Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with unrequited

Lose a good friend or try to fix it?

grassbottles — Thu, 28 Feb 2013 06:12:02 -0800

Is a man who pretends to be friends with a woman when he is actually interested in more than friendship doing something shady? Should said woman (myself) drop him as a friend or give him a chance to adjust? He’s a good friend and generally a positive, interesting and charming friend to have (smart, insightful, witty, capable of deep conversation, trustworthy with secrets, understanding…). I’m simply not interested in dating him (for many reasons, the most glaring of which is that he’s sexist in subtle ways that I couldn’t tolerate in a partner), but I value and love his friendship and conversation. I do not want to date him, ever. I don’t know if I should salvage our friendship or let it go, for his sake and mine...I've included the details below but I think this summary captures what I am trying to intellectually and emotionally figure out. I have a male friend (“T”) that I’ve known for the last 6 years. The first four years could be called the “good buddy” stage of our friendship. The last two years could be called the “close friend” stage of our friendship. We became good buddies because he is very funny, introspective, insightful and has had interesting experiences in life that fuel unusually fun conversations. I have had my share of interesting life experiences, and so between the two us, there is rarely a dull moment. We get along really well under “normal” circumstances. In the last year, we became “close friends” because my closest female friends (brilliant, hilarious women) got married and virtually disappeared (we are in are late 30’s, fairly busy people) As a result, I started spending more time with “T”, who lives across the street from me. It was easy to do because he is funny and smart and there is never a dull moment.

In the first year of our “close friend” stage, I presumed and trusted in our platonic friendship. I don’t trust men easily so I was really grateful for the way he earned my trust. In the back of my mind, I worried that in spending so much time with him, he might get the wrong impression. I have never been attracted to him as more than a friend. He is a special person, and I wanted to keep his friendship and nurture our great ongoing dialogue on life. I worried that he might be assuming there was more just because we were getting so personal in our dialogue. I am in search of the right person for me, and that person has qualities that T does not have.
Anyway, for a long time, I could not say anything to T about not having romantic feelings for him because it felt presumptuous – he never made a move or indicated that he had an interest in me other than friendship, so it would have been weird for me to say “hey, I love our friendship but please understand that I do not want to have more than a platonic friendship with you”.

About 8 months ago, on a night that he had drank a lot (I had too, but I was aware of what was going on), he attempted to sit too close to me on the couch we were sharing and put his arm around me, the vibe was very much like we were in a relationship. I instinctively felt revolted and dislodged myself, and called it a night. I don’t think he remembered the next day, and I was happy to forget it myself and go on with our friendship.

2 months later, he brought up one night that we should date each other. I felt like all my fears about his feelings for me came true, and I felt really guilty and bad for him. I said we were not a good fit, and offered to be his wingman to find the right woman for him. He was offended, said he didn’t need a wingman. We changed topics and I hoped he understood. I hoped that I would not have to say more. It felt painful to not be able to give this friend that kind of affirmation.

1 month later he started to get a bit more possessive in some random actions (evidenced in how he referred to me to our mutual friends and some other random things he did). I started to distance myself actively, and disclosed to him that I was dating people (I had just started dating someone). He became very snippy and the next couple of times we hung out, he found random ways to insult me and my intelligence. He found ways to weave subtle snide remarks and insults that had never been part of our conversation before.

So I noted the change and chose not to be hurt by it because I knew that it may be coming from his feelings for me. Yet at the same time, I was pretty hurt by his insults. I trusted him and let him into my heart as a person whose opinion I valued. Disparaging words from him hurt me and made me feel insecure, even though I rationally knew that he was just saying these things because he felt rejected by me. I rationally wanted to “wait out” his feelings of rejection and insults, but in the meantime, I started getting upset by his words. The insults got stuck in me somewhere, and I felt resentful – even though I felt like it was petty or childish of me to be fooled by his childishness.

I feel like he took my trust as a friend and used it to hurt me when he didn’t get what he wanted.
Anyway, 3 months ago, we had a final blowup, a silly argument about some stuff to do with our lines of work. He found a random excuse to dismiss me as “fucked up person” and a bad friend due to a random comment I made about something work-related. It was not consistent with the normal tone of our friendship, emotionally shocking, and depressing for me. I knew where it was coming from in the back of my mind (his resentment that I would not date him, not the conversation we were actually having), and yet a good part of me was so hurt that he could try to make me feel like a bad person and like our friendship was meaningless. It felt manipulative and I felt betrayed. I have a history of dislocating my feelings from myself due to my family history, so I tried my best to suddenly take an arm’s length to his behavior, but it really hurt me.

I never once called him out on his behavior (on the fact that all this was happening because he had feelings for me that were not reciprocated). I did not call him out on it because I didn’t want to embarrass him or hurt him more. This is also to do with my family history. But the result was that T gets to treat me like there’s something wrong with me, that I’ve disappointed him.

Although I could not date him, I’ve tried to be there for him in every meaningful way I could be. As supportive and thoughtful towards him as I have with any close and dear friend.
The whole drama with T affected me more than I ever thought it would – I felt alone, villified, unfairly wronged - mainly because my old friends are not around, my family is far away, and I don’t have a lot of friends I could share this level of detail with. Among the few close friends I do have, I had introduced T to them and I did not want to embarrass him or myself by revealing this development to them.

T recently sent me an email randomly asking me to meet him for a drink. It was quite abrupt – not overly cheerful or apologetic (nothing to acknowledge or rectify the drama), just very matter of fact as if nothing had happened. It was seemingly oblivious to the fact that he had said some very hurtful things.

I responded in a stern way, stating that I was willing to work out our issues but that things had to change in the way we interacted. He wrote back a vague email, saying he wasn’t sure if it was possible for us to reconcile (not stating what it was exactly that made it impossible), but that he was willing to try to work it out.

I can't figure out if I'm chasing a dream thinking that he and I could be real friends. I value his presence in my life, I don't want to lead him on. However, I am bad (or have a bad historical track record) of making friends with people who are good to me. He is good to me, except on this front, I am confused. Please help me figure out if I need to block out this friend or work with him to help us both be better friends to each other.

Crap

Anonymous — Fri, 18 Jan 2013 08:38:24 -0800

My boyfriend of four months just told me he loves me. I don't love him, and I don't think I will in the future, but I do LIKE him. Now what?! We are compatible in many ways, especially sexually- this is the first truly fulfilling sexual relationship either one of us has had. And I like a lot of things about him. But there are also things about him that I know I couldn't accept in a life partner, and while I like him and enjoy our time together, I don't think I will ever fall in love with him. Once my initial lustful infatuation died down a bit, I realized this, but I didn't want to break up either, because I was enjoying myself.

He said last night that he loves me, and that I didn't have to say anything. I didn't. (In one past relationship I said "I love you" when it wasn't really true... never again.) He also said something like "I'll always care for you even if we don't wind up staying together" which makes me suspect that he sort of can tell where I'm at.

This morning everything was fine and normal, but... I mean, now what? I would be happy to just keep things where they were, but that's not really possible, is it? But I don't want to break up... but I don't want to lead him on... ugh! I guess at this point, I just want to do whatever will minimize the emotional damage to him, while staying true to my own desires- whether that means breaking up or having A Talk or just waiting to see what happens next...

What on earth do I do about this?

The Curious Incident of the Disappearing Man

like_a_friend — Mon, 31 Dec 2012 13:00:08 -0800

A man with whom I was once-upon-a-time very much in love pops back into my life about once a year, then vanishes again. Do I stop him? Do I just roll with it? Blizzard inside. About six years ago, I fell madly in love with a fella and it did not go well. He had feelings for me also, but I was freshly divorced and needed some time and space to get my shit together. And frankly I thought he was something special, and we had something valuable, and did not want to screw it up by turning it into some ridiculous rebound deal.

By the time I came around (uh, like only 5 or 6 months, btw) he was no longer looking for anything serious and suggested more or less a FWB arrangement, which I turned down. I was utterly heartbroken. After that I didn't hear from him for well over a year, and then he popped back up through a work-related thing. By then I had moved on and was seeing someone else.

