Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with siblings

Oh brother, where art thou?

Anonymous — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 18:35:53 -0800

I am estranged from my brother for a lot of different reasons. I want to have a relationship with him, but I only can do that if I do it 100% on his terms, which I simply cannot do (not religious and getting more anti-religious by the day). Should I continue to make the effort in the hopes of breaking through to him or just live my life without my only sibling? My brother and I have been estranged practically since birth. He was five years old when I (baby sister) was born and instantly disliked my presense and has resented my being born ever since. When my parents got a divorce, he chose to stay with my stepfather (his bio father). I went with my mother and we all still visited frequently (tho still feeling quite the chill from my brother) and were "family". A very small family, with few other relatives.

My brother joined the military and served in Desert Storm, and when he came back, he spent a fair amount of time drinking and going to the local strip club. The absolute ONLY time my brother and I have ever bonded was ONE night when I was about 19, he came back from a night of mild debauchery and sat on my bed and told me some cool stories about his service and what he'd been up to that night. That is literally the only time I have ever had a sincere positive interaction with him, and I turn it over in my mind and savor it.

After the military, my brother joined a fairly prominant religious group and met his wife, who is the daughter of a bishop. I whole heartedly was for the marriage, and was happy my bro had found someone to love and who loved him. When my parents weren't invited to the wedding, we (Mom, Dad and I) were upset, but were informed that it was just the way it is, and so time went on. (I will admit, I was peeved as hell, our Dad, his bio father, was elderly and it was his only son's only wedding). He also physically abused our elderly Dad one night in a fit of rage, hitting him over the head with an aluminum frying pan (not making that up).

Some more time passed and some more stuff happened wherein our mother (and I, but I'm totally used to it) was treated really, really poorly by my religious-family-oriented brother and his wife. After my Dad died, she(Mom) went to live with my bro & wife for a while far, far away, and they basically gave her the bums rush and moved one day while she was out and left no forwarding address and changed their phone number. She was left to fend for herself (capable of this in a small town, not a big city) and had to go to the homeless shelter and was harrassed and all sorts of scary stuff for an elderly-ish person. When confronted with his actions towards our mother, he said she was messy and had thrown fits (messy yes, fit thrower? Pot-kettle)

I got my Mom back and situated (suicidal and angry and hurt, but situated) in a smaller community, and life goes on again.

I had a period of time where I felt really angry toward his religion, as I saw that as the wedge that came between my brother and I ever having anything at all, because I am a sinner of the worst kind (I smoke pot and fornicated before marriage, and lots of other things he thinks are sins) and he just doesn't think I am good. During this time, I did a shit-ton of research on his religion and wrote a really scathing critique of it, and in a moment of stupidity, hit send. My brother wrote back that he KNEW his religion was right, he KNEW the guy that made it up was truthful and righteous, he KNEW. He then told me that I wasn't his sister, that the Sisters were his sisters, and my heart broke into a million pieces. I apologized sincerely and have been ziplipped about his religion, but the damage was done (his damage, mine doesn't seem to be recognized, but that's okay. I'm tough :))

My culpabilty here is clear...I slandered his religion (I mean~put it on BLAST) and some days I wish I hadn't said a word (leaving everything to be completely fake and empty) and other days I'm glad I got to say my piece since we have NEVER had any relationship at all. He claims he loves me, but has proven in thousands of ways over the years that he wouldn't pee on me if I was on fire (UNLESS I joined his religion, then hunky doriness)

tl;dr :

My bro and I are estranged due to his religion, my lifestyle (really tame, but not to him), and my unfortunate choice to "say something about it" instead of keeping it to myself (forever stuffing it down). I want to have a brother. I want to be an Auntie. I want to be able to say my older brother has my back, like other people do.

Mefites, are any of you estranged from your siblings and can tell me how to get over it? And should I keep trying to reach out, or just let it die on the vine? If I reach out, what can I say? I'm not going to apologize again ( I was 100% factual and I have apologized 3 times), and he just keeps glossing over everything, because in his world, families don't argue or disagree, and if they do, you cut them out, because they are evil.

I'm not evil. I just want to have a brother.

I know I shouldn't have hit send, but I felt so fake not saying what I had to say. Help me Mefi.

I wanna know about the old country.

twistofrhyme — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 21:42:14 -0800

I'm going to be at a rainy cottage all weekend with 3 senior citizens: my dad, aunt, and uncle. I want my non-talkative dad and his sister to reminisce about their childhoods, but I suspect my aunt's talkative husband will dominate the conversation. If that happens, Dad and Aunt won't talk much. How can I encourage them to reminisce without hurting my uncle's feelings? Here's a little more info about the personalities:

My dad, age 70- good-natured, physically active, not very talkative, has terrible hearing (like 30%, even with a hearing aid).
My aunt, age 65- dad's younger sister. Has badly arthritic knees. She's fairly chatty, but can get a little tense with her husband.
My dad and his sister have not spent more than 3 hours together in about 30 years (no specific conflict- they just drifted apart). Also, they are both retired and spend a lot of time alone so they have withdrawn slightly- lots of naps and newspaper crosswords, not much socializing.

