Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with support

How do you save a marriage after an affair?

wantstobeadesigner — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 19:27:19 -0800

My world is destroyed after an affair. I desperately need advice. Its a long story... Please help. This is such a long story... I will try to keep it as short as possible.

My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years. We just got married 3 months ago. About 4 years into our relationship I had something blindside me. A married man came on to me. Before I knew it, I was involved in an affair with not only this married man but another younger, single man as well. This went on for less than a year before I broke both of them off completely. Neither of the relationships were meaningful beyond a lust level.

I tried to carry on with my life like nothing happened and never told my bf. We got engaged 6 months later. He still had no idea. My guilt never really went away. I went on antidepressants. My personally was changing. It was killing me and us.

Then, six months after the engagement the truth started to come out in the form of rumors. Many of which were true but I continued to deny it. I told my fiance half truths thinking I was protecting him. I told him that I was having feeling with the younger guy but I never admitted anything sexual happened... I also completely denied that I had anything to do with the married man fearing that his family/young kids would be destroyed. In hind site I cant believe I ever committed such horrible acts. I had convinced myself it never happened.

I went on living a lie for a the entire next year. Several times I was asked if there was more to the story and I was always to scared to fess up. I went on with lie after lie. His fears were very founded and never subsided. I went through with the wedding, we bought a house. Three months later I cracked.

He was begging for the truth and I started to give it to him. He was so upset he left, made plans to move out and he wants this relationship to end. Here is my problem. I am so desperate to try and make this work, but I still am too scared to admit the whole truth. I know he will go to the married mans wife and I am so afraid that I have done enough damage and dont want anyone else to feel this hurt. I am really guilty and so so ashamed. I cant stand the idea of how this additional information will hurt my husband. I know I am in the wrong but still want to save my relationship. What should I do???

Brand me

b33j — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:37:49 -0800

What is that I'm doing? Tag my business. I’ve been working freelance for a couple of years while I finished my degree doing a variety of tasks for academics (4 or 5) who work in the field of Education. Some of the things I’ve done have been to create logos for various groups, diagrams and illustrations for lesson plans and books, some photography,animations, presentations, formatting of material for publishing, transcription, managing an international journal and formatting it, creating databases and entering all the data, as well as analysing it (lightly – I’m no expert in statistics) and producing all graphs and reports.

Now that I’ve finished my degree, I want to increase my clientele. I think I can make a go of this because I turned over around $30K at about 14 hours a week. I have a domain which is my own name and the word design. I hope to launch my website (with a blog -thanks metafilter for earlier advice) in January. I’m working on a design for my business card. My current clients will probably forward my details onto their mailing groups if I ask them – I just need one last thing. What do I do and what’s a good tag line? I would have thought “academic support” except that that phrase tends to mean helping students to survive university. I tested the tagline “the whole package” on one of my current clients, and she was aghast, but couldn’t exactly say why.

So, to summarise my business card, for example...

b33jdesign
~~Academic Support~~ (?)
~~The whole package~~ (?)
w: www.b33jdesign.com
e: jr@b33jdesign.com
p: xxx xxxx xxx

Related

How can I help my girlfriend who's coming out of depression, without going out of my mind? (sorry, long)

Anonymous — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 07:27:33 -0800

How can I help my girlfriend who's coming out of depression, without going out of my mind? My significant other is dealing with pretty serious depression, and is, by her account, slowly getting better.
We've been seeing each other for several years, starting as we both were finishing college. She moved home afterward to deal with other medical problems (exacerbated by the depression) and she is currently looking for jobs (kind of. See below).
We've been doing the long distance thing for about two years now, seeing each other for usually a week at a time, every month or month and a half. We've lived together overseas for a few months, about a year and a half ago. Currently, she's working part time at a retail job as part of her getting-better program to feel-like-a-real-person. (Overwork was a major factor in the depression)

Now, she's "looking for jobs", except, after several months, she hasn't really started. She gets panic attacks, anxiety, etc, and shuts down for a few days or a week.
She's seeing a few different doctors (psychologist/physiologist), but is very careful with medication after being put in the hospital with bad combos that exacerbated life-long nasty migraines.
----------------------------------------------------------------

I'm getting really frustrated.
She's told me that one of the things that frustrates/stresses her is that she feels that if she doesn't have "progress" to report, then she's failed me, and she's failed us. (on top of her own frustration with "failing" herself.)
Conversely, if I avoid asking how the job-hunt is going, she's pointed out that she's not stupid, knows it's foremost on my mind, and feels guilty for dancing around the subject... aaaand pressured for not achieving tangible progress.

I can't lie and say that being together is not important to me-- after two years of long-distance (the last year of which has been filled with "I'm ready to get my job and move to your city"), I want to be with her... and she's said, pretty constantly, that she wants to be with me. I want to reach a compromise, 'cause it's pretty painful to hear about bad days/setbacks... but be unable to do anything other than say "I'm sorry to hear that" over the phone.

She is unwilling to move here without having her Real job (the one she studied for, busted her ass at university to graduate top at one of the best schools in the country, the one that two years ago had companies lined up at her door... and the schooling for which drove her to work too hard, depression, etc).

