Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with shyness

I don't want to be the jealous girl.

cucumber patch — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 01:52:33 -0800

How do you dust yourself off and carry on after shy and awkward days? And how can I stop fixating on, comparing myself to, and feeling envious of a social, extroverted classmate? I guess the best way to clarify is with an example.

Background 1: I was recently tasked to take some exchange students on a tour of our home city. This is part of a university exchange program where we entertain them for a few weeks, and later will get the chance to travel overseas and visit their city. I was asked directly by one of my professors to do this, because I'd expressed interest in an exchange last year, and I was really pleased that he'd remembered me.

Background 2: There's a girl in my year who's very chatty and sociable. She prides herself on knowing who everyone is and is able to strike up a conversation with almost anyone. She also likes to make sure she's involved in school events, especially the ones involving networking, and has an uncanny ability get insider info and pull strings to get what she wants. Now, I know these are all qualities of an excellent networker, and I fully admit that any negative connotations in this paragraph are due to my own issues. I think she mostly gets on my nerves because although we have many sociable people in our year, she's the only one who does it so ... loudly. And by loudly I mean:

-- Inserting herself into conversations (in big groups this is okay, but when I'm trying to talk one-on-one with someone? ugh.)
-- Inviting herself along to events (sometimes I've discussed plans with other people not realising she's within earshot, only to have her say, "what's this, what's this?" and -- because we're a tight-knit cohort -- we'll be unable to turn her down when she wants to come along.)
-- Name-dropping, though I think probably unintentionally ("oh Dave lives in that building! Don't you know Dave? From second year?")
-- Saying hi to everyone who passes within eyesight (this only bothers me when we're partnered up and supposed to be doing work)
-- Her modus operandi is flirting, especially with the guys. This point of irritation is probably just my self-esteem talking. Though I do think it's unfair that some girls can use their looks to get ahead, from what classmates have told me that's not what draws guys in - it's her incredible ability to make small talk and put people at ease. Hell, half the time even I light up when she talks to me.

She's tolerated in our year level because she's younger than most of us (she's 20). And I want to note that I try my damndest to keep all this bitterness inside my head, and stay away from gossiping or venting about her to other classmates (though I've slipped with close friends). I really do try not to let on how irrationally annoying I find her, because that would be unprofessional.

Anyway, let's call her Olivia.

Last week while I was emailing a reply to my professor in the computer lab, she came up behind me, looked at my screen and said: "ooooh, what's that?" I explained about the exchange students and we chatted a bit, and then she cocked her head and went: "so.. how did you get into this?" And I knew something was brewing.

The tour was yesterday and I don't feel it went as well as I'd hoped. I consider myself a fairly social person too, but I was exhausted from morning class and found it a struggle to make small talk with the students and staff over the language barrier and my low energy. I'd brought a friend along and let him lead the tour, as it turned out he knew the city better than me. The students were all very nice, but afterwards I felt like I hadn't made any real connection and wondered whether it would've even made a difference if I hadn't come.

After the tour we were to hand them off to some older students for dinner, and the exchange students invited my friend and I along. When we got to the restaurant, lo and behold, there was Olivia sitting with the delegation of older students and waving at us. I actually felt my heart sink. For the rest of the dinner Olivia proceeded to charm the pants off the exchange staff and students while I sat there like my quiet high school self again.

Today there was supposed to be a welcome reception for the students, but I cited prior arrangements and went home instead. I know.. I gave up. I just couldn't face being there while Olivia was there. She's taking the students out clubbing tomorrow night as well, and I can't join because clubbing isn't my thing. I know I sound really bitter about all of this. I guess I just felt like I could have something for once that she wouldn't stick her nose into. I feel like I've just handed this whole opportunity over to her without a fight, and that I've let my professor down. I feel like I'm forcing myself to be someone I'm not -- a leader rather than a follower. I want to be able to do what she does, but I can't. :/

What can I do to save face, MeFites? How can I stop beating myself up over my insecurities?

Help me define some specific social skills-- which skills are necessary?

reenka — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 15:31:17 -0800

I see a lot of people refer to 'social skills' as an amorphous entity that encompasses being 'good with people', or apply extraverted-individual standards to define them (such as 'mingling at parties' or 'engaging in small-talk'). What I'd like to see is a set of actual skills, something like 'the skill of knowing how to write longhand', or 'the skill of tuning a piano': really specific and concrete, with broad applications regardless of one's lack of desire to mingle at parties or in bars. I guess I'd like to know what the hive mind thinks are the specific skills necessary to succeed in college (that is, with professors and/or fellow students) or with professionals in a semi-informal working environment. Bonus for specific skills needed for a teacher. Bonus-plus for breaking down any skill into aspects or components. One thing that doesn't apply (at least in my case) is stuff like 'paying attention to people' or 'developing empathy' (which I've seen online and consider really overly broad and not super-useful); neither do I mean something like 'dressing neatly' and 'remember personal hygiene'-- it's not a skill if it's common sense and/or something you choose not to do for some reason. It's interesting to me because a lot of what people consider 'social skills' is unrelated to 'people skills' such as fashion or hygiene; regardless, I don't want to go into that. Take it as a given that people are better predisposed if you've learned how to brush your hair and button your shirt, don't loudly eat your lunch at meetings, and don't yawn broadly when speaking to someone.

