Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with stalking

Please help me keep my girlfriend safe from a stalker

digividal — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 21:23:03 -0800

My girlfriend is being stalked by a fugitive, what can I do to try and keep her safe, and where can I turn for help. My girlfriend is being stalked by an ex-con. He want to jail for trying to kill her, and her family members. He got out about 3 months ago, after serving 3 years, and he is now stalking her again.

The police are looking for him, but this has been going on for 2 weeks now, and they have not found him.

He started out making threatening phone calls, saying he will kill her her family. He was seen outside their place of business, they called the cops of course, and he ran before they got here (just).

He has not been observed since then, and he has not made a call.
The police told us to do a *57 after he called. he has not called back, but from my own knowledge of phone systems, *57 might not work at all, depending on how he is placing the call.

We have tried to reach out to the media, to try and get his photo and details out to the people (Co), and harness the hivemind in that way, but DenverPost, 9news and other outlets I have tried contacting have not taken any interest. I guess the stalking is not a serious enough crime.

So my girlfriend and her family are at their witts end, after looking over their shoulder for a killer, who might be anywhere.

Any advice you all could offer would be great at this point.
I know the police are trying, but what can we do to try
and keep safe, and still try to keep sane.
She did not work at all for the first week, but she cannot
afford to not work for long.

Recommendations for books dealing with overcoming stalking/harassment?

Anonymous — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 13:22:47 -0800

My mom is dealing with the aftermath of a stalking situation. Looking for books and other things that might help her get through it. My mom has been dealing with an ex-boyfriend-turned-stalker over the past few months. She has pursued every legal avenue available to her and has been very good about exercising all her options, but she's been having a hard time processing the fear and the anxiety that go along with it. She is exploring therapy and victims' advocacy groups, etc., to help herself, but she's also interested in recommendations for books that deal with overcoming this experience in a helpful way. She feels rather isolated because she doesn't have a lot of people around her who understand what she's going through (and a few who have actually made it worse by intimating that it was somehow her fault), and I am currently living a few states away and thus cannot be with her as often as I would like. So if you know of a book or other resource that helped you through a similar situation, I'd appreciate your recommendation so that I can pass it along to her. I think works in which the author's sense of empathy is pronounced would be ideal, because the lack of understanding and concern from our family and other people around her in her life right now is really making this difficult for her.

When does occasional contact from a former colleague turn into stalking?

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 14:36:26 -0800

When does occasional contact from a former colleague turn into stalking? What is the best way to handle unwanted communication from a person for whom rejection may cause real emotional hardship? My fiancee gets occasional phone calls/emails (every few months) from a former colleague. This person is an older man who she had infrequent contact with through a regular volunteer activity. He appeared to be somewhat lonely and eccentric, and as is her nature she made an effort to be friendly. Their interaction was almost exclusively limited to conversations at the events, although they did go for coffee a few times outside. Nothing inappropriate ever happened, just conversation. After a while she felt a little bit uncomfortable with that level of relationship so she made an effort to cut things off.

Apparently they exchanged contact info (email/phone) when setting these meetings up, and he began to call/email occasionally, maybe every couple of months, even with no response back from her, and even after the volunteer program ended over a year ago. The messages he leaves are somewhat disturbing, although not in an overtly threatening way. He will talk about how he's really lonely, in therapy, really depressed, how he doesn't have any friends, etc. Again, these are messages that she has been getting every couple of months, even with no response back to him.

I've never met this guy, but according to her he is a little bit 'off' but totally harmless - legally blind, older (maybe 60s, for reference we are around 30), doesn't know where she/we live, etc. She has a tendency to be very nonconfrontational and so has never told the guy to just buzz off - she is afraid it might make his depression worse or push him over some edge, and so she's generally chosen to just 'let it go'.

Needless to say, this really freaks me out - every time she gets a message it is very upsetting. A few months will go by with no contact, but then out of the blue some new weird email will show up and remind us of this. Based on the limit of their previous interactions, the stuff he sends would be considered way over the line by anyone with a normal sense of human relations or social norms (which he obviously is not).

