Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with socializing

Please go away.

Anonymous — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 20:45:51 -0800

How can we get the sexist guy to stop attending our feminist book group? I attend a feminist book group that's fantastic. With the exception of one guy who keeps showing up. He's blatantly sexist and socially clueless. Not only does he rudely interrupt the shy, smart 15 year old girl, he does it to reminisce about the halcyon days pre-feminism! We have tried politely explaining that there's a bit of a disconnect. We have suggested that he might be better suited to another book group. We have asked him not to come. We have told him not to come. He continues to show.

At this point the group is in danger of disintegrating altogether. 30 people have dwindled to 5, all because people can't stand being in the same room with this man. How can we get him to stop attending this group? For what it's worth, he doesn't seem to be malicious or attending out of spite. He's not very bright, he's older and set in his ways, and he seems oblivious to other humans in general, not just the ones in our group.

I... don't... touch people.

Anonymous — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 20:37:37 -0800

I can't touch people. I just can't. What the hell? I searched, but didn't find anything on this, surprisingly.

As a boy I grew up very isolated, and missed the usual rites, rituals and landmarks of sociability and dating. I wasn't physically abused (verbally, though). In my late twenties, I now have a good number of friends and acquaintances; I go out to parties and events, and sometimes I get a bit smashed, but not always. As far as dating, I've gone out with women, but I'm really afraid of misreading body language and just kind of occupy my own space -- which probably isn't conducive to any progress.

Which brings me to my main problem. I'm not comfortable touching people. Even patting someone on the back, male or female, feels unnatural, like I'm doing an imitation of someone else. It doesn't really bother me when someone puts an arm around me, or a girl sits in close contact, but simultaneously I wonder what made them decide to do that; like what gave them permission. At the thought of doing that, I feel like I'm invading personal space. The times I've tried, I felt creepy and withdrew as quickly (if awkwardly) as possible. A woman made me repeatedly re-hug her because I was doing it wrong; I wasn't coming in straight on, leaving too much space.

I'm not very good at them, but I'll participate in sports (competitive and not), go jogging and the like. But I won't dance because I feel uncomfortable and am terrified of looking stupid. I also don't like the way people look dancing, or being surrounded by so many bodies. The idea of moving around for its own sake, out of the joy of the physicality of it, doesn't really resonate with me. I feel like it's something I may have to confront eventually, but I don't really look forward to it.

If I sound like a prick/weirdo, apologies, but I'm being painfully honest. My question is part what the fuck is wrong with me? and part what the fuck should I do?

First Dating for the First Time

EatTheWeak — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 14:37:55 -0800

Please describe the best and/or the worst first date you've ever gone on. Short version of the backstory: The bulk of my prior relationships have begun from some variant of the "hook up at a bar/party and continue to see each other" method. Right now, things are progressing in such a way that I shall soon get to plan a proper "first date" with a really interesting woman. I'm excited but also nervous, as I haven't a lot of experience with such planning.

I like to gather a lot of information before making a major move such as this. Socializing is kind of a struggle for me, and I find anecdotal evidence quite helpful when trying to solve the riddles of human behavior and interaction.

So, if you're comfortable sharing them, I'd like to hear your stories of the highs and the lows in your first-dating careers. I'm hoping to gather enough of them that I might spot trends and common threads in both the good and the bad, then bring that knowledge to bear when I plan this upcoming evening.

Thanks for your time and your tales - I realize this probably sounds a little silly to the more experienced among you, but for me, nothing dispells anxiety better than knowledge and preparation.

I seriously need to meet some new people and get out of the house. Can you help me develop some new hobbies that will enrich my life and put me in social situations?

mintchip — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 18:21:42 -0800

I seriously need to meet some new people and get out of the house. Can you help me develop some new hobbies that will enrich my life and put me in social situations? I have a number of interests, but they are mostly either quite expensive (traveling, home design) or won't really help me become more social. Truth is, I'm not really sure what things might be of interest to me, and I'm rather shy and hesitant to try something new.