I personally am very perceptive of 'the mood' in most situations; my general problem, such as it is, is that I sort of ignore it and do whatever I want (within limits of not getting too much attention-- ie, funny looks). A lot of the perception-based advice doesn't apply to me-- but people assume that if you 'get it', you'll just follow through. This isn't the case. I don't have the mental energy to go out of my way to play 'people games', though I should do it more. A lot of it is just that I'm lazy and prefer the path of least resistance-- so what I need is the specific stuff I have to do if I want to invite people I've already known or have contacted to be predisposed (rather than simply not offending random strangers-- or on the other hand, attracting random strangers at parties). I also want to reiterate that I don't really want to ever achieve the level of a person who believes 'social skills' means calling up all your friends every week (or day!) and saying 'hi, how's your chickens?' There are extraverts like this, or rather extraverts who believe this only to be expected. I will never be like this, nor do I want to be.

One example is a person I was talking to who accused me of the faux pas of not asking them personal questions in conversation. Generally, I do know (or 'perceive') that this is how people relate to each other; typically of my attitude, however, I ignore it 'cause I don't find it 'necessary' and have gotten away with depending on others questioning me and/or (preferably) the natural flow of conversation being sufficient. Another example is the above: I ramble. I sort of know rambling is not really 'on' for most people, and they think it's weird and sometimes off-putting: but to what degree is conciseness a social skill in informal situations? Clear, concise and direct communication is an obvious good, but is it a necessary skill to have in social contexts (outside interviews and calls to the credit card company, etc)? These are just examples. I really just want to know what we're talking about when we're talking about social skills (especially for students and/or teachers).

I just skip the banquets

redlines — Sat, 05 Jan 2013 21:15:57 -0800

How do I learn to be less shy in professional situations with groups of strangers? I'm in academia, and often attend conferences where I don't know many people. The institutions I've attended are prestigious but very small, so there isn't typically a big cohort in attendance. I also do a lot of interdisciplinary work, and it ends up that my research doesn't align directly with most of the scholarship in a given discipline, so people generally aren't familiar with my name. (I mean, I'm not well-known or anything even within my subfield, but it's worse when I step into a venue outside it.)

I'd really like to make connections at conferences, or at least, not wander around like a lost dog, but I find it intimidating to approach people and introduce myself. I've tried striking up academic conversations at posters, but that usually doesn't lead anywhere.

Part of my difficulty is my personality -- I'm introverted and shy, only started training myself to feel at ease around people a few years back, and have a somewhat stiff body language (which I'm trying to overcome) that is amplified in awkward situations. Part of it may also be that I'm female in disciplines that are very male-dominated. I find it reasonably easy to proactively meet other young women at conferences, but there are only a small number of them.

Any ideas for (1) being less socially awkward in general among strangers and (2) how to work the room at conferences when you don't know anyone?

help me be sexy

Anonymous — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 10:12:51 -0800

How do I be seductive? I'm a female who has never made a physical move on a guy (age: early 30's). I tend to act reserved and stiff when nervous.

So, I have this situation I'd like advice on:

A guy I have been friends with for more than 2 years (we used to be co-workers) is moving back into town tomorrow (was on an extended work leave) and just broke up with his girlfriend. (they had been having problems for awhile).

There's always been a lot of sexual tension between us, I like him a lot, and he seems to be attracted to me. Well, he asked what I was doing for new year's and I invited him out with some friends for dinner. He asked, "what are the plans after dinner? I need to tell my roommate when I will get home because I don't have keys to my new apartment yet" (lol)

So, I just told him he could stay at my place. (which is what I had wanted anyhow).

Um, so, my question? I am really shy, and he isn't particularly shy, but he is several years younger than me (and is not really an alpha-type guy). My concern is that neither of us will make a move. I've never been in a situation like this, honestly.

Can you guys give me some tips on:
-how to relax ( I'm planning to have some wine)
-how to flirt
how to make him comfortable
-how not be awkward
-if there is anything I should keep in mind considering he just ended a relationship (i asked him how he felt, he said "sad and relieved"

note: it doesn't have to be full-on sex, I am fine with moving slowly.

Shy and Unlucky in Love

Anonymous — Tue, 18 Dec 2012 17:27:17 -0800

Help me figure out why I'm so unlucky with romance Yes, sorry, another question on this familiar topic. But of course, slightly different.

I'm female, almost 34 (but look younger and with lots of younger friends, if that is somehow relevant).

I'm shy but can be friendly, have a decent amount of friends, people tell me I am kind.

Appearance-wise, well, on a good day i think I look cute. I work out almost every single day, I take care of myself. I'm not a fashion maven and don't wear much makeup but I like to choose flattering clothes and sometimes enjoy putting outfits together. So, Ido n't think a hideous appearance is standing in the way...

