Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with verbal

Name explaining conundrum

Anonymous — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 12:24:14 -0800

I am getting married in a month. I'm not keeping my maiden name or taking my husband's name, but choosing something entirely new (although somewhat rooted in tradition). I am absolutely dreading having to explain this to 150 guests at my wedding in 150 conversations with each one. What should I do? I am changing my last name to follow the icelandic/scandinavian system. You can read about this here. So my new last name will be "mydadsfirstname+dottir".

This is kind of weird I know, and I'm doing it for many reasons. First, I like the idea of keeping my maiden name (but hate my actual maiden name for the way it looks and sounds) and I am generally opposed to taking my husbands last name for myself, no disrepect to those who do though. My family is about 75% scandinavian, and this was the women in my family were named until a few generations back, so it's not like I'm doing something totally random. Third, and most important, its my own name, i like it, and I'll do as I like.

That said, it has caused a few problems. Most of my family understands why and is fine with my choice, but it has been a very sensitive subject and caused a lot of tears and drama for my fiance's family.

I have been very polite and diplomatically explained that it wasnt about my fiances "last name not being good enough" but about a choice I am making to reflect my own identity.

Still, I am worried about the wedding. I would have just printed something on a program explaining it, but with his family still so hurt about it I know that would be a very bad choice.

What I need help with is are ways either to a)not discuss it at the wedding 2)ways to politely deflect or change the subject if it comes up 3)one or two sentence answers to questions about my new name that discourage further discussion on the matter. I don't mind talking about it at all on a one on one setting or with a smaller group, but the idea of having the same lengthy conversations with every guest about all the reasons why makes me a bit nauseous.

Thanks!

How do I stop being the butt of all the jokes?

dragontail — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 15:08:08 -0800

Grr, how to stop being the butt of all the jokes and defend... it's getting annoying! To explain the situation: I've always been the one in a group to get the mickey taken out of.

I do make a good target though: being quite ditzy, slow, and lacking wittiness to respond to jokes directed at me. The group clown as you will. Pretty sure you all know what I'm on about :) Also, in group conversations, I tend not to say much, usually letting the rest of the group do the talking. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite comfortable with speaking - this is not about confidence. It's just since I can't "control" the conversation as well, the jokes tend to targeted more towards me. Lastly, I'm Asian, so usual racist "token" banter is present on top of everything. lol.

This usually doesn't really bother me too much, but I'm not spending the rest of my life being steamrollered by everyone else. Also, ever noticed that generally, the alpha(s) (fe)male(s) [aka the leader] in the group don't get any of this crap? They somehow turn the few they do get thrown at them against the guy who pitched the joke, usually with style to boot. I want to know how they do that.

So to sum it up:

1. How to stop being the clown? How do the alphas deal with it? What's the secret here?

2. Okay, everyone is going to get the mickey taken out of them at some point. How do I say: "Enough crap. Cut it out!" in a friendly manner? Key word here being friendly. I mean, being aggressive results in profanity, which alienates people. So how do you do it?

3. BONUS: How do you learn to be more witty so that you can turn the tables?

Should I insist he tell me he loves me?

Anonymous — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 07:31:48 -0800

I'm verbal. He's not. Is our relationship doomed? I have been with my wonderful S.O. for nearly five years. I truly adore him and can't even begin to describe the ways he's contributed to my life; he is my best friend, is an amazing lover, and an all-around great guy.

Problem: I'm hyperverbal and expressive. He...is not. Add past relationship trauma to the mix and you get a whole lot of insecurity.

He blames some messed-up relationships for the fact that he can't (or won't) tell me he loves me. I am too afraid of rocking the boat to insist he expresses his love in words. To clarify, he is considerate, kind, and loving in deed, just not in words. On occasion he will go into hermit mode and refuse to touch or be touched (he has ultra-sensitivity issues and insomnia that prevent us from sharing the same bedroom), but this tends to be the exception rather than the rule and I do my best to be understanding and give him space.

