Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with uncertainty

OK, so I won this thing...

pjern — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 22:12:29 -0800

I got an email announcing that I have won an award in a local photography contest. Yay me! The problem to be solved here is that I now need, I find, to sit down and play public relations and sign books and be chipper and friendly. For some reason, this is terrifying me. Possibly because I didn't expect this when I entered the contest- I thought, "hey, it would be nice to get published, and even nicer to win a prize", but now that I find out I actually won, I'm a little... scared of seeming entirely too dorky and inappropriate in this party setting. Sit down and have to talk to people, be clever and write clever things extemporaneously in books that people paid good money for?

Oh help me, hive mind. This isn't me.

So what kind of things can I write in a photo book that won't seem disingenuous or overly dorky? Am I over-thinking our favorite legumes here?

Put another way: You spend $40.00 on a photo book about your city: The prizewinning photographers are there to sign it for you: What do you expect them to write?

How to break up with someone when you don't quite know why?

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 16:34:21 -0800

Feeling horribly guilty about the possibility of breaking up with a really great person. How can I articulate to SO reasons that I don't fully understand myself? And what responsibility should I take for practical matters such as finding a roommate to replace myself, cancelling mutual holidays etc? After around 2 years together, I am seriously contemplating breaking up with my SO. He is 34, I am 26 and we live together with 2 other housemates (who I am also feeling increasingly incompatible with). I accept that I have done the wrong thing by procrastinating about having "the talk", but I have just felt so ambivalent & am constantly internally debating whether or not / the way I can do this - taking as much responsibility as possible for my decision, even though it's really just because of a growing feeling more than anything else - while causing the least amount of hurt to him...

SO is not in any way at fault for the disintegration of our relationship. Even I can't articulate exactly what feels wrong about it, I just don't feel that enthusiastic anymore. For the most part we can laugh and have fun, relax together, enjoy ourselves and of course I feel great love and affection for him, but deep down I think I've been unhappy for a while. I think I can sense that he is discontented also, although I'm not certain if our relationship is the primary cause of this. I have tried to talk to him about how he feels about things (his career, life goals, us, etc) but he is not a big "talker" and it's pretty difficult to coax his thoughts and feelings out of him... although no doubt I could be a more patient and understanding communicator also.

Although I have tried several times to broach the topic of our relationship, change never seems to result. Maybe this is because I'm not sure what actually could change, to make us happy together. We have both talked about how we feel unfulfilled by our present jobs and suburban lifestyle. I don't know exactly whether it's as urgent for him as for me... I often discuss the future possibilities & am researching job options, courses etc, but he doesn't seem to do this... at least, if he does he doesn't discuss it with me. I would love it if being with him inspired me with possibilities, rather than made me feel that we will be in the same rut forever... but hey, he probably feels the same way about me! Also, we don't seem that sexually into each other anymore either & there has been less and less activity on that front recently. In general, I find it hard to express to him what's important to me in a calm, rational manner; I just feel like I'm babbling on hysterically, as he often simply listens silently rather than responding or saying anything. Now I look back and can see that we got together at a time that I was a bit lost and lonely, to be honest, and hence overlooked several factors (like our different personalities, goals and values) that are gradually starting to bother me quite a lot. For example, I would describe myself as being, on the whole, quite proactive about solving problems in my life (except, it seems, relationships...) where as SO has a more relaxed, accepting approach that occasionally frustrates me, as (from my perspective anyway) it seems to result in "drifting" a bit. I realise that this is mostly just a question of "different" qualities, and not "better or worse" qualities in each of us. He is a very calm, gentle person who doesn't easily or often express himself in words, and I am dogged by the constant guilt that maybe I haven't tried hard enough to understand his side / talk to him about "us". I am also worried that he doesn't have much of a support network, as he became slightly distant from his close friends while we were together and tends to be fairly introverted when it comes to getting out, calling people etc.