On the one hand, I'm trying very hard to be supportive- to listen when she has a bad day, and not ask questions/point out the long-term ramifications for us about another day/week/month of no progress. I really do rejoice in the little things-- when she's had a good day at her retail-job, or worked in the garden, etc.

I love that we both keep coming back to "I want to be with you, I wish you could be here" and that doesn't die when we're around each other (even when we lived together before, or I was in her city for several months, etc).

On the other hand, all I have are words. I trust her-- implicitly, but at the same time, it's hard to ignore the logic of "Well, if you want to so much... just do it."

I don't understand what she means when she says "I wanted to do X today, but felt wimpy." or, "I wanted to do X today, but I couldn't get started."
... to my mind, it's a relatively simple issue-- if you want to do something (simple things, like write an email to a prospective job, check your voicemail, etc), you ... just do it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I realize that some of these issues are facets of depression. But it pretty well sucks to be a part of her life part-time.
How do I stay supportive-- and does anyone have any suggestions?

I mean, we've thought of her moving here. (That's what we both want. It's far and away the best city for both of us job-wise. She spent 4 years here at school. I just got an awesome job a few months ago after a year of looking. Her concerns: she must be self sufficient, and if she moved down here to do a part-time job, like she's doing now up there, she wouldn't actually ever pursue her Real Job... (she insists that moving to a new city requires adaptation, etc ... my argument that when I moved to hers, it wasn't a problem, and I'd never been there before. To my mind, "my" city isn't a new one for her. She's just been absent for two years.) To her, it's a "All I have to do is start looking for the job"... but she's scared stiff... and scared translates into stalled.

I move up there-- which she's told me would make things far worse (her living at home would become far more awkward, she'd feel, in her words, "responsible for forcing you away from my great new job, your school (I'm getting a second degree) and place that you live, and making you come live where all you have is me... which would put even more pressure on me and raise the stakes where I'm already failing to begin with!" (For the record, I love living in random new places. But can't argue with the logic that says quitting my new job and school is a bad idea. ... though it'd be, in my mind, absolutely worth it.)

We've thought of somewhere random. "We could move to Nome, Alaska..." ... both of us hated the idea. So there's a start.

I know that relationships are about compromise; I've tried to point out that I am willing, and very eager to compromise, but our latest read on the situation is that there's no middle-ground-- her coming soon would be against what she feels she needs for her-self/sanity, and my just sitting here waiting for her to wake up one morning and get something done... is asinine, and one of the few things I _really_ find difficult to keep doing-- watching her try the same thing of "Maybe it'll be better tomorrow" for months at a time goes against every fiber of my being. If it's not working try something different..
I know I can't help everything. I know I can't fix everything, and that a lot of this is stuff she needs to do for herself... but at the same time, I want to be an active, supportive part of her life... and not just... on hold.
Followup/further questions to throwaway11001001@gmail.com

Help me rebuild my office helpdesk/workflow setup.

de1mar — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 11:09:29 -0800

TechFilter: I'm part of a medium-sized IT support company and we're looking at some new helpdesk/workflow management software. What advice can you give on your setup or software you are currently working with? I am currently looking at Heat from FrontRange Solutions, but it looks like it will take some time to setup. Here's some features that I am looking foward to:

• Workflow Management
• Call Logging/Tracking (most likely part of Workflow Management)
• Workflow Reporting
• Asset Management (to include hardware, software, Blackberries...etc)
• Knowledge Base

Any ideas will be greatly appreciated!!!

How do I shepherd my trees through adolescence?

morganw — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 08:49:34 -0800

How should I support and trim my two trees so they'll grow up to be big and strong? They're past the sapling stage (in other words picture C) and when one broke its single support stick (about 6 feet high), I trimmed it and staked both. Now the untrimmed one caught enough wind to pull up a stake and break it's support stick.

The pictures include closeups of leaves & berries as I don't know what kind of trees these are. I'm in San Jose, California and I bought the house a year ago, soon after the trees were planted.

I've trimmed both down to 4 foot diameter cylinders so they'll live until I can get better support installed, but what's the tradeoff between trimming and support? Should I keep the support light and foliage trimmed to "encourage" the trees to thicken their trunks or do I need beefy support? The other trees on my street are also mostly young [Google StreetView] so the wind can be pretty strong.

Lastly, where do arborists get strips of tire?, which some prefer over wire through garden hose for spreading load & preventing bark chafing? The increasingly misnamed Orchard Supply Hardware (now owned by Sears) had sticks and stakes, but no ties of any kind.

being a supportive friends vs. patience

jalebi — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 08:46:39 -0800

How can I support my good friend (and roommate) through a breakup, and not lose my patience? My friend and roommate broke up, or is going through an "it's complicated" with her boyfriend. They had a short (3 months) but intense relationship, with an emotional connection. Things have been difficult in the last 10 days or so, with them returning from an out of town trip together, which culminated in him telling her he's got some issues to work on, and thinks it's over, but there hasn't been an official "it's over over. She is hurt, rightfully upset and angry.

