Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with siblings

Purchasing a home from your own family trust?

Tullyogallaghan — Thu, 22 May 2008 08:30:00 -0800

Can a person purchase a home from her own family trust? Problem: my friend's dad died a few months ago and left his estate plus the family home in a trust set up for his 3 adult kids. My friend and her sister want to buy the house from the family estate (their brother is against this and wants to sell it "as is" on the open market) but they are running into a problem as their lawyer and others say you can't buy a house from "yourself." Can this be true? We live in Illinois. Thank you.

My brothers and I are thinking about purchasing a house together. Good idea?

melodykramer — Wed, 14 May 2008 22:46:26 -0800

Have any of you (as adults) purchased a communal house to share with your siblings? Any tidbits of information? Wise words of wisdom? My brothers and I would like to buy a house and convert it into separate living arrangements for each of us, with a communal kitchen and living room area. (3 people total)

We would be doing this mainly because it's more affordable. We all get along and are very close in age.

Naturally, we want to make sure that if we do this, we don't screw up. We're interested in hearing from other siblings who have lived together in adult life.

I'm my mother's favorite. Now what?

GardnerDB — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 13:04:24 -0800

My mother recently told me I'm her favorite child. How can I deal with the guilt? I "came out" to my mother recently and she was devastated. She was hysterical for hours and made many coherent, semi-coherent, and incoherent comments while tears streamed down her face. One of the things she said was that she was especially disappointed by my revelation because I am her favorite child (she has 4).

I have spent a lifetime (26 years) trying to convince my siblings that I'm not our mother's favorite child--and I really did believe I wasn't her favorite. She didn't treat me any better than her other children. The two of us have a similar sense of humor and our personalities are very similar, so we get along very well. But now I feel incredibly guilty. Not because I disappointed my mother, but because my siblings were right all these years. I feel like it's not appropriate for my mother to have a favorite child.

What can I do to help me deal with the guilt I'm experiencing? Is it normal for a parent to have a favorite child?

Why would siblings who don't know they're siblings be attracted to each other?

AmbroseChapel — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 15:30:08 -0800

Why would siblings who don't know they're siblings be attracted to each other? There's been a lot of publicity about the marriage of a twin brother and sister who were adopted and didn't know about each other. They met as adults and felt, according to the article, an "inevitable" attraction.

Drew thinks this particular story was made up by the way, to get a bill passed in the UK parliament.

So, what's going on in the human brain (and why did the CNN writer just put "inevitable" without feeling they have to explain)?

Being attracted to people like ourselves is good? But not if we're too alike? And something about being brought up together hits a kind of kill-switch on being attracted to brothers and sisters? We don't automatically recognise our own genes and rule that person out as a mate?

Making sure my dad has a working phone

goofyfoot — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 18:46:53 -0800

Short version: do I just buy a phone and press it on my increasingly reclusive, phoneless, living-alone but working, 71-year-old father? Longer: Pop has no way of calling anyone from his apartment should he need to do so. This is in keeping with his evermore hermetic inclinations: he gave up his computer, then his business cell phone (this doesn't seem to be a problem with his current employer), then his landline. He won't even check e-mail now. I think he should have a phone, given his age and the fact that he lives alone; my brother seems to think no one has a right to force him to communicate.

Has anyone been in this position? I want to give Pop an easy-to-use cell phone and take care of the bills for it. I'd have to thrust it into his hands ( or gently introduce it to him) at my brother's on Christmas Eve, which is when I'll next see him; but it's possible this will lead to an argument or a chilling or relations between brother, me, Pop, and my brother's wife, who thinks as I do.

All You Need Is Blood...Blood Is All You Need?

duckierose — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 10:48:07 -0800

[family squabble filter]: My brother is convinced that a human could survive by consuming nothing but blood from other humans. I want to prove him wrong without actually testing his theory. My brother and I tend to argue. A lot. And I tend to be right. Once he was convinced he had disproved the Monty Hall Problem in five minutes, because "it had to be 50%."

Anyway, his current hypothesis is that a human being could survive by consuming nothing but human blood. He thinks that since blood carries all the important things a body needs to survive throughout the body, then it must contain every thing the body needs. So, according to him, all the nutrients, vitamins, etc, a body would need could be found in blood.

I know he's wrong, but my scientific knowledge is limited to playing with corn starch and water. So, I don't have the skills needed to, once again, prove him wrong.

So, I ask of you: is there anything a human would need to survive that could not be acquired by drinking blood? Alternatively, is there anything you could overdose on if you were to consume nothing but blood? Or is my brother, for once, correct?

I don't want your money, but don't give it to her.

