Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with trust

If it was private, why was it in our account?

Anonymous — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 15:17:50 -0800

What is good shared email account etiquette? I just got chewed out by my spouse for reading an email to her from a friend that was sent to our shared email account. She said as soon as I opened it and realized it was meant for her, I should have closed it up and not read it. The problem was that the email was from a friend who uses a shared account with her husband and the email wasn't a Dear So-and-so letter, it was a forwarded poem whose topic was essentially--"Men Suck and You Can Only Count On Women" Heck, I even responded to the forwarder saying, "Ahem, this is a shared account." The poem really wasn't tongue-in-cheek either. I simply called out my spouse on the content and had the whole enchilada turned right back around on me that I violated her trust.

Obviously the solution to this is to have a private email account for private things; in fact, this account was set up over a decade ago for communal use for bill notification etc.. My wife just happened to make it her primary email account for herself over time. I feel it is abundantly clear that there is nothing private in this account. Many of the salutations (even from her family) are, "Hey guys" Not Dear Her....

Did I miss some sort of boundary here?

Veni Vidi Vicious

Christ, what an asshole — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 13:27:03 -0800

How do I become an effective leader? I'm a new member to an organization, and I've been tasked with the head position for our 20-member recruitment class.

I've held management positions in the past, but I still feel relatively inexperienced. That is, I'm learning everything on the go. We're pretty much a ragtag bunch who all met within the last couple weeks. As far as I know, I've earned everyone's respect and haven't violated anyone's trust.

For those with experience, what are some issues I can expect to come across? Any anecdotes and advice are welcome.

My Teenage Daughter Said I'm Untrustworthy. WTF?

dzaz — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 13:01:38 -0800

How do I cope with my angry teenage daughter? After an somewhat nonsensical rant about how hard her life is (I wanted to chat with her about applying to colleges and how the process was going), she dropped the bomb that she doesn't trust me and therefore doesn't have to talk to me. As briefly as I can make it: I'm a single mom, and she's 17 and the eldest of 3 (and 16 year old sister and 11 year old brother as well). Her dad left 6 years ago and lives down the street with his gf and her kids (same ages as mine). Yeah, this has caused serious pain and she and other daughter don't see Dad at all.

Over the years I've tried to get her to talk to a therapist but you know how it is: if she doesn't want to talk, there's no point. So no more of that. She's always been a reticent kid, not prone to being dramatic.

Of note is a few years ago she did try cutting herself; she immediately agreed to talk to someone and within a few weeks truly seemed all sorted out.

In the past few years, she's found a part time job she loves in the veterinary field, got her license (I bought her a used car), and bought a retired race horse. By all accounts, we see less of her but she's pretty happy. School is not her #1 priority, she doesn't want to be a veterinarian and is planning to go to college to learn to be a vet tech assistant.

So far, so good.

So today I asked her how the process was going, asking if she wanted help or anything, and she just went kind of nuts. Her rant ultimately included that she doesn't want to talk to me ever because she doesn't trust me.

I was pretty calm and said that must be a pretty miserable feeling (she agreed) and asked if she could explain what incidents she was referring to because if anything, it was a pretty big thing to say without giving someone a chance to understand.

She refused, continued with her "I have no reason to ever trust you," etc. and told me to leave her alone.

So I did, but now I'm sitting here just wondering, WTF do I do about this?

I have NO IDEA what she's talking about. I honestly cannot recall ever saying one thing and doing another or anything like that.

Help?

Isolation Fatigue

Anonymous — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 17:54:27 -0800

What happened to my ability to trust in and connect with people? How do I regain it? These anonymous questions regarding social malfunction tend to be oversized. I will be as brief as is possible, but here's what's going on:

A couple of years ago, there was a Great Disaster in my personal life. The person I thought to be the love of my life and the person I thought to be my best friend ran off together. Most of the time, I consider myself to be "over" that experience, good riddance to them both. But lately, I've come to suspect there may yet be some residue from this event still clogging up my processes.

A catastrophic depression marked the months that followed the Disaster, which I overcame through a course of therapy, exercise, medication and a rededication to that which had interested and moved me in times past. I endeavored to break my isolation by reestablishing contact with old friends and getting out of the house to meet new people whenever possible. I even resumed dating and have engaged in relationships both casual and serious.

However, there seems to be a remaining difficulty. The "inner sanctum" of my person is still largely unavailable, inaccessible. I have made a wealth of new acquaintances, but no new deep and lasting connections with anyone, including even those I've been intimate with. As for my old friends, it has been a joy to be in contact with them again, but aside from a couple who have demonstrated saintly patience, I've not shared my inner world with any of them nor heard tell of their own. I dread becoming a burden to anyone, both those who I've connected with in a genuine way in the past, and those I potentially could today. At some point, it seems as if I've just slipped into reruns - yes, you're lonely and anxious, what else is new? I cherish these people and I don't want to be a bother to them, I don't want to do anything that would risk our relationships. Adding to the difficulty is that all of my old friends are scattered throughout the country and many of them have quite different lives than they did when last we were in each other's company regularly.

In a former life, I was a rather open person. I made friends easily, had many visitors and went visiting often. I've lost this instinct so gradually and so completely that I scarcely recognize who I used to be. Today, I meet many interesting people that I suspect would be fun to spend time with, but I feel as though I've no way to suggest or initiate such a thing without being an obnoxious bother. Many of my local acquaintances have friendship potential, I feel, but I'm at a loss as to how I might cultivate these connections - once, it was easy and natural, today it seems impossible. I feel like opening up to them or trying to get them to open up to me would drive them off. Much is heavy on my heart these days, and people have a natural preference to spending time with cheerful people, I think. And again, I'm so grateful for the connections we do have that I am loathe to gamble with them. Also hobbling efforts to spend more time with the people I'm just getting to know are severe handicaps in terms of transportation, disposable income and scheduling - I work nights, typically six of them a week.

Have you ever been in such a predicament, or known someone who was? What did you try in order to break free? Did any of it work? I suspect another round of therapy will be a component in my eventual (one hopes) success in this area, but this is not possible for another month or so. In the meantime, there are an awful lot of crushingly quiet and lonely days and nights ahead. I would like to address this as soon as possible, need help to do it and am afraid to ask for that help.

So I put it to you anonymously, AskMe - How do I relearn the art of making and keeping friends? halfc0ckedj4ckshaftoe@gmail.com is the throwaway e-mail for questions, clarifications, replies you'd prefer to keep private and any other matters.

