Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sibling

My little sister's growing up :'(

SebastianKnight — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 05:13:28 -0800

My younger sister is moving in with her future-fiancé. How to mark this passage, and what house-warming gift to buy them? My wonderful sister (early 20s) is about to move in with her boyfriend (who will very likely become my brother-in-law within 18 months). They're moving into his new house (not renting), and they're seriously planning their futures together. This is the big one, and I'm so happy for both of them. They're a great match and they're very together, level-headed people. I'm very hopeful for them.

She's moving out of my mum's house and it feels like this move closes a door on a part of our sibling relationship. My sister and I are very very close, and her moving out of mum's house likely means that we'll probably never live under the same roof again. We'll stay close, but this feels like a significant passage from one chapter to the next. In some ways, it marks the end of our shared extended-childhood. We've been through movings in and out and back and forth and together and apart before, but never with this air of finality.

So I have one pragmatic question and one fuzzy one.

1) Do you have any suggestions for a housewarming gift for them? (I've read previous Asks on this topic but couldn't find one with this sort of background.) I'm struggling.

2) If you've been through anything like this, how did you mark the occasion? How did you handle it? Have you any advice?

Thanks.

How do I stop being jealous of my younger sister and pissed off at my mom?

Anonymous — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 16:10:13 -0800

How do I stop being jealous of my younger sister and pissed off at my mom? When I was in high school, I came out as gay and my parents were really homophobic. My mom also bullied me a lot about the course I took in university, and about moving away for school, even though I won scholarships that would have let me done that. I stayed in my hometown, and I struggled a lot with depression, insecurity, and eating problems while I did my undergrad - but also overcame these things and learned to be highly independent, finishing uni in a specialization I enjoyed, and supporting myself financially pretty much since I originally moved out. These days I’m living in another city, and doing well in grad school.

My sister is going to a prestigious grad school across the water in England, with the full support (loan & otherwise) of my parents (“oh, the experience of a lifetime!” etc.). I get along with my sister, but I find myself bitterly jealous of her, which upsets me. I’m pissed off because I know my mom was supporting my sister every step of the way.

I don’t like these feelings. I don't want to be hurtful and most importantly, I want to move on. I'm seeking advice for how to do this. Thanks.

Sibling Rivalry and Your Sib's Kids

PJSibling — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 08:59:31 -0800

I have a sister that I finally cut off when a friend of mine revealed she had stolen $400 from him years before, as she has done to her siblings. Her daughter was 10 at the time and was very hurt that I disappeared. At the time I felt that it would only make her life worse to explain that I left because I didn't trust her mother. Now that she is 25 I would like to contact her again and at least apologize and tell her I love her, but is that best for her? (BTW she lives with her father after a bitter divorce and has the some of the same feelings about her mother as I do. But I don't want to open up that wound, for sure.) Now that she's an adult, should I contact her again?

How can I "deal with" a very close family member with depression?

Anonymous — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 19:01:19 -0800

How can I "deal with" a very close family member with depression? A close sibling of mine is depressed. This sibling is in treatment, seeing a therapist and taking medication to treat the depression. While I see that the treatment has definitely helped--this person is functional (holds down a job, follows through on committments, etc) whereas that was once not the case--I am hearing a lot of "I'm sad." I hear this several times a week. While I understand that people get sad, especially when they fixate or focus on certain events (like a divorce, for instance) or their current circumstances (crappy boss, junky car, etc), I have always been of the opinion that if you don't like something, DO SOMETHING about it, don't just wallow in it. Today I actually told my sibling to take action on the circumstances that are depressing/saddening, and all I got was "you don't care."

I need advice on how to deal with--react to--engage with someone this close to me who is emotionally sensitive but stubborn in changing. I don't want to go through life ignoring this small part of this person's life, but I can only go so far giving my perspective when advice is sought. I also know that sometimes, people just want to complain, but this happens so frequently I have decided to say something about it.

(By the way, I'm fine with having my advice ignored. Lots of people do it. What I'm not OK with is inaction on something that is clearly bothering someone. Give me a perspective on how to deal with that, please.)

How do I deal with being the brother of an angry virgin?

