Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with troubles

My parents drive me crazy.

divabat — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 01:32:04 -0800

How do I deal with my parents on limited resources without sending all of us into a fit? (likely to be TL;DR) My parents and I have a very strange relationship. Over the years it has gone from really bad, to quite good, to distant, to just weird. My mother, in particular, has a lot of issues that come into conflict between us.

She's the eldest of two, from a South Asian country, but was brought up by her grandparents as her school was nearby. Her parents died when I was very young; she migrated with my dad to Malaysia when my sister was a little kid (I was born & bred in Malaysia some 11 years later). Her sister is currently in the US with her family, and she's got extended family elsewhere.

She's always talked about how lonely she feels, how she feels that her family keep walking away from her. Unfortunately for her, her immediate family (us) are also the type to fly away. My sis is in the UK, I'm in Australia, and my dad's work takes him travelling often. We're far away not because we deliberately want to avoid her, but because we're all nomads and have found better livelihoods overseas. Still, she often tearfully accuses us of "abandoning" her, of "not wanting a mother anymore".

My dad isn't so great with emotional support. He's a typical dad - logical, stoic, sometimes formal. I'm the apple of his eye (Mum used to go on and on about how as soon as I was born Dad forgot about Mum and my sis and just focused on me) but it can be hard to get Dad to see why I do the things I do. He's very stubborn and has a certain view of what the world should be. Whenever any of us expresses a problem or vent, he either announces that he'll fix it all, brush it off with "don't worry be happy", or thinks we complain too much. The last bit sets Mum off SO MUCH to the point of fights - "Why don't you want to listen to me?! You're always away! You don't value me!!" I've often asked Dad to look after Mum a bit more but all Dad says is "she misses you two. Come back and she'll be better."

My sister and I, despite our age difference and she being far away for most of my life, are very very close. We've both turned out to be iconoclastic eccentric rebels (of a fashion) and we both understand and respect each other's life choices. My parents often try to ask one of us to lecture the other one on their choices "can you tell T not to travel so much? Can you tell M to call us more often?" but often we don't agree with the parents, we think the other's doing OK! Yet when we say this they launch into this tirade of us not caring about each other. My sister gets the worst of it - she's been yelled at so many times for supposedly not supporting me in my depression, for not paying for my education (there was a deal that she'd pay for my uni studies if she got her Ph.D. paid for; she never got enough money to do that but I wasn't too bothered either way), for not caring about me. Even though she's the only person in the family that respects me in the first place!!

My sister sometimes feels bad for me because she went through all the disappoint-the-parents stages first: changing her career from science to illustration, living together with her British fiancé before marriage, going off to weird arts festivals. This has put extra pressure on me to be the "good girl" - which, by my parents' standards, I absolutely "fail" at. They've just had a big upset over my sister declaring herself atheist (after her fiancé refused to perform the Muslim conversion ceremony at the upcoming wedding) - they will freak out if they discover my Pagan leanings!

I've just graduated university in Australia, and have just received a great opportunity that would involve staying here for at least another year. I like it here; I get to be myself without feeling like I'd be punished for being deviant. Due to high costs and restrictions on jobs, my education and life so far has been mostly subsidised by my parents. Getting the visa that lets me stay here longer, find a self-sustainable job, and develop myself to do the things I like costs more than what I have in my bank account at the moment, so I've had to rely on them again for money.

There was some back-and-forthing (which I thought was weird since my parents were pretty keen on me getting Aussie PR and were pushing for it at one stage) but they're now supporting me financially. Hopefully when I finally have this visa I'll have financial freedom and stop leeching off my parents. It doesn't give me emotional freedom though - my parents (my mother, especially) call up wondering where I am, why I don't call back (when I *do* call they think I've gotten into an accident, even though I just want to say Hi), etc etc etc.

My mum has been especially emotional lately. She told me she was "extremely sick"; I asked Dad about it and he said she was working herself into a tizzy because she thought we were fighting over visas (we have disagreements, which are tiring, but nothing to get sick over). It was only after I wrote back with lots of emails saying I'll be fine, I'll look after myself, I'll be responsible, I understand your troubles and know you want me safe etc etc, that she calmed down a bit.

Then today on Facebook, despite all my best attempts at privacy management, she found some photos of me at a Pagan ritual. "OMG SHE'S JOINED A CULT AND PRAYING TO STUPID GODS!!" I had to dodge my dad's questions and build a cover story of us "play-acting", just so they can maintain the illusion of a good little Muslim daughter. (I defriended my mum after another freakout over a blog post - one that she claimed will "send her into hospital with a heart attack". Backfired. She got EXTREMELY upset and claimed that I wanted her out of my life.)