We have tried to look at this from a compassionate point of view - it seems like maybe he has some real issues and finds some meaning in having a psuedo-'relationship' with her by leaving these messages or sending emails. And it does seem like he might be harmless... but, still it makes me uncomfortable. Perhaps it seems insensitive or cruel to be reacting like this to someone who obviously has problems. Still, it's creepy, and I don't like it. The question is, what should we do? Should we or I just call or send this guy an email, telling him (in as nice a way as possible) that it is inappropriate for an older man to be repeatedly sending these kinds of messages to a younger woman like this? Should we be concerned about the risks that it might cause him to ramp up his contact by responding somehow legitimizing his efforts? Change her phone number and email? Just continue to ignore it? Thanks for any advice.

How can I get my ex to leave me alone?

Anonymous — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 08:47:03 -0800

My ex is still contacting me and begging for another chance more than a year after the breakup. A restraining order is apparently not an option. I can't become unreachable. What can I do? My ex of 3+ years broke up with me very suddenly over a year ago. We had about two and a half months of dissecting the relationship into itty bitty “why this happened” pieces which drove me batty, and I finally ended all communication very abruptly. I met someone a few weeks later and fell head over heels, and we happened to run into my ex on our third or fourth date—well, happened to, in that my ex showed up at my apartment unannounced just as we were arriving there.

My ex flipped out. He started calling me multiple times a day, stopping by my apartment and ringing my buzzer late at night, sending flowers to me at work, writing long drunken emails—basically, he only realized he’d “made a mistake” after he saw me with someone else. I responded only for about a week, trying to gently and then firmly tell him he’d missed the boat. Then I started ignoring his efforts altogether. But they didn’t stop. After a month, I threatened him with a restraining order. He didn’t stop. I went to the police and filed a harassment complaint, but since he’s never been threatening (only whining and begging for another chance) the police wouldn’t/couldn’t help me with a restraining order (I am in NYC). They closed the complaint in front of me. I got in touch with my ex’s mother and asked her to intervene, and she said she would talk to him.

After a few months, it died down to one contact every few weeks, during which time he moved to my neighborhood with his new girlfriend (which he left me a message about). But then this morning, more than a year after the breakup, he sent me another email begging for a chance at friendship if nothing more, and telling me that he has to confess he still loves me.

I should explain here that there’s no way for me to avoid him altogether—he knows my work number, my personal and work email addresses, where I live. I haven’t changed my cell phone number since it’s used for work (I’m an independent contractor and it would be a huge hassle to get a new number to all my clients). I simply can’t become completely unreachable. And while I can ignore every message, I’m still not able to avoid him entirely (he sometimes uses different numbers/throwaway email addresses, I guess suspecting I’ve set up filters to send emails right in the trash). And apparently the police here will not help me. Threatening a restraining order without the ability to follow through clearly didn’t work.

I realize I can’t control someone else’s behavior, but...this is exhausting and irritating. I’ve thought of threatening to start forwarding all messages to the new girlfriend, since I assume she doesn’t know this is going on, and I also assume that since they recently signed a lease, he doesn’t want an uncomfortable living situation, but I’m not sure whether that would work and don’t want to appear vengeful against her. As far as I know, she’s an innocent bystander and I would rather not hurt her feelings, but on the other hand, she might deserve to know what’s going on (I believe he was doing the same thing at the beginning of our relationship, and I would like to have known; I probably wouldn’t have stayed with him for three years).

But the main point is, I don’t want revenge. I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to argue or fight or hear how wonderful I am and how much he loves me. I don’t want to dread checking my email, I don’t want to screen all calls from unknown numbers. I just want him to Leave. Me. Alone.

I should add, he is 30. He knows that I don't want him to contact me (every message begins with "I know you don't want to hear from me, but..."). I am a little afraid of him, although he has never threatened me and never hit me during our relationship. But his behavior over the last year clearly indicates that he has no self-control.

What can I do? What would you do?

Other than hope

boy detective — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 15:52:59 -0800

What does Barack Obama smell like? Despite the creepy and irrelevant nature of this inquiry, I am genuinely curious to know. Pine? Pencil shavings? I want a composite scent based on hard facts. It cannot be an impossible task; he is extremely famous and daily comes into contact with thousands of people who have functioning aural facilities.

- Is his choice of cologne known publicly?
- What about detergent?
- Does he enjoy onions on his sandwich?
- Does anyone have a first-hand account?

