Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with support

Scumbag brain.

youandiandaflame — Sun, 12 May 2013 16:10:45 -0800

My son's father suffered a ruptured aneurysm last week. He's not getting better and I want to be as supportive as possible to him and his family. How do I do that like a normal person? I posted a question related to this last week. The "friend" in question happened to be my son's father.

Here's the story: Early last Saturday morning, he (who I'll call J) suffered a ruptured aneurysm. He was in the ICU one day, step down 2 days, and then he was discharged. I am not at all a part of his ongoing medical treatment though his mother has kept me informed. He was released Tuesday. He was back at the ER Thursday because his blood pressure is still incredibly high and then again Friday because he has not eaten or slept in 7 days. Both times he was sent home. 90% of the docs he's seen say this was an aneurysm, the other 10% say it was a stroke. No one can figure out how to manage his pain or lower his BP. This concerns me greatly, as I noted in my last question, but the crux of this question is slightly different...

I'm wondering how to support him best, as the mother of his child and his friend, while he recovers. He has no serious brain damage to note but he is absolutely miserable and this is a guy that has been working 70 hours a week for years so it's taking a toll.

J lives a little over an hour from us. We were at the hospital everyday that he was there but now that he's home (technically, he's at his mother's since his stroke / fall risk is so high) I'm wondering if there's anything I can do to support him from afar. Any ideas?

I'm also wondering if there's anything I can do for his family. My son has a wonderful relationship with them all and I'm quite fond of them too, especially after seeing how gracefully they handled all this as a family. His mother is exhausted and frustrated but she's not the type to loudly yell at a doc or ask for help when she could use it. Is there any special way to help her as she cares for J? I've fed them the last two times I've seen them but is there more I can do?

Also, what are the appropriate things to say here? J and I are very comfortable with each other and he knows me well but emotions and like, loving, appropriate care are not my strong suits. I find myself anxious constantly because I want to help so badly, I just don't know what to do. I've read all the medical papers and journals about this injury, I've consulted my friends in the medical field, and I feel I get that side of it but there's not a lot to read from those who've suffered through this and give thoughts on what they would have wanted from their care givers and family during that time.

Also, anyone have any stellar coping mechanisms for myself? J is a super manly man and to see him sick is sort of throwing my psyche for a loop. He never got sick...until he almost died. How do I cope with whatever it is I'm feeling about this, in terms of being our son's mother?

For now, we'll be visiting every weekend until things are better but as it is, J's just spending his days writhing in pain from a brain that's revolting. I know I can't fix that but if the ever-knowledgeable MeFites on the green have any advice on ways to support those who are pretty goddamn illl (or more specifically, have been through an aneurysm), I'd be very grateful :).

My girlfriend was raped - how to help from another country?

Anonymous — Sun, 05 May 2013 08:26:12 -0800

My girlfriend was raped by a former coworker and friend. How would you recommend I offer support? About 2 months ago, my long-distance girlfriend was invited back to the house of a former coworker and close friend, only to be raped. The rape crisis centre she called were not too interested according to her, since the rapist was known to her. She is adamant that she cannot tell her parents, as they would use their influence to have the man killed.

The doctor she consulted after the assault gave her some kind of anti-depressants, which she stopped taking after about 2 weeks because she couldn't bear to be sleeping as much as she was. She is hunting for a job after completing a postgraduate degree abroad, and they are equating her excessive sleeping and lack of focus as simple laziness.

I visited her 2 weeks after the assault and found that the hardest thing for her to deal with was the inability to talk to people about what happened, especially her parents. I live in another country, which is a 5 hour flight away. I've tried as much as I can to support her through texts. She has limited access to wifi so cannot skype regularly, and I find this is the biggest barrier for me to actually supporting her.

What options would you recommend? Visiting her again before the end of the year is not possible, and, she is unable to visit me because of her job search. Beyond texting and skyping when possible, what can I do to help her?

Throwaway email: dly2mly2feuln18@jetable.org

Mods and support reps: techniques to remain calm and objective?

Opal — Sun, 28 Apr 2013 11:31:20 -0800

What are some stress-reduction techniques that support representatives and forum moderators use on-the-spot to remain cool and collected during difficult interactions with clients, and not let their own frustration get the best of them? I realize lots of companies allow their support reps to end the call (close the thread/mute the poster) if the person on the other end becomes abusive. I am interested in tools to protect oneself from emotional stress when clients are not quite abusive, but rude, difficult, frustrated, not listening, etc.

