Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with suicide and grief

worst day at work ever or what?

nerdcore — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 00:33:12 -0800

My coworker came to work and shot himself today. I was the only person to talk to him and was one of the first people to reach him after he did it. I'm planning on speaking with the grief counselors they're bringing in tomorrow. But I'm wondering if there are any resources I should know about for people in a situation like mine, specifically: witnesses of the suicide of a coworker or friend. In case the details are relevant: they are below. My coworker, J called in from the front door (which is locked) needing to be let in. I went to open the door for him and he was visibly drunk. I asked him if he was okay, he said no and as he headed for his cubicle, I grabbed our HR person to let them know that J had just come in and didn't look good, seemed drunk. About 5 seconds later our IT guy started yelling "oh my god" and I ran over to the cubicle.

J was bleeding from his head and ear, I didn't know what it was at first, but I could smell the burning hair. Someone else called 911; I asked if we needed to check his pulse but there was a lot of blood and I was scared to touch him.

I wasn't so close with J that we hung out outside of work, but we were on the same web/technology team so I talked with him almost every day. His mom had died a few months ago and he took it pretty hard. Some of my other coworkers were closer with him, and had been reaching out to help him. I guess it was too late for that.

I keep seeing him in my head, and I can't get the memory of the smell out of my head either. If I try not to think about it, I start worrying that ignoring it is bad too, and I guess I'm just trying to figure out what is "normal" for a situation like this. I think what I'm looking for is, perhaps, some information about how others have dealt with similar experiences.

What helps after a suicide?

dbmcd — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 08:10:49 -0800

How can I help a suicide's widow? A dear friend committed suicide yesterday. My husband and I were notified by a mutual friend because the dead man thought of my husband as a friend (one of his few, I think). His partner (they never married) is staying with some closer friends for now. My question is: What can I/we do to help her? A tiny bit of background - he had struggled with depression for years, and the last time we saw him he'd been through another tough bout, he described it as his worst in years. Now his pain is gone, but hers remains.
We immediately offered to "do anything she may need". But I have the sense that kind of offer is too vague for this kind of situation. Should we call? Show up and say "How can we help?" She's got a small business and her partner used to help out quite a bit; I'm currently unemployed, so could possibly be of some use to her.
Any of you who have been in position (and my heart goes out to you) - what was the 'best' help you got? What isn't so useful.
Thanks so much for your help.

Are these feelings normal, or symptoms of depression?

alpha_betty — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 09:06:56 -0800

How do I sort out whether my feelings are due to grief, or depression, and how do I proceed after the suicide of my brother-in-law? About a month ago, I began feeling the effects of depression. Periodically throughout my life, I have had major depressive episodes (diagnosed by a physician and a psychologist separately) and I have gotten semi-used to them, so it wasn't much cause for alarm, aside from the fact that it was the first one in quite a long time.

About two weeks into my funk, my brother-in-law (remember Mike?) committed suicide. It has now been just over two weeks since he died, and I am obviously feeling a lot of things: grief for his wife and family, especially my husband, with whom he was close - and grief for Mike, for feeling that desperate and hopeless; disbelief that he did what he did and that he's really gone; guilt and regret about the feelings detailed in the linked question; and the underlying depression that I was already in the middle of.

I am not suicidal, but I feel numb. I was once on antidepressants but haven't been for about two years. My husband and I have an appointment with a counselor on Saturday, and I have purchased a book on grief to understand what I and others around me are feeling (it is en route). I am questioning whether I should go see my GP to get a prescription for antidepressants, because I am not functioning well at the moment and when I have felt like this previously, I have been extremely destructive with my life (quit my job, quit school, self-harmed, etc.). At that time, however, I was not in counseling or therapy. I know it's normal to have a period of grief after a death, but I don't know where the line is drawn as far as normal vs. needing extra help. This is my first experience with death.

So how do I determine whether my feelings and emotions are cause for intensive treatment, or if it's a normal grief experience?

(My husband, for his part, seems to be coping better than I, but I believe that he is looking forward to counseling, as well.)

I am crazy. Help.

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 07:53:52 -0800

Help me design a multi-pronged approach to dealing with longstanding depression/grief/craziness. Anonymous so I can be more explicit about my psychiatric history.

I've had depression since I was about 12. I am now 30, female, good marriage. I have had periods of remission, but things have generally gotten worse. I don't want to end up dead.

