Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with stress

What might be causing these cats' allergies?

Kitty Stardust — Wed, 15 May 2013 15:31:31 -0800

Three cats all have allergies and overgrooming issues. What might be causing this? My mom's three cats have been suffering from the same allergic condition for some time now. I didn't realize how bad they all had it until I visited for Mother's day and saw that they have all overgroomed to the point where they have no fur on their bellies or back legs. They also have scabbing around their heads/necks from scratching. Two of the cats are littermates. The third cat was raised from kittenhood by me until she moved to my mom's place when she was about 1 year old. It seems odd to me that unrelated cats are all harboring the same allergies.

The vet they go to has shrugged it off as an allergy, but we haven't been able to pinpoint what they're allergic to so we could eliminate it. All three cats get cortisone shots which are really pretty temporary solutions. The vet has suggested a flea allergy, but all three cats are on Frontline. They have open access to a large screened-in porch, so they are exposed to the outside environment fairly often. They also eat regular grocery-store dry food supplemented with Fancy Feast. Other than their overgrooming issues, all three cats are healthy and hearty. The vet has also mentioned stress issues as possible triggers, which could be. The two littermates really dislike the other cat, but she seems to have found ways of avoiding them.

I suggested wheat-free food as a possible allergen reducer, and my mom is planning on ordering some. I've also suggested she get a couple Feliway plugins to deal with the stress issues.
Are there other potential avenues to explore here?

Dealing with Thoracic Outlet Syndrome/stress in another country.

Kamelot123 — Tue, 14 May 2013 00:09:00 -0800

I was recently diagnosed with thoracic outlet syndrome and I am having a very difficult time dealing with it. I am only 27. Basically tingling in my hands and a tension in my shoulders that does not go away. My blood gets rather restricted and my shoulders tire easily when they are raised above my head, which clued in the doctor to the TOS. At first the doctor thought it might just be a pinched nerve or a hernia but it is occurring on both sides of my body particularly on the palm and in the shoulders. I am living in Japan right now and one of my best friends here just went home to Ireland so I have no one really close to talk to, and thus am dealing with a bunch of stress as well. I am also taking days off of work since the fact that the condition has been steadily getting worse since February is really bringing down my spirits. I was also advised not to do many of the things that I love and make me happy, such as playing piano and exercising. I have noticed that especially typing and playing piano makes my condition worse. So I think that stress from avoiding the things I love (piano, computer games, running) may play a part in my condition as well, as I always have tension throughout the body and often clench my jaw. I have a difficult time typing and I am actually using dictation software right now.I just went to the doctor yet again and was prescribed Cymbalta for my symptoms. Not sure if it is working yet.

Besides the medication I am also sending a personal trainer who is giving me some stretches to work on like a chest stretch, neck and shoulder stretch. I am also working on strengthening my back.

I would love for some advice on how to deal with thoracic outlet syndrome and also if there's anyone with the condition/has had the condition I would love to hear from them. I know no one who has had this, so the feeling that I am alone really bums me out. Thanks a lot!

(I am currently looking for a therapist, but pickings are slim in Japan compared to my home country.)

Tips for not losing my mind/keys when stressed?

HeroZero — Wed, 01 May 2013 19:27:45 -0800

In general, I'm an individual who's got a good handle on adult stuff: paying bills on time, obeying parking regulations, etc. Once in a while though, when I get stressed out about something, my brain stops taking care of these basic maintenance tasks. Case in point: this week I had a big project due for work, and I lost my car keys -- twice. Anybody have tips for helping me hold onto my sanity in high stress situations and avoiding silly, expensive mistakes?

Interview advice

rebent — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 12:27:47 -0800

I had a phone interview last week that I thought I bombed. But, apparently I did good enough to land an in-person interview on Thursday. I'd like some advice on where in between "Fake it till you make it" and "lay your cards on the table" I should be. Details inside. The job is listed as an entry level position creating, managing, and delivering training. However, it pays (i am guessing here based on the interview) $70,000, requires 5 years of experience, and is all about leadership training.

I got a master's degree from the same school as many of the people working at this company last year, which gives me a grand total of 3 years fudged, or 1.5 years steady experience. I think the experience I had was phenomenal and very applicable (I worked in a leadership training department) but I didn't learn enough from it to do anything on my own. I guess what I'm saying is that, while I'm very capable and skilled and knowledgeable of theory, I still have a lot to learn in terms of hands-on skills.

I also am not an expert with regards to leadership or sales, which is the focus of this department.

In the phone interview, they asked a lot of questions that seemed pretty specific, like they had a correct answer in mind, but I could only speak to theory and generalities. For instance, a question along the lines of "What is your process for creating learning objectives?" to which my answer was along the lines of "I'd probably ask someone for help."

During this section, I got a strong feeling from the interviewers that they were just going through the motions because they didn't think I had the skills they were looking for. I can't put my finger on what it was, but i suppose they answered my questions somewhat abruptly, didn't ask may follow-up questions, and didn't ask me to clarify my answers much. (It is possible that I was just imagining this based on my own self-assessment.)

Finally, one of the things I focused on pretty strongly during the phone interview (and was very nervous about afterwards) was that I understood the realities of business and how what a trainer thinks is the right answer isn't always what the other business people want from them, and that it's the training department's job to work for the company, not to try to dictate "the right way" to do things. I honestly have no idea if this helped or hurt my standings.

