Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with single

Single mother by choice needs help deflecting silly comments

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 08:07:18 -0800

What are some other terms for illegitimate, fatherless children of single mothers? Help me respond to critical, concerned and old fashioned comments with a bit of humour. So I went to a laboratory and got knocked up by a test tube, there's no father and I'm not in a relationship. It's my first child, the pregnancy is starting to show, and I am trying to answer the many questions I get with a bit of humour. Obviously I am stoked about what I'm doing, and it was totally on purpose, but people still have that knee-jerk "Oh honey I'm sorry" response some times, as if the child and myself have been abandoned and are to be pitied. Either that, or they are sorry that I have chosen to do something that they feel strongly against on some moral/religious level. I accept both, but not without a small rebuttal.

Taking derogatory terms about my situation and making them my own is a powerful tool, and I would like to have more up my sleeve. I like to tell people about how I just love my illegitimate fatherless fetus and it's just how I wanted it, which seems to do the trick. I sort of take what they're thinking (worst case scenario) and make it mine, without lodging an attach against them. I say it with a chuckle.

Feel free to comment, good or bad. How would you handle this?

What are some other terms I could use to describe me and/or my baby and/or my situation? Bastard child, maybe?

Have you or anyone you know been in similar shoes, and how did you respond to critical or concerned questions and reactions?

Also, as a side note, do you find this tasteless?

Seeking new Church

dmbfan93 — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 12:52:04 -0800

Need Church Recommendation in NOVA/DC area with active 20/30/40 single congregation Looking for a church in the NOVA/DC area, and specifically am looking for a Christian faith based church that is less focused/caters to families or equally caters to the single population and folks with lifestyles alternative to the family unit. Tired of feeling like an alien because I don't have a spouse and four children trailing me as I walk down the church aisle to my pew. If you know of any vibrant church congregations that have an active 20/30/40 something crowd composed of more than the usual married families but include an active single people population, please share the names of those churches and location. Thanks.

When solo road-trips get old...

forallmankind — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 18:35:19 -0800

I have a week vacation for Thanksgiving. Usually I take off for a road-trip, but last year - British Columbia - I found for the first time the thrill of the open road being overtaken by a sense of loneliness and (somewhat) isolation. I'm single and have travelled a lot on my own, but now I kinda don't wanna, but I would like to have an experience with my week off. And it's been a pretty tough year (right?) and I could use a break. How do single people navigate this? Additional info:

a) I live in LA & all my friends live in LA, so the option of visiting a distant friend is not available.
b) No, I don't have a friend I can take with me - everyone's working and/ or has family commitments.
c) I'm European, so I have no relatives in this country to visit, and also don't have Thanksgiving commitments.
d) For visa reasons I can't leave the US (don't ask).
e) I've already road-tripped to the following states: AL, AZ, AR, CA, CO, FL, GA, ID, KY,LA, MS, MT, NE, NV, NM, NY, NC, OR, PA, SC, SD, TN, TX, UT, VA, WA, WV, WY
f) I could drop $1-1.5K
g) I'm 37
h) I know - I should check into a hotel on the Vegas strip for a week. Does it make any difference that I don't drink or gamble?

God only knows what I'll do for Xmas!

Learning to THRIVE alone after divorce.

MultiFaceted — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 21:38:35 -0800

After divorce, how can I learn to be a confident, whole individual without being in a relationship? I'm struggling with insecurity, I feel like there is a part of me missing, and I've gotten myself so worked up about it that I'm in a state of "analysis paralysis." Please help me break through that paralysis! I am divorced (1 year and some change) after a 7 year marriage. The big issue in the marriage was that my ex eventually decided that he just didn’t want to be married to me anymore. Over the last 4+ years of the marriage, he withdrew emotionally, stopped telling me he loved me (when I asked he would answer “sometimes I love you”), told me that he didn’t miss me when I left for trips/conferences, was never in the mood for intimacy (not even kissing, very rarely hugging, never initiated by him), and toward the end began lying about random things. I’m not convinced that an affair was happening…I’m not convinced that it didn’t happen either. Needless to say, I spent those 4 years analyzing and guessing at what would make him love me again, which I now see was a massive blow to my self esteem. I lost touch with who I was (I used to be a strong, independent, determined woman) during that time, and that just kills me.

