Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sociallife

Is it possible to build or join a tight knit group of friends after you're out of your young 20's, etc?

twiggy — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 10:55:30 -0800

Watching this video should have made me smile. Instead it has brought me to the sad and striking realization that I'm getting older, and have lost a lot of the meaningful connections I had through my younger 20's. Is it possible to get that sort of thing back in your 30s? Back in college, I had a tight knit group of friends - lots of them. Of course college is a fantastic place to facilitate the existence of such groups, but we've since all grown / moved apart.

Now, I just have a decent number of acquaintances. I don't have good friends I hang out with on any sort of a regular basis, and as a 31 year old single guy, this video made me really sad about these facts. I'm sure I'll get married some day, and I can't even think of anyone I'd consider to be my "best man", let alone have a cool enough group of friends to pull something this awesome and fun off.

I really don't have a "best friend" or anyone I'd go to in an emergency, etc, aside from my oldest brother.

Is it possible for someone my age to rebuild his life in such a way that these kinds of friendships are found again? I feel like I've aged past my ability to do that, but maybe I'm wrong. I do live in Chicago, which has tons of social outlets, but I'm some sort of weird amalgam of part-time introvert, part-time socially outgoing friendly guy, and I find it difficult to "get out there and meet people."

I need a pal!

WowLookStars — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 04:35:34 -0800

How do you make friends in a small town? My boyfriend and I have recently moved to Paris, TX (we'll only be here for the next couple years). It's got about 30,000 people and one quiet Junior College. As the more extroverted half of our rather introverted relationship, I've been trying to meet people to turn into friends. It's not going well.

My usual approach in a new city is to start on Craigslist, meetup.com or local websites and find events to go to. Craigslist doesn't really exist out here, and I haven't found any local (or regional!) communities. I've checked every bulletin board I can find at the grocery stores and the junior college. Only found one posting for an anime club, and we don't watch anime. Facebook doesn't even recognize Paris, TX as a real location, so I can't find gatherings that way.

Plug 75462 into Meetup.com and the results are... not encouraging. The closest Metafilter meetup is in Dallas - that's a 3 hour drive one way. I can't run one, can I? I'm really quiet here. Is there anyone nearby to come?

I haven't ever had trouble making friends before - it always just sort of happens when you're around a group of people, yaknow? :) Plus, I can strike up a conversation with almost anyone, given the chance. My problem is that I can't find any nice non-religious groups. This town is REALLY into their churches, so I suspect that social networking starts there. I don't want to join a church!

Little bit more background - we're 25ish, college degrees, and tend to be environmentalists and liberals, but not argumentative about either topic. We like hiking, kayaking, board games, and the occasional alcoholic night. Where should I look for new friends?

Bonus difficulty: Up until the last election, it was a dry township. I get the impression that these folks look down their nose at alcohol when in public, and voted through the change in private.

Is it possible that hanging out too much with the same circle of friends can be... inhibiting?

Myles — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 11:10:08 -0800

Is it possible that hanging out too much with the same circle of friends can be... inhibiting? So, can it? Ever hit a wall with your usual friends?

I'm a guy, mid 20's, and I work monday through friday and run the typical treadmill of a 9-5 job, so I usually don't get to hang out and socialize until the weekend hits. I've more or less hung out with the same circle of guys almost every saturday. The typical itinerary is usually eating out somewhere, and then retiring to someone's loft or apartment, playing video games or watching TV. Imagine the same circlejerking routine being done for the past year or two.

I've known them since high school, and I like them. We've shared good times and had good laughs, though I wouldn't call them best friends. Somehow, I can't set aside the nagging feeling that being with the same people every weekend is.... inhibiting.

Pangs of bordeom have hit me before when hanging out with these guys. It's been the same humor, same talk, same everything. I tried suggesting other things we could do, like going to the bar and having a drink. I thought it would be a start, maybe new ideas can branch out afterwards. However, they all gave excuses about the type of crowd that would be there etc, so we never go. Honestly, I think I've heard similar excuses whenever I tried suggesting a place that would definitely have a "crowd" there. They're definitely not anti-social, since they all work customer service jobs. I think they're just clannish, especially when their circle of friends includes the same people -- Us. I also can't help that they hold subtly negative attitudes about other people outside of the circle, which probably explains why they've only limited themselves to the same circle for such a long time.

I love meeting and talking to people. I've been mostly quiet and shy during my high school days, breaking out of my shell after working so many customer service jobs like waiting tables, doing call centers, counseling, and company classroom training. So naturally I've garnered an appreciation of simply being in the company of other people. However it just gets old being with the same "hang-out" friends. I get peevish retiring to the couch and playing video games, watching TV, only to have new ideas get trashed due to some excuse as to why it may potentially and epically suck in the long run.

I've started to appreciate just being with these guys part-time, though I still can't help thinking that a lot of the stuff we do together is just boring now. During my weekends away from them, I read books, spend time with relatives, I've even caught up with past co-workers I haven't talked to in a while.

Is it wrong to break out of this other shell, that of being with the same people almost every week? Would I be considered an asshole or two-face for wanting to spend time with new friends?

Any other suggestions?

I'm all doom and gloom

Anonymous — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 09:48:46 -0800

Help me with my negativity! I came to the US several years ago from a different country. Where I grew up it is culturally accepted to complain about pretty much anything. A lot of conversations revolve around complaining about your job, taxes, or anything else. The more I think about it, it seems that this is a way which allows people to connect immediately. Anybody has something to complain about and misery loves company! It's actually "known" in my country that people in the US are always overly positive and it's viewed as being superficial.

However, I live in the US now and from my observations it seems as if negativity and complaining is frowned upon. Is this correct? I'm just not sure how strongly many Americans feel about this.