My uncle (my aunt's husband), age 65- professorial, very social, still works so he's "younger" than my dad and aunt and more plugged into the world. He tends to be dominant with planning and conversation, which irritates my aunt and causes tension between them. He is really sweet, and I like him a lot, but I am really more excited to spend time with my dad and aunt, since they are never ever together and my aunt is hard for me to contact (whereas uncle and I share some interests so we communicate by email already).

Two questions:

1. How to get Dad and Aunt talking about life in the old country?
I already asked Uncle to bring old slides and photos.
I'm gonna grab some photo books & a DVD documentary about the country to spark memories.
Any other ideas?

2. What else would be fun for us to do together?
My dad's bad hearing can make it really hard to do group activities.
My aunt's bad knees make walking a problem for her (so no hikes).
The cottage has electricity, TV, DVD player, etc.

I really want this weekend to be special and help my dad and his sister connect after so long apart!
I'm not gonna be all stressy and neurotic about it or try to force them to reminisce, but I would like to go in with a couple of ideas.
Thanks in advance for your help!

Give me perspective on my dad's dating situation

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 08:02:52 -0800

My parents split about a year ago. My father has started dating under unusual circumstances, and it makes me somewhat angry. Am I overreacting? How can I find peace with the situation? I've read this recent question . The number of people telling the younger sister to just suck it up made me wonder if I was overreacting to my current situation as well. Help me find perspective.

I am 22, and attending university out-of-town. My sister is 10, and mainly lives with my mother; she stays with dad twice a week. It was an amicable split with fairly fluid arrangements. I’m with mom for the summer, though I recently spent three weeks staying with dad at his request to "be closer".

My dad took a trip business trip back to our home country in late February/early March, and met a girl there. Once he got back to North America, he found a one-year internship position for the girl and her coworker/supervisor at his office. They moved late March. Though this girl has her own apartment, she pretty much sleeps over whenever my sister isn't around, which means I saw a lot of her the past three weeks. She's 27, my dad is 48.

I didn't find out about this situation till I got back in town, late May. My sister met her in April as "just a friend", but clearly knows it's more - this girl had apparently made a comment about how my sister "is adorable, [and should] come be my daughter". Not great, as first impressions go. I talked to dad about this, and told him to try and keep things separate between the girlfriend and my sister.

I don't like this girl much personally - she seems very immature for her age - but I understand it's none of my business who my dad dates. My dad tends to see me in an advisory role and talks a lot about how I'm more mature than he and he's so glad he can talk to me about this stuff. We had a blow-up when he asked me to encourage my sister to be more receptive to his current and future girlfriends and expressed a desire that I would be part of his "new family". He seemed surprised that I felt negatively on both counts, and even more so when I didn't think I would be inclined to try to join in on his new happy shiny family. He can be irresponsible, and didn't consider, for example, common law marriage statuses until I pointed it out. FWIW, I get along a lot better with my mom.

While I was at his place staying in my sister's room, I didn't actually hang out with dad one-on-one, as the girlfriend was around. I don't have the best relationship with my dad, so this didn't bother me as much as the fact that he explicitly asked me to be there (and he's the type to guilt trip me about how we're growing apart) and failed to follow up on it (fairly typical). I'm also very resentful that I was asked to intervene on his behalf on something which I felt was his responsibility to deal with, even more so that it's been complicated by the age factor. I'm angry that he seemed surprised by the fact that my sister would be resistant to girlfriends, and that he expects me to hear about his relationship woes and give him advice (and if I rebuff him on this subject he tells me it's important to him that I be a part of his life). Furthermore, I think it's patently ridiculous he introduced my sister to this girl about 8 months after he moved out, and about a month after they started seeing each other.

My dad is a classic extrovert and while I was there he spent much time out with his girlfriend or hanging out with his friends. To a certain extent, I admit that I'm a little jealous - he tells her stories of his childhood he never told us, he does seem happy when he's around her. My childhood involved a lot of fights between my parents, and a lot of conflict between my dad and I. Nevertheless, every time I consciously think about the girlfriend situation (not often, I'm trying to just roll with it) and every time mom skirts close to the subject (she does understand now that I don't want to talk about it) I can't help but feel really bitter and resentful at nothing in particular, and sad that I feel like I can't trust my dad seems to look out for my sister's best interests. I can barely cover my own tuition and I'm already considering starting up my own fund for her eventual university education, if that tells you anything about what I feel about his reliability.

I want him to be happy, but not at our expense. Is that selfish? Am I wholly overreacting? If yes, and even if not, how can I deal with my anger in a constructive manner so it doesn't take over my life and any hope for better familial relationship with dad? How can I protect my sister from any potential fall-out of this situation? I don't really have any other adults I could talk to about this - I don't want to hurt mom, despite her claims that she's "over it", and all our relatives are thousands of miles away. Thanks for any input!