REPEAT PROCESS x4 with variations on who was un-single at any given time.

So this time I'm single, and what do you know, the very night I go on my first OKCupid date, he texts me. And lo, he is single as well. We hang out a few times, non-romantically but with our old flirty banter fully intact. And now once again he has gone completely incommunicado.

So next year, when he inevitably pops back up, what do I do? Delete the text? Tell him to shove his iPhone somewhere uncomfortable? Keep it up because who knows, some year the stars may align?

I won't ask y'all what he's thinking, as there's no way for anyone to know. I can say: while this cycle used to destroy me, I'm now so beaten-down and wrecked by the rest of my life that honestly, this dude and his flakiness are barely making a ripple. So I'm being semi-serious when I ask whether I may as well keep playing the game; at this point I seem to be invulnerable to further pain.

He likes me. He likes me not. Solutions?

dubious_dude — Sun, 23 Dec 2012 16:47:52 -0800

Unrequited crush...or is it? So, to keep this brief and simple as possible, I'm seeking a solution. I'm gay and work at a retail store (technology-oriented). About a month ago, I met a guy at the store (out of pure happenstance; asked him if he needed help). For some reason, we hit it off. Talked for about an hour about random things (okay, maybe I wasn't exactly doing my job!). He asked me how old I was, among a few other seemingly personal questions (particularly about my Deafness; he's hearing). He said something that had dirty innuendo to me and winked, but then proceeded to ask if I had a girlfriend. Despite that odd blip in conversation, we had a really good conversation and exchanged numbers.

On text, he texted me almost everyday, and we had some long and interesting conversations. He specifically asked for me at my store, asking me if I was going to be in, etc. This went on for a few weeks, up to one night when he asked me if I was gay or bisexual. After telling him my sexual orientation, he admitted he wasn't sure if he was suppressing his sexuality or the possibility that he was gay/bi, and that he would kiss a man if he wanted to...but also explained he knew he liked women. I told him he was free to experiment and that there was no pressure. We moved on from that topic, and then he came in my store one more time, saying he'd bring his friend to meet me the upcoming weekend. Well, after that visit (whereas nothing unusual happened), our friendship went onto freeze mode. He stopped texting me, stopped talking to me, and only gave short responses on text, if he responded at all. Frankly, it was really weird how all of a sudden he seemed to "forget" about me.

The solution I'm seeking is the best way to approach this situation. I felt a vibe between us, and had a crush on him. He's so smart, so nice and sweet, and just somehow triggered feelings inside me that I didn't know I had. Realistically, I know things probably won't work out because: a) he loves music and writes songs; I'm Deaf so music is definitely not something I have any knowledge about; b) we don't have much in common other than being intellectuals; and c) he's straight/curious... but the "deep freeze" mode has left me perturbed and confused, and I want to at least have some kind of closure, and know where we stand, and see if I did something wrong or if it's just him (going through a hard time or something).

Another factor to consider: he's 20; I'm 26. Both males, he's hearing, me Deaf. I don't think my Deafness had to do with it, because he seemed interested in me up until the freeze. (And he never brought his friend to meet me.)

Any concrete solutions for this problem would be great. I want to get down to the bottom of this.

Thanks, and Happy Holidays/Merry Christmas!

How to move on (and out?)

Anonymous — Wed, 17 Oct 2012 12:41:29 -0800

[heartbreak/confused sexuality filter] Recently admitted my romantic feelings toward a close friend, but have no idea how to pick up the pieces of my actions and move forward. Somewhat messy details within. I’ve recently experienced a heartbreaking episode of unrequited love which ended when I told my best friend that I (male, 30s) have feelings for him. The result of this confession was thoughtful and respectful on the part of my friend who didn’t share my sentiments but wants to remain friends; two months down the road, things are still awkward but I’ve been getting by somewhat better. However my healing process has been complicated by the fact that I’m at odds now front and center with my sexuality and while I know that it will take time and physical/emotional distance away from my friend to get over the heartbreak, it also means tacking into the wind, finding myself and exploring who I am.

I’m at a loss really on how to proceed! I’ve talked to my closer friends and family members about my current predicament and they’ve been morally supportive on all counts, but I feel the need to seek either resources or advice that none of them can really offer. So suggestions (yes, I am looking into therapy) on how I might begin the journey of finding myself? Thanks a lot in advance.

Note: With regards to dating and sex, I've only had experience with women; the emotional bond I felt toward this friend has been unlike anything I've encountered before (I also feel physically attracted to him).

How can I make sure past unrequited feelings never return and just try to remain friends?

stonecutters88 — Mon, 15 Oct 2012 18:34:21 -0800

I really need help in dealing with a situation of unrequited love with a best friend, to becoming complete strangers, and then back to best friends again. I apologize if this is quite long, but for an extended period I've gone through a situation with a best girlfriend of mine, and I need advice on how to handle my current situation. She's 22 and I'm a 24 year old male.

A little background on myself and our relationship. I was always a very shy, sheltered person growing up. I never was open to very much and was usually pretty anti-social. Upon meeting her she managed to not only open me up and get me to try new things, but changed my life in ways nobody ever has before. She was the first person I slept with, and someone that always wanted to hang out with me. She's a very special person to me.

We met a little over 3 years ago through a mutual friend and hit it off immediately. We were able to talk easily, flirt, and thoroughly enjoyed each others company. Our friendship quickly escalated. In the months that followed we escalated into becoming best friends, and then best friends with benefits. It was a mutual decision that we both wanted and we had fun in doing so.

But you guessed it, complications started to arise in our friendship, and it was explained to me through my friends that she wanted more (I should have seen the signs but more detail in that later). I wasn't ready for a relationship at the time and although we never really talked about it, we never ended up together. But fate has an odd way of working, and slowly my feelings develop very deeply for her and I asked her out. She turned me down and said we should just remain best friends.

I did not handle being turned down very well. I was so sure we were going to be together that it was the only thing going through my head, and when it didn't happen I became needy, clingy and turned into a completely different person. We managed to remain best friends, but my deep feelings remained and she started to confide in me about other guys she hooked up with and was dating. It was at that point I should have left but I wanted to stay loyal to our friendship. For 10 months I went through what I would call hell, and although we still had amazing times together, I felt like it got to a point I was no longer being a very good friend.

I left, and told her I could no longer be friends with her while I still had very deep feelings for her. She hated me for doing it, but I tried to explain that I needed time and space to let my heart heal so one day I could be a good friend to her again without being fake or thinking there was ulterior motives. I'll admit I didn't leave in what would be considered an ideal way, but I had to do it.

I made tremendous progress in healing. My friends and family noticed a significant improvement in my happiness, and my life was getting back on track. Then 6 months into our silence, my ex-best girlfriend messaged me out of the blue, and asked if we could be on speaking terms and for me to stop ignoring her. After thinking about it very long and hard, I messaged her back and we agreed to meet up and talk. Surprisingly there was no awkwardness between us. We communicated slowly and saw each other a little bit in the beginning. Over time we started getting closer again, and she realized how much I'd changed and how I truly was better off for leaving, and she even told me so. In her words I felt more "real" and she seemed to enjoy my company even more than before. We still go through a few periods of silence, but she considered me her best friend for life again.

Now my current dilemma is that I want to make sure I don't have those feelings return. I'll admit I've had a few days where I can feel my stomach churning again when I think about her, but I'm still in a much better place. I really enjoy her company, and I would not want to go through what I went through before of unrequited feelings. The two things that scare me the most are having my feelings return, or that she'll regret her decision and pull away from being friends again, and both will hurt a lot. I just want to be able to stay friends and only friends.

Can anyone please tell me what they would do if you were in a similar situation? Some of my lifelong friends are pretty disappointed I let her back in my life because of what she put me through.

So any help or ideas would be greatly appreciated!

Also if there's questions or more details needed I should be able to provide, I tried to keep it short enough and to the point.

