Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with tact

No, sippy cups are not for scotch

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 18:57:42 -0800

My kid has a much beloved playdate buddy. Problem is; playdate buddy's mom is a drunk. A clingy, needy, whining, status-symbol addicted, country-club, drunk. I wouldn't mind if she was a fun drunk, or if she only drank after her husband got home, or if she didn't call me and want to come over when she was drunk...but suddenly, I've got this drunken crazy woman in my sphere. I don't much care for her, but our kids adore each other. I don't drink. I used to drink. I used to drink a lot. Then I realized I was probably an alcoholic, and I quit drinking for the most part. (I'll once every couple of months have a glass of wine, or an after dinner port or brandy, but I've trained myself to stop after one. More than one and I'm afraid I won't be able to stop, ya know?)

Anyway, I know all the symptoms of someone who is functionally drunk. The careful enunciation, the deliberate movements, the sort of sloshy head thing, and the overwhelming cloud of breath mint. She hides her drinking, but it's pretty obvious that she carries booze with her, on outings, she'll disappear every 15 minutes or so until she hits that "stage". Anyone who knows a drinker knows what I mean by the "stage".

All of that would be annoying, but tolerable, except for the fact that she wants to drive over to our house after she's called and I can tell she's "staged". Also, when we go places, she wants to always take her car, because she has a very expensive car, and she doesn't want to be seen getting out of my little economy car, when we could be driving in her status-mobile.

Thus far, I've been avoiding the issue by saying "oh, I'm sorry we're doing something" or by bringing my kid over to their house...but tomorrow is a big day. A bunch of neighborhood moms are scheduled to take the kids to see Santa and some other xmas events.

It will be an all day thing, starting very early. How do I tactfully suggest that she ride with me, rather than letting anyone else ride with her?

I despise drunk drivers more than I can express, for reasons I won't elucidate here. But she's kept her alcohol use hidden really well from those people who either aren't or haven't been around alcoholics. So, I can't just come out and say to the other moms "Look, she's a drinker, it's not safe, just take your minivan." I mean, I can, but it's going to cause a huge scene, at xmas, when everyone is already on edge, plus I'm not sure anyone would believe me. She's very good at hiding it, and she intimidates those people who are intimidated by wealth.

But, I'm afraid if I don't say something, then gods forbid, something happens...I can't knowingly put all those other people in danger.

Help me hive mind. How do I keep the drunken trophy wife out of her Lincoln?

Throwaway email: playdatemomdrinks@gmail.com

The is nanny to the mother and the son.

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 14:52:40 -0800

I'm a nanny for a woman who's been unemployed for 2.5 months and is now depressed. The means she is a) home ALL THE TIME, and b) driving me absolutely crazy. What, if anything, can I say? I am a nanny to a lovely three year old, and have been his nanny since he was born. I get along excellently with the parents, too. Except that for the past two and a half months, the mother has fallen behind on freelancing gigs and has consequently parked herself in the studio loft and hasn't moved since. As anyone who has taken care of someone else's child knows, having the mother in plain sight for the whole day is REALLY awkward: I feel like I'm being watched, and that every minor scrape is attributed to my incompetence rather than his toddler playing. The loft is open and no walls separate the living room from the kitchen from the computer room from the bedroom, so she can't shut herself away. The mother used to do work at cafes to get out of the house, but since she got depressed she now she spends most of her time on Facebook and BBC.com at home. I think she's discouraged by the job market, as she keeps saying she's never had to wait this long to get more work, but I also can't help noticing that she spent an awful lot of time making a Mad Men avatar and IMing friends (she keeps the volume on high). These are things she could at least do at a cafe outside the home.

Because the kid is totally obsessed with whatever is happening on computers, I can't keep him from scrambling into the mother's lap every 5 minutes while she Googles her old ex-boyfriends. We've literally spent 90% of our days walking for hours around outdoors (he no longer takes naps), but the weather is getting cooler and the forecasts predict snow next week. I am also exhausted from toting this kid outside for 8 hours just so we're not under his mother's feet. She says, "Oh I don't mind if you're here, and don't mind me," but again, that's easier said than done, especially for her.