She is unemployed (but has some savings, and is applying to phd programs), and I work from home. So we're both home a lot, and I'm getting tired of the crying, knocking on my door, a couple of times at night after I was asleep, and listening to crying and replaying things for hours a day.

I want to be a supportive friend. I really do. I've brought her drinks to rehydrate after crying, offered to get food, taken long walks with her, heard everything about ten times, and am now spending hours with her just being melancholy. I am happy to sacrifice time to listen and support her, but upwards of 4-5 hours a day is hard.

I know she needs to grieve, in her own way. I know she needs to be heard and supported, but I am feeling emotionally drained. Over the course of the past 10 days, it hasn't gotten better.

What can I do to support her, but not lose my patience? Is there anything I can tell her to both help her grieve this relationship, and move forward? Is there any polite way of saying "I love you, I support you, I'm sorry you're in pain, but I'm kind of getting tired of you knocking on my door just so we can stare sadly into space for several hours?

worst day at work ever or what?

nerdcore — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 00:33:12 -0800

My coworker came to work and shot himself today. I was the only person to talk to him and was one of the first people to reach him after he did it. I'm planning on speaking with the grief counselors they're bringing in tomorrow. But I'm wondering if there are any resources I should know about for people in a situation like mine, specifically: witnesses of the suicide of a coworker or friend. In case the details are relevant: they are below. My coworker, J called in from the front door (which is locked) needing to be let in. I went to open the door for him and he was visibly drunk. I asked him if he was okay, he said no and as he headed for his cubicle, I grabbed our HR person to let them know that J had just come in and didn't look good, seemed drunk. About 5 seconds later our IT guy started yelling "oh my god" and I ran over to the cubicle.

J was bleeding from his head and ear, I didn't know what it was at first, but I could smell the burning hair. Someone else called 911; I asked if we needed to check his pulse but there was a lot of blood and I was scared to touch him.

I wasn't so close with J that we hung out outside of work, but we were on the same web/technology team so I talked with him almost every day. His mom had died a few months ago and he took it pretty hard. Some of my other coworkers were closer with him, and had been reaching out to help him. I guess it was too late for that.

I keep seeing him in my head, and I can't get the memory of the smell out of my head either. If I try not to think about it, I start worrying that ignoring it is bad too, and I guess I'm just trying to figure out what is "normal" for a situation like this. I think what I'm looking for is, perhaps, some information about how others have dealt with similar experiences.

Suggestiong for Toddler Wrangling Book?

taff — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 15:59:13 -0800

Desperate friend has turned to me for book suggestions on her three year old. Ideally available in Australia, but Amazon is always possible. What are your killer books for nailing the second really difficult time in a parent's life.... the 2-3year old? For some context... what she just wrote to me:

"You read so much, what is your recommendation for a field book on a) understanding the psychology of a 3 year old b) dealing with it and c) on Mummy management - talk about pushing boundaries - I didn't realise I had so much pent up anger - it kind of scares me. Need help.
Ta muchly,"

She's a loving and patient mum, and her ratbag 3 year old is actually a lovely kid.... with completely normal 3 year old behaviours. ToddlerTaff is turning 3 in a few weeks so I'm excited to hear any suggestions too.

We both have younger kids and protecting them from their older siblings is hard. And doing the one on one thing is also a challenge.

Looking forward to some good handling manuals for our toddlercrats. Thanks possums.

Somehow, I don't think a Post-It note on the fridge will do...

gursky — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 15:17:58 -0800

What can I do to thank my parents for their unbelievable support? My parents are awesome. They're both very kind, generous, helpful, loving people. Growing up, my two older brothers and I had a good home environment, and even now that we're adults (I am 22 and my brothers are 28 and 24) my parents are still as helpful and supportive as ever.

Over the past year, I had a really tough time dealing with some mental health issues. I was in and out of the hospital and seriously considered dropping out of university (even though I was in the final year of a 5 year program). In short, the past year has been hellish. Fortunately for me, my parents insisted on helping out however they could. They made it possible for me to see my psychiatrist weekly, frequently offered to do any errands I might need to do, and listened to my endless venting about, well, everything.

Since graduating in June, I have had to move in with them while I get my health in order. Though I am often not at their house (typically I am in other cities visiting friends), they have made it clear that there is no time limit on how long I can stay with them. As well, because I am not working and I am trying to stretch money as far as possible, they have been more than generous with groceries and other necessities. They never complain and offer to lend me money constantly because they would rather I concentrate on getting better than on getting a job before I'm ready. I am very conscious of this, and make sure not to take advantage of them.

I have finally found a doctor that I trust and like, and I think I might finally be on the road to a healthier, happier me. Though it's taking some time, I feel like things are moving in the right direction for the first time in years. In June, I felt as though my life had been derailed; now, I feel as though I am getting back to my old self and I am starting to feel a little better. There is still a lot to do, but at least I'm on track.

So, my question (finally) is this: how do I show gratitude to my parents? Without their support, I could not have taken time off work to find a doctor and get my shit together. If I had started working right after graduation, I don't know that I would be of sound mind today. How do I show them how much their support meant to me?