Xere — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 17:08:52 -0800

My uncle recently sent me some money through my sister. And just as she always has done, she's frittered it away and I'll never see a cent of it. I don't really care because I'm used to it, and I don't care for the money either. But how can I warn my uncle without giving off a "Give me more money" message? The tricky part is that my uncle's siblings have always been pressuring him for this and that and money. To the point that he finally decided to move several states away. I've always tried not to be like them, but he does offer money sometimes - and I've always turned it down when possible. Exceptions: the Take-It-No-You-Take-It battles I've lost, and money he passes to me through relatives.

The best way I can think of telling him is somewhere along the lines of: "Grandma told me you sent me some money to me through my sister, a while ago. I really don't need any of it and don't care for any of it, but don't send anything through my sister - she'll take it." And to him, so used to the subtleties of money-grabbing, that may come off as "I didn't get any of the money, please re-send."

And why don't I want my sister getting the money? I don't want her to pinch my uncle for more money than she already does. I'm guessing that she may (if she hasn't already) use the "Xere asked for money, I'll pass it to her" excuse.

MeFi experts, please suggest to me a way to handle this with grace and proper etiquette.

marsha, jan, cindy?

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 17:07:34 -0800

How can I deal with my resentment towards my two older sisters (preferably without confronting them)? (long) I recently moved to a new city, and am for the first time living without being driving distance to family. The change is wonderful, but less get-togethers is uncovering resentment that I've had built up for a long time. I find myself angry, pissed off, and unwilling to put up with "more of the same" from my sisters.

A long time ago, my mom died. I was 10. My sisters were older (High School & college). While I know it affected us in different ways and there's no great age to go through such loss, I've been feeling angry about the lack of their involvement in those formative years. I remember when my older sisters got their period for the first time - my mom took them out to lunch, bought them flowers, and made a mother/daughter day of it. The only thing that was said to me was "the pads are in the cabinet under the sink." I wore old hand-me-down bra's with holes in them for years, used toilet paper for pads for 2 years when they were away at school. I sort of wish they had been more thoughtful in checking up on me, and am realizing that this had a profound effect on my bodily insecurities. When I asked them for help, they were busy. It was always "later" (usually, never) - and had been frequently told that I was a brat, too much of a tag along - the annoying little sister. We had no aunts that we were not estranged from, and they were pretty much my main female influence after our mom died.

As an adult, and entirely on my own, I'm learning to feel wonderful about the person I am, and learning to be ok with the woman that I am. But I still, frequently, feel frustrated and increasingly angry with the way my sisters treat me and general lack of support. I feel a lot of judgement, things told in confidence to them were not kept confidential, broken promises in willing to help with something or be there, and increasing lectures about what they think is good for me.

Most recently, it's come to my attention that they've been discussing me behind my back. The thing that set me off recently was their discussion of my weight and how to approach me about it (am about 25 lbs overweight... this is not a recent gain). Now I know my body far better than them, my diet, my exercise routine and health, and while I'd like to be skinny, I've been exhausted by body issues for most of my life and just want to be healthy - which I am - god forbid at 25 lbs overweight. Learning to speak up more, I told them I did not appreciate discussions about about my body behind my back - and to please address their concerns to me directly.

The response by one of my sisters was that I am stubborn, am selfish moving so far away, and that I have "always been like this." What I think she meant is that she believes I never want their help. My take, is that I do want their help, but it cannot only be on their terms/time; and that they confuse imposition for help.

My frustration and anger is bringing back a lot of resentment about their lack of involvement during those formative years. This is not to say that they haven't had difficulty from losing our mom, too. They are now both parents themselves, and I'm certain they experience a lot of sadness in learning how to mother without having our mom present.

I have never discussed my resentment with them, nor my anger with their lack of confidentiality when I opened up about a couple of things. I've generally shoved it under the carpet, only to have a can of worms open suddenly since I moved away. And I am pissed off at them. And I think this is at least partly due to my own fault, for failing to address things as they come.

But I am angry. I don't trust them. When I try to explain why, it's told that I'm being mean to them. And I'm not sure what words to use to be more articulate so that I don't come across as "mean."

I do have a brother, and have a good, trustworthy relationship with him. He is flaky, but most of the time he keeps to his word and I can depend on him (and he can depend on me).

Besides therapy (expensive), how can I deal with resentment towards my sisters? How have you dealt with family resentment? Talking to them doesn't seem to help. There are always interruptions, with their kids and things. I get that they have their own lives with kids/husband/etc, but don't we all in different facets of life? Sometimes it seems they forget they have a sister (this probably sounds really selfish).