Recently the mother asked me if we could pare down my week to 4 days since they're "hemorrhaging money," which I begrudgingly agreed to do because I love the kid too much to just leave when the going gets tough, but I'm not happy about a decrease in my paycheck. This is doubly annoying now that the mother keeps turning down job offers because they don't pay enough or she thinks she can find something better.

I know I can leave this job, and I'm considering it, but I'm looking for more of a compromise. I'm a pretty damn hireable nanny and she knows I get job offers on the playground, so I feel like I have a bit more power in this dynamic than most people have with their bosses. Though I can't ask her to magically get another acceptable gig, can I gently request that she leave the house for a bit every day so her son and I aren't exiled to the bookstore for four hours? The cashiers are starting to think we're homeless. My feet are sore, the kid is sick of his stroller, we've run out of places to see, and soon the weather won't be very nice. Can I say something yet?

Thanks in advance for any advice!

How to ask for gifts tactfully.

picklebird — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 04:53:53 -0800

EtiquetteFilter: Baby shower without the shower? Please help me find a tactful way to ask for gifts to be sent now even though actual shower/party won't take place until after the baby is born. We're having a baby! Yay! Here's the issue. I grew up in California and all of my family and old family friends still live there. We currently live over 3000 miles away and a 6 hour plane flight away. Due to bad timing, work obligations, and then being too late to do air travel, I am not going to make it back there for a baby shower before our baby is born in January. We plan on visiting with the baby in the early spring. A close family friend, my mom, and my sisters (and I) are planning to have a get-together/open house/party then for everyone to meet the baby and for us to see everyone.

The same family friend is nicely trying to dream up a way to see that gifts could be sent to us now (across the country) before the baby is born in order to help us out. She is calling it a "virtual shower" and would like to send an email letting people know about the baby on the way and where we're registered, etc.-- a kind of send gifts now, party will be later. My sisters feel uncomfortable with this and worry that it just looks like a greedy and tactless way to get people to send gifts without the "shower" part of it (in part because the email is not an actual invitation to an event quite yet). I'll be the first to admit that the gifts now would be an enormous help for us, save us a lot of money, and would be far more convenient than people bringing gifts in the spring to an actual party (after we've already had to purchase most essentials). But ultimately the hostesses are the ones who have to send out this invitation and have to feel comfortable with this.

I am surely not the first one to be in this predicament- to live far from family and friends. Anyone have any suggestions for how to tactfully phrase an email like this? Or suggestions for how to manage this situation- to have gifts sent now for a party that has yet to be scheduled in the spring? Or is this just tacky? (I am willing to consider this possibility-- I am a terrible judge of these things as evident by the fact that I don't see a big problem here.) Another option would be just having them spread the word informally about where we're registered and hope for the best.

How to become a non-drinker?

Anonymous — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 16:46:35 -0800

I just started a long-term medication (bupropion, for ADD) that interacts very, very badly with alcohol. I don't miss the booze itself, but not being able to drink throws all sorts of monkey wrenches into my social life. I need advice on how to be a non-drinker in the drinkingest town in the United States, New York City... where the default activity for any occaision is going out for a drink.

What do I tell people? I've tried being vague ("I'm taking some medication... it's a long story.") but people always ask what I'm taking. You might say that's rude, but telling every new friend or date that they're rude isn't a viable option. How can I handle the question while hopefully communicating these points:
- I'm not judging you for drinking. I wish I could drink, too!
- It's not because I have a terrible secret. It's not because I'm "crazy". It's not because I'm uptight.
- I don't want to get into too many details.

What are some non-alcoholic drinks that won't draw undue attention to themselves?

I often hear things like, "I must seem so drunk to you!" or, "You must think we're all so drunk and sloppy!" How can I put people at ease?

Bonus question: I'm on the fence about attending Burning Man for the first time this year. If you've been, how much would being stone-cold sober affect my experience?

Grin and Bear it?