I tried a search to no avail, but it's likely I am missing some relevant article (I can't be the first person to wonder. Um. You know?)

Thanks!

Should I follow up with a random hookup?

Anonymous — Thu, 08 May 2008 18:12:04 -0800

A few years ago I had a very drunken, but very exciting hook-up with a woman I met at a bar. I never saw her again, but now she's working at my institution. Should I follow up? I knew her name and where she worked. And every now and then, bored, or for whatever reason I'd google-stalk her. I wasn't really interested in seeing her again... but it was just some little harmless thing I would do. I was always hoping that her job would put a picture of her up on her employee page, just so I could get a look at her again...

Today, again bored and thinking about past hookups, I googled her again and this time she popped up at my own institution! With a picture. It's definitely the person I remember.

About the hookup: We met at one bar and hit it off. Went to another and drank some more. We talked a lot and realized we were about the same age, had the same interests and similar career paths. As we left we stopped in the park and that's where we got physical. We parted ways and I never saw her again. It was very exciting, and I still think about it every now and then. Mainly I think, "Wow. What a weird hookup. That was cool..."

So here I am looking at her entry on my directory. It's all there: office hours, phone number, email, etc. I could stroll over and pop in if I wanted. Freaky, huh?

Realizing all the strange stalker-ish issues involved in a question like this, I'm 99% sure I want to leave it alone. But that 1% thinks it would be very interesting to maybe stop by and say, "Hey. I remember you. We met..."

The way our institution is she is in an entirely different building... so it's highly unlikely I would ever run into her randomly. Also, it'd be hard for me to arrange to "accidentally" bump in to her, although I suppose it could happen if I were to cruise her building form time to time.

So what do you think, hive mind? It's a bad idea, AMIRITE?

George Washington Carver is haunting me.

oats — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 14:34:56 -0800

About once a month, I find a roasted peanut on the ledge beside the outside of my front door. Is someone testing to find out if I am in town? Sometimes it's just a peanut shell. The ledge is about two feet high and narrow enough that it would be difficult to toss the peanut from the sidewalk and have it land there. I'd say this has happened four or five times now.

I live in Mountain View, CA.

Can we not be friends?

Anonymous — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 15:16:26 -0800

How do I "break up" with a platonic friend? I have been friends with a woman, Amy, for several years. We are both single, straight women and in our early 40's.

Our casual friendship intensified last year as we were both going through bad times. I was getting out of an abusive marriage and my ex refused to leave me alone, which lead to terrible confrontations and and jail time for him.

At the same time, Amy had met a man and dated him briefly, but he was not interested. She was heartbroken and continued to try to get him back into her life.

So she and I spent lots of time together and stayed in close contact. She was extremely supportive and really took on my cause. I tried to help her as well, by encouraging her to leave the guy alone and move on.

I have been in therapy and also started a very healthy and happy relationship. She continued her cycle of meeting guys, falling hard, and scaring them off with her intensity. Her last "relationship" was the worst. It was with a married man who promised the world, then blew her off. After their breakup she continued sending him long letters, as well as calling, emailing, sending text messages, IM-ing to the point where he had to confront her and tell her to leave him alone. Recently she joined a club so that she could attend the meetings and see him (so he started attending different meetings, but she has tracked him down again).

Their breakup happened over 4 months ago. She still contacts him every day. She also sends me at least one long email a day about the guy and I tell her repeatedly that she has to leave him alone. She admits her behavior is terrible, but she doesn't stop.

I started to withdraw from the friendship several months ago, when I realized that she was attracted to drama. I was also extremely uncomfortable with her stalking guys, especially considering my own experience. And I was exhausted by her almost daily teary calls about the married man. When I didn't respond immediately, I would get mean messages about how I was not there for her, even though she was there for me.

I'm definitely in the "nesting" stage with my new boyfriend and busy with my work, so I've been using that as an excuse for not seeing Amy. But she does not give up. She has joined my gym, she tried to join one of my activity groups, tries to befriend my friends, etc....

Unfortunately, Amy has no other friends. None of my friends like her. She gets mad at me when I do something without her, but she makes my friends really uncomfortable.

Part of me wonders if I am selfish and if now that I'm past my issues, she's no longer useful and I'm dropping her. And I
while she drives me crazy, I do want be nice, because she is (deep down) good at heart, and seriously hurting.

