Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with suicide

What's That Novel

forallmankind — Sat, 18 May 2013 16:30:52 -0800

NovelFilter: please help me identify a novel which begins with a suicide - there is a wealthy (they have a cook & a maid) family dinner, someone leaves to go to the restroom, finds the daughter in a pool of blood. I also remember that the father continues to chew on his food as he stares in shock at the body, an uneaten ice-cream cake, and possibly that the suicide results in the narrator marrying the daughter's fiance. That's all I got - any ideas?

I loved him, he loved me, but it was complicated and now he's dead.

cardinality — Sun, 05 May 2013 10:31:59 -0800

I just ended a year-long relationship two months ago with the love of my life. He was a brilliant, creative, talented and generous man with Asperger's and a long, complicated history of severe mental illness. He was an Army vet and had lived an incredible life, full of adventures but also extreme trauma and heartbreak. He killed himself on Friday. How do I go on? I just ended a year-long relationship two months ago with the love of my life. He was a brilliant, creative, generous man with Asperger's and a long, complicated history of severe mental illness. He was an Army vet and had lived an incredible life, full of adventures but also extreme trauma and heartbreak.

I put his needs before mine this past year, many times, and being with him almost destroyed my life. I broke up with him because I had exhausted my every last mental and emotional resource. I was contemplating suicide and told him that I needed to take a break to get my own life back together, to get into therapy and see a psychiatrist for the first time in my life, and to try to find a path to recovery for myself. I told him that I didn't want to see or talk to him for two months. We were going to talk again after May 15th.

Our respective mental illnesses weren't the only reason I wanted to take a break. He has unresolved issues with his former spouse and had some...let's call them emotional fidelity issues, at times. He was always searching for someone to save him, I think, because he was so unbearably tired of everything and had given up on trying to save himself.

I found out through word-of-mouth and the Facebook rumor mill that he ended his life on Friday. He'd had two months of turmoil...he'd immediately taken up with someone else while we were breaking up, a friend in our social circle died unexpectedly a week later, he'd been kicked out of his shared house within a month, had to go home to live with his parent, etc. But he'd been making plans to find a new place and move back to our city just as of this week, when he got some devastating financial news on Friday, and it was just the last straw for him.

He died alone in hopelessness and desperation. I hadn't exchanged more than pleasantries with him these past two months because I was so deeply hurt and angry with him, because I wanted to punish him, because I needed time to think and clear my head, to focus on my own recovery. I've been off of work these past two months and have been slowly clawing my way back from the brink.

I had hoped that after some time had passed and we had time to cool down and think, to live separately and rebuild some stability, that we could have resumed a friendship, if nothing else. He knew I loved him and he knew why I had to leave. He knew I would have stayed until my dying breath if he'd truly wanted and needed me there. I think he'd reached a place where the depression had overtaken everything in his life, and even things like love and friendship, hope, etc. were just out-of-reach intangibles for him.

If any of you have been through this, would you please share with me what helped? Did anything help, other than the passage of time? My friends and family have been so wonderfully kind to me the past two days. I had people staying with me the first 24 hours so I wouldn't do anything stupid.

I've lost other loved ones over the years after desperate, hopeless illnesses. To lose this person is...too much for me.

A friend of his said to me last night, "He was so very tired and couldn't cope anymore. It was his choice and we have to respect that. He's not suffering anymore and he's at peace, now." Her words helped...it *was* his choice. I'm grateful that he's not suffering anymore, because I know he was, had been for many years, and terribly so. That thought is the only thing that's helping me to make peace with it, right now.

The last night we spent together, he told me, "You're what's kept me alive for the past year, and I'm grateful for that."

I feel like I've failed him and I was cruel when I should have been kind, despite that I had given him all of the kindness and understanding that I'd been capable of. When does one draw the line? When is it okay to say, "I don't have the strength to do this anymore? I love you and I'm so sorry, but I can't go on like this anymore?" I feel like I abnegated my responsibility to him, just as a fellow human being. He needed someone to take care of him and I couldn't do it anymore, and now he's dead.

How do I endure the viewing and the funeral? I am concerned that some of his friends or family will blame me for where he ended up, and how. I did the best I could but I had to save myself first. I couldn't save us both.

I am lost in the fog right now, and feeling that everyone I love suffers and dies, while I have to stoically continue on, hating and enduring my life until it finally ends, trying to chisel out small bits of contentment here and there until I'm finally free. Everyone that loves me has begged me not to end it over this. I promised them I wouldn't...I know it's wrong and I don't want to put anyone else through this. But I feel so lost and everything seems black to me, right now.

(I do have an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday and I spoke to him yesterday.)

