Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with socialskills

Feedback on my interpersonal skills

wireless — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 12:44:50 -0800

How can I get constructive criticism on my interpersonal skills? I want to get constructive criticism from others on my interpersonal skills, both in terms of:

(1) How I can make a better first impression (e.g. what conversational mannerisms and tics I have that convey me in a negative light)

(2) How I can improve as a friend/acquaintance (e.g. what things I do that rub people the wrong way or make me lose their respect)

I've asked my small circle of close friends for their feedback. They've given me a few tidbits, but I'm interested in candid feedback from sources less close to me.

For point (1), I think I'm already doing fairly well, but am looking for specific targeted feedback to take me to the next level. I think just seeing video of myself interacting with others could go a long way; however, I'm not sure logistically how I would arrange this.

As for goal (2), the ideal would be to hear what someone who mildly dislikes me thinks about me. However, there is nobody in my life who fits this profile and whom I think would be appropriate to ask for direct feedback.

Any ideas on either of these subjects?

Socially Awkward

Garden — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 12:02:46 -0800

Does anyone know of some good reads on conversation and social skills? I'm not suggesting that you can learn these subjects entirely by a book, but what I'm looking for is some methods to make communication a little bit easier when meeting someone or groups of people. It's rather embarassing, but I'm getting more and more uncomfortable with meeting new people as time goes by. The strange part is that when I'm around friends or family that I know, I come off as articulate, thoughtful, and at times funny.

This all disappears when I'm meeting new people. I'll either wait for someone else to say something or I'll just go completely blank.

I've seriously considered trying hypnosis for this problem as I can't stand how uncomfortable I am when I'm in these types of encounters. I don't even understand why this has become such a problem for me, but it is getting worse.

I'll ususally plan some questions for when I'm in these situations, such as checking out the news or making sure to ask people open-ended questions, but boy do I have a hard time when it comes time to do it. I'll completely forget what I had planned out and then I'll get stressed when people ask me questions.

After the encounter is over, I'll be able to think about a ton of different things I could've asked or responses I could've made.

Unfortunately, when I'm in these situations my brain seems to shut off and all that I keep thinking is remember to smile, don't talk about yourself, pay attention to the people's body language, don't be so serious.

If anyone has some suggestions on books or methods that they've used to get over this, please let me know.

Best English-language books on improving one's social and conversational skills

cotesdurhone — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 13:24:01 -0800

What are the best English-language books in existence on improving one's social and conversational skills? A good friend of mine is intelligent, nice, and pretty-- but has somewhat low self-esteem, is fairly self-conscious, and has inveterately been awkward in various social situations, especially at parties and other larger social events.

She recently started graduate school, and has been complaining to me that her social awkwardness continues, hindering her from getting to know her fellow students and making connections and friends.

Her birthday is coming up soon, and as a present I wanted to give her a collection of 3-5 books that bode to help her build self-esteem, overcome social anxiety, and improve her social and conversational skills.

I spent a long time searching Metafilter and manifold websites for suggestions on the best books that address these issues as comprehensibly as possible. I've pasted the results below.

Though there are thousands of such 'self-help' books, which made the search a bit precarious, I couldn't find any that seem particularly good. The best of the lot, for various reasons, seem at best 'just decent'-- limited, reductive.

I can't help thinking that there must be better ones, maybe written long ago and forgotten, maybe esoteric, I must be missing. Otherwise, the genre seems to be lackluster. I'm curious to hear any recommendations.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“True ease in talking comes from art, not chance, as those move easiest who have learned to dance.” - Alexander Pope

books
-- How to Win Friends & Influence People - Dale Carnegie [doesn't teach how to improve self-esteem, or why/how to be interested in others]
-- Conversationally Speaking : Tested New Ways to Increase Your Personal and Social Effectiveness by Alan Garner [mediocre to decent reviews]
-- The Art of Civilized Conversation: A Guide to Expressing Yourself With Style and Grace by Margaret Shepherd [mediocre reviews]
-- The Art of Conversation: A Guided Tour of a Neglected Pleasure by Catherine Blyth [below mediocre-to-decent reviews]
-- Messages: The Communication Skills Book & Messages Workbook - Matthew McKay
-- The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron
-- COPING:A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR PEOPLE WITH ASPERGER SYNDROME by Marc Segar -- //www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~alistair/survival/