Anonymous — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 13:28:07 -0800

Please help me figure out how to deal with being close to a musical genius brother whose inability to get laid has led to outbursts that are traumatizing my parents and me. Every Saturday night or so, my dear old dad picks up the phone and it's his son, Eddie. Eddie is frustrated and ranting because he's a virgin in his late 20s, and his odd social ways are not getting him any lovin'. Eddie is also a musical genius who loves funk-jazz fusion artists, and when there's a piano for him to commandeer at a party, people's heads will turn to find this unassuming little guy pounding out this abstract blues that is like something from outer space, and I mean that in a good way. But because of Eddie's obsessive artistic purity, rather than using music to meet women, he coops himself up, devoting most of his hermitude to writing mid-1980s-style video game soundtracks that are only appreciated by a small, retro-obsessed Internet community of, like, people in Sweden whose preferred operating system is Amiga Workbench.

It has gotten to where I want to either pay some nice sex worker in downtown San Francisco to seduce him, or forcibly become his manager and make him come up with a live act to meet women, so that he will stop making my poor mom suffer with his piteous and unnecessary cries of loneliness. Dad's tough; mom has really been through it over this.

For years, Eddie has indicated interest in the live music plan, but has been maddeningly passive about doing this or anything to change his life. He is active, however, in wrenching pity out of my mom over his hundred-percent rejection rate by women. It has gone on for years and I am trying to build a healthy wall of separation between his feelings and mine while trying to see if there is anything I can do to help. Being a less close-knit family isn't an option; we pulled together to make sure Eddie got through childhood problems that another kid might never have survived. Though on the other hand I could really use some distance, because in the fall I start law school, and cannot be around any more emotional outbursts like this.

The point is that it has also given me severe guilt issues. I knew they had gone too far when I woke up my summer fling at 6 a.m., weeping about my brother, and she was understandably like WTF?

I have this crazy belief that my brother needs to "catch up" with my (very modest for my age) dating accomplishments. I'm afraid of his being jealous of me and somehow I have this sense that the universe is wrong for letting me sleep with people every now and then while my brother, unless he changes his ways, seems headed for a future of being like Billy Bob Thornton's 45-year-old manchild in "A Simple Plan"--remember the part where he talks about never having kissed a girl?

I have a really hard time watching this happen, and I'm angry at the world for the unfair distribution of rewards. Eddie has had some modest dating accomplishments lately, and I try to concentrate on those, but last week I found out he is being treated for severe panic attacks where he thinks he is going to die all the time, and it just makes me so upset. Right when you think something will go OK for him, he will post some annoying Facebook message about being alone and rejected.

Has anyone ever had to deal with anything like this sibling guilt, and what did you do about it? I know some people will identify a certain level of "Dead Ringers"-level "codependence" insanity here ("We have to get in sync!"), and there may be truth to that. But I can't just disappear from my brother's life when we are best friends and I've been almost like another parent. Do I just need to see a shrink or what?

Days of Wine and Roses Redux?

n'muakolo — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 09:41:14 -0800

I think my sister and her boyfriend have a drinking problem. How can we help? My sister (28) and her boyfriend (31) are what I consider to be heavy social drinkers and my family is concerned.

It's a bit hard for me to judge because I don't live in the same city, but they tell anecdotes that lead me to believe that they have a drinking problem. Here's what I know: I'm not sure what, if anything, they drink on the weeknights, but for all I know it could be a lot. On weekends I think they regularly get completely drunk. I've very rarely actually seen them wasted, but I have definitely seen them tipsy. The do a lot of shots on weekend nights, and put away a lot of beer. (My sister, who weighs about 100 pounds, says she can easily drink 12 beers a night.) Recently they came to visit me and got in a big fight where he stormed off and eventually made it back to our house. My sister said he 'always' does this, and he's driven drunk the wrong way on a major highway in our home city, and he's driven drunk more than once, and that his friends - college friends, who drink a lot themselves - think it's fun to make him "confused." I was pretty shocked to hear all that - until then I would have said they drink a lot but definitely can handle their booze. They are both in fabulous shape - they work out a lot, and are generally just blessed with great physiques and great looks - and so there's zero indication from looking at them that they drink this heavily. Basically, I think they drink like irresponsible college students, except they're not in college anymore and I don't see any trigger that will make them stop drinking like this unless someone intervenes. They have a lot of friends, and they all seem to drink to excess. They're very into sports and drink heavily when watching baseball, football, etc. They do have a puppy and they are absolutely fantastic with him - they take him for 3-4 very long walks a day, discipline him well, etc. (I say this because I think maybe a baby would be that trigger - but that's a few years away and maybe it wouldn't help at all.) They are both quite successful at work. They've been together about 3 years and my family loves him (and her, obviously) very much.