While the divorce was immensely painful (I believe that you just don’t “give up” on a lifetime commitment but I had no other choice), it was also the absolute right thing to do and I feel like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders as I started life over. I got the very clear, strong message that I needed to use this time in my life to “learn to live alone” in preparation for a future relationship, if that makes any sense. I definitely feel as though I will be married again someday, but now is my time to develop as a person. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what I’m struggling with.

I feel as though something is missing in my life, and I think it’s the fact that I am not in a relationship (for the record, I have been talking to an ex boyfriend and we have talked about wanting to date each other in the future but right now we both have “issues” to work through. So there’s the possibility there, and it’s constantly on my mind). I know that I’m smart, I have a great job, great friends who love me, and I contribute positively to the world. But I long to have a partner…someone that I know for certain loves me and thinks about me and wants to be with me. The only way I can explain it is that I’m just not fully successful and complete without that. There are times where I am just “paralyzed” with that longing and wind up wasting hours just watching TV or reading (which equals procrastination) instead of being active, and I hate that! It’s holding me back, and I just can’t figure out how to get past it. I also have a huge sense of insecurity/anxiety about any future relationships…like I’ll misread a man’s signs and screw up a potential relationship or chase after men that truly aren’t into me.

I did therapy as the marriage was ending (yes, currently attempting to get back in to see someone), and it is helpful but it’s only 1 hour a week. I understand CBT (trained in it!) and so I know all of the mental exercises that I should be doing. My counselor training is working against me at the moment though (I’m good at convincing myself that it won’t work or that I won’t do it right) and I’ve gotten myself in a state of “analysis paralysis”.

I am looking for any advice or personal anecdotes you can give me. I want to make the most of this time being single and I desperately want to clear this hurdle. How can I learn to feel like a “whole person” without a relationship? How do I deal with that huge feeling of insecurity I have? I’m open to book suggestions, Bible verses, specific things to do, hard questions to ponder, a good butt kicking, whatever you got to break the mental paralysis and move forward. I’ll be glad to hear it all!

How to post cleanly one slide in a WP post?

bru — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 07:50:00 -0800

Is there a way to show single slides in WordPress without losing definition? I have been working on an online presentation with text and graphs on .ppt (just to be seen on computer screens).
I just want to be able to post a slide as an image in my WordPress blog so I can add text underneath if necessary.
I had tried before .ppt to .pdf to .jpg and I thought it looked good but obviously my test was not detailed enough: now with colored lines and 12pt text on the slide, I lose definition, colors are bleeding, artifacts everywhere.. the horror... the horror!

With slideshare, I have only 2 choices: small screen or full screen, with no option to display each slide separately.

Am I overlooking something basic or is there a solution I don't know about?
Note: I am not a coder but I can have something installed if necessary.

What are the major obstacles of single adoption?

fairykarma — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 16:46:56 -0800

What are the major obstacles of single adoption? I've come to the conclusion that I'm not particularly comfortable with raising a kid from birth to whenever they leave the house; I'm not interested all that much in marriage. And I believe it might be particularly difficult to find a woman who would respect those decisions. Nevertheless, I was born in a third world country and my non-biological dad is from the West and married my mom, who was single at the time. I went back to visit after 12 years. The standard of living was very intolerable and depressing. I never felt safe at all during my visit there. Even my own relatives scared me a bit, talking about money (or lack of) pretty much all the time.

America, granted its multitude flaws, is a damn fine country and moving here was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. My original plan was to just live a hedonistic yuppie life, partly due to the influence of my peers. The problem with that is I don't plan on settling down in the traditional sense. So... envisioning myself at 50 and still "living it up", doesn't strike me as particularly productive.

It came to me that perhaps I could also give the same gift my dad gave me, America. To two kids (preferably girl and boy), and above the age of 7.

I'm not particularly picky about the country. I'm most concerned with

1. Which countries are lenient with singles who want to adopt?
2. What bureaucratic obstacles am I likely to go through?
3. Can those obstacles be solved with money?

Need advice on travel in Europe

dmbfan93 — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 18:27:07 -0800

Need travel advice. Please give suggestions on the best way to travel around Europe when you are single, young professional, adventurous, don't want to travel with your close friends (already did that) but don't want to travel alone. Please share with me some information on your best experiences traveling abroad....when you either traveled on your own, or with a tour group? I'm interested in visiting Spain, Italy, Greece primarily (not necessarily all in same trip) but I don't want to be totally on my own, yet I don't have anyone in my group of friends I'm dying to travel with at the moment (and I'm single). Suggestions? If its kosher, please provide the names of good travel sites/tour groups. Has anyone had a positive experience with Sierra club trips? Thx in advance!

