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Unable to get over girlfriend, everything seems hopeless now

YoungConfusedMan — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 14:48:53 -0800

It has been a week and a couple of days since we broke up, well more like she broke up with me after about a year and a half relationship.. I contacted her during the first few days and spoke to her as I normally would, until about the middle of last week I decided I didn't want to be used anymore as her sidelined friend so I stopped contacting her altogether. We are both young adults. I feel completely dead inside. I thought things were starting to improve, that maybe things were getting better, but then I slip back into the deep depression that she has moved on and cut me out of her life, that she is talking and flirting with other guys. That I'm the stupid guy waiting forever for her to come back when she won't.

I was already very depressed around the time of the breakup, she knew this but she decided to break up with me anyway. It made my depression about 100 times worse. It is nearly debilitating at this point, keeping up the happy "everything's fine" facade is the most difficult thing to do. The reasons for our breakup are relatively unimportant, she felt that I made her "feel bad" for going out with friends so much (this was simply not true, I never purposefully made her feel guilty about this I just said I liked to hangout/speak with her as much as possible). She also decided to take LSD, even though last time she dropped acid she felt depressed etc. I told her I didn't think it would be the best idea to do it again, but she went ahead and did it anyway, breaking up with me the next day after. Part of me thinks the LSD fucked her brain up and made her opinion change of me, but I have no idea. This break up was completely out of the blue. She had never brought up these issues seriously before, and many times I had reassured her that I was fine with her going out and that if she wanted to in fact do LSD I'd never stop her. She also said that I was obsessed with her and that I needed to be more independent and that she didn't want to speak to me "every fucking day". Along with this she told me that she didn't want the responsibility of being my girlfriend.

She was extremely cold and unforgiving about it. I was utterly blindsided and there had been very little warning signs. She said things weren't fun anymore, that we always fought, but some of these "reasons" are made up, I don't think we fought very much. I offered again and again to try and fix things, to resolve the issues with our relationship but she refused.

After all of this heartbreak, she has the god damn audacity to claim she still loves me. She even said something like "I still want to be with you in the end". And that she just needs a "break", maybe for a long while. I sort of believed her at first, and it gave me a small amount of hope, but it didn't make things hurt less. Now I am wondering if she just said all of that to make herself feel better, to lessen the guilt on her end. I'm not sure if she has any intention of getting back together with me, but I refuse to hold onto this hope like a jackass for the rest of my life. She claimed she wasn't leaving me for anyone else but that she also didn't want a relationship.

About a day after the breakup, I started speaking to her like I normally would, and everything was just about the same for a couple of days (besides her ignoring me every other day which was very painful) except we didn't say I love you when we stopped talking. I knew this was wrong, I knew this was a terrible thing to do, I knew it would only hurt me more. I stopped talking to her after that and we haven't spoken in about 4 days now, but its been brutal for me. In the meantime, I've started hanging out with my own friends a lot more (though I don't have many), I've started biking almost everyday, trying to appreciate the small things. I've tried to take her off the pedestal in my mind, but its been tough and I keep reverting back to my old ways. This has done very little to keep my depression at bay, so I decided to make an appointment with my doctor to arrange for an SSRI prescription or something of the like (I also have very bad anxiety).

This has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. I almost never cried before this event, but now I feel that I am permanently scarred. I cry often alone, in the shower, punching the tile on my wall wishing it was all a dream and that everything will go back to normal. I have started drinking and doing drugs as a way to blunt the pain but I know this is wrong, suicide often passes through my mind but never seriously. I have lost ALL of my sex drive. I used to masturbate fairly regularly but I don't touch myself or think of sex at all anymore, since when I used to have sexual thoughts before it would always be about her. I enjoy just about nothing anymore, whether that be TV, music (which we had a lot of shared artists), whatever it is.

She has moved on, she probably barely thinks about me. I need to move on too. It was so hard for me to write this, I'm sorry it was so long. I don't know what to do anymore.

