Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with socialanxiety

How do I stay true to my introverted, anti-social self without coming across as an aloof jerk?

Anonymous — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 17:21:42 -0800

I work at the help desk for my company's IT dept, and I generally spend a lot of my time on the phone with users. Being an introverted person, this can be exhausting, so when I'm not on the phone I prefer to not have to talk to anyone. The problem is that where I work, people from other parts of IT are always coming in to the help desk office looking for conversation/socialization and this is stressing me out. In past jobs I've always handled my social awkwardness by just being a very hard worker and gaining respect that way....this is the first job I've ever had where there seems to be a definite social component to getting by. It's not so bad if they do the talking, because then I can ask questions, nod appropriately, etc, but there are quite a few who just....hang around not saying anything much at all. I am not sure what to do about these people. It's not that I don't like them, and I don't want to be rude and anti-social, but at the same time I hate feeling like I have to entertain someone, especially since so much of the day I have to talk to people on the phone. I can't do the normal things people do to signal they're not up for company, like put on headphones, or close the door, or you know.....do work (if I'm not on the phone I don't always have something in front of me to do), so I'm at a loss as to how to handle this. I really don't know what to say, and it gets very awkward and uncomfortable and I get the feeling that I'm seen by people in other depts as unfriendly, when really I'm just shy and more comfortable listening then talking when it comes to people I don't know very well.

Another thing that I should mention, is that I'm female, and being in IT, of course I'm a rarity. I wonder if this is the reason, at least partly, for the awkwardness? The others in my team are guys, so maybe they're used to coming down and talking "guy stuff" with them and just don't know what to make of me? ( I get along well with the other help desk guys, but then I'm around them all day so we can find things in common to joke around about and conversation just happens naturally. )

Anyway, I guess my question is....how can I deal with this? Should I keep trying to fit in to the overall dept? Or is there some way I can make it clear that I'm not up for making conversation without coming across as unapproachable and/or aloof?

All the lonely people

Ziggy Zaga — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 21:41:12 -0800

The world is full of lonely people. I'd like to bring some of them together... at least the ones in my general vicinity. But I need your help in finding the best ways to go about this. I was thinking about starting a meetup.com group or something for my local area catering specifically to the shy/socially anxious/avoidant demographic. I know there are lots of shy people out there but aside from the occasional support group, there's really not much bringing us all together. My hope is that a group targeting this demographic will help draw them out of the house and into an accommodating social environment.

I haven't quite settled on a particular "theme" or type of event that we'd do, but ideally the meetups would facilitate some degree of interaction between the participants without pushing anybody too far beyond their comfort zone.

So, I'm looking for games, activities or workshops a (presumed) group of 7 or 8 could do that are fun (no worksheets/self-assessments), social (no movies), and cheap (because I don't want money to be an excuse for someone to not attend). I can host in my own home if necessary. We could sit there and talk about our problems (which I'm not too keen on since I'm not a therapist) or we could play social games (Apples to Apples or Pictionary may be good for starters) but I need more ideas than that.

Thanks!

Should I mention I'm mentally ill on a graduate school statement of intent

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 05:35:36 -0800

Should I mention my mental illness on my graduate school statement of intent? Brief background - I have social anxiety, depression, and Asperger's syndrome and a year ago, I graduated with a B.S. in Economics from a fairly prestigious technical school. I really want to go on to get a Master's in Economics, followed by a PhD.

However, mostly due to depression and anxiety, my grades were not that fantastic, 2.6 or so overall and my grades in some of my econ courses were not that great (for instance, I got a C in my Math Methods of Econ mostly because I had to miss a week of class since I was in the mental ward at a hospital because I was ready to kill myself). I do have support from one professor who I actually talked to when I was in school who would be glad to write letters of recommendation to some schools I'm looking at he thinks are realistic options given my background, not to mention I did pretty alright on the GREs (though only a 670 on the Math and 580 on the writing).

However, it was suggested to me by someone that I mention the fact I have mental illness, especially Asperger's, on my statement of intent, that is my essay on why I want to attend graduate school. I've been told that schools like to let in disabled applicants because it makes their departments look good, and that having Asperger's would be an asset as people would think I'm some kind of genius (to be honest, I really wish I had that super-Aspie power of concentration on academic subjects, as I tend to obsess over the Internet and more useless topics). Likewise, someone else suggested I use it as saying that I've "overcame adversity."

But I'm concerned about the fact that there's a stigma associated with mental illness and that an economics department might be reluctant to accept me into their program because they think I'm sort of skizo who hears voices or has multiple personalities or more or less just flake out. I'll also be honest - I really don't think I've "overcome" my mental illness. I wish I could give an inspiring personal account how I overcame it but it's something I struggle with everyday but if I mention it, it would explain why my grades were less than stellar. I think that they might view the fact I'm mentally ill as more of a liability than an asset to their department.

As a tangential issue, I'd like to have the aforementioned professor look over my statement of intent since I can't think of anyone else to do it, but I'm afraid if I do mention it, he'll find out I'm mentally ill and that would ruin our relationship and he'd stop wanting to help me.

So should I bother mentioning I'm mentally ill in my statement of intent? If so, how should I go about it?