But there is something going on here. I've had no long-term relationships, just flings with very unsuitable guys (one who was gay, one who was uneducated and untrustworthy, one who was just not on the same page as me.)

I know the no long-term relationship yet is not that big a deal. In some ways I choose that because I am independent and enjoy spending time alone.

I have quite a few male friends...and in the past I have expressed interest in a couple and they didn't return it. This just happened...with a guy I thought had been vibing on me...he happily told me today he has a new girlfriend. I told him how I felt (to explain why I didn't think we could hang out anymore) and he said he only liked me as a friend). I was crushed. This happened before, a few years ago, the same thing, and I was devasted then and afterwards became afraid to tell guys if I liked them.

A friend gave me the feedback that I am shy and hard to get close to so guys don't think I am interested.And a lot of timesI am not interested at first because it takes me time to get to know someone.But how do I change that?

Or else there is something else about me? What is it? Or how do I figure it out? I do want to love someone and be in a relationship but it never seems to happen.

There have been guys who have expressed interest, but they all just seemed...not right.

Sometimes i think that I only like guys who are not right for me.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? I'd really appreciate any advice at all. I am really hurting.

Improve my social skills with points, levels, and prizes

Dances with sock puppets — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 12:00:25 -0800

Do you have suggestions/recommendations for games and/or desensitization practices with the objective of improving social skills? Shyness and/or introversion filter. My goal is to improve my social skills, ranging from introducing myself to people (business situations), small talk (probably all situations), and tackling most aspects associated with shyness and/or introversion.

I've come to the conclusion that although reading books can be step 1, I need to practice these things, too.

I can be competitive, love games, and so my current idea is to compete against a friend who is also introverted and we will have certain goals and or things to practice...I am hoping that this desensitizes me to the voice in my head that says run the opposite direction.

I am looking for suggestions for any books, websites, etc. that may helped you improve your social skills; if you have run across resources that have used a gaming approach that would be helpful.

If this approach worked for you, would you be willing to share what things did or did not work for you to improve?

Or if there are better approaches that helped you improve social skills, decrease shyness, and/or mitigate introversion, would you share these ideas and/or point to those resources?

Why do my male coworkers pick on me?

jenh526 — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 20:29:10 -0800

Why do my male coworkers pick on me? I am 46 years old and have been picked on pretty much my whole life, starting around 12 years old. I'm female and the majority of the teasing has come from males.

I've heard most of my life that I am "too quiet", so I am guessing that is the reason why I am getting teased. But in the interest of full disclosure, I was trained in a different field (math) to the one I am currently working in (computers), so sometimes have to ask for help. I have to deal with men putting me down at work quite a bit (I worked as a scientific programmer for a long time but am currently working in an IT group). To give some examples:

- "... since she is the most important person in the group" (said sarcastically, as I was the most junior)
- "make sure you get her phone number in case you need help this weekend" (also said to elicit a laugh)
- "she can't do x and y at the same time"
- "even a small step is a big thing to her"
- "nothing's going to happen if you keep staring at a blank screen you know" (the machine didn't start up on my first try)
- "I don't know why you haven't killed yourself by now" (ha ha)

I don't understand this, as I've always gotten good reviews, and have always worked hard to do good work. Some of the reviews have even come from the same people who are openly badmouthing me (they call it "joking around" - but I don't find it funny). There are other women in my group and none of them get the treatment that I seem to draw.

Then they wonder why I don't want to talk to them.

Dating advice for shy people?

Anonymous — Sun, 28 Oct 2012 14:15:12 -0800

Dating advice for introverted/shy women (or men!)? I'm a little shy, very introverted and not at all aggressive. I tend to have two related problems in dating:
1. I don't know how to approach/ask out guys I'm interested in.
2. The only guys who ask me out are bold and aggressive, when I'd rather be with someone sweet and low-key.

I think my shyness makes me seem hard to approach or intimidating to people who are shy themselves. I don't make any moves on my own, and the only people who feel comfortable approaching me are outgoing enough to not be deterred by the wall I unconsciously build around myself. I'm ready for this to change. How can I make myself more approachable? How do I stop giving off this vibe that makes only aggressive guys confident enough to ask me out? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

How can I encourage my friend to come out of his shell?

strelitzia — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 09:28:21 -0800

O wisest MeFites, do you have any ideas about how to foster intimacy in a friendship with someone who is emotionally guarded and shut down? I have a friend that I adore, but by golly, he is a difficult person to get to know and be known by. I know that this person has a hard time opening up to people and is quite shy. The thing is, he has on rare occasions, shared some things with me that would be considered pretty personal. But then he clams up all over again and is emotionally distant. He's a great guy and I'd like to get to know him better, but I don't really know what to do to encourage him to open up more. I try to create a "safe" environment for him to be more transparent by listening well, sharing stuff about myself, offering encouragement, etc. I'm wondering if you folks have had a similar experience with a friend and if you have discovered anything that helps to "bring them out". Also, any ideas of activities that people can do together that can facilitate fun and trust in a relaxed atmosphere?

why can't I keep a job?