I acted like a bad sister

pazazygeek — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 12:55:45 -0800

I've hurt my older sister's feelings by being thoughtless and neglecting to include her in the mother's day plan my younger sister and I made for our mom. I am currently crafting an apology letter, but I really want to make it up to her and I'm not sure best how. I would love some ideas. My younger sister and I are a little closer in age, and much closer in day-to-day communication than we are with our older sister. Our mother's birthday always falls around the same week of mother's day, so in an off-hand IM conversation, we decided to go in together on tickets for a concert with our mom. We didn't even think about pulling our older sister in, because we just weren't thinking.

On mother's day, I told my mom about the tickets we'd bought and our plans. My older sister must have asked if she could get in on the plan, but I don't actually remember this. Time went by, little sis, mom and I went to the concert and all was fine. A few days later I got a voicemail from big sis telling me that she was very hurt that I didn't include her. I completely understand. I fucked up, and I feel bad.

I am not great at apologizing, but I know that when someone hurts MY feelings, I want to hear an unqualified apology, without defensiveness, and I often only feel better when that person attempts to make it up to me somehow.

I think I have the apology part down, but I'm struggling with a way to try and do something nice to attempt to make my slight up to her without it seeming over the top. Have you ever been in a position like this? I also want to take her out to lunch for her birthday, but I feel like these things should not overlap.

I know I acted like a jerk, and I can't undo it, but I would like to do my best to unjerk myself. Need help!

How to help my depressed brother/roommate without losing my own mind?

Anonymous — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 10:56:11 -0800

My little brother is my roommate, is clinically depressed, lost his job, and can't/won't pay the bills. What do I do? My brother "A", 20 (I'm 25), lives in my apartment. He has been diagnosed clinically depressed following the death of our mother in 2005, but most likely was before that. After she died, he dropped out of high school, generally vegged and played WoW for a few years. My dad pushed him to get his GED and he did. He dropped out of community college shortly thereafter.

Dad sent him to live with a relative in another state for three months, to train for a job down here. Dad got remarried in that time and has some stepkids now and generally no rooms in the house. Upon "A"'s return in January, we agreed that he would move into my condo in a standard arrangement with rent, share of bills, chores, etc.

Since that time he has managed to break nearly all of my small list of guidelines such as no weed in the house, clean up after yourself, don't leave open food around. He has now lost his job and says he cannot pay his rent or the bills.

He is seeing a therapist, but not taking his meds (except for copious amounts of pot), as far as I can tell is not seriously searching for a job, and is obviously severely troubled. However on my salary, I just can't afford to subsidize his living here. Just the electric bill has gone to 2-3x what it was when I was here alone.

I'm worried I am going to have to kick him out before the end of the month but I really don't know where he will go. Dad & he are essentially not talking right now. I'm not exactly comfortable with the idea of putting my little brother out on the street with no job, car, or much of anything, but he's not managing his end of the deal whatsoever. I work too many hours to stay home and be his personal life coach, and I get paid not nearly enough to handle the bills for two people.

Advice is welcomed.

My brother's girlfriend is nuts should my wife have to deal?

washateria — Sun, 31 May 2009 17:00:27 -0800

I have to move clean out my mother's house in another state. She just moved into assisted living for Alzheimer's Disease last weekend. It will be an emotional week where I will need a lot of support. My brother has been in an on again off again relationship with a woman for the past five years. He was off for the past six months or so and moved in to help take care of Mom, but now they are back together and spending all their time together. SHe is annoying, crazy, doesn't work and last year punched an 87 year old family friend in the face. Anyway, my partner/girlfriend has said she will only go down and help me and my brother clean out the house if she has the right to never see my brother's girlfriend. Meaning I rent her a car and she leaves anytime this woman comes around. I think that this is going to cause a lot of drama, but I completely understand where she is coming from. I really need her there, but I am really afraid that WW3 will break out and I will be in more hot water. ANy ideas?

Parent Filter: What can I do about this parent/child role reversal that is poisoning my mind and my life and how can I let this parent know that even though I love them dearly I will not continue to let them manipulate me and dump all of their responsibilities on to my plate???

Anonymous — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 17:36:49 -0800

Parent Filter: What can I do about this parent/child role reversal that is poisoning my mind and my life and how can I let this parent know that even though I love them dearly I will not continue to let them manipulate me and dump all of their responsibilities on to my plate??? Long story short, my widowed mother (who is young by definition - late sixties) let her life go to hell in a hand basket. My DH and I moved her in with us so that we could give her care and keep her from living the horrible existence that she was (dirty house, unable to take care of the pets she had, not eating right - living off of crap - and not managing her severe diabetes). When we moved her in with us, my DH and I were both 27 years old and had only been married for 5 months. That was over 3 years ago.