Note: though I would love to make a grand gesture (i.e. send them on a trip or give them tickets to an event) I am not in a financial position that will allow for it.

Any ideas on gestures or ways I could show my gratitude?

How do I get actual customer support from Twitter?

jdroth — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 10:22:35 -0800

I run a moderately popular blog. I'd like to have the Twitter account associated with the URL, but it's suspended -- presumably because somebody used it for evil. I've contacted Twitter support several times, and they make motions like it's possible for me to claim this account but then they just close my ticket (marking it as "solved") with no explanation. I cannot figure out how to get actual support. Has anyone experienced a similar issue? How can I get Twitter support to actually support me and not mark an unsolved issue as "solved"? Am I simply at the mercy of the Twitter fates? Yes, I know Twitter is a free product and that I get what I pay for. Thanks.

Please help me reply to my mom's email concerning Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)

Anonymous — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 16:50:35 -0800

My mom sent me an email today acknowledging for the very first time (that I am aware of) that she experiences symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder. I would like to write the best response that I can to her, with some links or information about possible next steps. I don't want to screw this up, please help me help her! I have spent my adult life aware of her serious emotional and cognitive problems. My younger years with my parents were awful – I was rebellious and angry and unable to accept the serious dysfunction in our family. For the last 10 years I have been in therapy intermittently (taking breaks due to geographical and financial difficulties), where I have successfully learned to be accepting yet necessarily distant from both of my parents. There is no question whatsoever between all of my therapists and me that my mother suffers from severe Aspergers symptoms (almost every single criteria in the DSM IV fits her), as well as some emotional difficulties. My dad has some emotional problems as well, but they don't seem to be as severe as my mother's. They have a happy marriage, but its been lived blissfully in denial. My brother and I have suffered immensely. I have recovered, my brother hasn't. We are not close.

Fortunately for me, I learned to be very independent from a young age. I also do not display any pragmatic or negatively-impacting symptoms of ASD. I do however experience intense passions and focus, am able to see patterns in things that others don't tend to pick up on, and show an aptitude for understanding complex systems like language, puzzles, mechanics, etc. Basically, I seem to have some of the socially desirable features of ASD, with none of the social impairments.

I say all this, because in an email exchange today with my mom about language and ASD (I study pragmatics and sent her a link to an NPR talk in reply to a question she asked), she responded with the following, "Do you think you may be Autistic? I am wondering about me and my sensitivity to sound and light. Mom."

I would love to reply to this email in the best, most encouraging way possible. Maybe include a link to a place near her to get a professional test to determine if she has ASD, and where to go from there. Maybe a support group number, or a reason why it might be beneficial to understand more about the possibility of a professional diagnosis.

I am trying not to get my hopes up about this opportunity to help her. My mother has lived a lifetime of pain and confusion, not understanding why she miscommunicates with those around her (she often unknowingly offends others to the point where they scream, yell, or otherwise distance themselves from her). My dad literally shelters her from the world, sacrificing the needs of others or dismissing them in order to keep my mom calm, all the while praising her for being quirky. He means well, and wants the best for her, but this approach has prevented her from being able to stand on her own, seek answers and grow.

I am not close with any members of my family, and have been independently successful and healthy for some time. Through the advice of my previous therapists, I have limited my contact with family members to brief phone conversations and emails. This has done wonders for my relationships with them, and I don't wish to disrupt the balance. However, I see this email as an opportunity to take some important growth steps to self-realization...for all of us. I want to do it right.

MeFites: Please provide me with some advice, links, or ways to approach this subject that might resonate best with her and help her. How would you handle this situation? What would you write back?

FYI, I am female, early 30's, not currently in therapy due to financial constraints, but definitely reconsidering going back now to get some help understanding and processing these new developments. I'll be happy to provide more info as necessary. Throwaway email address: helpmehelpmom@gmail.com

My ex-wife's boyfriend wants to try to claim my son on his taxes... is this legal?

MMALR — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 13:15:57 -0800

My ex-wife's boyfriend wants to try to claim my son on his taxes... is this legal? Here's the situation, and I've read over the IRS site, but I'm a bit confused.

I have joint custody of my two year old son. We have agreed to alternate years in which we can claim our son on our taxes, so I claimed him in 2008 while she will do so in 2009.

As far as residency, she's the custodial parent and I'm the non-custodial parent, but I have him 50% of the time exactly. Equal time for both of us. I pay the same expenses, 50% of the child care, and 50% of his medical insurance on her plan.

Is it legal for him to actually claim my son during her alternate year in order to receive a bigger payoff because he makes less money?

From the reading at the IRS site, she would have to be married to him in order for my son to pass the Relationship Test.

Since it's a tech support question about Google, you can just post it anywhere and they'll find it, right?

ph00dz — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 05:55:54 -0800

I deleted 267,000 messages from my gmail account and now, when I log in, I see a Temporary Error (500) / Numeric Code 93 message. Emails sent to me are bouncing. It's been five days. Now... there's some irony here, given that I'm a php / javascript developer on another Web Based Email product. I've broken (and fixed!) so many things... so, it's hard not to see this as a little karmic retribution.