I am thinking about applied techniques to create a separation between the rep's/mod's emotions and the client's statements and actions, allowing the rep/mod to remain professional, not say the wrong thing, avoid having their judgement clouded by their own frustration, etc.

I heard about techniques like "ask yourself: is this about me?" that the employee can use on the spot to create emotional detachment if the client is getting to them, but I am having a hard time coming up with anything specific in Google.

How to help a grieving student?

Anonymous — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 12:09:57 -0800

I am a (new) professor at a small, rural university. One of my students has had to take an emergency leave due to a death in their family. Aside from assuring them that they need not think about their schoolwork at all, and that we'll work it out when they're ready, is there anything else I can do to support them? The department I am in is unusually tight knit. Students and faculty pride themselves on our community, but I have no idea what to do in this situation. I'd appreciate any suggestions, from getting a card, to having them over for a meal when they get back. The meal thing would not be unusual for our department, but might be just because I don't know this student that well and I wouldn't want them to feel pressured into something that made them uncomfortable. So, what would be the best way to handle this situation so that the student feels supported, but not overwhelmed?

I will be checking with senior faculty, too, but Metafilter seems to understand grieving in a powerful way, so any stories you can share or advice would be very much appreciated.

How to help a friend going through hell

wannabecounselor — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 12:07:00 -0800

Major breakup, deaths of close relatives, and pet illness and predicted pet death. How can I possibly help? In the span of four months, one of my best friends has been through too much - two close aunts passed away (one unexpectedly), she was semi-abandoned by her SO this winter and just officially broke it off with him after trying to mend things since then, her beloved pet had a health scare three weeks ago and just received a cancer diagnosis with 3-6 months left to live. Plus lots of other issues on the side. Meanwhile my life is going pretty smoothly, happy marriage, healthy pet, savings in the bank, maybe having a baby or something soon.

How can I help her through this? Is it really only just "being there" for her? She's the type that withdraws when bad things happen and I have a hard time knowing when it's ok to be with her vs. give her space she legitimately needs. Plus she's made it clear she's not leaving her pet's side except for work for as long as possible, so I don't think "getting her out of the house" is going to help at all. She's tried therapy and medication during a previous rough patch (not this rough) but wasn't that enthusiastic about it, and I'm not sure she wants to try again especially if it means time away from her pet. Has anyone been in her shoes and if so, what's really helped? I feel terrible for her.

CRMs for a small business?

amicamentis — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 07:46:45 -0800

What are some great CRMs for a small business/startup with the potential to grow? I'm the sole manager of customer support at a tech startup. We're getting to the point where we need a CRM to handle leads, sales, support, etc. Cost is not the most important factor here. Some definite perks (pie-in-the-sky style):

- able to import Gmail automatically and update a customer's record, via multiple email addresses.
- can work with Mailchimp
- can work with Zendesk, or has awesome support framework
- cloud-based and can be accessed via internet from anywhere
- great interface and is intuitive
- flexible and will allow us to add fields to a company (such as what plan they are on, etc)

Our team is small; one marketing guy, a sales guy, and me on support. We need a way to track clients through the process. Salesforce is way too much for us. I've taken a look at Insightly and Batchbook and Sugar CRM. Any recommendations? Anything we definite need?

My background is not in support so this is all new - any info is welcome!

What's a fair child support payment?

stlboi — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 10:42:47 -0800

She has landed a sweet paying job. But I'm still in college trying to graduate Just wondering what a fair child support payment should be?

We have both agreed to stay out of court. She hasn't really asked for a specific amount. We basically setup a joint bank account and she has asked me to contribute.

We live in Arizona. I make about 24k after deductions while going to ASU part time studying technology, a couple years until I graduate. She somehow landed an human relations position for a large corporation right out of high school with no higher education that pays around 46k-50k a year she has hinted.

She told me she doesn't need help financially, but would like me to contribute something.

Please help me discover a fair amount. Thank you!

Where can I buy a quality buckwheat pillow?

NikitaNikita — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 19:17:48 -0800

Where can I buy a quality buckwheat pillow in the DC area, or Maryland, or online? Or what do I need to look for to get a good one, and how much should I expect to pay? My aching neck is ready to try something new. My main issue is that my neck feels like it sort of "collapses" at night with most pillows -- the latex one i'm using now is pretty good and was affordable, but sometimes my head slips off of it (or it feels like that at least) and then I'm half off the pillow and my neck is wonky again.