I don't have much experience interviewing for things that are a challenge for me. My past jobs have usually been completely in line with my qualifications, and I left the interviews feeling confident. This situation is different and I am panicking, and would greatly appreciate your advice.

I have always been told "fake it till you make it" because I am much more judgmental of myself than anyone else ever could be; it's my job to show the best of myself, and it's the company's job to decide if my best is good enough.

On the other hand, I feel that they must realize how inexperienced I am, and that if I act like I have experience when I really don't, they will think I'm fake and bragging and selling myself as better than I am. I want to open the interview by saying "Listen, based on the questions you asked, I think it's pretty clear to everyone that I won't be coming into the position with the ability to immediately start churning out leadership training. By asking me here to interview, I think it shows that you are not looking for that type of candidate. So, let's talk about what about me you find attractive, and we can come to a joint decision about whether I am right for this role."

But I'm super scared that i will say that and they will say "well actually, you misread us completely. We did think you had the skills, but based on what you just said, now we're not sure."

I know that no one can give me the perfect answer because none of you (I hope!) are familiar with the job/department in question. But I hope that some of you with more experience than myself can help me think through this more clearly, and help me find a distinct brand to present during the interview.

Thanks in advanced!

Mods and support reps: techniques to remain calm and objective?

Opal — Sun, 28 Apr 2013 11:31:20 -0800

What are some stress-reduction techniques that support representatives and forum moderators use on-the-spot to remain cool and collected during difficult interactions with clients, and not let their own frustration get the best of them? I realize lots of companies allow their support reps to end the call (close the thread/mute the poster) if the person on the other end becomes abusive. I am interested in tools to protect oneself from emotional stress when clients are not quite abusive, but rude, difficult, frustrated, not listening, etc.

I am thinking about applied techniques to create a separation between the rep's/mod's emotions and the client's statements and actions, allowing the rep/mod to remain professional, not say the wrong thing, avoid having their judgement clouded by their own frustration, etc.

I heard about techniques like "ask yourself: is this about me?" that the employee can use on the spot to create emotional detachment if the client is getting to them, but I am having a hard time coming up with anything specific in Google.

Toys and objects to deal with physical stress.

shimmer — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 11:34:33 -0800

So there is the stress ball. That one I know. Does anyone have any other ideas for dealing with nervous energy from stress and anxiety in the office that won't bother people around you so much (esp those moments when I can't just go for a long walk or to the gym, etc). It’s a fairly routine problem for me that even after the stressor is long gone, the nervous energy sticks around. I don't so much need the 'take a deep breath' or 'think positive' type of thing, I might not even be actively thinking or worrying about anything; and I already have a good doc for the long term aspects. Just looking for some ideas about the tactile and physical side of this thing, which tends to stick around for a while and can be pretty uncomfortable.

How do I stop dwelling?

Anonymous — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 05:10:53 -0800

I made a professional mistake which I had to own up to very publicly. No one, not my boss or my co-workers or my friends seems to think any less of me for it, but it's eating away at me and has had me in agony for the better part of a week. How do I stop dwelling on this? It's not huge - no one got hurt, it didn't cost the company any money or open us up to any liability. I just acted without thinking, and failed in a kind of public way. Everyone's been pretty cool about it, and I have been pretty forthcoming about recognition of my mistake. I think that to the rest of the world, it's not big deal. But I am just sick with self-loathing over it. I feel paranoid that even though everyone's been very supportive, they quietly think less of me for it. It feels like this one event is a referendum on my worth as an employee, or in my field of work. I've talked to my wife about it, and she, as someone external to the whole incident, who has watched the reactions of my co-workers, can't figure out why I'm so fixated on it. But I can't stop ruminating over it and it's affecting my sleep and, ironically, my ability to do my job well. How do I let it go?

Planes, trains and automobiles: Make me a better traveler

kat518 — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 08:36:28 -0800

I travel on a semi-regular basis and would like to become a better traveler, both in terms of trip planning and packing/unpacking/repacking. If you travel frequently, how do you do it? How can I up my game? TL; DR: I would like to know how I can spend less on travel (short of traveling less) and/or make it less stressful for me and my husband. We're in a position where we can afford to pay for things that are a little more expensive if they will be less stressful. I am interested in hearing about loyalty programs, credit card rewards programs, helpful websites, packing tips and general travel strategies (if you buy a plane ticket during a full moon, the security line at the airport will be nonexistent).

I'm also interested in hearing tips on getting cheap airfare and vacations abroad. A friend explained that the trick is to travel when you can get a deal, not when you want, but if you have more advice along those lines, I'm interested.

My husband and I frequently travel short distances (less than 400 miles) to visit family or have fun for a few days at a time (usually long weekends) several times annually. In the first 5 months of this year, there will have been 6 such trips as well as a week-long work trip and a week-long vacation.

We usually fly where we're going except when we go to NY because the bus is so cheap. Southwest is often our airline of choice because they fly to my dad's town though we've flown a few times with US Airways recently. We usually rent a car when we go to places where public transportation is lackluster. Since we're usually visiting family, we don't need hotel rooms unless we're going on vacation.

Specific questions:

- Rental cars: I usually just book the cheapest one which I find using Priceline or Hotwire. I recently joined Alamo's membership thing because it's usually the cheapest but our minimal interactions with customer service are almost always unpleasant. Is there a rental car company program for which I can sign up that will give us points and where they won't behave insanely?

