Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with shyness

ShyGuyFilter: What's my next move with an unassertive guy?

Anonymous — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 21:16:58 -0800

I initiated our hang-out; he enthusiastically responded. The evening started with great conversation and mutual interest-- and then the energy seemed to weirdly wane as the evening went on. To be fair, we had a grueling evening. What now? At the risk of posting another "Is he into me?" question, here goes:

I met a guy through mutual friends a couple weeks ago-- I was pretty smitten, and he didn't leave my side all evening, kept asking me questions, giving me cute looks. We talked for a couple of hours and there seemed to be a real connection-- we had a ton in common, and I found him instantly intellectually engaging. He facebook friended me within hours, and I (uncharacteristically) asked him out. He responded enthusiastically right away, and we made plans to go to a theater festival later in the week.

So the big night arrives, we go to dinner, and everything's going great-- he's looking foxy, the convo is easy and flirtatious. All's well. Then we go to one show, which is great, but long. Then we go to another, also long and demanding. It's getting late, and I'm starting to get tired. The convo is still good, but it feels like we're both getting worn out. We go to a few more shows, and he finally brings me home around 2. We're both exhausted at this point, and we chat awkwardly in the car for a few minutes before I say, "Okay, well, have a great day tomorrow" and bolt.

A few additional facts:
- He told me a few times throughout the evening that he's extremely shy and unassertive, made reference to being a big nerd back in the day.
- We accidentally touched arms a few times, but he didn't let it linger.
- I ran into him several days later and he was friendly and seemed a little nervous. I didn't say anything about hanging out again because I just can't get a read on him. We had a friendly casual chat, and I left being more confused than before.

Question: Did I screw things up by having such a long, grueling first date, a multi-hour event that might exhaust any two people who don't know each other well? Should I hang back now and wait to see if he initiates something? Is he interested and deadly shy, or simply uninterested, and I'm in denial?

I usually just scratch someone off if they're not enthusiastically initiating plans, but maybe he's just really shy? Help!

Extroverts, please speak up!

Anonymous — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 19:22:33 -0800

This one is for the extroverts. As someone who has struggled with social anxiety/shyness to varying degrees my entire life, I'm very curious to know what your inner dialogue is like? What goes on in your mind in various everyday social situations? Are there 'positive' things (if anything at all) that you're saying to yourself or is it just the opposite in that there isn't much of a dialogue prior to the action and instead of thinking (or overthinking) about the hows and whys and whatifs, you just act.

For example, you spot an attractive stranger across the room, decide you'd like to talk to them. Do you then just walk across the room and do it just because you wish to talk to them, without any planning, or caring about the outcome? Is that how it is, when you boil it down? You just do and think/evaluate later? What if the outcome isn't what you'd desired? What are you mental processes in that case, post action. Do you even have an inner critic or were you just born with the ability to 'be in the moment' ?

I realize that it is 'natural' to experience some degree of anxiety in the scenarios similar to the one mentioned above and yet there seem to be some for whom feeling anxious (at least socially) seems like a totally alien concept. It is from those people (though comments from others are also welcome) that I'd like to hear. I just want to know what kind of self evaluation (if any at all) is going on in your mind when you're in social situations.

Thanks!

How can I overcome my sexual shyness?

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 23:47:46 -0800

I would like to be more, er, assertive in bed, but I'm too shy. How can I get past this? Is there a good self-help book on the subject? Is there anything you've personally tried that worked for you? Sex with my boyfriend is like a graham cracker - I enjoy it while I'm having it, but I'm not often craving it. This is almost entirely my fault - I'm not making much effort to change anything or express my feelings on the matter. I don't really know how. The problem for me is that I'm painfully shy when it comes to sex. I get embarrassed so easily! Rational or not, I can't even bring up what I like because I'm too terrified of being made fun of. I haven't really had much trouble with this in the past because past boyfriends were a bit controlling, which worked perfectly for me in the bedroom. I actually like to be controlled a bit in (and only in) the bedroom. Besides, if someone else is calling the shots, you can't embarrass yourself, right? My present beau seems to be more about pleasing me, however, which would be wonderful if I knew how to tell him what I want. But I don't. Help me figure out how to get past this.

How does a decent, caring but impotent and shy guy ever find a girlfriend?