She doesn't give a damn about her health and always has a convenient excuse to justify what she feels like doing or not doing. She almost put herself in a diabetic coma once because she didn't manage her diabetes even though the doctor had clearly ordered her to do so. Obviously it is perfectly fine to eat a huge tin of peppermint bark that you had hidden in your room and then try to balance it out with insulin injections.... Right! And she has so many health conditions (osteoarthritis, obesity, fibromyalgia, SEVERE diabetes and the many complications that are resulting from the diabetes) not to mention her appalling lack of self-maintenance and personal hygiene... Two months ago, she fell and broke her leg. She wound up in the hospital and had to have surgery to repair the break. This has left her as non-weight bearing for 3 months. She is obese and cannot walk without a walker when she has two legs to walk on. So she has had to go to a nursing home until she can rehabilitate but has been very unhappy about that reality and has tried to get out of the rehab requirement on more than one occasion. She actually told my husband and I that she would be fine if she would just sit at home in her recliner while we went to work and if we made her some PBJ sandwiches and a glass of water so she could make it through the day until we got home. This is crazy... We told her no and I don't think she gets it.....

She has alienated my other siblings through her master manipulator bullshit and as a result I have lost one of my siblings (no longer speaks to my mother or myself) and the other is only helping out/sticking around because they love me and want to support me/not leave me hanging. My mother has nothing to do all day long but sit around and read trashy novels, but somehow she can't seem to manage making her own doctor appointments (even though I set up a HIGHLY convenient calender which has everyone's schedule on it - hence eliminating the excuse of 'I can't make appointments since I don't know what your schedules are and someone has to take me to the doctor). Did I forget to mention that she quit driving for no particular reason?

My husband and I have REPEATEDLY sat down with her and told her that her current situation and methodology in handling it has been unacceptable. Take a shower, change your clothes, wash your hair, eat right, exercise wherever and however you can, and for the love of god, start acting like a member of the living human race!!! Now last time I checked, she was not declared mentally incompetent and I was not appointed as her guardian. In my mind, this means that my family and I do what we need to do in order to make her life at home comfortable within reason. This does not mean that I am supposed to be her personal assistant/secretary and that she can just sit back and be the Queen of Sheba with no responsibilities what so ever. It also does not mean that she can just sit there and let herself be filthy and stink just because it takes so much effort to take a shower. And god forbid she does take that shower and clean herself up! Then she can't do anything for the rest of the day because it "took so much out of" her...

Yes, I am at fault for allowing this behavior to go on for as long as I have. But I have had my awakening and I also have a infant son who needs his mother since he is in fact a baby and cannot take care of himself. Therefore here are the questions that I have at hand:

# 1 - How can I convey that I am done catering to her, that she is an adult and needs to be responsible for herself and that I am invoking the protective shield of self-preservation immediately?

#2 - Once I have established the bare minimum requirements for her, how do enforce them? I know that one thing I can use is "if you don't/can't meet these expectations then we aren't equipped to take care of you anymore". The only problem with that is that it will become an empty threat if used too much. What other repercussions can I use?

# 3 - How can I break free of her manipulation of me through guilt? I need to rid myself of those shackles in order to be strong and not allow further mind games by the master manipulator.

Please feel free to e-mail me with any questions that you might have or any suggestions you can offer. I've set up a throw-away email address at: preserving.my.sanity@gmail.com

Help me enjoy my family this christmas!

yowza — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 14:29:23 -0800

What techniques can you use to avoid falling into the family dynamic trap? By that I mean, for the first few hours/days everything's fine with parents and siblings, my identity is intact, but soon after, somehow, we're all playing the same parts we always played (we've all flown the nest)... I find it annoying how I find it difficult to rise above this. ie. feeling intimidated by my older brother, oddly belittled by my younger brother ignored by parents. I'm sure I'm a rather oversensitive middle child but I'm pretty sure I'm not the only factor! This year I am determined to enjoy my Christmas without the family dynamics crap. We're all old enough for this not to be a problem, surely? Futile perhaps, but maybe with your rather general advice I may be able to make inroads!

How to mourn my still-living sister?

Anonymous — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 11:03:40 -0800

I'm mourning my sister. The catch? She isn't dead. She just isn't herself anymore. How do I go about this in a healthy way? My sister and I were always very close. We come from a large family, and in recent years the whole family structure has just kind of fallen apart.

I moved across the country, so I'm sure I bear some of the weight of that. And everyone else went through changes too. A brother was diagnosed with a mental illness. Another sister left home, got pregnant, eventually got married, and now has two beautiful babies (and is doing a wonderful job as a mother). And my parents got divorced after years of everyone waiting (and hoping) for it to happen.

All the rest of it I can seem to deal with pretty directly because everyone seems to still be themselves, just dealing with new and different realities. But my previously progressive, studious, lighthearted, fun-loving sister doesn't even seem like herself anymore.