- Flights: We're members of Southwest's frequent flyer program but to fly with Southwest, we have to go to an inconvenient airport so I've been interested in flying more with US Airways, which flies out of a more convenient airport. However, I don't understand frequent flyer programs. In general, how many miles do I need to get a free flight? What does that mean in practical terms (10 short RT flights?)? Do you just need to check to see if you have enough miles for a free flight or do they let you know? Is it worth buying miles?

- Hotels: Similar to rental cars, are there loyalty programs or such that are reasonable and have good benefits? I usually pick hotels based on price but if say, the Holiday Inn offered a really nice rewards program and people who go to the Holiday Inn in any city generally have a good experience, I'd be interested in joining.

- Trains and buses: We usually take MegaBus or BoltBus to visit family in NY because holy crap it's cheap. That said, it feels like it takes forever and I have a hard time using that time productively, plus when I get where I'm going, I feel exhausted so I feel like by taking the bus, I am losing days of my life. I don't mind flying but the bus. is. so. cheap. Is there a way to get cheap flights from DC to NY? I feel like I heard that you could pay for a few trips on the DC to NY shuttle and get one free but maybe I made that up. I've also been told that you can take the train for cheap occasionally but I have never been able to find a train fare that was anywhere near reasonable (~$100 RT) unless I take the train at 4 a.m. Is everyone who says that you can get a cheap train a total liar or am I doing something wrong? How do you sit on a bus for 4-6 hours without going crazy? I take anxiety drugs and nap for a bit, read, listen to podcasts, but after about 3.5 hours, I am done and I start getting cranky.

- Packing: Since I run, I plan to leave pairs of semi-retired running sneakers at my dad's and in-laws' homes so that's one less thing I have to pack. I use packing cubes yet packing always feels like an ordeal. There is a spot in our apartment where I put our suitcases when we return and it feels like stuff just sits there. I am trying to be better about it - we returned from a trip Saturday night and I already put our suitcases away - but it feels semi-exhausting. I don't think I over-pack much and am trying to get better about re-wearing clothes but it's a work in progress. What are your tips for traveling lightly and packing easily? I am thinking of just putting aside all of the liquid things I take on trips that I can in one of those liter bags so I can just grab it. And maybe buying more underwear. I feel like I never have enough underwear. Should I make checklists? What do I tell my husband when he makes fun of me? (kidding. sort of.) Do you have cool products that do double-duty? I LOVE cool products that do double-duty. Please tell me all about them immediately.

- Anxiety: My husband and I both just get anxious about traveling. We take medication for it occasionally and I try to alleviate it by starting to pack a week ahead of time so then we don't have to think about it but then I worry that I'm just stretching out the amount of time during which we feel anxious. I also try to tell him, dude, we're visiting our parents, we don't have to impress people, but anxiety is irrational. We used to have a terrific way of dealing with travel anxiety but the burrito shop at the airport stopped selling margaritas. How do you manage travel anxiety? We also become a negative feedback loop between us.

- Credit cards: Are there rewards cards that would give us points or magic beans for flights, rental cars, hotels, etc.? I just feel like somehow, my friends all have platinum status on different airlines and I'm like, I check two bags for free on Southwest! Which is fine and I don't really care but if I could do something small differently that would improve our travel experience, I'm up for it.

God bless you for reading this far. I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

Keep calm and carry on?

Anonymous — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 08:41:03 -0800

I'm going through a bout of depression and while it isn't affecting my work, it is affecting how I behave at work. I realised today that some of my colleagues have picked up on this change in behaviour. How can I maintain my dignity and privacy? I've been undergoing treatment for depression for over ten years, though I've been depressed since I became a teenager. I've had great success with my medication (escitalopram), but suddenly it seems to have stopped working. I'm doing everything right to manage this: my GP is doing tests to rule out other factors; I'm seeing a great personal trainer several times a week to get active; I'm seeing a clinical psychologist to talk things through; and I'm currently organising an appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss medication options. I have wonderful support from both my partner and one of my parents.

I work in the sciences. As soon as I get absorbed in my work, I'm fine and work well. There are no problems with my productivity (in fact, we have two people away at the moment and I'm covering both my work and theirs successfully). The problem is that sometimes I know I'm about to start crying out of the blue, and so I need to get out of sight of my colleagues until I have it under control. Sometimes I'm exhausted and I just can't get up in the morning (even though I'm getting enough sleep). Sometimes I just feel so very dull and stupid. The outcome of this is that I've often being getting in half an hour late and leaving an hour early so that I can have the privacy I need to cry etc. I'm still doing the work, I'm logging my hours, and I let people know that I'll be working from home (I don't just disappear), but these absences are noticeable.

Today I had a meeting with my manager and I had a feeling that something was up. So I brought this issue up by saying "I just wanted to talk to you about the fact that I'm feeling like I'm not doing my best work at the moment". I explained that I was feeling very tired and that I was having blood tests to rule illness out. I also brought up my concerns about overwork. My manager was really, really understanding and we discussed ways to manage the excessive workload. I said that I thought I had everything under control, but that I would keep them posted on how I was going.

I don't want my colleagues to know that I suffer from depression. For me, this is something that my friends and family can know about, but not my colleagues. I've always been able to hide the extent of my depression really well, but clearly I've slipped up here. So, metafilter, tell me:

1) How do I manage my depressive symptoms at work;
2) How do I get up in the morning? Should I prep coffee the night before? I keep sleeping through my alarms :(

Thank you!!