Anonymous — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 17:02:04 -0800

I am a 38-year-old man who has many good qualities (I hope so at least) but two drawbacks which understandably be dealbreakers for most women - I am impotent and I have a small penis (around 4 inches on the rare occasions it is erect), so even if my impotence got treated I am not sure I could satisfy a women. On the other hand, I have heard that it's possible to have satisfactory sex life with a 3 inch penis, but have no idea how that can be. So basically I am what would be a figure of ridicule for many other men, and not exactly a strong candidate to be a boyfriend for most women either. However I know some women while still heterosexual may not want a sexual partner e.g. they may be celibate for whatever reason. And there may even be women who will overlook a sex life without penetrative sex for the right person. I have just come out of a four-year relationship which had lots of affection and companionship but not strong feelings of passion and obviously no sex, but I eventually want another relationship again and believe I have a lot of love to give the right person. How can I find her? I have only been in one long-term relationship in my life, which lasted 4 years after we met on a self-help site. It took me a long time to accept that someone could actually fancy me as I felt unloveable because of my previous lack of success with women (she even asked me out, which I thought was great) and even more amazingly she even accepted my impotence. She was a great friend to me and helped me become a more affectionate and open person where I was totally shy before. She made me feel accepted and lovable, like I had something to offer, but I ended the relationship when my romantic feelings went away and we became more like best friends/ roommates since I didn't think it was fair to either of us to live a lie (with me not feeling things as I used to). I wish we could still be friends but she was devasted and didn't want to see me anymore - which I can understand totally.

Because of this one relationship I know I could have another with the right person, if only I could meet them. Since I have mild SA (social anxiety) as well as shyness I visit a lot of SA websites and there are a surprising number of people who have never had a partner, even at my age, and I think I would get along well with another shy person and they might be accepting of my physical problem too. Since shy people by definition are often at home, where do I find such a person? At what point in a relationship with someone do I confess I'm impotent, and if we have mutual friends by then isn't there the potential for some huge public embarrassment on my part as well as feeling rejected if it's a dealbreaker for her? I do think the only way I could find such a needle in a haystack is online dating, but should I advertise for friends first (and see if the "maybe more" happens eventually) or is that being deceptive?

I am in no rush to find a partner as I feel it's time to regroup and work on being someone I can imagine being more dateable (for example I need to lose some weight). However when it's time to start dating again, how can I overcome my handicaps and find someone that I can love and will love me too?

I am * SO * glad Ask Metafilter exists as I could never bring this subject up with my male friends. Thanks in advance for any advice or opinions.

Hi, I'm AWKWARD! (But how awkward am I?)

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 09:19:27 -0800

Do people with under-developed social skills know that their skills need work? If so, how? I’ve had trouble making and keeping friends throughout my life, from childhood, though high school and college and now into adulthood and the workplace. I only recently realized this pattern-- I’ve always been consumed by my work and always told myself that I could have friends if I wanted to make time for them. Turns out that might not be true.

Now I’m trying to figure out why people don’t seem to seek out my company, or don’t seem to enjoy spending time with me. I’m pretty sure that I’m no more awkward than your average nerd… But it recently occurred to me that lacking social skills would probably prevent me from, uh, knowing that I lack social skills. Hence my question: could I be completely socially inept and just not know it?

Some pertinent points:
-I feel pretty confident saying that I don’t have Asperger’s or the like. (I worked in social services for some time, am highly emotional, and I think I do well with “reading people” and navigating internal politics.)

-I get very nervous in social situations and become afraid that I’ll say the wrong thing. That, coupled with a diagnoses of Adult ADD (and the impulse control problems that come with it) means that I often *do* say the wrong thing. Never hurtful things-- more like jokes that turn out not to be funny, or revealing things I shouldn’t have.

-I’m shy and tend to be quiet around new people-- largely out of nervousness (see above). Do people just think I’m unfriendly?

What else should I be looking for? And do you guys have any advice for remedying this?

Since I can’t send anonymous thank yous, I thank you now, MeFites.

Help me overcome and introverted nature.

mintchip — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 19:56:55 -0800

Help me overcome and introverted nature. I am basically introverted. I don't have a hard time talking to people if I have to, or if I really want to. I just often don't really have the desire to overcome my default state of introversion.

It's not that I don't like other people; in fact, I love it when people are friendly with me!! I've just always been more content to sit back and observe others and wait for them to talk to me. But more often than not, this results in missed opportunities. Seems like people just don't notice the quiet girl who sits back and waits for them to talk to her :(

Recently I've been spending time with someone who is very outgoing. He makes friends with all of the wait staff (male or female) whenever we go out. Honestly, this leaves me feeling a little jealous--I would love to meet people too and have friends wherever I go but feel that no one ever talks to me.

