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Is the chest pain I've been experiencing directly related to stress and anxiety? If so, how can I alleviate some of the discomfort and put my mind at ease?

Tenacious.Me.Tokyo — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 07:20:36 -0800

Is the chest pain I've been experiencing directly related to stress and anxiety? If so, how can I alleviate some of the discomfort and put my mind at ease? For the past 3 or 4 months I've been experiencing sharp pains in the middle/left of my chest. These pains often come without warning, last for for a few seconds to several minutes, and are sometimes accompanied by numbness and moderate pain in my left arm.

For several weeks I feared the worst. About a month ago I had a VERY jarring, sudden tugging sensation and sharp pain in the middle of my chest. I went to the emergency room and had an EKG, x-ray, blood work, etc. The doctor ruled out a heart problem based on the test results, but wouldn't give a firm diagnosis based on the numerous possible causes.

I'm 33 years-old and quit smoking immediately after my hospital visit. I am in reasonably good shape and maintain an average diet. The chest pains subsided for a while, but have recently returned. Every time I experience this I have a gripping fear that I'm experiencing a heart attack or have some kind of serious heart condition.

I have been under quit a bit of stress over the past several months (pregnant wife, birth of first child, promotion at work, studying for a course) and am somewhat convinced that this may be where the problem lies. I never seem to realize that I'm under stress until I reflect on it when I'm more relaxed months later. Am I OK? What are some tried and true methods by which to relieve anxiety?

Messy question from a person who is a mess

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 13:03:54 -0800

Please help me make a decision. I am exhausted and stressed and maybe I am not thinking clearly. A friend gave me Adderall. Should I take some? Basically, I have been working very long hours (12-14 a day) without any time off (including weekends) for a couple of months. Long story short, worst semester of law school yet. I have three days before yet another exam and I am so tired and unprepared. I can't make myself do any work, and I really need to do this work.

Con side, I do not have a diagnosis, nor am i totally convinced that ADD is a "thing" or a thing that we can reliably diagnose. I am not trying to be insulting, sincerely, but I am ignorant and my ignorance makes me skeptical. Especially because I feel like it's cheating to declare that I'm not undisciplined, weak, lazy, spoiled, and so on, just "ill." Maybe some people are, but not me. I am pretty sure I'm just those things I listed.

Another con is that I don't even feel totally comfortable taking Advil... I have an irrational fear of pills. This sounds silly to me. We're taking about a 5 mg pill. I think that's the lowest available dose. But it still freaks me out.

I also fear that it either won't do anything or will be revelatory and life-changing and boom: dependency.

On the pro side, my three days to study are now 2.5 and I've made very very little progress. I also have been struggling for such a long time with what I think could fairly be characterized as a total inability to focus... part of me wonders if it really is "cheating" to take a drug that helps with that. Isn't that just a character flaw? But what if it's not? I don't know.

I think maybe this is a ridiculous question. I apologize. I'm probably just being ridiculous because I'm so tired, and so stressed, and feel so bad about how little I am able to do, and I feel like this is maybe me being tempted to do the wrong thing.

So here I am in the library surrounded by people who are sitting there doing work for minutes and hours at a time. It makes me feel inadequate and ashamed. The bottom line is I need to get my work done. I don't know what to do. I do not feel like I am thinking straight at this point. Please share your wisdom with me.

Let's be friends, not roomies.

wild like kudzu — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 12:40:14 -0800

So, I want to move out of my apartment. I'm going to try to do things right, and I'm not trying to screw over my roommate (we have about 4 months left on the lease). It's a somewhat delicate situation, unfortunately there is (a lot) more inside... (sorry!) For anyone who has followed my posts regarding roommate drama, you'll know that I've had difficulty communicating with my roommate since we moved in. We fight once every month or once every other month. Usually it's over something incredibly minor, and it usually results in me getting a prolonged silent treatment from the dear roomie, regardless of the issue.

So... I feel like I've grown up a lot. I have tried to let every annoyance and inconvenience go that I possibly can. That's not to say that I forgot about them, but I've really tried hard to just deal with them on my own and not make them into a big deal because I just can't handle the way she talks to me when we discuss anything important. She usually raises her voice, and has been known to slam doors and then avoid me. It's all a big hassle, so I try to just let things go.

Well, that tactic has worked in that there have not been any significant arguments in a while, and on the face of things we seem to be getting along fine...

Except that there is a difference this time around. Usually I just apologize profusely for anything I could have possibly done wrong and try to get back on better terms. I'm still being nice, but this time something inside of me has shifted. I'm no longer worried about what she thinks of me, but I've become increasingly frustrated by the lack of respect she treats me and our apartment and things with.

I'm not writing this post to try to demonize her, just to explain that we're simply not getting along. I'd love to sit down and hash everything out with her, but according to her everything is always "fine". Well, fine it may be, but in the long run our relationship has become really unfair and one-sided. I do all the work, she does all the partying. I buy all the household supplies, she uses them. She leaves her stuff wherever, and I keep the apartment tidy.

I just feel... it's unfair. I feel like my efforts are wasted, that no one appreciates the work I've done, and when I've asked her for help with these things it never ends up happening and usually results in a stupid tiff that drives me batsh*t crazy with anxiety. Basically, I think I give up.

So, that being said, here's the meat of my question:

I have friends who have an open room in their house. I've known both of them for a while, and they've been living with each other for about 3 months. Since before they moved in, they asked me to live with them. I would love to. Their house is an upgrade in just about every way (about $150 cheaper a month, closer to school, they're both students so they keep hours more like mine (I go to bed at 11 and up at 8, my roommate goes to bed at 5 or 6 AM and wakes up around 4pm), there's a washer and dryer, it's prettier... the list goes on) and it seems perfect. I had been planning on waiting till our lease was up in April to move in with them, but as time has passed I've realized I don't think my situation here is going to improve much.

So, that being said, my roommate's best friend just broke up with her boyfriend and moved out of their apartment. She's right now crashing with friends, looking for a place to live.

I thought, "perfect!" because the timing could work out just exactly right. I could move within the month, and her best friend could take my place.

