Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with shy

How can I converse in large groups?

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 11:32:01 -0800

Help me carry on conversations in groups with my *special snowflake* situation. Yes, I know this question has been asked before, but my case is different.

I am an 18 year old female college student. I am a shy introvert, who is a mix of INTJ/ INTP. I have always had trouble carrying conversations in large groups (say more than 4 people). I think one problem I have is timing. I can't seem to get a word in edge wise. I don't want to be *that girl* and force my point in where it doesn't flow. When I do get a comment in, other, more forceful people seem to move the conversation elsewhere, and thus people rarely respond to my comments.

If it matters, the groups are usually 100% female. They seem like nice people, and I would like to get to know them better.

Compounding factors: I have learning disabilities (but not Aspergers) that make it hard to read people and sense timing. My parents were very strict when I was growing up, so I was not allowed to watch tv, watch very many movies, or listen to popular music. I still do not really enjoy these things today so I have very little "popular culture" currency. I am commonly lost in the conversation, because I am not familiar with the particular show or band. It would be hard to even research these topics, because they change every conversation. Further research cannot mitigate 18 years of lack of popular culture.

Potential things in my favor: I am self aware. I have a roommate, an INTJ, who can help me to a point.

The other questions I have seen before seem to be about grown up mingling. Here, this is not about approaching the group. Nor does finding fellow wall flowers apply to this situation, because everybody else is actively participating in the one conversation. I would find it strange to ask questions about topic to the group (to try to understand the topic), because it would disrupt the main conversation.

In short, I'm looking for advice to improve my conversation skills keeping in mind my *special snowflake* situation. I am still working on meeting new people with different interests, but that's hard when I can't converse with people in larger groups. I will reiterate that I do not have Aspergers. I'm just awkward and shy around people.

Business meetings primer?

kitcat — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 15:52:58 -0800

What advice do you have for a shy person who's going to have to take an active role in business meetings for the first time in her career? People *think* I'm fairly extroverted, but I become very shy in front of more than three people. While I'm cool with being shy, I don't want to appear shy in meetings.

I don't have a lot of experience with business meetings (I've taken a minor role in a few, but have mostly been the minute-taker). I get nervous and my mouth clamps shut. I can never figure out when it's my turn to talk, when/how I should interject or even whether I have any important information or opinions to contribute.

Any advice? I'd like to maybe hear about how you got used to business meetings, what little bits of wisdom you might have about them and how you figured out what your role in them would be. I've seen the annoying, constant interjector, the "always has bad ideas" and the "throws everything off track" types in action. Is there a good 'type' I can emulate?

Reading suggestions are also greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

Oh, and if it matters, I'll be in the role of a business analyst. These will be IT-type meetings.

How can I be outgoing without the use of alcohol?

flibbertigibbet — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 07:36:56 -0800

How can I be outgoing without the use of alcohol? I had a very tight policy of avoiding a situation in which I would feel pressured to drink. This is because I don't like losing control and talking too much, and because my father is an alcoholic.

Aaand then I had to go to a passover seder due to my increasing religiosity, and grape juice wasn't readily available as the kids had scurried it to different rooms to drink it there. I really was anxious the first night--I knew I would get drunk quickly, as the last time I really drank was five years ago. And yeah, I got wasted (giggling hysterically for three hours) on very little alcohol. I hated the idea of losing control before getting drunk, but it wasn't that bad.

For the second seder, I ate beforehand and brought I friend. I got comfortably drunk on 5-ish glasses of wine, and I met more people in the 5 hours of the second seder than I had met during all of the 30-50 hours of Shabbat dinners that I had attended previously--and the Shabbat dinners had the exact same people attending as the seders.

How can I keep up that gregarious version of myself when not drunk? I still want to really control my drinking--no drinking alone, no drinking everyday, no drinking during every social situation in any given week, no drinking to self-medicate, etc.--because of the family history of alcoholism, but I like meeting people. Plz hope me.

Easy conversation prompts

gilsonal — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 23:01:06 -0800

I am looking for conversational topics/ questions that are relatively easy to answer, on topics that aren't too personal...help me come up with some! I'm working with a person who is very shy and has a hard time talking to others. To practice, we're going to start with some very simple questions, ideally not to personal or requiring much of an opinion, since those things are harder for him. I've looked up a lot of standard conversation starters online, but I'd like some of your ideas on cool/interesting questions to ask so that i don't feel like I'm interrogating him. Bonus points on being open ended, so that he can elaborate if he wants. Any questions you were asked that really started a great conversation?

Please be my friend... wait, why are you running?

