Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with suicide

what do I do for a friend who has suicidal thoughts who is already in therapy?

Anonymous — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 14:24:54 -0800

what do I do for a friend who has suicidal thoughts who is already in therapy? A close friend of mine has battled depression for many years now. She has been in therapy for a year or so and has made some progress, but now and then we will go out for a few drinks and she will express suicidal thoughts.

Normally, if someone came to me with thoughts of suicide, I would tell them to seek therapy. What do you tell someone if they are already in therapy?

Life after suicide attempt

Abbril — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:39:10 -0800

My brother attempted suicide. Now he's in the hospital. My brother was pulled off a bridge a couple nights ago. He is being held against his will at the hospital (St.Paul's in Vancouver). The dr's have said that he will be there for 3 days to 3 weeks, depending. My question is what is going on at the hospital? I'm assuming they are trying to figure out if he'll try it again (he's tried before but never been hospitalized) but I really have no idea how the days are playing out for him right now. I know that he's giving them a hard time and had to be sedated at least once. Of course, I'm half way across the country hearing all this from my mom, so there are layers of family drama to weed through and I don't feel like I really know anything. Any insight into the world of hospitalization following suicide attempts? Thanks.

worst day at work ever or what?

nerdcore — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 00:33:12 -0800

My coworker came to work and shot himself today. I was the only person to talk to him and was one of the first people to reach him after he did it. I'm planning on speaking with the grief counselors they're bringing in tomorrow. But I'm wondering if there are any resources I should know about for people in a situation like mine, specifically: witnesses of the suicide of a coworker or friend. In case the details are relevant: they are below. My coworker, J called in from the front door (which is locked) needing to be let in. I went to open the door for him and he was visibly drunk. I asked him if he was okay, he said no and as he headed for his cubicle, I grabbed our HR person to let them know that J had just come in and didn't look good, seemed drunk. About 5 seconds later our IT guy started yelling "oh my god" and I ran over to the cubicle.

J was bleeding from his head and ear, I didn't know what it was at first, but I could smell the burning hair. Someone else called 911; I asked if we needed to check his pulse but there was a lot of blood and I was scared to touch him.

I wasn't so close with J that we hung out outside of work, but we were on the same web/technology team so I talked with him almost every day. His mom had died a few months ago and he took it pretty hard. Some of my other coworkers were closer with him, and had been reaching out to help him. I guess it was too late for that.

I keep seeing him in my head, and I can't get the memory of the smell out of my head either. If I try not to think about it, I start worrying that ignoring it is bad too, and I guess I'm just trying to figure out what is "normal" for a situation like this. I think what I'm looking for is, perhaps, some information about how others have dealt with similar experiences.

Long-term suicide watch or invasion of privacy?

Anonymous — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 20:12:06 -0800

My wife struggles with depression and, occasionally, suicidal ideation. But she doesn't communicate well (or nearly at all), so I have no real way of knowing when she's having a crisis rather than just another string of bad days / weeks. Is it ethical to monitor her internet activity without her knowledge so I have some idea of when I need to get serious about intervening? She has struggled with depression and other issues for years, and has mentioned suicidal thoughts on several occasions (though has never made an attempt). She's also a very closed person, generally unable or unwilling to communicate the majority of her thoughts and feelings to anybody including myself. I make constant efforts to draw her out, but it's particularly vital that I confront her when she's deep enough to be considering suicide; I owe it to her, I owe it to myself, and most significantly I owe it to our children to do everything within my power to keep her from falling over that precipice. But I have no way to know if and when these thoughts are coming to the fore again (which they do, inevitable, even if there's six months between them sometimes), and asking her every few days "so, thinking of killing yourself today?" is not really productive.

But one thing I do know is that she researches anything she ever does compulsively on the internet. If she was seriously contemplating suicide, she would look it up first.

So here's the question. Is it ethical to monitor her internet activity (e.g. check her browser history) without her knowledge with the sole purpose of checking for such research, so that I can be aware and take extraordinary steps to communicate with her or even involve professionals?

Please no suggestions about therapy, or meds, or improving communication in general, or other ways to deal with the depression problem between actual crises; I'm aware of the value of these, that's not the point of my question. She is not in therapy, so I am the only one who can really keep track of her state of mind. And asking her if I can monitor her activity would, in the absolute best case scenario, simply result in her using different resources to perform any such research.

Perspectives on the downward spiral, please

greenland — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 22:57:04 -0800

Need advice for books on how to deal with a family member's suicide. I have every reason to believe that I just saw a close relative in the flesh for the last time. I can't really talk to anyone about this, so I'm hoping to find a book or three (or a blog, anything written) about or from people who've had to go through the experience of having to watch someone slip away, despite their best efforts. I know I can read through Amazon or Goodreads reviews, but I trust the hivemind more. Any suggestions?

Therapy without doctors

Anonymous — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 09:28:36 -0800

I can't do therapy. There must be other people who can't do therapy. What do these people do, when they get together, to fix their problems? What DIY, collaborative options are on the table, and how do I find them? I've had a really bad month to year -- graduate school has gone from bad to worse, and I can't get out of it. Suffice it to say, I am very, very sad. I've spent a lot of the last year alone, and am now am estranged from a lot of my friends. I've tried relocating temporarily to a new city, but I find myself getting increasingly desperate and related ramifications of total isolation. I have one friend who I talk to, and I feel like there's a limited tolerance for this kind of thing (there would be if I were the friend -- and he's been incredibly patient -- but it's got to be exhausting to listen to).