Aiming to please

troywestfield — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 06:26:43 -0800

We can put a man on the moon, but I can't take a leak without making a mess? Urinating standing up results in some splash -- the urine hits the water in the toilet and that splatters onto the rim of the toilet and even a little onto the floor. My wife doesn't want to clean it up, and I don't blame her. But I don't want to clean it up either, and can you blame me? There must be some kind of hack, no? We redid our other bathroom, with a lower toilet with a bigger bowl, and that toilet is good at limiting splash. But there's no (other) reason to replace toilet number one, and that's the toilet more conducive to nighttime peeing. Is there please something out there I don't know about that can help? Should we try to lower the water level in the bowl? Pee outside?

Help me write my start up contract

burlsube — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 17:50:33 -0800

A local web start up asked me to help start their web based business. I would be employee number 1. The venture is being funded by the founder who is a successful entrepreneur. I have only ever worked for very large Fortune 500 companies so this is uncharted territory for me. My general work experience involved very structure contracts with incentive plans laid out front.

The job offer gives me a sizeable pay raise, about 15%. The rest of the contract is up for me to determine.

So far I have requested:
18 days vacation
unlimited sick days
9 holidays
4 personal days

In terms of an equity plan or bonus, the founder said he is up to either. I am leaning towards a bonus in case I dont stay long enough to become vested. I am thinking of a 12-15% yearly bonus that would be paid out twice a yr. So 6-7.5% paid out every six months. A small equity option would be offered after the first yr of service.

Does this sound inline with a start up contract? I live in the northeast if that is helps.

Am I missing anything ?

My girlfriend is very upset with me and might break up with me.

stonecutters88 — Sun, 14 Apr 2013 08:04:24 -0800

I need a little bit of advice, I'm back again, this time in a different situation, as my girlfriend has become very upset with me and might break up with me. I don't know how to handle it, and I'm scared I'm going to lose her. I'm going to keep this short, over the last week my girlfriend has become increasingly upset with me and I'm scared that she's going to break up with me. Last weekend she thought I was lying to her about something, and even though I told her the truth it took me awhile to do it, so she felt I was being dishonest. Fast forward to last night, and she was upset with me again and she felt like I was ignoring her in front of all my friends to look "cool". I told her that wasn't it at all, I just wasn't talking because I was so upset from the event of earlier in the week. I tried to explain to her, but she got so mad at me and when I was driving her home she said she didn't know if she could do this anymore. She felt she was being treated properly and that was the same as every other guy, meaning that I would treat her like crap . I've tried to reassure her and tell her I would never do that and it's not something I would do on purpose ever. I know it happened but I make mistakes I'm not perfect.

This is really our first fight, we've been going out for 4 months and everything up until last weekend was perfect. In all she feels very, very upset that I haven't been treating her the way she wants to be treated and that she doesn't deserve that kind of stuff. I don't know what to do, I've tried talking but I don't know what to say or what to do, and I'm very scared of making things worse. I didn't text her before bed last night, but she texted me last night and was really upset that I didn't text her, and she thought I didn't care about her at all. I wanted to text her, I just didn't know what to say .

Can anyone help at all? I'm very lost and so scared that she'll break up with me, and I don't know what I'd do if I ever lose her. I know it's a little early but I know she's the one I want to spend my life with

Break up with a man I'm not very attracted to? Feeling crappy.

AlmondEyes — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 09:58:18 -0800

I have been dating a man for just over a month that I met online. He is 41 and I am 33. He is simply lovely: kind, attentive, complimentary, generous, funny, smart, gainfully employed, family oriented and wants children, likes me a lot, socially/environmentally conscientious, cooks well, nice sense of style, has friends, etc. And, I'm not very physically attracted to him. I am 5'2" and his profile says he is 5'7" but I think he exaggerated ~two inches and has a slight frame. He is very fit, but the cave woman in me seeks a more commanding physical partner. There are other things about his physicality and bedside manner that don't "do it" for me, either, but the main thing is that I just prefer bigger men. I was skeptical of his appearance/height when I decided to meet him, but hoped that attraction would grow if he were the right match for me (I have experienced this before with former BFs). I was drawn in for a month because he is so great in so many ways, but fundamentally the physical attraction is not growing. I lament the possibility of breaking up with him because it'd be a loss for me and I don't look forward to hurting him. The first time I laid my hands on him, my instinct was "no." The last time we were physically intimate, I experienced some aversion. We've fooled around a handful of times in total. I am getting aroused with him, but it feels driven by arousal and not attraction, and the last time it felt very efforted.