Thank you.

Hiring someone you can trust...

blueyellow — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 07:55:40 -0800

Over the last few years a couple of partners and myself have been building a small business that tries to make money using computers to trade in the stock market. Technically, we do black-box prop trading. Its been an uphill climb these past few years, but we are now at the point where we are considering hiring someone. This person will be a programmer/developer that will help with existing projects and help us grow in new directions. We are currently faced with a big dilemma. Whomever we hire will have to be given full access and will be exposed to our trade secrets. This kind of business lends itself to the temptation of impropriety. This person could take what we have and either sell it or assuming they break the barrier to entry use it for themselves. They could probably do this without getting caught as well, with the effect being that our secrets lose their value. We wouldn't mind hiring someone remote either. We have outsourced pieces of projects to various developers already. But these have been non-proprietary projects in the sense that they didn't contain specific trading information. This is our first foray into taking someone on that will have access. My question then is how do we minimize our risks when it comes to this hire? What recommendations, experience or thoughts do you have?

OK for him to make female friends at the bar?

lalalove — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 12:27:02 -0800

Is it appropriate for a guy in a serious, committed relationship to meet and befriend a group of random people (male and female) while out at the bar, exchange phone numbers with one particular woman, and then make plans to meet up alone for drinks with her at some later time? I've seen some similar questions about girlfriends trying to control their boyfriends' communication with other women, and the general response has been "she's nuts, dump her". But I feel this situation is a little different, and wanted to get some opinions. Thank you in advance!

My boyfriend and I are currently in a long-distance relationship (ending in two months -- the long-distance part, I mean). Our relationship is wonderful. But there have been some trust issues along the line, not because either of us has actually done anything questionable in the current relationship, but rather because we were friends for years beforehand and during that time I pretty much had a front-row seat to him being a very sketchy boyfriend to his last girlfriend (there were some extentuating circumstances and complications...but still pretty sketchy). I was sort of wary about dating him to begin with, but it really seemed like he'd changed & was serious about me and our relationship. And, like I said, he hasn't done anything really questionable since we've been dating. Anyway, I'm totally head-over-heels in love with him, and I get the impression he feels the same way.

A couple weekends ago he went out to a bar with some mutual friends and got really, really drunk. He and his friends started talking to a group at another table. When his friends left, he stuck around with the random people they'd met (guys and girls). I'm not sure of the exact details, but I gather that they stayed at the bar till close, then sat around on a stoop outside until about 5am, and then he and this one girl walked part of the way home together because they lived in the same direction. At some point, they exchanged phone numbers.

When I talked to my boyfriend the next day, he told me he'd had a crazy night and ended up staying at the bar with random people. He said he was happy to have met some people who live in his neighbourhood, because his other friends don't. Then a week or so later, he mentioned that he'd been texting back and forth with this girl "Katie", and that they'd been talking about meeting up for a drink that evening (it was a Sunday), but it didn't work out in the end. About a week after that, I was visiting him in his city. We were out with some friends when he got a text from Katie (at about 1am) asking him to come meet up with her.

I thought about the situation for awhile and realized that it made me really uncomfortable. I have no problem with my boyfriend maintaining female friendships, whether old ones or new. My boyfriend is extremely sociable and he gets along very well with women. Several of his close friends are women he's been sexually involved with in the past, but I trust that they're platonic now and I'm okay with him hanging out with them, even drinking with them one-on-one. I trust that he loves me and wants to be with me, and wouldn't do anything to mess that up. But I feel like there's a difference between having friends who are girls, and getting some random girl's number when you're hammered at a bar at 5am. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Anyway, we talked about it and I explained how I felt....that I didn't think it was really respectful of me or of our relationship to be meeting new girls that way; and that even if he meant it totally innocently, it probably didn't come across that way to the girl because guys in serious and committed relationships generally don't act like that. And the thing is, he totally saw it my way and agreed that he might have crossed the line. He said he hated that he'd made me uncomfortable, and that even though he knew it wasn't actually inappropriate (as in, nothing happened or would have happened), he could see how it looked sketchy.

The thing is, I never really thought he had cheated or would cheat on me. I was more concerned with how it "looked". Obviously his actual intentions are most important to me, but I also think the way you present your relationship to the world is important. And hanging out with a random girl until 5 in the morning, and then making one-on-one plans with her....even if it actually was totally innocent, that just seems really fundamentally inappropriate to me. But then I think....well, why shouldn't he make a friend who happens to be a girl? Why should it matter that he met her at a bar instead of at his job, for example, or through another friend? I know that he wasn't actually trying to pick her up or sleep with her...so why does it seem so wrong to me? But it does.

Technically the situation's resolved, but I can't get over this feeling that I might have been in the wrong for imposing my fears and insecurities on him. I don't want him to feel restricted by our relationship, but I also feel the need to be clear about what I'm comfortable with, and to set appropriate boundaries. What do people think?

Seems to me if you can't trust, you can't be trusted

arcticwoman — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 08:53:00 -0800

A person's self-rated trustworthiness (how trustworthy you think you are) is correlated with their levels of trust (how willing you are to trust others). Where could I have possibly read this? I am going crazy. I read an assertion to the effect that self-rated trustworthiness correlates with willingness to trust, and I based a section of my thesis on that argument. The problem is, I read so much, so fast, and didn't take adequate notes, and so now I can't for the life of me recall where I read it. And with keywords like "trust" and "trustworthiness" - even "self-rated trustworthiness" - my searches are coming up with millions of unrelated articles and books.

Does anyone have any idea where I could have read this?

I have a people problem. I have no idea what it is.

Anonymous — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 16:59:16 -0800

I have a people problem. I have no idea what it is. A lot more inside. I have a people problem and I have no idea what it is. I'm late 20's, just married, an expat in China, out-going, friendly, and intelligent. I have been described as having a "strong" personality. I know I talk too much (as the length of this explanation attests). I get passionate about things. I don't easily let things go. Though I wouldn't call it a grudge, I can hold one for months and years but am willing to let them go if the other party can show even a hint of remorse, or acknowledgement of how I might have seen things, for previous wrongs. I try to make the first move, usually rebuffed, in those situations.

I'm defensive. I've been called a know-it-all and I would agree in that I rarely claim to know something I don't and will happily check Wikipedia on my phone at that very moment to see if I'm right. I hold my ground but can quickly let go in proportion to the amount of truth offered to show me wrong.