Single man on vacation not seeking wife

evil_esto — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 03:15:01 -0800

I have a week to spend in Queensland (or Nthrn NSW) (I live in Brisbane). I want to chill out and be near beach and rainforest. Dont need nightlife, perfect cafe lattes or room service. Trying to keep the cost down... any ideas from aussie mefites? The amount of info on the web is well... overwhelming. I'm looking for recommendations. I have several weeks to make my reservation. I have no car and cant drive but would like to hire a bike. And I will be alone. The obvious option is camping but I have no camping equipment. Whale watching could be good

I'm 34, fit, need a break and will be doing this after 5 days living it up in Melbourne. Need to chill out. Please help.

Reevaluating the big life plan...

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 19:18:40 -0800

Late 20's life planning, do I plan for the family I may never have or do I live my life as if I'll be single forever, unless I just happen to meet someone at which point i reevaluate? I'm going to try really hard and not make this an omg I'm 27 and going to die alone post.

Basically, I'm in my late 20's and very single. While I date fairly frequently I can honestly say I've only met a couple men in my entire life I could see marrying. The last guy I met who I had serious feelings about didn't feel the same way about me, as have more or less all the others. This year has brought a flood of engagements and I find myself with fewer and fewer single friends, but really nothing changes for me. I'm largely ok with this, but I see the day coming very soon where most of my friends will be married with kids and well, I won't be.

There are lots of really interesting opportunities out there to live abroad, go into the foreign service etc. I think this would be very interesting, but I've already lived abroad several times and it isn't something I have to do again. This life style would also involve a lot of moving around every couple of years and not laying down roots anywhere, which isn’t ideal for meeting someone or raising a family. Going abroad would also be a serious cut in income, which would be alright if I was single and had no dependants.

I really like the idea of settling down in the next 5 years and having kids, I've always really wanted children, but I honestly don't know if that is going to happen. Basically, I don't want to sit and build a career and save money primarily so I can buy a house and have kids one day if I'm going to wake up in 10 years and be exactly where I am now, but probably unable to have children. Up until this point in my life I've made most of my decisions under the premise that I wanted a stable job and money so I could have a family. Now I'm well on my way to that goal, but I have absolutely no real prospects at this time and it has been years since I've met anyone I could really see myself with. Is it better to go with plan B (travelling, adventure, less security) which I know I can make happen, rather than hope Plan A works out (meet someone, fall in love, have a kid before I'm too old)?

My friends tell me I could still meet someone in time to have kids etc, and they are absolutely right and this certainly isn't a question about giving up all hope or to stop dating. I just really don't like the idea of planning and saving and forgoing other opportunities for a husband/partner that may never enter into my life.

I should also add that I don't think I would want to be a single mom. While it isn't entirely out of the question, I was raised by a single mom and I don't think it's really the life I would want.

So boiling that down to an actual question, what's the better bet for a single 27 year old female? Do you plan for the life you want or for the life you know you can make reality?

Do they make deoderant for the stink of desperation?

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 18:03:22 -0800

I'm pretty sure I stink of desperation when I'm out on dates. Please help me stop doing that. I just turned 27. Living in Big Coastal City, where most of my college friends call home; I grew up in one godawful small town and went to college in another, so all my roots (professional, personal) are here. And when I say all, I mean all - once a year at Thanksgiving I call my parents to ask if they're willing to see my older brother again, dad says something about lifestyles and God's wrath and sin, I hang up and go over to my brother's boyfriend's parents' place for dinner. 90% of the time, I love it here - my friends are great, my career is off like a rocket, I'm having a blast.

Except:

All of my friends are in relationships. Every single one as of six months ago. About half are married or engaged; the others are in various stages of seriousness, but not a one of them is single. It wasn't like this when we moved here, but basically, since then, they've all gained relationships and almost none of them have lost any. I even made a list to be sure. I head up a team of six at work - all of them are a year to four years younger than me, and one of them is unattached; he's the most introverted person I've ever met. Me, though - I've been single for three years, as of this fall. I had a month-long fling in 2007, and that was going great, until she decided to go back to her ex. That's the closest I've come.