Still, something inside me yearns for A Declaration. I feel in my heart that if I insisted on it, he would be unable to do so. This hurts, but not as much as the thought of not having him in my life.

I guess my question is, is a relationship without verbal expressions of love doomed? How have you dealt with similar issues? If you have a hard time saying "I love you," how come? Should actions speak louder than words? Am I obsessing over something that's irrelevant?

DTMFA advice is really unnecessary, as I have no plans to break up with this person any time soon. Questions or more personal advice welcome at mefimail@inbox.com.

Talking addict Filter : Help me avoid being "that girl" who talks nonsense

Jireel — Sat, 03 May 2008 13:22:51 -0800

TalkingFilter : How to talk less ?. This goes to all the ones who have considered themselves extravert (verbally extravert, not necessarily always surrounded with large groups) at a certain point, then realized it was more than exhausting : How did it happen ? if it was related to personal issues, was there any key event/epiphany that changed this habbit so hard to quit ? I've been conviced of the benefits from such a change for years, which still doesn't naturally takes place, despite being of a rather introvert nature by essence (loves reading, spends hours writing, loves hanging out one on one, usually isn't having a ball in large crowds). Yet it always comes back once a conversation has started : the urge to say more, to give more details, to go faster than normal (NB it isn't either about slander, since most of the info displayed is of personal nature, absurdingly enough, things that are the bare truth, i.e that aren't necessarily flatering, though not disturbingly intimate)

For the record, 22 yr old female, currently in therapy, gradschool student, already aware of the many down-to-earth reasons for the change (better self esteem, healthier relationships, less mixed messages sent to opposite sex, increased feeling of safety in rough times, more freedom in many other aspects...).

Thanks for your advices and anything relevant to the topic.

The beets did really weird stuff to me, like to my poop and stuff. Anyway, red wine does seem to be all I drink these days, but that's ok, because....

TheManChild2000 — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 21:35:30 -0800

I say and write the word 'Anyway' too often as a bridge between a previous thought and the next one. I knew I did this on the page a lot but didn't realize I was saying it too. It's clear that I've got some reason why I can't just start into the new thought. How can I stop?

Why are you talking at me?

allkindsoftime — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 04:30:39 -0800

Please help me kill my introversion before it kills my relationships. (standard apologies for the length)

One weekend a couple of years back, I had a good college friend come and visit me at my place in NYC. I remember on that Saturday we made no plans, didn't go anywhere, just opened up the windows and door to the deck and enjoyed the nice weather. She read a book and journaled, I surfed the internet and cleaned my desk. We went for hours at a time without saying anything to each other. I often think of this as one of the most pleasant days of my life - having somebody there with me but the both of us actively pursuing our own activities, not feeling much need for words.

People don't seem to get me. I'm an introvert, and unfortunately for a long time have been trying to live like I wasn't one, which seemed to work well enough for maybe the past 5 years. I had my problems here and there, but I got by - landed the better jobs, got the promotion, had good friends, was enjoying life. During this period I rarely dated and never had a serious relationship, not so much for lack of opportunity as just a lack of interest.

Recently I made a major move to a new city (in a new country), and in particular have struggled with two individuals: a subordinate I manage on my work project that brought me here, and a colleague on another project nearby who I have been spending a few weekends traveling with. In both circumstances, I have extremely upset these people, the first in the work environment and the second in the travel / leisure environment, due to my lack of effort at open, direct communication. Both of them, actually, were upset by the same situation - when I picked up my book for an hour or more and just read without saying anything. Was I supposed to warn them I was going to read instead of chat? This kind of blows my mind - that things like this which seem so insignificant to me could lead to total relationship meltdown.

Things I have trouble with:

1) Eye contact. When talking to either of the aforementioned about specifics, I find it incredibly hard to maintain eye contact, regardless of the environment or topic at hand. I have absolutely no trouble with eye contact with strangers, my close friends, a girl I'm interested in, or acquaintances that I have little dealing with. It seems to be more in relationships that are forced upon me by circumstance (i.e. work colleagues, etc.).