I think of myself as very logical. I'm defensive, but with a thick wall and many doors that open with a little bit of cool (or) reasoned thinking by the other person. In college, as one of the top lefties on campus, some of my best friends were the leaders of the College Republicans. I easily let myself be proven wrong if someone else is willing to "argue" (again, not my word of choice - "discuss" is more appropriate) it out with me. I admit that I really enjoy a discussion/argument that makes me think on my feet and ends with me knowing something, or seeing something, I didn't know or see before.

I am very informed. I spend way too much time in any given day keeping abreast of current events and nearly anything of interest to me. I used to pride myself in being able to have a conversation about almost anything, so long as it wasn't pop culture.

To recap, I feel I have embedded safeguards against being accused of being too aggressive, pig-headed, know-it-all or whatever. I hold my ground but move with my "opponent" if they have any real interest in fact-finding.

Despite this, though, relationships are exploding all around me. I'm tired of these blow-outs. I never seemed to have them in college but they're happening a lot now.

I'm convinced there's something with my personality type that just fundamentally rubs a lot of people the wrong way. I, mostly, like myself and can't see what anyone wouldn't like (except discussion about politics and any sort of argument, which I try to limit when I think it's trivial or going negative). I'm just blind to it.

The closest I can get is this: people (especially me) are emotional creatures and not inherently logical. However, the idea of trusting logic and debate/argument/Socratic dialogue over our emotions in everyday life as a way of resolving issues just hasn't caught on anywhere outside the political science and philosophy classrooms of America. My "enlightened" way is just pissing everyone around me off all the time and I'm treated in much the same regard as a fundamentalist Christian by many people - outside the mainstream culture, speaking an entirely different language, and using a different social code of conduct that frequently breaks down when used with people who aren't practicing a similar code.

I think my need to “call [things/people] out” is something I know most socially healthy people don't have. I go crazy though when I hear people say something that just isn't true – especially if it's easily verifiable. I regard sticking to a key “fact” or strong opinion while being unable to qualify, back down from, or verify as one of the worst character traits possible. In other words, I know I respond negatively to arrogance with a dose of my own unwelcome, but verifiable and condional, “truth”.

For what it's worth, I think a lot of this comes from surviving as a child in a household where black was frequently called white. My father and stepmother have a very fundamental problem telling, and maybe even knowing, the truth. Untruths and irrationally were frequently thrown at me and I had to teach myself to stand up to it. I developed a strong and rigorous "bullshit detection" system to stay sane. The residue is that maybe I just don't automatically trust the information in conversation as much as is likely normal.

For reference, recent “blow ups”

---helped a friend who had a computer he wanted to throw out that kept crashing. I offered to install Ubuntu as a dual OS (wubi), work out all the kinks, test to make sure there was no crashing , and explained the pro's and con's before the installation. He agreed. He proceeded to never use it and tell people I did nothing to help him. When I confronted him, he let me work on his computer to save face. The words “you're unable to live your life with any dignity” were used after the relatively polite “please stop talking shit” message was sent. Two weeks running now. He's my best friends roommate.

---a friend came over with his visiting mother with some take-out dishes of a specific regional cuisine. I really enjoyed one of the dishes but forgot the name. I asked him. He told me the name was X, but X is the name of a very different dish. I tell him it's not. I get a “fuck you” within a minute even though I never raise my voice and only offered to check online and ask my wife. Go to Flickr and Google Images, all confirming what I'm saying, but he won't buy it. He tells me people don't even want to meet me because they hear I always start fights over little things. Left unresolved and brewing.

---My sister skips my wedding. She tells me she can't afford to fly overseas. The whole trip would cost maybe $1200. She invokes her son, saying he would be hurt if she came and demanded my wife and I pay for her ticket if she were to come and that she could never ask her Porshe-driving fiance for a loan or any sort of help. Big fight. Later we offer to pay for half the ticket. After that I find out she got breast implants at the same time. She had paid for it up front but her new husband was going to re-reimburse. I call her out and say I felt betrayed. HUGE fight, no contact for months now.

---My father decides to sell my car after sitting on it and letting it rot for two years. My stepmother and he transfer my title over to my step brother-in-law for a shockingly small sum of cash. They determined the value of my car without contacting or consulting me at all. I try to find at least some rational and cross-verifiable method of verifying the “fair” cost using any online pricing book (kbb, edmunds) they'd like. They never agree. They get many details wrong, including basic things like the trimline (they chose basic instead of luxury). I, and wife, offer tons of proof to what we're saying. I finally provide irrefutable proof (Carfax) and never hear a response back. They never change the sum they're offering. Haven't spoken in months.

Add to this tons of people I meet, think I have at least a small connection with, but the friendship never goes anywhere and I can just feel they don't like me.

What am I doing that's pissing everyone off so bad? I'm a friendly guy, really, but I feel like I drive a lot of people away.

How do I cope with this with fundamentally changing who I am? Do you have experiences with people like me? What rubs you so wrong? Are you like me? What are your coping methods?

I am trying to trust him

Anonymous — Wed, 20 May 2009 10:31:09 -0800

Am I totally off-base regarding trust issues with my boyfriend? Advice needed. I need to know if I am putting unreasonable expectations on my boyfriend.

First some background. We have been dating for about 10 months now and we are currently living together. Things have been going well and we are trying to work through some trust issues, with some success. Essentially I feel like I am upfront and honest with him about things, and I find he can be evasive and secretive. But he is making an effort, albeit small.

Here's an example: when we first started dating, he spent a lot of time with a friend (who is same sex, as we are a gay couple).

They would go for walks, watch movies... I wanted to meet this person but there was always some reason as to why I couldn't.

I find out about a month later (after pressuring him for an answer), that this isn't just his friend, its his ex of 3 years!

I felt betrayed as he had never mentioned to me that this close friend of his was his ex -- something I feel I should have known. Unfortunately that event set the stage for some of the issues we've had in our relationship.

Last night, I found out that my boyfriend didn't graduate from high school, and is going to be graduating this Friday.

He is 26. I am happy for him but more upset that anything because he told me several times that yes, he had some problems in high school, but he went back a few years later, finished his courses and graduated.

He even wrote a speech with this info and presented it to one of his college classes. I always believed it to be true and never once questioned it.

Now I am finding out it was all a lie and I am feeling betrayed. He also didn't tell me upfront... we had to have an argument about why he wouldn't tell me what his plans were on Friday night, and after 2 hours, this came out.

Considering the issues surrounding trust that we have ... am I right to be upset (and feel betrayed)?

thanks for your advice.