Handling bipolar drama

theatro — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 17:24:20 -0800

My distant sibling, diagnosed with bipolar some time ago (I don't know any solid details, unfortunately), fell out of touch with me for years. Now he's back in touch, but mostly just to drop dramatic texts on me ("I'm at the hospital", or, tonight, "I'm with the police, I'll call you when I'm released") and then not answer my increasingly plaintive texts or phone calls. I haven't been the prime target of this sort of thing before, what seems to be big swings of mental illness with the hospital and sheriffs and police involved, and the person involved giving me a bit of information but then nothing. Can anyone with more experience give me some advice as to ways I might handle it? My brother is in his early 40s, gainfully employed (as far as I know, anyway--I feel like I have to put caveats on all this, because he fell out of touch for a long time and I hear very few details from him directly). My guess as to why he was in the hospital is maybe a suicide attempt, possibly a 72-hour hold? But it's all guessing at this point, and when I respond to his initial announcement texts, I get a couple of one or two-word replies and then nothing for days or weeks. No answers to calls, either.

Any ideas for how I might proceed? What might be happening on his end if these are suicide attempts or other events serious enough to get the hospital and police involved, and/or if he is going in for a 72-hour hold? Things I might try saying, or shouldn't say?

I mean, I can tell him I love him and worry about him. I've asked what his doctor thinks, whether maybe there are med changes or adjustments that might help (no answer, but then there's no answer to almost everything). I haven't yet said how angry I am getting at the swooping in with drastic announcements and then swooping off into the night never to be heard from again, but maybe I should? Or not?

I know it's hard to say because you don't know him, but neither do I, so I'm really at sea. Any suggestions or thoughts would be appreciated.

What was this strange thing that happened to my boyfriend?

alysonagain — Sat, 30 Mar 2013 22:22:34 -0800

Two weekends ago, something REALLY weird happened to my boyfriend and I'm still struggling to try and figure out what it was. A hallucination? A psychotic episode? Some background: he and I have been together almost a year, in our mid-twenties, both professionals recently out of grad school and in our first "grown-up" jobs. Both of us consider this a serious relationship and see it leading to marriage, perhaps in the next 2 years or so. We communicate really well on an everyday basis but we do have fights occasionally, mainly when one or both of us is sleep-deprived and/or stressed about work or something else, and we have talked a lot about it and are both working on conflict resolution skills, and I think it's been getting a lot better.

From the very beginning of our relationship, he has been extremely open and honest with me about his past. He grew up the middle child of a rather dysfunctional family and went through a very rebellious phase in high school and college, including using drugs. (He grew up a lot during grad school and stopped using all drugs about a year before we met.) During college, he went through a really bad stage of depression after a long-term girlfriend cheated on him and broke up with him. He attempted suicide during this phase of his life. I don't know the details; I've never pressed him about it. I know that he was admitted to a psychiatric hospital after this happened, I presume for just a few days since I don't think he ever had to take time off school for it. He was on antidepressants for a while but no longer takes them. Like I said before, he has always been 100% honest and open with me about all of this. It made me uncomfortable, of course -- no one likes to hear that their boyfriend has tried to kill himself before over an ex-girlfriend -- but he's promised me over and over again that this is a completely different phase of his life and he has grown up a lot since then, and he would never even dream of doing such a thing now. I believe him. There are times where he does show mild signs of depression, but overall he's a generally happy person and I have never been concerned about him until now.

Two weekends ago, we went out for St. Patrick's day with a female friend of ours (she's actually the girl who introduced us to each other). We came home to my house around 1:30 am. He was in a bad mood, because at around midnight I had wanted to go home and go to sleep and he wanted to go out to another bar for a couple hours. We had compromised and decided to go to the new bar for an hour and then come home. I could tell he was in a bad mood and had been holding it all in because our friend was around and he wanted to put on a good face while she was there. As soon as she left, we started to fight. Both of us had been drinking a little bit, but were not drunk by any means. (If anything, I was more tipsy than he was.) He started accusing me of not having a good time while we were out, because I wasn't dancing as much to the live music as he was, and because I had wanted to go home. It was a really dumb reason to be picking at me, but somehow it turned into a full-blown fight with both of us getting defensive and me crying. He was really upset -- I really think the whole night he had been annoyed at me because I wasn't acting like I was having a good time (when I actually was having a good time, I just don't get as into live music as he does -- we enjoy things in different ways.)

So we were sitting on my kitchen floor, I was crying, and he started crying. He suddenly looked at me with this really scared look on his face. I honestly thought he was about to break up with me -- I was really confused, and kind of scared. I had never seen him look like this before. He got really quiet for a long time and just had this odd look on his face but it looked scared. I calmed down and held his hand and asked him what was wrong. He didn't even acknowledge me. I kept trying to talk to him but it was like he didn't know I was even there. This went on for maybe 2 minutes or so. Then he got up and speed-walked out of the kitchen really quickly. I wondered if he was about to get sick or something, so I checked in the bathroom, but he wasn't in there. I found him lying in the bed, sobbing. I was really freaked out. I tried to talk to him, but he was doing the same thing where he didn't even acknowledge that I was there. This went on for another couple of minutes. I held him and told him it was going to be okay -- I didn't really know what else to do.