Strumpf Marionette — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 17:01:20 -0800

How do I deal with a customer contact who seems to be trying to undercut me? I'm managing a large project for a customer. The person who is my main contact there strikes me as incompetent. He's new to the company and doesn't seem to have a clue. I'll call him "Bob".

Bob likes to cut me down in emails. He also likes to cut me down in meetings that I'm not involved in. I'll send an email to Bob only, informing him of minor problems that have popped up. Bob will reply, adding five of his co-workers to the recipient list, and insert a few sly digs at me.

I have a difficult time responding to these messages. My first inclination is to defend myself or argue specific points (Bob likes to make assertions that seem to be pulled straight out of his ass, rather than from an authoritative source). Generally, I'll write a response email, then save it without sending. I usually call Bob, instead, to discuss the issues in a professional manner. The problem with this is - no one else on the recipient list hears my reply, and I also have no written record of my reply, in case I need it in the future.

How should I deal with someone like this? The constant digs are eating at me, and I feel like Bob's trying to set me up as a scapegoat if anything goes wrong, and it probably will with Bob at the helm of his operation. I want to remain professional, but I also don't want to allow Bob to roll over me.

How to petition boyfriend about bedding?

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 13:26:39 -0800

I could use some help figuring out how to phrase a request that my boyfriend give his bedding a spin in the laundry. We're pretty newly minted, and I understand the need for tact here, but I am blanking on the best way to say this. I'm not a crazy hygiene freak. While I'm definitely neater than he is (he has expressed concern about the disorganized state of his room as it affects me), I am not bothered by the clutter in his room on the floor, the desk, and other available surfaces. It doesn't even approach as bad as I've seen from older brothers and former roommates.

But, the last time I slept over the bedding was a bit rank, beyond what may have been partly due to activities recently conducted in and around it. I think there's a basic expectation of not being overwhelmed with unwashed blanket/sheet smell while trying to fall asleep, and I don't think I'm out of line in wanting to make that request. I just don't know how to say it exactly, and I'd like some help. I'm concerned here because -- given that we haven't been together long -- this would be the first time I would be asking him to alter any kind of behavior of his, completely under my own motives. And, obviously, this is kind of a touchy subject. I'm not overburdened with social graces to begin with -- my usual communication lists heavily towards forthright, frequently tinged with wry facetiousness.

I like him a lot, and want to make it clear that I don't think he's a gross and disgusting individual for this. Lighthearted, not-a-big-deal is I think the way to go, but I'm just... drawing a blank, possibly due to overthinking. Help me get the beans off this plate.

How do I make a formal complaint without being an ass?

sunshinesky — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 21:05:26 -0800

Food poisoning: How do I deal with the merchant? I ordered some thai/viet food for delivery tonight, from a restaurant I've never been to (I just moved to this city).

As soon as I opened my fresh rice wraps (w/ peanut sauce) I was struck by the 'off' small. I ate a wrap anyway, with the sauce, and quickly lost my previously roaring appetite. It didn't taste bad, but my stomach just stopped wanting more.

I picked at the other food items I got, and within an hour of eating, I ran to the bathroom for a small... explosion. It was nothing horrendous, or painful, but it was quite obvious that I had expelled my dinner, given the.. erm... 'contents'.

Now, I gave that peanut sauce another whiff, and damn, I really think it was the culprit.

Is this the sort of thing I should approach the restaurant about? I'm not really sure what I want done, but I was pretty upset with wasting 30$ in food ordered in for only myself. Naturally, as confident as I am that the peanut sauce is to blame, I am not too keen on 'testing' the other foods, given that I'm not sure. I ended up ordering a pizza to fill the void (yay, another 20$!).

If I do talk to the manager/whatever what do I say? How do I avoid coming off as one of those customers that is always looking to get something for free? I too work in food service, so naturally I would like to approach this tactfully and politely, while still expressing my dissatisfaction properly.

MeFi, help!

I just (don't) want to be friends.