Fair enough. Users, I feel your pain! Still, I'd like to get this up and running again ASAP.

.... I think what happened is that a monitor at one of my old jobs went crazy and just started emailing a ton. I mean, it's tough for me to tell, since I can't get back into my account.

I logged into check my email the other day and was like, "I'm close to quota? WTF?"

So, I just deleted all 267,000 messages that got dropped into that folder / label. At that point, it pretty much locked up, gave me the ajax "Error..." top popin, and hung.

At first, gmail would display the message index. Now, it just hangs after the redirect from auth and hits that 500 error state. The numeric codes are usually 93 or 67.

I've reported this several times through their "Oops!" form and posted a thread to the google discussion forum, but I haven't heard anything back.

My gmail is not a paid apps account -- although right now, I'm wishing it was. I'd gladly pay $50 / year for real support, since I'm totally at a loss as to who to contact for help here.

Any suggestions / tips / insights into the gmail support process would be appreciated...

Where'd my network card go!?

Squid Voltaire — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 17:33:13 -0800

My computer can't find its NIC, any ideas? I used to connect to the internet via CAT-5, as God intended, but for a year or so I've been using a PCI wireless card. Reception in the current location is terribly, though, so tonight I took a couple hundred feet of Ethernet cable and plugged myself directly into the router.

I plugged the other end into a ethernet port, and the little green light came on. However, once I disconnected from the wireless network, that was it, no further connection.

The Device Manager only lists one NIC--the wireless one. I turned on "View Hidden Devices", but it still didn't list it.

I went into BIOS and turned on "Integrated LAN RAM"--I have no idea what that means, but it did not make my network card suddenly appear. At this point, I ran out of ideas. Any further suggestions?

Motherboard is Biostar NF61S/V Micro AM2, and I'm 80% certain that I used to have a wired connection to this machine--is there some sneaky way that I disabled and then hid my card?

Help me help new college students

brainmouse — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 11:48:50 -0800

How do I offer support for people attending/wanting to attend college, but who have very different situations from anything I knew? 2 different scenarios! I am in two very different situations where I want to give support to people attending or who will attend college. I grew up in an environment where everyone I knew went to college, including all of my family and almost everyone from my high school. I didn't have to deal with any "issues" surrounding it -- I had an excellent support system of people who'd been there. Now I want to be able to offer that support in two ways:

1) A good friend of mine is starting college (across the country from me, and far away from anywhere he's lived before) in about a month at age 25. As far as I know, I'm the only person he speaks to often that has been to college -- none of his family, very few people from where he grew up, etc. He's also going to a very different type of school than I did. What sort of help/support is the most useful from me? I want to be helpful but not obnoxious (no "well when I was in college...").

2) I'm starting involvement in a mentoring program for kids from a underprivileged community near me that might be going to college. Basically, the school district spends all its resources on getting the low-end kids to not drop out, pass the exit exam, etc., and one of the schoolboard members decided he wanted to do something to support the high-end kids. He started getting them donations/scholarships to attend summer programs at some east coast schools, and now he's getting alums from those schools to mentor them. Some of these kids are going to be seniors and are actually doing the college application thing, some are younger and are just thinking about it. Like I said above, these kids have grown up in a very different environment from me, and I just have no idea what to do to help them in this process. Any advice?

Thank you!

I have two friends; their parents are (separately) dying. How to help? Neither are in U.S./U.K./CAN.

taz — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 05:04:37 -0800

I would like to help my friends, if I can; two of them are individually dealing with incredibly stressful and sad health-related situations related to their parents. Friend one: I know her very well (via internet). Her father is dying, and it's end-stage, but it may take months and months. It's a terrible situation, because he's at home (as per his wish), and when he can speak, only says he wants to die. They have medical care, there's not a problem of money, but in terms of emotional pain and stress for her and her mother, it's dire. Their extended family live on another continent, and my friend's closest friends have all moved far away recently, so it's really just her and her mom dealing with this, essentially in isolation in terms of emotional support (and her mom is an expat, and I understand how this can be even more isolating and limiting). How can I help her? Are there any books that were valuable to you if you were any sort of similar situation? Is there an online forum that is high-quality, smart, helpful, warm, for people in this position? I doubt that there are support groups where she is, or much of that sort of help at all. (If you want to know what country, email or memail me, but I'm pretty sure it's not promising.)

My friend is a very smart, strong woman, career-successful in a highly sexist culture, so has an amazing amount of daily stress with her job, and must remain always calm, cool, always in control... which makes me worry about her even more, since now she has to also practice the same stoicism at home, day in and day out, and night after night. I know she can barely sleep, and there's no possibility of getting away from it. She can take time from the job, but she can't go away, and that would just leave her at home 24/7 with that special suffering.

Any advice about how to help very gratefully accepted.