So.... given that my roommate is prone to fits of anger and can be incredibly sensitive when it comes to interpersonal discussion, I'd like to break the news in a peaceful and kind-hearted way.

It would seem that everything would fit together so perfectly, but I'm afraid that my roommate's recent disagreements with her friend may dissuade her from this change.

So I'm thinking that I should just say "Hey, I think I've come up with a solution to your friend's current living situation. My friends have a great room available for me, and the new place would be easier to afford and more convenient for me anyhow. Since I've paid December rent, I'm going to start working towards moving out by January 1st, and find someone to take my room. It seems perfect that your friend would move in, but if that's not to your liking I will put an ad on craigslist and start interviewing people"

I'm worried that, A, she's going to be upset. I don't want to be mean, just to make my life a little more livable. I'm also worried that if she doesn't want to live with her friend it's going to become a huge, drawn-out process of looking for a roommate-- I'm afraid that every potential roomie will be shot down, and I'll end up paying the rent for months.

I really don't want to lose her as a friend, but it doesn't seem that I can really avoid it.

Ugh. Any advice? Thanks for reading!

How to avoid Christmas stress

stenoboy — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 14:10:16 -0800

What are your tips for deflecting the fake bonhomie and good cheer of Christmas and emerging from the experience unscathed? Given my nature tends to default towards the cynical and a bit grumpy, Christmas can be a bit of a trial. This year I've decided to do the absolute minimum required so as not to be rude or become an outcast, but I still find the whole Christmas experience depressing and empty. This is not because I had awful Christmases as a child or anything - quite the opposite: full of love and good times - but now that I'm older, I find the whole inevitability and inability to get away from it quite confining.

I've opted to work this year to get away from it even more, but it's the whole countdown and "buy! buy! buy!" aspect of the whole thing that I want to NOT get me down this year. I want to get to January 1st and have a smile on my face instead of a frown.

Any other Christmas dislikers out there with some good ideas?

Anxiety and unexplained pain?

Kosh — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 19:22:48 -0800

Seeing my doctor for this (again) on Monday, but in the meantime, YANMD filter: recurring, infrequent abdominal discomfort on the right side, roughly above the pelvic area, that correlates with times of stress in my life. Anyone experience anything like this, and if so, what did you do about it? Since April, I have experienced an infrequent-but-recurring tightness/pain in my abdomen, right side. The pain itself is rarely more than "mild," and often it only manifests as a feeling of tightness or tension. And this itself is the only symptom. I've had no issues with bowel movements, no fever, no change in appetite (other than that brought on by the concomitant anxiety), no rebound tenderness, no pain when coughing/sneezing, no difficulty walking, etc. A CT scan back in August confirmed that all the internal organs in the scan area, including my appendix, were normal. No evidence of hernia, either. It appears to be at least somewhat muscle-related, because I've triggered it via working out before (specifically while doing machine leg curls), but it flares up sometimes even during periods where I haven't been working out or even doing anything physically strenuous at all. I have had surgery in the area (about ten years ago), so I'm aware of the possibility of scar tissue causing problems, but I don't know why it would take so long to start getting irritated. The "episodes" usually last a few days to a week, and, again, seem to correlate with times in my life where I'm feeling really stressed. (It does not respond to any OTC pain medication; I was given Vicodin for it once when it started, and that took away the pain but the feeling of tension remained.)

Naturally, having any sort of pain in this area causes me a lot of anxiety. I have some meds and relaxation techniques that help with the anxiety, but once it escalates past a certain level, I have a really hard time accepting that I'm probably okay, and that if it were something life-threatening it probably would've shown up on any of the myriad tests that have been run on me since it started, or at the very least it probably would have escalated. The anxiety has a way of intensifying the discomfort, and the cycle takes off from there.

So, I guess what I'm looking for here is not so much medical advice but experiences. I think that the thing that makes this so hard for me is not really knowing what it is, even though I can be reasonably confident as to what it isn't. How common is it to have recurring physical comfort that seems to be tied to stress? What do you do about it? How do you deal with the anxiety you have over it, if any?

For what it's worth, I'm a 28-year-old male, a bit overweight but otherwise no issues.

How can I stop freaking out over timed LSAT games?

AAAAAThatsFiveAs — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 10:49:41 -0800

The LSAT is next week and my games section is abysmal. I know it's a psychological thing. What do you recommend? Hello Hive,

I've been doing self-study since the beginning of October with the PowerScore books and scads of real LSATs. My diagnostic was pretty middling (low 150's), though I've inched my way up to the mid 160's.

Games... There's just something about the timer running in the background that causes me to panic. But when I review the games afterward, I have *substantially* less difficulty and everything seems to click. To give you a typical example, I only managed to complete 1.5 games on the last timed practice exam. Reviewing them a few hours later, they seemed jaw-droppingly simple, and I solved them all within thirty minutes. Untimed games are usually a breezy affair, though the occasional bastardly one crops up.

Has anyone had this problem? If so, how did you conquer it? Should I focus exclusively on untimed games? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

My brain is broken.

relucent — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:25:52 -0800

I think I may have a thyroid disorder. What now? Details inside. 25-year-old healthy white male. No medical history to speak of.

For the past five months, I have gradually lost my ability to concentrate or focus on anything for more than a few minutes at a time. (I have always been prone to distraction, but not like this.) My ability to process information has decreased, and I am constantly in a state of what can only be described as "brain fog".

I used to be quick-witted, but now I often will forget what I'm saying in the middle of a sentence. My conversational skills have tanked. I write a lot, but I go back and read the things I've written recently and they lack the clarity and cohesiveness that I used to have. I also fidget constantly. If I'm sitting at my desk, my leg is shaking almost 100% of the time. I am frustrated to no end with all of this.

The start of it coincided with a stressful project at work over the summer which lasted about 2 months. We also moved to a new city in October for my wife to take a job, and I am now working from home after being in an office environment for the past three years. So there were the factors of stress and and a big lifestyle change that could have contributed. It may be worth pointing out that I probably do not get as much exercise as I should, but I have recently started running a few times a week and it hasn't helped a bit. I also quit drinking coffee, but no help there either.

