Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with stranger

Should I worry about the stranger who knocked on my door?

Glinn — Mon, 26 Nov 2012 02:51:12 -0800

How much should I worry about the sketchy character I paid to clean leaves from our front yard this afternoon? I haven't had a sleepless night in ages, but my brain has decided to obsess over the possibly foolish thing I did today. I live in a pretty nice neighborhood (suburb just north of Chicago), perhaps in one the older houses on the street, with my 12-year old car parked out front. A fellow knocked on the door today, took a moment to tell me he was "Jamaican but not a scary guy or anything", and that he had recently lost his job and had a $55 bill of some kind due, and could he clean the leaves from my yard.

He said he was one of my neighbors, and also that he knew my immediate neighbor. I prefer to think well of people, and am also perhaps less skeptical than I should be, so took him at his word. He said $30 to clear the leaves, I said ok, but didn't need anything in the back. He also needed a rake, and a bag. I gave him both. After about 20 minutes he knocked again to say he was done. I took a look. It was not a particularly well done job but the leaves had been pretty bad, and now they were mostly cleared, I figured he was down on his luck so whatever.

Before I gave him the $30 he asked if I could "lend" him another $20. I said sorry, I really couldn't, but that I would give him $35, which I did. I noticed at this point he had a friend with him, who was waiting on the sidewalk. We waved at each other.

Then he asked for a bottle of water. I was a bit bugged by the $20 thing and was finally realizing that probably his story wasn't true at all. (For instance, he does not live "a couple houses down" because I walk my dog and I have seen most of the people on the closest blocks. Also, if he was a neighbor, why not go home for a drink?) But I went to the kitchen and filled an empty water bottle from the fridge. Then I went back and realized I had left the door ajar, so he could probably see the guitar equipment in the front room. This was very stupid. Why did I do that?

When I handed him the water he sort of perched on the railing and tried to make some small talk, in a way that made me uncomfortable. He made some comment about how I lived in a nice house. I thanked him, said I had to go, and closed the door. He said I'll see you again, when it snows. I realized how I should have made it more clear I did not live alone.

We actually live on a fairly busy street, the houses are close together, and in fact there is a city street light directly in front of our house. Do I need to worry about this guy breaking in or something? Any calming words appreciated. Stories about how you had a break-in maybe less appreciated unless you have some practical advice to go with it!

Sorry for the ramble. No sleep and I have to get up for work in about 2.5 hours. Meh.

Please come in, we don't have anything worth stealing anyway

Anonymous — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 06:33:22 -0800

I find it very hard to say no to people. I try to please everybody, especially people I don't know well. I worry a lot about offending, committing social faux-pas or hurting people's feelings. The idea that somebody wouldn't like me makes me anxious. What can I do about it? And how do I learn to NOTICE when my boundaries are being crossed? (I have an appointment with a therapist and will bring this up with them, just to head you guys off at the pass. Meanwhile, I would appreciate your thoughts and tips.)

Example #1: Two strangers show up at my door wearing workers' overalls. They say they're chimney sweepers and would like to make me an offer if they can take a look at the fireplace. They invite themselves in and... I don't know how to refuse. Seriously, I'm a small woman alone in the house with my young child, and I just let these guys walk right in. So now I've got two strange men in my living room, trying to convince me to accept a deal I'm not sure is very good, and I have no idea if they're legit at all. I have to fake phoning my boyfriend and having him refuse the deal, because I cannot bring myself to saying no to these really quite suspicious dudes.

Example #2: I'm on my way to a self improvement course (Improve Your Self Confidence!). The organization offers treatment for people with varying degrees of psychological and/or psychiatric issues. Outside the building I'm approached by a guy who clearly has some serious mental health problems. He starts asking me intrusive personal questions (why I'm there, what my problems are), and I feel so sorry for him that I answer candidly even though I really do not want to talk about my mental health or relationships with this stranger. Also, he sits way too close to me, but I don't move away because I don't want to offend.

Example #3: An acquaintance of mine gets drunk during a night out and starts making remarks about my clothing, my body, my accent etc. Not downright insulting - some are sort of backhanded compliments, others I guess just pretty classic negging, perhaps mixed with a bit of bullying. He's also being a bit too handsy. I'm uncomfortable but just laugh it all off. It's only weeks (!!) later that it SLOWLY dawns on me this was actually inappropriate and something most people I know would never do. And that's after putting an awful lot of thought into it, trying to imagine myself (or my boyfriend, or my brother) behaving like that towards anyone, etc... Until then, I could literally not see what was wrong or why I felt so icky about it.