I think the issue is that I just don't know how to make the first move. How can I push myself out of my comfort zone?

I use drinking to manage social anxiety.

Anonymous — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 05:25:24 -0800

I use drinking to manage social anxiety. Suggestions? I have a tendency to binge drink. I feel that I do this because I am a shy, inhibited person, and I just love that it helps me interact freely with others without feeling self conscious or thinking too much (I'm a huge overanalyzer—it’s exhausting!). Being single exacerbates this because I get so nervous when I go on dates…it’s very tempting to share a bottle of wine at dinner and then go to a bar afterwards.

My drinking is completely related to social events. If I'm getting invited out a lot, I'm drinking more; if I'm not going out, drinking plays almost no role in my life. Also, many of my friends are heavy drinkers, and invariably all events are centered around alcohol.

I am beginning to realize that alcohol is a social crutch that I might do better without (or with less). Most of all, I am concerned about the health effects of binge drinking. My diet is great, I exercise, etc...will binge drinking 3 times a month really damage my liver?

So, my questions are …
How bad for one’s health/liver is binge drinking (~3 times/month)?
How can I cut back/quit and just learn to deal with my social phobias?
How to manage dating nerves without alcohol?

I would consider getting help from a professional, but I really don’t feel that a 12-step program would suit me or the specifics of my problem. I truly don’t feel that alcohol is THE problem…I feel that shyness is the true issue and that alcohol is just the quickest, easiest way I’ve found to deal with debilitating shyness. However, I want to protect my health and realize that alcohol in excess is not healthful.

I’m a women, fyi.

Help me keep my mind about me when I just want to order coffee or interview at Google

DarkForest — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 19:14:37 -0800

I'm painfully shy. My mind often goes blank during social interactions. It's almost like I kind of lose myself. I'd like to find a way to fight this. Sometimes I seem to go into an auto-pilot sort of mode during a conversation or interview, but a particularly mindless auto-pilot. One that doesn't quite seem to remember what he wanted to order, or talk about, or remember common english idioms (like ordering coffee "black", not "plain" or "straight" as I did yesterday).

I realize that anxiety is a component in this, but it often happens when the anxiety doesn't seem that great. Maybe it's just a deeply ingrained habit, or there's some component of anxiety below conscious awareness. I've been using CBT (Dr. Burns, et al), meditation, diet and exercise to combat this problem and they do seem to help with the anxiety.

Still, when the moment of truth comes and I'm facing someone, my mind goes all white-out. Help me MeFi! What advice can you give? What related experiences have you had? Techniques for remaining grounded and "present" especially appreciated. Thanks.

Moderately screwed up. Hand me that ratchet, Nurse.

rosemere — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 12:28:47 -0800

Therapy or bootstraps? I have no friends beyond immediate family and online acquaintances. I can't clean house or do my home-based job because I get distracted -- by surfing the Net, even though it gets boring and I get less and less pleasure from it, by eating, by walking around the house, or by doing anything but the productive work I know I need to do to be happy. I have a very difficult time even reading a complete book, and I have always been an avid reader. And I have almost completely starved the creative part of myself. I have almost nothing to show for my life over the past twenty years. I'm seeing my family doctor this week to get a referral, but I have tried psychotherapy once as a teen, once in university, and once in my thirties over many of the same issues, and found that typical talk therapist could either be out-smarted or else they were dispensing cookie cutter advice.

In my first year at a small alternative high school, I hid from fellow students. If I was walking down the hall and people were approaching, I would duck down a side hall so I wouldn't have to greet them. Somehow things turned around the next year and I developed a circle of friends, and I was reasonably sociable and happy. The same thing happened in during my undergraduate degree, where I had several new friends and was part of two overlapping social circles.

But I grew less and less adept at gaining friends as the years passed. In grad school, I saw two women who never met each other before form a fast and deep friendship. I was part of the larger social circle they were part of, but always felt I was on the periphery.

And after leaving university and getting away from the few comfortable social circles I had held onto for 10 years, I found myself around people I didn't feel comfortable with. I was too old, or too shy, or awkward, and I didn't try to make friends.