When I'm really sad, I get really paranoid, and I just fail totally to be able to communicate. This is obviously a problem. I do have this friend -- but again, I feel like I lean on him a lot -- and it's all I can do, when I'm really upset, to even make that contact.

Obvious solution -- therapy! Right? Therapy fixes everything! Except that I really, really object to this, and can't imagine attempting to fix what's wrong with my life -- itself the product of a highly professionalized, goal-and-career-oriented trajectory -- by going in for an hour a day of treatment I can't afford, talking to a "qualified medical professional" for forty five minute, once a week. I don't think that these are a substitute for basic, warm, HUMAN contact (not professionalized contact), which is what I feel like I need right now --- leaving aside the entirely disingenuous "fee-for-service" structure of mental health care (and especially private psychiatric care) that is a given in engaging with the medical establishment in any capacity.

I know there are groups that do low-cost community therapy. The ones I've seen in New York (where I am) are all part of the state hospital system -- which again, I don't want to go anywhere near or touch. I've seen a few that look like they make sense to me, but they're mostly in San Francisco. The one thing that has worked for me is low-cost yoga and meditation type stuff -- I've been doing a little bit of this in Philadelphia (where I am right now) and it's been a tremendous (if transient) relief. If anyone has suggestions for places they know and trust, in this line (or in the group therapy line) in New York, I would really appreciate any guidance.

Thanks in advance for all your help...and I'm sorry, in advance, for so aggressively bashing CBT, which I know a lot of people use, and which probably works. All I mean to say is, it doesn't work for me, and I'd REALLY like advice on where else to go...

What are the ramifications when a real estate disclosure is misleading, and nasty surprises are revealed after sale?

Anonymous — Thu, 21 May 2009 07:08:09 -0800

What happens when you buy a house with an unfortunate history (suicide) that has been disclosed, but no one bothers to tell you that the victim's blood is hidden under the new carpeting? I have just purchased an older home in California, which had been on the market for many months. It was being sold by a local realtor for an out-of-state trustee. After I bid on the property, the seller's agent contacted my realtor with a disclosure: the previous owner had committed suicide in the house. Because of the resident's death, no other information was available, but I really liked the house, so after asking for and receiving additional information on the suicide—that it was with a gun, that the victim was elderly, that it happened in a back room that would not play a central role in my daily life—decided I was willing to live with the sad history. Inspectors came and said the house was sound, so I bought it.

Late last week the seller's agent happened to be at the house on the day that escrow closed, and introduced himself. He was friendly, and asked about my plans for the property. I told him I liked it pretty much as it was, but had pulled up some of the wall-to-wall carpeting and preferred the hardwood floors underneath, so planned to have them cleaned and buffed. He told me about another house he had sold for the same family that also had nice hardwood under carpeting, and after some small talk, he left.

Flash forward to Monday. My hardwood flooring contractors call me and say they have found something I need to see. They have pulled up the carpets and padding in the living room and each room off the hall, finding floors with some minor stains and scuffs that they think will clean up nicely, and have finally reached the central hall. They pulled up the hall carpet and the underlying pad, and this is when they call me.

Here they found a hideous scene: between the new carpet padding and the hardwood is a thick layer of dried, saturated blood and crunchy tissue which appears to be brains. The residue runs the entire length of the hallway, some 15 feet, with distinct lines at each of the five doorways. Despite the disclosure that the shooting happened in the back room, the blood evidence makes it clear that the suicide closed himself off in the smallest area of the house, the hallway, and shot himself there. The body was removed, the walls repainted, but the residue of the shooting was never cleaned up. Instead, someone had laid down new carpeting to give the impression of cleanliness.

I'm not a squeamish person by nature, but I was badly shaken by this discovery. Thankfully, the flooring crew said they knew how to handle the mess and could sand the stains away, and they did so that day. They also had to sand the rest of the floors, to match the diminished height of the hall floors, and the cost and length of my flooring job increased accordingly.

I am wondering now what I should do and what I can expect from the seller's realtor and the seller. There are issues surrounding the misleading disclosure (wrong room), and beyond that, the fact that I was sold a bio-hazard deliberately disguised as a livable environment. I have searched real estate law online, but this is such an outrageous and bizarre situation that I'm not finding any case studies that apply.

If you have any insight into possible ways that this situation might play out, what I ought to do and who I should talk to, who might be liable and for what, I would appreciate it. Of course I will be talking at length with my agent, but I hope the hive mind can provide some ideas and talking points.

