Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with transsexual

How to deal when others refuse to acknowledge your marriage.

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 14:40:42 -0800

Over the summer, I got married. For the most part, this is totally awesome. Due to circumstances beyond our control, though, we got married by eloping to Canada, and for many people, this seems to make our marriage less than real. I'm having a hard time dealing with it. For the most part, we're a really boring, ordinary couple: we're in our early thirties, we have an eight-year-old daughter who's biologically mine with a previous partner, though she's never known any father other than my husband.

There's one catch, though: my husband is transsexual, meaning that he was born female. We live in Ohio, which is a state that doesn't allow him to change his birth certificate, nor does it recognize "same-sex marriages". We love each other, though, and wanted the validation that marriage provides, so we decided to elope to Canada.

Doing so filled a real need for us, but it seems to have fallen flat for just about everyone else.

Before I go further, it's worth mentioning that my family and most of my friends do not know that he's trans. The reason is twofold--first because it's none of their damn business what he's got in his pants, and second because my family are very traditional and very Catholic, and they would not "get" or support us in any way if they knew. (I say this based on previous experience--my last serious relationship was with a woman, with whom I lived for three years. She wasn't welcome at family functions, and was never referred to as anything but my "roommate". My mother informed me that I was only with my partner to hurt my family. I do not think that telling them about my husband's trans history would go well.)

So we're very happily married. I just can't get past the fact that...well, that no one else seems to care. My family feels that since they weren't there, it somehow matters less--they even refused to come to a "yay, we got married" party because they felt that it was "too much to ask" of them. (We live an hour away.) I can count on one hand the number of people who even congratulated us--even my friends (some of whom know why we did things like we did) pretty much ignored it entirely.

Making things worse is the fact that my husband recently lost his job, and we can't even get him on my health insurance because we're not legally married in Ohio--we're constantly being reminded of what we can't have. Add that to the fact that a huge number of our friends are having kids (which is something that--for obvious reasons--is going to be difficult, if not impossible for us to do) and I'm feeling...well, really left out.

I'm incredibly angry and hurt that the happiest day of my life has been largely ignored, and that society is set up in such a way that we can't even have the most basic rights that are afforded to "normal" couples. I'm even angrier that now we're expected to be celebratory and happy for people who have the priviledge of doing things the socially-accepted way when they couldn't even be arsed to congratulate us.

I realize that this is the sort of Ask that's begging for a hundred responses of "Therapy, now," but between the job loss and an insurance policy that doesn't cover therapy, it's not really an option for us. I've reached a point where I'm breaking down every time someone sends me another baby announcement or wedding invitation, and I don't have any idea how to deal.

I love my life so much--my husband is my best friend, and our daughter is amazing. We own a house, we have great pets, I have a reasonably solid career and my husband has a job interview on Wednesday. Things are, objectively, pretty great for us. I just--I guess that I feel like no one else recognizes that, and I'm hurt. I've reached a point where if I could walk away from the rest of my life, if I could just tell my family and friends to screw off and somehow start over, I would. But my daughter loves her grandparents, and I...well, I don't know if I can deal with feeling even more isolated because I've told my friends to fuck off.

If there are online resources, message boards, anything, please point me to them, because I don't know what to do. Alternatively, how have you come to terms with the failure of the people around you to acknowledge your happiness?

Questions--or answers you'd prefer to keep anonymous--can be directed to anonymous.secret.email@gmail.com.

How are pre-op transsexuals divided in short-term holding areas after incarceration?

Unicorn on the cob — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 11:17:23 -0800

Where are pre-op transsexuals placed in short-term holding tanks when they are arrested? The men's area, or the women's? I would definitely prefer an answer from actual police enforcement officials, but if you happen to know, I've wondered this forever. I used to live in a shady neighborhood and there was a well-known transsexual person of the evening that got arrested at least six times in front of my building. My understanding from the local convenience store clerk was that she was pre-op, but had breast implants and obviously hormone treatments.

In smaller areas, I would imagine there is a sort of "hold-all" cell area where people get put to sober up, get picked up by their parents, that sort of thing. But I live in a larger town where you are definitely divided in the holding tank areas by gender.

So, cops/transsexual workers/whomever: When a pre-op person gets arrested (prostitute or not, but I'm especially interested in the prostitute side of things, considering there may be violence in the holding tank), where does that person get assigned? The women's holding tank, or the men's? Is a strip-search done beforehand? I pray to god I'm not offending anyone by asking this, it genuinely is a question that has plagued me with curiosity for years.

I would assume that if you are transgender and busted on a larger charge and convicted, therefore serving time, you'd be assigned to whichever prison you belong to based on the genitals that you still retain at the time. Please feel free to clarify this better for me, too. I have seen various documentaries on gender reassignment surgery in prison and know that is an option/possibility; I am more concerned with where people go in the 24-hour holding tank areas for short-term offenses.

Can an Outty to Inney keep a secret?

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 08:16:04 -0800

Is being a transsexual a guaranteed denial for an Australian security clearance? I'm a 15-year post-op MtF. On the personal and professional front, I have always treated my history on a "Don't ask, don't tell" basis. But, neither have I overtly tried to keep it a secret. I have simply tried to keep it from becoming nothing more than a mildly interesting part of my background.

I am being asked to join a project at a government agency. The position I would hold requires a governmental security clearance. I received the official background packet and have been reading through it all day.

Basically, and I knew this as soon as I was told of the clearance requirement, it will require that I 'out' myself. Minimally needing to explicitly discuss my history with many friends that would need to be listed as referee's so as there would be no confusion if contacted during the vetting process.

There are potentially other issues in my and my family's circumstances that could nix getting the clearance. But aside from those considerations, does anyone in the hive mind have experience or know whether being TS is an automatic black-ball? I've been through this once in the US around 20 years ago and didn't make it. I've always assumed they knew more about my issues at the time than I did.

For what it's worth, I'm from the US but a resident of the Antipodeon continent.

What percentage of male-to-female transsexuals are lesbian in their sexual orientation after their transitions?

jason's_planet — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 15:53:47 -0800

What percentage of male-to-female transsexuals are lesbians after their transitions? I have heard that a very high percentage -- my source said 70% -- of male-to-female transsexuals are lesbian after the transition. Is this the case? If so, has anyone attempted to explain why?

As always, I would really love to hear from people with personal knowledge of this group, people who are transsexual or who have dated transsexual people.

How to help a transsexual friend

Anonymous — Sat, 04 Feb 2006 22:23:00 -0800

My friend recently came out to me as a transsexual. This doesn't creep me out at all or make me uncomfortable, but maybe a little awkward: how do you try to help and support someone who just realized that she's really a he? While not a long-time friend he is definately one of my closest current associates. We've previously talked about our sexualities and he'd been rather confused about it all but seems to have it sorted out now. He hasn't asked me to help him find information (he's proabbly just as net-capable as I) but I have been brushing up on transsexual.org for my own benefit. There's tips for families and loved ones of transsexuals, but I've yet to find any tips for friends. Any feedback from transsexuals, friends, family, counselors, whatever would be greatly appreciated, doubly so if it pertains specifically to FTMs.
(anonymous to protect the innocent and closeted)