Then he suddenly jumped, like he was startled. He looked at me with a really confused look on his face. He said my name over and over like he didn't know why I would be there . He asked me where he was. I told him -- "you're in my house, you're in bed, I'm here with you, it's going to be okay." He then burst into tears and asked me "am I really here? are you real? Where's Anderson?" I had no idea who Anderson was... and this was starting to really scare me for real. After a few minutes he told me what he thought had happened. He couldn't really remember anything for the past 30 minutes or so. He did remember that we were in the kitchen and that we were fighting -- but he had no idea what we were fighting about. He just had a hazy memory of being upset. And then -- this is the part that gives me chills just typing it -- he walked over and picked up a kitchen knife and killed himself with it. That's why he was so confused when he "woke up" and was in bed and I was there with him.

He told me something similar to this has happened twice before. Both of these times were a very, very long time ago when he was struggling with bad depression and self-harming. At least one of those times, someone named Anderson was there with him and was the one who stopped him from actually hurting himself.

Since then, everything has been normal. We've both had a very stressful month at work, so we've bickered more these past several weeks than we usually do, but nothing like that has happened again. But I'm worried about him. He swears up and down that he doesn't have suicidal thoughts anymore, and hasn't in a long time, and that I make him happier than anyone else has ever made him. I believe him -- I think. I'm just scared because it seems like fighting with me brought out some terrible dark side of him. I don't even know what to call it. A hallucination? Temporary amnesia? Both? I'm a physician, so I have a pretty good understanding of basic psychiatric disorders but this doesn't seem like anything I've read about or heard about. I'm thinking that it was most likely some sort of transient thing brought on by severe stress. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this before? Should I be really worried?

Remember a family suicide in a karate film

eedele — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 05:54:01 -0800

I vaguely remember a scene from a Bruce Lee or Sonny Chiba movie in which a grieving (or shamed?) mother tries to kill herself and children. She ties them all together and to a weight and then in water they go... What was that movie?

How can a person give themselves cancer?

htid — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 11:05:26 -0800

Hypothetic/literary filter: Book character is looking for ways to die that are self inflicted, but would like it to seem like a deadly disease, but one that kills over a period of about 6 months. All I can come up with are nitrosamines but I don't think that is a sure thing. Any ideas? Are there substances that can reliably cause cancer or some other illness? Bacterial/viral/etc might also be okay. This is for a story. Thanks!

Emergency in Dresden

miorita — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 16:13:25 -0800

A friend's friend announced suicide, and we think there is a good chance she may mean it. She is in Dresden, Germany, we are in ROmania, and we cannot find a relevant emergency phone number that can be called from abroad or any other way to help. Can you help? Do you know what we could do? The police has already been there tonight and they judged that it was safe to leave her alone (neighbours called them in). Their number was the only one we managed to find, but our discussion with them didn't leave us confident with regard to their comptenece in this situation. After they were at her flat, my (Romanian) friend got another message saying goodbye. Since then, German friend of friend isn't answering her phone any more. We are very worried, my friend is in tears, fearing that German friend has already done something irreversible. What can we do?

How do I find my suicidal friend a solid psychiatrist to see tomorrow without getting him "flagged in the system"? (

bpm140 — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 22:36:44 -0800

How do I find my suicidal friend a solid psychiatrist to see tomorrow without getting him "flagged in the system"? (deets inside) Since I'm on a bit of a deadline, I'll keep this short.

Friend is in San Francisco. I'm in Colorado, but mutual friends are with him and can help with logistics.

He has fucked his life up recently and in a serious depression. He recognizes he's in a depression and has agreed to seek help. However, having had my own bouts with depression, I am acutely aware that time is of the essence because he can easily get sucked back into negative thoughts. So I want to get him an appointment tomorrow.

My experience with finding psychiatrists is that you call them between 9a and 5p on weekends and they eventually call you back and suggest an appointment a few weeks down the line.

I am fairly sure that mentioning suicidal thoughts will shortcut the process, but he is concerned that this could cause him to get flagged and, among other things, no longer be allowed to use firearms. Let's not argue this point -- whether it's correct (or even wise) is moot. He believes it, he's deeply depressed, logic doesn't matter round these parts.

So, help me out. Please.

I need to get in touch with a GOOD shrink and get my friend an appointment tomorrow. He's a tech exec, so he can afford quality healthcare, even if the shrink doesn't accept insurance. I need to do this without mentioning suicide.

How do I make this happen?

My girlfriend mentioned suicide last night...

*lostatsea* — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 10:37:10 -0800

My girlfriend mentioned suicide last night... My girlfriend has struggled with major depression since she was a teen. Recently her ups and downs have been surprisingly frequent and polar. She has never been diagnosed, but I am starting to think she may be bipolar.

She has mentioned suicide in passing before, I have known that she feels that is the way she will go. She has also told me that she knows how she will go and has fantasized about it many a time.

Last night she told me that she is going to go through with it soon. I am trying to figure out how to handle this situation, I know it is very sensitive and want to approach it the right way. Is this a cry for help? Is this her giving up? I need to act fast to save her. I know many people struggle with this and there are ways to get help.

