Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with signals

How to Initiate "Operation: Disambiguate"

Anonymous — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:11:34 -0800

So, this dude has been sending me extremely mixed and just plain weird signals for awhile. I've decided to get to the bottom of this. Problem: I'm hella awkward. Help me start this conversation, MeFi! For the past two and a half months or so, I’ve had an odd relationship with this one special dude. For various reasons, we see each other a lot (I’m a queer guy in college, for context), and our interactions with each other have been oscillating between blasé casual friendship and hyper-engagement with me for multiple hours. At times, I could swear he was flirting with me, which I had taken as a fairly probable signal for romantic-sexual interest, as I rarely think anyone is flirting with me, even if they in fact are. However, the disconcerting disconnect between the two sets of moods—combined with my own passive nature—led me to be really confused as to whether I should try to pursue anything further. (Obviously, I’m very interested, or else I wouldn’t be making this post!) One night when we’re up late working, though, he mentions that he “may as well” talk to a boy who he later identifies as his boyfriend, who is abroad far, far away. Weird, I think, for him not to mention a boyfriend when we see each other regularly, but my thought is that I must surely have been reading things incorrectly, as, duh, he’s taken and probably not actually interested in me. “Well, that sucks!” I think, and go back to my collegiate life.

The weirdness (or, at least, my perceived weirdness) doesn’t cease, though. At one party, he makes a big deal out of talking about his boyfriend in the past tense for about five minutes, then half-heartedly corrects himself into the present. At another recent party he invited me to, he did this strange thing where he would come up to me, start talking for a bit, retreat to the corner (talking to nobody), and then coming back up and talking to me again before restarting the cycle. This was apparently so noticeable that my friends there all noticed it as well, coming up to me to offer their own statements of confusion while I stood there, boggled with a drink in my hand. More importantly, at a party I invited him to in turn he takes me aside at the end, and pulls out some small cultural artifacts from his trip abroad this last semester, and hands them to me as a gift. (I had referenced them in a really, really passing verbal communication that I can’t even recall the context of now.) “These are my last [artifacts from my abroad trip.] I wanted you to have them,” he says before his friends drag him home. Today, he barely acknowledges my presence. lolwhut?

WTF WTF WTF. I’m stumped—my friends are stumped—it’s very possible that God himself is stumped. I’m still feeling like I’m getting mixed—and just kinda strange—signals. Most importantly, all this nonsense I've been putting myself through with regards to trying to analyze each individual unit of information, change of mood, gesture, et cetera has been driving me nuts, and I’ve decided it’s time to finally break out of my typical passivity and have a conversation with him directly addressing some of the questions I have. I wish I had just come out in one of these previous situations and just recognized the elephant in the room, but the best I can do at this stage is address it as soon as possible, probably as soon as we get back from the Thanksgiving holiday. It’ll suck if the answer isn’t what I want, but at least I’ll have an answer that I can process and move the hell on from, rather than keeping my psyche in this constant, vigilant holding pattern. I’m pessimistic, but want a consolidated reality rather than a gazillion possible realities.

The Question, Restated: However, this is so out of my comfort realm that I have near-literally no clue of how to go about this. How do you begin this sort of conversation? An e-mail message… what do I say, how do I preface it? All I can think of is, "Hi, we need to talk," and that just sounds awful and confrontational.

And, say, I get him down talking (in-person's the only way to go for the actual discussion, I realize)… what are some acceptable ways to go about this? Especially if this somehow all ends up being from my end and not from his, I don’t want to make things totally awkward and awful for him. In my mind, I’m thinking something like: “Hi, [dude,] so for awhile now I feel as though I've been receiving some messages that you may be attracted to me, but at other times I have not. I don't mean to accuse you of doing one or the other, but I just wanted to know how you actually feel, so I can figure out what's going on.” Does this sound OK? Could I say anything better? Is that laying it on too heavy, or sounding too accusatory? My main interest, after all, is just figuring things out in a way that can be best for everyone's emotions involved—I don't want to deal in any nonsense about him "leading me on" if that's the case, I just want to disambiguate the situation and move on from there. Does anyone have any experiences with this sort of thing that they could share?