Most of these symptoms are indicative of a thyroid disorder of some sort (probably hypothyroidism). Both of my parents have had a history of minor thyroid problems so this would not be unprecedented, though they were both over 40 when they had their issues, so 25 is awfully young.

So I think I have a problem and I think I may know what it is. I'm scheduling my yearly physical in the next couple of days, and will see if I can get some tests done. (I am terrified that they won't find anything. The worst thing I could hear is that I don't have a problem.) But is there anything else I can do in the mean time? Any other steps I should be taking?

I know self-diagnosis is a dangerous thing, and I know hypothyroidism is an easy scapegoat for life failures. But I don't have anything to blame on it... I'm not overweight and I haven't really failed at anything. My work performance has actually been excellent despite all of this. I just can't think.

If I could grow my hair through a Space Echo, the world would be a better place.

setanor — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 11:19:35 -0800

Help me understand why I am losing hair! YANMD, of course, but I do wish you were. I'll start from the beginning. For reference, i'm a 25 year old male, moderately active (a lot of walking), social drinker, no smoking, no drug use, maybe 2 americanos a day, tops.

About 8 months ago, I was conditioning in the shower and noticed a whole bunch of hair had come out of my head and was all over my hands, something that had never really happened before. This was at the start of a 6 month transition period without health insurance, so I was more or less on my own... So, I was, for sure under a bit of stress at the time, not much more than before in my life, but around the start of this there were a few things that were particularly stressful.

For the next several months, if I were to run my hands through my hair, I would usually come out with 3 or 4 hairs in my hands at any given point. Showering, the amount of hairs coming out would be higher, as I imagine the water makes the hairs have traction on the hands and they stick much easier.

Because of this, I've been more or less terrified of showers for the past several months, being excessively gentle after a life of vigorous lathering, because seeing so much hair on my hands every time I shower is a sickening thing to deal with.

A month and a half ago, I was able to see a doctor, who ran through the possibilites: normal pattern baldness/hair loss, iron deficiency, dermatological malady, something stress related, or some combination of more than one of those. She ordered a blood test, and things went on as normal. I would say now that my hair is definitely noticeably thinner, but not to the point I would expect given the amount of hairs that have come out.

Yesterday, I returned to the doctor as I hadn't been made aware of the results of the blood test. The first thing the doctor said was "if it's a slight iron deficiency, that might be the easiest thing to fix" and then I found out that, in fact and in his words, the results were "normal, better than normal, really" whatever that might mean. It was at this point that he decided to look at my scalp.

What he found, apparently, was a lot of yellowish scaliness in some regard, not scaly as in hard and scaly, but... I don't know, I didn't see it. He didn't seem too taken aback. I mentioned that it might be that I had been showering so lightly over the past several months that my scalp hadn't been exfoliated, but he more or less dismissed this as a cause. I left with a prescription for Stieprox shampoo, a recommendation to get "Stress Tabs" or an equivalent and a follow-up appointment in a month.

So, I showered this morning with the Stieprox for the first time, and I made sure to be vigorous, which made me incredibly nervous, and sure enough, a bunch of hair came out - much more than normal, which I am sure was not helped by the fact I was so nervous about it...

What are my questions? I'm not sure. Should I keep using the Stieprox? I realize that these hairs in the shower that come out aren't coming out because of the shower - they were already loose enough/out of the roots that they would come out anyway, they just happen to depart all at once at that time. My original thought was that this was telogen effluvium, but I know that this usually resolves within 6 months or so, and the pace at which my hair comes out hasn't really seemed to have changed. At the same time, I've noticed that my hairline has sunken a bit over the temples, something which could otherwise be quite normal, if it weren't for the hair coming out everywhere else...

I don't know, really. What questions should I be asking? My priority, as I see it, is to worry about it little enough that it doesn't make me stressed or bothered, which I can do most of the time, save for when it's time for a shower, or when I hit my head or brush my hear on something and I fear it's all about to fall out like a tree in autumn.

Thanks for all your help.

This anxiety is obnoxious.

Anonymous — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 08:46:21 -0800

I'm stressed. Frequently. It seems like it's always to do with interactions with friends and lovers, but it's dragging me down. I would love to be able to let go of this anxiety-- the need to analyze every interaction, every word spoken and minor gesture-- and to allow people to distance themselves from me. It seems as though at the first sign (no matter how minuscule) of someone close to me acting strangely I automatically revert to this weepy puddle of all-consuming worry.

Sometimes the refrain in my head is "What did I do wrong?" but recently I've been able to ask myself this question and answer it honestly without dwelling any more. So... why am I still such a stress case about weird "vibes" that I pick up from my friends? I want to allow people to feel however they want and to speak to me only when they want to, but I feel I know them so well that I can tell when they are acting weird.

I'm not sure what to do, but I need to get a handle on it because it's driving me crazy.

How can I let go and allow people to dislike me?

Mom at her wit's end / Therapy in San Diego

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:49:55 -0800

My mom has always had high anxiety, been prone to fear and pessimism, and has tended to focus on her fears in a very repetitive, verbal way that is often tiring to those around her. Her situation has worsened recently for several reasons. I want to help her find help. This question is both about therapy in general and for recommendations in San Diego in particular. I've been thinking about writing this question to metafilter for several months. This was pushed over the edge this morning when, upon arriving to visit for thanksgiving, my mom opened the floodgates to me, telling me that she now wants to finally take antidepressants after resisting for many years. I told her that I'd like her to at least consider trying alternatives beforehand, particularly cognitive behavioral therapy and meditation techniques, as I (and in the case of the latter, her former therapist) have been encouraging her to for many years. I think both of these hold a lot of potential, as her current method for coping with stress largely involves focusing an incredible amount of mental activity on the problem, usually spinning it out to catastrophic fantasies, and telling stories about both the facts of the situation and her imagined scenarios repeatedly to family members, friends, etc. She seems open to cognitive behavioral, but is skeptical about meditation, as she thinks it is useless because she can't stop thinking when she tries to meditate. When I tell her that is exactly WHY she should keep trying, she gives me a tired look. Part of the problem here, really intertwined with all of the problems I'm talking about, is that I know my mom is a perfectionist and cannot stand the thought of failing at anything. She'd usually rather not try.