Should I give up on having a friendship with them? I'm sort of envious of people who are actually friends with their siblings. Are you friends with your siblings, or are they more people with whom you are related to and share some similar experiences? I would definitely not count my sisters as friends. I would count my brother as a friend.

Is letting out my anger/sadness the only cure? How long will that take?

How to leave large sums of money to a drug addict?

Anonymous — Tue, 06 Feb 2007 10:23:01 -0800

Leaving Money to Drug Addicts Filter: My parents have re-written their will, which leaves all of their assets equally to myself and my step-brother. Considering that my step-brother is a drug addict (we also believe that he is a dealer, though he has yet to be arrested as such, so we don't know for sure), this becomes very complicated. The way that the will works now is that if one parent is still alive, they will receive all assets from the estate. However, once both of them die, their combined assets are to be distributed between my brother and myself. The will is set up so that I, as the older sibling, am entrusted with distributing the wealth (so to speak) to my brother.

Now, I don't want to keep him from getting anything that is rightfully his. Our relationship has certainly been shaky, and I would certainly never give him anything that had belonged to my mother, but as far as his father's possessions (Yeah, my mother married his dad, for a little background), I have no problem with giving him any and all of those. As far as any monetary assets are concerned, I would be happy to divide the wealth equally between the two of us.

However, I don't think a large windfall would do him good. He's been using drugs since age 9 and had his first stint in rehab (State mandated after an arrest for assault and battery) at 17. He's currently homeless and wandering the country, yet conveniently keeps coming up with large sums of money at odd times - leading us to suspect that in addition to using drugs, he has probably at least occasionally been dealing them. He showed up back at my parents' doorstep last summer and they tried to get him some help, but it didn't take.

The reason I'm asking this question now, while my parents are still alive and well, is that they and I all want to be sure that while he is taken care of, he would not be able to use their inheritance to blow through a large amount of drugs in a short period of time.

Talking about this situation with a friend of mine, she suggested a trust wherein my brother would be able to be reimbursed for any and all legitimate expenses - is this sort of thing possible? Are there any other options where he can get money in small increments or just with the stipulation that it has to be for some pre-approved use (rent/food/hookers/anything-that's-not-snorted-through-his-nose, etc)? What sort of legal options exist for leaving potentially large sums of money (by the time all is said and done, it will be in the hundreds of thousands) to the completely irresponsible?

If you would prefer to contact me outside this post, the email is money4druggies@gmail.com.

How can I help my underachieving older brother?

Anonymous — Mon, 10 Jul 2006 05:32:25 -0800

How can I help my underachieving older brother? My older brother is in his early-to-mid twenties and a big underachiever. He's not doing anything productive with his life now -- he doesn't work; he just lives off my parents' money.

He was a child prodigy until he started rebelling in his early teens. Nowadays he doesn't rebel or use drugs anymore, but is not doing anything constructive, professionally or socially. He spends all his time in his apartment with his arcane intellectual hobbies. He also has kept the same stagnant, dysfunctional friendships for a long time. This behavior seems to result from some combination of low self esteem and lack of motivation.

I've tried my best to be a positive influence, and have on multiple occasions attempted to inspire him with motivational speeches about what he could do with his life. He acts interested, but the next day is back where he was before.

I really care for him but am discouraged that all my attempts to help him so far have been futile.

Any ideas on what I could do, or on who would be able to help in this situation?

The world's first Brother Sister Blog Team?

travosaurus — Tue, 07 Mar 2006 13:56:52 -0800

Are my sister and I the world's first "Brother Sister Blog Team" or has it been done before? Personally, I haven't been able to find any. My sister and I are starting a topical blog in the next week or so. Do you any of you know of other sibling blog teams, or do we get bragging rights of some kind?

By the way, this blog has nothing to do with being brother and sister, nor our personal lives.

How to move parents to a retirement community?

jamie939 — Sat, 17 Dec 2005 10:54:27 -0800

How can I convince my parents to move to a retirement community? I visited my mom and dad these last few days and I think it's time for them to move to a retirement community. They live about 20 miles from a hospital and doctors visits, which they do a lot of, and specialists are 50 miles away and my mother is very nervous about driving and my father can't drive at all anymore. My father had a mild stroke last year and is on oxygen 24 hours a day. The house is beginning to fall into disrepair. It's not too bad but they are unable to care for a 10 acre farm like they once could. But I can tell in another year or so things will get out of hand.

I live 5 hours away by car and have other siblings who have the same driving distance. The closest sister is 2 hours away. So it's not always easy to get to them and help out as much as I would like.

My mother brought up the idea but my father will have no discussion about it. There are several nice ones in the town that is 20 miles away. Anyone dealt with this? Any suggestions?