I paid attention to people who told me to just do things I loved, and get out and be social, and it'd happen. I tried that - joined a couple of groups devoted to my hobbies; started volunteering. That didn't work. Well, it worked inasmuch as it made my life better, and I did get a few new friends/acquaintances out of it, and a couple of unsuccessful dates, but... no meaningful progress toward any kind of girlfriend.

I go on dates, when I can; I sometimes meet someone at a party, or a random conversation on the street turns into meeting for coffee. I just started online dating at a friend's urging, but it's been an incredibly depressing experience as I start to understand how horrific the gender imbalance is. It seems like a tremendous amount of work and rejection to even get to a single date.

Now here's the thing: I still believe that I'm doing things "right," as much as there is such a thing. I'm keeping active, and social; I've checked with trusted friends that my clothing, apartment, behavior, aren't horribly wrong. I will meet someone - logic says so. I may have had really bad luck so far, but there's nothing stopping me from meeting anyone at any of a dozen social events, hitting it off, yadda yadda. My problem is staying positive. I'm the first one to say that desperation is the worst thing to have when you're single. But I'm getting really, really desperate. I'm really envious of the lovebirds around me, and frankly, being basically celibate is kind of horrible. I'm pretty sure at this point that when I am chatting with a girl, the desperation is obvious, and it looks awful.

So how the hell do I manage this? How do I stay sane when I'm surrounded with happy couples, without ditching my entire social network? I've heard people say that I need to "stop trying," but I can't understand how to actually do that. I stay busy; between work and hobbies and friends I don't even have a lot of free time, so it's not like I'm just sitting at home moping. But like I said... it's been a long time since I've had any hope at all about relationships, and I honestly don't know, and would like to know, how to obscure/manage what is, frankly, an increasingly desperate mental state? What's worked for the green? How can I chill the fuck out?

What's a single (dormed) girl to do?

punchdrunkhistory — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 14:07:39 -0800

How does a naturally introverted girl adjust to college life while living in a single dorm her freshman year? This September I'll be starting college at a small private liberal arts school. I'm a natural introvert, and so was looking forward to having a roommate in order to give my social life that much more of a jump start (as discussed heavily in this question). However, I learned today that I'll be living in a single. I'll be living on a floor with the other members of my first-year seminar, so I won't be totally alone, but I'm still terrified that I'm going to end up retreating into my room and find myself eating alone and never socializing. How do I get past this and make friends?

(To be clear, I have already met quite a few people through our class's Facebook group, and my best friend so far has already offered to hang out with me, but I'm sure even he will end up spending more time with his roommates. But this might just be paranoia.)

Single female traveling alone and staying in a youth hostel in Shanghai: fun adventure or catastrophically bad idea?

aquafortis — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 21:52:12 -0800

Single female traveling alone and staying in a youth hostel in Shanghai: fun adventure or catastrophically bad idea? Do any women out there have any experience traveling alone to Shanghai and staying in a youth hostel? I've been thinking this would be fun, but don't know if I'd be better off waiting until my friends can join me some other time. Would Bejing be a safer choice?

All thoughts, ideas, and suggestions welcome-- thanks!

Ideas for alcohol-free mingle for single parents and their kdis?

Lutoslawski — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 10:08:36 -0800

What kinds of fun things can we do at a social event for single parents and their kids with no booze? Using my question on something work related [sigh].

I work for a children's museum. We frequently show up in things like the missed connections, e.g. 'our kids played together at the children's museum and had a great time. You seemed really sweet. Wanna schedule a play date?'

So we've decided to hold a special event, after hours, just for single parents and their kids - with the intention being at least somewhat a mingle for single parents to meet other single parents and make the sparks fly and the fireworks happen, etc etc.

The catch is - we can't serve any alcohol, because of the kids (and because you'd be nuts to liquor up a bunch of parents and stick them in the car with their kids). Seeing that alcohol is frequently a key ingredient in the whole meeting other people game, what kinds of things could we do at this event that would make it easy for people to meet and get to know each other that isn't awkward and that includes kids? I'm not a single parent, so I'd love to here from any that might have ideas of what they might like to do at something like this. What sorts of games? Activities? Ice breakers? Anything? Or other resources I might find some ideas?

Thanks Hive Mind!