Already today she has called me three times, emailed once, and sent a text message with updates of her day. Tonight I am supposed to go to a show with a group of people, and they don't want her along with us. I don't know how I'm going to explain it to her. Even as I type this question she is IM-ing me to ask what I'm doing tonight.

So...how do you end a platonic relationship with someone who has a proclivity for stalking and serious boundary issues? Is it possible to "end" things smoothly and without animosity? Or, best of all, how can I taper down the friendship so that we are still amicable, but without her constant contact?

My roommate is stalking my sister.

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 05:35:48 -0800

My roommate is stalking my sister. A few months ago I started renting a room in a townhouse from a guy roughly my age (mid 20s). He owns the place, so he's also my landlord. While chatting when I stopped by to drop off the security deposit, I mentioned that I had a sister living in the same area, and he started asking questions about her. Politely, but as he showed me around the place, every pause in the conversation would be followed by, "So, when did your sister get out of school?", etc. I noticed it in retrospect after leaving that night, but didn't consider it a big deal (and still wouldn't, if that was where it stopped). The next time I came over to move in, that conversational pattern was repeated, and when I noted that she was currently living with two female roommates herself, he made a point of mentioning multiple times that they were welcome to come over and hang out whenever they'd like, and when I note that my family will be stopping by in a few days, he asks if she'll be coming. Still not a big deal. A few days later, she stops by with our parents, and he tries to talk her up, being a perfect gentleman (with the single exception of making a point of drawing attention to how much money he makes).

So now I've moved in, and two days later he says that he thought he saw my sister near where he works during lunch, which is completely impossible. For the next month, literally over 50% of his conversational gambits involve her; I answer, not trying to hide anything, but not bringing her up myself anymore. I actually don't see him that much, since his parents live in town and he spends a lot of nights at their place, which provides a pretext for him to email me asking me for emergency contact info, pointedly offering his brother's cellphone # when he does. I give him mine, without any info for her. He also suggests that we go see a movie, and when I say that sounds good, he suggests that I invite my sister too. I note that she'll be out of town that weekend (true), and he doesn't mention movies anymore.

For the next month, between him spending the night at his parents', and me spending more evenings out of the house, I don't see him much, though when I do he still asks how she's doing and keeps mentioning that she's welcome to do laundry here (I'd stupidly mentioned that she was having problems with it at her place). But I'd hoped that he'd finally got the hint that I don't want to set him up with her. Until yesterday, he mentions that he's located her on Facebook and has talked to her through it (I don't use Facebook, so don't know exactly what that entails).

So far, I've been trying to deal with this passively, hoping that it will fade with time, partly to avoid confrontation with my roommate/landlord, but mostly because I don't really think I have the right (and certainly don't have the desire) to interfere with my sister's romantic life. I still wouldn't really worry about any of this, except that he started becoming obsessed with her before he met her, which squicks me out a little. He's a smart, hard working guy, and between his demanding, impressive IT job, online MBA courses and the time he spends with his parents (his whole family moved here from China 10 years ago, so its a cultural thing), doesn't have much of a chance to go out and meet girls. He seems like a nice, responsible guy, who has latched onto this as his best opportunity to get a girlfriend. I just instinctively always thought that its not really appropriate for guys to expect other guys to help them have sex with their sister. But who knows, they're both young adults, and who am I to interfere with their dating efforts? Should I help him set something up? Should I continue being neutral? Or should I yield to my gut and ask him to cut this out?

One more note: I haven't mentioned any of this to my sister, and she's never mentioned or, until the Facebook incident, as far as I know, even noticed him.

Anonymous for their sake, not mine.

How can I keep someone from finding my home address?

Anonymous — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 18:05:45 -0800

I've got a cyber-stalker. This isn't a case of "OMG, he won't stop reading my blog!" The guy's got a very clear obsession with me and has been sending me long, rambling messages for about a year. He often brags about the amount of work required to find me online, and I'm concerned, based on things he's said, that he will elevate his research to finding me in person. What can I do to protect my privacy? These messages don't directly threaten physical harm, but they're frightening nonetheless. He becomes angrier and angrier with each message and seems to feel that my lack of response and my blocking him from my site, blog, etc is some sort of punishment. I do NOT know him and never respond to these messages.

