Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with strangers

A little distance, please, people!

lottie — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 17:39:47 -0800

Help me say, nicely, "Please don't touch my child". I am the mother of a two year old boy. Lately, it seems like in public he's getting a lot of attention. When we get public transport, people can't help but reach out and touch his cheeks, pat his legs or feet, stroke his hair or tickle his ribs, saying things like "Oh, how cute..." etc. People even kiss his head before I get a chance to say anything. The attention is a daily thing if I take him out. This reached a point of complete lunacy yesterday on a crowded bus when no fewer than three people AT ONCE were pawing him from different angles - a nice elderly lady who had helped us onto the bus, a young, sweet handicapped guy with no sense of personal space (really, truly meant no harm - sort of petting his legs and playing peek-a-boo, which my son enjoyed heartily), and a friendly, middle-aged lady - oh, and the elderly man sitting across from saying "what a good boy, how sweet" etc, while reaching out towards him. It really started to get overwhelming for me, but my kid seems to take it in stride, if not enjoy the attention. I watch him carefully to see if he's uncomfortable at all, and want to put a stop to it before it comes to that.

I don't mind that he seems to be liked - I get a kick out of watching people make cute faces at him while we're sitting in a cafe or something.

What can I say? I don't want to lie, and say something like he's sick with a cold, because son doesn't need to learn to lie casually like that. I just want to say something firm, clear, yet still friendly.

Yes, yes, this should be easy for an adult to handle, but I am looking for some well-worded suggestions that I can feel good about, particularly since these people just seem to be good, well-meaning folk on the whole - you know, nice people who give up seats for us, or help us onto trains. I just don't think it's a good idea for my son to learn that it's OK for people to touch him whenever they feel like it. It's really getting kind of wierd and cloying.

Help me break the ice with strangers!

Chrysalis — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 23:33:58 -0800

I want to be more extroverted and confident and practice starting conversations with strangers... what are some good conversation openers? Tips? I'm female if that makes a difference. Would like to talk to random cute guys with view to potentially picking up but also just generally be confident enough to strike up a brief conversation with a random person while I'm out and about and rack up some practice. Looking for good conversation openers and tips in general.

I'm the stranger my parents warned me about!

bitteroldman — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:09:33 -0800

How do I care for kids when I'm a stranger to them? So here's the back story that prompted this question:

2 weeks ago on a very cold evening a little 10-year-old comes a ringing selling chocolates. As I run up to get some cash, I tell the better half to invite the tyke in from out of the cold.

I pay the little one, I get my chocolate and off she goes, back into the cold.

Me and the wife were then thinking - should we have invited the kid inside? I remember my parents telling me "if someone invites you into their house, don't go in!" and here I was doing that myself! Then again it was cold as hell outside, it was almost instinct that we invite anyone inside...

That got me thinking, what if I'm in my car and see an injured/cold/lost child - do I give them a ride?

What's the protocol?

How do I stop judging people?

abdulf — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 07:24:47 -0800

How do I stop judging people and relate to them as equals? I noticed the people I really admire are those who are respected by a diverse group of people.

I suppose they have charisma. They're usually confident, polite, good listeners. They make the people they talk to feel important. They give compliments that feel sincere. However, they also have an ability to relate to people I wouldn't imagine being in their social circles.

They aren't particularly wealthy, smart, beautiful or powerful. They seem to be comfortable with everyone. It's like they talk to a complete stranger and they've known them for years. Perhaps they would be great politicians but lack the interest for that kind of work.

Anyway, I would like to be this kind of person. I think it would make for a more interesting and fulfilling life, to be able to connect better with more people.

I've been able to do this when traveling. I think it's because I was an outsider and I didn't know the rules of the society and the usual cues were not there. I talked to everyone and everyone talked to me. I was also interested in people because it was another culture.

However, back at home, in the US, I have trouble continuing this.

I know I have this issue where I judge people and that subtly works into how I relate to people. For example, I have a graduate degree, and some part of my brain ranks me as being better than someone with less education. I have friends with just a high school education but even they admit that in first impressions, I gave off a vibe that I was better than them. (see what I did there? "just" a high school education. I gotta stop!) Another example is money. I claim that money doesn't matter, but I feel like I'm more interested in the person driving a Mercedes than someone who pulls up in a Honda. At the same time, I loathe the person in the Mercedes for conspicuous consumption while admiring the Honda driver for practicality. But why can't I seem to ignore the car they drive?

I know prejudice and stereotyping helps us survive, but I'm not sure these are the kinds of prejudices that are helpful.

So I need to work on these first impressions. I find people interesting, but these judgments are causing me to give off subtle cues that make people feel less trusting or less likely to reciprocate. In other words, when I talk to someone, I'm coming to them as someone above them or someone below them.