39 yr old feeling like a 13 yr panicked boy

Anonymous — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 07:08:05 -0800

I think I have a mini crush on a kindergarden teacher...help!! *sigh* I recently became separated from my wife. Like 2 months ago. Divorce papers will start soon. My smallest kids attends a very small kindergarden. So there is this teacher that I like... as in, I get nervous and clumsy near her (I am 39 yrs old!). My biggest accomplishment so far has been asking her name, trying to cover it by saying immediately after: "kids, say goodbye to Miss E-----."

First of all, I dont even know if she knows that my wife and I have split. All the kid's moms know, and maybe the principal, but not sure if SHE knows.

Second, I'm so afraid that she sees me like a "Dad", because that is obviously the context. I drop the kids and pick them up, trying to do this every day, hoping she'll appear. Sometimes she does, sometimes another teacher comes out.

Third: Once the summer school ends, in about 2 weeks, that's it. We changed the kids to another school, so I will never go there again. I feel like a 15 yr old that has no clue about how to do anything!

Questions:
- is it too early in my "separation" process to start noticing other women?
- but the bigger question is:
How do I approach her? I have a few days left before summer school ends....And how do I do it in front of my kids?? And other moms??

please help.

Tips for single dad

ian1977 — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 08:36:25 -0800

Looking for tips, advice, how-to's, words of wisdom, dire warnings, helpful websites/blogs/books, and general info on single parenting in general...and for single parenting for a dad raising an almost 3yo in particular. My daughter's mom and I have been separated for several months now...its all well and good and not the crux of my question.

The first few months of the separation were survival mode: living arrangements, bills, divorce stuff, etc.

Now that the dust is settling I am looking forward to honing my routine and techniques as a single parent. To that end I am looking for any advice or tips or resources you might have found helpful. Specifically to a dad raising a daughter.

Pertinent info: I have my daughter half the week. She is 2 2/3rds years old. I am single, although I've been on dates...no one has met my daughter yet of course. Mom is about to cohabitate with bf. Mom and I get along well and it gets better as time passes.

I am looking for very practical advice (pigtails still elude me, is there a how-to?) and more inspirational abstract type stuff as well.

I know there is a plethora of websites to be had from a simple google search, but I am hoping to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Thanks!

Sick of stag.

Anonymous — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 08:29:08 -0800

Why (in the hell) can I not bring a date to this wedding? So let's say I have this good friend, Larry. Larry and I have been pretty tight for about 10 years, but work has taken me away to the other side of the world (literally - Larry's living in a major US metropolis, I'm living in a far-flung country that's [roughly] 2 (count 'em: two) 12-hour flights to get to where Larry is).

Larry's getting married to a nice gal. Its pretty much expected that I'll be at the wedding, Larry and I were even roommates at one point. I consider him a pretty close friend, and he knows more about me than most, but I'm an introvert and Larry's a pretty popular guy. I had almost expected to perhaps be an usher in the wedding or something, but I wasn't particularly surprised when that didn't happen - Larry has a lot more friends than I do.

So I get the invite, its addressed to me, specifically (i.e. not "and guest"). However, the RSVP card does have a field for "Number attending."

Larry and I are catching up recently and the wedding comes up. I talk about who I'm going to bring as a date (he and I would discuss my interest in particular dates often, back in the day), and Larry very pointedly states that nobody is bringing dates to this wedding and only the names on the envelopes are invited. He apparently thinks that all weddings are like this, and says as much - according to him only married or engaged people get to bring a date.

This puts me off a great deal. I am literally making plans to travel around the world, at my own expense and on my own vacation time, to be there to celebrate Larry's special day, and now I am essentially forced to do it "stag," probably sitting at a table with people I do not know, likely next to some friend of the bride that she thinks I'll be just perfect for, who I will have no interest in. I've been in these shoes before and choose to avoid it these days.

Questions:
1. Am I on a high horse I need to get off of? I don't have anyone in particular I desperately want to be there with me, I would just not like to be "alone" and ostracized as such at said wedding (large protestant WASP group where its generally assumed if you're diddling around in you're 30's and not married or fast approaching, there's something fundamentally amiss with you).

2. Are Larry and his fiance as pretentious as I'm currently now wondering? (Picture Tim Robbins' character in Shawshank Redemption - I feel like asking Larry "How can you be so OBTUSE?")

3. Where do I go from here? I don't know why this throws me off so much, but I'm at the point of considering not even going. I know I will, in the end, to avoid the headaches of "why didn't he make it to our wedding," but at the same time, I don't want to show up and concede the point that I've failed at being relationally successful.