Other books (but probably worse than the former)
-- The Fine Art of Small Talk: How To Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skillsand Leave a Positive Impression! by Debra Fine
-- How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less by Nicholas Boothman

Self-Esteem
-- Self Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning
-- The Self-Esteem Companion by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning
-- Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante H. Gunaratana -- http://www.budsas.org/ebud/mfneng/mind0.htm [suspect]
-- Out of Your Mind by Alan Watts (audio) [suspect]

Overcoming Social Anxiety
-- The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety: A Guide to Breaking Free from Anxiety, Phobias, and Worry Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy by John P. Forsyth
-- Daily Meditations for Calming Your Anxious Mind by Jeffrey, M.D. Brantley, Wendy Millstine

SIRC Guide to Flirting/ Advanced Guide
http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html

Edge Foundation
http://www.edge.org/q2008/q08_index.html#alda

Website devoted to improving Social Skills [seems at least okay]
http://www.succeedsocially.com/index.html
http://www.metafilter.com/69152/Succeed-Socially

"Positivity BLog" [decent, okay]
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/01/17/dale-carnegies-top-10-tips-for-improving-your-social-skills/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/11/15/how-to-improve-your-social-skills-8-tips-from-the-last-2500-years/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/04/10/17-inspirational-quotes-on-people-skills/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/09/05/7-habits-of-highly-ineffective-people/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/04/02/16-things-i-wish-they-had-taught-me-in-school/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2009/03/26/my-favorite-productivity-tip/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/07/22/five-awesome-and-five-awful-conversation-topics/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/06/27/5-conversational-mistakes-that-can-make-you-look-dumb/
(middling) http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2006/11/05/do-you-make-these-10-mistakes-in-a-conversation/
(middling) http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/09/17/do-you-make-these-7-body-language-mistakes/

Steve Pavlina Website [middling, poor]
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/how-to-go-from-introvert-to-extrovert/
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/risk-vs-reward-in-human-relationships/
http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/36993-how-do-you-socialize-when-you-really-don-t-want.html
http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/37205-unspoken-rules-social-interaction.html

For Fun
http://www.image-pro.ca/
http://www.psow.com/
http://www.perfectlypolished.com/
http://www.redhatsociety.com/

Need ways to teach/model social skills to/for a preschooler

jeanmari — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 06:54:41 -0800

Are there any children's books or movies that can help a parent to discuss or teach better social skills to a preschooler? Have a friend whose daughter struggles to read subtle social cues from other kids. She is completely confused by other girls her age, their body language, or subtle changes in facial expression. She seems to prefer to hang out with boys who are very obvious in expressing what they are feeling or thinking. My friend is cool with the "hanging out with boys" part, she was a tomboy too, but she has seen her daughter struggle with relating to the girls at preschool. She wants to play with them and seems to get her feelings hurt a lot by misunderstanding what is expected.

She is a bright, creative, verbally articulate, curious, sensitive child. My friend doesn't think this is a huge problem, she has friends outside of school. But being able to read people is a skill and, if there are children's books or videos that she can slip into the mix at home, she thinks that might be useful.

Her daughter seems to be "parroting" what she hears at school in pretend play ("You aren't my friend", etc.) when my friend can overhear her. This is preschool and that is to be expected.

What say you, Hive Mind? Anything you can recommend?

There should be a 4th "R"- The Real World

sixcolors — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 16:49:56 -0800

Why aren't life skills taught in schools? I guess I'm talking about knowledge and skills that pertain to finances, work life, domestic life, social/dating life, the internet, and the law. And...how the education system works, itself. Pretty much the same categories we have here on AskMe.

Wouldn't life be so much easier for us if we learned those sort of things in school or in college?

I mean when I was in high school there was ONE course that taught such things, but it was really really basic stuff. I am speaking of more comprehensive programs.

I'm trying not to get all philosophical here, I am aiming for more concrete answers...like is it a funding problem or what? Not enough hard science or research behind those areas? Those are my guesses. For those who are familiar with the educational system, what are some more concrete reasons why such programs are rare?

are acting lessons a good idea for me?

krautland — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 07:19:57 -0800

are acting lessons a good idea for me? I must have held a million presentations in the last twelve months and I noticed how much my delivery has changed. I find it much easier to read people now - when to move on to the next page, when to elaborate, when they 'get it,' those sorts of things. I have fallen into a pattern - how to start, how to explain a piece of work I am presenting, how I make people understand it. I used to think I was pretty good at presenting my work before and only now that I've practiced this relentlessly out there I realize how mistaken I was. I was the quintessential nerdy designer, stumbling and mumbling from page to page.