I have a family history of suicide. There are a few different possibilities for my diagnosis: dysthymia, double depression, major depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, or any combination of these. My most common symptoms are periods of extreme procrastination and paralysis, suicidal thoughts, crying, utter hopelessness. I am at college and having a complete bitch of a time getting anything done. I also work a "real job" and I often feel that I am not all there, mentally. I am spacey, have poor memory and concentration, and am often paralyzed with anxiety. My performance seems to be okay (people often have trouble understanding how I can have such serious problems when my performance seems to be acceptable) but I know that I am working far, far, far below my potential. And I feel like utter shit most of the time. I use the internet compulsively and excessively when feeling anxious. I have very low energy (I know how to eat well, and exercise makes me more sleepy, but I do it.)

I have tried the following medications: Effexor, Wellbutrin, Risperdal, Celexa. Also zopiclone for insomnia. I was on the first four in various combinations for six years, and I felt like they did nothing for my mood, merely gave me side-effects (sleepiness, no sex drive.) I gradually weened off (a hellish process) and I have little faith that drugs can help me. But I am, of course, willing to try anything. I've read books (Feeling Good, Learned Optimism, a lot of others about depression, procrastination, etc.)

I have a history of grief. I've had many family members and friends die, starting from a very young age. Thankfully, no first-degree relatives (mom dad or sib), but most have been close second-degree relatives. The suicides have especially wrecked me. The latest one was pretty recent. I also have experienced some emotionally abusive relationships, and have trauma from sexual harassment. I have very little money and may soon be laid off.

I have a couple close friends, but I do not go to them much for support with this. I am embarrassed by my troubles. I don't talk much about it with my family, though they are also aware of my history. I had several not-very-serious suicide attempts in my teens/early 20s, but none recently. I really don't want to end up like my other family members who have suicided, but I feel in my gut that is where I'm headed.

I see a therapist pretty regularly. We do CBT and work on practical stuff. I have a Dr. appointment this morning, and had one a few weeks ago as well for the depression, because I need sick notes for missed obligations at school. The doctor says I need to be back on meds. I have been given a list of other therapeutic resources to access that include Dr.s who specialize in anxiety, and gestalt therapists.

This is a very complex problem that has not been adequately addressed...ever. I was in therapy for a long time, starting when I was 16. I did interpersonal and CBT. The last psychiatrist who assessed me said I may benefit from psychodynamic approaches, but I am not sure which ones.

Really, I feel like I need to take the reins here. Despite all the professionals I have seen, I feel like none of them have good answers to give me, even the nice and helpful ones. I am sick of struggling to function day-to-day and never knowing when an episode of major depression will hit and totally fuck everything in my life up. I am angry, hopeless, and full of grief. I don't understand how people keep living when life is so consistently horrific. I look at my friends who are able to have a career + friends + hobbies + family, and I am totally dumbfounded. Is that how normal people live? Can I do that too?

I need to do something. I have to design some kind of therapy regimen. Please help me with this.

Things I think I need: grief counselling, esp for suicide survivors, perhaps some kind of schema therapy, or gestalt, or maybe DBT. I've done a bit of research on these methods, but am really confused. I've also researched medications a bit (in the past) and am at a loss for what to do now. Which therapies and medications are best for what? I feel like I cannot get a straight answer from my docs.

If you can give me some ideas for a more intense, multi-pronged regimen I can try, and give me specific names/resources I can contact in Toronto, I would really really appreciate it.

How do you cope with the public loss of a close relation?

geckoinpdx — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 11:57:25 -0800

I've been debating for two weeks now but this question finally made my decision for me. I finally got around to seeing The Bridge. Bonus points for anyone who's seen it. This is a little long...I am Very Much Not OK now. [mods, if this is an inappropriate use of a question, feel free to delete, but I needed to at least try]

First off, I do have a therapist appointment. I'm not looking for a free therapy session, nor am I attempting to attention whore for condolences or sympathy. I Already Have My Own Fricking Blog.

Second, I am more than a little confused, so I am sorry if this rambles. I do have a point, and hopefully an answerable question.

OK. I grew up in and around San Francisco, and it's an unspoken fact of life that the bridge represents two things: tourists and suicides. That's just how it is.

Death and suicide don't bother me, actually they somewhat fascinate me. I was a psych major with an emphasis on thanatology. I knew about the film and had intended to see it for a long time but it was always in the list. A friend of mine had just happened to have rented it the day I went over so we watched.

It was pretty much what I expected. It seemed rather exploitative and I'm not sure they needed to show the actual deaths, but that's another topic. As I watched, something else was bothering me but I couldn't quite place it. A familiarity, an unease, something subtle and very uncomfortable. It wasn't until the very last scene, when the "star", if you like, made the final leap, and they listed the names of the dead. Then it hit me like a lead brick.

Gene Sprague.

They'd been showing him and talking about him throughout the entire film, but somehow I refused to make the connection. When I finally saw the name, yes, it really was him, it clicked.

For several years, Gene Sprague was my best friend.