Example #4: (Not sure this one really counts as boundary crossing, but maybe related anyway.) I'm a foreign student, and I receive the highest score of our entire year for an observational assessment test. The professors give me very positive feedback and a detailed list of everything I did right. Afterwards a couple of fellow students (who were not present during my assessment) tell me the professors were probably just biased and cut me some slack because I'm a foreigner. I say "yeah, probably", even though I have the score card right there in my hands and know I got the points because I performed really well. I just don't want them to feel bad about their own results, even though I think it's kind of shitty to tell me that I probably hadn't earned mine.

There are more (oh so many more) examples going right back to my childhood, but I'm sure you get the idea already. My questions:

1) A huge problem is that I don't realize a boundary's being crossed or that I'm unhappy with the way things are going until it's too late. How do I learn to NOTICE on time that I'm not comfortable with something?

2) How do I learn to be more comfortable with occasionally disappointing people, disagreeing with them, or with people being annoyed with me?

3) I was raised in a culture where conflict-avoidance and avoiding embarrassing or inconveniencing others were the norm. I now live in a country where people tend to be quite opinionated, pushy and open with their criticism. I know that "sorry, it just isn't possible" etc. is the right way to go, but how do I modify my knee-jerk reaction of being as accommodating as possible? How to balance kindness to others with standing up for myself?

The cognitive approach (being aware of & modifying my thoughts) hasn't worked too well for me in the past, at least w/r/t depression. Visualization and mindfulness (and healthy living) have helped much more, but I'm not sure how to apply that for something like this.

Laying Out the Unwelcome Mat

Edogy — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 11:38:31 -0800

Are there good reasons to answer the door to strangers? I am uncomfortable interacting with strangers. I do not, in general, "like people." Much of my life I have ignored knocks & doorbell rings from strangers. Usually I can see if the person at the door is someone I know or not, and if I don't know them I assume they want something from me (usually my soul and/or my money) and don't answer the door. Obviously I don't apply this to the UPS delivery person or people I know or if I was somehow expecting a visit from a stranger (although I can't think of an example of the later). I don't bother entering sweepstakes so I'm pretty sure I'm not going to miss the Prize Patrol.

Are there any good reasons to ever open your door to strangers? I personally doubt that they are compelling enough to overcome the potential downsides, but I'd be interested to hear what you folks think about the matter.

ranting outlets for those on the verge of a nervous breakdown

myntu — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 12:39:23 -0800

I'm feeling down, and need to talk to someone, preferably someone non-judgmental and doesn't know me. Any suggestions besides a suicide hotline? I've never seriously contemplated suicide, so it seems like an inappropriate way of getting feelings off my chest. I'd like to try someone besides a friend - I don't want them to judge me negatively. And I don't want to impose on them at the moment. Who can I talk to? What's an easy way to tell a stranger my trivial problems?

Sorry if there's been similar questions, but I have no idea what would be the right keyword for this.

Thanks for any suggestions.

How can I temper my tendency to despise people?

foursentences — Sun, 02 Jan 2011 14:33:43 -0800

How can I temper my tendency to despise people? I am by nature an uncharitable person, but I would like to become slightly more charitable in my judgments of strangers.

1) Often, I think, if I knew a person's whole story, his or her choices might seem less evil or less stupid to me. Tell me facts about a person you know relatively well, that -- if I understood those facts -- would give me context, and increase my patience when dealing with that person.

(For example: non-obvious medical conditions; psychological conditions; justifiable distractions; life circumstances that understandably have led to otherwise-despicable attitudes or beliefs; hidden motivations or emotional complexes; mindsets that had made sense in past life contexts.)

2) What are other mental hacks or habits that have successfully made you less inclined to despise people you know relatively little about?

3) Have you been successful in reducing your contempt for others, without also reducing your discriminating nature? How can this balance best be struck?

Should I text this stranger?

spr — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 10:52:46 -0800

Yesterday I received a text message from an excited stranger asking me whether I was ready for some sort of meet-up (possibly a first date) tomorrow (today). I duly yet tongue-in-cheekly informed her that she had the wrong number. Now I'm wondering, on a scale from stalker/freak/weirdo to fun/random/friendly, how inappropriate would it be for me to follow up tomorrow, asking if it went as well as she hoped? (Obviously in a humorous and "I'm aware of how random this is" kinda way) I know you are asking yourself "WHY??".