EmilyClimbs — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 12:26:08 -0800

What makes the difference between "You think I'm really awesome-- that makes me feel good and I like being around you" and "You think I'm really awesome-- I'm uncomfortable and this is awkward"? Can things work if one person is the clear initiator of building a friendship? I've always operated on the assumption that building a friendship requires a relatively balanced exchange of signs of interest. I've stuck to this partially because I figured showing too much enthusiasm for the friendship would turn people off and thus be counterproductive, and partially because I was petrified of the embarrassment of being so "out there" with my interest and being rejected. But frankly, this approach has not been very successful for me. So I'm working up the courage to face my fears of rejection, because good friendships are too important to miss out on because I'm scared of taking risks. But that still leaves the first concern about whether it's counterproductive.

In other AskMes about having good conversations and making friends, a lot of people say that knowing that someone thinks they're great makes them feel good and want to spend more time around the person. But is that really true? Maybe I'm comparing it too much to a couple unwanted crushes on me in high school and perhaps it's not as applicable in an adult friendship situation, but in those cases knowing how interested they were in me pushed me from finding it reasonably enjoyable to spend time with them, to avoiding them because I felt awkward and pressured about being so important to them.

So. Does someone showing strong interest in you ever turn you off from a person who you might've been friends with otherwise? Are there concrete differences between the positive, flattering interest and the negative, awkward interest (or is it just that it's awkward when someone you were never going to be friends with anyway wants to be friends with you)? Are there any "go-ahead" (or "stop!") signals I should be looking for? Historically I think I've done too little (ie, backed off from pursuing things after initiating conversation with a coworker at a couple happy hours in a row if the other person didn't start actively seeking me out) but what is "too much"? Is it important for a friendship to build reciprocally with relatively equal interest on both sides, or should I just start initiating conversations and lunch dates and keep going as long as they seem to be going well? (And does any of this change when it's a guy and I'm a girl, even though I'm in a relationship and he may be too?)

how can I get shy people to turn up for meetings of my shyness group?

AuroraSky — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 22:20:56 -0800

A question for the shy/ introverted - what sort of meetup group would you really want to be a part of? As someone who helps organise such a group, how can I get people excited about it? I started a Meetup group for shy people in my home city (Glasgow, Scotland) back in February 2007. I have benefitted from meetings of a similar group in the past but that fizzled away. Our group has been really good in some ways (have had 33 meets, and the ones I have been too I have enjoyed a lot) but we can only get a tiny proportion of our 143 members to turn up to meetings - maybe 2, 3, or 4 at times. If we could only get to the point of having 6 regular attendees that would be great, and anything more a bonus. Our group is not a self-help or therapy-type group, it's purely about practicing social skills through meeting up and chatting at coffee shops, or doing a shared activity like going to a local museum then chatting in the cafe after. We have tried meeting in the pub sometimes too but many shy people seem to have really negative views of pubs and the people who go there.
I feel fortunate to live in a big city where there's room for a group such as ours, and think our group has a lot of potential. At the same time I feel a bit down that our attendance is so much smaller than the other group I occasionally go to (just a coffee and conversation group for regular folks). I know some people are * really * shy and despite their good intentions will never bring themselves to meet up with strangers, but how can I persuade more of the persuadable ones to give our meets a try? If you are a shy person, what would persuade you to go along to such a group (and alternatively, what would put you off?)

I have enough free time that I can spend a couple of hours writing a little e-newsletter to coincide with each upcoming meeting, for example with tips on overcoming shyness in particular situation that I've found in books, but I'm not sure if people ever actually implement such advice (in fact I am not the best at implementing such advice myself, it's going to meets that has been the most helpful thing for me). Apart from these little newsletters, does anyone else have suggestions for creating a group that shy people will want to be actively, as opposed to passively, a part of?

Can a shy person succeed in marketing?

AuroraSky — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 14:52:24 -0800

I have a degree in marketing but since graduation have worked in other jobs including basic web design. In one job I was able to do some public speaking, but I am quite introverted by nature (what they call an INFP type) and according to online careers advice would be suitable for being a social worker, teacher or psychologist. However the ENFP type (the only difference being extroverted versus introverted) makes a great match for marketing jobs. 1) Is there anyone out there who works in marketing and is shy? What do you do well and what do you avoid? Is there a career niche where shy people can do well? 2) Is it possible to become more extroverted and if so what helps? Any online resources or books anyone would recommend? The only one I know is ShynessCurve.com and I worry about forking over £65 only to find out I bottle out of doing the assignments they set.