(Posting anonymously because I'd rather not be known as the person who lives in the house that dripped blood. But if you have questions or want to reply anonymously, I can be reached at floorofgore@hushmail.com)

Not Disabled 'enough'

~Sushma~ — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 10:36:38 -0800

What should I do about employment options? Sick & old but not sick OR old *Enough* 56 yr old woman who has signed a non-compete contract, in the same industry for 29 years and has been told I'm on probation for 90 days. Took short-term disability to rest and secure my position but thus far was denied, no money coming in. No retirement money, no other way to make money...more below In February, I was not performing at work due to the pain from cancer and fibromyalgia. I drive 500-1500 miles a week and my performance and compensation is based upon economic growth from last year to this year, of course the economy has tanked and many of my customers are out of business, which impacts negatively on my growth. It is an impossible dilemma of which I know after the 90 days probation, I will be terminated. My doctors told me I must take short term disability, but the STD company tells me I'm not in enough pain to be out of work. I am appealing aggressively. Meanwhile I'm looking at other jobs to perhaps work from home in my waning days of my illness, but have been presented nothing but scams. I have no vocation other than growth based sales. I signed a non-compete contract, of which I don't even want to work in this field again, but am having issues with what to do. I am a full time caretaker for my son, and my primary sales job is a 12-17 hour a day gig. I'm completely burned out but not enough (according to the law) to become disabled. FLMA does not apply. I have no family support and no means of support because I do not have a "label". Need some 'hivehelp'! I have seriously considered suicide but inherently know the harm it will do my son, hence not an option. I feel I am trapped in this hell and see no way out. Between the pain and worry I know I'm not thinking clearly and ask for some suggestions. I am being medicated, and in therapy.

What helps after a suicide?

dbmcd — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 08:10:49 -0800

How can I help a suicide's widow? A dear friend committed suicide yesterday. My husband and I were notified by a mutual friend because the dead man thought of my husband as a friend (one of his few, I think). His partner (they never married) is staying with some closer friends for now. My question is: What can I/we do to help her? A tiny bit of background - he had struggled with depression for years, and the last time we saw him he'd been through another tough bout, he described it as his worst in years. Now his pain is gone, but hers remains.
We immediately offered to "do anything she may need". But I have the sense that kind of offer is too vague for this kind of situation. Should we call? Show up and say "How can we help?" She's got a small business and her partner used to help out quite a bit; I'm currently unemployed, so could possibly be of some use to her.
Any of you who have been in position (and my heart goes out to you) - what was the 'best' help you got? What isn't so useful.
Thanks so much for your help.

Who were you, Ms. McHale?

ktoad — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 20:27:33 -0800

Despite the passage of many decades, people still find and are fascinated by the famous Life Magazine photo of Evelyn McHale's strangely beautiful corpse after she leapt from the Empire State Building. I was just wondering if anyone has ever run across any more information about her other than the small bio that accompanied the photo. Are there other publicized photos of her before she died? Was her family ever contacted for comment? I don't mean to be ghoulish about it, I just find it to be iconic (Warhol even made it into artwork) and am surprised that no one ever looked into her life further.

Name that soul-crushingly sad indie flick

afabulousbeing — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 21:05:41 -0800

I'm attempting to track down the title of a film I saw years ago on the IFC that ended with a botched suicide/murder attempt by a troubled adolescent girl... If I recall, the movie may very well have been in black and white, but in any case, it was the very poignant, dark ending that stood out most for me and that I hope might spark a mefite's memory. I only have the vaguest recollection of events leading up to the movie's finale, but I seem to recall that the girl was out looking for work and temporarily landed a job in either a fastfood or newspaper stand (?).

Anyhow, the last scene takes place inside a trailer where her mother/female caretaker is lying passed out and the girl is making plans to kill them both by filling the room up with gas. She soon discovers however that more gas is needed so she leaves in order to obtain a gas tank from a man nearby. As she's dragging this tank behind her determinedly (and all the while, maintaining a blank face), a young teenaged boy who she had befriended earlier in the film comes biking up to her and begins circling around her incessantly. He doesn't say anything, and she, likewise, keeps silent while struggling to move onwards back to the trailer. Except...something finally gives. She stops and he stops, and she begins to cry. Finis.

Might anyone be able to tell me the name of the movie? If so, thanks in advance.

How to help a friend cope with a parent's attempted suicide.

Anonymous — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 16:49:28 -0800

Help me support a friend whose father attempted suicide. Added complication: my friend is half a world away from both his family and me. My friend "M" called me a few hours ago with the horrible news that his father had attempted suicide. Its caught him and his family completely off-guard as M's dad has always projected the image being the total strong and capable father/husband/provider - also the type that probably bottled issues and emotions up, fwiw. Thankfully, it does appear that he's now getting the care that he needs. My question is how to support my best friend through this.

The complication is that M is currently stationed overseas, with his family and myself back in the states. Talking to M, he seems to be a little dazed by these events right now. I've strongly urged him to go talk to someone over there - he mentioned that there are facilities with counselors/therapists where he's at, or he may go talk to his unit's chaplain. This is his second deployment, and he's always had such an incredibly good state of mind given the stressful conditions he's faced, and I worry that this could really throw him. M pushes himself hard being a good officer and commander, I'm concerned he won't make the effort/take the time to help himself deal with it.

I'm the person that he's emotionally closest to (much more so than his family), and we're able to talk fairly often. I've already started to gently urge him to talk to a professional about this, and I'll continue to do so. But I want ideas/suggestions/comments on anything else I can say or do to help him through this tremendously difficult time. If you wish to respond off-metafilter, please email me at: anonsupport3@gmail.com

Bad Not-Quite-Dreams

Anonymous — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 08:00:55 -0800

After many years of chronic depression I have finally achieved a reasonable facsimile of mental health. Except... When I close my eyes for sleep I am troubled by visions of killing myself in various gruesome ways. These visions range from flashes to full-blown plans, but they are uniformly gory and highly disturbing. I do not know exactly how long this has been going on, but my guess is for at least half a year.