Grasping at straws today in anticipation of our date tonight. Intellectually, I would like to date him a little while longer, but I was out of town this weekend and made myself sick over it...loss of appetite, reasonably depressed, spiraling/circular thoughts. Do I listen to my body or my brain here? In the past when I felt this confused and uneasy, I have broken it off with the man I am dating and generally don't look back. This guy is such a catch, however. I fear letting him go too early (maybe things will shift in the next month?), but want so much to be honorable/respectful towards him and - the longer we date - the more specific of an explanation I'll feel obligated to give him. Alternative to breaking up or staying together is to tell him I'm having doubts...or is that just a death knell?

A sidebar: why do I feel this crappy? I'd like to be more capable of dating, independently evaluating the guy, and deciding more quickly and instinctively with less fear that I'm making the wrong decision and going to devastate and blindside the guy. A couple of years ago I was in a very drawn-out break-up where I worked myself into a deep, dark rabbit hole. I have integrated some of the lessons I learned from that in more recent dating situations, but would still like to feel more resilient and skilled in these situations. I have dated a lot of men and the trauma of dumping and being dumped is really wearing at me. I am somewhat panicked about meeting someone (period) and in time to have biological kids.

Thanks in advance for any insight.

How do I find myself after a 9 year relationship?

KnittingBer — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 13:37:49 -0800

My fiance and I have recently parted ways after a near 9 year relationship and it seems as though I've forgotten how to function. To give some background, we began dating when I was 17 and now that I am near 26 the problem, in a nutshell, is that we have grown apart in many ways and while I am deeply, and will always be, in love with him, we've had our share of issues lately and I don't see myself being the happiest me with him. When I first made the decision that I was going to end things, I was very excited about the things I would be able to do with my life without holding myself back because of our now very different goals and interests. Also, we have still been talking on an almost daily basis because we still have a few months left in our lease, all of my stuff is at the house (I've found a place to stay but still have to go there to grab things from time to time), and we have pets together...and he refuses to give up on our relationship so is frequently texting me that he loves me, good morning messages, etc. Yes, I know that recovering from a 9 year relationship break up will take time, and there will be good moments and really bad ones as well...and it doesn't help when the person you broke up with won't let go-truth be told, I don't think I'm 100% sure that I want to let go.

And I am also aware that the fact that we are still communicating is not the healthiest, for either of us for the place that we are in. At this point, I have a very demanding job, no sense of home, and am missing the one constant thing who has been there for me for 1/3 of my life. I feel more lost, sad, empty, anti-social, and generally depressed than I ever have before. I've been trying to fill my life with friends, dinners, music, and other hobbies, which is helpful and therapeutic, but doesn't quite do the trick. I know this is your typical, break up and feel sad story and the things that I am feeling are normal, but nonetheless, I would love to hear advice, suggestions, and life experiences from others to help pull me through.

Negotiating a job compensation

pakora1 — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 08:55:25 -0800

From start up to a larger company-how to negotiate a job offer My sister recently interviewed for a job with a start up. She was told that there would be no equity/stocks or options as her compensation, only the basics salary, med, 40, to which she didn't object. She still has her final interview next week and it seems they will hire her. She did mention her salary expectation to the HR but no offer has been made or verbally agreed to.

The company got acquired yesterday. As she sees it, the company is now part of a larger org and her duties will increase and her initial negotiation had been with a start up but that has changed. This situation is new to her and she would like to know what she can negotiate to get the best package due to this changed situation.

Thank you

He loves me, he loves me not.

fresh-rn — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 23:13:22 -0800

Ok MeFites, help me. My best friend and her boyfriend just broke up, mostly his idea. But he says he wants to communicate still and "will always love her". She asked me what the hell this meant. I have no idea. So I'm posing the question to you relationship experts. What the hell does he want? The back story....they dated for about a year and a half. They didn't live together but saw each other a lot and talked and texted every single day. It was a great relationship...til he broke up with her. He said there was "something missing". She is 99.9% sure there is no one else involved. He really is a super nice guy and that doesn't seem like something he would do (I know him really well). So anyway, for about the last week and a half since the break, they have been communicating and emailing like nothing really happened, just slightly less than they used to, although they have not seen each other.