Another thought, I love my girlfriend very much and have been caring for her ups and downs for a while. It seems to be where all of my energy is invested. I have noticed it really taking a toll on my emotional well-being and I have been thinking of leaving. With this issue of her suicide popping up last night, I no longer feel right about leaving right now. But I can't keep putting myself through this day in and day out. Anybody have any advice for my situation?

Thanks in advance.

Need advice on how to return to work?

rainygrl716 — Fri, 23 Nov 2012 13:58:23 -0800

Returning to work after hospitalization following suicude attempt. How to navigate this with coworkers? The coworkers know I was in the hospital for a week. Two I'm close to even know why. There are others I'm close to as well (we carpool, or we just work closely together, or some that probably know why I was in there without me telling).

The bottom line is I don't want to talk about it and don't know how to field questions that are already coming in via phone calls. How do I navigate this?

Help me be kind to a former coworker.

Anonymous — Fri, 16 Nov 2012 15:34:29 -0800

Help me be kind to a former coworker. I work in a role where I'd traditionally work with a partner, but for various reasons I've been flying solo for the past year and a half.

I met Susan at a networking event. We had a number of mutual friends - who'd actually suggested we meet before the event - and I felt we connected very easily. I was very impressed by her work and forwarded her details to my boss. When she was hired I was thrilled. I do okay working by myself, but I'm very ambitious and eager to take my work to the next level, and was really hoping Susan would both complement and challenge me.

Things weren't good from day one. Susan was very fragile and quiet at work, and I found myself giving her constant pep talks. At one stage I missed a meeting because I was stuck talking her through an anxiety attack, which is very unlike me (working by myself has made me very gung-ho and hyper organised at work). I had to coax work out of her.

Eventually Susan disclosed that she was having a very hard time with her mental health. At one point she even admitted to suicidal thoughts, and I spent most of that day at work talking her through her feelings until she went to see her therapist, and then came over to my house for the evening.

Susan quit less than a month after she was hired. She didn't tell me she was quitting; I came across her clearing out her desk and she just casually told me she was clearing out her desk.

It's been a few weeks. She's still in contact with me, but I'm having an enormously hard time with my response. My dad committed suicide when I was a teenager, so learning of her suicidal feelings brought up a lot of painful things for me. I've battled mightily with depression, OCD and anxiety. It still bothers me. I should be able to be compassionate, caring and available to a person in a similar place, right?

Wrong. Every time I see Susan's number pop up on my phone I feel this knot of resentment. Despite myself, I feel used and held back, as though my reserves of 'being a decent human being' were used up. I feel like I'm back to square one, work-wise, since it's difficult to advance without a partner, and I'm back to doing the hardest parts of my job by myself. I feel like I stuck my neck out with my boss, and fear that he now thinks less of me.

This is, of course, ridiculous. I want to be kind and giving to Susan. She's new in town, she's done nothing wrong, and she shared very private details about herself with me.

How do I break through my bullshit to be kind again?

Did he really mean what he said?

Anonymous — Sat, 03 Nov 2012 17:25:31 -0800

Last night, in the middle of a huge tantrum, my six year old son said "If you don't let me [do x], I will kill myself." Obviously, we are freaked out. How freaked out should we be? Other data points:
- He's in process of being diagnosed with ... something. Maybe ADHD. Maybe Autism Spectrum. Maybe some kind of other social processing disorder. But nothing is clear cut that makes you say "Oh, he's ________". So we wait (until probably late December) for all the testing to be complete.
- He has massive tantrums about things, sometimes. (Last night's was about being removed by his father from a PTO event where he was being physically disruptive by playing a rough game.) He's threatened to run away, or to "never love us again", which we slot as "typical kid threats" but we've never heard anything like this.
- In the moment, his father ignored it (I -- his mother -- wasn't there.) and continued to discipline him (by removing him from the room and getting him to calm down) as he normally would.
- He understands death, and has told us in the past (in context) that he doesn't ever want to die and be away from us.
- We have no idea where he might have heard that specific phrase.

I'm halfway to believing it was a threat on the level of "I'll run away from home and you'll never see me again" but the other half of my brain sees something darker. Neither of us have spoken with him at all about it, and when asked in general terms about his tantrum ("anger event") he just says he's very embarrassed and won't discuss it further.

Should we talk with him about this? Bring it up with his psychologist/special educators? Just disregard it and move on? Has your young child ever said anything like this to you.

I want to stress that he's not normally an out-of-control child. Whatever his learning issue is, it's so subtle that it's taken to the middle of first grade to even begin to be an issue. He does have strong emotions. This seems so out of character for him .... and yet .....

Broken hearted for my friend.

socky mcsockerton — Mon, 29 Oct 2012 11:31:42 -0800

I'm having a rough time dealing with the recent suicide of a dear friend; looking for some resources. The first day of college, I met a guy. He charmed me; there was love and a relationship for 6 years (into grad school). His mother committed suicide a couple of months before I met him; he was dealing with depression, sometimes severe, the whole time we were together. He saw neuropharmacologists, tried ECT, the whole gamut (me helpfully participating with rides and nursing skills when needed). I know his depression was one of the reasons we didn't make it; I just wanted more than always making tentative plans, doing a lot on my own because he wasn't up for it, the volatility.... He left the country to do some relaxation, and he basically never came back, apart from a couple of times he visited me. I always loved him, but I also chose not to be with him.