Well, having grown from being an introverted, socially awkward loner to just being socially awkward, I have learned that a lot of fun can be had with people if we put ourselves out there. I have learned that people enjoy attention and interaction. I have learned that I would rather regret something I did rather than something I didn't do. I have discovered the value of taking chances and following impulses, of saying yes, of hopping on a plane with someone you've only met twice, of kissing the girl because you feel like it, of ignoring norms and of just plain ol' living life without giving a hoot about the consequences. If you obey all the rules, you'll miss all the fun, right?

Now, I'm not an animal. I do mostly analyze and think things over quite extensively (seemingly more than most people, even), but always with the above firmly planted in the front of my mind. If I can't see a seriously compelling reason not to do something, then I will hopefully go ahead and do it.

This is one of those cases where I see no serious reason not to do it; however, it seems to reek of intrusive scary weird psycho-stalker type inappropriateness. If I am to stay true to myself, then I will go ahead anyway. I mean, it doesn't cost me thing. What's the worst that could happen? It's not like she will be scarred for life or get a restraining order against me. I'm expecting a simple response along the lines of "Oh it was great :)" at which point I'll probably leave her alone. Best case, however, it will be a conversation starter which might lead to a new acquaintance, if not friendship or even something more. Side-effects may include: a story to tell, additional confidence in interpersonal relationships, a lesson in human nature.

So that's my reasoning for doing it. Let's see if anyone can talk me out of it.

The only reason why I'm making a big deal out of this is that I've read too many comments here in Ask about not doing this or that because that would be inappropriate or scary or stalkerish etc. Otherwise I would probably have gone ahead no questions asked just for the hell of it.

Footnotes:
- I suggested that the message might have been about a first date because if she already knew the person then she probably wouldn't have messed up the number. This was probably the first time she messaged them. Also, she seemed excited and possibly nervous the way women in my experience tend to be ahead of a first date (as opposed to just a regular, friendly gathering).
- I looked up her number online. Turns out I don't know her (surely you figured that much already), but she lives in my (relatively small) city. Although I do want to follow up in order to humor myself and because I enjoy poking and prodding people to see how they react, I must admit I wouldn't have been this engaged if she didn't live in my city. Or if she'd been a guy for that matter.

Feel free to be ruthless when judging me and my thoughts. Tear me apart if you must.

Chords to Cullen Gaylean arrangement of "Wayfaring Stranger"

mzurer — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 12:51:58 -0800

Anyone know the chords in the Cullen Gaylean arrangement of "Wayfaring Stranger"? Or any other arrangement that does not use minor chords in the verse? I see chords online for arrangements where the verse is sung against minor chords, but in this arrangement, it's pretty clear the guitarist is playing dominant 7th chords. Unfortunately all the previews of the tracks I've found don't ever get to the instruments, as they sing through the first verse a capella once. It's on this excellent Smithsonian Folkways recording.

Sketchy encounter while jogging, what now? How do I avoid future confrontations like these?

Anonymous — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 20:38:53 -0800

A lady used my cell phone to call her boyfriend who had just taken her gas money and left; it seemed like a normal (err, kinda) situation until she told me not to tell anyone I saw or talked to her. Should I report this somehow, or am I overreacting? I stepped out for a jog around 9PM as I hadn't been out for a while. After my first lap around the part of the neighborhood I jog in, I received a text and promptly pulled out my cell phone (yes, I'm a teenager). When I did so, a lady on the side of the road came over and wanted to use my cell, going on about how her boyfriend left her here with no ride or anything.

Apparently he drove over to pick her up, took a small amount of cash from her to use for gas, and then left her to go somewhere else -- I didn't catch where, it was either his dad's or his brother's place, the lady was talking too fast for me to keep up. She kept freaking out, wanting to go over to his place to see if he was really there. She also went on about how she needed a ride there, but when I suggested calling someone she knew she didn't really seem to have anyone to call, as she would ignore me or say something vague (like "yeah...").

The lady dialed and redialed her boyfriend's number using *67 multiple times (the counter on my phone went up to around 14, and she also had me delete the number off my recent calls list a few times), despite that half the time it went to voicemail due to him shutting the phone off. She seemed pretty distressed, so I just let her have the phone whenever she asked to call again, though eventually I got pretty uncomfortable.

It all seemed normal (ish) until she started asking questions that put me on the defensive -- she asked if I had an older brother or friend who could drive her over (not that personal, but I'm a minor so this was a bit iffy, didn't seem appropriate for her to do) and where I lived.

Then, the first time she seemed like she was about to leave, she said to me, "Don't call the cops on me, 'kay?" and laughed a bit, trying to play it off like it was a joke. When she actually did leave, she told me not to tell anyone in the neighborhood I saw or spoke to her, which set a multitude of alarms off in my head.