I'm not so much ashamed that I'm mentally ill, only that I don't want to be rejected on the account of the stigma associated with mental illness.

As a final clarifying note, yes, I do realize that graduate school will be harder than my undergraduate program. However, I do want to get a PhD eventually because I love doing research and that's something I'd like to do for the rest of my life because it actually makes me happy.

Loneliness and location

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 08:26:09 -0800

I'm heading back to the work world after studying abroad, and want to overcome my long-standing social isolation. Where should I move to? I'm 27, and finishing a masters degree at a university in Sweden. Between this and my prior experience in the software industry, my career is in great shape. But my social life is not. I'm lucky enough to have kept close friends from high school, but have struggled to make new ones since then. This also carries over to dating: my only sexual experience was a fling with an old friend a couple years back. The thought of this continuing indefinitely is scary but all too realistic.

Soon I need to start applying for programming jobs, and I'd like to do it with the above in mind. I'm a U.S. citizen from the Northeast, but I also traveled around Northern Europe (Scandinavia, Holland, Ireland, …) during my studies and wouldn't mind living there either. (I'm aware of the issues with getting work permits.) But the couple friends I do have here are also foreign students, and even outgoing expats say Swedes are hard to get to know. I'm afraid that even in an English-speaking country this could be the case for a foreigner. Are there expat MeFites that have experience with this? I prefer some aspects of the culture here, but it's no fun to live anyplace as a perpetual outsider.

If I do go back to the U.S., are some cities friendlier than others? Of course I realize that solving my problems involves hard work, personal change, and probably some form of therapy. But I don't want to sabotage my efforts either. Cities with good food, public transit, a decent music scene, and not overly conservative would be nice too.

Socially Awkward

Garden — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 12:02:46 -0800

Does anyone know of some good reads on conversation and social skills? I'm not suggesting that you can learn these subjects entirely by a book, but what I'm looking for is some methods to make communication a little bit easier when meeting someone or groups of people. It's rather embarassing, but I'm getting more and more uncomfortable with meeting new people as time goes by. The strange part is that when I'm around friends or family that I know, I come off as articulate, thoughtful, and at times funny.

This all disappears when I'm meeting new people. I'll either wait for someone else to say something or I'll just go completely blank.

I've seriously considered trying hypnosis for this problem as I can't stand how uncomfortable I am when I'm in these types of encounters. I don't even understand why this has become such a problem for me, but it is getting worse.

I'll ususally plan some questions for when I'm in these situations, such as checking out the news or making sure to ask people open-ended questions, but boy do I have a hard time when it comes time to do it. I'll completely forget what I had planned out and then I'll get stressed when people ask me questions.

After the encounter is over, I'll be able to think about a ton of different things I could've asked or responses I could've made.

Unfortunately, when I'm in these situations my brain seems to shut off and all that I keep thinking is remember to smile, don't talk about yourself, pay attention to the people's body language, don't be so serious.

If anyone has some suggestions on books or methods that they've used to get over this, please let me know.

How can I stop being so sensitive?

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:48:07 -0800

I'd like to be less sensitive to rejection, as well as situations that aren't actually rejection but that I take as such. I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember (I'm nineteen), and I have only come out of my shell in the last few months. Because of this, I'm incredibly sensitive to what others may think of me, since I've never really had friends and don't want people to dislike me. An example of this happened yesterday. I was helping my boyfriend with laundry, and because I didn't know where to put his Aunt's clothing I put both of her loads in the drier at the same time. (Something I do all the time at home, and assumed was OK.) She gave me a mini-lecture in an irritated tone of voice, and that was it.

Yet, after that I felt so bad I started crying (not in front of her.) When I told her I didn't know where to put her stuff, she said "that's when you ask," which is when I started scolding myself for having such poor social skills that I didn't even think to ask where her clothes go, then I told myself I was a bad person because I could've cost the family money for a new drier, that she probably hates me now, etc.

Another example would be in lab; I asked for help with an equation, the professor scolded me for not looking it over beforehand, and it was very hard for me not to start crying right there. I ended up giving up and leaving lab early.

I could give plenty more examples, but I think you get the jist of it. I should note that this also happens online - I received a rude response from a customer service rep not too long ago and it ruined my night.

I noticed that most people, when faced with such situations, tend to think, "Wow, that person is a bitch," or "They must be having a bad day." I've tried telling myself this, and even though I can logically say, "Well, this and that happened and it isn't my fault," it never sticks. I always end up internalizing it and feeling terrible. I also blame myself for having poor social skills quite frequently.

How can I overcome this? At the moment I don't have time to see a therapist, although I do plan to do that in the future.

Best English-language books on improving one's social and conversational skills

cotesdurhone — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 13:24:01 -0800

What are the best English-language books in existence on improving one's social and conversational skills? A good friend of mine is intelligent, nice, and pretty-- but has somewhat low self-esteem, is fairly self-conscious, and has inveterately been awkward in various social situations, especially at parties and other larger social events.

She recently started graduate school, and has been complaining to me that her social awkwardness continues, hindering her from getting to know her fellow students and making connections and friends.

Her birthday is coming up soon, and as a present I wanted to give her a collection of 3-5 books that bode to help her build self-esteem, overcome social anxiety, and improve her social and conversational skills.