I'm ok with that. It's 9 years since I saw my ex, mainly because he lived on another continent, and I'm happily married to a great guy. I talked to my ex a few times a year; sent emails when I thought about him, etc. But then I got a call from his sister Saturday morning telling me that he killed himself. And I looked back at my email history, and i realized its been more than a year since I talked to him. Life just happened, and my priorities didn't include my relationship with him.

His sister also said this weird thing; she thanked me for keeping him alive as long as I did. I know I was a stabilizer when we were together, but we haven't been together in a long time. I think he had some flings, but no other relationships. Whenever we spoke, I always felt loved - not unrequited, miss you sexually, take me back love, but the dearness that comes after an intimate relationship ends without a lot of drama.

I just can't stop thinking about him, the anguish he must have been in, the loneliness he must have felt. And now he's gone forever, and I can't ever tell him anything ever again. This is the first death I've dealt with other than grandparents, and that part alone is tripping me out. I haven't been able to sleep these past few nights, and I just went to work at 4 am this morning to get my mind off the real, physical pain I feel in my heart.

I never really knew his family other than brief phone conversations, and I want to write them a really nice letter about how awesome he was (in a different light than they ever experienced). I want to send them some pictures I have of him where he's really happy, but I also don't want to intrude. My grief is minuscule compared to theirs, and this is not about me.

Are there any resources that you've found particularly helpful for figuring out death (without being completely overwhelmed by the enormousness of it all)? Any guides for dealing with suicide? I live in a rural area; there aren't going to be a lot of groups available. Do I need to go to therapy to figure out this stuff? Did you do anything after someone's death that helped you grieve and move on? Is this a phase that will end soon? I'm just so sad right now - for him, for his family, for me because he's gone. I'm working through this, this, and this, just wondering if there's something else I'm missing. (I am neither atheist or theist; any resources welcome.)

Coping mechanisms for dealing with suicide ideation?

yeoz — Tue, 11 Sep 2012 16:11:21 -0800

Coping mechanisms for dealing with suicide ideation, when there's no actual intent to commit suicide? I think about suicide a hell of a lot; and even though I haven't have any actual intent to commit suicide for quite a while now, it doesn't seem like my suicidal thoughts have actually decreased at all. I started therapy about a half year ago, and am transitioning (to a woman; I have been on HRT for around a half year too). Most of the time I feel better/happier/more-hopeful than I've ever felt before, but every so often something minor or stupid thing kicks up, which tends to make me all emotional, and my thoughts immediately jump to suicide so I don't have to deal with shit anymore. WTF is up what that. Usually it goes away after I think about how stupid it is, but it happens a *lot*. And I don't want it to happen anymore. :(

I've spoken to my therapist a lot about it. In fact I feel like that's all we ever talk about, when I would rather spend my time talking about gender or sexuality instead. I just rather I'd stop thinking the way I do, but I don't know how to. It seems like the first thing I think of when every anything bad comes up that I don't want to deal with. Which I can see as just plain stupid -- but that doesn't stop me.

I've gotten rid of my suicide kit, but, I can just as easily think about throwing myself in front of a train or a bus or something. :/ Also, I'm not on antidepressants -- I don't think I feel depressed generally -- and SSRIs/SNRIs have only seemed to cause *more* suicide ideation for me. I'd be willing to explore going back on antidepressants though?

How to support someone you are dating through tragedy

Anonymous — Thu, 06 Sep 2012 06:00:01 -0800

Dating someone who just had a friend commit suicide and has now gone to ground completely. How can I best support them now? They were already having a troubled time and weren't sure whether they could commit to dating, so I want to be supportive in a way that does not put more pressure on them around our relationship (if it still exists). I have found this situation difficult to deal with when there has been absolutely zero phone contact and so I have no idea what state they are in or what is happening. I feel like I am sitting in a complete vacuum.

We have been dating about six months and have had a lot of fun together in that time and I am very fond of them. But they would get very close and then pull back from me repeatedly, I think due to the issues going on in their life. They lost a sibling about a year ago (accidental overdose, with the anniversary of the death only weeks ago), and while they were not close, the rest of the family has needed a lot of support and has relied on them heavily.

They now just a lost a friend to suicide. Aside from one text message to say what had happened, I haven't heard from them in a week. We had been texting or calling every day before that.

The first sign that something was wrong was that they missed a date we had planned and didn't contact me. I called or messaged them a few times over the next day to find out why, but did not have my calls or messages returned. They have previously done several very flaky things around cancelling/no shows for dates, which has really hurt me.