Thanks for your tips and recommendations!

What happens when the family tree goes straight down?

powerbumpkin — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 12:28:23 -0800

Is there any discussion available of the social/behavior results of having multiple generations of only children in a family? Know of any sources? Have any personal experiences? Are there whole families made up of of "only children"?

Is there any discussion available of the social/behavior results of having multiple generations of only children in a family? I'm interested in only children both as a result of lagging birthrates in high income developed nations, and also as a result of government policies like in Asia.

I know there is a lot written about the social/behavioral/emotional consequences for the children (all the research on whether only children adhere to negative stereotypes etc.). And also there is a lot written about intergenerational financial burden, e.g. the famous 4-2-1 problem.

But what about the social/behavioral/emotional consequences for multiple generations and (lacking) extended families? As one's parents age, as life events happen, having a teeny tiny family must be very difficult. Know of any sources?

And in the absence of those, does anyone have any experiences to share? Thanks in advance.

Supporting my girlfriend through medical transition

divabat — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 18:33:40 -0800

My girlfriend is about to start a series of medical-related procedures as part of her gender transition (M2F). What can I, as a cis(ish) woman, do to be a good support to her? I had met my girlfriend long after she was already living as a woman, so the question of "I knew him as a man and now he-she-what the hell is a woman argh!!" doesn't even apply. She's about to start hormones and get an orchiectomy fairly soon. It's been a long time coming and she's pretty excited about it all.

My main concern has to do with the medical effects - I personally get horribly affected by my own hormones, and also saw my mother deal with hormonal issues, and I'm not sure how the hormones she'll be taking will affect her physically and moodwise. There's also the matter of care before and after the surgery - I'm not sure what to expect, and my girlfriend is currently learning more about it too.

How can I be of support in helpful ways through the medical stuff? Are there likely to be significant shifts in mood, energy, sex drive that I need to be aware of? Anything I can do practically that can be of us (especially since we live together)?

My girlfriend and I have been pretty good at communication, but this is a whole new frontier for either of us so it's been difficult to anticipate potential needs. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

What type of shoe inserts do I need?

reenum — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 10:14:34 -0800

The soles on my dress shoes are not cushioning my feet properly and causing me back pain. What type of shoe inserts do I need? I have a pair of Deer Stags that were very cushiony when I bought them approximately 7 months ago. Now the shoes cause my back to hurt if I walk in them for any extended period of time.

I bought the Deer Stags specifically because I heard they cushioned the foot well. I had been making do with Boston shoes and the Sofsole Airr inserts before that. I found I had to replace the Airrs every 3 months or so.

In doing research, Powersteps and Superfeet keep coming up. Are these better than Sofsoles? Is there another brand I should try? Do I need to see a doctor?

Any advice is much appreciated. Thanks!

I don't judge. No, really.

1066 — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 13:37:07 -0800

At work I frequently come into contact with people who are members of various at-risk populations. They often have to give me really intimate details of their lives within minutes of meeting. When first opening up to me, they'll usually pause to gauge my reaction. I respond with, "I don't judge," in my most supportive voice. But I realize this can be a loaded statement for people and easily taken the wrong way. What short declarative statement could I use in its place?

How to help a relative cope with past sexual assault?

Anonymous — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 07:00:38 -0800

My elderly mother in law recently confided in me that her now-deceased husband sexually assaulted her decades ago and it haunts her daily. This was my wife's beloved father and my father in law. I only know that it happened twice and out of the home, more than forty years ago, and it was "really bad". So the memory is specific. There are emotional symptoms through the family and I knew he had been physically abusive before my wife was born.

Mother-in-law said she wishes she could erase her memory so she could enjoy some peace and rest, but it never leaves her. She worries something is wrong with her, that she can't just forget it or get over it.

I could only think to tell her that she didn't deserve to be hurt then, or the shame now, it is normal to still feel angry and hurt, she doesn't need to suffer alone and there are many professionals who can help her deal with this, if she decides she wants that. And of course family and friends are here for her too.

My wife does not know this about her father, who died a few years ago and whom she is missing. It was told to me in confidence and I will not break that.

What are supportive and helpful things I can say to my mother in law about this, if she wants to talk about it again?