We'd lost contact over the years, and hadn't been super-tight but every time I went back home he was at the usual haunts, we'd catch up and it was like nothing had changed.

It's a case of not knowing what you have until it's gone; I hadn't fully realised how much of an impact he had on me until I watched him die. It also didn't help that against my better judgment I later poked around the net and read message boards and posts about him and the film and was surprised at some of the reactions I found. 'Typical goth'? This guy, neither typical nor goth, is the only one out of a rather sizeable group of friends that took it upon themselves to take care of me when I had a breakdown. He was fucked up, obviously, but there was so much more to him than anyone who didn't know him could realise.

The reason for posting, I guess, is perspective. As I said, death and so forth does not bother me; it's a fact of life. I have watched more than a few people die. I have lost a fair number of close friends. A few to suicide. But this...this is different for some reason.

I can't describe what I'm feeling; it's all-encompassing anger and rage and pain and intense sadness and numbness and happiness and lots of other simultaneous things. I can't concentrate on much, it comes up roughly every ten minutes. I don't remember hurting quite like this ever before. At the same time, I am fascinated by my own reaction.

I'm able to function, of course, and I will be talking to a professional about this in the near future, but the statement that keeps popping up in the back of my head is this: I watched one of the best friends I ever had kill himself, and paid admission to see it.

I am autistic. Professionally diagnosed, not armchair, to spare that particular can of worms. Things don't affect me like they seem to do most other people. At the risk of getting all Star Trek "show me this Earth thing you call grief", is this what most people feel when confronted with a similar loss? Is this what the big deal is?

Grief...depression...both? Now what?

Soulbee — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 11:55:35 -0800

How to deal with long grief leading into depression? I lost my boyfriend last year in a very sudden, very horrifying suicide. (there are links in my post about it last year if you're a trainwreck gaper like i am...) I'm in weekly therapy with a great therapist. I see a great psychiatrist monthly. I am on two antidepressants that don't seem to be doing much for me but I can't really tell, because am I depressed or am I still grieving? I just can't seem to get past it. Not a little bit. Not even at all. I have a history of dissociating unwanted emotions, but I feel this experience has ripped me open and I can't ignore anything that causes me pain now. And I can't stop thinking about him and what happened and why did it happen and should I have known, could I have guessed, is there anything I could have done, is there anything anyone could have done, how long was he planning it, why did he do it the way he did, what was he thinking WHAT WAS HE THINKING etc etc etc. Logically I have some answers to all these questions. But emotionally....my heart just ain't buying what my brain's selling. I feel like I'm getting punched in the gut forty times a day when i think about him.
I've managed to hold on to my job through this, and even had the best quarter ever, in the three months following his death. But everything else just seems....basically impossible. My friends have been less than supportive I have to say, but I haven't made much efforts to hold on to them, either. I bought an exercise bike so i could get some sweat going even though i hate leaving my apartment when i don't have to. i haven't done dishes in more than a month, and i haven't vacuumed once since i moved in here, in november of last year. i was paying the teenager downstairs to clean for me periodically, but i can't afford that now, and she's in college anyway, and I can't have a stranger in my house. i don't do any of the things i like to do; i was keeping up with photography for awhile but even that's by the wayside for the last 2 months...
OK my questions. I've asked these of my professionals, but I want a hivemind opinion:
1) I'm depressed....but is it chemical? People who understand tell me, but it's only been a year since your boyfriend __________ (insert horrible manner of self-inflicted death here), it's understandable you're struggling.... but can it be fixed? I figure the AD's are doing something....but it doesn't feel like enough...
2) Maybe no one can answer this....but....i long to know....how can i come to accept the unacceptable? There are no answers to the questions i have surrounding this loss...but new ones keep cropping up, obsessing me for days, spurred by things i read, things i see on TV, things i dream. the death of DFW last weekend was catastrophic for me in more ways than one.
3) I have started to think towards my future, acknowledging I can't stay in this safe, comfortable, well paying job that i HATE forever...I've stayed because I just couldn't handle another change....but it can't last forever, because I'm losing my ability to "embrace the suck" that is my day to day work. (it's not my coworkers, or anything against the job, i just....it's not what i thought i'd be doing with my life, and i cant' stay here forever)....but it feels impossible to make plans to do something that requires me to be really functional and presentable human when i feel like i'm so NONFUNCTIONAL and unpresentable. i never know what's going to pop out of my mouth. i can't even FATHOM the energy it would take to clean out my car let alone my house. Let alone successfully study for the GREs...and decide what I want to do with my life.
i've been waiting for more than a year now for some light to return to my life, but despite my best efforts it's just not happening. what do i need? more therapy? a swift kick to the head? what worked for you if you were in this kind of confusing black hole?

sorry for the length, thanks in advance for any answers.