So, MeFi, here are my questions:

1) Should I actively do something to alert someone, whether it be parents (I'm a minor) or authorities about this situation? If so, who, and what main points do I need to focus on or say?

2) Do I have a legitimate reason to be worried about this, or am I just a little shaken because she started asking personal questions, and her little comments near the end?

3) Should I be worried about my personal safety? Not only because of her remarks not to tell anyone, namely the cops, but also because while we were standing around several cars drove by; quite a few slowed down a lot, and though she seemed to recognize a few "neighbors" or "friends," they didn't stop for her. Also, should I worry about someone having my phone number, despite that she used *67 to dial with?

4) How do I avoid situations like this in the future? By this, I mean, how can I get myself to firmly reject someone's request for help? I don't mean to be an ass, but after a few minutes of standing there with her on my phone, I realized what a stupid choice I made -- interacting with a stranger at night, handing over a personal belonging, and then not being able muster the nerve to ask for my cell back, saying I have to leave and be on my way, etc.

One last little question, though this is just to satisfy my paranoia: do I have to worry about transmission of anything viral, antibacterial, infectious, so on and so forth, from her using my cell phone? She also put her arm around my back and patted me on the shoulder real quick to demonstrate what her boyfriend did before he kicked her out of the car, what about that? The entire situation just seemed pretty sketchy, I just want to ask to make sure.

Huge thank you, MeFi, for helping me to deal with this situation. I'm just a bit shaken after that weird encounter, and my habit of being paranoid about this kind of stuff, especially germs and strangers, didn't help at all -- plus, I had to walk/run a half a mile home after the whole event. Everytime a car passed I was desperately they wouldn't stop and ask about some lady.

Throwaway email: sketchyjoggingencounter@gmail.com

Thanks again.

"You should get that looked at" -- yea or nay?

greatgefilte — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 15:13:19 -0800

How far does -- or should -- a medical professional's ethical responsibility go when it comes to the health and well-being of strangers (i.e. people one might see on the street, or in line at the supermarket)? As a purely theoretical example, let's say I'm paying for my groceries and I notice that the cashier behind the till has some pretty characteristic signs of a disease that may be potentially serious, but that they may not realize they have. (For argument's sake, let's say Cushing's syndrome or melanoma.) Should I assume it's (a) none of my business, (b) something that is my business, but perhaps is not a good idea to address because I could be wrong and cause unnecessary anxiety, or they could already be seeing their doctor about it, (c) something I should definitely mention, or (d) something else?

If it's not venturing too much into the realm of ChatFilter, how would you feel if someone came up to you and said, "Excuse me, I'm a doctor/nurse/dentist, and I think you should get [x] looked at."?

How do I tell an odd stranger to back off?

vickyverky — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 10:50:28 -0800

How do I explain to an acquaintance with learning difficulties that his language and actions are unwanted? Some background: I take the same train to work every day, and have always been the sort of person who talks to strangers.

Over the past few months I've been chatting with a man I'll call "Joey," who lives in a care home/shelter near the train station. He is very shabby, but not a drinker or a drug user; in fact, he is mostly very childlike. He may have some mental disability that makes him that way, but I couldn't diagnose him based on that. He takes the same train downtown, and we usually chat about general stuff, like sports or weather or food.

Joey doesn't ask for money, and I don't give him any. I don't know what his mental health is like, but I suspect he's somewhere on the autism spectrum. He is very literal, and he will answer direct questions, but not volunteer much information beyond the answer. He is childishly friendly, although I think he's in his fifties. He is just an odd bird.

He knows I am married, and a couple of weeks ago he announced at top volume on the train, "I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I DO IT BY MYSELF, BUT WHAT DOES SEXUAL INTERCOURSE FEEL LIKE WITH A LADY?" I told him very firmly and quietly that it was a private thing that you do in private, but that he shouldn't ask those sorts of questions in public. He said he wanted to be with a woman and know what it was like, so I sidestepped and told him he had to make friends with a lady first, and then talk to her about it.

He hadn't been inappropriate like that since, but this morning he tried to grab my hand and started shouting, "I WANT TO DO IT WITH SOMEBODY." I told him again, nicely and firmly, that he shouldn't just touch people without their permission, because they may not like it.

He seemed to get this, but I'm worried that by being friendly to him, I have given him an "out" to express his feelings to a woman, and I don't really know what to do next.

I'd appreciate any advice from mental health professionals, or others who might have some guidance in what I could say next time. I don't want to just stop talking to him, because I get the impression he leads a fairly lonely existence -- but I also don't want to have to fend him off every morning, either.