Just to be clear, I never mention my address or phone number anywhere. The WHOIS data for my site private. I don't post photos of my neighborhood publicly. He does know my real name, unfortunately, and he knows what city I live in. The latter are something I couldn't possibly hide - he's a fan of an art series of mine, and that limited information has been very public for a long time (oh, what I would give for a time machine). With only my name and city, can he find my home address? If that information *is* accessible somehow, what steps can I take to protect it?

What do I do to track my stalker?

beezy — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 22:04:02 -0800

My husband recently recieved a death-threat via email from a former coworker. We want to know what we can do to track his home address, car, and other stuff, so we don't run into him. So, Mr. Beezy worked with a guy, they had a cold relationship, life wen ton. Mr. Beeze left the company about 2 years ago. Then, the team he worked with invited him to come out to a happy hour in a bar in town. They had an altercation, bartender threw them out, and that was 18 months ago. Last week, he got a death threat to his personal account from an anonymous yahoo address, The IP header showed it had been mailed from the guy's work, so we got the hr department to confiscate the hard drive, and they are going to give it to the police. So, today we spoke with a detective to make a report.

Now the party begins. ex-coworker is either going to flip out, or go crazy. We want some basic pieces of information about him: where he lives (the police have three addresses0, as well as what kind of car he drives. It's a big city and there's room for everyone, but I'd just as soon not finding myself nose to nose on a beer run with this guy.

The police are going to interview him, take custody of the hard drive, as well as talk to some other poeple involved. The state may think it's worth to prosecute, or not.

Meanwhile, we feel like a sitting duck, installing floodlights, carrying peppersr\prays, etc.

What are my choices while the wheels of justice turn slowly?

Ex can’t let go after 5 years

Nematoda — Sat, 25 Aug 2007 13:29:10 -0800

How do I get a creepy ex to leave me alone? About 7 years ago I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a very controlling, paranoid, and jealous boyfriend. The good news is I dumped him, had healthy relationships with other people, and got married this year to a great guy. However, out of nowhere the creepy ex decided to email me, asking me to talk about our relationship. I haven’t responded to any of his requests, but he is emailing me almost every day now, and is even offering to pay me money if I respond. He lives several states away, but his emails are really stressing me out.

My question is: how do I make him stop contacting me, while ensuring the safety of my husband and myself? Should I just ignore him, or ask him to stop? I’ve heard restraining orders can trigger violent retaliations, so I don’t want to go that far. I just want him out of my life for good.

Is my friend a stalker?

Anonymous — Sat, 26 May 2007 13:17:16 -0800

Is my friend a stalker? And if so, how do I help her stop? About 5 months ago my friend hooked up with a guy for about a week. She said it was amazing and she fell HARD.

Since then she has been IMing him, emailing him, calling and text messaging him many times a day - I'm guessing about 8 times a day on average. From what she's told me/shown me, the content is generally inane, but she'll sometimes ask him to get together, or tell him how much she likes him, or how sexy she finds him. Sometimes the message/email/im is quite intense - long and full of emotion.

She also drives by his house a lot - more than I think she's admitting. I'm guessing about once a day. Sometimes she leaves him gifts or notes.

At first he was emailing, texting, calling, IM-ing back to her fairly consistently. They were sometimes affectionate, sometimes silly, but mostly explaining that he was not in a place to get into a relationship.

Over the past few months his responses have petered out to nothing. But she persists.

Suggesting that she not get in touch with him seems not to work. I've mentioned other men that might be interested in her. No go. She just cannot seem to stop.

Having been on the receiving end of this type of behavior, I understand how it goes from funny, to annoying, to upsetting, to scary. I have told her my story and she does not get the analogy.

To her credit - I do believe this guy led her to believe that there was the possibility of a long-term relationship. Often his responses to her indicated that he has some interest in her. And he has never straight out told her to leave him alone.

And she does jokingly admit to "stalking" him.

FWIW she is in her late 30's, never married, no kids, and smart and sucessful in every other area of her life. She has mentioned that she behaved similarly with another man a few years ago.