It's a big step for me, personally, to even think about having this kind of awkward conversation with someone, and I'd really appreciate the advice on how to go about doing it, because I'm determined to do it. Thanks so much, MeFi!

can girls get friend-zoned?

paperlanterns — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 16:06:05 -0800

I'm a girl. How to get out of the friend zone with a guy? I know, I know. All that ladder, friend zone stuff is kind of silly. But I don't have a better way to describe my dilemma. I am in my mid-20s, I don't know how to rate my attractiveness but I think I am okay. my interests range from having good discussions about politics and history to conversations about great books to being a completely girly-girl to talking about fashion, makeup, celebrity gossip to sports to blah blah blah... the point is i feel comfortable participating in conversations about lots of different topics.

i have noticed sometimes that guys that are, i guess, for lack of a better word, fairly desirable (i.e. they are good looking, well educated, etc) in the area i like tend to befriend me and seem to enjoy conversations with me on the phone and in person. i do not really initiate these conversations but i am happy to partake.

i feel like (and this has happened with a couple of guys) what happens though is that i am always there as "the girl who is so easy to talk to" but i am never the girlfriend. like, i get told "you're so much fun and so easy to talk to, i cant do this with alot of other girls" and we end up talking alot and (i am sure, subconsciously i start to get emotionally attached on the basis of long hours of phone conversations) - but i never am the girlfriend of these guys. i am always the girl whose the friend.

does any of this make sense? i am sorry i am not verbalizing this well. i mean, i have ended up talking to some of these people alot (them always initiating) in the quantity that a girlfiend-and-boyfriend would talk; OR about very deep and personal things.

i am not saying guys and girls cannot be just friends -- i am happy to be a good friend and i think i am. but i guess, after talking to a guy like this for awhile, sharing your hopes/dreams/thoughts, etc. i start to get emotionally attached and begin wishing i had more of a relationship that just being "one of the guys."

how do i get across the point that i am interested without scaring a guy like this away? i feel like if i am blunt and express my interest, he will say no (which is fine and i can go back to bein regular friends), but he may not want to be as close to me anymore b/c he may think he is sending mixed signals.

i feel like, sometimes, if he hasn't expressed his interest in me by now, he's not interested. but i guess it would be foolish then, of me, to keep giving myself emotionally in these conversations correct? i should dial down how much i talk to this person, right, if my needs aren't being met?

What's my next move, if any?

Anonymous — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 15:28:39 -0800

Guy is showing me all the signs, constantly contacting me and flirting with me. Then he disappears?? I have very little dating experience, so I need wisdom. I am in my mid-20s, and not very experienced at all in dating, so I would like to seek some advice.

A short time back, I ran into an old schoolmate of mine. We were never in the same classes, but I remembered him from an extracurricular activity we both used to do. I barely noticed him at the time, and I think it was the same for him. We were always polite to each other, but never talked alone - always in groups. Literally I think I can recall about 3 maximum group interactions with him.

Fast forward 3 years. I've taken some effort since then to invest in my appearance and I look somewhat attractive now. Ran into this guy at a coffee shop, we both talked for like 10 mins just catching up. Walked out not thinking any of it.

About a week later, I get an email from him wanting to hang out and meet up. This really caught me by surprise, but I went with it. Had a good time with him, and we were both definitely smiling alot, laughing.

The day onward, he proceeds to call me, text, email - everything - pretty much everyday. I was flattered and I took these things as a sign that he was very much interested in getting to know me. We hung out a couple more times during the next week, and it was clear (to me at least) that we had chemistry.

A few days later (with him keeping up the same pace - its been like this for about 1.5 weeks), nothing has really "happened" between us yet... and I am getting antsy. (this is where I think my lack of dating skills comes into play). It seems to me like he is not going to say anything about how much we've been talking, hanging out (which is ALL initiated by him). I tell him I would like to know what's going on and where's this going--is this friendship or are we romantically interested in each other?