I love my mom deeply and don't want to understate my empathy. In the past, it seemed that she had a tendency towards what some call "destructive emotions," forming perceived rivalries with co-workers, losing friends and allies (professionally and personally) through acts that she (often understandably) perceived as deeds based on good principle, and being constantly hurt and dismayed through these processes. It's one thing to be stubborn, quite another to be stubborn AND insecure about people's perceptions of you at the same time.

Recently events have pushed her stress to a boiling point. Her brother died last year at 61 years old of lymphoma. Even though she was never very emotionally close to him, and in fact considered him worth a large part of the blame for the development of her insecurities (he really wasn't a very nice brother when they were young, in terms of self-esteem - putting her down, excluding her, etc.), she says that she still cannot stop thinking about her grief, primarily because she cannot accept that she will never speak to him again. These events have also combined with the condition of my 91-year-old grandmother, living in a condominium in Florida, who seems to perhaps be finally entering a real cognitive senescence, probably not coincidentally as her friends and other points of social contact progressively die and move away. My mom feels great guilt at leaving grandma out there, does not know if she can afford to take her in, and is disturbed by some dementia-like events, such as grandma becoming convinced that her son's (my mom's brother's) body was misplaced and that he is somewhere other than his grave.

I almost hesitate to even describe the next. About two weeks ago, my mom found my dad nursing a bottle of vodka in the garage. He had apparently been going like that (not every night, but consistently) for 2-3 years. Dad called me and my brother to tell us he had a problem, but has insisted to mom that he resolve this on his own, in private. In general, dad is not very emotive (this is largely due to his having a very abusive father), which does make he and my mom an odd couple in many ways. I do not agree with his method and plan to talk with him about possibilities such as AA, as I take his alcoholism to be related to a self-isolation that he should deal with more head-on (an issue perhaps worth its own mefi question, but not just yet.) In the meantime, mom also tells me that my life choices have been grieving her. In particular, as a PhD student, I have taken up field research on the US-Mexico border. Suffice to say for now that I think I have taken the right precautions, but she thinks the whole endeavor is unnecessary, that I am naive, and that it is appropriate on her part to respond by staying up at night worrying about me. Regardless of the impact of each of these individual factors, she tells me that she can barely get to sleep at night these days, and she shows many signs of fatigue and emotional fraying.

Now that I have aired an incredible amount of dirty laundry: do people think that I am right to suggest that she try other things before antidepressants? My main issue is that I see a coping problem. I think my mom is deeply, problematically "in her own head," and that if she could spend time with someone skilled at disassembling her kneejerk emotional pathways, that maybe she could begin to deal with her problems differently, find more empathy with others, take solace in what she has, and not dedicate so much mental energy to catastrophizing. She has always been an extremely high-stress person; she has also alienated herself from people, for as long as I can remember, due to her way of turning social interactions into a forum for a sort of firehose-let-me-tell-you-about-all-my-problems activity. (Her immediate family members deal with this differently. She considers me the only one who consistently listens and actively talks with her about it. My dad and brother both tell me that they frequently tune out because they feel unable to grapple with all of it.) It seems to me that this is about more than antidepressants, and that if she took more time to step outside her normal pathways of mental storytelling, maybe she could gain perspective and deal with these things differently.

So, depending on your answer to the question about antidepressants, I wonder if anyone has advice on therapists in the San Diego area who might be good for this situation, whether because they specialize in cognitive behavioral therapy, work on mindfulness techniques, or something else. I thank you for even considering the situation and apologize for the lack of succinctness. It's a tough one for me.

I can't live up to my image of me.

wild like kudzu — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 16:48:16 -0800

My guilt is getting a little out of control, but my issue is that I don't know whether or not it is justified. Looking for advice from those prone to worrying. So, I worry about everything. I worry about my life, my career, my schooling, my roommate, my car, my psyche, my family, my friends, friends of my friends... Jeez. You name it, I could sit down and list a few concerns of my own.

It's getting sort of obnoxious. Hung over as I was today, I decided to stay in and do work on my couch all day. Nursing my headache and watching movies all day meant I didn't go outside at all. Not even once. This triggers feelings of "missing out"-- that I'm not really fully living life up to its potential if I'm spending whole days inside. I usually only do that when I am seriously, legitimately sick.

On a daily basis I feel guilt for my tv-consumption, eating habits, procrastination, recreational activities... I know I am a perfectionist, and I tend to overestimate my abilities within certain time frames and parameters. I know much of it is irrational, but just knowing that I shouldn't be worried does not prevent me from thinking about it and beating myself up about any number of things.

On a cognitive level I know that no one is perfect, and I shouldn't expect myself to be able to live up to my every expectation, especially considering that I think my goals are not always realistic.

If I am not 100% perfect in my interactions with everyone in my life, if I don't stick to my guns, if I let slide some bad habit I am attempting to curb, I will spend literally hours concerning myself with every aspect of the faulty aspect of my life. It is consuming, distracting and does not let me relax, like ever.

Anybody have experiences like this? Anybody ever convince their brains to relax? Thanks in advance.

Explaining anxiety to an adviser

Anonymous — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 12:03:28 -0800

Serious anxiety issues have caused be to break off contact with my adviser. How do I explain the situation to him? I’m in a situation similar to the recent post called "work anxiety fixes?". I’m a grad student, most of the people I work with have been out of town for a while, while they were gone my mental health started getting out of control. I have not looked at my email or answered the phone for several weeks now due to the fear that doing so will result in an all out collapse on the floor panic attack. My only interaction with the outside world has been a trip to the store. I haven’t been like this for many many years, I haven’t been on any meds for a long time and did well with behavioral therapy but apparently I have some issues I need to address again because this is out of control and freaking me out. I have not talked to anyone who treated me before for many years since I moved and was doing just fine. Yeah I really need to get myself to the counseling center. That post that I named was a good wake up call. My adviser may not actually kill me and may possilbly understand the situation, these ideas really didn’t enter mind my mind for the last few weeks because I WAS TOTALLY FREAKING OUT and I still sort of am freaking out. But I think I can manage to get a email to my adviser. So the question is what should be in that email? Can someone give me some sort of template to work with because I really don’t know what to say.