I waited for nearly two days to see if they would contact me about the missed date. I still had no response. I thought they had done the flaky thing again. So I sent two cranky text messages, basically suggesting it was over between us (this isn't what I want, but given what has happened in the past, I didn't think I could keep dating them if this was going to keep happening). I don't normally react in an overly dramatic way like that - the other times, we talked through it calmly and honestly, but I felt frustrated and upset.

After 48 hours, I got a brief message from them saying it wasn't do to with us, but about what had happened with their friend. I don't know this particular friend. One of my friends asked whether it was possible this was someone they previously dated - it hadn't occured to me, but I suppose it is possible.

I felt horrible about the messages I sent when I found out what happened. But I had just let my guard down again and felt so hurt. Of course, in the context of their friend dying, this is now so unimportant and I feel dreadful that I just added drama such an inappropriate time. I hope they will understand, though, why I reacted like that at the time.

I responded to their message saying that I was very sorry to hear about their friend and hoped they were ok, and hoped they understood why I reacted that way. I have had no further messages from them and they have not answered or returned any of my calls since.

Their response to previous events, e.g. a stranger had a heart attack and died in front of them recently, has been to more or less disappear and be alone. I feel bad that such a lovely person has spent a year that is so focussed on tragedy.

Weeks ago they said that with what was going on in their life, they weren't completely sure about committing to a relationship (with anyone), but then started to be more engaged in our relationship again. I think it is possible that this event will tip them into a state of feeling they are not in the mental space to be dating (or dating me). I am sad about that possibility, but understand too, and just want to be there for them in whatever way would be helpful. I know that our relationship is not the important thing right now.

I have sent a few messages of support - not more than one a day. I have tried to call a few times. Should I keep sending regular messages to let them know I am thinking of them, or should I just wait a while now and give them space?

And when they do get back in contact with me (I hope), what support can I offer, either practical or in words to them? Suggestions of ways I can offer support as a friend, or reduce the pressure of what is happening in terms of us dating (or not, for I have no idea whether this is even still a possibility) would be good too.

Suicidal friend

whalebreath — Tue, 04 Sep 2012 13:57:00 -0800

I am the only one who knows that my friend is suicidal. What do I do? I'm basically his only friend, and I don't even live in the same province as him. We talk on gchat and through text. He's a great guy and we have bonded over similar experiences with depression, procrastination, etc., and he's been there to talk to during my hard and stressed out times.

But now he's severely depressed and I'm starting to feel overwhelmed with the looming possibility of him killing himself and me being the only one who knew how bad it was. I'm also out of ideas as to how to help him, and find myself growing frustrated and impatient with him when what he needs most right now is compassion and support. He's upset that I keep responding to his despair with 'it's your depression making you feel this way' but it is! He is convinced that his life is hopeless and worthless and that he will always be poor and lonely and depressed. Maybe what he needs is for me to just listen, but his thoughts are so dark and dismal that it's hard for me to just accept what he is saying without urging him to get help. He sometimes feels that seeking help is futile, but I feel like I can't be his sole support system anymore, I'm getting burnt out and terrified and I don't know what to do. I don't want to just cut him out, he's a good friend and he needs a good friend in return. I just can't take the barrage of suicidal ideation anymore. What can I do?

My long-distance best friend is depressed and suicidal. Help me help her!

luciphercolors — Fri, 31 Aug 2012 00:32:04 -0800

My extremely-gifted best friend halfway across the world was depressed and then recently diagnosed with breast cancer. Now she's nearly suicidal. I'm in over my head and I don't know what to do... We met at a study abroad last year in Amsterdam. I went back to my home in the 'States, and she (Isabella, not her real name) returned to her hometown in South America. Towards the end of her time in Amsterdam she met a local woman and the two fell madly, deeply in love, and then a few months after that Isabella's girlfriend callously dumped her. The breakup was devastating, sending Isabella deeply into depression and making her insomnia worse.

Isabella is an extraordinarily-gifted young woman, who possesses a staggering IQ, an ability to learn things abnormally quickly, and an amazingly detailed memory. She excels at chess, math, science, and tries very hard to conduct herself with integrity and sincerity. She is also fiercely independent, bored easily, scrappy, and completely atypical; growing up she was a rebel and a punk, but also heavily repressed for her intelligence, sexuality (her country is not kind to LGBT'ers), and general maverick-ness. I mention these things because she strongly distrusts psychologists (and the mental health industry in general) because of abuse she suffered at their hands when she was younger, and because she feels she is smarter than them (unfortunately, she probably is).

She lives in South America (I'd rather not say where specifically), and me in the USA. I cannot afford to see her right now and our interactions are limited to Skype and Facebook chat.

Recently Isabella was diagnosed with Stage-3 breast cancer. She's gone from manageably depressed to someone flirting with the concept of suicide. She sleeps very little due to insomnia, and when she tries to sleep she tells me she is instead haunted by the memories of her former love. She's returned to the world of drugs and goes on binges to push her body to its limits, and tells me she does so because she can, and that she can't feel anything anymore. In all things she claims to be completely honest with me, but lately when I ask her what she is putting in to her body she dodges the question -- even when I call her out on this uncharacteristically evasive behavior. I used to be able to consistently cheer her up but, now, sometimes we just end up fighting. She lives with her family but won't tell them about the cancer. She parties relentlessly (for a week straight sometimes), but seems lonely and does not have any close friendships nearby.