I wonder how to keep improving my presentations - I wonder if there are speaking tactics that would help me especially when I'm presenting work to people I don't know yet, if there are ways to win over my audience that I am not aware of. you can't work on issues you are not aware of yourself.

so that's where acting classes come in. I wonder if they'd be useful for me of if there is something entirely different I should be considering to work on my presentation and people skills. making strangers like you doesn't come natural to germans.

to those who have taken acting classes: what were your experiences? what would you recommend I look out for?

Help me to become disarmingly (fill in the blank)

kitcat — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 17:29:45 -0800

Some people have this mysterious ability to be - disarming. Please explain this skill and help me learn it! Disarmingly funny, disarmingly beautiful, disarmingly friendly, disarmingly simple. What does it all mean?

The dictionary definitions of disarming (in this context) give something along the lines of "eliciting positive favor." But that begs futher explanation as far as I'm concerned. Here's a senario. The other day a woman I barely know described my personality in one short phrase. She was accurate. It was unpleasant for me to hear, even though the description would not be considered negative by most. Nevertheless, my internal reaction skipped from shock and dismay straight to utter admiration and I, a person who typically freezes up around others, suddenly wanted to spill my guts to her about anything and everything. ????? How did she do that? I suppose you'd say that she'd been "disarmingly frank."

The point: I want to learn the mechanisms behind 'social' disarmament. My goal here is NOT to trick people into liking me. Rather, I'd like to learn how to 'cut to the quick' in an ethical way. I think learning this could accomplish a lot towards creating deeper relationships with other people. Especially the ones who, like me, are pretty reserved in their interactions.

If you think you understand what's going on here, please explain. And is this a skill I can learn?

help me Be Cool about a crush on a co-worker.

phonebia — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 20:29:26 -0800

Have crush on co-worker; not sure how to deal. I have questions within questions, and need both honest and realistic answers about basic human interaction. Rather lengthy. BACKGROUND:
I’m 25, female, straight, shy, and nearly 100% inexperienced in dealing with guys, in the romantic sense. Not an exaggeration: I’ve been on 1 date ever (nearly a decade ago). And I’ve never even held hands with a male before, much less done anything whatsoever beyond that, casual or otherwise. Additionally, I’m semi-nervous around guys in a non-romantic, social context (i.e. non-work, non-school), but the nervousness is handle-able.

I’m not diagnosed with any disorder, mental or otherwise; I have mildly oscillating self-esteem about certain things, but am comfortable doing stuff alone; I am by nature a private person, but feel a bit lonely sometimes. I have one close friend, who happens to live in town, and once in a while I hang out with friendish acquaintances that I've known for ages (but don't necessarily consider as close). I have been told by people I’ve known for 10+ years (family and not) that I sometimes give off super-aloof-vibes when people are just trying to be nice, or trying to get to know me better. I agree with this criticism (as I’ve caught myself in the past just being downright cold for no good reason), so I’ve tried to consciously tone that down, and emphasize the friendliness, and I think I’ve improved over the last few years. It’s a clumsy, continuous effort though.

This lack of experience is why I need some basic things explained to me.

THE SITUATION:
I have a crush on a co-worker who is about 3 years older than I am. He is in another department (we have very minimal work-related contact), and has a work schedule that is both extremely rigorous and varied, and is different from week to week (includes days, nights, and/or weekends, in various parts of the city). I work the 8-5 shift and am a full-time undergrad student. I see him maybe 1 day a week (in the office), 2 days if I’m very lucky.

We both have a thing for movies. If he is not rushing off somewhere for work, we'll end up chatting briefly about a movie one of us recently saw. Usually he initiates; sometimes I do. These last up to 15 minutes at most; we've had maybe 4 conversations of this length on this one subject in the 8 months we've been acquainted. This counts in my book as “barely any interaction at all.”