What resources are available to help her manage the memories and shame?

She is old and wants peace.

A study which shows that people unite against a common enemy?

dontjumplarry — Sun, 10 Mar 2013 16:54:19 -0800

Over on reddit, a commenter said that they once read a "social science study" which showed that people are more likely to rally in support of a cause when there's a common enemy to hate. It supposedly showed how when people were given the opportunity to unite and campaign for a positive cause, they showed little interest; but that the presence of a hostil opponent motivated the group to unite and rally against it. Can anyone think of a study along those lines?

Providing care for a disabled woman without getting sued please!

human ecologist — Thu, 28 Feb 2013 23:32:24 -0800

I have the opportunity to work a 4-month part-time (approx. 26h/week) contract providing in-home support for a woman who is in the early stages of Parkinson's disease, starting next Friday. I have provided intimate care like this for a family member before, but have no professional experience otherwise in this field. What should I keep in mind in terms of covering my ass with respect to liability in the contract? The prospective client received her diagnosis back in November and has experienced a steady deterioration since. She and her husband are seeking to eventually employ a full-time live-in care-aid as her care level increases. For now, all she needs is someone who can come to her home for a few hours a day to cook meals, assist her movement (in and out of bed/chairs, up/down the stairs), ensure she's comfortable and provide companionship.

My main concern is any possible liability I might face in the event that she experiences a health crisis while in my care (e.g. a sudden injury due to her tremors or a fall). I'm aware that in long-term residence facilities for people in her health condition there are specific policies for dealing with a client who has had a fall. Care-aids are specifically instructed NOT to try move or pick up a client who has fallen, for fear of liability over inadvertently aggravating the injury until a nurse can come and make a formal assessment.

I see in the contract (which I have not yet signed) that the employers reserve the right to file an alternate suit against the contractor (me) if gross negligence is alleged -- that seems pretty standard. However I would like to request, as an amendment to the contract in writing, an explicit procedure for any health emergencies that may arise (who to contact in what order, permission to move her to a safe location if necessary in the event of a fall). Would this be a reasonable and professional request? I don't want to find myself debating what constitutes 'negligence' in the event she has a health emergency, to which I would respond in accordance with my Occupational First Aid training. Is there anyone who has done work like this who can see anything I might be overlooking?

Supporting a partner in an ongoing, arguably abusive relationship

Anonymous — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 06:36:25 -0800

Looking for resources for supporting a partner (and my own mental health) in an ongoing, possibly abusive relationship with a family member. I have found myself in a relationship with a wonderful woman who is a great match for me in every way. However, she is in an ongoing relationship with an abusive family member, and I have not been doing a great job of dealing with it.

My partner (20s female; I'm a male in my early 30s) has a family member who has been abusive to her and members of her family for many years - physically, sexually, and emotionally. The physical abuse has stopped, but she has maintained a relationship with this person, and has often had negative emotional reactions to interacting with him. She is currently in therapy, and is recently "out" about the details of this abuse to her therapist and to her mom. However, she has generally not discussed these issues with other people, including the abusive family member. She maintains a relationship with this person, and sees him regularly, but does not discuss it openly.

Fortunately for me, I have no direct experience of abuse. I have dated several people who had experienced abuse previously, but never someone who was in a seemingly unresolved relationship with someone who had abused them. I have had a very difficult time adapting to the situation, and have caused more drama than I would have liked. Specifically, there have been a few challenges that I have struggled with:

- Maintaining the secrets of what happened, and acting cordially with and about this person;
- Ignoring or dealing with the abuser's isolating behaviors (e.g. saying strongly negative things about me behind my back);
- Maintaining secrecy while having some (small, but non-zero) concerns that this person may be abusing specific others;
- Dealing with feelings of anger in a productive way;
- Feeling helpless to stop behavior that seems very wrong to me;
- Reacting to stories from my partner about past AND present problems, without freaking out;
- Dealing with reactions from my partner that seem like defending the abuser, when I react emotionally to some piece of information;
- Dealing with resentful reactions from mom, who thinks I am making this issue all about me, and not supporting my partner;
- Being able to let go of the topic if it comes up, without stewing or going away from my partner.

I'd really appreciate any references to books or other resources that could help in dealing with these issues, specifically in the context of an ongoing relationship as I have described (vs. "survivors" of abuse). I am planning to join in on my partner's therapy session at the end of this week. I think a logical next step from this will be therapy sessions for me alone. However, I am from the school of LET'S RESOLVE THIS ALL RIGHT NOW OK and feel listless without clear next actions.