To be clear: I do not wish to harm myself or anyone else; when I do remember them (because these visions never jump from the pre-sleep stage to full-blown dream) I am disturbed but rarely suicidal. And I know myself well enough to realize when I need to take the necessary steps to ensure I will remain among the living.

I've been on these meds (zoloft and occasional trazadone) for a year and a half. After discussing the pre-sleep visions with my shrink, he doubled the recommended dose of trazadone from 50 to 100mg, and recommended I "try to think about something else." He did not have answers to my concerns about this advice, namely the increased dependency/decreasing effectiveness of trazadone over time. Also I am unsure how to follow the second bit of advice: how does one let one's mind relax while concentrating on something one is trying not to think about? (Don't think of purple anteaters!) (Too late!)

Although the visions of self-harm only occur when I prepare for sleep it is beginning to affect the rest of my life. I realized I was staying up later, and reading far beyond the point of being tired, in order to avoid them. They are that bloody.

Have you ever experienced this? How did you recover, or learn to deal with it?

Is it possible there is another factor at play here? Lack of exercise? Mold spores? Brain tumor?

I am a single mid-thirties male and can be reached at badnotquitedreams@gmail.com.

Grieving vs. Working

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 10:21:14 -0800

I just got back to work after taking a week for the holidays, which is apparently a big no-no at my job because this is an insanely busy time for the office. My boyfriend and I just learned that his best friend committed suicide last night. I'd like to take off [more] work but I don't know how to tell my colleagues what's going on without sounding manipulative or lazy. I like my colleagues, but we're not terribly close--I'm new, and the only remaining person in my specific field after a series of lay offs, so when I'm gone the entire project stalls until I return. Out of maybe 20 people in the office, only one other person took time off for the holidays. A week of unpaid holiday vacation was a stipulation that I made when I was hired (I only get to see my family once a year), but the people who OK'd my vacation were subsequently laid off. When the time came around to remind my new superiors that, uh, I'd already bought plane tickets, I could tell they weren't happy. I worked double the week before and then worked remotely from home so we didn't lose any progress. With the economy the way it's going, I'm still worried that this ill-timed vacation doesn't reflect well on my work ethic. So now I'm back from my trip and faced with this terrible news. What's worse, the days leading up to New Year's are very very busy for our office, and after a lot of lay offs this season, we're especially strapped for manpower. Everyone's hunkering down and working 13-14 hours a day up until Wednesday evening.

Naturally, this event totally blindsided everyone in our circle of friends. I need to be there, especially for my boyfriend, who was closest to our friend and is simply devastated by her death, but I don't know how to convey the severity of the situation without blurting out the barest details of the grisly situation. If I knew everyone better, this wouldn't be a problem, but I'm worried the admission will just seem manipulative or overly personal. If I cite a vague "family emergency" I'll sound like a college student who wants to get out of writing a paper.

What's the best way to phrase this to a superior who's already a little peeved that I was gone last week? New Year's tasks are always rolling in, so I can't assure him this time that I'll work double today and tomorrow so I can take off Wednesday to console my boyfriend and attend the funeral.

Thanks in advance for your help. I'm still in shock and haven't dealt properly with the emotional aspects of this news, but it would be great to work out an arrangement that allows me to focus on grieving instead of worrying that I'll lose my job during the recession.

What percentage of suicides are due to alcohol?

puckish — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 17:24:59 -0800

What percentage of suicides are due to alcohol? Not people who “drink themselves to death,” but people who are actually intoxicated when they kill themselves? I guess people who "drink themselves to death" in one sitting can be included here. Mostly, though, I'm interested in people using alcohol as a disinhibitor (intentionally or not), and whether this has an appreciable effect on suicide rates.

Try to forget my name

Anonymous — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 09:56:37 -0800

I broke up with a boy recently - broke his heart, to be precise. Badly, unfairly, selfishly. For reasons that, while I recognize as illogical to outside parties, are entirely unavoidable for me. I wouldn't change my decision. I won't reveal all details. But he attempted suicide over this, and I've been feeling nonstop nausea thinking about this situation. I can't stop blaming myself for driving someone to this degree of... brokenness. We were together for nearly a year, and I've known him for several. Mostly long distance, but we managed to spend a lot of time together, face-to-face. Weeks upon weeks, over the course of our relationship. Originally I wanted to take things one step at a time, just going day-to-day without making huge plans for our futures. Over time, that failed - we grew closer together and formed grandiose visions of what our lives would end up being, how entwined the branches would grow. We made promises, swore we were each others' whole world, and never took a step back, never tried to gain perspective.

I was happy. Truly, honestly happy. And that's why in part, doing this made no sense to him. It didn't click that recently, whether consciously or unconsciously, I took that step back and became scared of what I saw. It would make no sense if you're still running, looking forward. I didn't want to be the center of someone's universe anymore, I didn't want promises weighing me down. I don't know why this is part of the explanation - I don't want to be justifying anything. I'm not a victim here, as he told me.