I thought that was a fair question. I tend to get really emotionally attached, and I was not in the mood to be in a relationship where we hang out like this ad nauseum with no idea if this is friendship or something more b/c he won't say anything. I am not looking for something serious, but yes, I do want to date him.

So he responds by saying he thinks I am attractive and likes hanging out with me. He also doesn't want anything serious and wants to just date, take it slow. I agree and say the same, but I told him I am really interested in dating (again NOT a relationship at this point in time). If this is just going to be friendship, then Iwould prefer we hang out less. (we were seeing each other like every other night, again, initiated by him). There was some light physical interaction after that, not really anything.

But since that night, we've talked on the phone once, when I called him. He then proceeded to tell me that since we are both busy, he will call me in a few weeks and maybe we can revisit the issue about us then.

WTF? Is this guy a jerk? Was I wrong for saying something? Is he just not interested anymore? I feel like I am not going to make myself look desparate, so I haven't contacted him beyond that phone call where he said "he would contact me in a few weeks."

I am just kind of annoyed though because I have no idea what just happened. I find him physically attractive and would like to date him. I made this clear by my words, I thought he was making this clear by his actions. But all of a sudden... he's gone?

Lost cause? If not, what should I do on my end to rekindle his interest in me? I feel so lame for writing that!

I find it hard to maintain friendships with women

Anonymous — Sat, 03 May 2008 10:34:30 -0800

I find it hard to maintain friendships with women. What's up with me? I'm a 23 year old woman and throughout college and high school, I've had only one or two female friends, but have had lots of male friends. For some reason, I just don't get along with women. I get uncomfortable around the women in my life who could potentially be my friends and all our interactions become very formal and I become lost for words because I can't seem to relax. I don't like a lot of the things that most of the women I've encountered enjoy--I do know a small handful of women my age who like the same geeky, traditionally "boys-club" sorts of activities as I, but for some reason, we just never connect. It's like there is a communication mismatch and I just can't understand the social signals sent by women, versus those sent by men. I have no problem maintaining long-lasting, fun and fulfilling friendships with men.

I consider myself a feminist, so this inability to connect with women is disconcerting for me. I don't think I'm accidentally sabotaging potential friendships with women based on gender stereotypes or other sexist ideas, because after all, we are all people in the end, not a sum of our genitals. I have a few casual female friends and I'd love to eventually have that BFF friendship with them like I did back when I was on the playground. I feel like I'm missing out on a lot by not having many women in my life. Can anyone share an experience with this or help to pinpoint why I might be having this problem?

How to handle pushy former flame?

Anonymous — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 06:03:13 -0800

Do I stay or do I go? A former flame wants to be a friend, and I'm honestly at wit's end about what to do. [long explanation] Backstory: Two years ago, we met, clicked, started hanging out, and then went on a couple dates. At one point, I finally kiss him. He freaks out, tells me things are complicated with him, and then disappears for 2 years. We reconnect out of the blue last year. He apologizes for running and offers a good explanation (a year of hell before we met, including a broken engagement, health problems, family issues, etc.). We began dating, but I was dealing with some issues of my own at the time and got nervous as things progressed between us. He noticed my discomfort and suggested we stop dating so I could focus on getting better, telling me he wanted me in his life no matter what, and reassuring me that he wasn't going anywhere (he was very busy with work and noted he probably wasn't going to be actively dating because of it). He offered no guarantees, but if the timing worked out when I was feeling better, said maybe we could try again. He was pretty busy then so we continued to infrequently hang out as friends, though we were both still giving pretty clear signals of being into one and other.