Yes I know I should talk this over with a school therapist but the waiting time will probably be a week (based on the experiences of people I know) unless I tell them I’m suicidal (I’m not) and I’m looking for multiple opinions, can anyone relate.

Hi, I'm an incompetent moron!

A Terrible Llama — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 01:49:54 -0800

I have a new job where I'm going to get yelled at a lot. What are your tips for becoming comfortable with getting yelled at a lot, or your tips for defusing such a situation?
I have a new job, which I love, but which is going to involve me getting yelled at on a semi-regular basis for reasons that will sometimes be legitimate and sometimes be totally stupid. The person yelling* at me could be anything from some drunk who's retired and living his life surrounded by cats and empty beer cans and total incoherence, or it could be, oh, let's say the mayor of a medium-sized city, or an ordinary cop, or a PR person. Or a VP from my very organization. Or some college student calling to tell me I'm probably ugly.

Some people will be sober and have legitimate complaints. Generally the fault will not be mine, but institutional or technical. Those aspects aren't really important.

It's a 'temperatures sometimes run high' position, it's a basic part of the job. I'm realistic about this, but would like to get some more in my tool kit so that when I'm ready, I'm in the best position to deal with it that I can be.

So: what's how can I best manage the situation, emotionally and conversationally?

*I'm saying 'yelling' but mean the whole umbrella of abusive tirades, personal insults, general human venting, threats of violence, snarky insinuations of incompetence, and drunken rants. Really, the gamut.

Should I keep taking Adderall?

dumbledore69 — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 17:00:35 -0800

I was recently diagnosed with adult ADHD (inattentive type) and put on Adderall. I have very, very mixed feelings about this -- hopeful, because it seems to really be helping me in multiple areas of my life, but also anxious that it is a crutch that I can't use forever. Does anyone have any insight or anecdotes to help me either (1) feel better about being on Adderall, or (2) come up with an alternative plan to manage my issues? I am a 30 year old woman and I've struggled for most of my life with depression, severe anxiety/stress, and obesity. I've also, for as long as I can remember, suffered from the extreme inability to get my shit together, which often leads to the depression & anxiety that then lead to the emotional eating (pretty much eating for a fix) that I do.

I have always been smart enough to get by and do fairly well despite half-assing everything due to disorganization, inability to concentrate, and inability to get my shit together. For example, in 5th grade, my teacher wanted to put me in remedial math because I never did (or could find) my homework, despite my having been in the 98th percentile in the math portion of that year's standardized test. In high school, I never did my homework or studied, ever. I was in all honors and AP classes, and somehow managed to get a 4 on the AP Lit exam without having read a single one of the assigned books that year. I got into a good college and nearly flunked out both my freshman and sophomore years because I didn't study or attend class, but made it up junior and senior year by overloading classes to make up what I failed and switching majors to one that would better allow me to use common sense and BS to coast.

Now I have a good job and am a part-time grad student, but I struggle to keep my head above water. I know it isn't because I'm not smart enough or competent ... if I have a month to work on a project, I will struggle to do the research and planning at the beginning to do a good job. I will flounder for 2-3 weeks, and then panic for the fourth week, pulling together whatever I can to cobble together a passable result. Usually what I consider passable is plenty good to my employer or instructor, but the thing is that I can do so much better than what I am giving, and with so much less stress.

Not to mention that my home life is a mess. I am constantly forgetting to pay bills, losing important papers, leaving my house a mess (and not knowing where to start), starting exercise programs and then abandoning them because I am too overwhelmed with the rest of my life, budget, and work....

I've tried all kinds of methods for getting myself back on track. I am great at both implementing and making up my own systems for being organized -- schedules and charts and checklists. Oh God, I live for that stuff! But as soon as I create something and MAYBE follow it for a little while, I get distracted or overwhelmed and drop the ball and am back where I started.

And I'm miserable! I have so much to be grateful for, and yet I spend all my time being fat (100 lbs overweight), depressed, stressed, and overwhelmed. Antidepressants (celexa & trazodone) have helped, but only to an extent.

After talking with my psychiatric NP, she screened me for ADHD and found that both the results of the test and a family history (my dad & brother are ADHD) and my descriptions of my school life and adult life point to inattentive-type ADHD. She prescribed me ritalin, which I took for 3 weeks and simply felt sleepy on, and now Adderall, which truly seems to be making a difference. Suddenly I can concentrate and do alll the things I previously would think "ugh I need to do that", and then forget about or put off indefinitely.

AND. Suddenly I am losing weight.

I have been able to stick to my workout program and have felt no emotional triggers to eat over the past few weeks. I actually have almost no appetite at all during the day, which is a first, since snacks have always been the best interruption to getting anything done.

Which is great, right?

But I'm worried. I have a lot of weight to lose, and I have lost before and regained. I have read stories of people abusing Adderall to lose weight (which is NOT my purpose) and then regaining it once they go off almost immediately. I just do not want to lose weight "artificially" only to regain it when/if I go off Adderall. And I don't see myself being on Adderall forever. In a few years when I am done with school, I'd like to have a baby, and I certainly can't take it while pregnant or breastfeeding.

I am really just hoping that I can use Adderall as a tool to get me back on the right track in life. I never, ever learned to be organized, to keep my house neat, to keep my budget in check, to eat right, to do my work consistently instead of at the last minute. If I can focus now and get myself into a routine, and get my life in order, and keep it in order for awhile ... am I going to lose all that if I don't keep taking Adderall?

So, does it sound like I am doing the right thing by taking it? Am I going to have to pay later on for using this tool to get my life together now? Is there anything else I should be doing or plan to do to make the most out of this?

I'm sorry this was so long...I am just so stressed and anxious.

Stress Detector

philosophistry — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 16:32:48 -0800

Is there a device that can automatically observe your stress levels in real-time? A research scientist mentioned she knew of another research scientist who had a device like this. As she said, "It reminds [me] of a researcher who has a sensor on her computer, which can tell if you're stressed as you're typing away at work." When I followed up with more questions, she couldn't recall details.