And yet, I have been attracted to him from the start. There’s no indication that he is anything towards me other than just-being-pleasant. Plus, I am busy, he is even more busy, and we’re pretty much strangers so it seems bizarre to me a) that I feel like this, b) that I feel like pursuing this in some manner, c) and that there’s a chance in hell he’d be at all interested. And, possibly worrying: I have NO CLUE what I want out of this apparent crush. All I know is: I am very attracted and curious about him, and therefore want to talk to him more, spend some time with him. And I don’t know how to deal with it, and what is considered appropriate.

QUESTIONS BASED ON THE ABOVE:
Assume that he is single, and that the office has no policy against dating people in the workplace:

1. Am I mistaking “ooh, potential friend!” feelings for “omg I totally have a crush on him” feelings? Does it matter or is it bad that I don't know which feeling it is? How do you tell the difference if it’s not obvious? (I think he's cute, but it’s not like I want to jump him or anything. I might later if something develops, but erm, not just yet.)

2. Would it be considered creepy for me to say to him, during one of these talks, “hey, I have an idea! We should see a movie sometime!” i.e. is the interaction we’ve had considered normal grounds for me to ask that question?

3. If the interaction we’ve had is NOT considered normal grounds for me to ask (or if the following method is better), should I try to steer these brief conversations (if you can even call them that) towards the more personal (generic getting-to-know-you sorts of things) and then try asking him out (because that is what it is, right??)?

4. Should I just not bother?

5. Am I way, way overthinking this? Is the best thing to do just to relax, blurt out the question, and if he says no, then reply, “OK!” and then act exactly as before? I don't want to weird him out.

How do I read people's interest?

Anonymous — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 17:58:10 -0800

SocialSkillsFilter: How can I become better at reading people, and telling whether or not someone is interested in pursuing a friendship farther? Some background: I am a male high school senior, fairly shy/nerdy, but in the past year or so, I've opened up and started going to parties and hanging out with more people. I have never had an actual relationship with anyone. I am (I'm pretty sure) good at talking to people, making jokes, causing laughs, smiling, making eye contact, etc.

However, I have great difficulty in reading people. A while back, I started hanging out with one friend a lot more (though not too much outside of school/school activities), we got along really well, lots of laughing, teasing, etc. When I asked her out on a date, it turned out that she wasn't interested at all.

So, how can I become better at telling whether or not someone is interested in pursuing things farther? And (though this may seem really obvious), what is the best way to tell them that I am interested/ask them out?

Sorry if this seems too "peuggh hiiigh schoool," but that's the way it is.

How do you act in a gay bar?

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 16:15:07 -0800

Just out of the closet. Little bit socially clueless. Teach me how to behave at a gay bar. Ok, there's no rules, just be yourself, etc. but I could use a few pointers. Picking up guys I can handle. It seems like not picking them up is the hard part. I've dated women, so I can handle pursuing people, but I don't know how to put on the brakes without acting like a jerk - I've never had to!

How do you make friends without looking like you're cruising? I would love to meet a few guys I can hang out with, and I'd rather not just screw my way into a social circle. What's the signal for "Hey let's talk more and maybe hang out sometime but I don't want to sleep with you"?

How do you deal with physical contact? I've noticed there's a lot more friendly touching than I'm used to, and I LIKE THAT JUST FINE as a friendly thing, but how do you respond without inviting more?

What if you want to get to know a guy better first? Do you get his phone number? Buy him dinner? I know this sounds ridiculous but all my dating experience is with women and this seems so completely different that I don't know where to begin.

Sorry if this is long winded. Really, any tips you've got on navigating the bar scene would be awesome.

Fix my faux pas or forget it?

Anonymous — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 07:08:23 -0800

Should I try to fix some insensitive behaviour of mine? I was speaking to a colleague today who I don't see as often as I used to, maybe once a quarter. I admired her sweater, she mentioned it was from her mother. I asked whether her mother was still at home (knowing that she had had Alzheimer’s for several years now AND not wanting to avoid talking about it because, you know, people do), and it turns out her mother is in care. I think I said, I'm sorry, that must be hard. How's your stepdad taking it? She tells me that he's at home by himself, and doesn't want to go into care, but because he's had a stroke and now has no-one to talk to, he's losing speech abilities. That's rough, I said. Does he get a chance to see your mum? I asked. Once a week, she said, he gets a taxi and spends time with her, and they feed him, and he gets community support in the form of supplied meals. It must be hard, I said, for him, seeing her. Not that it isn't for you, (panic) but he's there watching it happen. (Oh god.) And then she mentioned that they met through an agency 20 years ago, and married, and so on. She did tell me that her mother still recognised her and knew her but that was about it.