I'm worried about their current safety, their health, and their futures. My whole family drinks quite a bit, but not like this. His siblings drink heavily but his parents are teetotalers. We're afraid their story is going to be the Days of Wine and Roses story, if they don't stop or change the way they drink. They - especially he - are very likeable, friendly people. We have a great relationship with them. They like to tell us anecdotes about their drinking. They think it's a bonding exercise to play cards with me and my parents and do shots when we screw up. My sister has been a bit distant with me and my parents until she started dating him - he's very pro-family and he's the reason we now spend a lot of time with them both. We're worried (1) that if we bring this up it's only going to drive them away; (2) it's a bit of the pot calling the kettle black because we're all social drinkers (but not at all like this); (3) we're not sure they need AA or the like, but we do think they need to seriously cut back on their drinking.

I know you can't tell me what to do, but what do we do?!

How to mourn my still-living sister?

Anonymous — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 11:03:40 -0800

I'm mourning my sister. The catch? She isn't dead. She just isn't herself anymore. How do I go about this in a healthy way? My sister and I were always very close. We come from a large family, and in recent years the whole family structure has just kind of fallen apart.

I moved across the country, so I'm sure I bear some of the weight of that. And everyone else went through changes too. A brother was diagnosed with a mental illness. Another sister left home, got pregnant, eventually got married, and now has two beautiful babies (and is doing a wonderful job as a mother). And my parents got divorced after years of everyone waiting (and hoping) for it to happen.

All the rest of it I can seem to deal with pretty directly because everyone seems to still be themselves, just dealing with new and different realities. But my previously progressive, studious, lighthearted, fun-loving sister doesn't even seem like herself anymore.

She gave up her dream of becoming a doctor because she wants to be a mother and saw the two as mutually exclusive(!?). She started dating a complete troglodyte of a guy and is now engaged to him despite his seriously deranged and dangerous behavior that scares the bejeezus out of the rest of us - not to mention his complete and total dissimilarity with the rest of us and our values. And she's been treating me strangely lately - like accidentally almost signing her whole name on my birthday card as if I were a casual acquaintance, and mentioning that she would be in my city in early December and that it would be "really great to see me." My family may be fractured, but none of the rest of them would even question whether they would see me if they were visiting my city. But the saddest part of all is that the laughter in her voice is gone. She used to light up a room just by talking. Now her voice is flat and tired and completely devoid of that magic.

So I'm mourning the sister I had. And I don't know how to do that now that there is a pod person I have to deal with who pretends she is my sister. I don't recognize this new person. I don't like this new person.

Of course, this new person is the one who is coming to town this weekend, and who thinks it would be "really great to see me" while she's here. So what do I do? Short term? Long term?

Email responses welcome and appreciated: sibling.mourner@gmail.com

What should I do about a sibling that does not want to be in my wedding?

Anonymous — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 21:13:01 -0800

What should I do about a sibling that does not want to be in my wedding? This is a bit long, but...

My little brother and I have always been best friends. About 2 years ago, I caught him stealing from me. I called him out on it, told him I forgive him, and to let it go. If he needed it, he needed it.

We started talking again, and everything was fine. He always seemed a little uneasy around me since then, but I figured it was him not being happy with what he had done. I thought our relationship would get easier over time, and it did.

Roughly two years go by (FF to present day), and I ask him to be in my wedding. I wanted him to be my best man.

And he says no.

Just a flat no. He's not coming to the wedding, he wants nothing to do with it. I talked to my two other brothers, and they said he said he is just out to ruin my "big day."

So what do I do about this? Do I wait until closer to the wedding and ask again? Or just give up on it and ask a friend instead? If you need more info, email ohmetafilter@gmail.

How do I get my americorps moolah?

karyotypical — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 17:37:06 -0800

LoanForgiveness Filter: I just completed my first year with AmeriCorps and come to find out that the student loan forgiveness benefit doesn't apply to my Plus loan. So, can I take out a student loan for my brother and use the AmeriCorps benefit on that? So... after a year of working my butt off (and another year already started), I find out that my AmeriCorps loan forgiveness benefit doesn't apply to my college Plus loans. This is because my parents could get a better rate with a Plus loan from Sallie Mae than anything I qualified for, so rather than taking out a loan in my name, I just decided to let my parents take out what they could and agreed to pay them back. However, it turns out that AmeriCorps will only forgive loans that are in your name and Plus loans are (as far as I can tell) completely nontransferable.