Friend 2: I don't know so well, an internet acquaintance from a BB, and he might well be scamming, but I really don't think so. (2.5 years at that site* and always generous and giving as a poster; never talking about his personal/private stuff at all; never talking about money or any personal trouble at all. An on-topic friendly, helpful guy.)

His mother needs a transplant; he has most of the money, but lacks about $5,000 U.S. He appealed to the BB we both frequent, but of course the discussion was shut down. I told him to check out Modest Needs, after checking that they had "outside of U.S." and also "urgent health care" categories. But he told me that they do not extend their services to his country (India). Is there anything similar that he might look into? It just kills me that $5,000 might save his mom's life, though, yes, I realize that this is repeated a million times all over the world.

Don't worry about me, I don't have money to give away, but if there is any other sort of organization that vetts requests and makes it easy to donate (paypal), or any other options to check out, I'd like to tell him about it.

*: This BB is not metafilter or metachat; the person is not a metaverse person

What do you charge to not do any work, but instead sit around and wait, just in case?

CommonSense — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 13:19:44 -0800

I have no idea what to charge to be "on call" for a year, just in CASE a computer has a problem. I got a call this morning from some guy that works with a company that has a government contract with -- I'm guessing -- the Social Security Administration here in Baltimore. His company does IT for them. Well, they have a couple of Macs that they want someone on call for, and surprise surprise, his company wouldn't know how to spell "Mac" if you spotted them three letters.

I do ONLY Mac support and consulting, on kind of a "boutique" business -- I'm a sole proprietor, and I consider it a strength that small businesses always are dealing with me, the same person, and know they'll get me whenever they call, e-mail, or have me come out to their location. So I guess this guy found my company website on Google and called.

Basically, he wants to know what I'd charge to basically be on call, 24x7x365x4 (I don't know what the x4 is, but I'm assuming four business hour response time), for a one-year contract to cover these two Mac Pro machines their client has. Mind you, they don't need me to come out on a scheduled basis or anything like that; they just want to have someone to call for onsite support/repair in case something goes wrong.

I can do tech support, server work (on OS X Server), networking, and LIGHT hardware (e.g., memory upgrades, hard drive swaps, cloning/imaging). I don't do more hardcore hardware stuff, like logic board replacement, etc., much less do it AT the client site -- but I don't think many companies who DO do that kind of service can do it at the client site, either. (There's just a shitload of tools, workbench, etc. you have to have.)

Now, these are pretty new, high-end machines, and the odds of them having serious hardware problems inside of a year are pretty damn low. Still, say something comes up. Would I be OK by explaining to them that it's a high-level repair that HAS to be sent out, and then coordinating everything (pickup, drop-off at a repair facility, being sole point of contact with said repair facility, picking it up when it's done, and delivering it back to the client site)? All the while, I could give them a loaner machine (not necessarily as high spec, but functional) in the meantime.

I've never been asked for something like this, and I don't really know how these government deals work. Also, I'm really not sure HOW the hell to charge to a company that wants me on "retainer," though doesn't actually need me to even show up unless something goes wrong. Yet, the guy who asked me was looking for a quote, something along the lines of a monthly fee or whatever, even (apparently) if I go months without so much as a phone call or e-mail with these people.

But say something big happens and I have to coordinate repair, etc. Do I have to eat the cost, in light of the fact that I'm charging them a retainer? In other words, are we looking at more of an "insurance policy" model rather than a "service contract" model (wherein the latter actually entails regular onsite visits, etc. -- you know, something that's actually DONE, regularly)?

It kinda sounds too good to be true, but hey, it's the government. Working logically isn't their strong suit.

For anyone who's done this before, I'd love to hear whatever input you can offer. Better yet, some suggestions on what a good ballpark range is, too. These are two high-end Mac Pro machines, probably no more than a year old, pretty nicely souped up. FYI, I normally charge businesses $135 an hour for onsite support.

RIM + Jobs

anti social order — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 08:11:03 -0800

Resources for a Blackberry administrator that now has to support iphones? I'm running a windows shop (AD, Exchange, Sharepoint) and I have a BES server and ~50 blackberry devices. Now I have to support iphones for some of the executives (5 and growing).

Other than an ipod (with the horrid itunes), I have no experience with any apple products. The exchange webmail access seems to work well, except when it doesn't. The error messages and troubleshooting resources I've found so far are not impressive and google seems to be of limited help, returning nothing but pages of marketing/blogs. The one error I've had dealt with webaccess to email and account security/password issues.

What are my options here? Is there an apple-flavored support site (ala technet or TAC) that I haven't found yet? Do I need to bite the bullet and buy one?

Any and all help appreciated.

Don't judge me, but....

thebazilist — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 19:11:51 -0800

I am the "judgmental friend." What does this mean? Should I change, and if so, how? My best friend just told me that she has been having completely unprotected sex with this guy "whose last name she doesn't know." She prefaced the confession with: "Promise you won't judge me." She then went on to ask "Ugh, am I bad?? Should I change my life??"

How am I supposed to go about "not judging" my friend in such an instance? Sometimes I feel like "not judging" and its close friend "being supportive" are euphemisms for "saying what they want to hear." Is it judgmental to tactfully bring up the morning-after pill? Not that I would ever say so in so many words, but I do in fact think she should "change her life," or at least this aspect of it.