I think I don’t like or trust my partner sexually any more.

Anonymous — Mon, 18 May 2009 13:05:15 -0800

I think I don’t like or trust my partner sexually any more. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? How did you manage? Long account under cut. Mid 20s, female in heterosexual relationship for five years. First couple of years, things were going great. Lots of things in common, similar thinking, intellectually compatible, even same sort of taste in food, and we were both physically attracted to each other. Lots of fun doing activities together.

We became intimate a year after we started dating. A bit of awkward fumbling initially -- I am his first, too -- but we managed, and things were pretty rosy initially. About a year later, I started to feel dissatisfied. He’d be really enthusiastic, whereas I would feel bored. Things also started to happen, such as in the middle of things he’d switch to another position, but it was really uncomfortable for me. I’d stop him, but he’d say it feels really good for him, and he’d keep trying it again subsequently, even though I repeatedly told him that I didn’t enjoy it, he said he forgot because he was too excited. Those incidents left me feeling used.

To overcome my boredom, I tried initiating things that I was interested in, but he’d try that for a few minutes and say that he didn’t feel good, or it was more physically demanding and he got tired, and we always ended up going back to the routine he prefers. I am completely insistent on safe sex, and a couple of times he tried to penetrate me without a condom, and that upset me, I put a halt on things. Our relationship was also cooling down from the initial head-over-heels part, we were both busy, so we didn’t have sex that often.

One evening he came over, we spent time together as usual, then I wanted to go to bed as I was tired. He wanted to cuddle so I let him; what I didn’t expect was for him to initiate sex even though I made it clear I just wanted to sleep. I stopped him, he sort of clung on, I felt coerced, he didn’t go all the way and left shortly after. The incident left me feeling violated and used, I just felt like a line had been crossed, and I broke down afterwards, alone. I didn’t know how to articulate why or how I felt, and didn’t confront him or talk to him about it.

That was last year; we were also both very busy, and when we weren’t I found myself planning activities, and avoiding being in situations where we might end up in bed alone together. I stopped having sex with him almost completely, although I did not have a diminished sex drive. I did consider breaking up, however, he’d always been caring, supportive, gentle and stable in other aspects of the relationship, we still enjoyed each other’s company, so I stayed with him.

Recently, a friend asked me if I would consider marrying my current BF, and I realized that I no longer felt sure about a long term relationship or future with him. I think I’ve lost interest in him sexually -- sex is important to me, but I don’t want to do it with him. I like him, but now I’m not sure if I think of him as a romantic partner or a very very close best friend.

I should mention that all the while in the background of these five years I’ve also been having identity upheavals and changes; recently, I decided to come out as bisexual, after having repressed it since my early teens. I found myself yearning to be able to discuss this coming out with him, but I realized that I no longer feel emotionally close enough to have such a conversation.

I don’t know what to do now. I like him, but I think because of past behavior I don’t trust him as a sexual partner any more, and that diminished my feelings of attraction to him. I don’t want to break up, but at the same time I find myself wanting out, just so that I could go back to dating other people again.

He’s completely not into open relationships at all or taking time-outs, so that is out of the question. It’s either monogamy or nothing. The logical solution is to talk to him about it, but I don’t know how to even start -- “I’ve been avoiding sleeping with you for a whole year because I felt violated?” I’m planning to see a therapist. But I also want to hear the hive mind’s thoughts.

trust issues for parents

Anonymous — Mon, 18 May 2009 11:37:44 -0800

My parents aren't behaving… what do I do? Hi!

I'm in my 20s. Yesterday, my mom decided to use my computer, and not being particularly computer-savvy, left a Google Chat open, and I found out that with my father out of town, she's looking for a hook-up.

I know that the more I find out the more I have to live with, but today I found out that she skipped work and went to meet a guy, all as part of the same plan.

My question is this: What do I do? My mother has always been someone I've looked up to, without question, and this is really screwing with my head. In the less than 24 hours since this has been dumped on me, I've gone from trusting my mom absolutely, to not being able to trust her at all. I'm worried about what this means for me, my family (my younger, live-at-home, siblings), my parents, etc.

Trust vs. Faith - what's the difference?

Anonymous — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 11:35:18 -0800

What is the difference between trust and faith? Long setup, but non-chatty purpose, I promise =) Hi MeFi's,
I have come to a crossroads in life. After 27 years of life, I'm having trouble differentiating between trust and faith.

About this anonymous poster: 27 years old, male, straight, in a steady relationship, currently agnostic but was raised in a Christian household. Physically / mentally / emotionally stable, not on any medications except the occasional aspirin.

OK, I trust people. I typically trust the news and most factual / scientific sources of information. I sometimes trust my bosses. I completely trust my girlfriend of a long time. I feel as though I have no **faith** in any of the aforementioned.

When I was a child I was raised in the Christian faith; that continued until I went to college, where I went to church of my own accord. After graduating, I stopped going to church of any kind, and didn't really miss it. I call myself agnostic because I don't feel I have faith in someone / something....

I see trust as a process, earned by the typical give-and-take in whatever form a relationship between X and Y may take. Past performances are some guarantee of future results, in other words. I see faith as being in something of sight unseen, to use a Biblical quote. Faith hasn't yet built a reputation like 'trust' has; one must believe in order to see its benefits..

I can trust, but I can't have faith. Is there something wrong with me? How do I have faith in something / someone? It's certainly not that I don't want to, it's that I wish Faith had some guidance to go on.

Throwaway e-mail address at trustvsfaith@yahoo.com.

(Anonymous because I'd rather not have this question linked with my account. I have friends on MeFi that might raise some very uncomfortable questions... K thx)

Car Rental and Social Capital: Help!

Maias — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 18:15:14 -0800

Looking for source of an anecdote about social capital and trust. It involves renting a car: and apparently, in some developing countries (or possibly rural China?) where there are low levels of trust of outsiders, people at first found even the idea of renting a car implausible because they can't see why you would let a stranger drive away with your car or why you would return the car to a stranger you will never see again. Google has provided no answer. The anecdote was used to illustrate the way modern market societies rely on trust between strangers in numerous ways (with obvious checks and balances, like a credit card!)... does anyone have any idea where this might have come from?

How can I make her realize I'm not her ex-husband?

Anonymous — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 08:41:37 -0800

We're trying to get back together, but she has trust issues. How to overcome these? I'm from a culture that sanctions arranged marriages, and I'm in a situation where a girl I've known and liked for a while is the one I might have a chance to marry.