So, since all my school costs were all financed by Plus loans, I was wondering if I could possibly take out a loan in my name for my brother (or co-sign?). He's in college now and I'd much rather have him get the money than let it go to waste.

So, in general, I'm wondering:
1. Can I take out a student loan for my brother? and have it paid off by AmeriCorps? How would I do this?
OR
2. Is there some way I can actually transfer the Plus loan to my name or strings I can pull to get it paid off by AmeriCorps?

And if all else fails, any awesome ideas for what to do with the extra educational money besides grad school?

Thanks!

I want us to get along

Anonymous — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 23:39:34 -0800

I want to have a normal sibling relationship with my youngest sister. How can I begin to do this? I am the oldest sibling in my family and a male child to boot. I have two younger sisters, one who is about a year younger and one who is four years younger.

The middle sister and I get along great. We meet up every weekend and talk about things. It's nice.

My youngest sister is a different story. She and I never got along in the past. She always felt like I got preferential treatment from our parents, and has never let that go. She's a party girl, I'm a homebody. We used to fight physically as kids, and in more passive aggressive ways now that we are adults.

About 10 years ago, I tried to bury the hatchet with my youngest sis. I tried to be more understanding of her. I tried to reach out and talk to her more. She didn't totally rebuff me, but I could tell the interest was not there as much as it was for me.

And so it has gone on since then. We're in a sort of detente. It's just that I'm not happy with this. I love my sister and am proud of her. She's done well for herself and I want her to be part of my life. We haven't talked directly or by e-mail since 2006. I get updates on her from mom and I assume she does the same.

I want to build a relationship with my youngest sis, but have no idea where to begin. It's hard to know how to undo a lifetime of damage.

Any hints from the hive mind? Any questions or private suggestions can be directed to anxiousbrother@gmail.com

Preparations/Procedures for Getting Child Placed at My Home

Anonymous — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 19:55:42 -0800

Suggestions/Ideas/Advice for how to prepare/proceed for a sibling being taken out of the family home (and possibly into my own home)? I have received information from a friend working in the system that there is a very good chance my younger sibling, with whom I am very close, will get taken out of my parents' home due to endangerment within the next few weeks. This friend has advised that when children are removed from their family home, it is preferred that they go with another family member. I am 23, recently married, employed full-time and a full-time student. I am certain that my husband and I would pass any of the requirements for foster care/family care. We would love to take in my sibling if this occurs, and I need to know what to do, how to prepare, who I can talk to, and how to deal with my family, who may or may not know about the possibility of my sibling's removal in the interim.

More information: We are in one state, my family is in another. Additionally, I have already spoken to the Guardian Ad Litem, who acted really strange and suspicious and basically brushed off my offers to assist in any way possible and my desire to take in my sibling if removal was to occur.

I'm looking for suggestions, ideas, advice, or anything else you have about how to conduct myself during this period, both so that I can prove I am a responsible and fitting person for the sibling to go with, and so that I don't give myself away to the family (telling them is not an option - I don't want to get my source into trouble). How do I proceed with the correct steps?

(I realize this is coming from a less than official source, but try to keep the uncertainty and relative shadiness out of answers as much as possible. Also, wasn't sure whether this should go into human relations or law & gov't - hopefully it's in the right spot.)

I need to sell half a house to a family member, and I don't know how.

Savannah — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 20:25:05 -0800

How do I sell half a house to my brother, who’s living there? My only sibling and I have inherited our late parents’ house as part of the estate. He’s currently living in it, and is happy to stay and is interested in buying my half out. I don’t want half the house; I do want the money. How do we go about concluding this transaction? Do we get a lawyer to draw up the paperwork necessary? Is a realtor involved? I’ve never done anything like this at all, and since it involves asking for money, and the consequences of death, I’ve been procrastinating, as both things make me either uncomfortable or sad. However, we would like some money, and the longer this goes on, the longer my brother lives rent-free, which isn’t really fair. (But I haven’t raised the issue of that with him, so it’s my loss, and I don’t intend to contest it.)