Anyway, I feel incredibly guilty about the prospect of breaking up with him. Firstly because he's done nothing but be himself (and he is a truly great, funny and caring person); secondly because I moved in with him and let the relationship progress this far when, in truth, I always suspected it may not be a long-term thing; thirdly because I know it will hurt him deeply and I worry he may not reach out for support. Even more so, because we have holidays booked coming up (just a brief interstate trip, but then in March his mother has booked flights for us elsewhere) and I know that my moving out will probably precipitate the break-up of the share house that I'm in because it will be too expensive for them (we shared a room and therefore there was an extra person to split the rent between).

So I guess my questions are:
How can I go about this in a mature way, causing minimum hurt to this wonderful person, when I'm not 100% certain of the reasons why I actually want to break up? Is it too unkind to say... "I'm just not that into it anymore?!"

On practical matters:
Do I simply give 4 weeks notice to the housemates (there is no lease as the house belongs to a mutual friend)? Or should I find a replacement housemate myself? Should I reimburse his mother for the holiday?

I feel this urge to take care of all these issues myself, because I am the one breaking up with him. I know I have a responsibility to start being honest with him ASAP. But I'm just not sure HOW honest to be, and where my other responsibilities start and stop...

Surviving Uncertain Times

Anonymous — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 20:58:46 -0800

How does one deal with uncertainty enough to stop worrying? I’m trying to keep this as brief as possible, but it does get a bit tldr.

I graduated from college last month and have since been actively looking for a job. I’ve applied all over, gone to interviews, even contacted temp agencies, but nothing has happened so far. I currently live in New Jersey, and because I don’t know how to drive and public transportation within my part of the state is iffy, I’ve been applying for jobs in New York City (which is less than an hour away). The original plan was for me to live at home until I could get a job, and then over time I would save up enough to move out. But this didn’t work out.

It’s like this: For the past nine years, we (my mom, me, and my two underage, and somewhat delinquent, siblings) have been living in a house rent-free. The house was owned by her mom, and is currently owned by my aunt (my mom’s brother’s wife), although my grandmother has had a say in things. Neither of them live in the house, although we do have tenants upstairs. Today, after years of deteriorating relationships, etc., we were informed that we would be getting put out and we have 60 days to leave. We don’t really have any recourse, and I have no idea what’s going to happen to my family.

However, the one bright spot in this is that my father’s mother has given me permission to live with her in Jersey City if worse comes to worse. (My parents are divorced, and my other siblings have a different father, hence her giving only me a place to live.) The location is very advantageous, and she likes having me around, and I’ll be helping her out with errands and such, which I don’t mind. The close proximity will allow me to go to interviews and eventually to my job. It’s a tiny apartment—I’ll be sleeping on the sofa—but it will only be temporary. There is a possibility that I could be living with my mom, which I don't really mind, depending on the location.

I guess what my problem is, though, is that there’s nothing that scares me more than uncertainty. And so everything about this situation scares me. When I say I may be living with my grandma “temporarily,” I’m not even sure what that means. I haven’t had any luck getting a job so far, and so I’m not even sure if I can get one by the end of the 60 days, or if I can even get a temp assignment and at least have some money when I move in. And if I can find a job, I’m not sure if I can speed up the moving process somewhat because my credit score is bad and, other than paying off my student loans once the grace period is up, I’m not even sure if I can get a place with it or get a credit card in time so I can build up my credit. I know I won’t be out on the street, but I don’t think my dad (who helped arrange this whole deal) realizes that I may be there for more than a few months.

I know adulthood is hard, and I know I should just deal with this. But how? I’m a notorious worrier, so even if someone tells me not to worry about something, I do. How do you deal with uncertainty? My mom isn’t any help; she’s the “take it one day at a time” kind of person, and I’m of the opinion that that attitude has gotten her into more than a few scrapes. But how do I deal with this anxiety? How can I ensure that I’ll sleep tonight, and the next few nights? I can’t see a shrink—no health insurance.

Anything you can tell me will be much appreciated. Thanks.

How to deal with uncertainty in job hunt?

joewandy — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 04:20:47 -0800

I'm currently jobless and have been hunting for web development/programming jobs for the past three weeks. I just received my first offer two days ago, but do not feel that the company is right for me. On the other hand I'm pretty anxious about passing up the opportunity. What do you think I should do? There's also an additional time constraint involved. [more details inside] My gut feeling is telling me that it isn't the right company for me (small operation, pretty run down, gloomy staff, didn't really like the place), but I'm pretty anxious to refuse the offer for fear of not being able to find other opportunities.