I spent a long time searching Metafilter and manifold websites for suggestions on the best books that address these issues as comprehensibly as possible. I've pasted the results below.

Though there are thousands of such 'self-help' books, which made the search a bit precarious, I couldn't find any that seem particularly good. The best of the lot, for various reasons, seem at best 'just decent'-- limited, reductive.

I can't help thinking that there must be better ones, maybe written long ago and forgotten, maybe esoteric, I must be missing. Otherwise, the genre seems to be lackluster. I'm curious to hear any recommendations.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“True ease in talking comes from art, not chance, as those move easiest who have learned to dance.” - Alexander Pope

books
-- How to Win Friends & Influence People - Dale Carnegie [doesn't teach how to improve self-esteem, or why/how to be interested in others]
-- Conversationally Speaking : Tested New Ways to Increase Your Personal and Social Effectiveness by Alan Garner [mediocre to decent reviews]
-- The Art of Civilized Conversation: A Guide to Expressing Yourself With Style and Grace by Margaret Shepherd [mediocre reviews]
-- The Art of Conversation: A Guided Tour of a Neglected Pleasure by Catherine Blyth [below mediocre-to-decent reviews]
-- Messages: The Communication Skills Book & Messages Workbook - Matthew McKay
-- The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron
-- COPING:A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR PEOPLE WITH ASPERGER SYNDROME by Marc Segar -- //www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~alistair/survival/

Other books (but probably worse than the former)
-- The Fine Art of Small Talk: How To Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skillsand Leave a Positive Impression! by Debra Fine
-- How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less by Nicholas Boothman

Self-Esteem
-- Self Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning
-- The Self-Esteem Companion by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning
-- Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante H. Gunaratana -- http://www.budsas.org/ebud/mfneng/mind0.htm [suspect]
-- Out of Your Mind by Alan Watts (audio) [suspect]

Overcoming Social Anxiety
-- The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety: A Guide to Breaking Free from Anxiety, Phobias, and Worry Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy by John P. Forsyth
-- Daily Meditations for Calming Your Anxious Mind by Jeffrey, M.D. Brantley, Wendy Millstine

SIRC Guide to Flirting/ Advanced Guide
http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html

Edge Foundation
http://www.edge.org/q2008/q08_index.html#alda

Website devoted to improving Social Skills [seems at least okay]
http://www.succeedsocially.com/index.html
http://www.metafilter.com/69152/Succeed-Socially

"Positivity BLog" [decent, okay]
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/01/17/dale-carnegies-top-10-tips-for-improving-your-social-skills/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/11/15/how-to-improve-your-social-skills-8-tips-from-the-last-2500-years/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/04/10/17-inspirational-quotes-on-people-skills/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/09/05/7-habits-of-highly-ineffective-people/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/04/02/16-things-i-wish-they-had-taught-me-in-school/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2009/03/26/my-favorite-productivity-tip/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/07/22/five-awesome-and-five-awful-conversation-topics/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/06/27/5-conversational-mistakes-that-can-make-you-look-dumb/
(middling) http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2006/11/05/do-you-make-these-10-mistakes-in-a-conversation/
(middling) http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/09/17/do-you-make-these-7-body-language-mistakes/

Steve Pavlina Website [middling, poor]
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/how-to-go-from-introvert-to-extrovert/
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/risk-vs-reward-in-human-relationships/
http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/36993-how-do-you-socialize-when-you-really-don-t-want.html
http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/37205-unspoken-rules-social-interaction.html

For Fun
http://www.image-pro.ca/
http://www.psow.com/
http://www.perfectlypolished.com/
http://www.redhatsociety.com/

Paralysis by Analysis

Garden — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 09:48:32 -0800

Has anyone gone through a period in their life where they've just become too overanalytical and serious? I started therapy a little over a year and a half ago and it has been great. I've gained a lot of additional understanding of myself which has been helpful but at the same time I think it's actually detrimental in other ways. I've discovered a lot of positive aspects of my personality but I tend to focus on the deficiencies. I've been diagnosed as having some Asperger like traits (not the full blown Syndrome), ADHD (inattentive type), and a large amount of social anxiety. I feel stuck right now due to the fact that I don't know how to grow relationships with people that I'd like to have.

Before all the therapy, I would have described myself as an introverted, calm and empathetic individual. I struggled socially, but I always seemed to get by. I've always had a handful of friends to hang out with and that seemed sufficient for me (quality over quantity). The problems with these friendships is that most of my friends are now married and they're on a different course in life right now while I'm single and I need to find friends with similar interests that are single.

The problem with the therapy is that I'm so focused on all of my weak areas. I'd love to become a social butterfly, but I don't think that it's a realistic goal. I've read several books on conversational skills and social anxiety and they are interesting but I have a hard time implementing them into my life. I get into conversations and I am polite, I listen well, I ask people all sorts of questions about themselves, but it lacks the fun factor that I used to have in conversations. I don't know how to explain it, it just seems like I'm following too much of a script and it lacks spontaneity.