My thought is that he's not super sure about the relationship, but he's still communicating with her just in case he thinks he made a mistake and wants her back...basically stringing her along. That's what I told her, but she's still communicating with him. While I think he's a great person, I think she's hurting herself by not letting go.

What do you guys think? I need help backing up my answer. They are both late 30's, if that makes any difference.

Any way to speed up mp3 loading to audio player?

ragtimepiano — Mon, 04 Feb 2013 16:30:13 -0800

Any way to speed up mp3 loading to audio player? My computer says it will take 13 hours. Is there any way to speed this up? I'm running Windows 7 with 2.0 USB connection. Thanks so much, hive mind peeps.

It's not you, it's me - or maybe it is you? I'm not sure.

Danithegirl — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 10:51:26 -0800

It's been 2 months. You have a great first date with a guy from internet. Chemistry! Romance! Sexual Attraction! Best first date ever. But the female has undesirable qualities. After a few more dates the female confronts the male about his intentions. He then calls her back in a passionate telephone call and says he's willing to have a go. Sadly, he seems to not really be that into her. He then again a few weeks later reiterates his fondness for the female, despite hang ups and she's now rethinking her position. I'm trying to work a situation in my head. A girl and a guy start dating and she is completely different from him in every way, which scares him greatly. To the point that he has to constantly question the validly of the relationship working out. She goes to great lengths to make things easier for him (she's a complication in his simple life) and is still met with criticism and judgement, while still having him tell her how amazing/wonderful/beautiful she is. He's also dropped the "L" word a few times.

So our female decides that this really isn't going anywhere and his hesitation and doubt is frustrating and somewhat insulting. She plans to cut it off. Do it quick and maybe maintain a small friendship. As she's getting the nerve (despite his flakiness, she does like the guy) he reiterates that he is absolutely mad about her and apologizes for the way he's been acting.

What is a girl to do - really? How does one break it off after that. Does she keep going and hope that the initial guy she dated is still in there amongst the self esteem issues, or does she end it, dust herself off and move on. If that is the case (and most likely is), how does she break the news, knowing what an incredibly sensitive guy he is - while avoiding herself getting pissy, because he has been kind of a dick.

How do you fill the emptiness after a break up?

kser333 — Sat, 05 Jan 2013 16:02:41 -0800

How do you fill the emptiness after a break up? Its now been two month since the break up and I feel like I have no interest anything anymore. I don't enjoy watching sports, my tv shows or movies like I use to. I still go to the gym and run but even time to time I am not motivated to do them. I use to complain about my job to friends and family (politics, unfairness, too much stress), but now I just go to work and I don't even complain about them anymore since all I think about is my personal stress life. I know I am depressed but do I have a bigger problem?

How do I deal with her knowing that she is with someone else?

kser333 — Sun, 02 Dec 2012 10:01:48 -0800

My girlfriend broke up with me a couple weeks ago. I thought things were going well, I was even planning to propose to her. She broke it off by saying things weren't working out for her, even though she told me I was good to her. We kept in contact and still talked and texted almost everyday. Then she told me she met someone else. I was very hurt/angry when I heard this. I tried still talking but it hurt too much. I told her the other day that it was best of we didn't communicate for a while because it was hurting me. Now not talking to her for a few days only hurts me more. Should I try to contact her? What should I do? How do I deal with her knowing that she is with someone else? I'm more and more depressed everyday.

How to break up with needy girlfriend?