Three months later, I said I was ready to try dating again and got an initial "I'm not sure," followed up with a "I care for you very much, but the age difference makes me too uncomfortable," [he's 34 to my 24 and yes, this is something that has actively bothered him in the past for reasons that he hasn't been able to explain], "I won't be able to open up to you until you've had more good relationship experience," [I am admittedly quite inexperienced in both dating and sex, all so far bad], "the timing for us is bad; not now, maybe later," and we should plan on seeing other people in the future. His delivery was poor and I was upset; I didn't speak to him for awhile. We patched things up a month later but kept things limited to email for another month (until the beginning of April). When I finally offhand mentioned buying him a drink for something, he was surprisingly eager to get together in a way that left me not knowing what to expect. Over drinks, he casually mentioned that he'd started seeing someone else two hours away away (whom I later found out was likely not much older than me, ie a year or two). I played off the "Are you going to slap me?" comment he threw out after that, but it hurt to hear, especially because he didn't think it might hurt my feelings.

Now this guy persistently wants us to be friends. But lately, talking him is just hearing all about the good stuff going on in his life, with very little prodding from him about what I'm up to. I've always been pretty supportive of his career pursuits (I'm bit further along in a similar field), but now I almost feel like he's cultivating me networking contact. He's definitely planning around having me there as a resource over the next few months, without offering much support in kind. In the meantime, while I have some fun seeing him, I also find myself missing the guy I used to really enjoy hanging out with: the one who lost track of time talking with me until 2 am, who walked me home at night just to make sure I got there safely, and was more supportive/inquisitive about my life. Since we've stopped dating, that filter that stopped him from saying careless things that I'm sensitive to (for instance: a health issue) just isn't there anymore, though to his credit, he apologizes when I neutrally bring up that he's hurt my feelings. Honestly, I can't tell if this means he's self-absorbed or if I'm being oversensitive. He hasn't always been this way when we weren't dating, but I think this is the first time we've been hanging out when he hasn't been romantically interested in me.

I care for him and admire him a lot, so it's hard to just cut the guy out of my life (and our particular career paths mean we're going to be bumping into one and other in the future anyway). But I can't keep hanging out with him without raising the issue of how one-sided our friendship feels to me these days, and I don't think he'll get it. I also can't stand the thought of being there to watch things working out with his new girlfriend - or the thought of becoming the "second runner up" if they stop seeing one and other. I know I deserve better than that. He periodically raises my mental question of "Just what the hell is going on in this guy's head?" and I'm finally starting to run low on patience.

If you've gotten to this point, thanks for reading. What do I do, hive mind? Give myself some space for now? Just cut him out completely? Or do I to suck it up and make this friendship work right now? I really do want the guy that I met as a friend and want to be supportive over the next few months, but it's honestly painful and exhausting right now - I have no idea what would make it better. Or maybe I just need a bunch of people to yell at me for being too patient with this guy after reading all of this; my advising friends are mostly biased, not knowing him personally and still stuck on the 2-years-gone part and steadfastly disliking him to begin with, even after his apology. And I'm just so inexperienced with this kind of stuff that I think it's clear that I'm unsure of myself and how to handle things.

throwaway email, by the way: zutalors@sneakemail.com

Help me figure out what is on this guy's mind who has been sending me conflicting signals since last year.

Ria — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 08:33:31 -0800

This guy has been sending me confusing signals since last year. He makes plans with me but never follows up on them. I had told him clearly early on that I was interested in him but he never went ahead with me at that time. And now, when I am not interested in him, certainly not as interested in him as I was last year, he is still pursuing me ----or so I think. There is a guy at my school (X) who has been interested in me since last year. I too was interested in him, initially, but he told me that he was not interested in a serious relationship with me at that time. He said that he had just got out of a long-term relationship and that he needed some time off before he got into another one. However, he said, he was attracted to me and would like a casual relationship with me. ( Well all this came out over a period of time and very gradually-- he was very reluctant to reveal it initially) At that time, I was completely against the idea of a casual relationship—in fact the very idea of a casual relationship was new to me, and, therefore, I told him that while I did like him, I was not interested in having a casual relationship with him.