Does anyone struggle with this in conversations? I find myself thinking all the time what should I say? Sometimes my mind just goes blank and other times I just beat myself up. The weirdest part is that when I'm with friends or family I'm fine with the conversation. I can talk about anything with them. When it comes to meeting new people or people that I know only a little, I really struggle.

The other aspect of myself which has changed for the worse is that I'm pretty serious all the time and I hardly laugh anymore. I'll laugh if other people are laughing at something but it's not really heartfelt. I've asked my therapist about this and he says that once I relax and start enjoying myself that laughter will return and that I'll be less serious as well. I don't know, I feel stuck right now. I'm doing the things that I need to do, but I'm struggling with them.

I just think too much these days. I sit there and analyze everything and start reading about whatever I'm thinking about. For example I'll start reading about mindblindness as it relates to Aspergers Syndrome or theory of mind. Anything that I think about psychologically, I'm reading it.

I'd love to start some new hobbies, but I'm not even sure what would be a good hobby to start as my only goal in doing a hobby is having a shared interest with other people so as to facilitate better friendships.

If anyone has any advice about these issues or of some other time in their life when they've experienced similar issues, please let me know. It would be reassuring to know that I'm probably just going through a stage.

Could/should a severely depressed person volunteer abroad?

Anonymous — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 12:56:22 -0800

I asked This question a couple of months ago. Since then I've gone through one of the worst periods of depression of my life. I'm seeing a therapist and taking anti-depressants but they're not really helping. I'm depressed about my complete lack of meaningful relationships and experiences and the depression has made me more isolated and unmotivated than ever. I feel like I need to do something drastic to force myself to get out of my head and start living my life. I want to be in a situation where I have no choice but to work hard and interact with people. Volunteering abroad appeals to me a great deal but I have no real skills and I'm guessing my mental health problems would make it hard to get a placement. Would volunteering abroad be possible or advisable and is there anything else I could do?

I want to rock the party.

yersinia — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 18:10:51 -0800

One bachelorette party, ten miscellaneous female guests, one extremely introverted organizer (that's me!). Activities are set, but what little things can I do (or how should I behave) to keep things cohesive and lively, instead of awkward or lame? As maid of honor at my sister's wedding, I'm in charge of running her bachelorette party in a few months' time. The thing is, I'm personally pretty reserved and low-energy. I've never been to one of these things myself, and in general female group socialization of the "SQUEE!"/Sex-and-the-City variety is kind of a mystery to me. Sis is also on the quiet side of average, but she does like parties and I know she'd enjoy having a proper bachelorette experience.

The guests are likely to be a mix of mutually-unacquainted high-school, college, and work friends, ages 25-35, and I haven't seen Sis with any of them, so I have no real sense of the existing social dynamics. We'll likely be doing a pole-dancing class plus dinner, and thanks to this question I'm set with ideas for smaller activities/games.

What I'm worried about are the intangibles of executing this plan, the little details of demeanor and conversation that might help unite everyone into a group and ensure that the energy level stays high. Being a kind of un-fun person myself, I've had plenty of social interactions that bottomed out, energy-wise (as well as some where I ended up having to exhaustedly feign enjoyment for hours at a time), and I'm worried about how the party will fare if I'm the one responsible for getting the evening going.

Normally, just the thought of attending a bachelorette party would fill me with dread and anxiety, but I think I can make it through the hostessing if I have a very clear, explicit plan for how to act/what to say/how to "be"/etc. to keep things lively for everyone. So thinking back to the absolute funnest small party you've ever attended, what qualities and behaviors characterized the host(ess)? And how can I fake being, well, more like that?

What's a kid to do?

ahrara_ — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 01:36:42 -0800

I have had self-esteem, confidence, and anxiety issues my entire life. Lately, my confidence has been getting much better, but it is still very unstable. More than anything else, I want to be able to feel good about myself consistently. Is this possible, given my background (see inside)? If so, please share your success stories or advice on what I can do to feel good. I came to America as an immigrant when I was 6 and had a rather hard time fitting in. To make it worse, I had a rather tumultuous family life and a slightly abusive father. As a result, I had little self esteem and no social skills -- until High School, I can positively say that I had never established any kind of close friendship.

Since I started college though, things have gotten much better. I've been involved in some extracurricular activities that I've been fairly successful in and that have helped develop my interpersonal confidence and leadership abilities considerably. In fact, there are days where I am positively charming, funny, outgoing, and "one hell of a guy". When I'm like this, I have no problem doing things like going to parties, initiating conversation with perfect strangers, dealing with confrontations, etc.

But underneath that glossy exterior is an absurd amount of insecurity. I am easily intimidated and I feel uncomfortable being around people who are as capable socially, because I feel like I have to keep up with them. If I approach somebody in anything short of my super-confident mode, I tend to be very hard on myself and feel like a social failure. When my self esteem fails, my anxiety climbs until it starts interfering with my ability to function. I have trouble speaking coherently sometimes, to the point that I can hardly carry on a conversation. The social anxiety tends to make me feel very lonely, even when I'm surrounded by friends and have people available to hang out with -- I just know I can't *function* with them.

Some nights I just feel hopeless. Every time I've felt like I've finally reached a point where I could feel good about myself consistently, it's all come crashing down again somehow. Usually it's because I'm not around people often enough -- for the reasons stated above, I only have a small circle of people to spend time with.