But his suicide attempt was extremely real. He's in therapy now, in a "crazy house" as he described it. He had no family and no close friends other than me, which made the break all the more unbearable, and makes me feel all the more guilty for ruining his life after building it up so high. He gave me a call to explain where he now is, but also mentioned that he still sees no reason to live, and may very well make future attempts again. I'm devastated, physically sick, and I ask him to be careful, to take care of himself - he asks me dismissively, "Just so you don't have a suicide on your conscience, right?" And I think, he's right, what a selfish reason...

This post needs to go somewhere. I'm sorry. I have a small group of people close to me that I've been talking to about this, to keep my head above water, but every time I do I just think about him being alone right now and I want to break down. I can't take him back; I'm in no position to start a relationship again, especially with someone who requires that much attentive care at this moment. And that makes me feel guilty too.

How do I deal with this? How do I not have this weigh on my conscience if I receive terrible news in the future of him accomplishing something stupid? After all, I praised him - I called him my everything - and then I took it away "just" because I was scared of that pressure. Is that even excusable..? I'm worried about getting close to other people now, in the case that they become similarly attached and then so horribly devastated if we part.

My mind is a mess, and parts of me keep repeating almost as a mantra, "This is nothing compared to what he's going through. You have no right to complain." And yet... this is driving me insane. Any words of advice, anything, would be highly appreciated.

Thank you.

Are these feelings normal, or symptoms of depression?

alpha_betty — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 09:06:56 -0800

How do I sort out whether my feelings are due to grief, or depression, and how do I proceed after the suicide of my brother-in-law? About a month ago, I began feeling the effects of depression. Periodically throughout my life, I have had major depressive episodes (diagnosed by a physician and a psychologist separately) and I have gotten semi-used to them, so it wasn't much cause for alarm, aside from the fact that it was the first one in quite a long time.

About two weeks into my funk, my brother-in-law (remember Mike?) committed suicide. It has now been just over two weeks since he died, and I am obviously feeling a lot of things: grief for his wife and family, especially my husband, with whom he was close - and grief for Mike, for feeling that desperate and hopeless; disbelief that he did what he did and that he's really gone; guilt and regret about the feelings detailed in the linked question; and the underlying depression that I was already in the middle of.

I am not suicidal, but I feel numb. I was once on antidepressants but haven't been for about two years. My husband and I have an appointment with a counselor on Saturday, and I have purchased a book on grief to understand what I and others around me are feeling (it is en route). I am questioning whether I should go see my GP to get a prescription for antidepressants, because I am not functioning well at the moment and when I have felt like this previously, I have been extremely destructive with my life (quit my job, quit school, self-harmed, etc.). At that time, however, I was not in counseling or therapy. I know it's normal to have a period of grief after a death, but I don't know where the line is drawn as far as normal vs. needing extra help. This is my first experience with death.

So how do I determine whether my feelings and emotions are cause for intensive treatment, or if it's a normal grief experience?

(My husband, for his part, seems to be coping better than I, but I believe that he is looking forward to counseling, as well.)

I am crazy. Help.

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 07:53:52 -0800

Help me design a multi-pronged approach to dealing with longstanding depression/grief/craziness. Anonymous so I can be more explicit about my psychiatric history.

I've had depression since I was about 12. I am now 30, female, good marriage. I have had periods of remission, but things have generally gotten worse. I don't want to end up dead.

I have a family history of suicide. There are a few different possibilities for my diagnosis: dysthymia, double depression, major depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, or any combination of these. My most common symptoms are periods of extreme procrastination and paralysis, suicidal thoughts, crying, utter hopelessness. I am at college and having a complete bitch of a time getting anything done. I also work a "real job" and I often feel that I am not all there, mentally. I am spacey, have poor memory and concentration, and am often paralyzed with anxiety. My performance seems to be okay (people often have trouble understanding how I can have such serious problems when my performance seems to be acceptable) but I know that I am working far, far, far below my potential. And I feel like utter shit most of the time. I use the internet compulsively and excessively when feeling anxious. I have very low energy (I know how to eat well, and exercise makes me more sleepy, but I do it.)

I have tried the following medications: Effexor, Wellbutrin, Risperdal, Celexa. Also zopiclone for insomnia. I was on the first four in various combinations for six years, and I felt like they did nothing for my mood, merely gave me side-effects (sleepiness, no sex drive.) I gradually weened off (a hellish process) and I have little faith that drugs can help me. But I am, of course, willing to try anything. I've read books (Feeling Good, Learned Optimism, a lot of others about depression, procrastination, etc.)

I have a history of grief. I've had many family members and friends die, starting from a very young age. Thankfully, no first-degree relatives (mom dad or sib), but most have been close second-degree relatives. The suicides have especially wrecked me. The latest one was pretty recent. I also have experienced some emotionally abusive relationships, and have trauma from sexual harassment. I have very little money and may soon be laid off.

I have a couple close friends, but I do not go to them much for support with this. I am embarrassed by my troubles. I don't talk much about it with my family, though they are also aware of my history. I had several not-very-serious suicide attempts in my teens/early 20s, but none recently. I really don't want to end up like my other family members who have suicided, but I feel in my gut that is where I'm headed.