But now I'm in my 40s. For the past ten years, I haven't even tried to be sociable. My husband and I hardly go out. Our mutual circle of friends has almost completely melted away and his current friends are people from his job (yes, young and attractive and smart and intimidating, and I feel that I embarrass myself around them).

When people talk about the friends they have from childhood or college, I look back and see friends I used to have that I would be ashamed to meet now. I am even more embarrassed that I don't have friends now. I know this is stupid, but it's my gut reaction.

So -- yeah. Social isolation. Self-esteem issues. Some depression. Difficulty concentrating. Do I give therapy another go, or should I just sit down and try some basic, sensible things like volunteering, taking some classes, etc.? That could help with the social isolation, but I still have issues with concentration and focus that may or may not resolve on their own.

(One thing I very recently realized is that I may need to either "incubate" with a group for a year or more to find my place in it, or else I need to be thrown in the deep end by literally living with people, as I did in university co-op housing for a couple of years or in the 6 weeks of French immersion I took one summer before university. I probably won't move into communal living any time soon, but I may need to find a comfy niche for a year before the specific friends issue gets better.)

Eye contact, smiling and communicating interest?

mintchip — Sun, 01 Apr 2007 19:01:47 -0800

Eye contact, smiling and how to be more approachable? What I'm trying to figure out is how to communicate interest to others and seem more approachable, particularly when it comes to eye contact and smiling.

I am quite shy and have the hardest time looking strangers in the eye. Sometimes I'll be out at a cafe or on the street and a guy will be looking or even staring at me and even if I *want* them to approach me I look away. Once someone is talking to me I have no problem looking them in the eye...I just have trouble communicating interest initially.

First of all, I live in the northeast where people are pretty reserved and not very friendly. Second, I'm not sure how long to look people in the eye to communicate openess or interest without it seeming strange. Also, do I need to smile at the same time (if I don't, it will seem unfriendly, right?). Finally, I'm scared they will look away or think I'm desperate, so the way I avoid that is by just keeping a blank look on my face much of the time. I'm sure this comes across as disinterest, but that's not what I want to convey.

I know I'm overthinking this, but humor me, Mefites ;) It's not easy being an introvert in an extrovert's world.

I'm a great public speaker, but painfully shy in every other situation. What to do?

Anonymous — Sat, 10 Mar 2007 03:43:02 -0800

I'm a great public speaker, but painfully shy in every other situation. What to do? I'm an extremely shy guy in social situations, but when it comes to public speaking, I'm very confident and bold. This issue has been bothering me for ages, so I'm looking for a way to solve it.

I'm able to do a great job in addressing groups in public speeches, as a big part of my work is making presentations about technology innovation in my company's products. I feel totally comfortable with it and my lectures are usually very well evaluated.

However, in every other social situation I'm painfully shy. Some examples: pretty much never talked to a girl on a bar, avoid going to parties where most people are unknown to me, don't like gyms, almost invisible in office day-to-day (there are people who've been sitting next to me for months and they don't know my name), etc.

One of the most bizarre situations of my life took place when I was in a "Presentation Skills" training class: every student had to do a taped presentation introducing himself, and after mine I was tagged by the whole class as the most extrovert and bold person in the room. If they only knew...

I have just recently realized that I'm most likely to feel shy whenever there are many women in the place.

How can I feel comfortable in social situations the same way I do when speaking to big audiences?

How to find other shy people online and offline?

AuroraSky — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 09:18:08 -0800

I am shy and sometimes socially anxious person who has benefitted greatly from social activities run by a small support group where I live (Glasgow, Scotland). I found that site just by sheer good fortune after learning (a couple of years ago) to type the phrase "social anxiety" into Google. I would like to meet more people and have more of a social life and so have started a local Shyness group on Meetup.com. I would like my group and my site to appeal to those who see themselves as shy rather than socially anxious and to those who know they are shy but have never heard of social anxiety. Where would be good places online and offline to promote our group? Where are the local shy people to be found?

You scare me and I don't want to talk to you.

Anonymous — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 11:33:02 -0800

Is there a way to tell clients I want them to communicate with me through email instead of the phone that doesn't make me sound weird? I have extreme social anxiety issues but have managed to get a small web design business going from home. In the past I've worked at call center jobs that gave me enough practice to be able to talk on the phone when I have to, but it takes a lot out of me and causes a lot of stress. Typically I will spend all morning anxiously putting off making a phone call or dreading an incoming call and it really disrupts my work because it gets my mind racing for hours. My life would be much calmer and I would get a lot more done if my clients would just talk with me through email. This isn't a long term solution, but for now, is there some way I can ask them to use email other than "talking to you is terrifying, can we type instead?"?