I know self esteem issues aren't exactly new to askmefi. There are many questions about social anxiety and a lot of good answers, but very few get to the heart of what I want to know -- is this something I will struggle with for the rest of my life, or is it possible for someone like me to find a consistent sense of confidence? I'll be frank with you -- I'm not posting so much for advice on what to do, but for encouragement that it can be done, not only for myself, but for the many people here I'm sure share the same experience. Please share your success stories. The more detail the better!

Could use a confidence booster.

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 09:43:21 -0800

It's my first week in a college dorm. I feel alienated and out of place. Please help me adjust -- advice or encouraging stories appreciated. After 2 years of community college I've finally started *real* college. I'm now living in an on-campus apartment, meaning it's not a traditional "dorm" setting where you can just walk into anybody's door, anytime. There's less of a social environment, and I don't feel comfortable breaking out of the bubble of my suitemates. But it's 1:30am right now and literally all four of them are out at frat parties and etc. I feel like the ugly duckling. There was a dance earlier that I checked out for a while and then shirked out of because I simply have no idea what to do and felt extremely uncomfortable.

I'm not antisocial, but I'm not particularly confident either. I'm great in one-on-one situations, but extremely uncomfortable in large groups. I've even approached some of the apartments on my floor, but haven't made any good connections. Now my paranoid side is kicking in and I feel like I may have come off too strong/too shy/too whatever. My confidence is quickly plummetting :(, but I want to expand past my network of community college friends.

Please help. Is this natural at first? What are some good approaches? How can I feel more comfortable in this setting?

Help me find some new drugs

Anonymous — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 06:23:14 -0800

I use to self-medicate with marijuana for my social-anxiety and low-level depression...can that fact be used to direct me towards a specific antidepressant? Several years ago I was smoking pot very regularly - it was essentially a miracle drug for my semi-severe social anxiety. It would totally relax me around other people, even strangers, and allow me to speak, smile, and have an otherwise "normal" social life.

After a couple bad experiences, and several months of being alone and smoking by myself regularly, it completely turned on me and now I can't even smoke with my good friends without having a complete freakout of social paranoia...

I've been wondering...I have tried a number of SSRI's, with only very subtle improvements in my social anxiety and overall mood. I'm still searching for a better solution to supplement therapy. Is there any research on how cannabis acts on the brain, specifically with regards to anxiety and depression, which might point me towards a specific antidepressant to try?

Research or anecdotal information - any help would be appreciated. Thanks!

I've spent the past 7 years doing nothing

Anonymous — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 06:16:56 -0800

I spent my teens and early twenties struggling with undiagnosed social anxiety and depression which I dealt with by shutting myself off from the world and avoiding anything anxiety provoking (school work, social life, jobs, dating). I basically spent 7 years doing nothing but watching TV and reading stuff on the internet. I'm getting treatment for depression and my social anxiety has improved alot but I still spend most of my time doing nothing. I managed to get into a decent university (at the age of 21) but I just barely passed the first year and I almost had to drop out due to depression. I have no close relationships outside of my family and I've never had a girlfriend. How can I get my life back on track after missing so much?

How do I find the motivation to leave the house?

Danila — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 20:39:33 -0800

Long-term cabin fever, please help me get out of the house. I have a long history of depression and social anxiety, both before and after the onset of bipolar II disorder. Over the past 18 months, through medication and therapy, I have made tremendous strides in nearly every area of my life: mentally, emotionally, socially, intellectually, and spiritually. I am also very much an introvert and that won't be changing, but I have been able to sustain friendships and I have grown significantly closer to the people in my life.

The one thing that really nags at me right now is the fact that I still spend the vast majority of my time in my home. I'm more willing and certainly more able to go out, but I have very little desire to do so. In fact, I think I might go out of the house less now than I did when I was depressed.

Through the keeping of mood journals and regular discussions with my therapist, I really don't think I'm depressed. In fact, within my home I am quite active. I spend hours composing music in fruity loops, studying for college and posting messages back and forth with other students (it's online), talking on the phone with friends, reading, researching, etc. I watch very little tv although if I'm feeling physically sick (which is sadly often, due to severe allergies, PCOS, and migraines) I do tend to watch marathons and movies. Yet mentally I feel active, and I feel involved in the lives of others. And I feel good emotionally, in ways I never have before. I've also fixed my sleep schedule so I sleep at night now, and I'm awake during the day (a major victory for me).

But there's a whole world out there. I think some of the problem is that I'm just not used to going out. I have been sick in a number of ways since I was in grade school, and had to have a teacher sent to my home when I was in high school because I couldn't go (eventually dropped out). Before the onset of bipolar I did work, but that was only about a year before I became sick. I have worked and struggled to get the health care I need in spite of my limitations, to earn my diploma and associate's degree, and to rebuild my relationships.

Eventually, I would like to return to work (or continue my education at a brick and mortar school, because I realize I really like school). My therapist and I agree that I'm not quite ready for work yet, not even part time, but surely there's another way to leave the house. I don't even know how to do it, really, like how to establish that kind of routine and I'd appreciate some advice.