I feel that I am in over my head. I plan on completing some of my studies in her hometown next semester (I'm a global business management major, they want us traveling so it's not difficult to arrange), but I'm not even sure if I'll be able to afford to do that. I feel that if I could fly out and see her ASAP maybe it would lift her spirits enough to feel that she could fight this -- but I don't have any credit available to me, don't have the cash, and aborting my classes like this would cause all sorts of havoc. The only way I could see her sooner is if I sold all my possessions. All I can do is sit here and talk.

Lately, I've gone from being able to consistently cheer her up, to mostly fending off various barbs and hostility. I plead with her to be strong, and remind her that these low points don't last forever. In our argument this evening she called me selfish for pleading with her to continue treatment (she began chemo today), accusing me of "keeping her around" for me. I said I was not trying to be selfish but if she is going to accuse me of it then so be it. She immediately logged off.

I am usually very good with people, and I'm used to dealing with mopey-depressed folks (seems to run in the family) but I really feel that I am in over my head with her. I want to help her, I want her to live, I want her to be strong and fight this. She has such an incredibly bright future if she could only get there. I love her to pieces, and powerlessly watching this from a distance is incredibly painful. Her willpower seems is failing, and beneath the twin burdens of her memories and this cancer I am very afraid she is just going to give up, stop fighting, and crawl up in a little ball and die -- and that's if suicide doesn't claim her first. She needs someone for support, and I am doing my best to be that person, but it is not enough. She doesn't seem to be reaching out to many people for support.

I love Isabella dearly. Her depression is exacerbating my own mental problems, and I want her to both regain her willpower and, if possible, not treat me (or make me feel) like shit in the process (I need my willpower for fighting my own demons, which are also serious). Any advice?

Tips for interviewing with a crisis hotline

A 90s Kind of Guy — Mon, 13 Aug 2012 10:42:32 -0800

What are some great tips for interviewing for a crisis hotline? I'm interviewing for a crisis/suicide hotline volunteer position in a couple of weeks. I have no experience but I do have a degree in psychology and I have a keen interest in suicide so I know some facts, stats, etc. I'm usually horrible at interviewing but know I am better when I thoroughly prepared, so I know practice makes perfect and all that jazz. What kinds of questions do they ask? What would they like to hear? I know there is intense training involved so I doubt they would expect me to know what exactly to do in every situation beforehand.

Can Paxil make me more suicidal after only four days?

kanata — Thu, 12 Jul 2012 14:11:30 -0800

Is it common to experience a ramp up in negative thoughts after being on Paxil for just 4 days? I've been taking 20mg of Paxil at night (to work up to 40mg in 2 weeks) for the last four days. I am sleeping a lot (which is a side effect both me and my doctor wanted as I have chronic insomnia) but when awake my suicidal thoughts seem to be ramped up. Is that possible after only 4 days?

The problem is that I always have a tendancy to swing towards suicidal ideation so this may be just another spell I'm going through so I'm not sure if I should wait this out for 2 weeks or contact the doctor and tell him I'm stopping it.

Obviously if I find myself unsafe I will go to the ER and all that jazz. I am just wondering if this is a normal side effect that will fade away. Paxil is pretty much the last AD I have. I've run the gamut in 20 years and would like it to work. I've checked this out on crazymeds and they just talk about mood changes during withdrawal.

Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live -- And Other Inspirations.

reren — Sat, 30 Jun 2012 06:21:29 -0800

I'm doing research for an artistic work exploring the theme of suicide, and I seek 1) a particular recent article arguing that life is not worth living and 2) the most provocative, interesting works on suicide from artistic, philosophical, social science, journalistic, religious or medical perspectives. The article was published in the last five or ten years. I remember it beginning written in accessible language and I suspect it was penned for a lay audience, but distilled the arguments of a longer scholarly work. I don't think the philosopher was indicating an intention to kill himself, just giving an abstract justification. Does this ring a bell for anybody?

I am also interested in other sources of inspiration for our work. Presently, I don't have access to English language bookstores so recommendations of works available through the internets (including e-books) are most helpful. I've just read Kay Redfield Jamison's Night Falls Fast, which I found disappointing. I'm listening to and enjoying Shelly Kagan's lectures on death through Yale Open Course currently. I've read a bunch about David Foster Wallace's suicide but would be open to another article if it was especially enlightening. I am aware of Hamlet, but if there's another play out there I should be looking at, I'd love to hear about it. I hear Durkheim is an important thinker in this area but I'm not up for the project of reading his main work on the topic. This is a side project for me, so despite the weightiness of the subject I prefer to find a few gems I can pass along to my collaborators rather than give myself a thorough education. Have anything in mind? A great short story, a work of art, a surprising magazine article, a poem or quotation, an evolutionary theory or bold economic explanation?