I first met this girl (let's call her Jo) when she my cousin's roommate in college. We talked on IM and the phone for a while, and it was obvious she really likes me. I wasn't ready to get married at the time, and she ended up getting hitched to someone else.

Her marriage lasted for 2 months. Her husband was cruel and treated her horribly. Jo broke it off when she found out that her husband had another girl on the side and was in the process of getting engaged to that person. She was devastated and demoralized by the divorce.

In the meantime, I'd met a girl as well and I got engaged to her. I ended up getting dumped by this girl, and it broke my heart. Jo and I got back into contact and started talking.

It was as if the old chemistry was back. We would talk for hours. So, I broached the subject of marriage last year. Jo freaked out and sabotaged a potential meeting between our families. She says I'm to blame for the meeting not going forward. What happened is that her aunt called my mom and asked us to come down and meet. Jo then began acting as if she was being forced into this. Not wanting her to do anything against her will, I cancelled the trip. Jo was mad because I hadn't consulted her prior to cancelling.

Last week, I met Jo's aunt when she came to the city I live in for a wedding. The aunt really likes me and has encouraged Jo to give me another chance. Jo seems more enthusiastic about marriage this time around as well.

Still, she has some of the mistrust of men that was caused by her old marriage. Is there any way for me to help assuage her fears and make sure the marriage goes off smoothly?

If you need more info, I've set up a throwaway e-mail address. It is arrangeddude at gmail dot com.

Religious teachings on trust

arcticwoman — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 12:23:12 -0800

Where can I find religious publications (any religion) on the topic of trust? I'm looking for examples of how various religious denominations discuss the concept of trust in order to contextualize the findings from a series of interviews I've done. I found an LDS magazine with a good search function, and I'm looking for similar stuff for other groups. Published sermons, magazine articles, even sections of holy books - all are useful.

Do I pass her the rolling pin and just ask her to beat me with it?

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 18:59:35 -0800

I have been a bad boyfriend and I could use some advice. I have been reading my girlfriend's email with some regularity for over half a year. This means I'm a nasty hypocrite since I have often regarded myself as someone who supposedly values honesty very highly. I have for a long time ran keylogging services on my own PCs out of a general, nerdy paranoia. At a point in our relationship some time ago when I was feeling particularly jealous, paranoid, vulnerable, I realized that this would be a very convenient way to snoop on my girlfriend who often used my computer when she was over. I didn't read everthing but I read a fair bit.
We're still together, only now we live together. I am no longer so jealous and out of control that I still do this, but I have compulsively opened her account even fairly recently for the sake of convenience, as in she was expecting to receive information that affects us both, and I went ahead and checked it before she had the chance just because I was antsy. This seems especially twisted because I was so relaxed in abusing her trust.
Obviously she deserves to be let in on this. She's out of town at the moment and in my privacy I've been reflecting on the situation. I can't sleep. I was hoping for some guidance:
Have you been on either side of this shit-conundrum. How did it go?

Assuming she's willing to work with me, how can I be redeemed? Other than this, we have very honest, open rapport with eachother.

I have a throwaway email address here if you don't want to discuss this publically: talksomesenseintome@gmail.com

"I never would have gotten through it without the support of friends and family." Wait, what friends and family?

Anonymous — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 05:47:00 -0800

How can I trust people again? (Lengthy, can also be characterized as "whiny".) It's like there's this horrible clear shell around me. I see other people, I desperately want to connect with them again, I desperately want to feel a sense of connection to the world-at-large, I cannot do it. I can't believe in something bigger, I can't believe in something better than all of this no matter how hard I try...

It is three years ago and I am working with an organization that has started taking a serious toll on my mental health...I eventually quit, but it is a little too late for me not to remain affected.

I have expended huge amounts of passion and energy into my job and my life, but the people I have tried so hard to work for and the friends I have tried so hard to be there for totally are not there for me back. At this point I feel totally used. I basically feel like I've been parasitically drained and that anyone will take advantage of you given half a chance.

I try to turn to anyone and everyone I can because I think I have a support system but all of a sudden, it's as if no one gives a shit. And by no one, I mean no one. I try to reach out to family, to friends, to colleagues, to mentors, even to supervisors, to anyone in my damn community...

Basically, everyone, any group of people you can name that I think I can count on leaves me hanging. Their basic response is: "Yeah yeah whatever we've all got problems."

I have never felt myself to be defined by the people around me, but this lack of support leaves me utterly shocked. Basically I feel like the world has dropped away from under my feet at this point. Like the entire world has abandoned/left me. I mean shit, if even the people WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOU CAN'T BE THERE FOR YOU, what kind of shitbag must you be? (And who are you anymore if your friends and family won't acknowledge you?)

I start going crazy, because I feel like I have all this stuff going on inside my head, and if no one's helping me out with it, I must be imagining it because GODDAMNIT SUCK IT UP ALREADY.

Sucking it up is not doable. I try to hurt myself. I am dragged to a mental hospital. It has been up and down since.

Like I said, it's been three years by now. I learned to deal with some glaring issues (all that stuff in bold, for example, is the stuff that keeps circling around in my head, and I'm sure you can armchair some stuff of your own). I learned how to talk to a counselor (I trust her, yes). I learned how to take medication (Wellbutrin and Seroquel and yes, I'm fine with it -- for now). I have ended a horrible codependent 2 1/2 year relationship with someone, the kind I never would've imagined myself getting into back when I was healthier. I have gone back to school. Even though it sounds unlikely, I'm actually in a much better spot than I was those years back. I should be getting out of this right?

I have not tried to talk to anyone in my classes. I have made no friends this semester. I barely look anyone in the eye.

I don't like to be like this. It is not me. I used to be an activist for chrissake. I am shit-scared of everyone, I HATE being scared, I feel like a bitter, shrivelled-up old lady (I am 26/f), I think every human relationship I have is going to fail, I think everyone is going to leave me hanging again, I feel everyone is just going to betray me, I have walked away from anyone who has tried to befriend me ever since then, I have walked away from everybody I used to know, I just cannot bring myself to be close to people, I find any kind of reason to cut them off and out of my life, I purposely try to alienate people as hard as I can to get them out of my life and have gotten horribly good at it, I can't bring myself to trust the people who now say they're there for me, I don't answer the phone, I don't even go out anymore, I have become ridiculously paranoid and dread any kind of human interaction that's more than cursory...I hate myself because I feel shitty and low for feeling rejected, I hate everyone else with a furious passion because I feel rejected.