Finding a primary care doctor

syntheticfaith — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 08:57:04 -0800

I haven’t been to a doctor in nearly 10 years. 100% of this is due to what I believe is social anxiety. To get a real medical opinion I’d like/need to speak to a doctor. I cannot pickup the phone. (1) Looking for primary care physician recommendations near Columbia, MD and (2) advice on what to say to the person answering the phone. I’ll do my best to keep it brief. From 18 years old my “shyness” has progressed into full-blown terror at most social interaction. In the last two years it’s accelerated (unanticipated touch almost “burns”, I’ll basically agree to anything, I walk into walls because I won’t look at anything on eye level, I will physically get sick if the phone rings or someone knocks on my door). I’ve been self-medicating by living the simplest, blandest life I can.

I woke up Monday with searing pain in my jaw. I spent an hour weeping because I didn’t even consider going to a dentist, it was just a new thing in my life (I’d just bitten my cheek BTW). I have to address this. I’ve had the phone in my hand probably 10 times… I feel this is the closest I’ve come to actually doing something. My understanding is that you should pursue this type of thing with your primary care first, so step 1 is getting a pcp. (1) Do you have any recommendations (Columbia, MD area)? (2) Second thing (probably the biggest for me) what do you say when scheduling? I’m unsure of the protocol here. Do I say “I’d like to see Dr. Smith because of issues with …” or just save that for the visit and say “I’m looking for a PCP, is Dr. Smith taking new patients”. Just some additional info; I do have insurance BCBS and a job. I know question 2 is really stupid… but I won’t even go into a store until I’ve driven by enough times to know the layout from looking in the windows. Thanks for reading.

Suggestions for shy/anxious lurkers at meetups?

Two unicycles and some duct tape — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 04:49:31 -0800

Where can I find, order and purchase, by this evening, a T-shirt that says "Lurker" in big white letters? (Or would that be a bad idea?) Alternatively: please help me find ways to minimize or avoid social anxiety awkwardness at the PDX meetup. Hi, I'm a Metafilter lurker. I've been hanging around since 2002 or so but I don't say much. (This is actually my second account; I said a couple of things under my first account but I had second thoughts about them so I retired that one.) I have some social anxiety issues which make gatherings full of strangers difficult for me, though I'm trying to work through them as best I can.

I went to a meetup here in Portland a couple of years ago (at Ground Kontrol, some of you may remember it) and I spent a couple of hours doing the 'restlessly-circling-the-room-looking-for-some-reason-not-to-leave-immediately' thing that those of you who are shy or socially awkward probably know very well. Ultimately I did talk briefly with a couple of nice folks and it wasn't altogether as painful as it might have been, though I did leave quite early. The most awkward moments of the evening, I found, were those few when I'd end up facing someone and they'd visibly run through this Mefi recognition checklist: do I know this guy's face? no... do I recognize his username? [cue squinting and frowning at name badge] no... is there someone more interesting I could be talking to? hmm, probably... and then they'd sort of move on. It got to where I wanted to interrupt folks to say "Look, honest, you don't know me, you've never seen me post or comment, it's okay, hi, how are you?"

Sure, I get the curiosity about who folks are on Metafilter, and there are a ton of y'all whose posts and comments I've loved reading over the years and would probably enjoy chatting with in person, so I totally get the scanning-nametags-hoping-to-run-into-languagehat thing. But it's awkward and a bit disheartening to feel like I'm letting folks down just by not having a recognizable username. (Even if it is, as you'll no doubt suggest, all in my head. All-in-one's-headness doesn't necessarily make it go away.)

So I'm debating how best to approach the meetup this time to minimize potential awkwardness. I kind of feel like a "Lurker" t-shirt might help - that way I can get that right out of the way, no one will expect to know me, right? (Given the short notice, maybe it'd be easier to find someone who could whip up a button or something?) Or maybe we should stake out and designate a Lurker's Corner or something, where we not-so-extrovertish lurkers can get our lurk on in the shallow end before venturing into the deeper waters where all the cool kids hang out?

I'd really like to feel more at ease and possibly make some friends among Portland Mefites, but I'm feeling some anxiety already and beginning to have second thoughts about going. Any thoughts or suggestions on ways to mitigate anxiety and have a great time at tonight's meetup would be most welcome.

How can I get people to give me a chance?

Anonymous — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 10:56:04 -0800

Can anyone help a person who has had moderate to severe mental health problems find employment? I have had relatively severe social phobia and avoidance issues for a long time. I can count the people I actually know on my fingers.

I haven't worked since the end of 2002, doing menial retail work.

I've been attending university on and off since 2001. Mostly random stuff like metaphysics, economics, geology, and foreign language. I've dropped a lot of classes due to my anxiety.

I have rarely left the house in the past year, only to infrequently apply for work and get food and stuff.

I am a reasonably smart person, I guess, and I am a hard worker. I am sort of good-looking and can be charming with a group of total strangers (if I don't talk about myself). I was on the path to getting better until my mother died in October of 2007. I kind of had a relapse and shut myself off from the world even more.

My work history, lack of non-familial references and sporadic college coursework make me look like a complete loser. But I'm not. How can I get people to see this?