How do we get this deal done and over with? I assume my brother will need to make the payment in certified funds of some sort. I’m in a different city than he and the house; we are both in British Columbia (Canada). Tax consequences I should be aware of?

Any pointers would be great, and then I’ll finally have no excuse for this procrastination. Thank you.

How can I help my sister and brother love each other again?

wv kay in ga — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 20:01:06 -0800

My brother and sister haven't spoken to each other in over a year. I love them both and wish they could resolve their issues, but is it really my business? Is there anything I can do? I am the oldest, my sister is the youngest and my brother is in the middle. We lost both of our parents to cancer fairly recently (2003-2004) and obviously that has changed our family dynamic. My sister holds grudges against him for his tormenting her when she was younger (you're ugly, your ears are big, I hate you, etc.) as well as other more significant issues when our parents were ill and dying. They had a back and forth e-mail battle that finally ended when I asked them both to please stop it. However, their animosity towards each other remains and neither one will give. My question is, should I try to patch things up between them and if so, how? Obviously, this is not the whole story, but just the facts in a nutshell.

Why do my cats suddenly hate each other?

kdar — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 22:20:13 -0800

My cats have suddenly become very aggressive towards each other. What gives? They're brother and sister, about three years old. I've had them since they were 10 weeks, and a week ago we moved into an apartment in Brooklyn from DC. This will be the fourth apartment they've lived in, and beyond the standard play fighting, they've never been even remotely aggressive towards each other. They've always taken moves very well, and this one is no exception; after being skittish for a day or so, they livened right up and made themselves at home. They were last at the vet less than a year ago for their yearly checkup, and they got their rabies and other boosters when they were there.

Until now: I woke up this morning to girl cat hissing and growling at boy cat. This is very strange; last night they were being their sweet, affectionate selves towards each other, and it seemed like someone flipped a switch overnight. I thought it might go away after a day at work, but it's continuing, and I'm worried.

So, what can I do about this?

Finding a long lost sibling

smorange — Sun, 22 Jul 2007 23:40:22 -0800

Seeking out a biological sibling, given up for adoption when she was born. How? Bad idea? First: I know her birth name and her adopted given name. I know she made contact with my mother about 10 years ago, but I don't know the details. Based on this, is it possible to find someone in Canada? Do I have to ask my mother for more details? Second: Is this a bad idea? My reasons for doing so are 1) curiosity; and 2) to let her know about a medical issue that arose subsequent to her meeting with my mother. Honestly, though, I'm motivated by curiosity.

Was Warren the Something About Mary?

smallstatic — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 17:15:55 -0800

Does anyone have any input on the dating prospects, histories, etc. of an only sibling of a mentally retarded person? I’m 30, and just out of an engagement. And because I don’t feel like I can confidently move on to a new relationship without figuring out what the heck went wrong with the prior, I have been thinking quite a bit about the dynamic of my last relationship. In considering it, I’m wondering if a lot of our/my issues weren’t related to my relationship to my sister and my role in our family generally. So, I’m hoping either siblings of retarded folks, or the friends and family who know them, could weigh in on their relationships and how they think the dynamic may have impacted their finding a life partner.

For my part, I’m exceedingly type A and like to be organized and get a lot of things accomplished in my days. I like busy. Busy suits me. I also tend to be fairly managerial in my disposition, or at least I was before my break up. (I like to think my natural charm and sense of humor balance this stuff out – ha ha, oh god, I hope so.) I just finished a J.D., going part time at night and working full time during the day. It was brutal. I met my ex-fiance during my first year and we became engaged last summer. We moved in together after a year of dating. He is the polar opposite of me in just about every way, which I thought, and everyone still tells me, was the right idea. He is very laid back, patient, and caring. He is by far the nicest person I have ever met and that is why I ultimately decided to marry him - because of how incredibly, unbelievably gentle and nice he is. He is working on getting his second bachelor’s (didn’t tag that base on the first round) in industrial design. He also has some very clearly identifiable attention and organizational issues. At first, we got along swimmingly. It was when we moved in together that I just began to totally lose it on a regular basis – the stress of living with him (and aaaaalllll of his stuff) was at times unbearable.