She gave up her dream of becoming a doctor because she wants to be a mother and saw the two as mutually exclusive(!?). She started dating a complete troglodyte of a guy and is now engaged to him despite his seriously deranged and dangerous behavior that scares the bejeezus out of the rest of us - not to mention his complete and total dissimilarity with the rest of us and our values. And she's been treating me strangely lately - like accidentally almost signing her whole name on my birthday card as if I were a casual acquaintance, and mentioning that she would be in my city in early December and that it would be "really great to see me." My family may be fractured, but none of the rest of them would even question whether they would see me if they were visiting my city. But the saddest part of all is that the laughter in her voice is gone. She used to light up a room just by talking. Now her voice is flat and tired and completely devoid of that magic.

So I'm mourning the sister I had. And I don't know how to do that now that there is a pod person I have to deal with who pretends she is my sister. I don't recognize this new person. I don't like this new person.

Of course, this new person is the one who is coming to town this weekend, and who thinks it would be "really great to see me" while she's here. So what do I do? Short term? Long term?

Email responses welcome and appreciated: sibling.mourner@gmail.com

When does my brother's drinking become my problem?

non sum qualis eram — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 14:31:14 -0800

How do I help my mother deal with my sibling's alcohol use? Ever since my brother moved back in with my folks after his college graduation (about two years ago), my mom has had a really hard time dealing with his drinking. My brother isn't shy about coming home pretty drunk or calling to say that he's too drunk to drive and is staying elsewhere.

I know it causes an inordinate amount of stress for my mother, who's already medicated for her anxiety. Maybe every two or three months, she'll have a kind of breakdown about it and call me, sobbing and asking what to do. Today, her call was prompted by noticing that my brother's face was scratched up after a night out. He told her that he was so drunk he fell down the steps at the party.

I've tried just listening, giving advice, and tough love. Nothing seems to comfort her or spur her to take definite action on the problem. I guess I'm interested in others' experiences with these situations. When is it time for me to intervene with my brother? If I did, what would I even say? Short of that, what advice can I give my mother to either deal with her anxiety about the situation or take action to solve it?

Other info: My father also lives with them, but isn't really concerned about my brother's drinking. He grew up in a family of alcoholics, though, and he's rationalized their behavior to me for as long as I can remember. I have a very close relationship with my brother, but we've never discussed this issue.

Thanks in advance, Mefites!

Sibling Rivalry

rglass — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 17:47:26 -0800

Have you regretted cutting off your siblings? If you have cut off your siblings or put a significant amount of distance between you and them, have you regretted it? What are the consequences of having a lack of a relationship with siblings through your adult years?

Purchasing a home from your own family trust?

Tullyogallaghan — Thu, 22 May 2008 08:30:00 -0800

Can a person purchase a home from her own family trust? Problem: my friend's dad died a few months ago and left his estate plus the family home in a trust set up for his 3 adult kids. My friend and her sister want to buy the house from the family estate (their brother is against this and wants to sell it "as is" on the open market) but they are running into a problem as their lawyer and others say you can't buy a house from "yourself." Can this be true? We live in Illinois. Thank you.

My brothers and I are thinking about purchasing a house together. Good idea?

melodykramer — Wed, 14 May 2008 22:46:26 -0800

Have any of you (as adults) purchased a communal house to share with your siblings? Any tidbits of information? Wise words of wisdom? My brothers and I would like to buy a house and convert it into separate living arrangements for each of us, with a communal kitchen and living room area. (3 people total)

We would be doing this mainly because it's more affordable. We all get along and are very close in age.

Naturally, we want to make sure that if we do this, we don't screw up. We're interested in hearing from other siblings who have lived together in adult life.

I'm my mother's favorite. Now what?

GardnerDB — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 13:04:24 -0800

My mother recently told me I'm her favorite child. How can I deal with the guilt? I "came out" to my mother recently and she was devastated. She was hysterical for hours and made many coherent, semi-coherent, and incoherent comments while tears streamed down her face. One of the things she said was that she was especially disappointed by my revelation because I am her favorite child (she has 4).

I have spent a lifetime (26 years) trying to convince my siblings that I'm not our mother's favorite child--and I really did believe I wasn't her favorite. She didn't treat me any better than her other children. The two of us have a similar sense of humor and our personalities are very similar, so we get along very well. But now I feel incredibly guilty. Not because I disappointed my mother, but because my siblings were right all these years. I feel like it's not appropriate for my mother to have a favorite child.

What can I do to help me deal with the guilt I'm experiencing? Is it normal for a parent to have a favorite child?

Why would siblings who don't know they're siblings be attracted to each other?

AmbroseChapel — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 15:30:08 -0800

Why would siblings who don't know they're siblings be attracted to each other? There's been a lot of publicity about the marriage of a twin brother and sister who were adopted and didn't know about each other. They met as adults and felt, according to the article, an "inevitable" attraction.

Drew thinks this particular story was made up by the way, to get a bill passed in the UK parliament.