Release my sippee cup NOW, or you die, Sister!

brheavy — Wed, 14 Dec 2005 14:39:16 -0800

Advice for how to stop a 2.5 year old boy from annihilating his 1 year old sister. My son, whom I’ve recently nicknamed “unnecessary roughness”, cannot resist pushing, pulling, smacking, or kicking his sister, who is now mobile enough to always find him, but never fast enough to get away.

Violence ensues when she touches his toys, or has anything interesting in her hands. Other factors that could precipitate an incident include her merely looking at him, or her toddling in a direction that may take her within several feet of his stuff.

My son is generally very sweet, calm, and other than with his sister, rarely impulsive. Some other background info: my wife stays at home with both kids during the day and she keeps them busy with both indoor and outdoor activities, and ever since she was born last year, we've given him plenty of attention, hoping that he would take a liking to her and not see her as a threat. Our household is rather calm and definitely not abusive, and I cannot think of any environmental stressor or bad examples in his life that might be influencing him, television or otherwise. He does have contact with other kids his age, mostly cousins, and lately I have noticed that he gets rather aggressive with even the older ones. One cousin in particular (aged 2), used to smack him, but now my son seems more dominant. Could slaps and scuffles from this particular cousin a year ago have formed such a strong impression that now he has become this two-and-a-half year old WWF wannabe?

When it happens, which is daily if not hourly, he will get this look of fury on his face, and then he just snaps. We’ve tried timeouts, spanking, forfeiture of favorite toys, and varied attempts at verbal reasoning, but they just do not work. He’ll say “I will NOT do it again,” but then he does do it again – sometimes immediately. His maternal Grandparents tell us that they had a nephew who had a similar temperament, so perhaps it’s a biological trait. (That nephew just so happens to be the single most competitive individual I have ever met.)

Certainly within a year or so, his sister will be able to fight back, and, I suppose, he may just grow out of it. In the mean time, I am interested to hear if any of you have had similar experiences with children and siblings, and more importantly, have you had any success in dealing with this sort of insanity? Please, anything at all.

Desperately trying to find a forgotten book.

kayjay — Sun, 27 Nov 2005 21:25:02 -0800

I'm trying to find a book that I read when I was in grade school, sometime during the mid to late 80's. The basic plot involved a girl scaring her impressionable young step(?) brother by pretending to go into trances and make predictions. IIRC, she was somewhat of an outcast at school, but had recently been cast in the school play as a colonial witch (Tituba perhaps?). I think there may have also been some references in the book to the Sybills of ancient Greece (hence the trances). Is this ringing any bells? I've tried Googling every combination of words that I can think of without success. I also tried calling ready reference in Milwaukee, as that was the library system from which I had gotten the book. I know it was a book aimed at maybe 3rd through 6th graders. It's kind of frustrating to me that the details that I can remember are so sketchy and vague. For example, I remember her step-mother lending her a shawl to wear in the play. I remember that when she first pretended to be in a trance, she was doing it as a joke on her step-brother who was bothering her, but that he took it very seriously and believed it. I remember that he was sort of delicate. However, things like the title and author or even what the cover looked like have escaped me. I'd really love to find it again if anyone else recognizes this.

Advice on 5 year old's behavioral issues?

Anonymous — Thu, 01 Sep 2005 18:13:53 -0800

Advice wanted on how to use a carrot (instead of a stick) to reduce a bunch of very frustrating behavioral issues with our 5 year old... We're having some very frustrating behavior issues with our 5 year old that mostly center around his 20 month old brother. Our main problems are: stating repeatedly that he hates his brother, stating that he hates us, sneaky rough play with his brother, and (curiously) total total total meltdowns at teeth-brushing time.

We realize that a lot of this has to do with having to share his parents more than ever before, as the younger one becomes more capable/destructive. and we've been trying to make time for more one-on-one time with the older one, but we're still seing LOTS of these hassles and tantrums.

Has anyone had any luck with "incentive programs", where say, daily good behavior on certain issues earns a sticker to put on a chart, and when the chart is filled, the child can choose a new toy or book? (Chapter books are a big carrot for this guy.)

Or is this just missing the problem? We'd definitely like some sort of carrot, instead of a stick, for dealing with this stuff.

sibling relationships

stupidsexyFlanders — Thu, 17 Feb 2005 13:07:35 -0800

If you have siblings, do you think there's anything your parents did or didn't do that had a big effect on how you relate to your sib(s) today? My kids' futures hinge on your answer. (probably not, but there's always an outside chance)

Question number 7537

tristeza — Wed, 26 May 2004 15:25:12 -0800

Was your toddler present at the birth of his or her sibling(s)?