Stranger in Dire Straits

granted — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 20:47:26 -0800

I just passed a young woman walking slowly down the street, barefoot, crying, with two black eyes. About five minutes ago I was walking home from work and came up on a young woman in sweatpants and a baggy shirt, barefoot, with terribly tangled hair. She was walking so slowly and aimlessly that I first thought she was on drugs, and maybe she was, but as I passed her I saw that she had two black eyes and was crying. It looked like she'd just run away from somewhere. I stopped and asked if she was okay. She said, "yeah." I asked if she needed help or anything, and she said quietly, "Oh, no, I'll be fine..."

I went on home, feeling baffled about what to do, and called my girlfriend who also had no idea what to do. I don't think it's too late to call the police, but I also want to respect her wish to be left alone. I'm totally perplexed. What should I do?

Stranger Danger!

boreddusty — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 12:05:22 -0800

I'm looking for a electronic/dance song from probably the late 90s or early 00s that has the words "Stranger Danger" repeated in a male robot voice. Any ideas? From what I can recall, it was a deeper vocoded/"robot" voice that repeated the phrase two times, rhythmically, like so:

Strane - Ger
Dane - Ger

It's probably an older song, maybe late 90s/early 00s. Sorry that I can't give more information. Google turned up nothing except this, which is enjoyable but not what I'm looking for. Thanks!

Absurdly, what is the source of this quote?

hammerthyme — Sun, 23 Sep 2007 09:49:58 -0800

Help me find the source of this famous Albert Camus quote. More inside.. Here is the quote: "The welfare of the people in particular has always been the alibi of tyrants, and it provides the further advantage of giving the servants of tyranny a good conscience."

I have Googled and Yahoo'd and all to know avail. What is the source of this quote? I'm using it in an essay and need the citation. That pesky MLA format.

**Bonus points if you provide the source in MLA format.

The Puzzle of the Puzzle Trade

thelongcon — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 05:04:07 -0800

What does a person mean when they say they want to 'trade puzzles'? Today I saw a sign on an empty shop front beside the bus stop. It said something along the lines of "If you have any puzzles to trade call Alex". So I called the number, a person picked up and I told him I had a puzzle to trade. He asked me how many pieces the puzzle had and I told him 5000 pieces. Things took a stranger turn when he told me he liked puzzles that had 500 to 1000 pieces but he could "only handle up to 1000 pieces or 1001 pieces" and he asked me to tell my friends to call him if they had puzzles of that size. Does anyone know if "500/1000 piece puzzle" means anything or give me some clue to what this guy was talking about? Is he mentally unwell? Is there a puzzle trading society I don't know about? Any help would be appreciated.
Thanks.

I don't want to be creepy, but...

chefscotticus — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 22:21:44 -0800

Is it totally creepy to ask out someone I who I met at a museum ticket counter yesterday? I went to my city's science museum yesterday with several of my friends and seem to hit it off, however briefly, with the girl who sold us our tickets. I left our interaction thinking she was quite cute and my friends, without prompting, mentioned she had seemed into me. She gave me her first-name due to a slight problems with our tickets (we were late with tickets calling us "seniors" as she couldn't figure out how to enter our student ID discounts, and we were instructed to blame her if anyone gave us a hard time), but that's the only info I know.

I assume I could call the museum and ask for her, but it definitely has the potential to come off stalker-esque. Do I have any options? Is there any non-creepy way to pursue this?

Hive-mind, bring me you wisdom...

rgh!

leotrotsky — Fri, 10 Nov 2006 07:17:09 -0800

What are the chairs at the dining table in this photo?

How do you explain your musical tastes to others?

evadery — Tue, 11 Jan 2005 07:36:55 -0800

Indie/ObscureMusicFilter: How do you explain to strangers or acquaintances what kinds of music you listen to? (+) I have a past that is filled with music – enough so that it fills a significant portion of my resume, and makes up a large enough portion of my life. This is all well and good with like-minded people, but I often find myself struggling to find the right words to express my musical interests to strangers and acquaintances – from job interviews to random people I meet from day to day. Sometimes I will mention a few names of bands that I perceive to be a bit more well known and get blank stares, sometimes I’ll name a few genres and get fewer blank stares, but the conversation quickly ends. Often, I ask the person what they listen to, and tailor my answers to their responses by saying less obscure bands within a similar genre, but none of these methods seem right or natural.

So, the question is, how do I straddle the fine line between rattling off a list of bands that no one knows and feeling silly myself while killing conversation, or going the other route and coming off as (unintentionally) condescending…