Anonymous — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 20:15:42 -0800

I keep getting fired from jobs, and I think my poor social skills play a major role. I don't know how to change this pattern. I recently graduated from college and I'm struggling to find and keep a minimum wage job so I can support myself while I intern in the career of my choice and study to apply for graduate school. I'm a bit older than most recent grads, in my late twenties.

I have a pattern of getting fired from minimum wage jobs and even when I'm able to hold onto one, I often get bad vibes from my supervisor. I haven't been able to figure out what it is, because I work like crazy. After speaking to a number of people who know me, the only thing I can point to is that my social awkwardness and lack of confidence make people assume I'm incompetent even if I'm actually doing fine work.

Here is a recent example. I spent months trying to find a job working part time at a cafe. I got a number of interviews but only one of them turned into a job (as a barista) and the person who hired me expressed misgivings about my slight shyness during the interview.

I put my all into the job and I really thought I was doing fine (I only made a couple of minor mistakes that I can think of during the training), so I was pretty shocked when they fired me a few days after I started. They told me I never really found my "comfort zone." I think the problem is I seem to come off as really anxious. It's true that I do feel nervous when I'm starting a new job, but this isn't something I know how to control. I also think something about my body language amplifies whatever I'm feeling, because even when I feel relatively calm people will give me the cold shoulder. Basically I don't know what it is that I'm doing but people get weird vibes from me and either don't like me or assume I'm incompetent or both. It doesn't help that I'm not great at small talk. This has been a life long struggle. I have a lot of difficulty making friends as well, although the friends I have made seem to really value me once they see past the surface.

I worry that if I can't even hold down a minimum wage job I"ll never be able to advance in a career. I wish it was just a matter of working harder, but I already *do* work to the max and that doesn't seem to help.

Any insight or advice about how to solve this problem?

Judge Dread

Team of Scientists — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 09:39:32 -0800

I know intellectually that I shouldn't worry so much about people judging me, yet my mind still goes there. Any advice/tips? I made a move to a new area/job about a year and a half ago, and some social anxiety flared up and got pretty bad for a while. I'm in the process of getting it under control, but I'm still at a point where even interactions with old friends and family can be uncomfortable without either taking anti-anxiety meds (I've been prescribed 0.5 mg of alprazolam, taken once daily if necessary) or having a few drinks.

I'd like to eventually get to a place where medication is no longer necessary to feel relaxed at work or with friends/family. I often have this pervasive worry that I'm being judged by these people.

The progress I've been making can be attributed to:

Journaling
Self-administered therapy (Feeling Good, Social Anxiety and Self Esteem Workbooks -- a therapist would be nice but difficult to fit into my budget right now)
Talking to a trusted friend
Medication
Balancing a sympathetic attitude with proper boundary-setting
A conscious effort to put myself out there a bit more

I've made some really good progress in the last few months, but I'm having trouble with this next hurdle: the worry that I'm being judged. It's especially apparent when I'm with someone who is socially confident, self-assured, etc. I know intellectually that it's a silly thing to worry about, but that worry still just kind of lingers underneath, making me feel self-conscious and anxious in situations where this anxiety is not really warranted. It makes it hard to relax and just have fun with people whose company I used to enjoy without any apprehension.

I think these worries will continue to recede as I continue to work at it, but it'd be nice to hear some handy tips/techniques from the community to maybe speed this process along.

How can a former shy person go from merely functional to friendly?

Anonymous — Thu, 07 Jun 2012 07:54:44 -0800

I used to be very shy. Through years of pushing myself (I'm 33 now), I've become pretty amazingly functional. But I find myself in an unexpected spot. While I very much want to be around people and I can now handle it without freezing up, my experience of actually being around people is one of gritted teeth and willpower. There's very little joy in it. In theory, I'd like nothing more than a bushel of friends hanging out in my kitchen on a Sunday night. In practice, I push myself into social situations like dunking my arm in freezing water, pulling it out with a huge sigh of relief as soon as I let myself. That's not a recipe for forging new friendships, which I know take time and certain amount of vulnerability. What can I do to take myself to the next level -- from functional to genuinely friendly? Do people ever make it to the next level? On the phobia scale, it's not enough for me to be able to let a spider crawl on my arm without having a panic attack, I need to be able to lay down in a cave full of spiders and love it. (I've been in therapy for a year, but aside from that, I'd like to hear from you all.)

How Do I Know if I'm Shy

sweetkid — Tue, 05 Jun 2012 19:48:54 -0800

How do I know if I'm shy? I was super shy as a kid and when I went to college, pretty much challenged myself to get over it. Check out this popular comment of mine to see the details of that.

So I went through the last 12 years or so feeling pretty sure that I'd kicked the shyness. I'd consider myself extroverted and I like to talk to new people. I'm not the loudest person in a room, but I'm far from a wallflower. I add new friends to my circle every few months ago, mostly through work or meeting friends of friends socially.