My sister and I have both felt like cutting them out of our lives. But not only is it not possible, it's not very desirable either. When Mum gets a hobby, like interior designing a house or something, she becomes SO MUCH better. She leaves me alone for once! She becomes awesome. Yet now she's afraid of being alone and lonely, desperately wants us back into a country that won't welcome us, doesn't know what to do. And we both know that cutting them off is equal to murder - it's their worst fear ever.

I'm stressed out and tired of having to build my life around my parents. I don't want to feel like I have to hide things from them, but I've already seen the consequences of that. I want to be completely independent of them, but until I get a job I'll still have to depend on them to some extent. They'll always think I'm their "baby" and probably never will think of me as an adult. They absolutely hate the term "It's MY life"; when my sister told them that some years ago they went ballistic.

What do I do? How do I cope mentally and emotionally with this? Am I selfish for wanting to lead my own life even though it clashes with my parents' values? How can I talk to them without every conversation ending in tears (and me being worried about Mum's sanity) or shouting or anger? How can I be true and honest around them if my truth scares them so much?

Books about the IRA and the "Troubles"

proj — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 15:20:08 -0800

What are the best -- in terms of compelling writing and in terms of comprehensiveness -- books about the "Troubles" between Ireland and the UK over the past 50 or so years? Bonus points if available on Kindle. AskMe produced some results on Irish history in general but not specifically the Troubles.

Mother troubles

LSK — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 04:36:07 -0800

Mother troubles from a high-school teen My mother's extremely sensitive to all manner of stimulation, which makes living with her very hard. I'm a musician and she doesn't let me practice music when she's in the house because it bothers her, which is not doing wonders for my ability. Today she woke me up at around 6 AM because I was supposedly making noises that were making it hard to sleep. I was _asleep_. This is a recurring theme: She wakes up at the slightest noise, and needs lots of sleep, so I can't do anything while she's asleep. The worst part of this is that she's a 'night person' and I'm a 'morning person', meaning that she doesn't let me live my body's natural schedule. This is really grating to me psychologically! What can I tell her to allow her to let me live my own life?

My friend is the Omicron Man

metajc — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 22:42:08 -0800

My friend is the Omicron Man ... How do I deal with this dude? My friend from college has probably thee most unfortunate past of all the folks I've known (and I've known a few) and it keeps getting weirder. I need help figuring out what to do or not do for this guy.

I'm 27, I met my buddy when we were 19 at a pretty decent university. We were roommates. His mom died when we were in school, his dad was estranged from him. When his mom died, he ran out of money to pay for school at the end of our freshman year and he camped out in a dorm until they kicked him out (wouldn't go home with me). He got a job but then got badly hurt on the job and was in a coma, suffered temporary amnesia, but is mostly physically OK now except for a slightly jarred personality. He's perfectly sane and extremely intelligent (good with languages, art) but he's also a narcoleptic (and probably depressive) so he misses work and gets fired a lot. Most recently he got fired from bar-tending jobs at strip clubs for missing work due to sleeping, so you can see he's worked his way down. I know the guy sounds like bad news to most people but he's really a good person and all the bad shit that's happened to him has happened because he's down on himself, not because he's out to swindle anybody. Time after time, the root is his lack of money and self-esteem.

My 1st question is "what happens to a super-intelligent 27 year old guy who has no family, has been fired from every job he's ever had, has no self-esteem, and is in debt up to his ears over one lousy year of undergrad?"

My 2nd question is "How would you react to a friend like this when every time you talk to him, some godawful shit has gone down?"

I appreciate folks reading a long, sad post. I see a lot of them on here and I promise to answer some in the future if I can get help with this one. I'm a bit of a sad-face myself (don't have many friends anymore) and I don't always feel like I can help anybody with the hard shit ... why I'm writing this here now instead of talking it out over drinks somewheres. thanks

What is wrong with the MIGHTY MERCURY?

ForeverDcember — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 11:35:30 -0800

What is going on with my 1998 Mercury Sable? I have a 1998 Mercury Sable with about 78,000 miles on it. Lately, and very, very randomly I have had a problem. Every once in a while (and only when it rains) I will back out of my parking place at work at 5:30pm and get to the stop sign when the battery light comes on and the steering locks up. The radio and air conditioner are still on and the engine is still running. After about a 45 seconds (long enough for me to curse and say "what is going on here.. rawr!") the light goes off and I can steer/drive again like normal. No other issues with the car. Less than 150 miles ago we had a full check up done on it with no issues. Any ideas as to what is going on? The car is running fine otherwise. This only happens about once every other week and ONLY when it rains (weird and probably not relevant). Thanks in advance for all the help :)

Is engaging in oral sex normal behavior for girls these days?