Normally the awkwardness is part of my charm

Anonymous — Thu, 30 Aug 2012 08:01:57 -0800

How do I minimize awkwardness when I see a couple I stopped being friends with because, in part, I found myself falling very hard for one of them? I'm super honest all the time, very blunt and straightforward. I've always believed that it's best to put things out on the table so nobody's feeling left out and we can all proceed with respect. When I'm attracted to someone, I tell them pretty quickly, and when I'm not liking someone even as a friend, I try to maintain civility but I don't spend time with them if I can at all help it.

I've been friends with a girl, let's call her Zelda, since highschool. A big part of our friendship was based on how she'd appreciate my honesty and ability to be so straightforward about stuff. We've spent years apart during college and after but then we both moved to the same city a few years ago at about the same time. She's smart and sweet and hardworking and deserving of every good thing she has, but at this point we have very little in common. That's fine, and we've talked about how we both consider each other more on the level of family than friends. We started spending less and less time with each other.

Part of why we stopped spending time with each other was also her boyfriend. Let's call him Bart. Bart's also smart and sweet and hardworking, young and earnest and enthusiastic, and he and I have a lot more in common superficially than Zelda and I, as far as mutual interests go. I immediately took a shine to him, and encouraged Zelda to get closer to him. She would confide in me about Bart, all the various "oh my god, I have a boyfriend, what do I DO??" things that girly friends do. Zelda knows me as the friend she can talk to about sex stuff, too, so I know a lot about Bart in the bedroom. The more she talked to me about him, the more I'd catch myself thinking about how I would be more compatible with him than she is.

I felt really guilty, and to mitigate that I was pretty honest with Zelda, about how I really was crushing on Bart pretty bad, and that I never had any intention of doing anything about it, but wow, I just think she's so lucky to find a guy like him. Zelda is MUCH less blunt than I am. She's generally honest but to use MeFi terminology she's a "guesser" not an "asker" like me. I'm never quite sure if I've upset her or not. Her response to my telling her that I was fancying her boyfriend was something like "haha, well you can't have him!" in a cheerful tone.

As far as I know, Bart has moved in with Zelda and they've lived together for almost a year now. They're happy and in love and working hard to have a good life together. Like I said, I consider Zelda family, maybe like a first cousin, and I would never want to do anything to make her or Bart uncomfortable or sad.

But I haven't talked to either of them since shortly after they moved in together. Zelda extended invitations to some of their casual parties to me, but she knows I'm kind of a recluse and didn't expect me to show up. I didn't.

I don't regret not seeing them for so long. I just don't enjoy my time with them, not really. It feels like spending obligatory "visiting" time with weird aunts and uncles - like I HAVE to be there, not that I actually have any fun doing it. Even when we're doing something we both love!

But this coming weekend is a big event in our city that I know Bart will be attending, and Zelda will probably be there, too. I'm going, and the chances of me running into the two of them is really high.

As far as they know, I stopped spending time with the two of them because our schedules were really hard to find time when we were both free. That's a really fragile lie, because everyone knows I'm not busy at all and if we really wanted to hang out we absolutely could. The real reason was that my simple crush and admiration of Bart was rapidly turning into a fullblown thing for him. I felt extraordinarily awkward around the two of them, and even worse around Bart, because the whole time I would just want to flirt with him. There are smaller reasons - Zelda and I had a weird fight/culture clash about something but we both apologized and called it even, I'm jealous of her drive and dedication and success, she told me that whenever I tried to teach her a skill I had that she admired she would feel awful and useless... Just basic "we've fallen out of friendship" stuff. But it's the boyfriend thing that clinched it for me. I don't know how I feel about Bart now because I haven't seen him in so long, but considering my past history it will all come back right away. I'm single (if that matters) and have had fleeting crushes on other people since, but nothing to the extent I felt about Bart.

How do I handle seeing them? They're going to say the typical "oh wow I haven't seen you forever! What have you been up to??" and I'm going to have to use every cell in my body to hold myself back from blurting "Well, I've been deliberately avoiding you both because I want to marry your boyfriend, who at this point is probably your fiancee!"

What on earth can I say instead? Help me form a nice, believable, few lines? What do normal, polite, not blunt people do in this situation? I feel like by continuing the farce of "oh, we're just so busy!" I'm disrespecting Bart and Zelda. They're not going to pry, because they're both not like that, but they're both smart enough to know that it's a lie. And they both know I almost never lie, so they'll be worried. I don't want to lie to them but I know that this is a situation where I can't tell the truth. How do I act? I want to be friendly with them when I see them, but I'm going to want to run away. This is just such a stupidly juvenile kind of situation and I have no clue how to handle it. Please share your wisdom!

How to choose between waiting and moving on?

trainsurfing — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 01:18:32 -0800

At the moment, I find myself waiting for a friend to grow healthier (both emotionally and physically) on the off-chance that this growth will allow our friendship to turn romantic further on. Should I simply resign myself to friendship alone (do my level best to date other people, cement myself in her friend zone), or is there some long-term logic to what feels, right now, like madness? I'm sorry this is so long; I suppose it's a marker of how on-edge I've been lately...

Over the past six months, I've found myself in an increasingly close friendship with someone I initially had a crush on from afar. Our friendship developed through a short series of work-related interactions, and my crush, though secretly raging when we first started spending time together, faded shortly after I discovered she had a girlfriend. That is to say: I gradually acknowledged the unrequited nature of my feelings once it was clear her relationship, though deeply troubled, was something she hoped very much to mend. Both she and her girlfriend had taken major steps to become healthier people (variously, through quitting addictive substances, enrolling in therapy, and taking psychiatric medication), and because my affection for her, even at that earlier point in our friendship, was entirely separable from my desire to be with her romantically, I came to accept, and even embrace, my role as a supportive, platonic friend. I gave her advice on how to be a healthier partner, I cheered her on in her endeavors, and upon meeting her girlfriend, whom I liked immediately, I found it even easier to be encouraging of their relationship. I turned my mind to dating other people, enjoying my sprawling, but thoroughly fulfilling, social life, and being grateful for her friendship, such as it was.

Recently, however, things have gotten really complicated, and my emotions have started to spiral more or less wildly out of control. At the root of the trouble is that our hang-outs have always been a bit more like dates than seems defensible—most of the time I spend with friends consists of group gatherings or coffee/work sessions, but my time with her generally amounts to long day-trips (beaches, touristy attractions, museums) and dinners/movies/shows. Our friendship exists in a vacuum, and though at first I thought this would change over time, it simply hasn't. After meeting her girlfriend, I started to ask if her girlfriend might like to come along for some of our activities in an effort to be clear about my strictly platonic intentions, but the happy group dynamic I envisioned never materialized. Our friendship remained exclusive (even as she began to feel more comfortable speaking of her girlfriend as a beloved, and likely permanent, partner), and now that her girlfriend is out of town (for work), our hang-outs have more than doubled.

We now see each other almost every other day (kind of remarkable given that there is no reason why our paths would cross otherwise), and almost always for something more involved (read: fun and time-consuming) than a simple friend lunch or work session. This could in large part be because she's the sort of person who loves to fill her life with colorful activities, and because I'm a good second-choice activity partner in her girlfriend's absence, but to make matters worse, she and her girlfriend have not handled the long distance well and are now on the verge of a break-up. The not-unpredictable (though perhaps no less regrettable) result of all this, and hence the reason for my (admittedly melodramatic, if no less desperate) question, is that my desire to be with her has reemerged in full force. And if at some point that desire was naïve—based largely in my physical attraction to her and a general sense of her personality—it has since found hefty strongholds in nearly every aspect of how we are with one another.

Though both of us are pretty strongly averse to using the other as an unrestricted sounding board (so: no late-night phone calls, no hours spent gchatting, no heartfelt crying sessions where we process our emotions at their most ugly and raw), we do talk frankly and fairly about our feelings, and freely admit our vulnerabilities. Emotionally, we're very similar, and approach each other out of an empathy that feels, more often than not, extreme. It seems undeniable that we've been good for each other—that we're able to treat each other exceedingly well, perhaps even better than we treat other people, and that the time we spend together is reliably free (/freeing) of the stressors that haunt other aspects of our lives. We have eerily similar visions of, and wishes for, the future (both practical—what sort of house, what sort of neighborhood, what part of the country—and fantastic), and our personalities/lifestyles (diets, conversation interests, aesthetic tastes, politics) are closely aligned as well. I've never been able to see myself so clearly moving through life with someone; it's terrifying how vivid the future seems—how crisp and livable—when I think about the spaces we might occupy together. I know this is precisely the sort of wishful imagination that fuels blindness and confusion, but it's also the sort of wishful imagination our hang-outs seem destined, however unwittingly, to encourage.

