Is it possible to just be too damn awesome?

Anonymous — Sun, 26 Nov 2006 07:25:10 -0800

Is it possible to just be too damn awesome? I'm a woman in her early 30s and I've been single a long time - since my mid-20s.

When I was younger I had relationships of varying lengths, from several months to several years. I took a break quite intentionally in order to go back to school, focus on myself, deal with depression: to get my house in order. I thought that I might spend a year or two alone, grow as a person, and then smoothly resume dating like normal people, but somehow, years later, I find myself a spinster.

I'm doing all the stuff that people say you should. The time I've spent alone has been enriching, and I have a good life, a good career, good friends, and many things going for me. I enjoy spending time alone, but I have hobbies, take a continuing ed class, and take good care of myself physically. I'm generally well-liked and well-regarded. I'm no beauty queen but I'm reasonably attractive, I'm sexually driven and confident, and I am intelligent with interesting thoughts. Many people, when discussing relationships and singledom, have expressed amazement and confusion that such an eligible lady as I has been alone for so long.

Meanwhile, I've taken every approach out there:

"Get out there and take on new hobbies."
"It'll find you when you've stopped looking."
"It's OK to pursue him. Ask him out."
"Men don't want to be asked out. Wait for him to ask."
"He can't read your mind, be up-front that you're interested."
"Just tell him you want to fuck."

Still, I'm perpetually, firmly, unfortunately single.

Over the years I've gone through periods of sadness where I bang my head on the wall trying to figure out why I can't be loved. During a couple of these periods whilst talking to male friends, it has been posited to me that I intimidate men by being too awesome. I seem confident and have my shit together, and either I don't seem like I need anyone, or I otherwise scare men away.

I think it's an interesting theory, but I'm inclined to think that these men were just answering the question the only kind way possible.

Is it a real possibility? Could I be too much for men? Has building character and becoming a richer person made me unlovable?

On the flip side, would men generally prefer that I be more helpless, less capable?

I know that no one here can tell me why I'm apparently unappealing. I just want to know if my friends' theory could possibly be true, if it's a known phenomenon - and if it is, how on earth to proceed in the hopes of someday finding a partner again. I don't need a man to be complete, but everyone needs affection. It's been years for me and I'm withering without.

[questions can be sent to quasiawesome@gmail.com]

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Is it possible to just be too damn awesome?