I can't live like this anymore. I don't want to believe people are bad...but I can't stop myself. Help. Why can't I break out of this shell?

*For the past couple of days I've been meditating on the "outer reality is a reflection of your inner reality/you hate others because you hate yourself" thing. Maybe this is true. I don't know. If it is, how can I forgive myself? What am I supposed to forgive myself of?

**If you even made it this far, seriously, thanks.

Am I overreacting?

thatbrunette — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 23:23:39 -0800

Are "innocent" lies okay? So I have some trust issues, namely that I don't really trust anyone and am highly skeptical of people in general. In this situation, I'm wondering if the slight hurt I'm feeling is warranted or not:

So I'm casually seeing this guy. There aren't any commitments, just some unspoken tacit agreements. We've had this 70% friend 30% lover relationship for about 4 years now, and we spend quite a bit of time together. That said, we're also both hermity folk: we like our alone time. Since we don't live together, that in and of itself is easy to manage. Any other time it's a simple "I want some time to myself tonight", or if we both happen to be online a "Not feeling so conversational at the moment." No hurt feelings.

Recently though, he's been lying, and I'm not sure why. For example, he told me the other night that he was going to head to bed for an early night, since he had to be up early in the morning. I told him goodnight, and didn't think anything of it. Later that evening I was heading back to my place and saw him at the coffee shop on campus, alone. He didn't see me, and I felt awkward and stalkery seeing him, so I just chalked it up to not being able to sleep. Only it's happened again. He said he was heading off to bed, and an hour later I almost bumped into him (alone again) at the library, reading. Again, I didn't say anything or let him know I saw him, because it felt weird.

I don't need to keep tabs on the guy, I'm not his mother. He doesn't need to be accountable to me at all. But why bother telling me one thing, if it's a complete lie? It doesn't make sense. He's not seeing someone else, but it still hurts, and fractures the trust I was building in him.

Regarding trust in a relationship.

red_rika — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 00:48:08 -0800

Regarding trust in a relationship This thread is pretty dumbfounded but I somehow want to complain to you metafilters.

I recently got involved in a relationship.

A month later (our 1st anniversary), I called up my gf and wish her happy 1st month anniversary and yada yada. In that phone call, she said that she had actually cheated on me approximately 2 weeks into our relationship. Cheated = made out with a friend of hers several times.

I asked why. She said that I hadn't been treating her very well in that period of time. That is due to me not really being able to spend time with her due to my assignments and also me being very negatively thinking regarding our relationship (i.e. i am not good enough for her or not as compatible with her compare to other of her friends).

I wasn't angry with her at that time she confronted me. I am not sure if its because i truly love her and am able to forgive whatever she does or maybe its due to the fact that my love for her isn't so strong that I do not really care much about her.

I knew of the guy that she made out with. I knew that she liked him. She had told me before that she doesn't like him at all and just takes him as a good friend. However, i guess my trust was betrayed.

Sometimes when i hug her now, i'll think of the things that she and the guy do. I guess the only way for me to forget about those matter is time.

I will be going back to Melbourne to study for approximately 5-6 months and my decision now would be ending our relationship as I do not want to be in a relationship where I have to worry about my gf everyday, thinking what she might do to betray my trust again.

Is this a viable decision?

p.s. sorry for the badly constructed sentences.

What happens when a doctor breaches confidentiality?

Anonymous — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 20:27:50 -0800

What happens when a doctor breaches confidentiality? I was talking with my doctor in her office at my appointment and mentioned my friend Jane Doe. My doctor said, "oh I know her, I treated her for these conditions, and furthermore you should know she is this kind of person." Now I feel like I may not have privacy with my doctor because who knows what she's saying behind my back? (I have not told Jane Doe that I know about her medical condition.)

I got the number for a local patient advocacy place, and would like to call them, but I want to know what will happen? Will the doctor just get into minor trouble or will she lose her license? Will I need a lawyer? What if she tries to say I lied and she didn't tell me this information? Can she get some kind of revenge or sue me? If the doctor goes to a new state, will the complaint follow her or will she be able to start fresh with a new license?

My husband does not want me to turn her in. He says that other doctors will not want to treat me after I do this. Is he right?

How do I get him to lay his cards on the table?

Anonymous — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 18:30:12 -0800

Getting married in September but my husband-to-be won't come clean about his finances. My fiance is all-in-all a great guy. The most recent example: He rode several miles on his bike in the middle of the night in 20 below weather to get medicine for my cat that he doesn't even like that much---three times.

Despite his myriad good qualities, we have a major problem. He refuses to divulge how much debt he is in (I know he at least has student loans he's not paying by his huge stack of unanswered mail), nor his exact credit status which he has admitted is bad and on top of that, he appears to be in dutch with the IRS.

Neither one of us make a lot of money but we get by okay and are generally quite happy. We are looking forward to getting married but I need to have our finances straightened out (not necessarily completely paid off, but just have a plan) in order to feel secure doing that.

I know he fears my reaction when I find out the extent of things but I am sincerely not interested in judging or chastising him. I've been where he's been and know how scary it is. The difference is that I made the decision at 25 to clean up my act and be financially responsible while he's 38 and still acting like he's too cool to be concerned about such things.

I'm still working on getting my credit back but I am willing and able to be completely transparent with him about my financial status. When I try to get him to talk about his stuff he always attempts to put it off or make me feel bad for nagging him.

I'm not going to love him less if he's a million dollars in debt and has a credit rating of zero. I just need to know where we stand financially as a couple so we can make a plan to get to where we need to be.

The IRS thing is the most pressing concern for me. In 2007, he made a lot more money than he normally does and ended up owing taxes on it for which he was (surprise, surprise!) not prepared. After April 15 I asked him if he had filed and he said no, that he had gotten an extension till October. So I asked him from time to time up until the middle of October if he had filed yet and the answer was always no. I was, admittedly, a little miffed because I felt like he was procrastinating himself out of the free money that was the economic stimulus package. Technically, the money was his to do with as he wished but it still seemed unfair to me as I had spent my tax refund and stimulus bonus on furniture for the both of us and sort of assumed he would do the same as we desperately needed furniture. In addition, it just seemed emblematic of his financial irresponsibilty.

Finally, after the second filing deadline had passed I asked him again if he had filed and the answer was finally yes. I accepted him at his word and let it go. Fast forward to a couple months ago when he receives a thick letter in the mail from the IRS--addressed to the apartment we had moved from in July, long before he had supposedly finally filed.