Hand Surgery Part Two?

jnnla — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 16:58:26 -0800

About 8 weeks ago I sliced the flexor profundus tendon that allows the tip of my right pinky to function. I had surgery and have now subsequently re-severed the healing tendon, requiring ANOTHER round of surgery to try to repair again. Should I go through with this? Issues related to post-operative depression, unemployment, and general existentialist angst inside. See previous. After previous surgery to repair my lacerated flexor digitorum profundus I, due to my own foolishness, re-tore the repaired tendon after about 5-6 weeks of recuperation. My own disappointment with any meaningful indications of progress led me to over-exert my physical therapy exercises and try to do things well beyond what I should have, way earlier than I should have. I am scheduled for the same surgery again Monday and I oscillate between thinking that I might cancel the surgery, or sitting here worried about what I will do with myself if I have to start recuperation from day one again...

Why would you cancel surgery?

This injury affects the tip of my pinky...the last joint (the distal joint). If not fully repaired I will only be able to use the middle joint of my pinky, the farthest joint will be non-functional and my pinky tip will stick straight out from that joint, unable to curl, for life. This is the state it is in now and while enough to present its own issues (possible joint hardening, catching on things, reduced grip strength) is hardly completely life-changing.

My hands are important to me in that I make money with them (vfx artist, photography) and I execute my passions with them (building, photography DIY, biking, fitness, etc.). My hands are my life...but there is no guarantee that this surgery will ever allow me to use my pinky tip again anyway, and for the most part I can do the things I normally like to do even if the tip no longer works. I think pull ups might be more of a challenge, if not impossible with my right hand, but other than that I believe I will adapt.

My hand surgeon is obviously upset that I have necessitated re-operation, and he has indicated that there is even less of a chance that this surgery will be successful than the last due to a possible frayed tendon, or retracted tendon, or jellified tendon...not to mention that the tissues of my finger underwent the knife only 6 weeks ago and are still traumatized to a degree. His own thinking is that if he gets in there and there is not a relatively straightforward re-suture, then he will just sew me up and tell me to live with it, rather than Doing Everything Possible which would require surgery incommensurate with saving a pinky tip.

So if this surgery works...MAYBE in three months I MIGHT have some motion back...But it equally possible that it remains non-functional and I have to undergo months of recuperation again anyway.

Work

I work as a contractor in vfx and use my right hand, the injured hand, to use a mouse and stylus and keyboard stuff. I generally need BOTH hands working to do my job. Working with one hand is not really a viable option given what I do. The skillset I am hired for needs two hands.

Since my initial injury I have literally been turning down jobs because I can't use my hand, and was about to go back to work because my hand was well enough to use a mouse...that is until this week when I ruptured it. After surgery on Monday I will need to turn down work until mid July to recover enough to work a mouse again. Problem is that due to the nature of my industry, summers are slow and I may not realistically be able to find work again until October / November. I have not been employed since February...and while I generally take time off each year to backpack, travel, work on personal projects...the thought of not working for several months more on end, possibly not at all this year, makes me queasy. I have savings that can handle the time off...but I have been burning them already and further using them would set me back to a place that adversely affects future life plans. I could potentially afford it, but would rather not...and the thought of being unable to work should I choose too is really stressing me out. I was so close, and if I go for another attempt at fixing this thing I'm back to square one.

Not to mention I have not thought about how much this will cost me AGAIN.

Depression

I did not and have not adjusted well to the initial post-operative period, and the thought of going through all of this again as really taken the wind out of me. I have struggled with depression / anxiety in the past and during the last 6 weeks of recuperation I have slid into a depression that began to lift as my hand was healing. Now, of course it is back with a vengeance and after Monday will likely get worse as the weeks tick by. The cabin fever of recuperation has had me going insane. I am normally a very active person - my free time is spent working out, camping, hiking or - most of all - building things. Normally I would relish this time off, but without the use of my hand, half a dozen personal projects that requiring sewing, sanding, lifting and screwing sit unfinished and drive me insane. The fact that I haven't been able to get a good workout in with weights is also contributing to my depression. I've never been able to sit still...and the thought of immobilizing my hand for 3 more months for another unlikely outcome has me literally panicking.

I want my life back and if I cancel the surgery I can get back to work, back to doing things I enjoy and start adapting to life without full use of my pinky...whereas if I go through with the surgery I reset the clock and may not save the pinky tip anyway...or might get some use back someday. I really don't know what to do.

Stray questions:

1. If I undergo the surgery again is there any sort of disability / unemployment I can get on as an independent contractor unable to work due to disability? I am in California.

2. Is life without use of a distal phalange that bad? Anyone with experience?

3. If surgery...what do I do with myself while recuperating? I did it once...took lots of walks, listened to audiobooks, meditated, etc...but still became terribly depressed because I find it hard not to be active / always doing something. Suggestions? Are there places around LA that accept one-handed volunteers?

I apologize for the length, but would really appreciate some sage advice...my emotions are clouding my own good sense...Thanks all!

Game face on!

cucumber patch — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 05:01:58 -0800

How do you project calmness and authority on days when you're super stressed and tired? Advice from health professionals encouraged. Recently, several people have commented that I always seem anxious/stressed-out in clinic. I *do* tend to stress out sometimes, because our supervisor likes to make us do as much as possible in our short sessions, but I don't really like having that reputation, and I certainly don't want my patients to pick up on it. I want to appear calm and in control. Is it possible to do that even when you're feeling anxious inside?