Anonymous — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 17:57:49 -0800

Is there ever a tactful way to let someone know you don't want to be friends? What to do in an instance of hurt feelings. To be specific: I'm a college student, and I met another student at an online dating site. We went out for a casual lunch, and I paid for his since he claimed to have forgotten his college ID with which we buy meals. He made a jokey comment that now I would have to meet him a second time.

We made friendly conversation but I don't feel we connected at all and I was actually turned off by some of the things he said. He made many comments about wanting to hang out with my friends, and how they would get along so well, and were way better than his terrible roommates, and could my roommate help him with their shared major, and so on.

He contacted me the next day and I told him I wasn't feeling a connection. He replied and over the course of several messages told me I had misunderstood (though he treated this as a date beforehand) and he just wanted to be friends, and could he come hang out with my friends and roommates, and did I want to come over and watch a movie, and we had to meet up again at least once so he could buy me lunch.

I don't think his intentions are bad, (I think he is just lonely or very socially unaware) but at this point I'm feeling both put-upon and used. I told him my life is very busy, and not to worry about buying me lunch, but that I might see him around the school sometime. He responded very coldly that he would take the hint (with some other choice words.)

Should I say something else to him? Should I just leave it as it is?

To be more general, it would be helpful for me to know what to do in future similar situations. (If a an acquaintance is using you, or a failed romantic interest wants to just be friends, or any situation where one would prefer not to be friends at all.) I don't want to lead someone on and would prefer to be straightforward. What's your policy, especially if they won't let it drop?

Getting the money I was promised

Anonymous — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 19:00:31 -0800

How do I go about getting a raise my boss promised me before he was fired? I am filling a supervisory position in the interim while a search for a permanent replacement is found.

When I accepted the position, I was told by my new boss that there would be a significant raise for the duration of the position. Foolish me, I got nothing in writing or email to confirm that. My new boss explained that it may take awhile to process, but that it would be retroactive to the date I started the supervisory position.

Today, my new boss got fired unexpectedly. I have explained the promise of a raise to my bosses boss, but he claims he wasn't aware of any pay raise for me in this interim position. HR received no paperwork about my raise from my former boss.

This supervisory position is more responsibility. It's only fair that it be paid as such, even if it turns out to be temporary. What tactics can I use to demonstrate to the bosses boss that I am worth the raise that I was promised while staying in his good graces so that I am still considered for the position permanently?

Hey, I take offense to that!

sixcolors — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 09:20:21 -0800

Which communication styles can I use to avoid offending people unintentionally? For someone who rarely namecalls, brags, yell, or use a lot of sarcasm...I somehow offend a lot of people. The two most common complaints is that I'm too "curt" and make insensitive comments. I really take issue about being too curt. I don't understand what's bad about giving short and straightforward answers to questions. I really dislike giving long answers, and I like to keep my communication simple, but I want to find a way to do so that will be more welcomed by others.

As for the insensitivity issue, I don't know where to start. I think there's some things getting in my way of communicating more sensitively.
1. Not having the experience of interacting with many different types of people, when I was younger. I find it hard to adjust to different norms and values, or worse, sometimes I'm not even aware of them. An example, a few years ago, I really offended someone (person A) by telling another person (B) that they should apply to person A's college because it's less selective. According to person A, I was implying that her college was somehow inferior. I understand how it could be taken that way, but I what meant was person A's college had reasonable admission standards and affordable tuition. Where I come from, "less selective" means opportunity, not inferiority. Person A was raised around a lot of high-achievers and valued competition, me not so much. The first time I started interacting with those type of people on a regular basis was grad school, which is quite recent. But, that's just one example, I get into similar confrontations, with different types of people.

2. I'm not very emotional, and I almost never get offended. I was offended by something I read on another discussion board day before yesterday, that was the first time I've been offened in three or four months. With most people it seems like a daily thing. It's really difficult to understand what's offensive and what's not, when I'm really hard to offend, myself.

Should we invite the class?