And that’s where this question comes in. Towards the end there, I really began to regard him as I had my sister. (I know – terrible – but yet, so true.) I was wildly frustrated with so many things and yet felt very much trapped in the relationship – I was pushing 30 after all - and felt like I had to exercise just about as much patience as I could muster on a daily basis. There was also the issue of being in school and just not having any time or energy to properly be in the relationship and work on it.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Or at least like a likely pattern? Do any (only) siblings of mentally retarded folks get into relationships with people that they’re much more dominant than or feel like they have to take care of?

Thanks all,
~ss

PS If anyone wants to weigh in on where they think I might have gone wrong in this scenario generally, that is welcome too.

Can we avert disaster? (mental-illness-legal-issues filter)

shelbaroo — Sat, 26 May 2007 14:04:50 -0800

My adult brother with various mental health issues (living at home with my parents in the Chicago area – near north suburbs) keeps going off and doing self-destructive...and illegal stuff. It’s getting worse, and it can’t go on. We’re clueless and scared. Help us, HiveMind! So much Ah, me…where to begin?

My baby brother (mid-30’s) has always carried a host of developmental disabilities -- learning problems, inability to socialize, etc. Not classically autistic, but possibly Asperger’s-like, and he was diagnosed nearly a decade ago with schizophrenia (of the negative symptom variety). Since then he’s been on a host of meds in an attempt to control a whole soup of this and other mental health problems, including compulsive tendencies, depression, etc.

It is the compulsive behavior that is causing the greatest issues. Over the past several years my bro has engaged in a series of problematic activities that share the features that (1) he clearly lacks both control of and good judgment over them; and (2) they’ve been about trying to get/make money. Highlights of the downward spiral:
- (6-7 yrs ago): obsessive purchase/collection of videos…which at some point, having spent all his money on them, he decided to sell on ebay (probably making back 1/10 of what he spent, but I imagine “feeling” like he was making money)
- (1.5 - 5 years ago): Working in a low-level office job and blowing much of his earned income on impulse purchases. Discovers online gambling, gets into that, blows the rest of his money and more. Starts being a “bad” ebay seller, trying to sell stuff he doesn’t have on hand and then stuff he doesn’t have at all. Discovers the power of the internets to provide just about anyone with a credit card at predatory terms, and blows money he doesn’t have at said terms. Debt racks up.
- (about 1.5 years ago): Brother gets caught after signing a client check over to himself. Police are involved, but no charges are pressed – it’s obvious to all that he’s no criminal mastermind, just a messed up guy and somewhat lost soul. He is fired from job, though.
- Since then, it’s been too much free time to get into trouble, and the obsession with money (and stunted legitimate avenues to get it) remains. Nearly a year ago it was discovered that he’d stolen my mom’s identity (both their names are on a bank account, since she has requested control of his SSI checks) to open other credit and rack up a few thousand dollars in charges there. After some frustrating failed efforts to get the credit card company to negate the charges (which might have been more successful if they’d been willing to send my brother to jail), they decided to just try to gradually pay it off. They got my brother connected to a program where a psychiatric social worker came to the house weekly; no one knows much about what actually was accomplished during these sessions, but a few weeks ago my brother told the SW to stop coming, and he did.

Now, the other day my grandfather mentions offhand that money has been mysteriously flowing out of his own bank account. After some investigation, our fears that my brother is at it again are confirmed. I’m fuzzy on the exact details of what and how, but I understand it involves another fraudulent account using the fact that my grandfather and mom have a joint account together. We’re talking about $10K here. My grandfather is understandably upset but compassionate about the situation. My parents are heartbroken and at their wits’ end.

Prior to this last straw, my parents’ approach has been to figure out how to get things just out of crisis mode, see that things seem calmed down, normalize the new state of affairs, and then hope and pray that the underlying problem has gone away. They’re good, loving folks and intelligent people, but life has thrown one setback after another at them, and so they have tended to tread water, moving from one crisis to the next.

The situation is simply no longer tenable, either from a short-term or long-term standpoint.

Short term: at this rate, the kid will land himself in jail! Believe me, he wouldn’t make it there. In addition, this pattern is clearly only getting worse, my brother has led himself to financial ruin, and he’s taking the family with him. My parents are in their early 60’s, earn only a modest income, and have I’m sure a slew of financial worries that go well beyond this. Perhaps most importantly, it's obvious that he's just not getting the kind of care that he needs. My parents can feed him, clothe him, and house him...but that's clearly not all that's needed here.