After hearing her side of the (should she break-up) story at some length, and despite my natural reserve and studied objectivity (leaning, in fact, toward subjectivity in favor of their relationship), I am now quite convinced the break-up would be right (healthy, emotionally responsible) for both of them. I've resisted this conclusion as mightily as a can, because I know how impossible it is to separate my own sense of our rightness for each other—and, more crucially, my love for her, which makes me bristle at the thought of her being ill-treated—from any judgment I might make, but, as she herself has stated, it's absolutely apparent to everyone else whose opinion she values that her relationship has turned truly toxic. She is understandably reluctant to pull the trigger, and, acutely aware of the stickiness of my situation, I have refrained from urging her in one direction or the other, but it's now nearly impossible for me, at least internally, to resist speculating on the possibility of, well, becoming a possibility for her. She's terrified of being alone, and it's so tempting to think a few words from me might be all it takes to soothe that fear (in both our hearts) and allow her to take a necessary step away from something damaging.

But the truth is, neither one of us is at our healthiest right now, and even if she did reciprocate my feelings, I'd want us to keep friend-dating for a while longer as we figure our pieces. I have this unshakeable feeling that we could grow, over the next few years, into exactly the people we each want and need, romantically, and that all it would take is mutual reassurance and support without the pressure of being everything to each other immediately. Unfortunately, though not unsurprisingly, the other truth is that I have no way of knowing how she feels about me—especially, whether or not she is, or could ever be, physically attracted to me. We're both objectively attractive (arguably even very attractive) people, but clearly that has little bearing on how a person feels. She keeps her cards, in this respect, obsessively close to her chest (never saying anything that explicitly pushes me away as an option for her, but not shutting down other general, or contradictory, options either) and I do too. We keep our hands to ourselves, we tease but don't flirt, we're not clingy or needy, and never seem to need to see one another, though I suppose, on some level, we do.

Everything feels urgent right now because I'm terrified she won't be able to break off her current relationship without the security of knowing there is a relationship waiting for her on the other side, and I feel strongly enough about her that I know I could commit to her in an instant, but I also know that saying something while she's vulnerable could not only lead her to make rash decisions that aren't grounded in true depth of emotion, but potentially (and much worse) destroy one of the best and most rewarding friendships of my present life. I love her too much to want to be a source of stress or anxiety for her, and you might say I need her too much to want to risk what we've built together, strictly platonic as it is (and might indefinitely be). So. I suppose my question is less about how to choose between a) quietly waiting for some future point at which things might be more right for us, and b) simply moving on, than about whether or when to reverse the choice I've made (waiting, working on my own growth, but keeping myself romantically tuned to the possibility of her alone).

I have already, in my fear and timidity and reluctance to be a point of ambiguity in, or accessory to, a break-up, somewhat taken myself off the table as a non-platonic option, but the thought of reinforcing this more firmly makes me so sad (and a bit ill). I know I would go to the ends of the earth to support her happiness with someone else if that is what she wants, and what feels healthy for her, but the petulant, wishful child in me can't help holding out hope that my sense of our near-future compatibility (i.e. our present compatibility buoyed by a bit more health and wisdom) is right, and that, secretly, perhaps unwittingly, she senses it too.

Apologies again for the length of this, and thanks so much for your thoughts.

How do you give clear signals that it's just not gonna happen?

abirdinthehand — Sat, 30 Jun 2012 08:03:28 -0800

How do you send clear signals when someone is flirty with you, but you are not interested, yet still like them as a person? I have no idea how to do this and generally just get uncomfortable and 'act normally' which I'm often comes across as interest since I am a friendly and smiley sort of person.

This issue has been arising with coworkers and acquaintances, not people I consider friends really, but people I am friendly with and want to feel comfortable around.

I know how to deal with creeps and I know how to deal with mutual attraction, but I feel that I never seem to get this unrequited attraction right and often unnecessarily confuse people. It's both because I'm slow to pick up on that they are flirting with me, because I don't see them 'in that way,' and because I just don't know how to navigate it without behaving as though they are a stranger that approached me in a bar or something along those lines.

So any tips? Once you start seeing clear communicated signals of attraction from someone you associate with, how do you show clear signs that it's just not gonna happen?

Should I tell my secret work crush before she leaves the company?

Anonymous — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 08:54:31 -0800

Should I tell my secret work crush before she leaves the company? I’ve had a (serious) crush on a girl at work for a couple of years now. She’s given notice at the company we work for, and will be leaving in a month or so. We are friends (e.g. we go out for lunch together now and then, and she confided in me in relation to the job change) but no realistic prospect of more than that. She is beautiful and fun. I am not. She’s seeing a guy we used to work with: not someone I still see, but a good enough friend previously that I wouldn’t try to split them up, and there’s no reason she would choose me even if she were single.

I’d love to keep in contact (obviously) but realistically that seems unlikely long term. I’m bad at keeping in touch with people, even where things aren’t complicated by guilt over my secret feelings. She might well make an effort to arrange lunch or something, at least initially, but life moves on.

So, the question is whether I tell her before she leaves?

Downside would be the resulting awkwardness (for a few days or whatever), and the end to any possibility of future contact. Upside (somewhat vaguer) would be reclaiming some sort of self respect: I have a pattern of falling for girls and being friends, without being honest about wanting more or plucking up the courage to do anything about it. As a result, my feelings of attraction (which I would like to think should be a positive thing, even if not reciprocated) are mixed up with guilt over this dishonesty.

I’m now 32, and have never had a relationship, and this is something I would like to fix. I feel like coming clean would be a good start, if not for this particular occasion maybe to get my head straight for the next? When put that way, it begins to sound a little selfish to burden her with this stuff. I’d like to think that she wouldn’t find this “revelation” too unpleasant (at best mildly flattering, otherwise easily forgotten?) but I’ve never been in the equivalent position, so have no idea really.

Any thoughts? If you think I should tell all, I’m guessing face-to-face is best? Letter / email seems like the wrong side of the weirdo line?

Dealing with a friend's crush

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 11:43:44 -0800

How do I deal with unwanted advances from someone who I really, really want to be friends with? I am a 26-year-old female. I take part in an activity that I really enjoy and love the people I have met through it. In fact, I've met my current (awesome) boyfriend through the activity and most of my friends in my newish city.

Recently, a boy in this activity has started telling other members of the activity that he is "in love" with me/has a huge crush on me. Other people seem to find this charming, and, admittedly, if I were single he'd probably be the type of person I'd be interested in. As it is, I am happily taken, and his overtures (which have included buying me flirty-named drinks, tweeting about me, and telling every one of our common friends that he's into me) are making me uncomfortable. He definitely knows I have a boyfriend and that we're exclusive.

What is the most diplomatic way to tell him to back off while not stirring shit within our tight-knit friend group? I don't want to cause unwarranted drama, and I've been hoping that his flirting would stop when I acted polite/friendly but slightly cold. However, it has been steady (though not escalating).

Should I just continue to maintain a polite but friendly distance, or do I need to talk to him about this? How do I frame this in a diplomatic but assertive way?

He is not sure about me or what he's doing with his life?