I'm not talking about unsolicited advice. If I think something is a bad idea, but I haven't been asked my opinion, I keep quiet.

So do I lie? Part of me thinks (knows?) that she is just looking for comforting platitudes ("Sure, it'll be totally fine if he pulled out!") or to just gloss over the "confession" ("Omg was the sex amazing or what?!?"). It makes me really uncomfortable to do this and I don't feel like I should have to -- am I being arrogant? I've known this friend for 15 years, so I'd think by now that she knows what she's getting when she asks my opinion. I just feel like the "don't judge me" disclaimer means that there's something they're missing emotionally from the type of responses I usually give. What do people mean/want when they say this?

Re: being the "judgmental friend:" I'm not mean, I don't name call, and I never say "I told you so" (usually unnecessary anyway, since the person usually remembers full well what you told them). It's never been hurled at me as an insult, and usually it seems like people treat it as one of those things that make me imperfect but still lovable (am I delusional?). But it's a running joke among us -- a friend will do something "bad" (ie, something I'd advise against or disapprove of), and will tell the other friends but say "Don't tell thebazilist!" Then a short time later, they'll "confess" to me, usually when they're ready to hear what they already know I'm going to say. We'll laugh together about it, I'll reiterate my opinion, and they'll be like "Hahaha, I know, I totally shouldn't have made that fake Facebook account to stalk his fiancée!"

Help me help her help him

jacquilynne — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 10:23:46 -0800

What's the best way for a non-computer oriented person to tap into the blogosphere support network for help with her ADHD child? During my aquafit class this morning, my instructor and I were talking about computer things and blogs, and though she's a little afraid of computers, she seemed interested in the idea of being able to blog about her life with her ADHD and behaviourally challenged son, and get support from other parents with similarly challenging children.

I'd like to help her do that, and while I can handle the technical end of things (getting her set up with her own blog on Blogger or WordPress) easily enough, I don't know where to point her to get other ADHD Moms reading her blog and offering support, or which blogs she might want to read.

I could google, obviously, and find some ADHD resources, but I'm really looking for personal recommendations of blogs or blog networks or social networking sites that have helped you if you're the parent of an ADHD child.

Hepatitis C diagnosis, how to help?

Anonymous — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 05:50:02 -0800

A friend has been diagnosed with Hepatitis C. How can I help? My friend N. had an STD screen and blood panel done, and the results came back positive for Hepatitis C. I'm not sure which test it was - the antibody test, I think; she's got to schedule another one, I assume to figure out whether the virus is active or not.

N. is, as mentioned, female. Late twenties. American. Social drinker, nonsmoker, not a drug user. She did have surgery done (gallbladder removal) about three years ago, and there were blood tests done before that, but I'm not sure what they tested for. Finding the results there are on the to-do list. N. also has two tattoos; the most recent one was seven or eight years ago.

Her doctor told her the test result over the phone (which - I thought they had to tell you in person?) and then gave her the name of a.. gastroenterologist, I think, to take over from here for all the other tests and things. The MD who did the test isn't particularly helpful; no explanations or even a pamphlet, just gave her the result and a name of someone else to see. N. doesn't feel comfortable talking to that doctor about anything, even for advice, so that's not a way to learn more.

N. is pretty freaked out at this point, and I am trying not to be. N. doesn't have much support around either; she's got me and one elderly relative in this state, and the rest of her family is a 16-hour drive away.

I want to be helpful, but I don't know how. I've hit up Google, Wikipedia, WebMD, etc, and while facts are useful, I don't have a living-with-it knowledge of this disease, as I've never (until now) known anyone who has it.

So - those of you who have this, or know someone who has it - please deluge me with advice. What sort of things should be looked into, or looked out for, or made note of? What's the stuff you wish everyone knew about Hepatitis C? Pointers for explaining this sort of thing to previous sexual partners? Are there support groups or other methods of help available? N. is home-help for the aforementioned elderly relative, who isn't in the best health; is that something to worry about?

And for me, what are the things that friends/support-type people ought to do for people who have this?

(I realize that Metafilter is not her doctor -- N. will be consulting one ASAP. I'm just hoping the hivemind can help me get a handle on this. And I apologize for how scattered this question is - I don't have anyone to ask about this. She's asked me to keep quiet about it for now, although she's okay with me posting here as long as I do it anonymously.)

I've made a throwaway email address, too: anon.hepc@gmail.com

Thanks, Metafilter.

I found the perfect job... but it's in Amsterdam

Anonymous — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 19:37:09 -0800

I found a job posting from a Mac software developer for a support/QA guru that pretty much sums up exactly what I want in a job right now. However, circumstances are not right for this particular position. How can I still do this as a job? For context, here's an abridged version of the job posting, from SOFA's job openings page:

Sofa is looking for a full-time support and QA professional to join its team. Excellent written and conversational English is required. Fluency in Dutch, French, German or another big language is a plus, as is having prior experience as a customer liaison – either in support, sales, or another customer-facing role.