I'm seeking general or specific suggestions for how to become more involved in life and less of an observer. For example;

--What types of things did YOU get involved in to help you get out of a rut?
--Where did you meet your closest friends?
--Are there event lists or sites that have been particularly helpful to you?
--What is the "standby" activity that you turn to when the weekend arrives and you are bored/lonely/haven't made plans?
--Are there any web sites that list a lot of hobbies?
--How far in advance do you try to make weekend plans?

Etc.

How can I psych myself up for social gatherings?

cymru_j — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 14:00:18 -0800

I often feel nervous before going to social gatherings. Is there anything I can do (short of drinking a shot of something) that will help me calm down and just enjoy myself? I'm not a strange or unlikable person; in fact, most people would describe me as reasonably outgoing, but the thought of being in a room with more than five or six people, chit-chatting, makes me feel a little jittery.

I'm less interested in books about social anxiety than little tricks you might do to psych yourself up. Thanks, guys.

How to visit a bar alone?

rwatson — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 01:09:14 -0800

How can I meet people in bars or coffeehouses? Platonic or otherwise. Every once in a while I get bored and it would be nice to be able to go to a bar and talk to some people... but how do I do it? I haven't been to a bar on my own very many times. I did tonight and ended up just drinking my beer and then leaving. I'm quite good at meeting people in slightly more structured environments but feel somewhat at a loss here.

I'm enough of an extrovert that the idea isn't totally horrifying to me, but I'm enough of an introvert that I have to ask this question. I hope you don't think this is a dumb question.

Socializing while Housebound

tejolote — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 20:28:59 -0800

How can I lure people to my house when I don't know them? Recently I've gone through a difficult breakup and I've found myself more isolated than usual because of upcoming hip surgery. I need people: conversation, connection, distraction. My handful of very excellent friends in the area are quite busy (grad students, sick spouses, etc.) and while normally I'd be going out and meeting new people, I'm finding myself stuck at home. The autoimmune arthritis is worse than usual because I have to be off all medication except pain medication in preparation for surgery.

How can I meet people when I can't go out? I've thought about trying to host a games party, but for something like that you need at least a seed group that you know will show up. What are my options here? Do I have any options, or should I resign myself to reading books for the next couple of months?

My situation is further complicated by the following factors: I'm an introvert, my house is enough of a wreck to embarrass me (arthritis sucks up my energy and my housemate is totally unwilling to so much as take out the garbage), and I'm sort of broke--I'm going to be out of work for more than a month because of the surgery.

I live in Seattle and I'm in my thirties in case that has any relevance to suggestions. I have relatively normal and varied interests which I started to list here, but then it started to sound too much like a personal ad.

How can I be outgoing without the use of alcohol?

flibbertigibbet — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 07:36:56 -0800

How can I be outgoing without the use of alcohol? I had a very tight policy of avoiding a situation in which I would feel pressured to drink. This is because I don't like losing control and talking too much, and because my father is an alcoholic.

Aaand then I had to go to a passover seder due to my increasing religiosity, and grape juice wasn't readily available as the kids had scurried it to different rooms to drink it there. I really was anxious the first night--I knew I would get drunk quickly, as the last time I really drank was five years ago. And yeah, I got wasted (giggling hysterically for three hours) on very little alcohol. I hated the idea of losing control before getting drunk, but it wasn't that bad.

For the second seder, I ate beforehand and brought I friend. I got comfortably drunk on 5-ish glasses of wine, and I met more people in the 5 hours of the second seder than I had met during all of the 30-50 hours of Shabbat dinners that I had attended previously--and the Shabbat dinners had the exact same people attending as the seders.

How can I keep up that gregarious version of myself when not drunk? I still want to really control my drinking--no drinking alone, no drinking everyday, no drinking during every social situation in any given week, no drinking to self-medicate, etc.--because of the family history of alcoholism, but I like meeting people. Plz hope me.

Should I delete my Facebook account? What are my other options?

mintchip — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 10:33:01 -0800

Should I delete my Facebook account? What are my other options? I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook. With regards to staying connected with people who you otherwise see only rarely, it's very handy. Also, without it I might otherwise miss out on certain events that friends post casually on there. I wouldn't get to know what everyone is up to or see friends' pictures posted. I wouldn't get to "stalk" new friends and dates on it, as well as check up on people from my past that I haven't talked to in a while.