silvershadow — Mon, 26 Nov 2012 02:40:58 -0800

Hi all, I have been together with my girlfriend for almost 3 years. It has probably been the loneliest three years of my life. The girl I`m with is 25. She is really pretty, well liked and smart. But she`s got some issues. She is very insecure. Shes jealous all the time. On my family, on my friends (she`s got a theory that my best friend is gay and in love with me. Saying it jokingly all the time). She gets mad if I use my iphone for stuff.
I have been wanting out for 1-1,5 years. But its always some fucking drama needing to be sorted out. Crisis in her family. Her changing jobs etc. Its been exhausting. So I always end up in a fight or flight kind of mood. It`s always drama, so I end up smoothing things over today, thinking “tomorrow I will leave”.
I have tried to have the talk a couple of times. But long before I come to the “I wanna split part” she looses it completely. She cries for the dumbest thing. Usually she cries violently and locks herself in the bathroom. And I always feel like the cruelest man in the world and walk around with a racing pulse.
I wanted to make homemade salsa once. We were in the shop and I bought Cilantro. She then got really mad because she doesn`t like the taste or smell of it. (she doesn`t eat salsa either). But she meant that me buying Cilantro was a sign of me not respecting her. She cried for three hours.
I have tried being a kind and loving boyfriend. I support her. I helped her looking for jobs. I motivate her as much as I can. But its an ungrateful job. I just get yelled at all the time. Or she manipulates me into having the worst guilty conscience ever. And I am tired of never seeing my friends or family.

Most of my friends don`t understand my problem. They think she is this great girl, and that I`m the Grinch. One of my best mates bought a sailboat. And at parties she`s always telling him how much she would love to go sailing. So he invites us. And since its not with a weeks notice (she likes to plan things!), she forces me to make up a reason why we can`t go. So he believes its me who is the dull one.

I have seen her parents way more than mine the last year. And she`s mad about us not seeing my parents more, but it`s hard having her along. She`s ALWAYS by my side. I cant read a newspaper, or talk to my father without her being stuck at my side all the time.
And she`s always correcting me in front of my friends. We were out with some friends a while ago and she startet to loudly tell me how to use a knife and fork. And she`s often talking to me in a derogary tone. Telling my mom that I`m messy, or telling my friends how clumsy I am.

And she`s always checking up on me. “When are you coming home”. Or if she`s out with her friends one evening I will get 3 texts asking what I`m doing, where I am etc.

I am a great guy. I have a good job that pays good. I have som great friends. I love playing golf and skiing (two things I don`t get to do at the moment). I look good. And I`m not clumsy, messy, loud, etc. But with her I always feel like I`m not good enough. Like I`m a bad person. And that shes trying to fix me. Make me the guy she wants to be with.

So, I want out. I`ve had it with this crap life. But it`s going to be hell to break up. She`s acting like this is the best relationship in the world. Her friends are always commenting to us that they want our relationship. And she have made me completely responsible for her life and happiness.

How do I get out of this? I want to rip of the bandaid. But I feel so completely stuck. How to I break her heart without feeling like the worst human in the world? How shocked can she possibly get?

Should I pick up other dogs' poop while walking my dogs?

dottiechang — Thu, 01 Nov 2012 13:23:38 -0800

Should I pick up other dogs' poop while walking my dogs? I pick up my own dogs' poop but I don't pick up other poops when I am on walks. Am I being clueless when I step over another dog's poop without picking it up? While out walking today, an angry woman ran out of her house in her bathrobe to demand that I pick up poop on the sidewalk in front of her house. I was already a few houses away but I started to walk back towards her so I could hear what she was saying.

I told her that it wasn't from my dogs, pointed to the big roll of orange dog poop bags dangling from my leash, and let her know that I pick up all my dogs' poop the second it comes out. If I ever run out of bags, I walk all the way back with a bag later to get it.

I was just about to pick it up out of courtesy when she started accusing me of lying, how my dogs had been lingering there and it was obviously their poop. I explained that it wasn't mine and went on my way because I don't like dealing with crazy people pointing at a dried up old poo and yelling.

My question is about etiquette--is it wrong for me to just walk past another dog's poop without picking it up? I stepped right over the one in question today without a thought. There isn't a huge problem in my neighborhood but you still stray poops around.

I don't even think about it for some reason, I'm sort of concentrating on my own dogs. If there's one right next to my own dogs' poop, I'll grab it too but I don't tear off a new poop bag for every poop I pass. Am I being impolite? I don't want to be rude.

Where to get the latest news on Startups

pakora1 — Sun, 28 Oct 2012 18:49:19 -0800

How to find start up companies in a region? I am looking for online websites that give details and news on latest start ups and/or companies that have received a round of funding. In addition any venues where can I find the latest and greatest on new startups in a given region would be great. Thank you.

So, where are you from?

Rocket26 — Thu, 11 Oct 2012 18:48:27 -0800

Is picking people up at the gym a thing? How about at hotels? I work out/swim at a hotel in my area. It's a nice-ish hotel- they don't advertise their gym- but if you ask them, they'll let you purchase a membership.