You will be working 40 hours a week from our Amsterdam office (relocation to Amsterdam area required) [...] There will be plenty of room for you to learn, grow and have a good time. Your tasks will vary from answering support emails, monitoring and responding to questions on our forums, and filing, reproducing and triaging bug reports, to testing new releases, authoring end-user documentation for our products and working closely with the rest of our team to prioritize bugs and feature requests.

We employ people who show initiative and have strong opinions. You are encouraged and expected to push the envelope for support, documentation and software quality.

If you care deeply about how people experience using their computers, and have a soft spot for well-made Mac software, please email [...]

After randomly stumbling upon this page the other day, I've started to realize that it's pretty much the perfect job for where I am in life right now. I am extremely passionate about Macs and indie Mac software, and I'm a novice Cocoa developer myself. I love writing, and I love helping and teaching people, and I have had at least six years of tech support experience, with the past two being almost entirely Mac support. (The truth is that I've gotten really sick of Windows/PC support and I'm trying to escape it at all costs.) The real catch is the whole moving to Amsterdam thing. Not that I don't think moving to Amsterdam would be cool, it's just not really a viable option for my family right now. Bummer.

So even though that's a letdown, I began to wonder if services like that would be valuable to indie Mac and iPhone developers as a freelance sort of thing. With the tons of new Mac and iPhone users come the potential for a lot more support requests. Though support requests may not warrant a full-time employee for many developers, I can imagine many of them being willing to pay someone to offload those requests.

Am I off base? Do freelance positions like this already exist? I haven't found anything significant on Google if they do. If they don't already exist, is this really a viable goal to pursue? How do I get my name out there as freelance Mac software support guru and technical writer extraordinaire? What skills should I enhance to make myself marketable?

Really, any feedback at all regarding this idea will do. Words of affirmation, words of warning... Even if you'd like to crush my dreams and tell me this will never work. I'd especially like to see some comments from indie developers. I know there are several of you out there on MeFi. Keep in mind, I'm not making this my ultimate career goal, but it is a big stepping stone to becoming an indie Mac/iPhone developer myself. Also, I'm not quitting my day job tomorrow or anything.

Ticket please

nam3d — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 12:06:23 -0800

Could someone reccomend me a lightweight/easy to use web/email based support ticket management tool? Preferebly open source.

I found out that I might be a father when I got served papers for child support... now what?

Anonymous — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 08:11:55 -0800

I found out that I might be a father when I got served papers for child support... now what? So here is my current situation. I have been divorced for 2 years. Ex-wife move to the east coast and I am currently living in Colorado as an underpaid doctoral grad student. I got served paternity action papers a week ago informing me that my wife had a child 7 months after we filled the papers for divorce. While I am angry that she lied to both me and the courts that she wasn't pregnant at the time(divorce papers state that she isn't expecting a child ect), I realize that now is not the time to get overly emotional about the fact that I was never even given the chance to see my child.

I know I need to first figure out if it really is my child (we got divorced due to my wifes infidelity), so I am going for a genetic test. But after that I really don't know what steps to take. Financially the baby is taken care of. My ex-wife's mother (who is extremely wealthy) is thrilled to have a grandson to take spend money on. Thrilled enough to call me and say that if I try to get any rights to see the child she will make it her personal hobby and the job of her lawyers to make my life miserable until I stop showing up and give up all my rights.

As for me being a part of my child's life... I really want to be there but I don't have the money to fly out there/move out there and my ex-wife's mother made it crystal clear that she wants to force me to be just a paycheck for her child and her grandchild.

I know your not my lawyer but I don't have enough money to get one nor am I poor enough (I am below the poverty line, just not below it enough) to qualify for free legal aid. So here are my questions:

1) What do you think I can do to make sure I have the right to see my child smile on her birthdays and watch her grow up? Legally I have no clue how I will be treated by the courts (I assume that nothing will be in my favor) nor do I have any idea how to effectively stop my ex-wife's mother from harassing me in the future.

2) One of my main fear is that my child support payments will be calculate based on what I am capable of making, not how much my grad school stipend is. Does this happen often? (I think ex-wife's mother will push for something like this).

3) What will fuck me over in the future? Ie what do you think I should be aware about, or something someone wish they would tell you before going through a process like this?

My throw away email address is ytrewq7890@gmail.com. Thanks in advance.

Child Support across the 49th?

Bueller — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 21:07:35 -0800

How does one go about getting a child support order if one (me, the mother) is in the U.S./a U.S. citizen and the other (him, father) is in Canada and is a Canadian Citizen? The child (who at this time is unborn) will have (I believe) dual citizenship. We were never married, in fact, this guy left me about 3 weeks after I told him I was pg, and under a month before our wedding date. He seems agreeable to paying support, but that is about it. I'd rather not have to pay a bunch of legal fees and take him to court and all that. Can we just do a contract between ourselves? Is this enforceable if he decides to back out? And how much should he pay? Is there a percentage based on income?

Thanks for any and all info, I really don't know where to start.