At this point I am pretty sure he lied to me about filing and told him as much and asked to look at the letter from the IRS. He refused and insisted I let him take care of the tax situation himself. I told him all of the things I stated above...that I just wanted us to be honest with each other...blah blah blah, but he insisted it was a point of pride for him to take care of it on his own. I told him that he needed to take care of it then and I would need proof it had been taken care of and he agreed.

Currently, he claims to have asked his parents for a loan to pay his tax bill. I have no idea how much the bill is for and have no way too verify that he did what he said he did other than to call his parents and humiliate him which I won't do.

At this point, I really doubt he has done anything about his taxes and I'm feeling deceived, though I have no proof. I think he's just hoping the problem will go way on its own or I'll forget about it.

I don't want to lose an otherwise great relationship because of this, but I can't just stick my head in the sand and marry him.

This is obviously an ego issue for him and a practical and trust-related one for me. How can I get him to realize how important this is before I have to ditch him at the altar?

Also, any online resources or advice regarding the combining of finances, financial couples counseling, etc. would be greatly appreciated.

Where to start when you start over?

Anonymous — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 09:49:46 -0800

How do you start over, with a new love or without one? Heartfelt, soul-searching soap opera of my life and love inside. You met them (to avoid silly pronoun problems) on the internet. They made you laugh. You thought it was harmless. Both of you had other commitments, other relationships in your lives.

Neither of you intended it to go anywhere. It was just supposed to be friendship. Somehow, you tumble head-over-heels anyway. They confess to feeling the same way.

You both overcome boundaries--complicated personal relationships, huge geographical distances--to meet "IRL". You figure it has all been too good to be true online. Surely this will only lead to disappointment IRL.

But you meet. You laugh often. You revel in the conversation and lively debate. Evntually, inevitably, you make love. The sex is incredible. You have never felt so free, so independent in your life. And you feel like...yourself. No pretenses, no subterfuge. Then the two of you separate as planned, go back to your "other lives".

Being pragmatic by nature, you tell yourself that you are just infatuated, that you are not thinking clearly. Happens all the time, you know. People do this. They meet online, get together, fool themselves that they have something when they don't. This will pass, you tell yourself. The infatuation will fade. It's wrong to feel this way. Let it go.

You make a dedicated effort to end it, going months without contacting them. You fall into a deep depression. You go to therapy, you take medication. Nothing helps. Conversely, even your real-life relationship, which you had sought to help by this separation, worsens because you feel so disconnected to everything and everyone emotionally.

Only when you are with them, even if it is only online, are you happy. It is not what they do--just knowing they are part of your life is enough. And when, finally, you accept this and get back in touch with them, it's as if no time at all has passed. The two of you come back together seamlessly, effortlessly. And, of course, you want more than just the online stuff. You continue to see them when you can.

This is not just a fling, like so many others. The feelings only grow stronger over time. Gradually, It becomes a relationship measured not in days, weeks or even months, but years. Their support has helped you do things in your real life you never had the courage to do before. They've helped you discover yourself. Along the way, you have come to terms with the problems in your real life relationship, and you know you have to do something about them. You know there is little communication, and that you have never had the emotional intimacy you need to thrive.

You feel you could be independent now, when before you felt trapped. At various times in your relationship with them, you have both considered changing your lives, despite the many hardships and the others involved, to be together. Now, you feel you are ready.

You understand that they may not be able to go through with it. It's a huge commitment. You know that in the end they may lack the conviction or the courage to leave the life they have now. Only they can decide what is right for them.

Regardless of what they do, you feel you must make the change in your own life. It is not about a promise of something that might be, but an end to something that no longer is.

And of course you're scared to death. This is a secret years in the making. You can handle being called selfish, a betrayer--you deserve all that. But you don't want to hurt anyone any more than you have to when you leave. You don't even know if you should tell them the whole truth, the why behind your decision.

So you go online, and ask nameless, faceless people you have never met, (but maybe people who will be objective simply because they don't know you) HOW do you do this?

How do you end one life and begin another without destroying the lives of those you leave behind? How do you move out on your own when you have always been sheltered and protected before?

Where do you START?

I want to trust my boyfriend but he's making it so hard

ninefour — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 14:49:19 -0800

I would like some unbiased opinion. Right now I am 4 months into a new relationship which has generally been going well. We get along great, have lots in common, and we have been spending a lot of time together. But I am having a hard time trusting him. I would like some unbiased opinion.

Right now I am 4 months into a new relationship which has generally been going well. We get along great, have lots in common, and we have been spending a lot of time together – pretty much every night and weekends. I consider him a very important part of my life. Just so you know, we are a gay male couple in our mid 20s. But I am having a hard time trusting him.

There has been a few situations where I feel like my boyfriend has been less than honest with me and evasive. This has contributed to a feeling of me not being able to trust him. Unfortunately, I thought they we had moved past this but it keeps coming back up. Let me explain:

- when we first started dating, he would often talk about his friend, let’s call him x. My boyfriend, x and his partner would watch movies together and hang out, go for lunches, text and call each other. I was rarely at any of these gatherings. I thought he was just a friend. He would housesit for them and take care of their dog (they are a couple). It wasn’t until about a month into dating that I found out that this "friend" was his ex-boyfriend. I was shocked and demanded to know why he didn’t tell me from the beginning. He said he didn’t tell me because “they have moved past it, and now they are just friends, and had been for a couple years.” I told him that I felt it was an unacceptable relationship and that I thought it was weird. Well they ended up getting a fight a few weeks later about him housesitting for them and me not being able to stay there while he did; and they haven’t talked for a couple of months.

- Fast forward to this month, I have been asking my boyfriend about what our New Years plans are for a couple of weeks, since his best friend is in town visiting.

He has been generally avoiding the subject, saying he doesn’t care what we do. Yesterday, 3 days before New years eve, I found out that he actually is going out for dinner plans with his best friend, and his best friend’s parents. He says if I wanted to come they could “change the reservation…” in other words, I wasn’t invited and he had known about this all along.

He wanted me to meet up with him later (and his best friend) after his dinner thing. He says that it’s a tradition and they have done it every year… I demanded to know why he didn’t tell me about these dinner plans when I had been asking him for weeks what he wants to do for New Years Eve.

He initially said he “forgot”… then said he didn’t think New Years was such a big deal to me, and finally that he felt uncomfortable inviting me to this dinner since his friend’s parents would likely pick up the tab for dinner.