Later, we went to coffee with another colleague and didn't mention it again, but it wasn't until 3 hours later, after I left work that I realised how much I minimised what she must be going through.

So, I was an insensitive callous cow, but every time I think of contacting her to say, "hey, colleague, I was such an insensitive callous cow, I'm sorry, I can't imagine how difficult it is for you, and by the way, did I mention, I'm insensitive," it seems like it's about me feeling better, and not about her.

So, if you had a friend/colleague ever be stupid like that, and you think like a woman, would you have preferred that they just shut up and forget it, or made contact. Other issues include that she works in another branch so face-to-face won’t occur for about 3 months, and I guess you can imagine, my primitive social skills might cause a phone call to make it worse, which leaves a letter, card or email, and they all seem wrong.

So what would you do? What's the kindest thing to do?

Help me understand human behaviour

ssg — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 05:49:41 -0800

How can I better understand social cues? I am looking primarily for books and other resources to better understand social cues, but I also welcome direct responses.

I find it difficult to interact with others socially. I think that part of my problem is that I have difficulty understanding other's social cues and sending appropriate signals myself. I've noticed this deficit mainly with contextual cues, but I'm sure I say inappropriate things as well.

For example, I don't make eye contact when I should and when I do make eye contact, I don't know how long to hold it for. I find it difficult to determine the appropriate moment to start speaking, especially in a conversation with more than one other person and I don't seem to signal others properly that I am about to speak. I'm unsure what sort of expression I should have on my face when listening to someone and so I tend to default to a blank expression. Although I probably don't notice most of the time, I can sometimes see that I am somehow making others uncomfortable.

I've found a lot of self-help books that deal with what to say when conversing with a relative stranger, how to make small talk, and so on, but haven't found much that deals with the contextual cues in detail. If I had something like a field guide to these cues, I think I'd be able to identify them in others and eventually use them myself, but at the moment, I don't even know what to look for.

Hi, I'm AWKWARD! (But how awkward am I?)

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 09:19:27 -0800

Do people with under-developed social skills know that their skills need work? If so, how? I’ve had trouble making and keeping friends throughout my life, from childhood, though high school and college and now into adulthood and the workplace. I only recently realized this pattern-- I’ve always been consumed by my work and always told myself that I could have friends if I wanted to make time for them. Turns out that might not be true.

Now I’m trying to figure out why people don’t seem to seek out my company, or don’t seem to enjoy spending time with me. I’m pretty sure that I’m no more awkward than your average nerd… But it recently occurred to me that lacking social skills would probably prevent me from, uh, knowing that I lack social skills. Hence my question: could I be completely socially inept and just not know it?

Some pertinent points:
-I feel pretty confident saying that I don’t have Asperger’s or the like. (I worked in social services for some time, am highly emotional, and I think I do well with “reading people” and navigating internal politics.)

-I get very nervous in social situations and become afraid that I’ll say the wrong thing. That, coupled with a diagnoses of Adult ADD (and the impulse control problems that come with it) means that I often *do* say the wrong thing. Never hurtful things-- more like jokes that turn out not to be funny, or revealing things I shouldn’t have.

-I’m shy and tend to be quiet around new people-- largely out of nervousness (see above). Do people just think I’m unfriendly?

What else should I be looking for? And do you guys have any advice for remedying this?

Since I can’t send anonymous thank yous, I thank you now, MeFites.

How do nice people do it?

freshwater_pr0n — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 18:58:45 -0800

I've always admired people who are just genuinely nice, warm folks and inspire everyone they talk to. I'd like to be one of those people when I grow up, but I don't know how to do it. Sometimes, when I do or say nice things, people get freaked out and think that I'm hitting on them, want something from them or am being insincere. That isn't the case, but every time it happens, I get a little more timid about doing nice things for people. It's easy to get by with a prickly Dorothy Parker routine, but that's not how I want to live my life. And I'm sick of not doing or saying nice things just because I'm not socially adept enough to pull it off. Being an asshole is easy, and no one ever questions your motives. How can I, as an introvert, act upon my nice impulses without freaking people out? What's the secret to being a mensch?