4. Bonus: Why am I so angry about this? I know I shouldn't be, and I'm mad that I'm letting it get to me. It just strikes me at its core as something I shouldn't let pass with a sad, sunken gaze. It should be alright that I'm not engaged or married, and yet still want someone to be with me, right?

Quitting the competition, while still running the race

Chrysalis — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 07:25:20 -0800

Help me get my focus back on my own life and happiness and stop comparing/competing with my ex in my own mind... and stop having how I compare with others as a condition to my happiness/self esteem in general... 3 months ago I found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me, so I packed my bags the same day and moved back to my home town (I'd moved city to live with him, had been there a year) to try to rebuild my life. I've been doing a pretty good job of that, all things considered, and now have a great job, am studying and keeping busy with my sport, have reconnected with all my friends and have a pretty good social life, but I still find myself comparing or competing with him in the back of my mind... wondering whether I'm doing better or worse than he is (I cut off all contact so I don't know anything for certain and he doesn't know what I'm up to)... even though I know it doesn't matter and there's enough happiness to go around for both of us.

Due to the fact that he cheated on me with much prettier girls, my already shaky confidence in terms of attractiveness, has taken a bit of a beating, whereas he would have got a huge ego boost and being very handsome, charming and a seasoned player who knows what people want to hear, no doubt has more girls on tap. I've been getting some male attention which has been reassuring but somehow I feel like maybe I should be trying to be a player like he was, and compete with him on that level. Then I remember that I actually *don't* want to just have a whole bunch of meaningless encounters or dishonest relationships just to stroke my ego, I would at some point like to have a real, caring relationship, if indeed such a thing is a realistic expectation, and I certainly don't want to use or decieve anyone the way he did me. Sometimes I worry that maybe the fact that I want something different in terms of relationships to what he wants is some kind of deficiency and Mr Player knows something I don't.

We also compete in the same sport, him much more successfully than I, and I'm sure that would continue to be the case, and to be honest, that bothers me. I always put in 100% effort but he has more natural talent and experience. I hate that he was so awful and is living out my dream.

I know I need to go back to thinking in terms of "me" not "we" and just focus on my own life and have that be enough in and of itself, and that he is not the kind of person I should even want to be like, but there's always a little voice in my head when something good happens going "haha, take that, I win" and the opposite when something bad happens. And then, as in the above example, sometimes I want things I don't even want, just so that I can feel like I came out alright. I guess I have a bit of a fear that he's just more of a winner in life and I'm the loser who got played - I don't want to think like this!

I know I am a competitive person anyway, and I have always been guilty of comparing myself to others, to the detriment of my own happiness, but I want to change. I want to stop comparing myself to him, and to other people, and stop setting "being better/the best" as a precondition to my happiness/sense of self worth. I feel like I'm wasting my life away like this!

What are some things I can think about or do to help me live my life in the context of my own personal values/goals/dreams again and not keep having to compete to prove to him or myself that I am a great person?

Three's Company?

shesbookish — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 21:05:12 -0800

A single friend approached my husband and I about possibly moving in with him. Has anyone out there lived in this situation and do you have any advice for me? So, our friend is buying a house. He needs roommates to help him cover the mortgage. He is by far the neatest and most mature of our friends. We know if we move in with him it will be very clear who is responsible for which chores, how clean the house will be kept, etc.

We're currently living in an apartment building with noisy college kids. They pull the fire alarm, leave trash in stairwells, etc. It's really exciting to think about living in a neighborhood without those hassles. In addition, we'd be able to save quite a bit of money by splitting the mortgage with our friend instead of paying the rent to stay in our apartment. That said, I think that living as a married couple with a roommate will necessitate some changes. My question for those of you who have lived in this situation, how has living in this kind of situation affected your marriage? Would you recommend living in this kind of situation? Is there something I absolutely need to know before getting into this?

Clubbing again? No thanks.

CatherineK — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 09:26:41 -0800

All of my friends are single and I'm not. How to relate again? After reading this recent question, I felt prompted to pose the opposite question.

All of my girl friends are single and enjoy going to clubs, bars, etc. to meet boys. However, I've been seriously dating someone for almost a year and find that scene isn't really my scene anymore.

Usually this hasn't been a problem in the past since this wasn't something my friends were into, but now it is and I'm having a tough time relating to them like I used to.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to bridge that gap?