Long term: no one’s getting younger, and my parents now acknowledge that the (co)dependent situation they have enabled with my brother is unfair to me and my new family. What will become of him when they are gone? I love my brother and my family very much, but I need to love him from a protected distance, knowing that he’s reasonably well cared for -- I’ve worked hard to escape the chaos of my family of origin, and I don’t want my own life, marriage, etc. to be hijacked by inheriting his unmanaged issues as my responsibility. That might make me seem like an unkind or ungenerous person, but I do know myself and what I am and am not equipped to handle.

At this point, my immediate goals for the situation are to (1) identify any/all options and resources I can that can help my family figure out the best strategies, decisions, etc. for the highest good of all concerned; and (2) find ways to be supportive of my family, given that I do not live near them and am very limited in my ability to get back “home” and help out in person.

I would love to hear any advice or recommendations from anyone who has been or knows someone who has been in a similar family situation, or simply any MeFi social-worker types who can point the way to how one goes about finding a path through this kind of mire. I’ve found paulsc’s wonderful comments on previous posts but wonder if there’s more or more specific advice available for my family’s situation. I’ve referred my parents to get in touch with the local chapter of NAMI for starters. What else?

- short-term – What are the options for handling the immediate fiscal/legal issues created here? What kind of supports should my family be recruiting, and what’s the best way to find them? Are there good practical options for helping to keep my brother out of trouble with this sort of activity while we try to deal with the underlying issues?

- near-to-long-term – What kinds of supervised living arrangements might be available and appropriate for my brother? What would those situations be like? What do we need to do to prepare as a family for that sort of thing?

Chicago-area-specific suggestions, referrals, etc. are most especially welcome.

I need a fake ID detector!

Anonymous — Wed, 16 May 2007 18:30:04 -0800

Members of my family conspired to create a false identity for a sibling years ago--mine! How can I ensure that this ID is no longer being used? In the 1990s, I applied for my first driver's license and discovered that a sibling already had a state ID card (non-driver) in my name, but with their home address on it. They also had a warrant out for "my" arrest. It turned out that a family member had given the sibling a copy of my birth certificate. With some help from a lawyer, I was able to clear the warrant and obtain my own license.

While helping organize another relative's papers, I have found some of their canceled checks from around the same period that, while made out to my name, were not signed by me. I'm 99.4% certain that the signer is this same sibling. Great, looks like most of my family was aware of this identify fraud and helped it to happen, yay me!

I'm older and wiser now, and am concerned, while I did get my own driver's license and the warrant struck from my record, that this false identity might still be in use. I would not put it past my sibling, especially if they found themselves in an awkward situation they would rather not take responsibility for.

Without confronting anyone in the family, since they will just lie or yell, is there any way that I can look into DMV or other public records to determine if this ID is still being used? This all happened in California.

For any follow up questions or private messages, I can be reached at siblingrivalry@hushmail.com. Thanks.

Term for a hypothetic opposite-gendered self?

greatgefilte — Sun, 04 Feb 2007 21:58:39 -0800

Is there a term for a male's relationship to the baby that would've been born had he been endowed with two X chromosomes, or vice versa?

Opposite Siblings?

geekhorde — Thu, 27 Jul 2006 02:18:56 -0800

What are the odds of a sibling inheriting the absolute opposite complement of chromosomes from their parents compared to another sibling? It has to be a pretty slim but not zero chance, right?

Help me tell my nearly 3-yr old about his new sibling.

selfmedicating — Wed, 14 Dec 2005 13:15:27 -0800

Help me tell my nearly 3-yr old about his new sibling. The baby is due in early August. Since we'll tell the grandparents over Christmas, should we tell our son first so he can take part in the excitement too? Or keep it secret because it's too far away for him to understand? I remember being quite jealous at age 5 when my own brother was born so I'm nervous about this whole transition. Parents of mefi, share your stories! What worked, what didn't?

Adopted person searching for biological parents - give me your anecdotes

exlotuseater — Mon, 13 Dec 2004 20:09:57 -0800

I am an adoptee, and this AskMe post motivated me to ask- to any of you who are A) adopted and searching, or B) adopted and have found Bparents or siblings or C) have anecdotes on how friends have found parents or siblings.... How did You/They eventually find their kin?
I am all over message boards, registries, etc. I'm looking for other options. Any input appreciated.