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 21:58:44 -0800

Is it socially acceptable for girls to engage in oral sex with different guys she has only met at parties? I just recently had unprotected oral sex with a girl on the belief that she had only one partner before me and that I would be able to get a long-term relationship out of it. You know that was the first time I had any kind of sex and according to her I'm still a virgin since oral sex doesn't count as "real sex". As she's driving me home, I ask her about us and our future. I asked her "why can't we a have long-term relationship?" ok I didn't ask it exactly like that, but I remember saying asking it in a way where I was sure I wouldn't scare her off. She answered that she doesn't think it's feasible--because we both knew it would have to be a long distance relationship--but then she added that I "still have a chance down the road", meaning 2-3 years from now when I get out of college. By the way she's moved out of her parents house while I'm still living at mine and she's graduating from college this may. Knowing all those things really bothered me and I felt, compared to her,I was complete loser. Luckily I knew better to never bring those things up when talking to her thanks to men's magazines. Anyways, I feared those were reasons why she didn't want a long-term or serious relationship in the first place. Well, our relationship took off more than ever after the sex, because we were able to talk about our sexual fantasies and masturbation over the phone; but then she mentioned about her previous experiences giving blowjobs at parties. I lost her when I overreacted over this one--you know kinda of like the character Dante from "Clerks".

It's funny because she kept telling me that she's not easy to get with or a slut, yet she tells me she's went to parties in the past and given blowjobs to guys and she intends to continue doing it in the future. Later after asking her, she does still talk to these guys which make me wonder. She once told me she use to go to church with her parents and she has future plans on going back after college. She doesn't believe in premarital sex and she now she feels bad for having sex with her ex-boyfriend back when they were together.

I brought all this up and proved to her that oral sex is real sex despite how she tried to prove to me wrong initially through wikpedia; but according to her only vaginal intercourse counts as sex and I haven't lost my virginity quite yet in her book. I don't care about my virginity status. In fact, I really hate to believe in such a thing like virginity. I only cared about having her companionship.

What I don't get is, why does a girl who purport herself as this decent, intelligent, Christian girl rebel like this in college? I guess she just wants to have fun that is precisely what her intentions were with me, while I wanted a long-term relationship. What bothers me the most is the the possibly that I was just another guy to her or a fling. I confronted her about this and she didn't deny that I wasn't another guy to her she gave a blowjob to. I don't know, maybe I tuned it out, because I can't remember her once professing her feelings for me like I have to her.

So, again, the main questions is: do all girls go to parties and act wild in this way? and Am I going to have to hear about this behavior from the next girl I date? Do all girls engage in oral sex on the belief it has no emotional or physical consequences? I'm not just talking about nice church going girls , but what about attractive atheist girls? Is it normal? Also, I don't know if metione this before but she said she was on her period two days prior to use having oral sex, so shold I get test not just because of that fact but becuase it was oral sex? I'm asking you ladies out there by the way, but if you guys know anything about a typical girl's lifestyle then your comments are welcomed also.

I'm cool with her Promiscuity right now, not cool with that possibility that i was used. I've imagined that being used wouldn't be so bad, but I wanted more in the relationship. Then again, she's right. We are too incompatible and the belief that we can reconcile and at least keep a friendship is false hope. We fought two times already on the phone and hung up each other believing that was the last we were going to here from each other. Each time, on the phone, I kept begging for friendship making myself look needy--not only that but I believe I lost all what little respect she had for me and my dignity--but we all know the reason why I want friendship is because I believe friendship will lead to a serious adult relationship.

How do I get rid of my deepseated anger for my mother?

Anonymous — Sat, 18 Mar 2006 06:37:44 -0800

So I'm still angry at my mother for some things she did during my childhood. I don't want to be anymore. What do I do? My parents went through a rough time in their relationship when I was ~14, and my mother basically asked me at one point to choose between my happiness (no divorce) or her happiness (divorce). I chose no divorce.

Fast forward nearly 10 years later. I'm a bit more grown up, things have gotten much better between the two of them (Fortunately, they did and do love eachother very much). In my head, I've forgiven her, and understand that she was in a terrible spot in her life and made some mistakes.

However, some part of me is still extremely angry with her. I'm a pretty stable, laid back person, but I can see myself flaring up at her without justification. She's controlling, but not maliciously so, and she's just trying to be my mom, and yet I get angry with her almost every time I see her.

So. Where do I go from here? Do I need private counseling? Do I need to bring both of us to a counselor? How do I bring this up to her? How do I bring this up to her without letting my father know? (He got angry enough at her for the stuff he heard her say to me when I was young. I'd rather not do anything that would set him in any way against her, particularly at a time when her own guilt will probably be difficult enough for her)

Ideas?