Obviously, I want to work on my anxiety (I have tried medications with mixed results and am looking at getting back in to therapy), but this has been a life long issue for me so it won't go away soon. For now, can anyone help me with a professional sounding way to phrase my preference for email that doesn't make me seem odd?

How can a late-bloomer sow oats without getting stuck?

Anonymous — Sat, 02 Dec 2006 13:41:23 -0800

Late-bloomer-filter: I was a painfully shy, geeky, withdrawn guy with almost no friends and no social life. Over the past few years (I'm 28 now), I went to therapy, got a new job, moved from my sleepy suburban town to New York, got tons of people-practice, made new friends... and then this year, it all suddenly and magically clicked. It's unreal, but instead of nights alone with my laptop, I'm out almost constantly with tons of friends, hanging out, going on dates, drinking, dancing, and generally having more fun than I ever believed was possible for me. But I need your advice before I create a monster. I've wanted this for so long that about all I seem to care about at now is hanging out, drinking, dancing, dating, and partying. But the implications of most of my friends being in their early 20s isn't lost on me. At 28, most people are moving on toward a more adult phase of life and I'm regressing and loving it. Has anyone else had this experience? Will I get over this phase, or do I need to worry about getting stuck as a perpetual adolescent? And finally, how I can make the most of this awesomely fun and unexpected development? Thanks.

How can I stop being passive?

mintchip — Fri, 10 Nov 2006 22:29:59 -0800

How can I stop being passive? I've gotten feedback from people that I am very passive.

This honestly doesn't bother me; I basically like how I am. For whatever reason, things that bother other people don't seem to bother me. In fact, I don't even notice how it comes across to others that I'm passive. I've always been rather introverted and I avoid confrontation unless it's *really* necessary (I can confront someone if I'm really feeling wronged, but it takes a lot for me to feel the need).

There are few ways that I think my supposed passivity becomes a problem. First is that it may be what is holding me back in my career. People probably won't promote someone who they think is too passive. Second, it seems to bother other people because they read it as symptomatic of low self esteem. And finally, some people take advantage of people who they perceive as passive.

I say “supposed passivity” because in a way, I actually feel that may behavior shows inner confidence, and this inner confidence means that I don't feel the need to exert my will/stand up for myself as outwardly as others do. Unfortunately, I don't think many people get that about me. Americans are so "confidence happy" that I feel that I'll never get anywhere unless I become more confident. For example, I have had many people tell me that I am quite attractive, yet I don't seem to have much luck dating; only very few people who seem to "get me."

To boil it down: I don't know if being perceived as passive really is a problem or if I should just accept this as part of myself since I feel comfortable this way. I guess the real problem for me is that other people see it as a problem. The second part of the question is that if I do decide to work on it, how do I do it? I can try to examine my own behavior more closely, but this just makes me feel terribly self conscious—not a feeling that is likely to make me act more assertive or outwardly confident.

Photographic Sniper

trinarian — Sun, 13 Aug 2006 03:53:37 -0800

How do I overcome camera shyness as a foreign photographer? Much I live and work in China... which means two things as a foreigner. The first is that I stick out so much that people stare at me. In conjuction with that, these staring people are the most populous people on the planet. There are few places I can snap a photo and not be stared at. I'm OK walking the streets, buying food, and whatnot being stared at, it's just the way China is... but not not while trying to produce art.

Today I went to an old antique market to do a photoshoot and I couldn't do it... I left after about 20 shots. Everytime I took out my camera I felt like a sniper - shoot quick, hide camera, look normal. Even good shots were blury because I was jerking the camera back into the bag or to the side during the exposure.

Because of the crowdedness, urban landscape is next to impossible [or is it? suggestions?] which is what I'm used to shooting, so I've decided on focusing on the people in the streets, particularly the colorful street vendors.

I guess at core I feel like I'm an unwelcome intrustion, that they think I'm degrading them somehow. I don't have enough language down to schmooze or converse at any level to make them comfortable with my pressense.

Open to any suggestions, ideas, and reading [online, not books for obvious reasons]...