I also vaguely remember this being possible. Maybe through a webcam that can tell your facial expressions. Anybody have any leads?

As a half-measure, I bought a heart rate monitor which is effective at telling you when your blood is boiling. While you may not need a monitor to tell you this, I believe in the saying, "if you can measure it, you can control it."

Stressing out about stressing out.

iamisaid — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 15:27:37 -0800

Is there any evidence to suggest that a single, isolated stressful event can shorten one's lifespan, even by a little? For example, if I'm generally calm but I get in a particularly heated argument with someone, is there any scenario under which I'd be able to truthfully say that I shortened my lifespan as a result of the stress associated with this argument? Short of having a heart attack in the process, of course.

Dealing with stress?

ArkhanJG — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 12:01:38 -0800

If you give me a checklist of signs of serious stress or depression, I can check off pretty much all of them. Constant anxiety, panic attacks, flares of irritation at trivial things, headaches, feeling the overwhelming urge to break down and cry or just snap and yell at someone, exhaustion, lack of sleep, inability to enjoy my time off and alas heavy loss of libido. How do I cope when I can't escape what's causing me stress? I have a loving wife (who's still putting up with my unreasonableness!), a reasonable size flat and enough money to get by on, and I get on pretty well with my and her family. I want to try and improve my moods for my wife as much as myself, as I'm surely not much of a fun guy to be round right now.

The problem is work. Without boring you with too much detail, I’m a sysadmin at an English boarding school, and have been in this job for 8 years now. There’s just me and one other guy on helpdesk for 1200 users, 500 computers, numerous student/staff laptops and some 70 odd (virtual) servers. We design, run and support it all, from the printers to the network to the email to the AD to the SAN. The network has kept growing and growing along the demands on the system (new software, more laptops, more wireless, more labs etc). And they also expect perfect reliability from email, internet access, fileserver etc. We’ve pleaded, begged, told management point blank that we need more manpower to keep it running or it will fall over. Nothing changes, if anything it just gets worse. My direct boss is very supportive, and fights our corner, but there’s only so much he can do to help us.

We’ve coped by stretching ourselves thinner and thinner; first was routine maintenance, then it was upgrades, and now I’m juggling 5 different super-critical jobs that all have to be done before anything else, and working 14 hour days (instead of the 9 I’m paid for) to not even stand still. The network is starting to fail, and I’m running out of redundant systems to take up the slack – we had a large surge last week which knocked out several core switches, and we’ve been desperately trying to keep everything running. And of course, everyone blames us when it breaks. And if I do get hit by a bus, their entire network is screwed, as I’m the only one who knows how it really works, as the documentation is limited. It's no way to run a proper network.

So why not just leave? Well, nobody is hiring down here for a start. And if they were, I’d need to move from my current rural area to an urban area, and I’m just about underwater on the flat I bought 3 years ago. And while we have a little money saved up, it’s not enough for me just to blow off work and go on sabbatical. Nor do I have any holiday left, we used most of it on the wedding and honeymoon.
So I’m at my wits end. I’m living day to day, doing my best not to blow a gasket at the next user request which is completely insane (I know you’ve really really busy, so you don’t need to come over today, first thing tomorrow to fix this 16-hours-needed problem will be fine, but it *is* urgent) or have a nervous breakdown. And I don’t know what to do anymore. Even my weekends, I end up thinking about work, I just can’t escape it, or stop worrying about it.
I do very little exercise as I have neither time nor energy, and while I lost 30 pounds before the wedding, I'm steadily putting it back on.

So I have 5 questions, if there’s anyone still reading:

1) How on earth do you cope with high-levels of stress that go on for years without just one day having a nervous breakdown?
2) If therapy is your answer to 1, where do I go, how do I get it in the UK, and how much does it cost (NHS?) – bearing in mind that I’m not broke, but not far off it.
3) How do I manage expectations of senior management that when you try and have 2 guys do the workload of 6, eventually they stop being able to do miracles?
4) How do I politely tell staff – so that they understand - that when I say we’re really really busy, that means *they’re* going to have to wait for their problem fix too, and yes, that does actually mean them personally and not just everybody else, no matter how urgent that their personal printer is out of toner is.
5) How do I stop caring? I take my job seriously, and criticisms of my system personally. If it's failed, so have I. And that stresses me out.

Thank you. (not posting anon as it'd be no great surprise to anyone that knows me that I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown)

How bad is too bad?

Anonymous — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 08:34:38 -0800

I know all jobs come with some tedium, some hankering for freedom, but I've never felt as desolate as I do now. How bad can the wrong job make you feel? I'm in my 30s and I've been doing a job that is a bad fit for over a year now. I had doubts from the start but it offered a big pay increase and was more convenient for travel etc.

I now feel like I compromised too much and dread going in to work. I get on with colleagues ok but don't like or respect the organisation and have a constant fear that I'll be found out. I have no motivation, I'm becoming distant, I'm numb. I keep having dreams about my boss forcing me to own up. My doctor said I have mild depression, related to stress. I know that unhappiness in your job is pretty common, but I need some perspective on how bad 'common' is and whether the problem is actually with me rather than the job.

My main thought is that, being very corporate and rather dry, it's the wrong environment, but a nagging doubt makes me think that actually I'm inherently lacking in something, am just immature and need to stop resisting. If this is the case, how would I know? What should I do to fit in better?

If this is something you've overcome I'd love to hear how you dealt with it. I need inspiration!

How do I salvage a fractious relationship?

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 16:26:44 -0800

Relationshipfilter: Is there any way to salvage our relationship once and for all? Me and my ex-girlfriend have been trying to work things out, but, lo and behold, we just had another huge argument.

This all started about 18 months ago. We were living in a tiny flat together, we were both getting a bit claustrophobic. We had a huge argument, the sort that starts earthquakes, and she left me. I thought that was it, and I'd never see her again. We didn't speak for a while after that, and both moved out of the flat.

Weirdly, we both moved to the same city because of our jobs. We got in touch again, and things went swimmingly. It was great.

At the time I lived with a guy I got on with well. He'd just broken up with his girlfriend, and seemed incredibly depressed about his situation.