However, I've gotten some feedback lately that some people thought I was shy when I first met them, just a body language thing they said. Also, someone who knew me way back when I was a kid made a comment on Facebook that I'm still shy. I said I didn't think I was -- she said I am still shy.

In that particular case, I don't always consider that person well meaning, like I would others who might have said their first impression is that I'm shy. She might mean well, but we have such a long history with lots of sisterly fighting and plus, she remembered me as a shy kid (well we were both shy kids) and hasn't shaken that.

Anyway, it bothers me that I might still somehow come across as shy and have had no idea all this time, whether it's to people who've known me well or new impressions. How can I figure this out? I know it's hard to tell without knowing me in person but what characteristics do shy people put across that they may not realize?

I'm mostly interested in help with this because I think it might be hurting me career wise or with dating, and also because i might be keeping people from getting to know me closely. I don't need help making new friends, I'm ok with that!

Help a shy four year old who is missing out.

Ausamor — Sat, 02 Jun 2012 13:22:10 -0800

How to help my four-year-old better cope with his extreme shyness, so he doesn't keep missing out on things he wants to do? My four year old son has been shy since babyhood. We've always told him its OK to be shy, and when he is reluctant to do something we give him extra time to warm up, and remind him that he usually feels much more comfortable after some time has passed. Like many shy folks, he actually loves being the center of attention among familiar people. I've always considered it part of his temperment and haven't been too concerned.

But, for the first time, he's started to articulate that he is feeling sad to be shy, because he is missing out on things he really wants to do. To give a sense of the shyness level: For instance, he never does show and tell, even when he's built something he's proud of and clearly wants his friends to see. He opts out of carnival rides once it's clear that the unknown operator will have to belt him into the car. He is clearly the shyest kid in his class of 20, by a significant margin. He sometimes even feels shy walking in to see people that he's known forever and that we see on a weekly basis. On the other hand, once he's in the swing of things, he will generally speak up and participate as long as he's not put on the spot.

Since he's expressing that it's bothering him, I want to find gentle ways to help him feel less overwhelmed by his shyness, so he can do the things he wants to. As an extremely not-shy person, I have no insight into this. Hubby is a shy-kid turned quiet-but-sociable adult, but is stumped as well. Internet/doctor advice seems geared to much older kids, or uselessly vague. I value any suggestions!

Me : Extrovert. She : Introvert. Can this relationship survive? Should it?

Sloop John B — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 09:42:36 -0800

Me : Extrovert. She : Introvert. Can this relationship survive? Should it? My girlfriend and I have been together for about 9 months. The first 6 were pretty much constant honeymoon period; it's like someone was giving me a new puppy every minute of every day. We fell for each other completely and totally, sappy text messages and everything. However, my doubts set in about 3 months ago, and now I find myself wondering if I should break up with her. I don't know if I'm just feeling the normal letdown everyone feels after the honeymoon period is over, or if it's a deeper incompatibility that we cannot work past.

First, the good : we're very compatible on many levels. Basically, we have a really good time together. We could spend an eternity holding each other and talking to each other and making each other laugh. We love going on hikes, cooking together, going to museums and concerts, discovering hidden parts of the city, or just snuggling up on the couch and watching Mad Men. We have equally high libidos. Neither of us wants to have children. Her family loves me. Although many of our interests are in different areas, I definitely see her as an intellectual equal. Many of our strengths are complimentary; in a lot of ways, we make a good team. I love her, and if she were gone from my life, I'd feel an great aching emptiness.

Now, the bad : the introvert/extrovert thing. Didn't think this would be a big deal, but it's become an issue.

Basically, I'm a big 'ol extrovert. I love going out and being around people. If I don't have at least a certain number of friends that I see on a regular basis, I start to feel lonely and isolated. More than that, I try to always be meeting new friends and going to events where I don't know a lot of people. This is something I'm absolutely unwilling to change. I am not willing to have a diminished social life.

She is an introvert. She doesn't like to meet new people. She doesn't like going to parties where she doesn't know a lot of people. She doesn't like dinner parties at restaurants. She doesn't need or want to have a large group of friends. She's basically said that she doesn't like most people, and feels like she doesn't have anything to talk to them about. She doesn't make friends easily; the last time she had a group of friends was in college, and they all live in different places now. She keeps in touch with them pretty much constantly over Skype and Facebook, but hasn't really made any new friends since she graduated a couple years ago.

This isn't to say that she's completely *opposed* to meeting new people. She enjoys hanging out with some of my friends, and enjoys some social events. For example, going to dinner with one other couple is usually fine. And she seems to do well at house parties where she knows most of the people. However, at a number of social events, she's just sat there the whole time and not said a single thing. This wasn't a big deal at first, but it's become a big deal, and it's come to the point where I'm not okay with it anymore.

From the beginning, there've been nights where we'd go our separate ways : I'd go to a burning man party where I didn't know a lot of people, and she'd go off with a friend to a dance club. However, it seems like the list of "social things we can't do together" has grown somewhat. She's perfectly okay with letting me go off and do my own thing socially. However, I'm starting to wonder if *I* am cool with that.