My friend needs a date!

b_thinky — Wed, 02 Aug 2006 03:51:43 -0800

I'd like to help my buddy find a girlfriend. He's 26 and pretty normal, other than the fact that he's never had a girlfriend or even been on a date and he's obviously extremely shy around females. How can I help him? I've known "Drew" since we were kids. He's never been on a date besides high school dances (he'd go with a friend of a friend's date) and more recently some dating programs. It used to be kind of a joke, but now it seems like it's never going to happen. We're not trying to get him laid or anything, but it would be nice to teach him to talk to girls.

His problems, as I see them are:

+He's the youngest child (by several years) to immigrant Chinese parents. He's totally americanized, but his parents have always babied him to the extreme. His mom always had crazy rules for him, like not being able to drive anyone but himself until his sophomore year of college. I don't think his parents would like it if he had a non-asian girlfriend, even though he told me he's not attracted to asians. At this point, I think his parents would be satisfied with almost any living female.

+ He's got no interest other than sports. If you were to bring up a current events topic like "Hey, how about that bombing in Lebanon" he'll be baffled. But he plays golf every day after work and participates in about 8 fantasy football leagues each year. I've suggested that he watch the news or read a newspaper once a day to broaden his topical horizons.

+ Although he's very sharp and has no problem talking to people (except for women in his peer group), he's the kind of guy that has really no confidence in himself. He'll never "take a chance" on voicing a controversial opinion, or do something socially risky like get a girl's number.

+ He seems to have really high standards. The girls he has met through introductions or various dating schemes always seem to have some problem (she's ugly, or annoying, or...)

+ I've been told by various females that he's not very attractive, but I think it's more of the way he carries himself than his actual appearance.

Yes, I'm totally certain he's not gay. I would like to be able to offer suggestions to him on how to meet/approach women without being condescending or have him feel like I'm making fun of him. I really like the guy and want to see him do well. Besides just being about getting chicks, I think he won't live up to his potential as long as he has this confidence issue. Suggestions?

Making friends in a new neighbourhood

jchgf — Mon, 10 Jul 2006 14:18:21 -0800

Looking for a brainstorm about tips for a shy, semi-square kind of guy to make friends with locals in a cool neighbourhood. I recently moved in the Plateau Mont-Royal in Montreal, Canada from Griffintown, a remote no-man's land on the edge of Old-Montreal. I would like to immerse myself in the hood and make friends with locals, but so far I find most residents seem to have large networks of cool friends and are not particularly outgoing to lone strangers. I also am not very used to the european Dolce Vita vibe of the hood, though I am very much attracted to it, and I wonder if my american (as in North American) semi-squareness isn't clashing with the local sensibilities. To put it another way, it seems like everyone around here has so much more "soul" than I do, and I am intimidated by this.

Thus, my challenge in the next year will be be to develop an active social life in the neighbourhood, and I would like to hear suggestions on how to realize this.

About me: I am 27, was born and raised as a lone child by a single mother in the northern suburb, and was pretty much a loner as a kid, teenager and well, as an adult too. I know the basics of social interaction (Carnegie, etc) and I am pleasant and interesting in short interactions, but I have always found it difficult to develop solid, long-term friendships.

I am a native french speaker and am not affected by the language barrier.

I moved in with a roommate who is very much like me, and new to the hood too. We've been bar-hopping this week but were not successful in making contacts so far.

I am looking to make friends with people 20-35 (or +) with extensive social life. I feel like this is the kind of people I need to meet at this point in my life, to help me get a real life, not a substitute from TV, movies or the workplace (which is outside the hood, but I am contemplating getting a job here).

So far on my own, I have considered:

- Getting a second job in a café or bar, though I have no experience in the service industry area.

- Hanging out in coffeeshops, but being shy, I don't find it easy to initiate contacts, and besides most people seem content in their own world.

- I have been looking for community activities, haven't found anything striking my interests. Perhaps I need to find hood-specific ressources (do you know of any?).

Would like to hear more thoughts from you! Thanks in advance.

How can an awkward guy make friends?

i wear the cheese — Fri, 09 Jun 2006 10:22:52 -0800

How can an awkward guy make friends? Here's the situation: I'm male, 41, single, in the SF East Bay. I moved here a couple of years ago, and have not yet been successful in making friends.

I work at home, so I don't have access to a work-driven social scene. Furthermore, I'm not a terribly good conversationalist, and I'm not great at dealing with strangers. When I put myself in a situation where I'm forced to (meetups and such from various online groups) I tend to just sit there, listening without contributing much and feeling awkward. I find that unpleasant enough that I don't put myself through that very often.