I see a therapist pretty regularly. We do CBT and work on practical stuff. I have a Dr. appointment this morning, and had one a few weeks ago as well for the depression, because I need sick notes for missed obligations at school. The doctor says I need to be back on meds. I have been given a list of other therapeutic resources to access that include Dr.s who specialize in anxiety, and gestalt therapists.

This is a very complex problem that has not been adequately addressed...ever. I was in therapy for a long time, starting when I was 16. I did interpersonal and CBT. The last psychiatrist who assessed me said I may benefit from psychodynamic approaches, but I am not sure which ones.

Really, I feel like I need to take the reins here. Despite all the professionals I have seen, I feel like none of them have good answers to give me, even the nice and helpful ones. I am sick of struggling to function day-to-day and never knowing when an episode of major depression will hit and totally fuck everything in my life up. I am angry, hopeless, and full of grief. I don't understand how people keep living when life is so consistently horrific. I look at my friends who are able to have a career + friends + hobbies + family, and I am totally dumbfounded. Is that how normal people live? Can I do that too?

I need to do something. I have to design some kind of therapy regimen. Please help me with this.

Things I think I need: grief counselling, esp for suicide survivors, perhaps some kind of schema therapy, or gestalt, or maybe DBT. I've done a bit of research on these methods, but am really confused. I've also researched medications a bit (in the past) and am at a loss for what to do now. Which therapies and medications are best for what? I feel like I cannot get a straight answer from my docs.

If you can give me some ideas for a more intense, multi-pronged regimen I can try, and give me specific names/resources I can contact in Toronto, I would really really appreciate it.

How do you cope with the public loss of a close relation?

geckoinpdx — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 11:57:25 -0800

I've been debating for two weeks now but this question finally made my decision for me. I finally got around to seeing The Bridge. Bonus points for anyone who's seen it. This is a little long...I am Very Much Not OK now. [mods, if this is an inappropriate use of a question, feel free to delete, but I needed to at least try]

First off, I do have a therapist appointment. I'm not looking for a free therapy session, nor am I attempting to attention whore for condolences or sympathy. I Already Have My Own Fricking Blog.

Second, I am more than a little confused, so I am sorry if this rambles. I do have a point, and hopefully an answerable question.

OK. I grew up in and around San Francisco, and it's an unspoken fact of life that the bridge represents two things: tourists and suicides. That's just how it is.

Death and suicide don't bother me, actually they somewhat fascinate me. I was a psych major with an emphasis on thanatology. I knew about the film and had intended to see it for a long time but it was always in the list. A friend of mine had just happened to have rented it the day I went over so we watched.

It was pretty much what I expected. It seemed rather exploitative and I'm not sure they needed to show the actual deaths, but that's another topic. As I watched, something else was bothering me but I couldn't quite place it. A familiarity, an unease, something subtle and very uncomfortable. It wasn't until the very last scene, when the "star", if you like, made the final leap, and they listed the names of the dead. Then it hit me like a lead brick.

Gene Sprague.

They'd been showing him and talking about him throughout the entire film, but somehow I refused to make the connection. When I finally saw the name, yes, it really was him, it clicked.

For several years, Gene Sprague was my best friend.

We'd lost contact over the years, and hadn't been super-tight but every time I went back home he was at the usual haunts, we'd catch up and it was like nothing had changed.

It's a case of not knowing what you have until it's gone; I hadn't fully realised how much of an impact he had on me until I watched him die. It also didn't help that against my better judgment I later poked around the net and read message boards and posts about him and the film and was surprised at some of the reactions I found. 'Typical goth'? This guy, neither typical nor goth, is the only one out of a rather sizeable group of friends that took it upon themselves to take care of me when I had a breakdown. He was fucked up, obviously, but there was so much more to him than anyone who didn't know him could realise.

The reason for posting, I guess, is perspective. As I said, death and so forth does not bother me; it's a fact of life. I have watched more than a few people die. I have lost a fair number of close friends. A few to suicide. But this...this is different for some reason.

I can't describe what I'm feeling; it's all-encompassing anger and rage and pain and intense sadness and numbness and happiness and lots of other simultaneous things. I can't concentrate on much, it comes up roughly every ten minutes. I don't remember hurting quite like this ever before. At the same time, I am fascinated by my own reaction.

I'm able to function, of course, and I will be talking to a professional about this in the near future, but the statement that keeps popping up in the back of my head is this: I watched one of the best friends I ever had kill himself, and paid admission to see it.

I am autistic. Professionally diagnosed, not armchair, to spare that particular can of worms. Things don't affect me like they seem to do most other people. At the risk of getting all Star Trek "show me this Earth thing you call grief", is this what most people feel when confronted with a similar loss? Is this what the big deal is?

Witnessing the suicide of a stranger

Anonymous — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 11:55:05 -0800

How do I find other people who have witnessed the suicide of a stranger? Last week I was driving over the SF Bay Bridge and watched someone get up on the railing and jump off. I found out later that he died and was picked up by the authorities.

I did all the things I was supposed to do - called 911, checked in with the authorities, let myself cry before driving a vehicle etc. I've been in touch with friends who are therapists and gotten plenty of hugs and loving people to support me.

But the image of him getting up on the side of the bridge and the way his body looked as he jumped haunts me. I know it's probably too early to expect that it go away. I'm just struggling with what meaning to find in it all and how to find people who won't judge what I am experiencing.