I told him that as a couple, he should have asked me what we wanted to do first and then we could make a decision as a couple on what we wanted to do.

What it comes down to, is that I don’t understand why he is acting like this. I feel really left out and excluded, and especially on a night like New Years, I feel like our plans should be priority number one.

In the back on my head, I worry he is cheating on me, but I think this is mostly because of past experiences (I have been cheated on before). I am scared to continue this relationship, worrying about what he is doing all the time and feeling like I am being intrusive because he won’t give up any information. He acts like he has something to hide.

I am in love and I am not sure what to do next. I feel like there are red flags all over the place here. I am scared because I am in love and I have no proof -- but my gut is telling me this isn't right.

We had it out last night over the New years dinner thing, and I ended up feeling like I was being unreasonable and jealous of his close friendship. Any insight would be appreciated… thanks.

Deep down I feel like he is a good guy, but this behavior is unacceptable and I am not sure what to do next.

My precious girlfriend is too exquisite for words.

johannahdeschanel — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 08:51:11 -0800

If actions are doubtlessly mightier than words, would this person be considered trustworthy? I have a friend who has been in a long distance relationship for about a year while her boyfriend is working abroad and waiting for her to go to school where he is. Boyfriend has come home to visit her many times, and visa versa. They are definitley an exclusive couple but they appear to be cut from different cloths. She grew up around all sorts of social butterflies who understand certain types of obligation in relationships, while his behavior in relationships is not always conventional. Recently, she found his address book on his computer. Entries consisted of mostly women, and notes about them containing details of how 'amazing' or 'exquisite' they are. When she saw her name, there were no descriptions or words describing her beauty. He is a decent and somewhat nerdy person who treats her like gold, and he has regularly told her how beautiful, smart, amazing, exquisite, funny, talented, etc. she is in real life (same list of adjectives)...in addition to going out of his way to do nice/cute things for her and spending lots of money on her. But if he really has such strong feelings for her&only her, why wouldn't he write it down, the way he wrote about the other 'friends'? If he thought she was so mysterious and intriguing and dear to his heart, why wouldn't he think of her when he was writing about other people? Is this normal behavior for couples to not acknowledge each other in addressbooks? Since they are already so familiar with each other do they not need to 'remember' each others' qualities in notes (the way one would need to remember friends from foreign countries)? She believes he would never physically cheat on her, but is this 'emotional cheating'? As long as they both know in their minds that they are the Only Ones for each other, should she let actions always speak louder than words and forget about it or should she talk about it with him? What is a reasonable response to this?

How do you build trust with a dog that is scared of you?

bwilms — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 06:58:41 -0800

DogFilter: How do you build trust with a dog that is scared of you? History: Greta is a ~13 month old Italian Greyhound rescue. She was picked up as a stray and fostered for three weeks by a regional rescue originization. When we picked her up we were told by her foster family that she wasn't comfortable around men, but would most likely warm-up. Beyond that, they didn't know anything, so there very well could be something in this dog's past that has scarred it.

I am comfortable with the fact that I will have to work for her to trust me. I am prepared to put in the time and effort required to make it happen. If patience is the only real answer, then so be it. What I would like to know is if any of you have had similar experiences with your dogs and if there were any steps you took to help them begin to trust you? Everyday feels like Bill Murray's Groundhog Day - it seems like we make progress and then the next day she forgets who I am. I am afraid I'll never gain her trust. Read on for more.

My SO and I have had Greta for 1 month now. My SO is home all day and has been working on basic training for Greta (Positive Reinforcement). She is generally very receptive to my SO, and will "Come" and "Sit" on command. Greta follows her around most of the time. Here are some scenarios with which we are having difficulty:

We share our bed with Greta. When it's time for bed, she runs in the room and hides behind the bed. As I'm brushing my teeth in the attached bath she'll bark at me. If I poke my head out, she hides behind the bed again. It's not until I am in bed, under the covers that she comes up and curls right up next to me under the covers (regrdless of whether or not my SO is in bed with me).

We attempt to correct her behavior by consistently using a swift "Shhh" sound when she is doing something we disapprove of. This is fairly effective in other areas, but doesn't seem to help the barking. Sometimes redirecting her attention to a "Sit" seems to help with the barking, but it isn't a consistent behavior as of yet.

When I wake up (generally 5:30AM), I sneak downstairs for breakfast. I quietly return upstairs to brush my teeth and she barks the whole time, waking my SO. On my way out the door, I put food in her bowl. She races downstairs and barks some more, as long as she is aware that I am around.

When I come home, it is more barking and she runs away. She does not appear to be aggressive. She seems to be more frightened than anything. I do not approach her directly, but if I walk into the room, she hides in the corner. Once I sit down she stops barking. As long as I am calmly seated and ignore her she becomes interested in me and will slowly begin to sniff and approach me, eventually having a seat next to me allowing me to pet her (at which point I provided positive reinforcement). But a sudden move will make her bolt. If I have a blanket on my lap she can sneak under, this process is expedited.

We have determined that I would feed her, so that she makes the connection between food and me, hopefully putting me in a positive light. However, whenever I put food in her bowl she barks at me, like "get away from that!", but she doesn't defend it. I carry treats so that when she comes to me on her own she is rewarded. However, when she takes them she adds distance between us and keeps her eye on me while she eats it. Sometimes she won't take it from my hand at all and scurry away.

She'll play with me on the floor - mostly tug toys. However, I need to lay fully on my side. The moment I move to a seated position on the floor, she bolts. I try changing my position slowly through the course of play time, but it never fails to spook her once I reach a certain stage of uprightness.

On a positive note, she will walk with me, but I have never done this alone - only with my SO present. I would like to walk her alone, but I would have to hold her to put her lead on and carry her out the door. This would require me to have her on my lap so that she was in a position where I could actually hold her without her running from me. With my SO, she will come to her and allow her to put her lead on while seated calmly. I'm realizing now that I should really try to build a walking routine with just her an I.

At this point, the only "quality time" Greta and I have are: when she sits on my lap (on the couch, under a blanket) and when we're playing on the floor. Otherwise, she doesn't positively interact with me much. I've grown up with dogs and am used to having them excited to be around me. I guess I'm just having a tough time with Greta and want to hear that things will eventually get better. Additionaly, I am trying to figure out how to approach barking in the morning when she "hears seomthing" (me) downstairs. I want her alert and to bark if something catches her ear, but I don't want her to bark at me. On a side-note, we are also planning to take her to classes so we can begin working on socialization.