I assisted a classmate last week and was really impressed by her conduct. This week I tried to channel some of her mannerisms -- unhurried, measured speech and slower, deliberate movements -- and it worked really well... until something knocked me for a loop and I got anxious again. I think I'm just not good at dealing with things that aren't part of the scheduled plan. Worse still, when I get stressed I have a tendency to get negative and sarcastic. Even worse, I swore in front of the patient! (Not at them, and not to their face, but still within earshot...)

On the social side, I'm pretty sure I actively repel people when stressed, when I really don't mean to. It's just that I get untalkative and my stressed face is my bitch-face :(.

This is my first clinical year so I know a lot the messiness will go away with experience, but I'd still love tips on dealing with stress and putting up a good front no matter what mood I'm in. I've read some similar questions on Ask Mefi, and they're very helpful, but mostly deal with long-term changes in habits. I guess I'm looking for instant, temporary fixes for when something completely throws me out and I have to bounce back quite quickly. Thanks in advance.

What happens when the family tree goes straight down?

powerbumpkin — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 12:28:23 -0800

Is there any discussion available of the social/behavior results of having multiple generations of only children in a family? Know of any sources? Have any personal experiences? Are there whole families made up of of "only children"?

Is there any discussion available of the social/behavior results of having multiple generations of only children in a family? I'm interested in only children both as a result of lagging birthrates in high income developed nations, and also as a result of government policies like in Asia.

I know there is a lot written about the social/behavioral/emotional consequences for the children (all the research on whether only children adhere to negative stereotypes etc.). And also there is a lot written about intergenerational financial burden, e.g. the famous 4-2-1 problem.

But what about the social/behavioral/emotional consequences for multiple generations and (lacking) extended families? As one's parents age, as life events happen, having a teeny tiny family must be very difficult. Know of any sources?

And in the absence of those, does anyone have any experiences to share? Thanks in advance.

Pinched nerve: how to improve when you are stressed and cant exercise?

Thanquol180 — Thu, 28 Mar 2013 20:32:37 -0800

I have had what a doctor said is probably a pinched nerve for the last 2-ish months. It started with a tingling in the left shoulder and now runs all the way down to the fingertips. How to heal when you are stressed, it seems to get worse from stress and you cant do anything you love? It has started on my right side as well. It used to be only while i was doing certain things, but is now almost always present. it is best when i wake up, and worst when i sleep. I think this may have something to do with my increased stress from not being able to do the things i love.

I have not been able to do anything I love to decrease stress like piano, jogging, games, tennis, writing, etc. as they seem to make the problem worse. Doing nothing, however, leaves me very anxious and stressed and i get bad sleep, with my jaw always aching when i wake up. I have tmj.

i went to a physical therapist and chiropractor - pretty sure the chiro made it worse. I am stretching religiously with stretches i learned from the physical therapist. i have worked on my posture as well, all to no avail. I got on health insurance and will be getting an MRI for the problem in about a week. In the meantime i would like some advice on how to cope, and possibly improve the problem, while waiting. Sleeping, and sometimes stretching, seems to be the only thing that :kind: of helps. Hoping to hear something!

Welcome to Corporate Hell, have a nice stay!

f3l1x — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 08:56:57 -0800

Looking for lifehacks to help me thrive in a stressful high-pressure job working 50+ hours a week long-term. I am special, find out why.. I'm about to leave my cushy public sector job for a new position in a notoriously stressful industry.

In the past I've had issues with motivation to work, getting stressed out to the point of explodey head, having an unhealthy lifestyle (food / exercise-wise) and generally being a bit lazy. Sometimes I'm ill (usually a chest infection or something like that) and it won't go away for a long time, leading to time off work ill. I'm not great at deferring gratification, and it seems like a useful trait to develop, especially given that this is one of those jobs you can earn a shedload of money in if you can hack the pace/stay focussed on that goal.

New job is the kind of job where I need to be dressed professionally, physically in the office for quite long hours with few breaks during the day (50 hour week is the minimum expectation, more is preferable), with a positive attitude and a sunny demeanour (I'll be client-facing most of the time) and bags of energy.

These things do not come naturally to me, and as such I recognise this is a massive risk, but it's a good time (for me personally) to take such a risk, and the possibilities of reward are utterly amazing, in fact they are literally life-changing. So I'm going to give it my best efforts for once in my life, and see what happens! I realise it may suck, so I've got myself a reasonable exit strategy and I'm not afraid to use it if I have to.

I'd like your lifehacks please - what tips and tricks can I use to keep my energy up, myself healthy and motivated to work, my stress levels down, and also manage all of those little day-to-day life administration jobs I need to do while working 50+ hour weeks. How do I survive without a lunch break? What happens if I get ill? How do I deal with stress, rejection and workplace disappointments without staying in bed for a few days? How can I get better at deferred gratification? What haven't I thought of?

I'll have about a week to prepare myself before starting, so any big things I can do in that time would be helpful to know about.

Bonus: I'm relocating city to boot, because I like ALL the new. I have a small community in the new city, but it's a little seedling, and I'd like to put down some proper roots. Is there anything that will help me with the above stuff, and also help me build a community around me?

Your Stress is Stressing Me Out

Anonymous — Mon, 11 Mar 2013 18:43:35 -0800

How do I effectively communicate to my husband that I'm afraid that his job stress is spilling over into our family life and negatively affecting his relationship with our kids? My husband took a very demanding and challenging job last May. It required us to move to a new state and away from family. His position is much different than his prior job, with interaction with competing demands from the community, HQ and his bosses. There is never a dull moment (things literally exploding is a possibility).