As a shy, socially unskilled introvert, how do I develop a relationship with my boyfriend's teenage daughter (who hates me)?

anondonna — Sat, 24 Feb 2007 12:12:42 -0800

I am very shy, quiet, introverted. I find that interactions with people take a great deal of effort and energy from me. I don’t really have any friends and I find the social interactions needed to develop them difficult – and, more importantly, I feel like I don’t know how to interact – it’s uncomfortable. That said, I’m really not upset by this. I like being alone and my relationships with my boyfriend, family, and a couple of colleagues at work are more than enough for me. My boyfriend (who I live with) has made it very clear that he doesn’t like my introverted nature – the lack of sociability – as he finds it unusual and extreme and feels like I begrudge him his social time. (Which I don’t - he’s free to hang with his friends; I think he just feels bad). The main problem is that he has a 16 year old daughter. She’s a really nice kid that’s very bright and extremely social. See where I’m going? I don’t know how to interact with this kid and I feel like a complete dork. This is high school all over again! Moreover, she’s not that hot about me because of a couple of intense “family” arguments two months ago wherein she “told me off” for giving advice about stuff that she thinks I shouldn’t have. Typical teen stuff. But – the argument expanded to include my bf’s ex as well (long story – he was sick in the hospital, I was there 24/7 while she wasn’t and tensions rose). Teen has made it clear that she doesn’t like me – avoided the holidays with us and so on. Problem: It’s been nearly 2 months. I walk on egg shells when his 16 year old daughter is here. I keep to myself and try to let the bf have time with her. Today I learned that he’s pissy about that – accuses me of not trying to have a relationship with his daughter and hiding. I’d love a relationship with her but I’m afraid; I know she dislikes me and I know that I’m not socially skilled. I do what I can, like cook all kinds of stuff, when she’s around, but I don’t know what else to do. I’ve become so anxious about this, popping Zantac like crazy, and am just plan afraid. How do I develop a relationship with a teen who hates me?

Help me learn to make friends when I don't feel like I deserve any.

MadamM — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 23:28:19 -0800

I've become dissatisfied with my social skills. Please, help me learn to act more like a normal human being. Since I was a little kid, I've preferred my own company to that of others. I spent most of my time in elementnary school on my own and I never felt a lack. I rarely socialized outside of school and didn't really understand why other people did. I mean, I sae my friends at school every day. What was the point of seeing more of them when all I wanted to do was read or play imaginary games on my own? The last few years, though, I've started to feel like I somehow missed out on friend-making 101. It's not that I have a problem making them; I've usually never had trouble making friends with people when I'm in a new situation. It's just that I can't keep them, or I can't turn a casual friendship into something more. For instance, say I'm in a class with someone I know casually. I'll spend the entire semester or whatever hanging out with them, talking, working on projects, whatever. The problem comes when I see them outside of that context; I usually don't even acknowledge them. Not because I don't want to, but because I assume they don't want to talk to me. My first assumption is always that people don't like me, which leads me, I think, to sometimes treat people badly in an attempt to ward off their rejection. I can easily make the first move when it comes to getting acquainted with someone, but the next move, the one that turns into actual friendship, is something I'm incapable of. This also causes me to lose touch with friends I no longer see in class or whatever. We just drift apart, and I can't seem to be the one who keeps things together. This has happened with people I've known since elementary school and with people I meet randomly over the summer. Even on something as dumb and superficial as facebook, I'm never the person requesting to be friends. I just hope people will come to me and when they don't, I think it's because they don't like me, not because they may be waiting for me to do it.

This probably isn't very coherent, but I'm trying my best to tie a bunch of things I've noticed about myself together into something that makes sense. Mostly I think my problem is a basic lack of that old school counselor stand-by, self esteem. I really just don't think I'm all that great. I make my friends laugh all the time, people don't usually actually recoil from me and seek out my company fairly often but I assume I bore people, that I come across as fake and strange and uninteresting and awkward. I'm shocked when someone wants to talk to me (barring my closest friends). Being a 17 year old girl, I worry about my physical appearance as well. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I'm surprised by how not-ugly I am, because my working image of myself is not particularly attractive. Sometimes I think things will get better in college, but chances are that no matter what my circumstances, I'll still find myself running up against the same problems. Now that I'm more or less done whining, I suppose I should ask a question. How can I change myself? Have any of you felt this way, and how did you create a normal social life for yourself? How can I feel like an integral part of a group instead of a pathetic hanger-on? How can I change my wokring image of myself into something that deserves other people's time and attention?