Ideally, I'd have a mate who's as social as I am, or at least not an introvert. She'd have her own set of friends and events to introduce me to. She'd accompany me to parties and gatherings, and make new friends right along with me. However, I also realize that I could die alone waiting for my ideal mate to come around. I'm a weird, oddball, non-standard person, with an odd (but not unsavory!) past and an odd mindset. I feel lucky to have found someone who isn't totally scared off by that. So, while it may be tempting to shout, "DTMFA", please realize that I have a lot of reasons to want to keep this relationship going.

About a week ago, we went to yet another dinner party where she was silent the whole time, so I confronted her about it later in the evening. Really, I felt like a jerk bringing it up because I could imagine people have been talking to her about this her whole life. But having a silent girlfriend at a dinner party is a really awkward situation for me, and I just couldn't leave it alone anymore. This is basically what I got from her :
1) She claims that she's silent around people because "she doesn't have anything to say". To me, this sounds like she's insulting herself, but I get that some people just aren't into small talk.
2) She says that it takes her "a while to warm up to people". Okay, fine. But she's known most of my friends for longer than 6 months, and still doesn't feel comfortable around them?
3) She would someday like to be more social. She'd like to be able to go to a dinner party at a restaurant and make conversation with people. But at the same time, she hinted that shyness is a part of her personality, and that I need to accept it. This is difficult for me, because I see shyness as a mostly-negative personality trait, or at least something to overcome.

The last month has been kinda rough; neither of us are fighters -- we've never had a fight -- but we've had an increased number of "I'd rather you didn't do that" conversations. When she sends me sappy text messages now, I feel disingenuous replying. Even more, when she talks about wanting to be with me "forever", part of me kinda winces inside. I've even started to look forward to dating again, even though I *hate* dating, absolutely *hate* it, and am not even very good at it. She's noticed a change in me; or at least, she's acknowledged that the last month "has been kinda weird". Basically, it's gotten to the point where I either need to (A) break up with her, or (B) CHILL THE FUCK OUT, accept that much of my social life will be solo, try to help her where I can, and patiently wait for her to feel more comfortable in social situations.

Anyway, there's no need to post a link to the Introvert's Manifesto, or any of the online discussions or articles where introverts explain that their minds just work differently. Trust me, I've read lots of that stuff. The question here is not "what is an introvert?" but "can I stay in a relationship with this introvert?"

How to Get What I Want

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 06:52:54 -0800

How do I, an early-30's woman, get what I want when it comes to dating and sex? I would really love some advice about dating and sex. It seems I can never get what I want. I know that's an old refrain, and there might not be anything I can do about it. But if there is something I can do, I would really like to know.

My situation is like this: everyone I like is unavailable in some way; the guys that like me and are available, I just never get enthusiastic about. I usually give these guys more than one chance- go out a few times, etc. I just don't want to prolong things if I am not feeling it. Should I be prolonging things more?

I'm a pretty romantic and emotional person, and I really want a connection with a partner. However, at the same time, I am somewhat of a free spirit and not really looking to get tied into a commitment unless I know it's really right. In the meantime, I still would like to have a sexual partner. But I DON'T want to have meaningless or bad sex. (I'd rather have nothing). I just don't know at all how to go about finding this kind of arrangement. I don't want a "fuck buddy", yet I don't necessarily need a commitment. But I have no idea how to signal to a man that I am not an easy, casual hookup while at the same time I want to have sex. part of the issue is that I live in a pretty sexually conservative country (where I am not originally from).

I am wondering if anyone with experience can give me some tips. Should I flirt more? Are there certain places I should go? I know that part of the problem is my shyness. But I don't know how to get over that.

FWIW, I think I am decently attractive, and sometimes get approached by guys (but I never feel attracted to them when I am, sigh). I wouldn't mind approaching guys myself, but again, how?

Also, I am on an online dating site in this country, but it is really a lot to weed through and I can't get a good sense of what the guys are like, partly because the site is not in English. I'd much prefer to meet people in person.

Also...is it ok to hang out with guys romantically interested in me, as "friends"? Or is that not fair to them?

BTW- This is not a temporary or new situation. I have never had a romantic relationship lasting more than a couple months.

I hope my question is clear. I was hoping others who have been in this situation and found their way out would have a few words of advice.

How do I refrain from embarrassing myself at my prospective grad school?

Dorinda — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 10:02:33 -0800

How can I overcome (or at least convincingly mask) my near-paralytic shyness and social awkwardness before my upcoming GradSchool visits? Help! I'm a very special snowflake... I've been accepted into two top-tier English PhD programs (hooray!) and am waiting on the results of my other apps. I've been invited to visit both campuses for a recruitment weekend (school pays all expenses), and along with the rest of the admitted cohort, I will be traveling to these schools in the coming weeks. The purpose of the visits is NOT to conduct interviews (admissions process is complete, I'm in and they are essentially trying to woo me..awww, shucks!) so there is no real "pressure" for these visits......