He took the position because he felt stultified in his prior position and was in danger of being stuck in a dead end career path if he didn't leave. I fully supported his move.

The problem is that he has a lot of stress that comes with his job and I think it is beginning to negatively impact his relationships with our 3 year old and to a lesser extent the little one we had in November. He's very short with the 3 year old (who can be trying - I understand) and can't handle more than a few minutes of our new baby crying before crying uncle himself. This has resulted in the care of our baby falling almost solely on my hands and the care of our son in his.

How can I express my concerns to him without sounding like I'm nagging? I don't want to add to his stress but I also want to address the problem that his stress is creating. Throw away email: heisunderpressure@hotmail.com.

How to deal with an inefficient bureaucracy-- from the inside?

Anonymous — Mon, 11 Mar 2013 16:04:21 -0800

What are your strategies and best practices for being a cog in an inefficient bureaucracy? How do you compartmentalize the frustration and leave it in the office? I have a part-time job working in a department of a large and notoriously bureaucratic university, where I'm also a full-time student. Part of my job involves collecting paperwork from academics so they can be paid for services or reimbursed for expenses, and then submitting it to the people who actually control the money. Basically, I'm the go-between between academics and bureaucrats. Usually, things go fine, but fairly regularly, maybe every month or so, something goes wrong on the bureaucrats' side and someone's money gets held up. When this happens, I end up losing tons of time being tossed around from administrator to administrator until someone can finally tell me what happened and how to fix it. I've started to expect that it will take no fewer than three phone calls (each with 20+ minutes of hold time) to get something approximating an explanation -- which usually ends up being something like "Oh, we forgot to send that check out" or "Oh, we just changed this policy but haven't informed anyone."

I am someone who finds it very stressful to not be able to fix things quickly, and I also hate telling people that their money will be late. Even if it's true, saying that the delay is outside my control feels like a weak excuse. As a result, I end up carrying the stress home with me, where it's hard to turn it off and focus on my schoolwork. While I know that this means that a career in academic bureaucracy is not for me, I'm not planning to leave the job in the very near future -- the money is good, most of the time my workload is pretty light, and the people I work with are in the field I study. For now, I want to improve my compartmentalization skills so that when these problems pop up, I can fix them without them taking over my life for a day or a week.

So, my actual question: If you work in a less-than-efficient bureaucracy (academic or otherwise), how do you avoid taking the stress home with you? What are the best ways to be effective without going beyond your pay grade? And if part of your job is dealing with people unacquainted with your special snowflake of a Kafkaesque nightmare, what are your best strategies for handling the mistakes of people deeper inside the bureaucracy?

Guided meditation recommendations for kid with insomnia.

missuswayne — Mon, 11 Mar 2013 07:02:20 -0800

My son is almost 9. He suffers from mild anxiety, and very often can't sleep at night. He gets plenty of exercise most days as he plays sports year round. He reads at night, but this doesn't always do the trick. He's a very intense kid, and rather than cut down on the sports (which very often is the source of his stress, even though he loves playing) I'd like to manage the anxiety. I think some sort of guided sleep meditation might be really useful here, and I'd love some recommendations. Most of what I've found so far either is sort of corny and a little babyish, or is not specific to sleep and is more about mindfulness and not as good for relaxation. Thanks!

Stop-gap strategies for work anxiety

Anonymous — Fri, 08 Mar 2013 07:10:42 -0800

I have on-going problems with work anxiety and impostor syndrome. The worst part? I’m starting a new, high-demand job in two weeks and need help now. For various reasons, I’ve had increasing, crippling work anxiety over the past five years. These is not your garden-variety nerves. This is stomach pain and insomnia-producing anxiety that saps all of my creativity and makes my entire life miserable. I’ve left two jobs before reaching my first anniversary because of it.

This hasn't been too much of an issue in the last year because I'm in a lower stress, cushy contract position. However, this job is painfully boring and full of crazy-making politics, and it will likely be going away soon due to some restructuring. And even though it's low stress, I only made it this long because I took two months off last year to deal with depression and anxiety. I’ve been looking for a new gig for awhile, but I’ve been super picky about what I apply for.

Yesterday I received a job offer for an interesting new position with a start-up. It’s is a good career move with a lot of fringe benefits and a great manager. I think I should take it. However, I’d be nearly 100% responsible for an important part of the business. I’m the only one doing what I do at this company. Also, there are several aspects of the job that are new to me. It might be a fake it til you make it scenario.

I’m terrified. I don’t feel like I can do the job. I think while I have some experience, I’ve never really stayed anywhere long enough to learn anything. I seriously doubt my creativity and my ability to execute. I can't stop thinking I'm a total fraud. But on the other hand, I know I'd feel this way regardless of where I went. Sometimes it gets better; sometimes not. I have a surprisingly good track record and reputation despite the anxiety; I just burn out really quickly.

I’m on medication for bipolar depression and looking for a new therapist (I’ve dumped two in the past year). I also have Klonopin to fall back on. That said, I’ve never been able to properly deal with my anxiety and confidence issues. I’m working on it through meditation; exercise has been difficult because of unrelated health problems.

I know I need long-term therapy. What I could really use, though, are strategies for mitigating some of my fears over the next two weeks. What can I do to build my confidence and prepare for a new situation?