Chelsaroo650 — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 15:07:21 -0800

As everyone has already reminded me, I asked questions on here before about my bf. He admitted he is not in love with me but cares deeply for me? Still wants to be together? So everyone already knows my story and if you don't, well, you know where to find it... well I already attempted to break up with the guy and have even tried going on other dates but I still love this person as much as I hate to say it. We saw each other a few weeks ago and the day was fine and all but something had been eating at me because a few days before I had come over and he was angry at his mom; he's always angry at her. He revealed some more things I didn't know about his family; his mom had custody of him when he was little and she never cleaned the house, he grew up in filth, and to even take a shower he had to go to his father's military base because she couldn't afford the water bill. His dad was in Iraq for awhile as well... He said she was careless and inconsiderate. I admit that's really very sad. This person grew up as a child with nobody around and was an only child... well anyways he vented to me in the car that he was angry at her for not cleaning the house and making him remember what it was like when he was little to live with her when they got evicted. Then he casually said his dad was planning that he get his associate's degree and then maybe join the air force or army.

He was saying he was sick of our town and wanted to leave and that it was starting to sound better and better. I kind of realize now that he probably isn't serious about joining knowing the kind of commitment it would bring and besides that, he's overweight and such. I know this person has a lot going on and maybe he really doesn't want to give me his full attention because other things demand it more and he is somebody who doesn't want to talk or associate when he's upset, which has been often. Yet even though I know these things and know that I could have another relationship if I wanted, I still love this person somehow. Even with people telling me I'm "in love with a relationship" with having experienced some dates and opportunities... I still love him.

That night I brought up what we would do if he left and he didn't want to talk about it. He got upset with me but I got worried. He was saying we'd probably break up but mostly because he didn't want a dear john letter later on? He stressed the fact that he had not even acted on it. I said that it might be easier to handle the pressure of a military relationship with love there and that since he didn't say he did he must not love me. He said that it was true, he did not love me. So I proceeded to get upset and leave breaking it off. He previously told me he was not sure about me. I wondered why he could fall in love with the girl before me in a span of 3 months but surmised it was probably just infatuation. He still holds onto hurt from that girl who ran him around with other guys; he told me he had a dream about getting revenge on her, he had sexual messages saved from her for a whole six months into our relationship, I forgot to mention. He never brought her up until I wanted to know he says it still bothers him but he's "over her." So he posts a sad status on facebook and lets me change our relationship status first. Four days later, I'm getting messages saying "how are you doing?" and then "don't forget to vote today" another day and he goes out and gets drunk and tells me about it so I'd feel bad. He told me just because he isn't head over heels in love with me does not mean he doesn't care for me very strongly, that he said he loved me at first because he didn't want me to dump him.

What I don't understand is why he can be so unsure, not know anything, and then once I'm gone he can't leave me alone. "I miss you, I want to talk with you." The first time he'd said it in 3 months. What does this person want? I love him but I'm risking so much... and he's not figured himself out and him holding onto me isn't making it any easier for me.... why does he not want me to dump him? Am I just some friend with benefits and never really was a girlfriend?

What songs deal with unrequited loved between a gay man and a straight man?

donquixote — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 16:41:03 -0800

What are some songs that lyrically deal with unrequited love between a gay male and a (questionably) straight male? I've been asked to find a song that deals with this situation, preferably something that is within the pop region, but it doesn't have to be.

Thanks in advance!

15 short days...

glip — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 15:31:02 -0800

Falling for someone that is leaving... in 15 days... should I tell them? I am not even sure if the feelings are reciprocal. If you have advice for the foolish and insecure, please see the ridiculous bean-plating that follows... We met where I volunteer and I'm not really the outgoing type of guy that meets new people in public, but this woman was more outgoing and she talked to me while I was volunteering and we turned out to have more than a few things in common, so I invited her to a theme party I was throwing.

There was about a month in between and we didn't really get a chance to meet up again before the party, but we did go out about a half-dozen times since then... and she's turned out to be the kind of person that I'd think about dating if she were local. I think she might be into me because she's politely declined to do any more group activities with me instead suggesting "just-us" type things... as well, she just seems very relaxed and trusting, but again that could just be her character.

She's heading back to Europe (where she lives/studies) in 15 days, so I don't really know what there is to gain by telling her, especially since it's unlikely we'll be able to get together before she leaves... I figure since she didn't really make any clear romantic overtures there isn't much reciprocal feelings... ugh.

I suspect this has more to do with my own insecurities than anything else... and I feel like a manipulative jerk for not figuring myself out earlier and saying something while we could have had time to talk and explore things... now it just seems like a last-ditch effort for some action? I dunno...

If you were in her shoes would you want to know that your new foreign friend has feelings for you? Any other comments or criticisms are welcome too.

melodrama, fade-out, third option?

Anonymous — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 10:30:32 -0800

How do I dial back a friendship before my heart gets trampled any more? I've seen this question which had some helpful suggestions, but I'm feeling snowflake-y. This man and I have known each other for several years but we only started spending time together regularly more recently - he started inviting me to do things with him and his friends, or occasionally to get coffee together on our own. I'd had a little bit of a crush on him the whole time I knew him, but spending more time together (even in these honestly neutral contexts) really confirmed it for me. I tend to assume that men aren't interested in me, but he was actively making an effort to spend time with me, and I was starting to hope that maybe there was a chance to turn it into something more. At least I was hoping that until the other day, when in casual conversation with a group of people, he was asked if he was single and replied, "No."

I was completely blindsided: he's never, ever mentioned a girlfriend, and having hung out with him with people who I know are his close friends, I never saw any indication that there was any relationship other than friendship there (though obviously that doesn't rule out something long-distance).

So I guess I didn't know him as well as I thought I did. I don't want to think that he was intentionally stringing me along - this is partly complicated by the fact that I tend to interact better with my friends on a one-on-one basis rather than in groups, so one-on-one get-togethers don't necessarily have a special meaning - but at the same time, I feel misled.

Anyway, I feel that the only thing I can do in this situation is to back off a bit, but I don't know how to do this without having to admit that my feelings for him were/are more than just friendship. (Partly because I don't want to show how much I'm hurting, but partly also because I think it's not really fair to say to someone who's just started a relationship, "Oh, and by the way, you just broke my heart.") I also have a personal rule that I don't do explanation-less fade-outs, because I've been at the other end of that and I hate it. Is there any kind of third option? Or do I just have to go with one of the ones I don't like? I have to do something, because pretending everything is ok is unsustainable, and I need to get over him; but I'd like to do this healthily with space to be friends in the future. Please help!

How do I go about moving on from this?

dorothyrose — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 15:32:27 -0800

How can I begin taking steps to get past this heartache that I've been hanging onto after falling in love with my best friend and move on to find someone who is actually emotionally available? I'm a mid-thirties mom, twice divorced, each marriage very short and each marriage resulted in a child, and near the end of the second marriage he was physically abusive. I've suffered from depression for about 15 years, currently on good meds. Divorced 2 years ago and had already started developing a close friendship with a work colleague. Him: early 40s and has always lived with his mother. He is her support in every way and they will never live apart. We slept together several times but he never spent the night; he couldn't let her know he was involved with someone. We never called it 'dating' though I wanted to. I fell in love.

A year and a few months later, I'm coming out of this sort of haze and seeing him for what he is: really a sad guy in a difficult situation. I want to keep the friendship but I can't stop the fantasizing, as it's something that's become such a strong habit in the last couple years (my marriage dissolving had nothing to do with him, but I did find him attractive the day I met him). I've told him I love him, he says he "cares" for me. I am well aware that I've clung to this false hope of a relationship because of my fears of being in a real one; this one was safe in that he wouldn't turn around and say he wanted me, too. Just saying this makes me feel ill with thinking about the wasted love and time in the past year. Time thinking of him, hoping for him, but also knowing I wasn't ready. Is that f'ed up, or what?

How can I move on from this recent pain and face the issues of my two failed marriages, my depression and anxiety, and everything else? I'm terrified to let go of thought of us together. I don't know where to start.

the way forward with a broken heart

bearette — Fri, 21 May 2010 18:56:28 -0800

How do I approach friendship with a (formerly?) broken heart? I know this topic has been discussed here before, the whole unrequited-love-then-friendship thing, except that my situation is a little different than what has been discussed previously, and also, I am moreso looking for approaches to this and experiences people have had.