Please e-mail me at bubblegooseannie@gmail.com if you want more background, I could barely write this post about myself.

How did you find love or companionship in spite of anxiety?

Anonymous — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 11:02:02 -0800

What steps did you take to find your partner in spite of social anxiety or severe shyness? This is for the members who consider them to be anywhere from moderately shy to severely social phobic. If you currently are or were in a relationship, how did you meet your SO? What steps did you take to improve your chances of meeting this person. I mean things you did apart from therapy and other self help stuff like getting shape and dressing better and such.

I know the usual advice in reply to questions related to meeting people and finding potential lovers/mates is to "just be yourself" and that "it will happen when you're not looking or least expecting it" and so forth but I don't think it would apply for the majority of those grappling with this issue.

So, did you start with a concrete plan in mind? Did you enlist the help of someone more extroverted? Did moving to a larger city or town make a difference? Or joining any particular organization or activity group. Once you'd encountered that person, did you make the first move? Or were you lucky enough that it occurred the other way around? How did your interactions in the early stages of the relationship play out? Did it all just fall in place because your SO is also just as reserved? In short, how did it happen !?! Any and all specifics that you could share would be very helpful and hopefully instructive.

I'd like to hear from members of both sexes but specially from men since it seems it might have been more of a challenge for them.

I'm working assiduously on my problem but feel that time is running out and with each passing month/year the label of "single, shy 30-something guy" looks even more unattractive and unhelpful. And I fully realize that there isn't any single thing that will work for everyone; I'm just interested in hearing about the experiences of others . My apologizes if this comes across as a bit of a ramble and/or chat filter material.

You can email me at anon.mefi1@gmail.com if you wish to share something in private.

You Take My Breath Away... Help, I Can't Breathe...

Anonymous — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 08:14:58 -0800

Help me deal with high stakes situations without turning people off and giving myself headaches. Sometimes I feel like an extrovert with the skills of an introvert. When I am relaxed and comfortable with people, I can tell jokes, tell stories, have great intense or silly conversations, argue well, and just *engage*. I like who I am at those moments. I wish all of life could be like that.

Unfortunately, whenever I am not relaxed - in most new or high-stakes situations like meetings with the boss, meeting strangers, dates - I am the exact opposite. If I want to make a point, I can't remember any of my arguments. If I try to tell a story, it comes out stilted. If I'm with a guy I really like I'll suddenly be unable to think of any topic of conversation I could possibly bring up. I just generally go quiet.

What frustrates me the most is not what I do or do not say itself - it's the body language I can't control. I cross my arms, I can't meet people's eyes, my voice becomes soft and I speak fast and clipped. I sometimes have problems eating beforehand, because of butterflies in my stomach/nausea, and I frequently get headaches after (I never get headaches otherwise). By this point something that was supposed to be fun or at least exciting is now completely aversive and I just want it over with.

Example 1: I recently went out on a date with a boy I like. We've been friends for a little while and when we've been with our friends I've felt very comfortable and able to be myself. But when we went on a date, I suddenly couldn't meet his eyes or think of very much to say, and by the time the evening was over, I had a headache. This is a constant problem for me - it is probably part of why I have never dated anyone, or hooked up with anyone when I wasn't drunk.

Example 2: I have a really great job with a very kind, encouraging boss. But I'm kind of intimidated by him - he's fairly famous in our field - and so whenever he asks me casually how I'm doing or how my weekend went I find myself freezing up and giving a very rote and unfriendly sort of answers.

I doubt that this is uncommon - maybe it's just an exaggerated version of what most people go through. And most of the time I am absolutely fine. I have some amazing friends and can small talk at the checkout line with the best of them. But I'm worried that in these specific instances I'm not leaving a good impression - at best, people must be thinking that I'm kind of uptight and boring, and at worst, what if they think that I'm not interested in them or invested in the situation - when that is the exact opposite of how I feel! I'm constantly shooting myself in the foot.

So, HiveMind - have you ever gone through this? How did you cope? What are some steps I can take and things I can do to help myself here?

Making New Friends in a Busy Social World, overcoming Anxiety

Anonymous — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 19:05:58 -0800

Currently, I have few friends. I've always had problems making friends. I've had even bigger problems keeping them. I don't know where to start, or how to remedy. ....... Hello,

First, I'd like to say that I am posting anonymously because I do not wish this question to be linked to my online screen name for the rest of internet eternity. I hope you (and the mod approving it) can understand this concern. :)

Now let me get to my life impacting question:

First point: I have very few friends.

All throughout my life, I have had issues KEEPING friends. And, making them, to a certain extent... in the sense that all friendships I've had seem to have materialize on their own or through the efforts of others, and not through my own actions.

So today I have maybe 2 or 3 somewhat- real friends. I cannot confide in them 100%, more like 80%. They are not my ideal choices in friends, but I have them and will not let them go for this very fact.

I feel that these friends are not a fit for me. They are not as reliable as I'd like, they do not fit my own lifestyle and goal-oriented ideas like I'd like.

So I feel they are almost holding me back and causing me frustrations just in the way that they live their lives. Its is not their or my fault, just a % of inequality in our lifestyles.

