Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with suicide and family

Grieving vs. Working

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 10:21:14 -0800

I just got back to work after taking a week for the holidays, which is apparently a big no-no at my job because this is an insanely busy time for the office. My boyfriend and I just learned that his best friend committed suicide last night. I'd like to take off [more] work but I don't know how to tell my colleagues what's going on without sounding manipulative or lazy. I like my colleagues, but we're not terribly close--I'm new, and the only remaining person in my specific field after a series of lay offs, so when I'm gone the entire project stalls until I return. Out of maybe 20 people in the office, only one other person took time off for the holidays. A week of unpaid holiday vacation was a stipulation that I made when I was hired (I only get to see my family once a year), but the people who OK'd my vacation were subsequently laid off. When the time came around to remind my new superiors that, uh, I'd already bought plane tickets, I could tell they weren't happy. I worked double the week before and then worked remotely from home so we didn't lose any progress. With the economy the way it's going, I'm still worried that this ill-timed vacation doesn't reflect well on my work ethic. So now I'm back from my trip and faced with this terrible news. What's worse, the days leading up to New Year's are very very busy for our office, and after a lot of lay offs this season, we're especially strapped for manpower. Everyone's hunkering down and working 13-14 hours a day up until Wednesday evening.

Naturally, this event totally blindsided everyone in our circle of friends. I need to be there, especially for my boyfriend, who was closest to our friend and is simply devastated by her death, but I don't know how to convey the severity of the situation without blurting out the barest details of the grisly situation. If I knew everyone better, this wouldn't be a problem, but I'm worried the admission will just seem manipulative or overly personal. If I cite a vague "family emergency" I'll sound like a college student who wants to get out of writing a paper.

What's the best way to phrase this to a superior who's already a little peeved that I was gone last week? New Year's tasks are always rolling in, so I can't assure him this time that I'll work double today and tomorrow so I can take off Wednesday to console my boyfriend and attend the funeral.

Thanks in advance for your help. I'm still in shock and haven't dealt properly with the emotional aspects of this news, but it would be great to work out an arrangement that allows me to focus on grieving instead of worrying that I'll lose my job during the recession.

How do I discreetly research a family member's suicide?

desjardins — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 17:24:15 -0800

Earlier this year, my cousin shot himself. I'd been estranged from him for several years, but we used to be close. How do I go about getting information about his death and about the last few years of his life? The story I heard from a relative was that he'd been drifting from state to state the last few years, got married a few months before his death, and shot himself while the SWAT team had his house surrounded. I wouldn't trust anyone in that family to tell me the truth about the weather, let alone something so dramatic. There are especially a lot of lies surrounding this particular person; he became the scapegoat for other evils in his family.

I would like to know: how he died (if in fact it was a self-inflicted gunshot - there were family rumors that he was shot by the police). Were there any drugs in his system? What was he up to the last few years? Did he really join the military? Did he ever get his GED or graduate from high school? What happened to the house he inherited from his parents? The last time I remember speaking to him was 2002.

I have searched his local papers online (he was born and died in Louisiana). There were no news stories online about his death (so, probably not shot by the cops), and his obituary was very generic and didn't mention suicide. He had a personal ad online from prior to his marriage, and a couple other blank profiles on various sites. He was not technologically adept and I don't expect to find some secret blog or personal web site.

I do not want anyone in my family (especially his wife, to whom I've never even spoken) to find out that I am looking for information. There are family members who feel he deserved his end (!!!!) and I really don't want any more drama. This has absolutely nothing to do with money, vengeance, or righteousness. I just want to know the unvarnished truth.

An older member of my family is hinting at suicide.

Anonymous — Sun, 13 Aug 2006 19:06:43 -0800

An older member of my family is hinting at suicide. I don't believe there is an immediate risk today or tomorrow but it's been hinted at very clearly, more than once, that suicide has been considered. I don't want to pick the comments apart here, let's just say I believe this is a credible threat, given this family member's general depression and defeatist attitude toward life.

I discovered a book about assisted suicide techniques in the house, for example. When I asked her about it, she brushed it off as wanting to be prepared in the event of a wasting disease, etc. However the book was dog-eared and filled with handwritten notes. Very unsettling.

Here's my question: what do I do about it?

There are lots of things I can do to brighten her day and make her life more worth living, but I'm also thinking that this should be treated directly as a mental health concern as well. You can't prevent someone's suicide by just bringing them flowers and telling them jokes. It seems like some kind of treatment or intervention is called for. What are the options?

Compounding the problem is that this person is notoriously impossible to bring before any kind of health practicioner. Will only see a doctor when absolutely necessary, utterly refuses things like massage...

She is also notoriously clammed-up about her own personal issues and refuses to talk about family issues with me. I think it's incredibly unlikely that she would consider seeing a counselor.

Let me repeat that: it's incredibly unlikely that she would willingly consider seeing a counselor

She's middle-aged, fwiw.

So what can I do? How do you "get" someone into counselling? Are there resources I can consult or tactics I can use? Anybody been through this?

Private responses can be sent to suicidequestion@gmail.com

Help My Brother

Coffeemate — Thu, 29 Jul 2004 11:22:54 -0800

Help save my brother's life. [more inside] My 19-year-old brother is blowing every chance he gets to do things right. He was a senior in high school last year taking all his classes at the local college through a PSEO program. First semester he got B’s and D’s, second semester he stopped going to class and failed every one. Because he didn’t pass an English class, he didn’t graduate from high school in May. He was given the chance to do an English course through independent study; his work was due today. Our parents asked him if he’d turned it in and he said, “yes,” but when my mom called the teacher she found that nothing had been done all summer.

He attempted suicide in May when our parents found out that he wouldn’t graduate from high school, and I fear he will do it again if pushed too hard about this most recent setback. He is angry and verbally abusive towards my mother. Any time she asks him a question he flies off the handle and screams at her. My parents are incredibly angry and hurt that he lied to them again and doesn’t seem to understand the consequences.

He had been accepted to Iowa State for this fall and is excited to go, but without his high school diploma he can’t go to college. He is brilliant but seems completely unmotivated to do anything but lurk in the basement and play video games. What can be done to help him?