However, he kept pursuing me in his own way ( by that, I mean, never directly but would just come to talk to me at various times and talk in a way which implied that something is going on) and try to convince me to get into a casual relationship with him. At that time, I was still trying to get over him and I think, at times, I also tried to persuade him to get into a serious relationship. This went on for around a month and later on I decided that I would give this casual relationship a try. I thought that I would go on a date with him and see where things go from there. So on the last day of the Spring semester, I sent him an email asking him if he would like to go for dinner with me. He responded a couple of days later saying that he would very much like to do so, but that he had friends in town for the next couple of weeks and therefore he could not go for dinner until they left.

So I thought that he would contact me in the next 15 days to make dinner plans but he never did. During the entire summer vacation, he did not contact me at all. I figured that he was not interested in me anymore.

When I met him again in Fall semester, I decided to maintain a distance from him but, to my surprise, he would come to talk to me all the time. He would flirt with me and a couple of times he even suggested that he and I would go for a movie, but, again, as before , he never made any concrete plans. ( I asked him why he did not follow up on our dinner plans and he said that he was very busy with work during the vacation) In the meantime, I met another guy ( Y) and decided to date him. I initially hid it from people in school, partly because I was not sure if I was serious enough about Y and partly because I still wanted to come across as available to X. I told Y everything about X. However, when I figured that X would never go ahead with me, I decided to tell everyone at school that I was in a relationship. ( Well, it also began to dawn on me that X and I were incompatible because he was never direct and straightforward with me.) This happened towards the end of Fall semester last year.

After winter break, when I met X again at school this Spring, he told me that he had heard I am dating a guy. And I told him that he had heard right. Yet, he continued to be overtly friendly with me and would offer to give me a ride home in his car.( He and I live in the same neighbourhood.) I would refuse initially but, once, I genuinely needed a ride ( Or so I think, it seems to me that sometimes our true motives are not entirely transparent to us) so I requested him to ride me home. He readily agreed and, on the way, I somehow revealed that I was in a polyamourous relationship with my boyfriend. But at the same time, I also told him in the course of our conversation that I was not interested in him anymore. This was just before Spring break. ( Well Y thinks that telling X about polyamoury was a bad idea because that is going to make him try even more.)

Yesterday again, he offered to give me a ride home. This time he was with his friends( some guys in school whom I know too) and one of his friends also insisted that I go with them. And so I agreed.

My question is: What is exactly on this guy's mind?

I think I am pretty clear about what is on my mind. I enjoy his company ( he is funny, witty, and friendly, not to mention, quite good looking) but lately I have come to see some flaws in him.( Doesn't have any future plans, is superficial at times, disorganized, and is basically just not serious about life.) I think I would like to hang out with him but I do not think I am interested in him---certainly not as interested in him as I was last year.

What are these things for?

aerotive — Wed, 21 Feb 2007 22:32:20 -0800

Why do the traffic signals at a particular intersection have light-blocking louvers on them? These traffic lights were installed about six months ago. There are two lights in quick succession, then an overpass, then two more lights. The first set of lights is about 30 to 40 yards apart, the same distance for the second set.

These louvers, or slats or whatever , prevent the light from being seen until you are very near the first signal in the set--then the light becomes visible quite abruptly. The slats are not effective at night, though they dim the light somewhat.

What is the purpose of these slats? Why would you want to make a traffic signal less visible?

No idea if this is relevant, but the replacement lights with these louvers are LED-based. The previous ones were old-style lights and none of the signals had these louvers.

Is my GF trying to tell me something?

Anonymous — Wed, 08 Mar 2006 05:51:43 -0800

SuspicionFilter: Is my girlfriend sending me signals? For the past few days my gf has been telling me about how afraid she is of going to her doctor for her regular exam. She has also been telling me about her recent problems with frequent and urgent urination. Just tonight she made me do a google search for frequent urination and insisted that she knew it wasn't a bladder infection. Am I crazy or is she trying to tell me something?

Need someone to help me run 'Google Translate' on a woman ...