FWIW, I'm 26 years old and my friends are between 22-27 years old.

All my friends are in relationships... and I'm not

Anonymous — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 19:16:08 -0800

How do I deal with being the only single one amongst my group of friends? I'm a guy who's been single for the last four years or so. I'm in my mid-twenties and had only one real relationship of meaning. In the mean time I've watched friends go in and out of long term relationships, sometimes in a manner that seems almost instantaneous.

Recently I've found to be most difficult is the fact that on most weekends I'm going to be on my own... And it's weird. Because even a year ago, when the situation was the same, I still felt like every weekend I didn't have to wonder if I was going to be scrambling for someone to hang out with on a Saturday night.

In the past it's been extremely hard. Like the one time I hung out with four couples over holiday and was the only single one. My fault for going into that, but the alternative was staying home and doing... nothing.

I am dating at the moment, although little if anything ever seems to come of it. I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do/how I'm supposed to feel about the fact that I'm still young and eager for social contact but can't seem to find any in the people I hold most dear.

Lastly, it's hard for me not to feel resentment. Not that I act on it, I do my best to keep those kinds of negative feelings to myself. But a part of me does resent the fact that when my friends are single I'm always there for them to hang out with when they feel lonely and yet once they find a girlfriend, the script flips and I'm back to sitting on my ass wondering where all my friends went. I didn't think being young was supposed to be a time of solitude... But then here we are.

What can I do to feel more positive and confident while riding out uncertaintiy in "transitional" phases of my life?

Chrysalis — Mon, 25 May 2009 18:30:31 -0800

What can I do to feel more positive and confident while riding out uncertaintiy in "transitional" phases of my life? I'm in my mid 20s, and after a pretty traumatic breakup, have just moved back to my home town. I haven't lived here for 3 years, and while it's great to be back amongst my old friends and have a chance for a fresh start, it's also quite unsettling that I haven't got a long-established routine or a clear future plan now. I'm trying to use this as a time to reconsider what I want for my life (now that my plans with my partner won't be happening) and get in touch with who I really am etc... but I can't help feeling uneasy about the fact that nothing's really happening right now... I'm about to start studying, I've applied for a job, I'm keeping busy with training for my sport, but right at this moment there's nothing major that I'm passionately working on and towards, that I can pin all my hopes on (I realise this is unhealthy and almost definitely the cause of a lot of my unhappiness).

I've felt similarly before, and always just either stayed in an unhappy situation to avoid this happening and tried to "make it work", or jumped into a poor but distracting situation to avoid having to go through this. These situations have been both geographical, career or relationship situations, but my response so far has always been the same.

This time I want to stick it out and not just run away from it. I feel like this is my chance to become more authentically "me" and comfortable with that, and make better choices from that position, and hopefully end up being comfortable and reasonably happy day to day without it being pinned on some future awesomeness, but I keep being tempted to either run away (distract myself with things I don't really want or literally move overseas again) or hide in my room forever cos it's just too hard.

What can I do to face this time in a positive, constructive manner?

Succeeding on the dating scene - where does a woman get advice?

Anonymous — Fri, 22 May 2009 10:08:28 -0800

Succeeding on the dating scene - where does a woman get advice? I haven't been single since my teens, now mid-20s, don't know how to go about meeting men, getting dates etc! Total n00b to the dating scene, where can I learn what to do? All the PUA etc sites seem to be aimed at men, the women's "advice" I've seen seems to be for people who are already dating and wanting to turn something into a relationship...

Any advice you can share or point to appreciated.

Naive kid dating a single mom needs advice.

Kupo? — Thu, 14 May 2009 15:21:34 -0800

I'm 26, she's 28 with 3 kids. I need some advice about dating a single mom. I've been dating a wonderful girl long distance for just over 3 months now and I'm getting ready to move there within the next month. I'm comfortable with the relationship aspect, but she has 3 girls under 10 from a previous marriage and I feel totally unprepared for interacting with them. We've been seeing each other on the weekends every 2 weeks when her ex-husband has them so it hasn't been an issue, but being around on a day to day basis will surely change that.