The salary offered isn't great at all (15% cut from my previous pay). It seems that it would actually place me below the industry's average in the pre-recession era. Other people, however, seem to agree that it is pretty okay considering the economic mess nowadays.

There might possibly some potentials for growth in position, but I didn't intend to stay for long as I would be pursuing postgraduate study a year from now.

So, do you think I should just commit myself to this very first offer that I've got? Ideally I would like to hang on to it for a while, and carry on searching for opportunities elsewhere. Unfortunately the potential boss would like me to give the decision by next Monday (two days from now), so there isn't really enough time to do any other searchings at all.

Bear in mind that I'm pretty junior (2 years of work experience, specializing in Java/J2EE development). My current location is in Singapore; the job market here is pretty tight and quite affected by the economic downturn, although not as bad as in the USA. I'd say that it's comparably similar to how Hong Kong is faring at the moment.

I must have sent about 50 copies of my resume for the past 3 weeks till now, and managed to secure 3 interviews. Only 1 of those ended up with a concrete offer as mentioned above.

Snoop snoopy snoop

Anonymous — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 09:09:21 -0800

Relationship woes! He wants a relationship, then he doesn't, then he does again. I want this to work out, and seemingly so does he, but I have my doubts after finding "a letter" to some other girl... what to do? Met a great guy in May. I knew from the start he was moving across the country, but we said it was casual, so that was no problem (I was sleeping with two other people at the time and he had a couple of one night stands).

Inevitably, we grew closer. I came to like him more than expected and opened up in a way I rarely have with anyone. Two weeks before he moved away in August, he said he wanted to make it exclusive, and that he would like us to be living in the same place in a year's time. I had my doubts because we hadn't spent much time together by then but thought about it and a few days later said yes.

I had been looking to move on anyway, my current location and job don't offer much in the way of what I'm looking for in the long-term. Also my job contract was coming to an end, and I had been looking for jobs elsewhere already, so I focused the job search on his new location. I interviewed for several jobs, and landed a great one. So far so good.

During that time (up to mid November) we were seeing each other about every other weekend. He's a student again and was feeling the stress, I tried to be supportive and undemanding. I have my own stresses but am much further along in my career so they don't pose the same kind of daily pain his seem to. I noticed over the course of a few weeks, contact went from mutual and loving to mainly one-sided (from me) and "just checking in" (from him).

I tell him about the job offer and he gets cold feet. Says he wants to be friends or casual again. I say okay, I understand, this is moving fast and I wasn't 100% ready to be in a couple anyway. Casual is good for me. We see each other less frequently but still talk, and things are positive. I go out on dates and assume he is too. I accepted the job in his area and found a place to live, but didn't tell him that because he's not my boyfriend anymore and I tried to make a decision based on "what if we never met, would I still take this job?"

When we were still offcially together, we booked a vacation for New Year's in a foreign country where neither of us knew anyone. We went. In the back of my head I'd been thinking if it went well, continue on as we are and see what happens after I move; if not, gently end it and move across the country anyway to start a job I'm excited about.

The vacation went fantastically well. It was as much time as we've spent together, and it just worked on every level. We connected deeply, and on the way home, he asked me to come back to where he lives rather than go back to my city. It was clear he wanted to say something and didn't want to do it in the airport. I changed my travel plans and went back to his for a night. We talked. Turns out he wants to rekindle things.

Then I found the letter he wrote some other girl.

I wasn't snooping (he had about ten draft copies scattered all over his desk and I was looking for a pen) but I shouldn't have read it. It contained a very emotional plea to a girl in his class who obviously, in the time we've been apart, he's grown close to but probably not slept with. She obviously has rejected him. There were also notes outlining a phone call which made it clear he HAD sent the letter, it upset her, and he called to apologize for sending it. I guess all this happened the week before we went away.