I've looked for support sites online and have found a number of places that are for friends or family who have had someone they love commit suicide. But I don't even know this guy's name. I wouldn't want to be intruding on what is obviously a very sensitive time for someone who has a friend or family member die.

Part of what is making this challenging for me is that I don't know much about what happened, or why it happened. There is not much more information I can learn. I also have found that while some family or friends have tried to be helpful, they have had a tough time not assigning blame, being judgmental or otherwise putting their own issues about death and suicide onto my plate. Which feels even more confusing and alienating.

I'd like to find people to talk to who get what I'm going through. Are there support groups or online places for people who have witnessed the suicide of a stranger(s)? I think it might be really helpful to talk to someone else who has experienced something similar. Can anyone recommend a place to get support? I've googled but I'm not coming up with anything useful.

I welcome any thoughts or suggestions. email:zerzik at gmail dot com

How to I get out of a rocky relationship?

runflats — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 00:46:10 -0800

I can't get out of the relationship I'm in with my girlfriend. Normally, it would just end. Parties would walk away and that would be that. But it's just not that easy with her... This relationship is a rocky one. We have our good times. We have our bad times. We have times that are just outright drama. She has some emotional issues I didn't discover until a couple months in. And by then I was already hooked, or at least cared enough to try to prevent a scary outcome. She is prone to manic depression and occasionally suicidal thoughts. This means I keep how I really feel about the relationship bottled up to a certain extent. I don't "floor" her with the truth on purpose. I've been trying for a year to 18 months to get a breakup to be her idea (Note: not all that time, most of the time the relationship is pleasant). That way, she can move out, and move on and she'll most likely keep things together.

The last time I broke up with her outright, she drove straight to the grocery store, bought a bottle of pain relievers, and ate half of them during a manic episode. I helped her through that. And I learned not to be so blunt with her.

But I don't feel like I should have to be there for these things. I want a relationship that is truly fulfilling and this is not the one. But, I keep getting sucked back in. Both of us are very busy with work and school and don't have strong social networks to fall back on. We are each others' best friend.

But this has to change. I have to get out. Or it will be this way indefinitely. She's moved out this weekend after a fantastic fight. But if it follows past patterns it won't last. She huffs and puffs in anger for a while. She hates my "rules" (I like to keep my house clean, her standards are different). ...Until she leaves. Once she is out the door, she is the sweetest person on earth. She loves me, she wants to be with me. She really is incredibly sweet. (Acquaintances generally know her this way.) And is takes everything I've got not to let her back in. She's very persistent, so I've relented the few times that this has happened over the past couple years.

I want to break the cycle though. The relationship is too rocky to sustain, IMO. I'm pretty convinced that I don't want to ride a rollercoaster the rest of my life. She has really great qualities and really bad ones. The totality is that I want something else...maybe something better. But I haven't been able to break myself away because A) she has some really amazing qualities when she's "good" B) I'm afraid of what will happen if I stick to my guns on "no contact" and C) it gets especially hard to stay disciplined since each of our social networks are neglected, meaning, neither of us have a whole lot to fall back on (outside of family, whom neither of us likes to involve too much).

PS. She's on some meds which help *a lot*, but don't ultimately prevent manic episodes under a high amount of stress. Either way, I'm fairly young and we're dating. I don't feel like I want to deal with this condition for any longer...

Are smarter people more likely to kill themselves?

scottreynen — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 21:44:51 -0800

It seems like most suicides I hear about are very intelligent people, but is there actually any established correlation between intelligence and suicide? Or has this been conclusively rejected as a risk factor? I haven't been able to find any mention of intelligence in various discussions of suicide risk factors.

Grief...depression...both? Now what?