I've been planning on making this move for the last couple years and met her while visiting friends, which is who I'll be living with, so I'm not moving in with her or anything. She hasn't said much about it other than that she has friends over all the time but that she wouldn't want to show any physical affection or allow me to spend the night when the kids were around. I have absolutely no problem with this. She seems to be a great mom and has a lot of help from her friends and family. The ex-husband pays child support and has the kids every other weekend. She says they don't really talk much anymore but that he's a really good father.

If it's not obvious, I'm pretty lost. I'm not even sure what details to provide that would be helpful for receiving advice. The fact that she has kids doesn't bother me, but I know that's partly because she's the most amazing person I've ever met. I think maybe I just don't know what I'm getting myself into. Any help (first hand advice from single moms, any other guys that have been in this situation) would be greatly appreciated.

Should I not be a serial monogamist with the one waiting in the wings?

Anonymous — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 22:05:15 -0800

Lesbian monogamy filter: I am really just a hopeless romantic no matter how hard I try not to be? Should I not move right on to the one waiting in the wings? I am a 30 year old lesbian (if that matters, but please, I'm interested in all perspectives) who just ended a 3 year long monogamous relationship. My former partner and I ended on largely good terms. We experienced "lesbian bed death" and it sort of devolved into a friendship.

Because we got together when I was relatively young, I sort of feel like i missed out on a lot of the fun of being young and single. Since always, I've pretty much gone from serious long term relationship to serious long term relationship. Being able to be single was a big part of wanting to end things for me. Also exploring relationships with men, possibly.

The thing is, I've also gotten involved with a good friend of mine. She's someone that I've known since college, and though I've always had something of a crush, I never knew it was reciprocated. Anyway, we were never single at the same time so it didn't really matter. She became single about a year ago and had been dating around, nothing too serious, and as my relationship with my ex wound to a close, we wound up becoming physically involved and this has continued on and off since the breakup, which occured about 3 months ago. FWIW, she is not a close friend of my ex.

We have both said that this is not a thing with relationship potential, just a fun physical thing to fill the gap. But because of our years of intense friendship, the sex and the relationship itself has become more and more intimate. We both say that we're dating other people and even talk women we both know as potential dates for each other, but this never seems to happen and when we do actually express real interest, we both feel jealous and sad, though controllably so.

I am becoming more and more passionate about this person, and I think she feels the same way about me. We're definitely experience pair-bonding. I keep thinking about our future together, about how maybe this was meant to be all along, about how I might be "in love" with her. The only stopping me from pursuing a relationship with her is my promise to myself NOT be a serial monogamous, to have fun, to date. Right now, though, I feel like any dating I did would just be perfunctory with the hopes of coming back to her. That being said, I do think that if I decided to let go of this thing that I could commit to it, get over her, and really start having fun, I could do it.

That being said, I am not totally aware of how she feels. Because of the way our sexual relationship started, we are both very guarded about our feelings, even though we say how much we love each other "as friends" all the time. I can't help but think that she, like me, is feeling ambivalent and also trying to protect herself from getting hurt. She is younger than me and seems just as invested in playing the field before getting into something serious. I also think that she is still getting over her last relationship.

We've both express interest, in the abstract sense, in the prospect of having an open relationship. But we also both recognize that even if we *said* we'd have an open relationship, it would probably not really be in practice.

If I "follow my heart" and we wind up together, am I going to regret it? Is it bad to lillypad like this? Should I make an effort to make single happen? How can I find out what she is thinking without making myself vulnerable?

Buy a house: Yes or No?

CPAGirl — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 14:14:17 -0800

Do I buy a house? I understand this may be an annoying question, but it's a big one, so I'm hoping to hear from people who've gone through this situation as well.

Situation: I'm early 20s, young professional (solid job), living in a great place I can see myself settling into, and certainly someplace I can see myself in for at least 5 years.

But I love to travel and definitely want to see some of the world, live in other cities, before I settle down.

With the tax credit for first-time homebuyers, this would be a great opportunity to build some equity. Costs would be about the same as renting an apartment and I have enough budget wiggle room to cover a minor catastrophe.

You never can tell what the future holds, so I'm not sure how long I'll stay or go for (if I just leave for a couple years, it can be rented or such (I have siblings in the area)), so I'm just not sure to pull the trigger or rent. Spending 40,000 renting for the next five years seems like a waste when 25% of the could be equity. I know it's risky to depend on real estate for future prosperity, so that's not even a given. I just don't want to miss out on a great opportunity.

Again, I know this question isn't exactly Mefi material, but any advice would be much appreciated.