So, what's going on in the human brain (and why did the CNN writer just put "inevitable" without feeling they have to explain)?

Being attracted to people like ourselves is good? But not if we're too alike? And something about being brought up together hits a kind of kill-switch on being attracted to brothers and sisters? We don't automatically recognise our own genes and rule that person out as a mate?

Making sure my dad has a working phone

goofyfoot — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 18:46:53 -0800

Short version: do I just buy a phone and press it on my increasingly reclusive, phoneless, living-alone but working, 71-year-old father? Longer: Pop has no way of calling anyone from his apartment should he need to do so. This is in keeping with his evermore hermetic inclinations: he gave up his computer, then his business cell phone (this doesn't seem to be a problem with his current employer), then his landline. He won't even check e-mail now. I think he should have a phone, given his age and the fact that he lives alone; my brother seems to think no one has a right to force him to communicate.

Has anyone been in this position? I want to give Pop an easy-to-use cell phone and take care of the bills for it. I'd have to thrust it into his hands ( or gently introduce it to him) at my brother's on Christmas Eve, which is when I'll next see him; but it's possible this will lead to an argument or a chilling or relations between brother, me, Pop, and my brother's wife, who thinks as I do.

All You Need Is Blood...Blood Is All You Need?

duckierose — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 10:48:07 -0800

[family squabble filter]: My brother is convinced that a human could survive by consuming nothing but blood from other humans. I want to prove him wrong without actually testing his theory. My brother and I tend to argue. A lot. And I tend to be right. Once he was convinced he had disproved the Monty Hall Problem in five minutes, because "it had to be 50%."

Anyway, his current hypothesis is that a human being could survive by consuming nothing but human blood. He thinks that since blood carries all the important things a body needs to survive throughout the body, then it must contain every thing the body needs. So, according to him, all the nutrients, vitamins, etc, a body would need could be found in blood.

I know he's wrong, but my scientific knowledge is limited to playing with corn starch and water. So, I don't have the skills needed to, once again, prove him wrong.

So, I ask of you: is there anything a human would need to survive that could not be acquired by drinking blood? Alternatively, is there anything you could overdose on if you were to consume nothing but blood? Or is my brother, for once, correct?

I don't want your money, but don't give it to her.

Xere — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 17:08:52 -0800

My uncle recently sent me some money through my sister. And just as she always has done, she's frittered it away and I'll never see a cent of it. I don't really care because I'm used to it, and I don't care for the money either. But how can I warn my uncle without giving off a "Give me more money" message? The tricky part is that my uncle's siblings have always been pressuring him for this and that and money. To the point that he finally decided to move several states away. I've always tried not to be like them, but he does offer money sometimes - and I've always turned it down when possible. Exceptions: the Take-It-No-You-Take-It battles I've lost, and money he passes to me through relatives.

The best way I can think of telling him is somewhere along the lines of: "Grandma told me you sent me some money to me through my sister, a while ago. I really don't need any of it and don't care for any of it, but don't send anything through my sister - she'll take it." And to him, so used to the subtleties of money-grabbing, that may come off as "I didn't get any of the money, please re-send."

And why don't I want my sister getting the money? I don't want her to pinch my uncle for more money than she already does. I'm guessing that she may (if she hasn't already) use the "Xere asked for money, I'll pass it to her" excuse.

MeFi experts, please suggest to me a way to handle this with grace and proper etiquette.

marsha, jan, cindy?

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 17:07:34 -0800

How can I deal with my resentment towards my two older sisters (preferably without confronting them)? (long) I recently moved to a new city, and am for the first time living without being driving distance to family. The change is wonderful, but less get-togethers is uncovering resentment that I've had built up for a long time. I find myself angry, pissed off, and unwilling to put up with "more of the same" from my sisters.

A long time ago, my mom died. I was 10. My sisters were older (High School & college). While I know it affected us in different ways and there's no great age to go through such loss, I've been feeling angry about the lack of their involvement in those formative years. I remember when my older sisters got their period for the first time - my mom took them out to lunch, bought them flowers, and made a mother/daughter day of it. The only thing that was said to me was "the pads are in the cabinet under the sink." I wore old hand-me-down bra's with holes in them for years, used toilet paper for pads for 2 years when they were away at school. I sort of wish they had been more thoughtful in checking up on me, and am realizing that this had a profound effect on my bodily insecurities. When I asked them for help, they were busy. It was always "later" (usually, never) - and had been frequently told that I was a brat, too much of a tag along - the annoying little sister. We had no aunts that we were not estranged from, and they were pretty much my main female influence after our mom died.

As an adult, and entirely on my own, I'm learning to feel wonderful about the person I am, and learning to be ok with the woman that I am. But I still, frequently, feel frustrated and increasingly angry with the way my sisters treat me and general lack of support. I feel a lot of judgement, things told in confidence to them were not kept confidential, broken promises in willing to help with something or be there, and increasing lectures about what they think is good for me.