I really like it because it's much quieter than they Y, less crowded and actually cheaper.

I don't stay in hotels much so I'm not sure what the culture is (and I'm married, so when I do I'm usually with my husband) but I've been hit on a few times at this hotel, usually in the gym or the pool.

The other day, very directly, in the hot tub(!) He was a totally fine looking not creepy fellow just trying to chat me up (I was with a girlfriend too, so not alone) but all of a sudden "Soooo.. are you single? Do you want to go out later?" Very directly. Flattering but a bit forward, espesh since I was in my bathing suit.

I realized, this has happened a couple of times at this place, maybe a bit less directly. I think people assuming I was also from out of town, "Hey, where are you from, so me and my buddies might grab a drink later..."

Is this like, a thing? A hotel thing? A gym thing? Just curious. I've been hit on before, certainly, but I'm so used to it being like subtle flirtation at this point, since I don't hang out at bars, and live in a fairly small town, and when I'm out and about I'm usually with my partner.

It doesn't bother me a ton, but definitely makes me more self-conscious about the whole hot tub thing, for sure.

I wanna be your super hero... of some ridiculousness

Quincy — Thu, 27 Sep 2012 16:49:27 -0800

Alright MeFites, help me rock yet another themed birthday party. This Saturday I am going to a friends birthday party, where the theme this time, is to dress up as a "made up super hero." I realize that technically most super heroes are made up, but I think here they are going for something a little more along the ridiculous line. I have come up with a couple of ideas, but nothing that I am excited about, or that would be feasible to scrap together a costume in 2 days without breaking the bank.

So I come to you MeFites, what are some funny ideas for a made up super hero? Back story encouraged if you feel so inclined, however I can come up with a back story for just about anything as well. The party invite did not ask for you to have a back story strictly speaking, I just think it will add to the "character." Also if it helps, I am a girl. However my boyfriend is also stumped, so male costume ideas will be acceptable as well. Nerdy ideas of any kind also encouraged, as my friends are mostly nerds.

Is it better to cut fat and then build muscle or vice versa?

tokaidanshi — Wed, 12 Sep 2012 03:34:44 -0800

What should I concentrate on first, losing the fat or building muscle? I'm about to start my last (finally) year of grad school, and I have two big goals I'd like to accomplish over the next nine months.

1. Not fail grad school.

2. Get in the best shape of my life by the time I graduate.

I'm almost 31 years old, 6 feet tall, weigh about 160 pounds and have a fairly slim build. The problem is, over the last couple of years, even though I'm by no means fat, I've put on a rather unsightly amount of baby fat around my belly. It's not something you can see when I have my shirt on but very easily noticeable when my shirt is off. I want to get rid of it. I plan on doing this through lots of cardio and a cleaner diet. I would also like to put on some muscle though, especially in my upper body. Ideally I'd like to put on about 10-15 pounds of muscle over the next 9 months.

Given that I'm going to have to eat a lot to build muscle over the next nine months, does it make sense to try and bulk up first and then burn off the belly fat later or would I be better off burning off the fat that I have now and then trying to build bulk on top of a leaner body? Is it possible to build muscle while staying reasonably lean, and if so, do you have any pro tips on how to do that?

Also, I'm doing all of this on a budget. If you could recommend cheap, healthy foods that would be a good addition to my diet as I try to do this that would be great.

Thanks!

Cosmetics 101 help needed - Australia

JeanDupont — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 03:15:24 -0800

I need help working out what cosmetics to buy for a basic make over and how to learn to apply them. Also looking for explanations about what different products are 'for'. I somehow missed learning how to choose & apply make up. How can I learn to do this without going to a lot of trouble, and what constitutes "the basics"?

I'd prefer not to try make-overs in stores. I have shyness issues and would have difficulty saying 'no' to the sales pitch.

Recommendations of specific, good value products available in Australian stores would be helpful.

The array of products is completely baffling. I don't even know how to apply foundation (and what sort?), or lipstick. How do you choose a colour? I've tried applying it to my hand, but nothing manufactured is ever exactly the same shade as skin is it? I don't know what powder is for, or why mascara is so important. Does it take a lot of practice to apply lipstick without looking like a clown, or to use eyeliner without poking your eyes out?