Groups devoted to legalizing assisted suicide?

amro — Thu, 21 Jun 2012 14:03:54 -0800

What is the leading nonprofit organization(s) devoted to promoting legalization of assisted suicide in US states? I am specifically interested in New Jersey, but suspect that most relevant nonprofits are national. Wikipedia lists a whole bunch of them, but I would like to find the most reputable and active in working to change legislation and legalize assisted suicide for the terminally ill. I am not interested in organizations whose primary purpose is to assist individuals who want to end their lives.

How to talk with my 8-yr old about suicide?

ValveAnnex — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 10:19:26 -0800

How to talk with my 8-yr old about his older depressed cousin's suicide? They didn't know eachother very well. The older one came to visit for a holiday a few years ago, and played with my kid in the snow, etc.

My brother's family was devastated when it happened a couple of months ago. Our family is physically disconnected (long, long distances), and come together once a year.

This year, when we come together, the suicide will be brought up in conversations. But as parents, we've not explained it yet to our kid.

We plan to have that talk this weekend. What I don't want to see happen is that he'll think that being in a bad mood is depression, and talk of suicide comes up. He's sophisticated enough to know the difference, but still young enough to be naive.

I want a time machine.

puppup — Tue, 05 Jun 2012 18:55:02 -0800

It's been 3 months since my boyfriend killed himself. Just doing the basics takes so much out of me. The first month was a blur and everyone thought I was doing "exceptionally well". My tendencies are always to be very private and keep to myself. The only person I used to share my emotions with is dead. I have family but haven't been close to them in a very long time and even before never felt safe or able to share my personal life with them. Everything is very much on the surface. They were very dismissive when I spoke to them years ago about my depression and anxiety. Initially they were texting me to see how I was doing but I wasn't very responsive. The few family members that I am close to are focusing on me "moving on". And I hate hearing those words. even though they mean well. I have very few friends and I met them as a result of my boyfriends death. I feel so so sad and lonely. And alone. I would never acknowledge being lonely before didn't even think I could and can only imagine that this loneliness is part of how my boyfriend felt. I'm in therapy. And medicated. I fake it a lot. And then I come home and it all crashes in. When I do enjoy myself for a while I end up feeling even worse afterwards. And I don't know how to move forward. And not just stay under the covers. Logically my brain understands some things. But the guilt and the regret are overwhelming. I have shame over how I was in our relationship. Maybe it would be healthy to direct anger at him but all I can do is turn it inwards. I miss him. I want to stick my face in his armpit one more time. Season 4 of breaking bad is in my netflix queue and we freakin loved that show and couldn't wait. I feel like I can't do anything without thinking of him. He was such a huge part of my life and even though he isn't here he still is.

I guess I thought I would be in a better place by now. But I couldn't make it to work these last 2 days. When it happened I just said that there was a family emergency and that services were being held. And since then I've taken more days than usual. I never told my boss who died or anything. I almost did once and he quickly cut me off saying that there was no need for me to go in to detail. Some people said that I should have said something but I couldn't figure out how and now it's 3 months later.

Please give me some advice. Just do it has never worked for me. Even at the best of times I'm not exactly motivated or ambitious. Some people lose themselves in their work. I am not one of those people. How can I learn to open up to people or just ask/accept help? People say oh if you ever need anything/please let me know if there is something I can do to help you. What does that mean? And what is the appropriate way to respond when someone says some variation of cheer up/move on/get past it? I feel so hateful and ragey and want to kick everyone in the neck.

I hope this makes sense.

how does voluntary commitment work?

ADent — Tue, 05 Jun 2012 10:11:06 -0800

I am considering voluntary commitment due to a bad last couple of days with depression, but I don't know if I can afford it, what to tell my employer and what the consequences of this will be in the future. I have been struggling with depression for a while. I started therapy and anti depressants recently, and things were getting better, but yesterday I found myself in the middle of the night with a suicide note, a bottle of pills and a bottle of water next to me. I had enough presence of mind to stop what I was doing and let my SO know.

I am really scared. It's calling me and at the same time I really want to get help but I don't know how, and I don't think my SO knows how to help either. I don't think they understand how bad I'm feeling, which is fine because they have enough on their plate right now. I have left my therapist a couple of messages and I am thinking about going to a psychiatric hospital. I can't believe it has come to this. Overall the anti depressants were working fine but once in a while I get these really low points. Only this low point is not ending anytime soon, it seems.

I feel embarrassed and I don't want to make it a big deal, either, but it hurts a little that my SO is going about their life like nothing. They did tell me I should call the therapist and I think they are pretending it's not important. I understand why, though. I feel ok for half an hour and then I go back to this craziness.

I am in the US. Please tell me anything you know about going to a hospital voluntarily, or if I should stop taking the pills for a few days, or anything. I have no family or close friends here.

Suicide image came from?

cjorgensen — Wed, 30 May 2012 18:59:13 -0800

Where did this suicide image come from? Anyone know where this originated? I want to track down the creator of this image.