HOWEVER: I am incredibly shy, and ridiculously awkward, especially in situations where I feel intimidated or have a tremendous amount of respect for the people I'm supposed to be interacting with (definitely the case here). I'd really like to make a good impression not only on the Profs who I will be working under, but also with the other students in whose company I will be wasting away for the better part of the next decade. I am practically incapable of carrying on a "normal"/"friendly" conversation without a bajillion super-awkward silences while I try to think of something appropriate to say, and I would rather DIE than initiate conversation with a stranger or (god forbid!) a superior.
So, beautiful and socially capable MeFites, what are some strategies I can employ during these visits? How can I make them into enjoyable/useful/informative experiences (which is what they are meant to be) instead of trips into the bowels of introvert hell?

How do a Shy Girl and a Shy Guy Get Together?

oceanview — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 23:35:00 -0800

How do I approach a shy guy, or how do shy guys like to be approached? I have a mad crush on a guy at work. I haven't had one of these since i-don't-know-when. I've taken to barely looking at him cuz I'm embarassed that he might know that I'm totally crushing on him. Maybe it's one-sided, but I feel an energy when I'm near him.

We work in different departments and are both seasonal staff so potential romance won't necessarily jeopardize our jobs.

The thing is, we're BOTH super-shy types who are bad at small talk. Him a tad more than me. If we walk past each other, half the time he's too shy to look at me and if I say Hi, he often doesn't even make a peep. The other day I was in his department looking for something. I asked him if he knows where I could find it and he kinda froze up. I saw what I was looking for a few seconds later, and said "It's OK, I see it now." Again, not a peep. I'm frankly baffled to meet someone more socially awkward than me.

He is well-liked by people, and I do see him talking with his department mates sometimes, so he's not necessarily unfriendly... though he definitely has a charming awkwardness to him.

Part of me is resigned to nothing happening because I have no clue what to do. If you were me, and you wanted to see if there was a chance with this guy for you, what would you do?

Or, if you are a shy guy, how would you like a woman who's possibly interested in you to interact with you? Would you want her to bluntly ask you out? Try to engage you in conversation for a while first?

Hey, I don't really want to hug her, either.

Bardolph — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 04:25:55 -0800

Unwilling toddlers and forced social interactions with adults: is it OK to instruct your child to (for instance) hug Great-Aunt Maisie, when she'd prefer not to? As my 2.5-year-old daughter has advanced into the toddler years, I've increasingly marvelled at the pressure other adults place on young kids to engage with them socially. Sometimes we're talking low-level interactions like saying "Hi" back to the checkout lady, but during this last month of holiday visiting, my daughter has also been expected to give out hugs and sit still for cheek kisses from various funny-smelling old people, to sit close by random uncles when opening gifts, to ride on Great-Grandma's lap in her wheelchair at the nursing home, etc., etc. I understand the grown-up impulse to want to cuddle, touch, and otherwise make much of a small child in a ruffly dress; but I also sort of resent people's placing pressure on a toddler to accord them unearned physical and social intimacy, often to a degree that'd never be expected of an adult. I also feel-- perhaps mistakenly?-- that people demand much more of this sort of interaction from girls than they would from boys.

I'm wondering how other parents have struck a balance between teaching kids to be polite and to interact effectively in social situations-- and not to hurt the feelings of elderly, lonely relatives-- while still raising children who are capable of setting their own boundaries when appropriate. I think I tend to default to supporting the wishes of the adult-- "Go ahead, give Grandma a hug, sweetie!"-- and my daughter (who's a shy, quiet, obedient type) generally complies without comment; but the look of passive discomfort on her face makes me worry that I might somehow be creating a pattern of placing others' demands over her own feelings. On the other hand, as an introvert myself, it's been my experience that that's kind of what socializing is: a long series of uncomfortable and tiresome interactions that you submit to because other people seem to expect it. I'd just like to be sure I can get my daughter to the point of dinner-party proficiency while stopping short of making her a future doormat or victim.

If anybody has a good set of rules to follow in these circumstances, I'd love to hear about it. Parental strategies for politely deflecting other people's advances, when necessary, would also be most welcome. Thanks!

[Oh, and just to clarify, I'm of course not talking about interactions that are legitimately inappropriate or dangerous here; no caresses from random strangers on the bus, absolutely unsupervised time with distant relatives of either sex. Just wondering how far to permit or promote the everyday, safe, yet impertinent intimacies that people seem to feel they have a right to expect from your average adorable toddler.]

How to ask for phone numbers

Anonymous — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 18:59:11 -0800

How do I ask for a woman's phone number in a non-creepy way? So, I'm a guy in my forties who's only ever dated one woman in my life, and when we met, she volunteered her number without my asking. So the upshot is, I find myself newly single after many years of marriage, and no idea how one goes about asking for contact info. Despite my shyness and social anxiety, I'm getting better than I used to be at initiating conversations in bars, and several times I've had a great time talking to someone -- only to go home frustrated after being unable to take the next step. My fear is that she'll think something like, "geez, he seemed like such a nice guy to talk to, but now it turns out he just wants to get in my pants like all the others"... how can I get past this hang-up and just go for it, without suddenly feeling like some slimy pick-up artist?