(posted with my partner's permission, although I asked her not to look at it for now so that I can ask for help without censoring myself)

How do I build a support system?

dinosaurprincess — Wed, 20 Feb 2013 08:03:39 -0800

Hey mefites, how did you build up your friendship group and support system? Hey mefi! Basically I got asked out recently and I sort of freaked out, and I realised I felt that way because I don't have a support system here in university!! I have friends and acquaintances that I might go out for coffee with, or people I can chat to about trivial things, but I don't have a go-to support system who I know that in the event I get my heart broken, will stick around to pick up the pieces... And I just realised how terrifying that was! I know how to talk to people and make friends, but I feel like the people who are in my support system I stumbled on during classes in school. I don't know how to build a solid support system in this weird unstructured university setting! Do you remember how you built yours? And how do I feel more emotionally safe in the meantime?

Changed ISP unable to send email with e-mail account of old ISP

conrad101 — Thu, 07 Feb 2013 19:35:04 -0800

I have a friend who has become totally reliant on an e-mail account, which was provided by an internet service provider which she has just left to go to a new ISP. She uses Outlook 2003 as her e-mail client program. Unfortunately, she is now finding that after moving to this new ISP that although she can receive e-mails absolutely fine, she cannot send e-mails. Her old ISP was talktalk.net and she has become dependent on the e-mail account provided by this ISP. However, after connecting her computer to her new ISP's intenet connection, which is BT internet; it has become apparent that her e-mail client: Outlook 2003, can receive but not send e-mails. The error message on attempting to send e-mails as shown by Outlook 2003 is:

"Send test email message: Outlook could not logon to the outgoing mail server (SMTP). The problem could be the server name, your server may require authentication, or your server may not support SSL. Verify authentication and SSL options under more settings."

I have tried changing the SMTP address in outlook 2003 with tools > email accounts > view or change e-mail accounts> change> from: smtp.talktalk.net to btinternet.com, without any change in outcome. Any suggestions as to what I should do next? Many thanks!

If support hit me in the face I wouldn't know what I was look at

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Dec 2012 09:55:40 -0800

How do normal, happy couples support each other in a non-dysfunctional, healthy relationship? Not surprisingly, longish snowflake details inside. My wife and I both came from households where our parents didn't support each other in meaningful or obvious ways. All of our parents were okay parents to us, but not the best spouses to each other. We're finding out that we're both acting out in ways that mirror our parents' relationships, to the detriment of our marriage.

Lately we've been getting into fights because I don't feel like I've been supported. I ask for support but in the most vague terms, and get angry when I don't get it. I've realized that I get angry probably because I have no idea what support looks like in a healthy relationship, nor do I even know what to ask for. Here a few examples:

- I've been dealing with depression for the past few years and all that my wife has done was given me a plant because she read that plants may help depressed people. When I slip into a depressive episode, she seems ambivalent and doesn't really know what to do.

- In the past, I trained for a few half-marathons. I would get up in the mornings and do my runs while she slept. I asked her to get ready for work while I ran so that we could be on time, but that was followed maybe 50% of the time. I don't feel like there were any special considerations given to my lifestyle. When I finally ran the race she wanted to run with me past the finish line but I let her know that I wanted to cross it myself since she didn't support me.

- I've taken up leadership positions in volunteer organizations, and whenever I have meetings it seems to be viewed as an annoyance, especially since we've had a child. She doesn't particularly seem proud of my achievements nor does she make space for me to continue volunteering.

We have an almost two year old and are finding out that while we're really good parents together, our marriage is slowing crumbling beneath us. We want to be good role-models and give our kid a good foundation for how to have healthy relationships. When we were childless it was easy to push aside problems but it's finally caught up to us. We both have some mental health issues that are definitely the root of these problems (me - depression, codependence; wife - abusive past, borderline/narcissistic personality) and we're seeking counseling, but we need a starting point until that stuff kicks in.

So, hive-mind, what support mean in your healthy relationship?

Cheaper remote support option?

lattiboy — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 10:31:47 -0800

Looking for a replacement to TeamViewer for our corporate remote assistant client. We currently have TeamViewer 4 QS shortcuts on every machine in the company (150 odd machines). We're running into issues with Windows 7 remote assistance and would like to upgrade, however, they're looking for $700 per seat upgrade fee for version 8. We'd need 4 remote licenses. That seems like a ton of cash to us and we'd like to evaluate options before committing to this.