However, I also find Facebook to be really annoying and frustrating. It is a time drain. I'm not really comfortable having a huge list of casual contacts (that person at your job who talked to you twice and that guy you met at a cafe once) know what I'm up to in my personal life and who I hang out with. I've burned some bridges in the past so I like to keep my past and present separated. Facebook also makes me worry about my popularity (or lack thereof). For example, why hasn't anyone posted on my wall recently?? Were pictures posted for a friend's party to which I was not invited? Do some of my contacts have me on a limited status where I don't get to see their status updates in my feed? Why did the new friend who used to write on my wall stop? Et cetera. One cannot really answer these sorts of questions with any accuracy

Now, I guess the perfect solution would be that I suddenly become very laidback and not worry about such trivial matters. This being real life, however, that is not going to happen anytime soon. I have tried to use FB on a more limited basis, but in a way you can't; if people write on your wall you're pretty much obligated to write back. Then suddenly you're on it all of the time having the same concerns that I specified above.

Do any of you have these same concerns? What do you think is a good way to deal with this? Is it worth deleting my account? Do I need to tell everyone why? I appreciate your thoughts and feedback.

Kitty kitty come out to play

katybird — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 13:08:22 -0800

How do I deal with a real fraidy cat? My kitty is afraid of everyone except me, especially other animals. How do I introduce him to the dog (and toddler) I now live with? Or should I just keep them separate? About a year ago I adopted a cat from a local animal shelter. He was nine months old, and the worker said he was found behind another volunteer's house (that is, it was unclear whether he was living wildly for any extended period of time or simply a lost domestic cat). I think he was probably born to some house cat whose family didn't want kittens so they were let outside. Anyway, for whatever reason, he seems to have a lot of fear of people and other animals. I lived alone at the time I got him, so it was just him and me. We cuddled, he greeted me when I came home, he was cute and normal. But when I had people over, he was gone. To the point that my boyfriend had never seen him for the first three months of dating - he joked the cat was imaginary. I want to live with this kitty for a long time, particularly when I have a family of my own so I worry about his lack of socializing with anyone else.

Also, I don't live alone anymore. I live with three other grownups, a three year old, and a dog. This seems like a great time to expose him to more socializing. For the first couple of weeks, he didn't leave my room (I have a very large room/apartment at the end of a house) but now he's venturing out. He's gone into the kid's room but only when the kid is sleeping. The toddler is, of course, insanely curious about this animal and wants to see him all the time. The closest I've let him come is to peek at the cat while he cowers under the bed. Otherwise, I just tell him that kitty is napping. When the child cries or tries to pet him or moves or makes noise in any way, the cat is very concerned and frightened. He reacts the same way to the grown ups in the house, though one of them (another female) has been able to get close enough to pet him once, in my presence. The other two have never seen him.

And then there's the dog. I think kitty has figured out by now that the dog exists. The house I'm in has two floors, and the dog is confined to two rooms downstairs almost at all times (except for when he goes potty or plays outside in the fenced in yard) simply because there are baby gates to keep the kid downstairs when he's awake. Kitty, on the other hand, lives upstairs and only occasionally in the dead of night (when the dog is crated) ventures downstairs at all. Like I said, I think they're aware of each other's existence but they've never seen each other. Should I formally introduce them, or just let them live their separate lives? (FWIW, the dog is retarded. As in, mentally handicapped. Cat is normal.)

How do normal people socialize?

daeken — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 15:12:24 -0800

I'm going to an art exhibit opening where a friend-of-a-friend's band is playing. I'm arriving about an hour before him and I honestly don't know how to socialize there. Can anyone just point me in the right direction?

How to socialize when you're in a big group of people

lsemel — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 18:46:09 -0800

I'm good at one-on-one conversation, but put me in a big group, and feel like I can't get a word in or connect with anyone. I'm looking for your tips on socializing when part of a big group of people. While I’m basically introverted, I’m good at socializing one-on-one. People say I have a great sense of humor, and I can have intelligent, fun conversations with friends as well as with people I’m meeting for the first time.