How can I break free and love her like she needs?

Anonymous — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 12:18:31 -0800

You are a man and you were once shy about sex, particularly about vocalizing your wants/needs. How did you come out of your shell? This is something my SO has been asking me for ages, but I haven't managed it. I'm pretty vanilla; I prefer soft core photos and artful nudes to videos and traditional XXX stuff. Dirty talk makes me uncomfortable, but it's something that my SO loves. She wants me to tell her what I want, tell her the things she loves about her (during sex, and in life in general), but I have a hard time doing this. She's not into anything crazy. She just wants me to be more open. I can barely talk to her during sex.

What's worked for you? How did you break free of the self-consciousness? I love my SO and want nothing more than to please her. Anon email: breakingfreeforlove@gmail.com

How do I tell people I have social anxiety?

Chenko — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 12:23:45 -0800

I've suffered from severe social anxiety for around 7 years. It's not as paralyzing as it once was but I still find it very difficult to talk to people. I never know what to say in social situations so I keep pretty quiet which seems to make people really uncomfortable. I've been told I across as aloof and self involved. I feel like I should let people know why I'm so quiet but I feel weird telling people that I have social anxiety. Is there a way I can communicate that I have a hard time talking to people without coming across as a weirdo.

louder please

nicolin — Thu, 19 May 2011 04:32:44 -0800

How to help pupils to sing ? I teach English and I'd like to help my pupils to develop their ability to sing. I've noticed that despite the fact they're eager to sing, they're often hindered in their singing endeavours. Pronunciation is a problem, but since I bring along my guitar, we're able to work on the lyrics at a leisurely pace.

I think that they're shy, uneasy to sing in front of their friends. So my question is : could you provide me with activities, exercises, warm-up routines that I could use to help them to relax and improve their singing ?

Help me get over my self-conscious side!

Anonymous — Sat, 11 Dec 2010 09:55:55 -0800

I’m half introvert (don’t need to socialize every day; do like to escape and regroup after socializing) and half extrovert. My extroverted half can be extremely social, and even, on occasion, meet people really easily—and get them to like me. But if I feel I don’t relate to people around me, or that they won’t get me, or that they are poor listeners and I’ll either have to fight for their attention or fight against their judgmentalism (on whatever subject), I get hideously self-conscious and tongue-tied. How can I change that? Worse, I also have some health issues, which I can largely hide, but which can on occasion subtly affect my otherwise not-bad-at-all looks (facial swelling) or cause brain fog (I can think, but I can’t articulate), or cause literal tongue-tiedness wherein I actually mispronounce words.

Since I think a lot in conversation, and find actual, good conversation a kind of mental bliss, if a conversation doesn’t go well, I fret about it. A lot. And sometimes get quite embarrassed, or even shyer.

This does little to help my self-confidence. While speaking, I’ll suddenly go blank on a word, or a subject. Sometimes I’ll expect poor listening skills and be surprised when I don’t get them. So when I notice they are actually listening, I get even more self-conscious…. On occasion, they’ll ask me a question, and I know they simply won’t relate—or I can’t think how to make them relate--to the real answer, so this befuddles me too, and I tend to stumble out of it.

In the past several years, I’ve traveled a lot, and I’ve noticed that I don’t really have that many problems talking to anybody when traveling because the natural subject matter makes everything so easy: questions about their locale, comparisons with mine, random geographic observations, etc.

I think my issue is, I can be quite a good talker when I feel safe (understood, listened to, engaged), and a miserable one when I don’t. How do I thrive outside of certain safety? How do I recreate the ease of travel conversation when I’m not traveling?

How do I stop being a regular truant out of extreme shyness?

Senza Volto — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 20:14:30 -0800

I have this terrible habit of skipping school out of social anxiety or shyness, even for the smallest reasons like not bringing an important book, arriving late or not knowing where the class is. How do I stop this and be a regular? If the last couple years have gone down like hell for me, it's because I've been playing truant from my college just because I was too shy to actually attend it. I failed, my relationship with my parents soured and finally, I managed to get into a new college, with subjects I like and a fresh slate to start over with.

And again, on the second day itself, I couldn't bring myself to enter a class because I got there late. I turned around casually and walked out. I then spent the whole day wandering around the city, ate out and came back home as if nothing had happened.

The worst thing about it is that it's like lying - the more you do it, the more you *have* to do it. Not just because of the addiction, but because I keep thinking that someone's going to question me where I was, or ask how I'm so aloof about the class' activities and so on, and so I decided to just keep it all away and keep walking.

So whenever I don't know something, like where I'm supposed to be at the moment, I just ignore it and walk out entirely. It's blissful when you do it, but months later when the jig is up, and everyone realises this, it comes crashing down on you like a meteor shower.

How do I break out of this cycle and start being a regular at class? Or at least not shy enough to actually approach someone when I don't know something?