Anybody have experience with lower-priced alternatives?

- We're about 50/50 Win7/XP. We have no intention of going to Win 8 at this point, so that isn't important.

- Having some kind of mobile support client would be awesome for IOS and Android, but not pivotal.

- Having a easy to download quick support file for remote users home machines is very important.

-Being able to deploy in the background would be great, so I don't have to drop a shortcut on 150 machines.

Thanks!

How to help a parent cope with the loss of a spouse?

entropicamericana — Fri, 23 Nov 2012 07:58:11 -0800

I lost my dear dad unexpectedly Sunday after a series of illnesses. My mom, luckily, is still with us. They were together 54 years and my mom was only 17 when they met. The most important thing to my dad was my mom's well-being and I feel it is now my duty to look after her to the best of my ability. I have no idea how to help her cope with the loss of my father. I want to be there for her as much as possible, but I don't want to smother her. Does anyone have any advice?

Screening question for IT-drudges

Iteki — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 07:11:32 -0800

Screening questions (and answers!) for low-level office IT admin staff. I am helping to place some people with varied low-level IT backgrounds in employment. The employer wants someone that can take care of the usual day-to-day problems in an office environment, like reinstalling the printer, why can't I get out on the net, some active-directory stuff (more on a buzzword level than actual deep administration I think) and so on.

I will be asking my preferred "are you actually a nerd" questions regarding describing their home setups, and their ideal fresh install of a new computer etc, but I would like a few questions where I can gague actual proficiancy. It's a given that I don't actually know whether the question has been extremely well answered or not, but pre meeting the client I just want to screen out the people who give me deer-in-the-headlight eyes when I say "router".
Valid attempts at answering the question, or reasoning out their process of troubleshooting will count strongly.

As well as a rough scetch of valid answers please specifiy if they relate to Windows or *nix environments (not much call for mac answers here, thanks tho).

I saw this question and quite liked it although I probably couldn't answer it myself in an interview, I could probably get it working in the end.
A Windows 7 computer cannot load any Web pages. You've verified that it's configured for DHCP and is plugged into a switch (that other machines are using successfully). The NIC and switch both show an active link LED. Concisely describe the troubleshooting process you would use.

Support/Help with divorce after 1 yr marriage (29 y.o.)

love2much — Wed, 14 Nov 2012 11:07:24 -0800

29 years old and divorcing after 1 year of marriage- looking for support/help with my decision. I will try to keep this as short as possible, but there is a lot to this situation. I am the wife and the one initiating the divorce after 12 short months of marriage. We dated for 6 years, and were engaged for 1.5 years, we are both 29 years old and have owned a home together for 4 years. Here's the kicker, I never wanted this divorce but have come to the point where I need it now for myself. Since I started dating my husband he would always "doubt" our relationship, saying things like, I'm not ready for this or I love you but I dont want the committment (I know this should have been my first red flag, but avoid comments like that because I know I was blinded by "love")- we would always walk away from each other, but of course he would call me crying saying how dumb he was, that he has "issues" and that I'm the perfect/best thing that has happened to him and we would try to work on it. Instances like that happened in the first couple years a few times and sort or died out, and then about 4 yrs ago I found him e-mailing a random girl on faceboook saying how she was beautiful and would take her to dinner (nothing physical ever happened, the girl actually emailed me everything because she felt bad and was not trying to communicate with him). I lost trust, and it took us 1-2 yrs to rebuild our relationship. I told myself (and him) that I would never be okay with him reaching out to someone else, even if he was just looking for "reassurance" or "attention".

Now fast forward to a couple months before the wedding, he started doubting our relationship again saying he wasn't happy I told him to figure it out and we both decided counseling was the best option. we sort of worked it out on our own, as my husband always complaint counseling was boring, so he never gave it any effort. Everything was fine for a while, then 1 month after and again 2 months ago he told me he didn't want the resonsibility of marriage anymore, he literally said he wants to get more tattoos, have a motorcycle, not worry about me, our dog or house, would be gone every weekend and feels like he married too soon and wants to experience what life has to offer.