2) Small talk. I pretty much hate this with anyone. I like to get to the point, I don't want to comment on the weather or your day yesterday or other uninteresting information. I know this is rude and inconsiderate, but how do I change myself to actually be interested in hearing someone talk about these things?

3) Verbalizing my thoughts. If I don't have anything to say, I usually remain quiet. I realize that some people need more explanation about what I'm thinking / feeling / etc., but even given this realization I find it very hard to remember / force myself to actually say things that I really don't think need to be said. This sometimes pours over into not verbalizing things that I do think need to be said, because an atmosphere of tense silence has already been created, and because I'm fairly comfortable with it, so why rock the boat?

I often prefer to communicate via email / IM - writing feels important to me - I have my thoughts there in a format that is clear and easy to reference, and it allows no one to bend what I've said. That said, I think I sometimes rely to heavily on this when I should be saying things verbally.

How do I change? I realize there are parts of this that are just who I am, but if who I am makes other people miserable, I believe I have to change that. I suppose "get thee to therapy" is the logical response but I don't really have that option at the moment (on reduced salary with limited benefits in a country I'm not from). What I am looking for are practical habits I can look to develop, tips/tricks I can pick up, ways to be a warmer person that can help others understand where I am coming from, etc..

It seems like most of the popular stuff out there regarding introversion is focused on helping everyone else understand us (see here, here, and here). That's all well and good and I wish they would, but its a hell of a lot easier to change myself than it is to change everyone else.

Funneling words into my noodle at a rapid rate

dead_ — Fri, 09 Feb 2007 08:35:49 -0800

What are the best (free) online exercises to prepare for the GRE? I'm looking specifically for flash or web based exercises that are designed to build vocabulary for the verbal section of the GRE test. I'm not looking for word lists--there are plenty of those widely available--but rather I want something that I can do in my spare time, like a game type of thing. Something that will help build my vocab and not bore me to tears.

Online flashcard type of stuff, or whatever. Any ideas?? I haven't found much, as Googling for it brings up mostly commercial dross.

SmallClaimsFilter.

disillusioned — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 01:21:05 -0800

ClaimsCourtFilter: A web design client of ours had a verbal contract with us, approved both the design and the logo, and then reneged due to a "misunderstanding," after most of the work had been completed. (This is ridiculously long because I'm also wondering if we're out of line or insane here, or if we're in the right. Basically: Verbal contract with client, did work, she reneges at very end to go with someone else. Click here to skip to the details and hit the real question. [If named anchor links work...]

Here's the long-winded breakdown: Met client through a networking group we're a member of. The member who referred us did so to his boss, whom we met with twice and spent several hours discussing things with. After meeting a second time and further fleshing out their requirements, we presented a physical contract which she opted not to sign at the time, so we could perhaps drop a feature and save some money. (We determined it would be a negligible savings for her and told her so. She still wanted the "new" contract.)

During this time, because we had a rapport through the networking group, we wanted to streamline this production, sent it off to our designers and had them crank out a complete logo and site design pretty rapidly. She approved (in email) the logo AND the site design and effectively gave a go ahead and a "what's next."

Upon reviewing our contract again, she questioned (at 10am) the following clause:

Authorization. The above-named Client is engaging [us], as an independent contractor for the specific purpose of designing a website to be published on a [us-owned] server.

She asked if she'd be required to host with us, or if she could continue using her existing host, and closed with: "Once I hear back from you I will get this signed and cut the check."

In meetings all day, we replied at 4pm:

The reason we push our clients to use our servers for hosting is because we can guarantee a level of service that we cannot when using another host. There is frequently a number of settings or applications not installed or properly configured, and it stands to impede us and slows down our development time while we wait for their support to make the necessary changes.