Okay to move out but still be together?

Confusedteacher — Thu, 30 Aug 2012 05:43:54 -0800

Moving out but not breaking up? I have been with my boyfriend for almost 9 years. We have a fantastic relationship and I love him dearly and don't want anyone else. There's only one problem; our living situation. Our house is lovely from the outside but on the inside it's a mess (not dirty) from all of his things. It's his house so I feel bad being upset about it. We have no furniture (except for a bed, t.v. and kitchen appliances)because he wants to pay off all of his debt first (It's been this way the whole time). Not having "things" is not a big deal to me since I didn't grow up with much but it's the lack of a "home" that is killing me. I have brought it up to him in the past and he feels the same way too but he has yet to really do anything about it. I've tried to make the place nice but it's hard when you have boxes, papers and misc. stuff lying around and half painted walls. He works a lot so I know it's hard but when he is home he doesn't want to do anything (I can't blame him) but we'll never progress if this continues. Like I said, I have brought it up several times and have even tried to fix it myself but it's hard when he won't let me do things because he wants them done right. Another part of this whole thing that has been killing me all these years is not being able to have my family or friends over. I have two nieces (3 and 1 month) who I would love to have over to stay with me but I can't because the house is not suited for that type of thing. I can't have my grandmother, sister, mother, father, etc over for dinner (which I've always wanted to do) because the house just isn't able to handle that. I'm 29 years old (he's 41) and I feel like I've given up so much of my life because of this. I've recently found a house that I'm interested in renting. I'm a teacher so I have the income to afford it. The thing is, I feel so bad for wanting to move out! I DO NOT want to lose him because I love him so much and he loves me but I am not happy at all living in that house. I can't take it anymore and don't want to lose anymore of my valued family and friend time. I know I can go to everyone's house but I want to open my own home to my loved ones too. He has always been a proponent of having good individual mental health and treating each other in ways that will support that so I can see him being okay with how I'm feeling and my desires to move out but still be together. On the other hand, maybe he won't be okay because the idea is ridiculous and selfish? I feel horrible but I know if I stay I'll just continue to be unhappy. Am I a total jerk for feeling this way? Am I wrong? Thanks everyone.

Do you have a talent?

madred — Wed, 29 Aug 2012 09:14:54 -0800

I'm trying to remember a comedian who did a stand-up bit about his family members all having a talent. I seem to recall part of the joke was that this is how his family judged whether a person was likable or not. I'm pretty sure I remember an Hispanic accent on the part of the comedian... Any guesses?

How can I get offsite backup for the 5gb data a day my library volunteer role generates?

pyotrstolypin — Fri, 17 Aug 2012 03:24:41 -0800

Help me back up offsite the huge files I'm generating in my new voluntary role (c. 5Gb per session)! I'm volunteering for a library that has a very large quantity of author talks and readings on cassette tape. My job is to digitize these by creating an archive of .wav files. Using Adobe Audition, I'm storing one copy of each file on the Mac's hard drive, and one copy on a Western Digital 2-terabyte backup drive. Both of these are onsite, which is obviously not ideal. But I'm generating c. 5Gb of data every day, and I'd really appreciate some advice on how to store this offsite, away from fire and theft, in a way that works for the whole organization. Should I save everything onto a DVD at the end of the day, label it and take it home? (I have access to archive standard DVDs). Buying space on the Cloud wouldn't be a problem, but uploading so much might - any tips to make this easier? I don't want to clog up the pipes for other staff. Or am I missing something very obvious?

(The .wav files are to be reference recordings from which .mp3s will be created for download from the library's website in the fullness of time. I might be able to shift to other lighter lossless formats if the experienced heads here think that could be a way forward).

All advice very gratefully received!

Help me change and reaffirm my mindset that I need to stop doing drugs.

lyinlion — Sun, 12 Aug 2012 08:56:19 -0800

How do I stop doing drugs when it is so involved with my friends and my own personal view of artistic creativity? I've spent the last 8 years of my life partying hard and doing drugs. I've recently just graduated university, and after a pretty terrible month of interpersonal relationships and a personal meltdown, I've lost my best friends and my boyfriend. After a month of recuperation and a couple sessions with a therapist, all of this has led to an understanding that several changes must be made in my life, here and now, so as for me to be better acclimated to adult life and independence.