My story and question:I used to live and study in China. While in a grad program there I met a Chinese guy I'll call J. We became close friends, spending several hours a week together, alone and just talking. I got a crush. He didn't want to date. I had difficulty, but we pretty much remained close friends, even traveling together, until the end of the program when he got a girlfriend and I got very sad. I decided abruptly to return to the U.S. (not really because of that, for a number of reasons.) We didn't say goodbye.

About a month later I emailed him, and we got back in contact. I suggested we talk on skype sometime; he suggested every Fri and Sat for 2 hours each time (these were "language exchanges" like we used to have, but really we'd talk about anything and everything). We did this, sometimes talking for 3-5 hours at a time, for a few months (over skype). Later on he got busy with various life events, and stopped being so available for skyping, which made me a bit upset.

Well, I'm going back to China this summer, for the summer only. He knows this, but we haven't talked recently- I was basically the one making the effort the last few times, so I stopped. He still has a girlfriend. We never spent time together as friends with other people; we always hung out 1 on 1. I don't know how to be his friend when he has a girlfriend physically there (talking on skype, I could forget about it since he almost never mentioned her; he knew that would make me upset.)

I wonder if I should just let things happen as they come? I view the friendship as slightly different than one between two people in the same country, since our chances to see one another are a lot less. It was a very valuable friendship. I guess I'm wondering when it's worth it? If he makes an effort to get together (likely) how I deal with my feelings?

Frankly I don't understand romantic relationships well. At the age of 31, I've never had a "relationship" lasting longer than a month. (unless you count some loosely held together relationships that were basically close friendships with no commitment and some sex involved). I've had close friends my whole life though, and tend to feel de-valued when they get into relationships. It's definitely a pattern in my life.

I was looking to get feed back about how to approach this, in thought and/or in action. Examples from your own life are helpful.

How can I resist the temptation to despair?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 16:45:30 -0800

How can I resist the temptation to despair as I get older and still find myself unable to break consistent patterns of frustration in my work and personal life? (long) I am 39 years old and have just had the first successful year of my life in terms of career. After struggling for nearly two decades in boring, low-level jobs that didn't pay enough to enable me to move out of the family home, I entered a new field and did a hell of a lot of work with a hell of a lot of objective and measurable output to show for it. I had excellent feedback all year, mostly from my boss, but also from others.

Better still, I had enough pay and financial benefits to support myself into the future and, a couple of weeks ago, I finally paid off the debts I ran up over the two preceding years when I spent more time looking for work than I did actually working (and during which the cost of going to work was only slightly less than I earned).

I was looking forward to building on my successful year career-wise, and storing up some savings. I thought that finally I would be able to afford to go out once a week and maybe, with any luck, eventually meet someone special.

The only problem (as far as I knew) was that the job was very draining and exhausting, largely because of my boss's management style. She does things at the last minute and characteristically leaves us working towards externally imposed hard deadlines (i.e. the team won't get paid if they're not met) with insufficient time to meet them. She is always unresponsive to appeals for better time management and on one occasion I worked myself into exhaustion, such that I passed out and hit my head.

Over the last couple of months I became weepy and had to stay home sick a couple of days because of uncontrollable crying. I also couldn't force myself to work as fast as usual and had to work longer hours to compensate, meaning I got less and less sleep. I attributed this to the feelings stirred up by a colleague who had just moved on to a new job, but not before toying with my emotions quite severely while simultaneously making it clear that he was unavailable. This led to my thinking about what I still longed for in life that I couldn't have.

Not only this, but it was especially painful because I'd had no inkling that he was attracted to me and mutual attraction is something that has never happened before in my entire life. Yes, you read that right - not ever. I'm attracted to very very few people, and that, combined with geographical isolation (for economic reasons) and my ASD has basically meant a lifetime of utter singleness. There are men I could have dated, but they always seemed to me to have something glaringly undesirable about them. I often thought that perhaps I should have forced myself to go out with them even though I wasn't interested in them, but my instincts invariably turned out to be right. So I guess I'm glad I trusted my instincts but still... no relationships for me. (And I'm sure plenty of people will suggest that the unavailability is the attraction, but I have considered that and I'm pretty sure it's not true.)

Anyway, because I wasn't getting any sleep or any exercise and I never knew when I might be called upon to work myself into exhaustion again, my blood pressure went up. I was given 3 months to get it down again or be taken off some medications I rely on to function every day. So I had to tell my boss I needed to exercise every day and get 7 hours' sleep a night.

Unfortunately the moment I had to tell her was immediately after she yelled at me for booking a flight that landed the night before a conference, instead of travelling for a night and a day to get there an hour before the conference, with of course a full day's work on either side. She *said* she was okay with what I needed to do... what else would she say?

Meanwhile I had to accept that my weepiness wasn't going away and I entered treatment for depression and began to improve.

Although I knew my contract could come to an end at any time, my boss always downplayed this possibility and the feedback I got from others was always that she viewed me as someone who would be around for a long time. Besides, I had just interviewed two new recruits. So it came as a big surprise when I went in for my regular weekly meeting, and after talking over "you need to debug this, enhance that, and update the other," I then got, "and by the way I have to give you notice that your contract won't be renewed."

Still I was assured that it was nothing personal, and coworkers reassured me that I was bound to get a glowing reference and that I'd have known it if anything were wrong with the quality of my work.

A couple of days later it was appraisal time. I was shocked by how negative her review was. On the one hand I had glowing emails of appreciation that I got for completing certain projects, and on the other hand, I had low scores and negative remarks for those exact same projects in the appraisal. I got disparagement for doing things that I had on record that she explicitly ordered me to do. I checked my output against the expected norms for someone at my level, over against her criticism that I should have done more. I also contacted ex-coworkers for a reality check. Having gathered the evidence I put my case that her appraisal was inconsistent with both her feedback and my actual achievements, and that if my performance had indeed been as bad as she had presented it, I should reasonably have expected to hear about it a lot sooner. I reviewed my comments for diplomacy with a third party, and hoped for the best.

Her response was a 2-hour blast of negativity with no constructive content at all (honestly - none), accompanied by demands that I delete my comments, accept hers, and sign the document. (And that I was being mean to her.) Finally she agreed that our differing opinions would be recorded.

I felt drained, but glad I had stuck to my guns. So I go in the next morning for my regular weekly meeting, have a brief task review, and then end up trapped in her office for the better part of an hour while she demands that I retract my comments and sign hers and tells me, again, all the reasons why I deserve a bad review. And that I'm being mean to her. And lying. And that I'm just not able to take constructive criticism. And that I should stop wasting time and sign it right now. She wouldn't let me leave.

I still refused to sign it, and I eventually hit on the right combination of words to get me out of her office. I waited a while for my head to stop spinning, then I collected my things and ran home.

When I dared to look in my inbox the next day I found a conciliatory message saying she was sorry the appraisal had been upsetting "for us both". I reviewed her comments and found them acceptable, and agreed to sign off.

I worked from home that day but, when I got in the next morning, the anxiety got too much and I had to go home. I tried to keep working but I got so weepy I had to call the doctor, who signed me off sick until Monday.

So... that was a long story. I'll go in on Monday and do everything possible to keep my cool. I've taken advice and am fully aware of what my rights are. I'll be trying to get home early enough to apply for at least one job per day, as horrified as I am to have to go through all that again. I have ex-coworkers who fully support me and will provide references. Two medical professionals will back me up if necessary.

That's how things are. But this is how it feels:

When my 80-year-old mother dies, that will mean the loss of my one reliable source of companionship and support. She wants to put the Christmas tree up and I can't stand to because it means one more year has gone by and for all my efforts, I have still failed at life in the most basic ways:

- although I have many good friends, I'm so non-fun that I can't get anyone to hang out with me;
- although I have demonstrable talent, all it ever seems to do for me is get me fired;
- I am going to get into debt again and am unable to support myself at the age of nearly 40;
- I will almost certainly never have children;
- although I seem to be regarded as desirable by quite a few people (including the Handsomest Boy In The Village), this doesn't result in my being any less single;
- although the Handsomest Boy In The Village evidently has feelings of some kind for me, he can't or won't act on them.