Once I'm more comfortable with people I open up, and I'm generally perceived as warm and funny and a good guy. I don't have too much trouble sustaining friendships once they're established.

I come across better in writing than in person. I've met various people online, but the ones I've clicked with live far away. I've met a few while travelling and that's gone well, so once I've interacted with someone one-on-one online for a while I'm evidently able to do so in real life as well.

I need to find some environment where I can interact with people in some limited way, on an ongoing basis, so that my comfort level increases to the point where I can open up and start talking. An example where I've had some success in the past is that I found a couple of local musicians who played every week or so and that I enjoyed: after showing up regularly for several months I was sort of let into their social circle and made a few friends. I want to try that again, though I haven't yet found anybody here I like listening to who plays regularly enough for this strategy to work well.

Please note that I am not looking for advice on changing the personality characteristics I've described above. I'm working on that, and having some success, but I would like to not have those issues derail the thread. I'm specifically seeking advice here on scenarios for friendship-making that play to my current strengths and minimize my current weaknesses.

What's the evolutionary advantage of shyness

ykjay — Sun, 23 Oct 2005 08:53:00 -0800

What is the evolutionary advantage of shyness, particularly in early girls' adolescence? As the father of two young girls whose parents are both shy, I am concerned about how they will fare when they get to the 11-15 year-old stage with all the peer pressure and social pressures they're certain to encounter. I started wondering why it's such a common trait across cultures. Maybe understanding it can help to mitigate its effects when the time comes.

So, how has being shy helped in evolutionary terms?

How to make up for two wasted years of college?

Ash3000 — Sat, 24 Sep 2005 22:24:41 -0800

How do you start your college career over, about halfway through? I'm an very, very shy person...very insular, way too apologetic (I say "I'm sorry..." the way most people breathe), fairly certain I have aspergers and just very clumsy and without grace; my parents basically raised me to hate myself, and they did a good job of it. The first year of college was at a school I hated in Boston with a roommate who basically ruined my freshman year, and then where I am now, at Columbia, with a roommate who took advantage of my inexperience and timidity to basically make me a "sexile" from my own room.

I'm now starting my junior year of college, and have no idea how I should be spending my time, the amount of time I should be studying as compared to "socializing", what socializing even should mean...tonight, I went to a "callback" for a sketch I submited for a comedy troupe on campus, and they told me that I was actually accepted as a writer, and they wanted to make sure "all the members of our new group can party", so I was stuck there with a bunch of people drinking (I'm 21 and had my first drink about a year ago, dont' do it often), standing often in the corner, not knowing how to talk to people. I went home incredibly depressed.

I want to make up for two wasted years of college, but...how does one start over? If you had two years of college in which to do whatever you wish you'd done, how'd you have spent them? I'm very lonely (never been kissed), but have no idea how to start...where do you begin? I'm sorry if this question feels vague, my life just feels vague these days...maybe it's quarter-life crisis. Help?

Have a Nice Day!

Anonymous — Sun, 19 Dec 2004 00:22:57 -0800

I'd like to be nicer to people. I'm generally anxious, socially awkward, and don't enunciate very well. I have trouble with spontaneous conversation and small talk, and get flustered by clumsy social encounters. As a result I've developed a reputation as aloof and unapproachable. What can I do to be a more pleasant person?

How can you overcome pee shyness in public urinals?

Anonymous — Fri, 29 Oct 2004 09:03:05 -0800

How can you overcome pee shyness in public urnials? As in, stepping to the plate, but being unable to pee until the bathroom is empty?

how do you overcome shyness?

adampsyche — Fri, 15 Oct 2004 06:44:36 -0800

How do you overcome extreme shyness?

Question number 6901

yoga — Fri, 30 Apr 2004 05:55:00 -0800

Psychology/Sociology Q [I think?] Does anyone else experience participatory inhibition when immersed in a like minded group? For example, a creative person becoming unusually shy/quiet within a team of creative people working on a [design] task? Lurkers on MeFi or other online communities might be another example. Or, the opposite: a creative person's creativity amplified [uninhibited?] in the presence of less creative people?

Is it a matter of personality/psychology? Is it confidence/self assuredness? Is it alterable? Imaginary?!

Sources for further reading and help clarifying the question appreciated.