Most recently, it's come to my attention that they've been discussing me behind my back. The thing that set me off recently was their discussion of my weight and how to approach me about it (am about 25 lbs overweight... this is not a recent gain). Now I know my body far better than them, my diet, my exercise routine and health, and while I'd like to be skinny, I've been exhausted by body issues for most of my life and just want to be healthy - which I am - god forbid at 25 lbs overweight. Learning to speak up more, I told them I did not appreciate discussions about about my body behind my back - and to please address their concerns to me directly.

The response by one of my sisters was that I am stubborn, am selfish moving so far away, and that I have "always been like this." What I think she meant is that she believes I never want their help. My take, is that I do want their help, but it cannot only be on their terms/time; and that they confuse imposition for help.

My frustration and anger is bringing back a lot of resentment about their lack of involvement during those formative years. This is not to say that they haven't had difficulty from losing our mom, too. They are now both parents themselves, and I'm certain they experience a lot of sadness in learning how to mother without having our mom present.

I have never discussed my resentment with them, nor my anger with their lack of confidentiality when I opened up about a couple of things. I've generally shoved it under the carpet, only to have a can of worms open suddenly since I moved away. And I am pissed off at them. And I think this is at least partly due to my own fault, for failing to address things as they come.

But I am angry. I don't trust them. When I try to explain why, it's told that I'm being mean to them. And I'm not sure what words to use to be more articulate so that I don't come across as "mean."

I do have a brother, and have a good, trustworthy relationship with him. He is flaky, but most of the time he keeps to his word and I can depend on him (and he can depend on me).

Besides therapy (expensive), how can I deal with resentment towards my sisters? How have you dealt with family resentment? Talking to them doesn't seem to help. There are always interruptions, with their kids and things. I get that they have their own lives with kids/husband/etc, but don't we all in different facets of life? Sometimes it seems they forget they have a sister (this probably sounds really selfish).

Should I give up on having a friendship with them? I'm sort of envious of people who are actually friends with their siblings. Are you friends with your siblings, or are they more people with whom you are related to and share some similar experiences? I would definitely not count my sisters as friends. I would count my brother as a friend.

Is letting out my anger/sadness the only cure? How long will that take?

How to leave large sums of money to a drug addict?

Anonymous — Tue, 06 Feb 2007 10:23:01 -0800

Leaving Money to Drug Addicts Filter: My parents have re-written their will, which leaves all of their assets equally to myself and my step-brother. Considering that my step-brother is a drug addict (we also believe that he is a dealer, though he has yet to be arrested as such, so we don't know for sure), this becomes very complicated. The way that the will works now is that if one parent is still alive, they will receive all assets from the estate. However, once both of them die, their combined assets are to be distributed between my brother and myself. The will is set up so that I, as the older sibling, am entrusted with distributing the wealth (so to speak) to my brother.

Now, I don't want to keep him from getting anything that is rightfully his. Our relationship has certainly been shaky, and I would certainly never give him anything that had belonged to my mother, but as far as his father's possessions (Yeah, my mother married his dad, for a little background), I have no problem with giving him any and all of those. As far as any monetary assets are concerned, I would be happy to divide the wealth equally between the two of us.

However, I don't think a large windfall would do him good. He's been using drugs since age 9 and had his first stint in rehab (State mandated after an arrest for assault and battery) at 17. He's currently homeless and wandering the country, yet conveniently keeps coming up with large sums of money at odd times - leading us to suspect that in addition to using drugs, he has probably at least occasionally been dealing them. He showed up back at my parents' doorstep last summer and they tried to get him some help, but it didn't take.

The reason I'm asking this question now, while my parents are still alive and well, is that they and I all want to be sure that while he is taken care of, he would not be able to use their inheritance to blow through a large amount of drugs in a short period of time.

Talking about this situation with a friend of mine, she suggested a trust wherein my brother would be able to be reimbursed for any and all legitimate expenses - is this sort of thing possible? Are there any other options where he can get money in small increments or just with the stipulation that it has to be for some pre-approved use (rent/food/hookers/anything-that's-not-snorted-through-his-nose, etc)? What sort of legal options exist for leaving potentially large sums of money (by the time all is said and done, it will be in the hundreds of thousands) to the completely irresponsible?

If you would prefer to contact me outside this post, the email is money4druggies@gmail.com.

How can I help my underachieving older brother?

Anonymous — Mon, 10 Jul 2006 05:32:25 -0800

How can I help my underachieving older brother? My older brother is in his early-to-mid twenties and a big underachiever. He's not doing anything productive with his life now -- he doesn't work; he just lives off my parents' money.

He was a child prodigy until he started rebelling in his early teens. Nowadays he doesn't rebel or use drugs anymore, but is not doing anything constructive, professionally or socially. He spends all his time in his apartment with his arcane intellectual hobbies. He also has kept the same stagnant, dysfunctional friendships for a long time. This behavior seems to result from some combination of low self esteem and lack of motivation.