Don't get me wrong, they are great for good times, and great to share experiences and elicit advice (on the two-way advice street). But they also have problems that I know I would do better not being around .. like alcohol/driving and drugs/jail related histories.

I am able to separate their problems from my life (as in, not put myself in harms way or let them influence me) but as such, I would like to add to these friends .. and maybe as a result be able to spend less time with the troublesome group but not alone lost in my own lonely thoughts.

So far.. this may seem like an easy situation to resolve .. but I have huge issues going out ALONE and trying to make friends. The fear of rejection seems to be a huge thing i suffer with, among severe anxiety that does not quell into I feel comfortable.

In the area I live, right now (8:30p on a Saturday night) there are not may options unless I know people.

I.e. Going out alone to the bar.. because #1 I am not going to drink & drive, and why else would you go to a bar? Not dirnking would seem socially odd in my mind. (If you tell me to get over this fear, I may say I do not find it possible to just "get over" and live on. Anxiety comes into play).

Beyond that, even if I had a ride, all i can picture is walking between the finely knit groups, awkwardly breaking their "circle" to get a word in, and trying to fit in with one of them. Being such a outcast I dont even have much to talk about! This process will not look good at all to the other patrons (and potential future friends), and so after two or three moves between groups, I would seem like a social outcast (which is not necessarily untrue.), but would still prevent me from making progress seeming as a stable, interesting friend.

So far I know this much: 1) need new friends. 2) have to get over the fear of rejection and social stigma.

Therefore, imaging the advice I will get from ask.mefi, yes i need to start a new sport. or hobby. and meet the people there.

But I still have problems with small talk , and starting conversational threads without my anxiety getting in the way. I have this and that and all other internet resources to learn off of , but putting it into affect is not as simple as find and reading the resources.

After trying sites like events@ craigslist, and meetup.com, and other sites .. it seems to be very hard to be successful in meeting people. Or, at least I havent found sites that work for me.

So, I dont know where to start. I would be open to any other thoughts you may have on this delima I find myself suffering through every weekend. Please do what you do best ask.mefi, help me!!

I thank you in advance for every idea you can share

beginner in a life drawing class?

Not Supplied — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 12:27:35 -0800

Would it be viewed as strange to go to a life drawing class if I can't draw very well? I've recently been getting into drawing, and noticed a local free 'life drawing' class. I told them I would come, thinking that it was the same thing as 'still life'

On reflection, and checking 'life drawing' will probably involve a nude model.

Normally, I wouldn't be overly embarrassed by this sort of thing. However, I am still a real beginner at drawing. I feel like people there might think that it's a bit suspect that I came, and it could turn into a socially anxious loop in my head that would make me awkward, and thus make me seem more suspect etc.

Backing out wouldn't be a problem, but I would actually like to practise doing anatomical drawings for various reasons, and would quite like to go.

If you've done this kind of drawing, what is your feeling about the situation? Would it seem odd if someone turned up and produced some beginner sketches?

Extroverts, please speak up!

Anonymous — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 19:22:33 -0800

This one is for the extroverts. As someone who has struggled with social anxiety/shyness to varying degrees my entire life, I'm very curious to know what your inner dialogue is like? What goes on in your mind in various everyday social situations? Are there 'positive' things (if anything at all) that you're saying to yourself or is it just the opposite in that there isn't much of a dialogue prior to the action and instead of thinking (or overthinking) about the hows and whys and whatifs, you just act.

For example, you spot an attractive stranger across the room, decide you'd like to talk to them. Do you then just walk across the room and do it just because you wish to talk to them, without any planning, or caring about the outcome? Is that how it is, when you boil it down? You just do and think/evaluate later? What if the outcome isn't what you'd desired? What are you mental processes in that case, post action. Do you even have an inner critic or were you just born with the ability to 'be in the moment' ?

I realize that it is 'natural' to experience some degree of anxiety in the scenarios similar to the one mentioned above and yet there seem to be some for whom feeling anxious (at least socially) seems like a totally alien concept. It is from those people (though comments from others are also welcome) that I'd like to hear. I just want to know what kind of self evaluation (if any at all) is going on in your mind when you're in social situations.

Thanks!

Describing social anxiety and panic attacks.

zennie — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 13:25:41 -0800

What's an effective way to describe social anxiety and panic attacks to people who are unfamiliar with these concepts? Sometimes, there's little choice but to attempt an explanation, on the spot (let's assume you're not carrying around literature with you). How would you handle that? Metaphors? Anecdotes?

Looking for over-the-counter anti-anxiety medication.

Rhadamanthus — Wed, 07 May 2008 23:52:01 -0800

What are some over-the-counter drugs (or herbal medicine) that can be taken to treat severe anxiety until I can get some health insurance? I'm looking for something to treat my (severe) social anxiety until I can get a job and health insurance. I don't care if it's a drug (the legal kind, that is), or if it's herbal. All that matters to me is that it's effective, over-the-counter, affordable, and preferably lacking in any weird and/or severe side effects.

I had heard about something called "Kava", so I looked it up on Wikipedia, but was greatly turned off after reading the risks. If anyone has had any experience using this, I'd like to hear about it.

If it matters, I live in the United States, and am not allergic to anything (as far as I know).