The ex went on holiday, and we'd agreed that when she got back we'd find somewhere to rent together. When she came back, I got cold feet about the whole moving in idea. I told her I'd rather stay with my friend for a few more months, until the end of our contract. Neither me, or my girlfriend were under any pressure to move out of our then houses, and I thought she'd be fine about it.

She wasn't. She totally flipped out, saying me not wanting to move in meant that I didn't love her. To me, it just felt wrong. My friend was really down about splitting up with his girlfriend, and I felt sorry for him. He was easy to feel sorry for. I wanted to see him through the next few months, as he was talking about moving to a bigger city and having a fresh start (he did move to a big city, and I've never seen him so happy).

Months passed with me and my ex not talking. Then, out of the blue, she contacted me. We met again. I was overjoyed to see her, and there were obviously romantic sparks between us. She told me she'd bought a flat. After years of renting, she'd managed to get on a scheme to get a mortgage and a flat on her own. I was unbelievably happy for her.

We got on well for a bit longer, but then things went wrong again. It was great when we were together, but we were ignoring the bigger issues. I hadn't seen her parents for ages, and they'd soaked up most of her tears when we split, so understandably they didn't want us to be together. She had a new set of friends she didn't want me to meet.

The whole flat thing didn't help as well. I was (and still am) renting a place - I don't earn enough to be able to afford to buy. We discussed me moving in, but it's tricky because she owns the place and I'll be paying rent to her, so she won't let it happen.

Every time we argue, though, she brings up the fact that I had a chance to move in with her, but didn't. I do love her so much, and I know that she's the one for me - I really do want to start a family with her. For all the arguing, 99% of the time has been the best, happiest days of my life.

But it just seems to be going round in circles. We'll get on really well, then we'll have an argument about something petty, and it'll turn into a full-blown fight (not physical). Then we won't speak for a month or so, then see each other again, repeat ad nauseum. We had relationship counselling a few weeks ago, and it seemed like we were getting somewhere. But tonight's argument threw me off balance. It's a horrible situation to be caught in, each time we argue it becomes more and more painful for both of us.

What can I do to restore her faith in me? And how can I sort out the housing mess? I've said I'd be happy to pay her a lump some of cash to cover what she's spent on the flat so far, and I really don't mind about the whole paying rent to her thing. The way I see it is that I'll be investing in our future.

I apologise for rambling, and I hope this all makes sense. And I hope I don't come across as too much of an asshole.

Thanks in advance

CAN YOU TELL HOW INTENSELY WORRIED I AM ABOUT THESE ISSUES (tears out hair)

prefpara — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 14:04:11 -0800

A question about how to calm down. I am having a lot of trouble formulating this question, so forgive me if it's a little bit all over the place. Dear Metafilter. Thanks in advance for your help & patience. I can't figure out how to ask this question, so let me just describe the problem I am having as I experience it.

Basically, I am a stress basket. Everything stresses me out. Most of all, interpersonal stuff makes me nuts. I overthink a lot of my social interactions, and it's really hard for me to let go if I think I've annoyed or offended someone.

In the past, when I have been in a good relationship, spending time with my boyfriend would be a strong antidote. He made me feel completely accepted, warts and stress and all. However, being single has not led to any discovery of an analogous de-stress mechanism (except I like hot baths, but this is impossible in my apartment). So I get wound up, and can’t wind down. The more stressed and upset I get, the more affected I am by things which are, in the big picture, not so important.

I think I am driving everyone around me crazy because I am always at a 10 on the emotional intensity scale. I am not the relaxed, comfortable, easy-to-be-around person I’d like to be. I don’t want to be this stressed all the time.

I guess I am asking how I can relax when I don’t have my family or a boyfriend around to make me feel accepted and OK with who I am. I am working on being my own best friend and loving myself as I am, but it doesn’t work all the time (should I just accept that this is a process, it takes time, and I need to give myself permission to get there slowly?). Especially when I feel criticized or rejected by my friends.

I welcome your thoughts and advice. Especially if you can think of a way for me to take a hot bath in NYC without owning a usable bathtub. How do I relax? How do I envelop myself in loving acceptance when there isn’t someone else to do it for me?

Roommate negotiations... ugh...

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 10:45:18 -0800

So, I have a roommate. We were friends before living together, and for the most part we get along fine. We've had some arguments, but we seem to have gotten past them. Now I'm just feeling frustrated by some nit-picky things she does and I want to know if I should address them at all, and how not to be insulting or irritating. Little things, like washing the dishes but neglecting to ring out the sponge (which breeds mildew and is unsanitary as well as completely disgusting-- I had been wondering why the dishes always smelled funky after she washed them) and then I find I buy replacement sponges once every two weeks. It's getting expensive and irksome, and even though I've asked her to ring them out she still leaves them and lets them rot.

She also has a tendency to stay at her boyfriend's house for days at a time, which wouldn't bother me except that it then falls to me to feed her cat. She doesn't really clean up after the poor thing either, which is simply not something I'm willing to do. Period. If I wanted a pet I would have gotten one, and when we moved in I established clearly that the pet-related messes would not be my problem.

And most recently the most irritating of all is that she eats my food. And I swear I'm not a stingy person, I actually don't mind at all that she shares food with me provided that she replaces any food that she eats the majority-- i.e. sure, make a sandwich or two with my bread, no problem, but if I buy a loaf and 3/4 of it are gone before I eat even one slice, replace it. This is not to say that she never replaces my food, and to that extent I acknowledge that she's trying to make things even, but here's where I sound like a big time female dog...

When it comes to clothing, cleaning supplies, and household stuff I don't care about namebrands. Whatever works will work for me, but when it comes to my food I am incredibly particular. I work hard to afford the brands that I choose because they taste better. She then replaces my expensive brandname food with crappy Kroger generics. I wouldn't buy those because I prefer the better brands and I'm willing to pay more for them. Clearly, she feels differently, so I end up with the short end of the stick-- paying more for the better brands but eating the crappy ones.