(This is completely true and our basic philosophy since we charge an almost-negligible amount for hosting, but we had discussed this earlier in person, and she seemed to understand and be okay with it, so I didn't think I was coming on strong here.)

She replied at 5pm:

I understand why you want to host the site what I am asking as I asked in the first meeting is it absolutely necessary? I can find out what they will or will not support prior to any work being done. I need to find out how long I have paid for and I don’t want to just throw it away and I am not 100% ready to move again. Both times I have moved my hosting it was a nightmare. I need to know if you are still wanting to proceed even if we do not move our hosting right away?

We replied within the hour stating that, since their site used ASP, we knew they were not on a PHP (which we required) package, and thus, didn't know if they could switch within their current provider. We closed with:

As we have mentioned during our discussions, you will not have to host with us but you will need to use a host that provides PHP and MySQL. We currently have the new site running in one of our development servers to work out a few more design tweaks so that the site matches a bit better with the logo/color you selected. Let me know how much time is left on your contract with 1and1 and when/where/if you would like to re-launch the site on a different server or not.

This is where it gets weird. She responds three days later with a letter from her hosting company saying she can jump to a PHP server no problem, but that:

It is my understanding I would just need to convert my 1&1 package to linux should we use your content management design. Due to this set back I have decided to interview a couple other web design companies that do not require us to have our site hosted with them. Should I decide to use the logo you have created what would this cost be?
I will wait to hear from you in regards to the logo.

From here, she continued with the interviewing of other clients, accused us of not being ethical, and further stated that we were clearly not connecting with her expectation of customer service. Within about two days. We made several calls to our point man, the guy who initially referred us and was there throughout all emails and meetings. She complained that we hadn't called her, despite the fact that we did last week (she wasn't there) and that our phones also ring. (They don't just dial.)

This is all by way of saying that I think she's being unreasonable, and trying to back out by latching on to the smallest chink she could find. She went on about how "this isn't about the money, it's about customer service," and how "other web design companies knew the ins and outs of 1&1's hosting plans, and I would expect you to know the same."

Clearly, there's a lesson learned in not performing work without a completed, signed physical contract and a retainer check in hand, but again, there were extenuating circumstances, and we figured they were good for it, so to speak.

Our course of action is as such:

Invoice for work completed anyway. Since most of it is done (and not just the logo), and was authorized, I'll attach the emails wherein she granted authorization, highlighted, and send it certified mail.
Have lawyer (friend) draft letter demanding payment.
Bring to small-claims court. (It's at the upper level of the small claims side of things.)

Are we crazy? Or did we have authorization to proceed?

What can we expect from small claims court? A tame form of Judge Judy style justice? I know we file through our court and they're served a notice to appear. Are we liable for anything if we lose? What can we do to be prepared? Any idea what our chances might be with a verbal contract? (In Arizona)

We are talking to some lawyer-folk, but I want to know if we're just insane from an outsiders perspective, or if she's trying to weasel out here. And more, for personal experiences with small-claims court.

Thanks for reading (skimming) this sojourn of a post. And for your experiences/take on things.

The One Where He Rents The Apartment

RJ Reynolds — Mon, 11 Apr 2005 18:37:28 -0800

I'm thinking about entering into a friendly agreement over an apartment sublet with someone I trust completely. What sort of (mellow, low-grade, commie-loving) conditions should we have? I may briefly sublet my apartment to a friend. I've seen advice on here about agreements between strangers, but I don't care about the legal crap. More, I would want to make sure we don't have hard feelings or miscommunications, so I'd be putting a few things in a clear letter. We want the date of sublet to be limitedly open-ended for both parties, and able to be terminated by 30-day-notice from either party (as in, I won't throw him out without a month's warning). Other than that, it's a pretty straight-up friendly arrangement.

What else should I/he ask for? What would *you* care about if you were subletting, from either side? Throughout this process, how would you ensure that things were all a happy-slappy lovefest?