I am haunted by temptation to reach the following conclusions:
- that I can't stand to live in a world where I will never succeed for failing;
- that I can't stand to live in a world where all love is theoretical;
- that I just can't stand it.

What can I do to stop thinking these thoughts?

I'm pretty sure I'm not that into you

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 16:27:43 -0800

Girl meets boy. Girl and boy have date. At end of date girl and boy say "let's do this again." Then after they each go home, girl thinks, "you know...I don't think I'm into boy as a romantic prospect after all." Now boy is asking for second date. What should girl do? Yep, I'm girl. And the only reason that I"m hesitating is because a couple of other people I've spoken to think I should give it a second date to be sure, because he may have just been nervous and not making a good impression. But it feels dishonest to go on a second date when I feel such reservation like this.

Am I being fair to the guy? Should I have one more date and be sure? Or am I being unfair by going on one more date knowing that this is what I feel but not telling him?

I've accidentally been leading a friend on.

brenton — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 01:59:47 -0800

Help me clean up a complicated friend-triangle before it becomes a messy love-triangle. Ok, context: three classmates (John, Jane and Jannet) at my grad school and I have become very close this semester. The four of us hang out almost every day.

The problem is that Jannet thinks that she and I have a thing going. I guess you could say I have been leading her on... but it's more complicated than that.

I actually like Jane a lot, but Jane likes John (who likes her, but may not be entirely serious about it). So the result is that Jane, who doesn't want to lead me on, has sort of been avoiding me and being close to John when the four of us hang out, which leaves Jannet and I together all the time. Like whenever we sit down, John is on the end next to Jane, then Jannet, then I. It's just the social dynamic of the group leaves Jannet and I paired. Since the four of us spend hours together every day, it has been looking like Jannet and I are "an item" and I was oblivious to it until recently. It seems I am always the last one to know about these sort of things.

I dearly love all three of these people in the most platonic sense, crushes aside. I don't want things to become weird, but I don't want Jannet to be hurt either. I feel that she deserves more than the cold shoulder.

What should I do? I'm not going to act on my feelings for Jane at any foreseeable point in the future. I love Jannet dearly, but not in a romantic way. How do I gently make it clear to her that there is nothing happening between us? Or should I do something else entirely?

Alice's Lament

Anonymous — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 19:25:08 -0800

I'd like to start resuming a friendship, but the other person is mistaken about why I backed off. Should I tell him why? It's...complicated. Call me "Alice."

When I moved into my neighborhood, I met a couple living nearby named Bob and Carol. Shortly after I met them, I found out that they had an...understanding, and Bob and I hooked up a few times, with Carol's blessing. That went on for a few months.

Then Bob introduced me to his friend Ted, and then Ted and I became a VERY close couple, and I broke things off with Bob. But Bob was happy for us, and the four of us hung out together a few times. Bob and Ted also regularly hung out once a week with other guy friends (it was a "weekly poker game" kind of thing).

Then Ted broke up with me after a while, and I was just heartbroken for a month and avoided everyone. But then when I started making forays out into the world again, I got a certain....vibe from Bob, kind of like he wanted to renew the hooking up again. I thought it was in my head, until I had a conversation with Ted and he said that he'd picked up that same vibe from Carol (and Bob actually CONFIRMED Carol wanted to hook up with him). The whole thing felt skeevy to me, so I just kept my distance from Bob and Carol for a while.

That was all well over a year ago. I've seen Bob a few times, and he's commented on my disappearing act a couple times, but he was chalking it up to my holding a grudge for him introducing me to Ted. I told him no, that wasn't it - but I haven't told him why I was (I usually just gave some vague hand-wavy "I just had to work out some feelings about Ted" answer). I still get hints of a "vibe" from Bob now and then, still, so I've still been cautious. I am absolutely not interested in that kind of relationship with Bob any more.

But Ted's moved out of town and still keeps in touch with Bob a lot -- but hasn't been all that much in touch with me. Which I regret. And I'm afraid that that's because I'm giving Bob a bit of a wide berth, and Ted may think I want to avoid him too -- which isn't the case. So I'd like to do a bit of fence-mending with Bob -- not just for that, but also because we are neighbors.

So I have two choices: come clean with Bob about why I actually was avoiding him a while and THEN start gradually hanging out again, or start hanging out and wait to see if I get any vibe any more before I say something (by "vibe" I mean, for example, that he'll suddenly bring up things I said or did during some of our more, er, intimate moments). What would the wisest course be?

Music for the good kind of unhappy

Gotham — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 15:18:37 -0800

Music about unrequited love. Exactly what it says. Doesn't even necessarily have to lyrically relate. Just give me the songs that make you feel the longing way down in your... feet.

Books that are a tease.

IWoudDie4U — Thu, 21 May 2009 18:07:43 -0800

I'd like to read some mindless romance novels. I'm looking for books that have the drawn-out, difficult, possibly unrequited string-you-along love of a television series. Some of my favorites: Mulder and Scully in the X-Files. Dana and Casey in Sports Night. Ned and Charlotte in Pushing Daisies. Blair and Chuck in Gossip Girl. Rory and Logan on Gilmore Girls. As far as books, something like the Twilight series if it were better written, the heroine wasn't spineless and also it had boning.

Help -- I've fallen for my housemate!

Anonymous — Fri, 01 May 2009 16:33:51 -0800

OMG-does-he-like-me-filter: help, I've fallen for my housemate! I have two requests for you, MeFites: 1) Please read my [long] story and tell me if I'm totally kidding myself about this situation; and/or 2) Tell me your own story about the time you fell for your roommate, housemate, or close friend. Disclaimers and apologies:
• All this dancing around and should-I-shouldn't-I is annoying and embarrassing and makes me feel like I'm 13.
• I realize this post is very long.
• Apologies for posting anonymously, but my username would give me away immediately if the person in question were to read this.

So, here’s my story. I’ve slept with a friend of mine, several times now. I'm 27, he's 25. We live in the same house but separate apartments (he has roommates, I do not). We spend all of our free time together. If we weren’t sleeping together I’d say we’re very close friends, but obviously you include sex in the situation and you’re not really friends anymore.

I like this guy a lot, and if he feels the same way I would like to attempt a relationship with him, despite the obvious hurdles there would be considering that we live in the same house. The trouble is that I’m having a really hard time gauging his interest. Maybe I’m just kidding myself, but I think he does have feelings for me, on some level. I worry that I'm being too cautious and self-censoring, and it comes across like I don't have feelings for him, so he's doing the same thing. Clearly I need to talk to him, and I will. But before I do, I’m interested to see what the hive mind thinks. Allow me to elaborate on the situation a bit...

When we first hooked up, I was thrilled because I really liked him. I would go upstairs and hang out with him in his apartment, uninvited, and basically follow him around like a pathetic puppy dog, which is pretty typical of me. Very soon – like after a week – he started to back off. I called him on it, and he said he liked me but he didn’t think he wanted a relationship with me. He said he needs space in a relationship, and when he doesn’t get it he starts treating his girlfriend badly, and he didn’t want to do that with me. I was very sad but I respected his position and backed off.

Eventually, things seemed to have settled and we started hanging out again. Of course we slept together again. It’s happened maybe a dozen times over the last five months, maybe more, I’ve lost count. It always takes the same pattern, over 2-4 weeks:

Flirt > flirt heavily > flirt even more heavily > spend every waking second together > sleep together (usually sober, fwiw) > spend the night in his arms > hang out the next day, pretend nothing happened, and start all over again.

Believe me, I realize how dysfunctional this is.

Every time we do sleep together, an ever-smaller part of me holds out hope that maybe this time something will actually come of it. But, because he rejected me before, I try to back off and wait for him to seek me out, and take my cues from how he acts. I always assume that he wants to avoid me, but there he is the next day, standing at my door. He’ll come downstairs and spend the whole evening with me, always of his own volition, but he’s hard to read. He’ll stand in my kitchen while I do dishes and cook dinner, and he plays with my dog, and he talks to me and tells me about his day, and when he runs out of things to say he stands around like he doesn’t want to leave; but when we move to the couch to watch TV we sit at opposite ends. There’s no physical contact at all. At the end of the night he says goodnight and goes back upstairs. This has happened so many times now that I’m kind of numb to it so it doesn’t upset me anymore, but it does make me sad.