I've considered many things, not the least of which is letting it go-- we have only 6 months left on our lease and we know we won't be living together again after that. But is it really fair for me to put up with this for all that time? I feel like it's more and more money out of my pocket. I try to keep my special food that I really care about in one of the veggie crispers, but she still pilfers it from time to time. How can I express my frustration politely (in the form of a note preferably, as talking to her face to face has usually led to arguments in the past) without sounding like I've got a stick up my bum?

Finding the Eye in the Storm

sciencemandan — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 12:55:07 -0800

What are your secrets to maintaining sanity in this increasingly connected and busy world? I'm a 22-year-old grad student from the U.S. who has been doing a lot of thinking lately. I took a month-long trip to Europe, observing different cultures and the way people live their lives. I've become convinced that our culture is far too busy, and that this is partially due to technological advances that have made instant connectedness an almost necessary part of our lives.

I don't necessarily have a problem with being busy, but I do see a problem when being busy turns into being hurried in personal relationships and interactions with others.

I mentioned disconnecting from "the cloud" as one way I have tried to stay sane, but what other ways have you found that allow you to de-stress and relax in spite of the busyness of the world? What things have you added to or cut out of your life that have made a tremendous difference?

Are these stress caused health conditions?

lpctstr; — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 14:55:30 -0800

I've worked a lot the past few months (but will be done in a few weeks) and have noticed a few physical changes. Could stress cause these conditions? (1) When I wash my hair in the shower, I lose a couple dozen hairs down the drain (although I don't seem to be balding) (2) My right eye has started twitching several times an hour (I can feel it but my friends can't see the twitching). (3) I've gone from about 5 to about 50 grey hairs the past year. I'm a 24 year old male.

Unplug from work?

toastchee — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 06:12:59 -0800

How to better unplug from work? I'm a computer programmer who works both from home and in an office part of the time. I tend to internalize the work pressures and spend inordinate amounts of time still ruminating about work issues.

I know for my mental health it would be better to 'leave these issues at work' so I thought I would consult the green for advice.

I am in despair

lndl — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 09:06:06 -0800

I think I'm broken. How can I see any hope? Ok bear with, this is NOT a Singles ad. Just giving the context...

I'm mid forties male. Single, but with a fiancée whom I adore. We don't live together yet (for unrelated reasons to this post) but plan to marry in two years. Always highly introverted, but not shy as such. Intelligent. Educated. (Incl. Couple of Master's Degrees that I've done in my spare time in the last few years). Also into plenty of activities, (running etc). Great physical shape. Live in small town in middle of nowhere because of ill mother. Don't drink, smoke etc.

Terrible mental shape though. And that's the problem.

Worked in various parts of IT past 28 years. Starting working out of school and did all my degrees in spare time. Never desired money., which was ok as I never made much. Enough to pay the bills.
Have 3 fantastic grownup kids (early 20s) and a crazy ex-partner. No career planning but changing jobs, etc moved me around a lot for years. Last 10 years working for 1 company.

Two years ago after having been put in a terrible position by company I started suffering from stress (didn't know what it was for months, shocked to discover I could suffer from it, in my case being nauseous all day and unable to eat). After months of illness I had to take 3 months off. After going back to work nothing happening there.

Finally laid off middle of last year. A lot going on in my life at the time including mother terminally ill meant I decided to take a break for 6 months or so. First break in my life. Seemed like a good idea.
Unlike those with loads of money I had saved the past 8 years since seperation, "just in case", so I could pay my mortgage for 2 years if I lost my job (Have been laid off twice previously).

6 months passed and personal life was still difficult. And by that time things were falling apart in the country (I'm in a European country, BTW) like elsewhere. Found myself unable to get motivated. Had been seeing a psychotherapist since stress event. Ok but didn't lead anywhere. Had to stop though at beginning of this year due to financial constraints.

Had been on a few different mild anti -depressants for 3 or 4 months but stopped for various reasons incl. didn't like sensations produced, preferred to handle it through exercise. Also think studies show anti-depressant SSRIs fall into placebo category.

And now, well, by now I've fallen into a trough of despair.

Mother still terminally ill, but surviving. Plenty of exercise but have to force myself as I no longer care. Eating and sleeping messed up, classic depression symptoms. Only see fiancée at weekends, luckily for her, that makes me feel better in the short term.

<>>
I don't ever want to to back to IT is one thing I've learned. Not that I seem to have a choice. The few jobs available are in manufacturing and whenever I've applied they say I've been away from manufacturing too long (because last job was customer related). In a year I've only applied for about 30 jobs and not got one interview.
In fact my Master's degrees were in a different field so I could change career, the environment, and now no-one cares about that AND I have no experience there.

All the things I imagine you saying about me, "just get on with it", "stop feeling sorry for yourself" etc I say about myself and worse. I find myself literally unable to look at myself in the mirror sometimes.
The only emotions I feel strongly are negatives, despair and hopelessness, self-hatred and self-abegnation.

I took the Burns depression checklist recently from the CBT book "Feeling Good Handbook", and I ranked as "Extreme anxiety" and "Severe Depression". Like I didn't know. I wonder if I've had the so-called "nervous breakdown".

If I was a different person I'd probably think very seriously about suicide but I could never do that to my family. Plus I'm an atheist so I don't see the point, I'm not going anywhere after.

I do often feel like I want to die.
I feel like "'I'm done", like I've been swallowed whole and spat out, found wanting, finished at 45, even worthless, compared to the people around me.
I don't want to worry my fiancée with the true depth of my despair, she already knows it's pretty bad. I don't have anyone else to talk to as my sister is also under the same stress of looking after our mother. But I no longer think talk is a solution either.
Not that I have any idea what the solution is. Bad things happen to god people. In my case I am making them happen to myself because I seem unable to pull myself out of this.

This wasn't me. With those who know me well I'd be seen as someone with mental and physical drive. E.g I did a sailing course a few years ago. A friend immediately said, "I expect you'll be doing a global circumnavigation next year". That's how people saw me. Always pushing myself mentally and physically. Always trying to be a decent man. Always wanting to do a good job. Always wanting to look after family. Always wanting to understand. Always wanting to enjoy life in my own way.

Now, I'm mostly nothing. And I'm writing to the internet for hope. Damn, can you imagine how fucked-up that is?