But put me in a big group, at a party, a bar, or dinner, and things aren’t as good. When I’m in a group conversation of more than two or three people, I clam up and feel like I can’t even get a word in. There’s usually some talkative extrovert who dominates the conversation and diverts everyone’s attention with exciting tales of their doings, thoughts and travels. Or the conversation will drift toward a subject that I know nothing about, and then I have no idea how to participate. When going to a party, I'll sometimes arrive a bit early so I can meet people individually before the crowds arrive, at which point it's more difficult to get anyone's attention. Overall, socializing in a group makes me feel invisible and unable to form real connections with anyone. It's especially bad when some of the people already know each other.

Those of who enjoy socializing in groups, how do you do it? Do you have any tips on how to do it better and not feel so invisible?

In NYC, and feeling very alone. What can I do to make new friends?

helios410 — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 21:54:14 -0800

In NYC, and feeling very alone. What can I do to make new friends? I know this topic has been touched on before, but I am feeling a little helpless. I have lived here for two years now but I still feel like I have not found my niche. I appreciate the suggestions made in previous posts, but I feel like I don't fit into the crowds for the suggested activities. Basically, I am 25 y/o dude looking to have fun on the weekends. Unfortunately my work schedule doesn't allow me to get much during the week. What do you do to branch out and meet new people?

"Exchanging glances, wond'ring in the night...."

TheSecretDecoderRing — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 23:14:18 -0800

What do you do when you and someone you barely know are approaching each other? Always make eye contact and smile or say hi? Make eye contact and then keep walking? Keep walking unless they say something? Mentally scramble for small talk? Stop and tie your shoelaces? You know those situations when you're walking down an interminably long hallway at work, or a path on campus, and you see someone you only kind of know coming in the opposite direction from a mile away? Obviously it depends on how well you (don't) know them, but when the more awkward moments arise, do you invariably acknowledge them in a super-friendly way? Wait for them to say something first? Give a warm half-smile or a cool half-nod and keep on going? It feels like a silly predicament, but I'm just curious if others feel like this is half as awkward as I do, esp the more introverted among us, and among those, the ones for whom smiles don't always come all that easily. Because sometimes it's just... awkward!

I've seen a couple other threads here revolving around the dilemma of acknowledging complete strangers (and those may very well end up below this post), but I've never found that to be a source of anxiety or perplexity, because if you get rebuffed, you'll probably never see them again in your life. Crossing paths with that "Larry" guy from three cubicles over while you're on your way to the men's room? That's a different story.

Guy sees girl in a bar... Then what?

eas98 — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 11:38:49 -0800

How do guys meet girls in bars/lounges/clubs, etc? I know that's what's supposed to happen in these places, but, really, just how does it work?

Guy sees girl. Girl sees guy. Eye contact is made. Then...? Is the guy supposed to just walk up to her and say something? What?

I realize that I am shy by nature, but I can't imagine what the guy's supposed to say in a situation like this.. Yeah, I know, just say 'Hi'. Is it really that simple? And then what? Of note here is that I am very lacking in small-talk skill, but I am otherwise very comfortable in places like this and would like to develop some, for want of a better term, pick-up skills..

I'll be happy to hear input from guys on this, but what I'm really interested in is the female perspective. Mefi-females, what do you expect to have happen when you're in a bar/club and you see a guy you're interested in?

Thank you.

Mine is Bigger Than Yours

uxo — Fri, 16 May 2008 11:03:25 -0800

How to deal with ultra-competitive people I meet regularly with a group of people consisting of friends and acquaintances.

Salary-wise, I don't make as half as much as the others do. Just to be clear, I am normally a very content person, happy with the choices I'm making in my life. I am also genuinely happy when someone gets a raise or is doing financially well for themselves.

I feel bad, however, when someone will talk about how much they make, then turn to me, and say "and how much are you making these days?" Or ask about my own car, or home, right after they boast about their own purchases, waiting eagerly for my answer.