Compounding Life Disasters

Anonymous — Thu, 07 Mar 2013 06:51:57 -0800

I think my friend tried to fondle me in my sleep. My life has been in a bit of a tail spin lately. I am in the process of moving back to my hometown to regroup after a series of hardships. I have been staying on my friend's couch for the past couple of weeks. I am female and he is male. Last night, I woke up and he was kneeling on the floor next to the couch touching my ass under the blankets. I was a little disoriented and turned my head towards him to see what was going on. As soon as we made eye contact, he looked surprised, shot up and left the room. He didn't come back. I sort of laid there a little stunned and couldn't bring myself to get up and confront him. I stayed awake all night, got up early and left. I think he was trying to fondle me in my sleep.

He is my closest friend and we have been friends for years (we have never been romantic). We are both in our early 30s. He has a girlfriend. I obviously am not staying with him anymore, I couldn't sleep at all after that. I have no idea what to say to him. My instinct is just to cut all ties and never speak to him again.

Additionally, I am a very heavy sleeper and he knows this. We even joked about it the day before. I have no idea if this was the first time he's tried this or if it has happened before and to what extent. I can't think if any other explanation other than he was trying to touch me while I slept. But maybe I am overreacting? Does he deserve a chance to explain himself? Could something else have been going on? I have seriously been through the ringer these past few months. Between the stress and hardships that led me to his couch in the first place and this, I have basically no reserves to deal with this. Right now I just feel kind of numb and whatever emotion "WTF?" is. Many of our friends are mutual friends and I don't want to tel them about this.

Do I talk to him about this or cut ties? Should I say something to his girlfriend? If I talk to him, how the fuck should I approach this?

Pinched nerve, Tokyo: physical therapist or Alexander technique teacher?

Kamelot123 — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 19:06:11 -0800

I'm asking this for a friend, A. A has a pinched nerve in the neck that isn't getting any better. He has bad posture and sits in a cubicle all day. He would like to see a physical therapist for this, but has also heard good things about the Alexander technique for correcting posture. Which would you recommend? A works in Tokyo and is very stressed, and tends to hunch his shoulders. He says that his body is always tense, which I can tell easily from looking at him. He leans forward while walking and his neck is super sore. He had to use his cell phone to type often which has him always looking down.He is working on these things on his own, but is worried he is doing it wrong and would like a professional to help him do this correctly. He just bought an ergonomic chair, and is planning on buying a desktop for work (he was using an ipad with attachable keyboard which hurts his neck since he always has to look down).

He does not have health insurance, so a physical therapist would be about $130/hr while the Alexander technique teacher would be $40-50 for 45 minutes. He is intrigued by the Alexander technique, but has heard it takes more than one class to experience results and he would prefer more immediate relief from the pinched nerve pain, which he believes he might be able to get with a p. therapist. The difference in price is big for him, though - he isn't well off. Finally, he heard that the Alexander technique could help him with piano strain as well, since he often gets tense while playing. Then again, maybe the physical therapist could help too?

Has anyone tried either of these services? A would really appreciate advice on this subject if anyone has experience. He doesn't want to see a doctor again, he claims they were useless and a waste of money. Any recommendations for therapists would be most welcome as well. Thanks!

What to do about stress and work?

Ranting Prophet of DOOM! — Sun, 24 Feb 2013 13:16:11 -0800

I've been very stressed for a few months. I've tried managing it, however on Thursday I almost snapped and became quite teary to the point a co-worker mentioned it to my team leader. My team leader was great and told me not to worry. Unfortunately after a stressful weekend I still feel very weepy and have a very tight chest. I think I may need to take a few days off work in order to recover. I haven't got any holiday left so would need to take it as sick. How should I go about getting some time off to recover and get myself straight again? I've been very stressed over various things for the last three or four months. I've tried managing it by taking it easy in the evenings, I meditate (however I've been finding it hard to meditate due to the stress) and trying to manage my stress levels at work by asking for help and taking a bit of time to talk to co-workers as a de-stressing measure. I'm not very good with prolonged stress. I can cope short term and I can cope with a lot if I can plan and be organised. However the last couple of weeks at work have been a cause of stress due to various problems and I've been unable to plan my time effectively and I feel like part of my work has suffered which also makes me stressed. I reached the point on Thursday where I was struggling to hold it together and not cry at work. My team leader was informed by a co-worker that I was stressed and getting upset. He was great about it and said not to worry about it.

Unfortunately this weekend has also been very stressful and I still feel very weepy and am experiencing a feeling of tightness in my chest (thankfully I'm not yet experiencing chest pain, shortness of breath and sleeplessness which will happen if I can't de-stress). I've spent the majority of the weekend at my Dad's just chilling out and because I knew then I'd get some decent food inside me as I just don't feel like cooking. At the moment I just feel so tired both physically and mentally. I feel like I just want to curl up and sleep for a few months. I'm concerned because for several years I suffered with ME and I've been a lot better over the last year and a half. I know that stress can trigger a relapse of ME and I don't want to go back to not being able to do anything.

I think I need to have a bit of time off work to de-stress and recover from this. I haven't got any holiday left so it would need to be sick days instead. However I'm not sure how to go about it. Do I need to see my doctor and get signed off? Or do I just go to my team leader and explain things to him and ask if I can have the rest of the week off sick due to stress? I don't want to let my team leader and co-workers down and put extra work on their shoulders. Also I feel bad that I feel I need to have the time off. I know I need it but I still feel bad thinking about asking for time to heal. Even when I was suffering from ME badly I still felt bad having time off. I really need to go in to work tomorrow as if I don't it would put a lot of pressure on my other co-workers and my team leader. I think I could just about cope with working tomorrow but I'm not sure if I could deal with a whole week.