It's hard to say what I am specifically doing to convey this. I know I'm the kind of person that has to believe in something to portray it convincingly. So what can a relatively ambitious person read, think about or do on a daily basis to eliminate or better control these judging thoughts?

How do I combat these, materialistic (for the lack of a better word), prejudices that impair my current and potential relationships?

How do I stop thinking I'm better or worse than other people so that I can get along with different people?

(note: I'm not worried about people judging me. Well I am, sorta, but there are metafilter posts on that. I'm concerned with my judgment of others)

It's not seasonal allergies

Jason and Laszlo — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 06:48:09 -0800

On city sidewalks, when strangers pass each other, why do they sniffle? Walking toward each other, we size each other up at a distance of 25 ft, then avert eyes, then 10 ft, then avert eyes and as we pass *sniffle* or quick intake of air through the nose that makes a sound. What does this mean? It seems wholly subconscious. Are we tracking a scent? Are they sticking their nose in the air in an aristocratic air of disapproval? I've noticed this phenomenon, so I consciously avert my sniffling because I don't even know why it happens, or what it means. But now I hear it from passers-by all the time. It's definitely not allergies; it seems very focused.

Disciplining strangers' kids

crazy finger — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 16:47:36 -0800

What is an appropriate way to discipline strangers' kids? We live in a nice apartment complex, but recently the neighbors' kids have gotten out of control. Now that the snow is melting and they can play outside, they have turned a communal yard are into a junk-pile of bicycle parts, broken yard tools, and other assorted garbage. I was reluctant to do or say anything about this because I thought "at least they are playing outside and learning to fix bicycles."

Then this morning I was on the phone with a client when I saw one of the kids run out into the yard with a briefcase, swing around in circles 1984-Mac-commercial style, and throw the briefcase into the stream. I felt somewhat relieved that I didn't have to do anything at the moment because I was on a phone call, but now I don't know what to do to correct this behavior.

I have never had kids, I don't have siblings, I don't know how to deal with kids. Furthermore, I've seen parents flip out at strangers when strangers have tried to discipline their children.

What is appropriate for me, as a stranger, to fix this problem with the neighbor children while also preventing any sort of retaliation or un-neighborliness?

Approaching a stranger for whom you feel pity?

CunningLinguist — Sun, 22 Jul 2007 17:12:58 -0800

Approaching a stranger for whom you feel pity – good idea or lousy? So I live in NYC and there’s a woman I’ve seen around every now and then in the neighborhood. She’s very old, and she has that really awful osteoporosis that means she is so bent in two that she can do little but stare at her own feet. She wears a shapeless skirt held up with dozens of safety pins and there are gaping holes in her shoes. I generally see her on Sundays in the supermarket, when she always buys a tiny can of Vienna sausages and two small cups of fruit salad. I typically have a basket full of fancy olives and fresh herbs and expensive steaks and whatnot and it makes me feel utterly lousy. She doesn’t seem particularly crazy and always takes the time to nicely thank the disdainful checkout girl. She rips at my heart. I could be completely off base, but she seems to be lonely. Or alone, at any rate. I would like to talk to her, maybe even take her for a nice meal at the diner or something. Am I nuts? And if not, how would I approach her in a way that doesn’t scream “I feel sorry for you.” Have any of you ever done such a thing?

Why did they make fun of me like that?

Kwine — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 23:42:16 -0800

Strangers have mocked me twice in the last week in the same way. I'm wondering how pervasive this phenomenon is. Sunday, as I was walking down the street, a man yelled to me, "Hey, you dropped something!" And I turned quickly around to look, and I hadn't dropped anything. I looked towards the voice, and it was a man in a truck sitting at a red light with his two buddies. They just sat there and laughed at me, while looking at me as if to say, "Yeah, you didn't drop anything. What are you going to do about it?" I stared at them incredulously for a few seconds and then went on my way.

Today, in a completely different part of town, the same thing happened! I was walking down the street, and a man leaned out of his truck as he was speeding past to yell, "Buddy, you dropped something!" I remembered the earlier occurence and I knew that I hadn't dropped anything, so I didn't even look in his direction and kept walking. He yelled "you're a fag!" as he drove on and realized that I hadn't fallen for his trick; I guess he thought calling someone a fag is a good fallback for making someone feel bad when the first plan goes wrong. In any case, if I was curious before, I was most curious now.

I have never heard of this particular thing happening to anyone before. Ever. Neither has anyone else that I've talked to about it. It's hard for me to imagine the thought process that goes into it. Could there be a "joke" that required less effort? You could do it 200 times a day if you wanted. And now I feel like the social custom of letting a stranger know when he/she has dropped something is being threatened.