So here's the thing: I'm a creative/artist in Los Angeles. I've spent nearly all my life romanticizing this idea of a drug-addled artist living against the grain of society. For the most part, I've lived up to that (without having made any considerable works of art yet). It started off with weed and alcohol, then moved to all kinds of hallucinogens and party drugs (namely ecstasy/MDMA), and then onto harder ones like cocaine and pharmaceuticals in the past year. Nothing too incredibly addicting, apart from the cocaine (which I didn't like but still did a lot of) and the pharmaceuticals (which I don't get with as much frequency or ease). Nearly all my friends are creatives in the entertainment/party business (successful musicians, professional party throwers, etc.), and if they aren't, they are incredibly intelligent people successfully working in all areas of academia or intellectual careers. I can say without a doubt that nearly all of these friends do drugs...and maybe it's because I'm still young and have a limited scope on these things, but they're very successful at what they do.

So I'd like your best reasoning towards why I should stop doing drugs. I don't think I'm addicted yet (or maybe I am, you tell me), and I'm constantly surrounded by people who make it seem like it's alright to do drugs because they're still successful, functioning members of society. I'm afraid I'll slip out of this drug-free attitude because the "glamour" of what drugs can be has been so entrenched in my mindset for a very long time, but quitting is something I definitely want to do. I suppose this seems like a very basic question that can be answered by a rehashing of DARE, but at a very early age (when I discovered weed), I reasoned out most of the arguments towards anti-drug use as closed-minded or naive. Anyway, I think I've learned and "expanded my mind" to the greatest extent I can, but stopping is so...difficult. So please, how do I fully stop drugs when it's something that's so much a part of my mindset, lifestyle, and social circle? Life experience and anecdotes welcome.

(not sure what category to put this under)

Business in Boston

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Jul 2012 20:11:34 -0800

Moving to Boston to join a new tech startup. How can I quickly get involved in the tech startup community? (I'm asking anonymously because I'm currently in the process of finalizing the details. I'll be back on MeFi in the coming weeks to followup, maybe even meetup with some of you in the Boston area if you're interested.)

I will be overseeing marketing and communication (among 12 other things; startups, amirite?) for a new startup in Boston.

1. This isn't my first startup.
2. I'm married, in my 30s, and a family guy... but I'm accustomed to late nights and early mornings for business gatherings.
3. The startup will most likely (initially) be based in Brookline (Corey Hill-ish).

I want to hit the ground running when I get to town and

With regard to events, I'll pretty much give anything that doesn't involve strip clubs or illegal drugs a chance. Beer, coffee, water... I drink all. I'm curious about the different groups, meetups, associations, blogs, events, breakfast clubs, etc., that are available in the Boston area.

With regard to other resources (blogs, associations, sites) what do I need to be reading and/or joining?

What one bit of advice would you give to a startup Boston n00b who is getting their feet wet?

Building a basement bathroom.

Marky — Tue, 29 May 2012 17:03:39 -0800

Anyone here build a basement bathroom with an up-flush toilet? I'm finally going to redo the only bathroom in our house. While the contractor assures me the toilet will be put back at the end of each day, with four people living here we average using the toilet every ninety minutes. My first thought was an on-site porta potty, which everyone thought was nuts. How about a nice two bedroom suite? It's summertime on Long Island, a nice place is about $250 a day. Ouch.

So I thought about putting in a half-bath in the basement. Since the main septic line is halfway up the wall, I'll need to use an up-flush toilet. I've been looking at a Sanicompact from Saniflo. I like it because it doesn't have a giant tank, it only needs water and electricity, doesn't need to be vented, and I can run the outflow from a vanity into it. The downside is I can't install a shower, but I had no plans to anyway. The basement is unfinished, so I'd only need to put up a couple of walls and a door. I should be able to do this for $2000-$2500, which is a lot more than staying at a hotel, but it might add a little value to the house.

Can't use a composting toilet, the town won't allow it and I'm not humping the compost up the basement stairs.

Anyone put in an up-flush bathroom? What should I beware of?