LoriFLA — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 13:28:13 -0800

Birthday party etiquette question: Would it be in bad taste to invite my son's preschool classmates to his fifth birthday party? So far my child has been invited to two birthday parties this year. We didn't go to either. My child was sick and sleeping for the first party that was held earlier this year. I called the parent the morning of the party, apologized, and explained the situation. I'm glad we didn't go because the next day he had a rash. It was fifth disease. When I called, the mother said, "Oh I never knew you were coming in the first place." I left a message on her machine a week earlier stating that we would be there. She told me a couple days later that her husband had heard it and erased it on accident.

For the second party that was held a month or so ago, I completely forgot. I RSVPd, marked it on my calendar and I still forgot. I called and apologized that day and sent the present on the next school day.

Now it is time for my kid's birthday. I was going to just have a family party, but I kind of want to throw him a kid party. It is his fifth birthday and he has never had a party with kids, only family.

Would it be tacky to invite the class even though we missed these parties? There have been no other parties. The only two that we were invited to, we weren't there. The class is small, ten students including my child, and I want to invite everybody. Thanks for your input and advice.

Translating normal thoughts into office speak

salvia — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 01:05:36 -0800

I could use some help translating normal thoughts into office-speak and playing it cool at the office during professional negotiations and meetings. I work with many people who have a lot of personal finesse and tact. Some have backgrounds in politics, negotiations, or media, while others are just older or wiser. I really admire some people's style. They express their opinions without being harsh or offensive, and they seem to remain calmly above the fray (or even amused by it).

I feel a bit clumsy at all this and would like to get better. To that end, what are the best tricks you've picked up for negotiations and office speak? Or can you suggest books I can read on this? Or some internal mantras to keep me on track?

Here are some examples of the type of translation I mean (I'm replacing details with silly examples) --

Someone else: Here is my idea.
~~Internal thought: What?? What about A, B, and C?~~
Actual statement: Hmm, interesting. Let's think about how that idea relates to the alphabet.

Someone else: You want to go the gym today?
~~Internal: The gym, blech, let's go to the movies!~~
External: The gym might be fun. But before we decide, I just think we should think for a minute about our priorities for the afternoon.

I have the hang of those particular examples. But there are so many other verbal strategies my co-workers use that I can't reproduce here because I haven't reverse-engineered the pattern yet. And every day I run into situations where I'm not quite sure how to say what I mean in office speak. Other people seem to express strong opinions without ever saying anything offensive or controversial. They handle delicate discussions that affect their organization's financial bottom line and reputation, in situations where their own interests are in conflict with the interests of their usual allies. How do they pull this off? What skills have you picked up to express yourself and get what you want in polite business settings?

What to charge for a 3 minute throwaway web edit?

Karmakaze — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 12:12:58 -0800

What do I charge for a 3 minute throwaway web edit, and how do I carefully extricate myself from any expectations that may have caused? A few days ago a friend of mine called me, saying one of his clients is completely web illiterate and needed some kind of web design help. I told him I couldn't do much advanced work, but promised to contact the client to see what he needed.

A couple of emails later, I determined that all they needed was a name of an ex-employee taken off the contact and about pages. They just had no idea how to go about that. I said I'd take a look (I didn't know exactly what their setup was at that point.)

When I did a quick ftp, I saw the site was just six static asp pages and it took all of three minutes to make the change. I got a note back from the contact saying "Thank you very much for taking care of this matter so quickly. Please e-mail us an invoice so that we may pay you for your services. In the future we plan on doing more changes in this website & another site my boss has. Would you be interested in handling these changes for us?"

I am absolutely not interested in having to mess with an inherited web design (I'm such an amateur that I still do most of my web design in notepad!). While I wouldn't mind the occasional text tweak like the one I just did, I suspect that the requests would rapidly exceed my skill level and it's probably best not to get any more involved.

So...
- How much should I invoice for?
- What does an invoice like that look like anyway?
- Do I have him mail me a check or something?
- What's the best way of saying "You need to hire (and pay for) a real designer for what you have in mind."?

I don't want to walk you up to the casket!