Both were white men, in work vehicles, in their mid 30s, I'd say. These events occurred in Columbus, OH. I'm a tall slim nerdy looking guy, 25 years old. Both times I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt and carrying my backpack. I was near a college campus both times, so it's not like I wandered into the wrong neighborhood or something. I'm not actually gay, if that makes a difference. Is it a class thing? Misplaced homophobia?

I realize that people yell things at people from cars; I have a particular loathing for that special sort of asshole who likes to yell drive-by-catcalls at women. But why did these men yell this, of all things? And why at me?

How to start a meaningful, interesting conversation?

JokingClown — Sat, 10 Jun 2006 15:44:52 -0800

How can I get friends and strangers to have a meaningful, intelligent conversation about something deeper than music or cars? Specifically what are some good thought provoking questions or topics to bring up that the average person could discuss? Im twenty years old, and some of my friends are just more interested in getting drunk etc. Keep in mind a suitable answer to the question would NOT involve finding new friends with more similiar interests to mine.

I'm curious to see what answers and suggestions I get.

What gesture is equivalent to a week of free meals?

scarylarry — Fri, 09 Jun 2006 03:00:06 -0800

How do I show my appreciation for housemates who've cooked me several nice meals in a row, when I can't cook and I'm too poor to take them to dinner? I'm living in a houseshare with two guys I'd never met until a couple of weeks ago. This past week was terribly hectic for me, and my housemates generously made dinner for me every night (some of them quite involved and fancy). I want to show my appreciation, but I'm not sure how. I am a lousy cook, and I am really living on pocket change at this time. Normally I'd buy them dinner out or a couple of nice bottles of wine, but I simply can't afford it.

I've offered to do the washing up after each meal, but these gentlemen insist that I relax in my few hours off. For people I don't know at all, they've been incredibly kind, and I want to do something for them. Any ideas?

What is the adult version of "Let's be friends"?

questionmark — Thu, 09 Feb 2006 17:37:58 -0800

What's the adult version of "Let's be friends"? This may sound like a very naive question to some people, but I'm truly clueless about this, and have mentioned it to a few others who admitted they didn't know either. The problem is not about meeting people, it's what comes afterwards.

As I understand it, most of us make friends in workplaces and educational establishments, or at least in locations that you frequent regularly, say a pub or a bar. What happens is generally that you talk to the person over several days or weeks, and if you get on, you invite each other out to an activity or two, and then if you still get on, you are friends, without it needing to be explicitly stated as such.

But what about those one-off moments when you meet a stranger you like, but if you don't say anything you probably won't see the person ever again?

Say you're at a concert. You strike up a casual conversation with a stranger. You find that you like that person, and would like to see that person again after the concert, and maybe become friends with that person.

If you ask the person out for an activity, it may very well be interpreted as actually "asking the person out", as in romantic/sexual, not just friendly. Saying "I like you. We should be friends/do stuff together sometime" is leaving a huge opening for rejection, and would put the other person on the spot and make it very awkward for him or her to say no, if he or she never had any wish to have any more contact with you.

I'm not sure I'm articulating the question very well, but basically I'm looking for the best way to offer friendship without making the other person uncomfortable or having the gesture misinterpreted. The answer is most probably obvious, if so please, humour me and enlighten me. Is there some kind of adult secret code that I'm not aware of?

Finding a roommate on craigslist?

cmonkey — Mon, 07 Nov 2005 08:24:27 -0800

Have you ever rented a room off of craigslist? To maintain my sanity, I need to move out of my house as soon as possible. I'd prefer to move in with friends, but that won't be able to happen until January, and I'm going to have a breakdown if I stay here. I have terrible credit so I can't rent a place on my own.

So I'm turning to craigslist, looking for roommates. I'm introverted and quiet, which makes me wonder if I'll be able to win the personality contest that I imagine the process turns into. Any tips for how to make this work? Warnings? Sneaky ways of getting people to think "yes! I would like this person to move in next week"?

What are the four degrees of foreignness?

gilgamesh — Wed, 18 Feb 2004 09:00:08 -0800

A coworker is trying to think of a quote on the degrees of strangeness from a SF book. Its to do with some Scandinavian (maybe) concept of 4 kinds of strangers - totally unknown, of your species, of your tribe, of your family, or something along those lines. [MI] It is bugging me because it's so familiar that I think it was in something I've read in the past six months or so. He seems to think it's from a LeGuin book, but i haven't ready any LeGuin in years, so I'm not sure if that's where it is from.

Public photography laws

oissubke — Thu, 22 Jan 2004 15:23:17 -0800

I see lots of photographers with candid photos of strangers from the park, on the street, etc., but I'm wary of getting sued just for taking some amateur photos. What laws, guidlines, rules of thumb, etc., should I use when taking photos of people in public?