How would you track down someone from an online community?

jojopizza — Sun, 26 Mar 2006 11:38:18 -0800

If you wanted to track down someone you knew from an online community, given only a username, how would you go about it? Suppose you knew someone from, say, a large community blog. You wanted to walk up and knock on their door one day, for whatever reason. How would you conduct your search/investigation/stalking?

Feel free to imagine varying levels of commitment and resources.

Hooking up with old friends

ValveAnnex — Tue, 07 Jun 2005 21:34:15 -0800

How are you about being contacted by old friends? Not in the singles scene kind of way, but in the "old friends" kind of way. A general question - not really seeking insight or advice. For example, maybe you're married, have kids, or you've switched genders, or maybe sold the farm and moved to Alaska. Recently out of prison. Maybe you've bartended at the same place for 10 years, or still live in that corner apartment after so many years. Suddenly, you get an email or phone call from someone you last spoke with 20 years ago who is just saying hello. Maybe they live in your city. Maybe you couldn't stand them. Maybe you had sex once. Maybe you worked together. What's it like to open that email or take that call, once you've skimmed formalities, and consider reconnecting? Are you glad? Afraid? Skeptical? Excited?

Why I ask: I've contacted a considerable number of acquaintances over the past 5 years, mostly from high school, but also from college. Some people are receptive, but others are understandably stand-offish. I guess I have a hard time letting go of relationships. I like to pop in and find out what's up. I take friendship very seriously, and value lasting relationships. I'm not the stalking type (happily married, family, etc.).

But it's so easy these days to think of an old friend, Google them (or Zaba-ping them), and want to just know what they're up to. Is this the fine line of stalking? Am I unfulfilled in my current relationships? Am I seeking the ultimate friend? Am I stuck in the past?

Am I normal?

Internet Dangers

jeremias — Thu, 06 Jan 2005 06:53:21 -0800

Can anyone point me to real-world examples (i.e. news articles) of children/teenagers who have experienced Internet-related stalking/kindapping/harassment?

Blogspot harassment experiences?

dhartung — Fri, 17 Dec 2004 10:26:00 -0800

Blogspot harassment. Anyone have any experience? Google's support response was less than helpful. [mi] Summary: I'm an admin on a board with some people who came over from another board, and there's some friction. The individual in question is a 16-year-old girl who's being made fun of by some old-enough-to-know-better "adults", to the point where they created a Blogspot site just to repost her posts mainly from our board, and make cruel comments.

My reading of the Terms of Service is that point 6b. of the Blogger TOS gives them Cubby v. Compuserve safe harbor, as it should, even though uner 12. the users agree "not to transmit ... any unlawful, harassing, libelous, abusive, threatening, or harmful material of any kind or nature." I'm more concerned with the Blogspot hosting TOS {scroll down}, though, which is stricter; under 4i. stalking and harassment are prohibited, and under 4a. "Content that is unlawful, harmful, threatening, abusive, harassing, tortious, defamatory, vulgar, obscene, libelous, invasive of another's privacy, hateful, or racially, ethnically or otherwise objectionable" is prohibited, and under 4b, postings that "harm minors in any way" are prohibited. I didn't want to go there, but under 4e. a post "that infringes any patent, trademark, trade secret, copyright or other proprietary rights of any party" is also prohibited.

The site owner contacted Google through Blogger's help form and received this boilerplate disclaimer:

Hello,

Thank you for your note. Blogger is a provider of content creation tools, not a mediator of that content. We allow our users to create blogs, but we don't make any claims about the content of these pages. In cases where a contact email address is listed on the page, we recommend working directly with the author to have this information removed or changed.

Sincerely,
Blogger Support Team

Now, they seem to have missed the reference to Blogspot, or I'm missing something. I don't believe or expect that they would nuke the blog whole, though I wouldn't have been surprised if that happened (when Pyra Labs remained independent, anyway); I just expected a pertinent and informed response as to whether the TOS was deemed violated by someone at Google -- and Lord knows they've been very touchy regarding Google search terms and Google textads (the whole "anti" thing). I'd just be happy if the offending posts were removed, but now I'm wondering if we have to assert copyright to do that, and if so, how one goes about doing that for a community (in spirit, we have an identical policy to MetaFilter's -- the posters own their copyright). As I see things now, though, Google's TOS enforcement is looking rather arbitrary.