Worse still I went and sought out her photos on Facebook (she and I have three friends in common). She's a real flirt, that much is clear, and a party girl. Very different from me in terms of look and interests, mine are much more outdoorsy like his. Also she is about 10 years younger than me or him (we are early 30s). I can definitely see the appeal, she does not look like she would demand anything from him at all. But then I thought I wasn't demanding all that much, after all, he asked me for the commitment and I didn't even want to move in with him when I relocate.

Last semester they were carpooling to an out of town campus in her car every day, this semester they are on different campuses. I can see in retrospect he was probably flirting with her before we split and being single again pushed him to try for something more with her.

I decided not to ask him because we were not a couple when he made his intentions known to her, when she rejected him, or when he wrote the letter. Also I felt if I hadn't found the letter I would probably be thinking differently about him today. However it did disturb me mainly he seems to fall very quickly! I'm much slower to get emotional about people.

He's been calling and texting since I got home, asking how I feel and where I stand and being generally sweet, loving and everything he was in the beginning before the stress of his studies started to get to him. I just don't know. My instinct is sit and wait, don't move forward and don't move back. But I am moving to his city soon and should probably tell him that so we can both make an informed decision. I'm just confused. Am I only his backup girl? Or is it possible he really does mean the things he says about me? In general my impression of him has been of an honest, straightforward person but now I'm starting to wonder.

So MeFites, what would you do? I'm ready to move, that much I know. What I don't know is what to say to him, or to bring up the letter, or anything at all. I've been avoiding his phone calls and texts because I can't think of a single thing to say to him that doesn't sound accusatory.

Navigating uncertainty

concourse — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 05:51:07 -0800

How do you know if you're doing the right thing? What sort of workaday, mental rules-of-thumb do you use to ensure your thoughts or actions are best suited to deal with an uncertain (moral or otherwise) situation?

Maybe you already use a range of 'mental heuristics', such as these.

Or perhaps you abide by one simple principle, like Abraham Lincoln's: "When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion."

In general, what on-the-fly thinking works best for you (i.e., no pen and paper around to sketch and figure things out with)?

What should go on my reading list?

ifranzen — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 16:21:58 -0800

I'm doing my undergraduate thesis on the rhetorical technique known as Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt. What should go on my reading list? I'm interested in how groups with power use FUD to manipulate public thought.

I want to ask questions like:

What is Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt?

Does FUD challenge the idea of the rational consumer?

How can it be used to manipulate public perception?

Where can FUD be seen in contemporary America?

What are the effects of geographic, political, or social boundaries on the spread of FUD?

Does FUD differ from a more general appeal to fear?

If you were me, what books or articles would you choose to put on your reading list?

What's the worst professional mistake youv'e ever made? How did you recover?

universal_qlc — Sun, 03 Dec 2006 18:26:14 -0800

What's the worst professional mistake youv'e ever made? How did you recover? I'm 23, fresh out of school, and rather terrified about my future. I entered a job, and it made me pretty miserable. After speaking with my former academic advisors and internship supervisors about the job, they advised me to quit (and also said they'd gladly act as references in a new job search). So I did. I have a good reference from the job I quit as well, although my exit itself was not the neatest. While I think I have my ducks in a row as far as job searching goes (got the references lined up, some part-time temp work lined up and savings to cushion the financial blow, put out the word that I'm looking again), and have a much better idea of where I'd like my career to go and the steps I need to take to get there, generally I feel pretty awful about myself after this experience.

So, while I'm not specifically looking for advice on my particular situation - I am curious about the other professional mistakes people made when they were my age. What happened? How did you recover? Did you recover? Please tell me that things get better after the age of 23, and not worse. Or, be horribly blunt and tell me that it will be a long, hard slog to put my career back together, and that the real world blows. Either way, your personal stories are appreciated.

I'm fairly certain that he's not gay.

Anonymous — Mon, 17 Oct 2005 22:24:27 -0800

I found a bunch of women's clothing in my boyfriend's closet and a bunch of underwear in his drawer. I'm ok with that, I think. How do I tell him? We've only been togather for a few weeks, and while I like him...