Dealing with well-meaning but obnoxious people.

rwatson — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 20:40:07 -0800

At a party the other day, there was a guy who lived in China until about a year ago, who was behaving obnoxiously (invading personal space, being too loud), but I felt that he meant well, and just didn't know how to behave. How to deal with this? There's a part of me that really wants to be more accepting of someone from another culture who doesn't understand the unwritten rules, but of course my gut feeling is one of discomfort.

I've also been in situations in the past with people who are from these parts and are somewhat obnoxious, or maybe just boring, but I still feel are well-meaning. While I am somewhat less sympathetic towards people who have grown up here, I know that my own social skills have not always been stellar, and I was always grateful in the past when people would talk to lil' ol' awkward me.

Are there constructive ways of handling this, even if they are only in my own mind? Blatantly correcting the behavior of someone I just met would be rude and obnoxious itself. Or should I just go with my gut and avoid these people, sticking to the ones I find more interesting and personable?

What is the adult version of "Let's be friends"?

questionmark — Thu, 09 Feb 2006 17:37:58 -0800

What's the adult version of "Let's be friends"? This may sound like a very naive question to some people, but I'm truly clueless about this, and have mentioned it to a few others who admitted they didn't know either. The problem is not about meeting people, it's what comes afterwards.

As I understand it, most of us make friends in workplaces and educational establishments, or at least in locations that you frequent regularly, say a pub or a bar. What happens is generally that you talk to the person over several days or weeks, and if you get on, you invite each other out to an activity or two, and then if you still get on, you are friends, without it needing to be explicitly stated as such.

But what about those one-off moments when you meet a stranger you like, but if you don't say anything you probably won't see the person ever again?

Say you're at a concert. You strike up a casual conversation with a stranger. You find that you like that person, and would like to see that person again after the concert, and maybe become friends with that person.

If you ask the person out for an activity, it may very well be interpreted as actually "asking the person out", as in romantic/sexual, not just friendly. Saying "I like you. We should be friends/do stuff together sometime" is leaving a huge opening for rejection, and would put the other person on the spot and make it very awkward for him or her to say no, if he or she never had any wish to have any more contact with you.

I'm not sure I'm articulating the question very well, but basically I'm looking for the best way to offer friendship without making the other person uncomfortable or having the gesture misinterpreted. The answer is most probably obvious, if so please, humour me and enlighten me. Is there some kind of adult secret code that I'm not aware of?

social skills tips / resources?

GleepGlop — Wed, 29 Jun 2005 13:48:43 -0800

social skills tips / resources? im looking for some tips / resources on social skills. what i find for 'social skills' seems to be about 'teaching social skills to children' (read: basic). 'social etiquette / social graces' seems to get books from amazon about how women can attract good husbands and hold dinner parties. im just looking to soak up anything about how to interact with people favourably and maturely. what is polite/rude, the art of conversation, social protocol, finishing school, mentors, anything! hit me!

Social Skills Intervention

debgpi — Sat, 14 May 2005 17:24:05 -0800

I have a friend would like to perform a "social intervention" for an acquaintance whose lack of social skills has managed to nearly alienate him from everyone in his social circle. The acquaintence a nice guy so my friend doesn't want to just cut him loose, but things can't continue as they are -- he needs professional help. Does anyone have advice on how to break this to him?

I've faced this same problem without much success, so I thought I'd ask MeFi. Would your answer be different if the person were an old friend and not just an acquaintance?

Social networking for the shy and awkward.

drezdn — Tue, 04 May 2004 23:16:40 -0800

Tips on networking for the socially awkward? According to something I heard on the radio, 85% of jobs available are never advertised, and most people get jobs by knowing someone who knows someone. My problem is, (currently I'm working at a job trying to gain more experience in my field), I don't know many people well, and am awkward around people I don't know well.

Any tips on handling this problem?