Anonymous — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 18:32:00 -0800

How do I tactfully avoid having to accompany people to the casket at a family member's funeral? I am not comfortable at open-casket funerals, mainly because of the way my family handles them. I may soon be attending the funeral of an immediate family member. In my family, as each guest arrives, they are shortly expected to walk up to the casket with an immediate family member. In turn, immediate family members are expected to accompany each guest to the casket.

I don't like to get closer than the front row of seats in the funeral home when the casket is open, which it almost always is. A lot of people in my family insist on standing directly in front of the casket, talking about the person, sometimes even draping their fingers over the side! And then there are always those "oh, (s)he looks so good! (S)he looks like (s)he's just sleeping!" comments. Those make me even more squeamish. I also hate walking past the casket as the funeral ends, where you're supposed to look at the body and pay your final respects, but because I don't see any tactful way to sneak out before going through that little line, I usually just suffer through it.

So how do I tactfully say "no, I won't be walking you to the casket to pay your respects?" (Yes, there are other family members who can do so, but I might be asked as well.) And how do you reply when they make those tactless comments about the body looking good?

Conduct at for a ceremony at a church I left?

Anonymous — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 16:54:33 -0800

How do I conduct myself at an important family function in a church I left on a sour note? A few years ago, I had a falling-out with my family when I admitted to them that I was atheist. Since then, I have moved out and graduated college, and over time we have become close again, but mostly avoid talking about church and God for obvious reasons.

My brother is about to be confirmed and I am invited to the ceremony and party. The day will be filled with Jesus this, Moses that, Abraham hit me with a whiffle ball bat. I haven't stepped foot inside my old church since the falling-out. Being relatively new to this whole godless thing, I'm not sure how I should conduct myself before people (old church acquaintances, the pastor, and others) I have been told I have "lied to", "hurt" and "wronged". I do not want to talk about Jesus or God, as I do not want to patronize people I have every reason to respect. Because of the way I left the church, everyone would see right through that hypocrisy anyways. I worry that I'm going to appear to be bad luck at the ceremony, considering I left it only a short time after my own confirmation, which might imply certain things about myself or my family to the church.

How should I congratulate my brother? Should I say "congratulations on your achievements" and leave it at that? How can I answer the prying questions about my choices and life that I am sure I will get (my church is packed with nosy types with no tact), without taking the focus off the fact that the day is about my brother and not me? I don't want to lie, but I don't want to be snarky.

Need help convincing my landlord to accept a shortened notice to vacate my apartment.

sjvilla79 — Mon, 21 Nov 2005 22:40:18 -0800

Need help convincing my landlord to accept a shortened notice to vacate my apartment. I forgot to give 28 days notice for plans to vacate my rented apartment and now I need to convince my landlord to accept a shortened notice of two weeks instead. I'm putting this to him in an email that will be sent and interpreted to him via the property's agent and would like to know what tact I should employ with my approach.

History: I've been renting this apartment for almost two years now. Never had any major problems and have been a good tenant. I still feel, though, that this email is really make or break for me. I mean it may end up costing me over $500 if it doesn't work out. Worried!

Anyway, with my email, how do I come across firm, fair and ultimately conscious of the fact that this puts my landlord in an unsatisfactory business position? Yes, I think it's fair to say that I should forget about counting on human emotion to favour my cause (e.g. sympathy and so on). Um, what options do I have left?

Agreeing to Disagree

Snyder — Mon, 12 Jan 2004 17:17:46 -0800

I work with people who have certain views that I find reprehensible, (not just disagree with, but find inimical,) but are otherwise decent people. How do I deal with them when they voice these views? I want to remain true to my principles, but not be combative. [More Inside] I don't think the content of these views is necessarily relevant, but if someone needs to me to elaborate before giving advice, I can do that through email. I want to express my dissent from their views, while not alienating them or making my job unbearable. So far I've been keeping my mouth generally shut, and trying to blend in. It often leads to my feeling disgusted with myself and my coworkers, but I can't afford to quit my job yet, and as I stated, they are otherwise pretty decent people. Any advice on how to deal with this situation would be appreciated.