I think I have trouble adjusting to this and it's hurting my social life. I meet people and we start of great but eventually they start avoiding me. Maybe avoiding is too extreme, they just don't seek out my company anymore. I have tried to change different behaviors that I think might put people off and I now think that it is due to my negativity. How can I be more positive? I sometimes consciously try to be more upbeat and positive in a conversation but the temptation is great and eventually I start complaining about something. It has been so ingrained in me in my home country that it's something hard to change, even though I really would like to. Any advice on improving my American social skills?

Do I need more of a social life?

Anonymous — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 16:03:20 -0800

How much am I missing out on by not having much of a social life? Of my own volition, I don't have much of a social life, and I'm wondering if I should make an effort to change this.

Some background: I'm a guy in college. I have good social skills and make friends easily. I don't have difficulty making small talk or empathizing. No emotional problems or other issues. I have many friends. However, I keep few close ones. I very rarely make plans to do things with friends. I often eat meals alone when it's convenient for me, and on weekends I keep myself busy with my own activities and projects. (I've been this way my whole life.)

The thing is that I don't feel the same kind of desire to be social that many people have. I can be alone for days without feeling lonely. I enjoy being around other people, but can't bring myself to make big efforts to do so. Several social groups repeatedly invite me places, but I keep declining.

I think part of my antisocial streak comes from the fact that I don't like typical social activities like going for meals and parties. Plus, none of the activities I do like would be much more exciting if I did them with someone else. A large portion of my time is spent ambitiously pursuing personal goals and overcoming personal challenges, things I really can't do with anyone else.

So, I'm wondering what I'm missing out on by not having a social life. Obviously, there's the element of companionship, but I don't feel like I really need companionship that much. Rather, one of the things that concerns me most is simply that I'm missing out on the practical resources that one gets from a network of friends. I'm referring to things like:

-Advice and honest criticism ("dude, you look like a tool in that jacket")
-Interesting information ("did you hear about the sale at XYZ store?")
-Mutual favors ("my friend's a web designer; he can help you out with that project.")

How much of life am I missing out on? Does it sound like I need to make more of an effort to be social?

Finding friends in the no-fun city?

concreteforest — Thu, 19 Apr 2007 20:33:43 -0800

I'm currently living in the Mt. Pleasant area of Vancouver. I'm a 30ish male. I took a week of vacation and the highlight of today was paying off my library fines. I would like to get a bit more of a social life.... I would like to find some events or locations to hang out with some nice people. I do like this area and some of my neighbors look like they'd be cool and we might have common interests (photography, arts, design, video games - typical art nerd type things), but I've never been an outgoing type of person, so I have not really found a way to just approach a group at a coffee house, etc. I'm not looking just for this area though - anywhere within Vancouver would be fine for me.

A bit of personal background: I've always only had a few friends, but have moved around for the last couple of years and they are now scattered across Canada.

If I had to criticize my own social persona I would say that I am naturally introverted but have an involuntary instinct to crack jokes in social situations to conceal nervousness. I try to curb that behavior because it makes me feel like I'm faking the interaction and it can probably come across as annoying, but it's still there about 1/2 the time. Any additional advice about overcoming that instinct would also be appreciated as well.

Personality assumptions based on interpersonal interaction.

Glitter Ninja — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 09:50:59 -0800

What assumptions can generally be made about a person or potential partner based on their treatment of others? I know almost everyone has heard that you should judge someone not by the way they treat their equals, but how they treat the ones below them on the totem pole. Are there any other tips in this general direction that hold (mostly, accounting for variation that you'll have with such a large number of people) true?

What does it tell you about a person when you watch the way they treat other people, animals, and even objects?

Please include anecdotes if you have them, or any specific things that have led you to believe what you do, or what you have noticed. Thanks!

Am I on the wrong track?

mayfly wake — Sun, 12 Nov 2006 17:55:23 -0800

Do research scientists have social lives? I am an undergrad neuroscience major, with plans to go to graduate school and hopefully get a PhD. If I follow this route and go into research, say at a big university, what will my life be like? I have heard horror stories of 70-hour work weeks with no social interaction outside of lab; are these extreme cases? I may not be as outgoing and gregarious as some of my friends, but I have found that I enjoy drinking socially and dancing on the weekends, and occasionally on weekdays as a way to relax during/after a stressful week. Will this be rare or even unattainable in grad school and beyond? Once I have a career will it be possible to have a family and spend a reasonable amount of time with them? (I am female, which shouldn't make a difference but does unfortunately.) I love science, and have always thought that being a research scientist and putting out papers would be an ideal, exhilarating job. I just don't want to be an "obligate workaholic" through career choice. If you have a career in research science, what is your life like?

Does anybody actually meet anybody else in this town?

kenoshakid — Sun, 20 Aug 2006 08:38:50 -0800

I've been living in NYC for three years, and am feeling the most acute loneliness I've felt since middle school. How are you supposed to actually meet anyone in this town? I've been told that the first year or so in NYC is tough, but three years on and I still have very few friends. Everyone here is "busy," and if they sense that you're not a "busy" person, they think something is wrong with you and shy away from you.

It's really weird, because where I used to live (in the midwest) I always had a lot of friends, and this wasn't an issue. However, I move here, and I find the social patterns are totally different. None of the ways that I used to meet people work in NYC. Additionally, nobody hangs out at their houses, so you can't just go over to a friend's house and expect people to be there hanging out.

I need to find out how to meet people here. The loneliness is killing me. I'm really bad at the bar thing, although I know that's how a lot of people meet each other.

How the hell do you meet and make friends in this town?

I should mention that I'm interested in places where I can meet men as well as women, which pretty much rules out a lot of tech/internet meetups.

(Also, I'm in my late 20s and single, if that sort of thing matters)