Anonymous — Thu, 02 Feb 2006 17:04:02 -0800

I'm a man in his thirties who has gone on very few dates in his life, and I'm having trouble getting a good read on the behavior of a woman who I've been interacting with. She is someone who works at my company, although she and I are in entirely different departments, and neither of us are managerial staff or in a position where one of us would be a supervisory role to another. (Please, no comments about interoffice dating. I'm being cautious, but given that we work nowhere near each other, don't interact with each other almost at all in our jobs, and our office's sexual harrassment policy is fairly progressive about the concept of employees dating, I think I'm fine.)

I had asked her if she would like to grab lunch one day, and she said she would; we grabbed Italian at a place down the street. During our first lunch, I admitted I wasn't entirely clear whether we were on a date or enjoying lunch as friends; she indicated that she was seeing someone (only since the end of December, though), but didn't mention who, only saying that he too worked at our company. However, later in the meal, she said that a meeting of the minds was sexy, and at that point, we had been jazzing back and forth on different conversational topics and mutually enjoyed tastes for quite some time. ("Oh, you should check out ... ")

We have had numerous great conversations since then. Her eyes seem to light up when we run into each other -- that's definitely something I'm picking up on, it's not just me imagining it. We're introducing each other to our respective tastes, and we seem to have an insane amount of things in common.

And she's definitely taken steps to incorporate me into her life.

Yesterday, she came up to visit me at my desk and drop off a DVD of a comedian we had discussed and she thought I might like.

Tonight, we're grabbing dinner, then visiting a comic book store (she is a fan, as am I), then seeing a friend of mine perform stand-up.

What I find an especially mixed signal is that this Saturday, she invited me to dinner at a friend's house out of town -- but, noteworthily, I'm accompanying her to this meal at her friend's house and her friend is married, so it's me, her, her friend, and her friend's husband. In the resulting quartet, I'm sort of the male companion to her in that role. You see how that last one could definitely throw my "what the heck?" filter for a loop?

Rereading this before posting, I fully understand that all of these signals could be read textually as expressing simply an interest in her in cultivating a good friendship.

But, I really think that were you to have interacted with her face-to-face, you'd see these signals are falling in a gray area, and I don't think it's smart to read this simply in blacks and whites. If I've not given you enough data (which I don't think I have), what might I look for in her face, her behavior, etc. to give me some better feedback?

In my early twenties, about ten years ago, I let myself fall for a woman who brought me deeply close as a friend but didn't reciprocate my feelings. I'm really quite scared of opening myself up that deeply again, but at the same time, I don't want to misread signals that might be indicating an actual romantic interest in me.

Also, frankly, she's special enough, and shares enough of my interests, that I'd like to keep her in my life as a friend even if there truly is no romantic interest in me. I just need some help parsing out the signals, trying to get a clear read on this situation. Ladies, I tell ya, you sure can be difficult to figure out at times!

[Parenthetically, I've also heard that some women, as a strategic "tactic" of sorts, claim initially to be dating someone, and then, after they've determined they like the guy, "break up" with the boyfriend (who never existed in the first place). I don't know for certain that's what's happening here, but I wonder.]

I'm picking up radio stations on my guitar amp, how do I correct this?

Mars Saxman — Wed, 04 Feb 2004 09:10:03 -0800

I've just moved to a new apartment and now I can hear a radio station playing through my guitar amp. How do I correct this? I'm playing an SG, which uses humbucking pickups. The amp is solid-state, not tube-driven. The apartment was built in the teens and the wiring pretty much sucks. The amp is plugged into the only grounded outlet in the unit. The signal I hear is always the same station - NPR - and changing the amplifier's level or EQ controls has no effect on the sound. The apartment is located on Capitol Hill in Seattle, and there are radio transmitters nearby.

I can't just live with it and play louder to drown it out, because I have a home studio and I record through this amp. I've looked on the web but don't really know what I'm searching for. I've gotten completely different answers from different people: everything from "buy a power conditioner" to "stick a toroidal magnet on the power cord". I'm looking for two pieces of information: a technical explanation for the phenomenon and instructions for correcting it. Thanks!