If it helps I'm in the UK. So what would you recomend I do? How do I deal with getting time off to take care of myself so I don't get to the point where I can't sleep, feel like I can't breath and am having chest pains?

What kind of company name is Internet Brands, anyway?

Anonymous — Wed, 20 Feb 2013 20:11:47 -0800

Need some career advice: Internet Brands has had me for a few interview for a Project Manager, but Glassdoor has some really bad things to say (and good, but those can be phony placements). Has anyone ever worked or know someone that worked there? What's it like? I'll just put it out there that I want a super low stress environment and can care less if the company I work for actually accomplishes anything. This seems to be a major gripe on Glassdoor, and to me, is a bonus.

What I want so almost zero stress, ability to work remotely now and again, and a good work/life balance. If it's managing outsourced programmers updating a band-aid fixed PHP website, then so be it. Glass Door comments all say how low the pay is, but if they match what I want, then that's not an issue for me. The pay seems to be very low for programmers/developers, but the PM range seems in line with the market.

For those that don't know, IB is a website holding company. They started with CarsDirect.com and have since bought 100's of websites that make money. The range from enterprise level PHP backend How-to guides to "Bob's Listing of Bed and Breakfasts" running on an Access DB and FrontPage extensions. Really not cutting edge stuff, and run on shoe-string budgets.

I have too much anxiety in the mornings. Help me make it stop.

(F)utility — Thu, 14 Feb 2013 21:12:09 -0800

I wake up too early every morning. When I wake up, I immediately start to worry about the Stressful Thing in my life. Then I get the tingly feeling in my skin and my heart starts to pound. And then I can't get back to sleep. And because I'm waking up too early, I haven't had enough to sleep. The sleep deprivation is compounding the anxiety. How do I stop this pattern? I am dealing with the practical repercussions of having left a long-term abusive relationship some time ago. My life is infinitely better (in so many ways!!!) than it was when I was with him, but these issues have to do with our children, so it's not as if I can make a clean break.

I am prone to anxiety as a trait, but don't have any diagnoses. It's been smooth sailing for many months, anxiety-wise, but now I'm about two years out from the separation and I'm starting to feel some (perhaps delayed?) anxieties raising their head. I find that I wake up too early, at about 5 AM, and then immediately start to fret about the latest catastrophe he's created, and then that's it for my night's sleep. I get back- and butt-tingles when I'm stressed and panicky, anyone else get that??

I can't seem to short-circuit the anxiety once it's started despite some really good CBT techniques, and I find that this sense of stress carries into my day: I can't eat breakfast, I usually start to dry heave and occasionally vomit when brushing my teeth, and generally just feel nauseous and sick until after lunchtime.

I have a therapist, and we are exploring this. But his is only one perspective. Can you add your experiences or advice about how to get this to stop and get back on an even keel?

(And if you can't address the root cause, then please just address the symptoms: How do I stop early-waking and dry heaving when I'm anxious?)

How do I relax more deliberately?

parudox — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 22:50:57 -0800

Even when I have free time, I find myself rarely doing the thing called "relaxing". I'm looking for how I can better relax, and what I can do to give myself a better environment to do so. Outside of work, I still always have endless things I "should" be doing for my various commitments. In principle, I don't expect myself to be spending all my time on them and I do have enough time to relax, but in practice when at home I often find myself staring at a computer screen without getting much productive or recreational value out of it.

I have a relatively new job to which I'm still adjusting time-wise, and will soon be moving to a new place. Which is to say that much is in flux, and there's a lot that I could potentially adjust in my environment and approach.

In my current place, I literally have no space to comfortably do nothing or to read a book; no TV either. I hope to remedy that when moving, but how big of an effect will this have? And what should I be aiming for when designing space with relaxing in mind?

Generally, what are your tips for getting your mental state or your surroundings to be more conducive to true downtime?

Quitting smoking: Life after butt

Anonymous — Sun, 13 Jan 2013 13:17:04 -0800

Beyond the initial challenges of quitting smoking, what are the longer-term effects? How does life actually change? After years of hemming and hawing about quitting the fatal butt, I Am Ready to make the move. In internet research and discussions with GP and other professionals, what has some up are essentially two phases. The first is literally quitting smoking.

That involves a few days of breaking the addiction, and then a few months of learning to live without it. The results are well-documented. Headaches, insomnia, weight-gain, changes in metabolism, irritability, social disruption. As are the benefits.

There were a few details on how quitting smoking is really a decision to change one's entire life. The body physically changes. Blood vessels change. Gums changes. Enzymes change. Hormone levels change.

There is not very much documentation on how the experience of one's life changes beyond smoking. Most of the online forums focus a lot on the smoking bit, and very little on the rest of life.

GP said that typically with smoking, a person can lead a higher-stress life than is healthy. They can basically overload with stress, because the nicotine masks how much stress they're really under. She said that some people just quit and life goes on, whereas other people completely change their lives. They become different people.

Wondering what the hive-mind experience is in this case? What happened when you quit smoking? This isn't so much about the quitting story, as how your life as a non-smoker went on to change. Once you were free from the tyranny of butt.