I was quite taken aback when I was first asked these types of questions, but this seems to be a standard type of exchange for at least 3 individuals in the group. What bugs me is that does not seem like the asker is concerned about my well-being, but using it to gauge their own success, and perhaps give themselves a little ego boost.

Am I making too much of this? How do I not let this bother me? Sometimes I think, "gads, how obnoxious", but I also wonder if I'm being overly sensitive. Because if I truly didn't care about competing, why do I feel like crap during these exchanges? Do you have any experiences with this? And how would you respond?

I have no life...during the day.

sixcolors — Tue, 06 May 2008 14:24:32 -0800

I get bored and lonely on weekdays. What can I do? There seems to be a lot of "what can I do?" and "how do I meet people?" here on metafilter and other forums. I notice that a lot of answers tend to be night or weekend oriented, such as taking a class, going to a pub trivia night, playing team sports, or doing community service.

I have a part-time job, do community service, and have a pretty active social life. However, those activities tend to take place at night and/or the weekends. When I was in school (just finished), I only had class at night or the weekends. So, on my weekdays, I just surf the net. Every now and then, I watch TV, or go to Borders/library. Most of my friends and relatives have day jobs or day classes.

I get bored and VERY lonely. I even get depressed on occasion. Summertime is coming up and I don't want to go through another dull summer.

Hi, I'm AWKWARD! (But how awkward am I?)

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 09:19:27 -0800

Do people with under-developed social skills know that their skills need work? If so, how? I’ve had trouble making and keeping friends throughout my life, from childhood, though high school and college and now into adulthood and the workplace. I only recently realized this pattern-- I’ve always been consumed by my work and always told myself that I could have friends if I wanted to make time for them. Turns out that might not be true.

Now I’m trying to figure out why people don’t seem to seek out my company, or don’t seem to enjoy spending time with me. I’m pretty sure that I’m no more awkward than your average nerd… But it recently occurred to me that lacking social skills would probably prevent me from, uh, knowing that I lack social skills. Hence my question: could I be completely socially inept and just not know it?

Some pertinent points:
-I feel pretty confident saying that I don’t have Asperger’s or the like. (I worked in social services for some time, am highly emotional, and I think I do well with “reading people” and navigating internal politics.)

-I get very nervous in social situations and become afraid that I’ll say the wrong thing. That, coupled with a diagnoses of Adult ADD (and the impulse control problems that come with it) means that I often *do* say the wrong thing. Never hurtful things-- more like jokes that turn out not to be funny, or revealing things I shouldn’t have.

-I’m shy and tend to be quiet around new people-- largely out of nervousness (see above). Do people just think I’m unfriendly?

What else should I be looking for? And do you guys have any advice for remedying this?

Since I can’t send anonymous thank yous, I thank you now, MeFites.

Is it possible to have silly and humorous interactions with people without coming across as stupid?

gregb1007 — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 14:24:44 -0800

Is there something I can do to gradually increase my comfort with being "silly/fun" while making sure that I don't put people off? Here's a dilemma I have. I often see some people who trade private jokes, say funny/crazy things in each other's presence, make silly movements, or sing along something to each other.

Now, when I see them being "silly", I get jealous because I can't get to that level in my social interactions. Many years ago in high school and early years of college, the people I hung out with thought that my attempts at being silly, such as jokes, gestures, or maybe tunes that I would sing for a few seconds, were dumb. They said that much and in retrospect I think they were right.

Of course, to avoid being a socially awkward lamer, I deliberately cut out the silly, impromptu sayings/gestures out of my communications in most cases. I switched to deliberate, clear communication. I think my goal has been to command respect and I have for that reason learned to dress and speak conservatively. (I also rarely drink, but my dislike of alcohol is a whole matter onto itself.)

I do have positive memories of having well thought-out comments in conversations, but I think I am missing out on the fun of being a silly person. I think that it would be great to have fun and be loose. However, obviously enough, I am pretty sure that this is something that I can't permit myself because I don't have the skills for it. I certainly don't want to let my attempts humor make people look me at as an empty-headed moron.

Now, is there something I can do to gradually increase my comfort with being "silly/fun" while making sure that I don't put people off?