What I can’t figure out is, does he spend all this time with me because his feelings have changed vis-à-vis the whole relationship thing, but he thinks I’m not interested because I’m not making a move? Or is he just being clueless? I mean, seriously, we spend ALL of our time together, and he seems to be doing it willingly. We are essentially a couple who sleeps together sporadically. (Christ this is so dysfunctional.) So why doesn’t he need his space now? Is it a control thing – like if I were initiating it he’d pull back, but since he initiates it he’s ok with it? If so, that’s seriously annoying.

I’ve never had many male friends, so I don’t have a good frame of reference and I may be way off base here, BUT: I feel like if he really didn’t have any feelings for me, he would avoid me like the plague after he slept with me, to avoid giving me the wrong idea. I’ve even heard him give that advice to others when his roommates and I are talking about girls and relationships and sex and all that. I know him to be a conscientious and observant person, particularly for a guy, so I’m inclined to think he’s not just being clueless. Am I totally kidding myself here? Am I reading way too much into this?

Or, perhaps he does have feelings for me but he’s conflicted due to his “space” issue. Is it worth trying to convince him that I get it, and I think we could still make it work? Usually I would say that you shouldn’t have to convince someone to want a relationship with you, but maybe this situation is the one exception to that rule. (I’m sure you guys are going to rip me apart for thinking that there are ever exceptions to the relationship commandments, several of which I know I’m trying to break here.)

Or, on the off-chance that The Hive thinks he actually might feel the same way I do... I think I’m being pretty obvious about the fact that I have real feelings for him, but that may not be the case, especially since I’m so afraid of scaring him off. Should I be more forward? Should I cuddle up with him the next time we watch TV together? Even if it’s been almost a week since we last touched each other – or would that be too out-of-the-blue?

I’m terrified of the devastating embarrassment I’d feel if I tried a move like that, and he recoiled and told me I’ve got the wrong idea, or he just froze and acted really uncomfortable. But I also know that I can’t keep on with things as they are. So either I try something like that, or I be more blunt and tell him how I feel and ask him to do the same, or I just drop the whole idea and start avoiding him as much as possible so I can get over him. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on if I think there’s a possibility something could happen.

MeFi, I want to hear your stories about the time you fell for your housemate or roommate or best friend, and what you did about it, and how it ended up. You can give me advice if you like, or just talk. If you think I'm being an idiot, tell me. If you think there's a chance here, tell me. Do your worst! Throwaway email: onlyindreams1234@gmail.com

Why can't I quit her? My head says NO but my heart says GO. please HELP!

anonymous35 — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 19:42:49 -0800

Why can't I quit her? My head says NO but my heart says GO. please HELP! Some pretext before you start reading: I'm a pretty conservative guy. I've only had one serious relationship in the past (for one year and it ended badly when I started attending college). The prospect of one-night stands aren't that appealing to me. In the four years I attended undergrad, I've had opportunities to 'hook up' with girls but decided to pass if there wasn't a prospective of a relationship. In short, I was always looking for that special connection with someone. I never found it throughout college (in part because I wasn't actively looking; instead I sacrificed the latter two years of my social life for academics). Things changed recently with a person I never ever thought of as a potential girlfriend.

Here are the details:

I'm 23, recently graduated and work full time. She's 20, and will be a rising junior at the school I graduated from. We are both from the same hometown but school separates us 100 miles apart during the semester.

We met through a mutual friend, actually her ex-boyfriend (and only bf) of two years. I consider him a good friend and while the two were dating, it NEVER crossed my mind that I could see her as a potential girlfriend. However, they had a falling out as soon as she left for her freshman year (my senior year); they don't speak to each other anymore, I don't speak to him at all anymore, (and he has moved four states over).

Things started heating up this past winter when she came back from school and I had time off from work. We hung out on a daily basis, and although there was nothing intimate, there was a special bond forming between us. Daily hugs were long and drawn out, we would hold hands and cuddle on the couch for movies. After she left to go back for school, I thought that would be the end of communication, but she constantly texted me, which would follow up with me calling her every two or three days. I would never call her on the weekend out of respect for her space and allowing her to 'enjoy the social college scene'. Plus, I didn't want to be a burden if I called everyday. Conversations would be filled with nothing and everything, and for the first time in a long time, I finally felt that special connection. We flirted through text and I talked about going to visit her. However, things reached a boiling point when I mentioned the idea of visiting her for valentine's day, in which she abruptly told me that the flirting had to stop. She said she wasn't ready for a relationship, wanted to explore her options with other guys but wanted us to stay amicable and be 'friends'. Yes, the dreaded F word. Caught in the moment, and in an act of desperation, I told her everything that was on my mind and how I felt about her, how it was only the beginning of something special, and how I didn't want to lose that. It culminated into me running out of words to say and us deciding to take a break from talking to let things cool.

Fast forward two weeks later (late Feb). I caved. I texted her a simple, 'how are you doing', and this vicious cycle continued again. Flirting. Laughing. Long passionate hugs and holding hands. Pretending everything was the same again before that 'talk'. She would now start sending emails to me at work. I visited her a few times, with the first time slept over (but on her couch), and most recently (about a month ago) slept over with her. However, things did not get intimate, and I did not want to bring up the issue in an effort to avoid that awkwardness. Note: a main reason why I am attracted to her is that she is very conservative and although we didn't get intimate, I definitely felt it was progress from both sides.

Two weeks ago, I went back to school for a big concert and she knew I would be in town, however, not a single call or text Fri or Sat. I gave her a call and we met up for a picnic Sun. Things were going smoothly until I dropped her off, and in a jokingly way said 'hey, you never called me the last few days'. She shrugged it off and said 'you know we are really good friends. You have your friends at home and I have mine at school'. We left things at that
and there have been one or two texts between us the last two weeks. I've tried to give her space by not calling her at all, especially since final exams are this week. But in the last few days, I feel like salt is being poured on my open heart wound - on her facebook, she's been flirting with a new guy non-stop whom she met through her best friend at school.

I have not said or mentioned a single word to her about this new guy, nor have I called her in almost two weeks. However, in the past five months, if there was a lull in the communication I would call her and things would be 'back to normal' and have escalated progressively each time. This is where my ambivalence sets in - I can't help to think that if I cut her off completely, then I would lose out on the opportunity. The only reason I am seriously contemplating contacting her is that I just don't want to look back and regret not doing enough at the time.

Perhaps in the back of my mind, I keep thinking that something 'great' would eventually develop out of this 'not so much friends, yet not gf/bf' relationship. However, it has become too taxing on my heart, with all the rollercoaster up and downs associated with it. I feel like I am perpetually trying to catch that prized fish, I know exactly where it is, keep dipping in the water, but only get nibs back. If I continue to try, will I eventually catch it?
I told myself I would never want to be the guy that would do all the chasing, and in order for a relationship to work, both sides would have to put in equal weight. In some aspects this hurts more than my first (and only) serious relationship post-break up. For my first relationship, the timing was right but the connection (looking back now) wasn't that great. Now, in my current situation, the connection is off the charts, but the timing is a little off. I am extremely attracted to her physically but can't see us being only friends.

I'm stuck in a rut now and I don't know which way to turn. The past year since my graduation has been a downward spiral. I had a great paying job with a career path set up, but was laid off due to the economy two months into 'the real world'. Returned back home and found another job, live at home, and give half my paycheck to my folks to help out with the mortgage because my father lost his job as well. The opportunities to meet women are bleak, since the demographics within the new company are middle-aged and with families.

So which way do I turn? Run for the hills and cut her off (something I don't think I am ready for yet), or continue to keep it casual (even though it burns like hell to find out about this new guy)? I am still (foolishly perhaps) holding onto the hope that when she gets back home for the summer, we would have more time together as she wouldn't be bogged down with schoolwork and the distance.

I sincerely appreciate any advice you guys have. Thanks for listening (and reading).