I went to a friends and we left eachother for a couple weeks to get our minds right and figure out what was going on. THEN I find phone calls to a suspicious number, he lied for a whole day and eventually admitted he was calling someone "from his past" but to confide in about our marriage issues (BS). So, I came back home, kicked him out and started the divorce process. He told me he was going to see a therapist because he knows he has issues (he does), but I find out he went once and cancelled because it was "boring and expensive". He has since been emaling/texting how amazing I am, how much he misses me etc etc. I just want to assure I'm not giving up on a marriage too soon, if I was still just dating this man I wouldn't put up with it and I have realized our values and goals in life aren't the same- I can't waste anymore of my time on him. I get in moments where I remember the good, but then I remind myself of the bad. Doesn't a girl deserve someone who knows they want to be with them, and sees how amazing that person is, and respects them? I gave all of myself, my trust and everything to this man for 6+ years all in hopes he (we) would be what I pictured in my head- I have nothing more to give as he. He violated my trust AGAIN, and has put so much doubt in my mind that there is no coming back from it. I'm sad to lose someone I called my best friend, but I also feel a sense of freedom knowing that I can worry about myself. There's just a little voice telling me this can't be true and reminding me of how scary life is alone. I thought I would be happily married with children at 29, not I am starting over :(. I have drafted all the paperwork for the divorce and met with an attorney, we can submit and be finalized April 2013. Any advice/encouragement would be helpful. Thank you :)

How to help a fired friend

Laura Macbeth — Wed, 07 Nov 2012 17:38:49 -0800

How to help a close friend who was just fired? One of my closest friends, Brandon, was fired today. (He didn't do anything wrong, It was a wrongful termination by an unstable manager and failing company, but the legality isn't for this question.) I've known him and his wife, Kelly, since childhood and they're my chosen family. We're in our 30s.

They have a 4-year-old and a baby on the way in 3 months. Kelly brings in a small amount of money from a part-time job, but mostly stays home with the 4-year-old. They have a mortgage and some debt. They're relatively close to their families, but both families are the type who will guilt them about this and offer "help" with strings attached. Any help they've ever received has been strife with drama and guilt.

Brandon fortunately has marketable skills in high demand, but there's no telling when he will be employed again in this market. (We live in a major Midwestern city, but it's still tough out there.)

I'm doing well in my career and making more than enough money for myself. I have time, energy and resources to give to them.

My questions:

What can I do to help them? These are two sturdy Midwestern folks who won't ask for help. I will need to offer concrete help, take a read if this is the help they want (they will have trouble accepting) and then just act, so it's a delicate psychological balance.

Have you been fired suddenly and faced a terrifying loss of income and health insurance? What did your friends and family do to make you feel better? What did they do that made you feel worse?

How do I offer money to help them through the holidays and birth of their baby? This is no-strings attached money and not a loan. I've thought about offering to pay for any COBRA insurance they might be eligible for or their mortgage, but I don't know the best way to approach this.

I want to know what I can do now and down the line to make sure they're supported completely. I've been in frequent contact with both Brandon and Kelly today, just being an ear.

Thanks for any advice you have.

Move my new Wordpress site from subdirectory to root?

betsbillabong — Thu, 18 Oct 2012 17:55:10 -0800

Blog/website tech support needed! How can I move my newly designed Wordpress site from a subdirectory to the root, while somehow archiving the old indexhibit site which currently dwells on the root? I only have a couple of days in which to do this! More info: I'm an artist and composer with a website. My current website runs on Indexhibit (v.1, not v.2). Over the past year I've gotten frustrated with the lack of flexibility, blogging and technical support, and I spent the last six months designing and building a new website from the ground up in Wordpress, on the same domain. I've done this by installing Wordpress in its own subdirectory, "domainname.org/blog" and using a plugin that requires a password to see it.

I am almost, almost done! Which is exciting. But I realize I have no idea how to:

(a) somehow preserve/archive my indexhibit site, just for old times (is it possible to make it viewable only on my computer?), and
(b) even more importantly, move the new website from "domainname.org/blog" to "domainname.org"

I will be getting some press on Sunday night, and want to have the site up and running well by then. I realize that time is of the essence.

Any ideas? I had thought to move my hosting from Bluehost to A Small Orange, however their tech people seemed a little clueless. I'm wondering if anyone here, especially those who have used indexhibit or other smaller cms's, might be able to point me to tutorials. It's hard to find stuff about indexhibit - which is one of the reasons I'm switching!