Any English-language socializing in Tokyo?

cadge — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 04:35:20 -0800

The two of us are in Tokyo through November 8, being tourists. Are there any social opportunities for hanging out with other English-speakers (e.g. cheap organized tours, group outings for karaoke, etc.)? My friend and I are in Tokyo through November 8. We have loads of things on our list to see and do, but it's just the two of us - we don't know anyone here, and we don't speak Japanese. Are there any social groups or outings where we could hang out with ex-pats, travelers, or other English speakers?

What I have in mind is like how youth hostels often have open group outings to bars or organized trips that travelers can join in on (we're not staying at a hostel, though, otherwise I'd ask at the desk!). It would be a lot of fun to join in with some people for a karaoke night or walking tour or other group activity.

Help me resolve me an issue with socializing.

gregb1007 — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 02:27:18 -0800

Help me resolve me an issue with socializing. When I socialize (i.e just socializing and not dating) with people for the first few times, I pay close attention to their interests/preoccupations and really engage them on those things. That also means making sure to be aware of a person's sensitive points and to suppress things that might strike them as odd or unappealing. (Believe me, that kinda filter is sometimes helpful, because friction/faux-pas can occur otherwise.)

Anyhow, while this advantage has the approach of making things flow really well with the person I am talking to and makes them comfortable with opening up, eventually things go awry when I loosen up a bit after quite a few (at least 3 or 4) "cautious" personal encounters.

Problem is that once I suddenly get the wish to discuss my particular interests and express more of my personal thoughts and emotions, it does get awkward. Maybe too much info for the other person's comfort. (Oh that's how you feel about issue a and that's what you think about event b... That's nice, but I don't really care.)

Well maybe that other person is not responding to what I share not because they don't care, but rather because they are cautious. Either way, it's awkward.

What could I do to make sharing personal thoughts/ideas without creating an uncomfortable social situation?

P.S . After I get "looser," I still keep my interest in the other person and what they say, I don't shut them out. I just share more of myself.

Manually developing a sense of identity

philosophistry — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 23:18:47 -0800

What are the benefits of affiliating or identifying with a subculture/culture? This usually happens in adolescence, but I've noticed people who all of a sudden turn goth or punk. It also happens in college, when an otherwise ordinary person becomes affiliated with a fraternity. Other people cling tightly to an ethnic group, joining ethnic clubs, and participating in their associated ethno-religious organizations.

Is there a benefit to seeking this out if you don't already have a particular social affiliation? Is it even concievable to manually sidle yourself into one rather than going about it naturally? Is the opposite even better... i.e. retaining some sort of glorious independence?

In other words, I'm considering making a list of various cultural sub-groups that I have some sort of identification with, picking the most relevant one, and committing to it for the sake of social expediency. Is this a good idea?

How to adjust to the Midwest?

Anonymous — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 18:16:56 -0800

Moving to Kansas City, single and mid twenties. How do people here socialize? Where do they socialize? About a month ago I moved to Kansas City from midtown Manhattan. I'm working at home and living with family in a southern suburb (Leawood). I grew up here as a little kid and I visited family during holidays so the city is not foreign. I've been to the "rejuvenated" downtown, the Plaza, Westport and all the places one is suppose to go. I'm just having a very hard time connecting and meeting with people. It seems like the young people, at least that I have met, are extending their Big 10 fraternity and sorority lifestyles into their twenties.

I realize this isn't Manhattan and am trying very hard to avoid being the elitist stereotype. I am finding this town so unpretentious that it is almost a fault. I never had problems finding and maintaining a large social circle, finding dates and so on. I am used to having to schedule everything because everyone is so busy, seeking out new restaurants, cultural events and hardly ever seeing my apartment.

I've found myself becoming a pompous asshole and beginning to believe no one here has traveled anywhere, has anything vaguely intellectual to talk about and that this place is the nadir of American culture. This is incredibly narrow-minded, so help a neurotic New Yorker become a laid back Midwesterner.