Soulbee — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 11:55:35 -0800

How to deal with long grief leading into depression? I lost my boyfriend last year in a very sudden, very horrifying suicide. (there are links in my post about it last year if you're a trainwreck gaper like i am...) I'm in weekly therapy with a great therapist. I see a great psychiatrist monthly. I am on two antidepressants that don't seem to be doing much for me but I can't really tell, because am I depressed or am I still grieving? I just can't seem to get past it. Not a little bit. Not even at all. I have a history of dissociating unwanted emotions, but I feel this experience has ripped me open and I can't ignore anything that causes me pain now. And I can't stop thinking about him and what happened and why did it happen and should I have known, could I have guessed, is there anything I could have done, is there anything anyone could have done, how long was he planning it, why did he do it the way he did, what was he thinking WHAT WAS HE THINKING etc etc etc. Logically I have some answers to all these questions. But emotionally....my heart just ain't buying what my brain's selling. I feel like I'm getting punched in the gut forty times a day when i think about him.
I've managed to hold on to my job through this, and even had the best quarter ever, in the three months following his death. But everything else just seems....basically impossible. My friends have been less than supportive I have to say, but I haven't made much efforts to hold on to them, either. I bought an exercise bike so i could get some sweat going even though i hate leaving my apartment when i don't have to. i haven't done dishes in more than a month, and i haven't vacuumed once since i moved in here, in november of last year. i was paying the teenager downstairs to clean for me periodically, but i can't afford that now, and she's in college anyway, and I can't have a stranger in my house. i don't do any of the things i like to do; i was keeping up with photography for awhile but even that's by the wayside for the last 2 months...
OK my questions. I've asked these of my professionals, but I want a hivemind opinion:
1) I'm depressed....but is it chemical? People who understand tell me, but it's only been a year since your boyfriend __________ (insert horrible manner of self-inflicted death here), it's understandable you're struggling.... but can it be fixed? I figure the AD's are doing something....but it doesn't feel like enough...
2) Maybe no one can answer this....but....i long to know....how can i come to accept the unacceptable? There are no answers to the questions i have surrounding this loss...but new ones keep cropping up, obsessing me for days, spurred by things i read, things i see on TV, things i dream. the death of DFW last weekend was catastrophic for me in more ways than one.
3) I have started to think towards my future, acknowledging I can't stay in this safe, comfortable, well paying job that i HATE forever...I've stayed because I just couldn't handle another change....but it can't last forever, because I'm losing my ability to "embrace the suck" that is my day to day work. (it's not my coworkers, or anything against the job, i just....it's not what i thought i'd be doing with my life, and i cant' stay here forever)....but it feels impossible to make plans to do something that requires me to be really functional and presentable human when i feel like i'm so NONFUNCTIONAL and unpresentable. i never know what's going to pop out of my mouth. i can't even FATHOM the energy it would take to clean out my car let alone my house. Let alone successfully study for the GREs...and decide what I want to do with my life.
i've been waiting for more than a year now for some light to return to my life, but despite my best efforts it's just not happening. what do i need? more therapy? a swift kick to the head? what worked for you if you were in this kind of confusing black hole?

sorry for the length, thanks in advance for any answers.

Do you remember a picture of a naked melting person?

sergeant sandwich — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 23:29:55 -0800

I'm looking for back story on a somewhat disturbing photograph which was circulating around the internet around 10-15 years ago. Trouble is, I no longer have a copy of the file, and can't find it. The photo in question was an internet meme from back before they were called that. It could best be described as "face-down naked melting woman". I say melting because.. well, that's what it looked like. A big puddle of skin, with feet; sort of like what you'd get if people were made of wax and one was made to lie face down in the sun.

The melting person (who for some reason, we thought was a woman, but it was hard to tell) was completely naked, face down in the middle of what I recall to be a city street, possibly cobblestone. It was daylight, and the photo was taken from behind at what looked like about a distance of 40-50 feet. We called her Melta.

Does this ring a bell for anyone? I've been searching the internets high and low for a copy of the picture, with every possible combination of search terms I can think of, and I've crawled up and down sites like rotten.com and ogrish until I couldn't take it anymore. Not for the lulz, but because for nearly half my life now, I've been absolutely mystified by the origin of this photo. I need some sort of explanation.

Our best guess was that it was a photograph of a suicide jumper who had been overweight and the impact was so violent that the flesh liquefied and spread out like a puddle.

But I don't think flesh does that in reality, and there was absolutely no split skin, no blood or gore or anything at all, no cops standing around, no rubberneckers gawking, in fact nobody else in the picture at all. No other visual clues that would be indicative of a suicide scene. And why would they be completely naked? It just.. it didn't look like a suicide to me, and this explanation never quite held water for me.

The only other conceivable explanation for this picture is that a person who had recently lost a great deal of weight, and therefore had very loose skin, was running down the street buck naked and tripped and fell on their face. But then this is weird enough as it is.

Anyway, I'm hoping someone at least remembers this picture. Better yet would be a link to it somewhere. But what I'm really looking for here is to learn Melta's story. If you can help me scratch this fifteen-year itch, I will be forever grateful.

What's a gifter to do with unwanted gifts?

UtterlyDrained — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 08:41:55 -0800

My wife's battled depression for a while, and though she rallied and had a decent few months, she plunged back into the depths of it for the few weeks around her recent birthday (which seems to happen every year, but this year was the worst yet). She had us cancel any birthday plans, cake, etc -- didn't even want anybody to say "happy birthday". After asking a few times and receiving this same answer, I went along with it; it was her birthday, after all. Her mood has lifted since then, but she still doesn't want her presents -- says to return everything, and shuts down when I bring up the subject. Fine, I can return them, except for one, a custom order meant as a present from our four-year-old (call her "Olivia"): a set of coasters printed with Olivia's scanned artwork. What do I do with them? Ideas:
A) Trash them.
B) Give them to her anyway, wrapped, and say "open or trash this, it's up to you". Seems blatantly disrespectful of her explicit request, though.
C) Unwrap them and then give them to my wife, saying "would you, uh, like some coasters?"
D) Save them for another holiday
E) Use them myself, in my own space.
F) Olivia was excited about them, and would love having her very own special set of coasters. I could give them to her instead. They would be a reminder of this episode to my wife, which could be bad (always reminding her of the ongoing depression that caused her to turn them down in the first place, and of the fact that she refused to accept a gift from her daughter because of her own issues), or -- in a way -- good (reminding her that her depression and actions affect those around her). (There's a small chance this could backfire if Olivia insists on presenting them to my wife as a gift; she's been, for instance, occasionally wrapping up her toys in packing paper and giving them to my wife since the non-birthday, though my wife hasn't connected the two as far as I know).