I've tried my best to be a positive influence, and have on multiple occasions attempted to inspire him with motivational speeches about what he could do with his life. He acts interested, but the next day is back where he was before.

I really care for him but am discouraged that all my attempts to help him so far have been futile.

Any ideas on what I could do, or on who would be able to help in this situation?

The world's first Brother Sister Blog Team?

travosaurus — Tue, 07 Mar 2006 13:56:52 -0800

Are my sister and I the world's first "Brother Sister Blog Team" or has it been done before? Personally, I haven't been able to find any. My sister and I are starting a topical blog in the next week or so. Do you any of you know of other sibling blog teams, or do we get bragging rights of some kind?

By the way, this blog has nothing to do with being brother and sister, nor our personal lives.

How to move parents to a retirement community?

jamie939 — Sat, 17 Dec 2005 10:54:27 -0800

How can I convince my parents to move to a retirement community? I visited my mom and dad these last few days and I think it's time for them to move to a retirement community. They live about 20 miles from a hospital and doctors visits, which they do a lot of, and specialists are 50 miles away and my mother is very nervous about driving and my father can't drive at all anymore. My father had a mild stroke last year and is on oxygen 24 hours a day. The house is beginning to fall into disrepair. It's not too bad but they are unable to care for a 10 acre farm like they once could. But I can tell in another year or so things will get out of hand.

I live 5 hours away by car and have other siblings who have the same driving distance. The closest sister is 2 hours away. So it's not always easy to get to them and help out as much as I would like.

My mother brought up the idea but my father will have no discussion about it. There are several nice ones in the town that is 20 miles away. Anyone dealt with this? Any suggestions?

Release my sippee cup NOW, or you die, Sister!

brheavy — Wed, 14 Dec 2005 14:39:16 -0800

Advice for how to stop a 2.5 year old boy from annihilating his 1 year old sister. My son, whom I’ve recently nicknamed “unnecessary roughness”, cannot resist pushing, pulling, smacking, or kicking his sister, who is now mobile enough to always find him, but never fast enough to get away.

Violence ensues when she touches his toys, or has anything interesting in her hands. Other factors that could precipitate an incident include her merely looking at him, or her toddling in a direction that may take her within several feet of his stuff.

My son is generally very sweet, calm, and other than with his sister, rarely impulsive. Some other background info: my wife stays at home with both kids during the day and she keeps them busy with both indoor and outdoor activities, and ever since she was born last year, we've given him plenty of attention, hoping that he would take a liking to her and not see her as a threat. Our household is rather calm and definitely not abusive, and I cannot think of any environmental stressor or bad examples in his life that might be influencing him, television or otherwise. He does have contact with other kids his age, mostly cousins, and lately I have noticed that he gets rather aggressive with even the older ones. One cousin in particular (aged 2), used to smack him, but now my son seems more dominant. Could slaps and scuffles from this particular cousin a year ago have formed such a strong impression that now he has become this two-and-a-half year old WWF wannabe?

When it happens, which is daily if not hourly, he will get this look of fury on his face, and then he just snaps. We’ve tried timeouts, spanking, forfeiture of favorite toys, and varied attempts at verbal reasoning, but they just do not work. He’ll say “I will NOT do it again,” but then he does do it again – sometimes immediately. His maternal Grandparents tell us that they had a nephew who had a similar temperament, so perhaps it’s a biological trait. (That nephew just so happens to be the single most competitive individual I have ever met.)

Certainly within a year or so, his sister will be able to fight back, and, I suppose, he may just grow out of it. In the mean time, I am interested to hear if any of you have had similar experiences with children and siblings, and more importantly, have you had any success in dealing with this sort of insanity? Please, anything at all.

Desperately trying to find a forgotten book.

kayjay — Sun, 27 Nov 2005 21:25:02 -0800

I'm trying to find a book that I read when I was in grade school, sometime during the mid to late 80's. The basic plot involved a girl scaring her impressionable young step(?) brother by pretending to go into trances and make predictions. IIRC, she was somewhat of an outcast at school, but had recently been cast in the school play as a colonial witch (Tituba perhaps?). I think there may have also been some references in the book to the Sybills of ancient Greece (hence the trances). Is this ringing any bells? I've tried Googling every combination of words that I can think of without success. I also tried calling ready reference in Milwaukee, as that was the library system from which I had gotten the book. I know it was a book aimed at maybe 3rd through 6th graders. It's kind of frustrating to me that the details that I can remember are so sketchy and vague. For example, I remember her step-mother lending her a shawl to wear in the play. I remember that when she first pretended to be in a trance, she was doing it as a joke on her step-brother who was bothering her, but that he took it very seriously and believed it. I remember that he was sort of delicate. However, things like the title and author or even what the cover looked like have escaped me. I'd really love to find it again if anyone else recognizes this.