N.B. I have read previous threads on making friends and the advice within. I'd appreciate tips on adjusting to the Midwest, obviously Kansas City in paticular, how the social scene works, etc. It is quite a culture shock and it seems way too easy to become easily isolated here. I am sure this isn't as bad as it seems, I just haven't figured it out yet.

Friendship, dating, and loneliness.

Anonymous — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 12:35:04 -0800

Why doesn't the woman I'm dating invite me out with her friends? I've been seeing this woman for about a month now. We are both coming out of long-term relationships, thus are a bit wary of taking things too quickly in terms of commitment and all, but, in my mind, we do have strong connections intellectually, emotionally and physically.

This new woman and I are graduate students in the same department, and so we know many of the same people. Her ex had been a long-distance relationship, and since she had a lot of time on her own and is very social and outgoing, she has formed a lot of close friendships. My ex, on the other had, did not like to socialize very much with people in my department, so because of that *I* didn't socialize a lot, and I have not formed any good friendships (except with this woman and that only since we have been dating). This has been somewhat difficult for me as I feel like I don't have many people in my life, and only socialize either a) at school or b) at big get-togethers.

I've mentioned to this woman that I do feel somewhat lonely and isolated. She's been very kind and supportive of my feelings. But, when we spend time together or talk on the phone, she often mentions going out with people whom we both know for dinner, drinks, etc., and I have never been invited.

This is something that is causing me some stress and pain. I don't really know how to interpret it. I certainly understand that she has her life, and I don't expect to spend every minute with her; she has a right to her privacy and her own time. But I don't understand why I've never been invited to any of these events. Is she embarrassed about dating me and trying to keep it a secret from others? Is she just not as into me as I thought? Or is it something else?

I'd like to raise the issue but I don't know how to do it without sounding like I'm too needy or whiny, things that are definitely not a turn-on. I especially don't want to come off as someone with too much emotional baggage. This socializing is important to me both to spend time with her and to spend time with others making better friends. I don't want to just invite myself along, but I don't want to sit alone in my home waiting for her to call when she has free time either. Should I ask her why I haven't been invited? If so, how do I do that without seeming like I'm trying to push our relationship along too quickly? How do I naturally become more of a part of her life, and make her more a part of mine? I very much like her, and I see the potential for a meaningful relationship in the future, so I don't want to scare her off. Am I just obsessing over nothing, is this all in my head?

Let's speak about unspoken competencies

philosophistry — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 09:13:21 -0800

What's the best way to learn unspoken competencies, such as all the unspoken rules of socializing? When I was an adolescent, I scarfed down self-help books, and was always real quick at learning a theory about something and then applying myself. As a result, I became good at business real fast, and also mastered the academic environment.

However, while I had extreme successes in academics and business (relative to my age), my social life has always been sub-par to me. I'm often characterized as being a loner. And it's not for lack of trying. I've always tried to improve the way I socialize, but it's never helped, and in fact has had the opposite effect, making me too artificial and mechanical in my approach.

Mastering artifice is no problem, which is why I'm good at problem-solving and business.

I read about Sternberg's Triarchic Theory of Intelligences, and one of them is "practical intelligence" or "contextual intelligence" which involves learning unspoken lessons by reading cues off other people.

I used to HAVE an anti-social mindset, and would harbor the typically angsty, Catcher-in-the-Rye-style attitudes such as "everybody is phony" or "people are mindless cows." Lately, I've been trying to give ordinary people the benefit of the doubt, and see if maybe I'm obtuse for not appreciating the importance of simple things like "fitting in" as not a weakness but as a way of "being pro-social."

I have friends who have one leg in the analytical side and another in the unspoken side, and talking these things out with them is good because they can translate one language into the other. For example, a good conversation I had was:

Me: "If I really were to be authentic, my hairstyle would be really really crazy, and my clothes, they'd be all black, but not quite goth, but this and that..."
Friend: "Look, I used to want to do that, but I realized that dressing too different from other people makes them uncomfortable."
Me: "Oh, yeah. Right"

I can hear the groan in the background, "yeah, that's common sense." If so, then I'm lacking it. How do I get more of those conversations or "ah-hah" moments. Platitudes such as "be yourself" or "go with the flow" don't teach me anything.