Or perhaps I should just butt out

universal_qlc — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 10:44:39 -0800

How can I help my guy friends to meet nice women? My husband and I, both engineers, happen to have a disproportionately male group of friends, largely because of where we went to school and the fields we're in. While a couple of these friends have met nice women and gotten married, lately we've found that under certain circumstances (read: drunk) the single ones approaching their late twenties will admit they're worried about meeting women -- at all. It seems that once we left college, they became increasingly difficult to find (indeed, all my close female friends are from school, but I'm okay with that).

I think my guy friends are all brilliant, good-natured, well-educated and interesting men who have a lot to offer, but also incredibly shy around new people. Is there anything can I do to help them out? Or should I just let them be and work it out themselves?

Will sharing a room help me overcome my shyness?

Andy Harwood — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 09:50:30 -0800

I've just transferred to a new university and I'm applying for accommodation. I'm hoping to get a single room in halls but it looks like there's a good chance I'll have to share. I'm a very shy person and I like my privacy so sharing a room sounds like hell. Do you think it would help me get over my shyness or will it just make me miserable?

How to tempt a cat out from hiding

altolinguistic — Fri, 09 May 2008 04:28:23 -0800

How do I coax a new cat out from hiding? I adopted a cat from the RSPCA on Monday, and he is very shy. He was a stray, an adult cat of indeterminate age (but not old) and had been at the shelter for just over 2 weeks. He was neutered on admission to the shelter (so about 2 weeks ago). I don't blame him for being pissed off at humanity!

Since we got him home he has been hiding under the kitchen units. He comes out to eat, drink and use the litter tray, but only when he's dead sure we're not around, and if we interrupt him he will immediately run back to his hiding place. If we put a hand near him he hisses and growls.

I guess time and consistent feeding is the answer - but he's due for his second round of vaccinations in less than two weeks, so is there any way I can get him to come out and be a little bit approachable so I can take him for his shots?

Help me overcome and introverted nature.

mintchip — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 19:56:55 -0800

Help me overcome and introverted nature. I am basically introverted. I don't have a hard time talking to people if I have to, or if I really want to. I just often don't really have the desire to overcome my default state of introversion.

It's not that I don't like other people; in fact, I love it when people are friendly with me!! I've just always been more content to sit back and observe others and wait for them to talk to me. But more often than not, this results in missed opportunities. Seems like people just don't notice the quiet girl who sits back and waits for them to talk to her :(

Recently I've been spending time with someone who is very outgoing. He makes friends with all of the wait staff (male or female) whenever we go out. Honestly, this leaves me feeling a little jealous--I would love to meet people too and have friends wherever I go but feel that no one ever talks to me.

I think the issue is that I just don't know how to make the first move. How can I push myself out of my comfort zone?

Bar/Party Survival Guide for the Introveted

Pantalaimon — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 19:51:06 -0800

Teach a shy person on how to behave in a bar/party full of unfamiliar people I will soon be attending a 4 year post-graduate professional school where I won't know anyone. The main social activities at this school, as far as I can tell, will be post-exam keg parties and pub-crawls. I am a pretty reserved and shy person and never enjoyed bars and big parties with a lot of strangers. However, in order not to become a social recluse, I feel I need to force myself to go to these events just to introduce myself to people.

The problem: I went to few bars or big parties in the past and am kind of intimated by them. Walking into a bar full of happily conversing people makes me very anxious. All I hope to get out of this is to meet some new people and have some decent conversations. But what do you do when you walk into the bar and see bunch of strangers already talking? How do you "join the flow"?

I am a guy, by the way, and the people I will socializing with will mostly in their early twenties.

Thanks

I'm not shy! Am I?

Anonymous — Sat, 25 Aug 2007 07:08:23 -0800

Help me be more outgoing in class. I'm a closet shy guy. I work with the public day in and day out, I'm outgoing, I don't act shy but deep down inside I am. I have a pretty big social circle and don't mind being the center of attention. I can start conversations with just about anyone but there's one catch. Whenever I find myself in a classroom setting, I become extremely shy.

I'm able to make friends everywhere...but class. I start to become really self-conscious in class and don't particularly like speaking. I feel like a little kid. Professors intimidate me. Am I a bad student? No. Do I know my stuff? Yeah. So what gives?

Oh and outside of class, with the same people, I can interact with them - but in class, woah cowboy, that's another story.

posted anon because it helps me convey myself easier - see, I am shy!

I use drinking to manage social anxiety.

Anonymous — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 05:25:24 -0800

I use drinking to manage social anxiety. Suggestions? I have a tendency to binge drink. I feel that I do this because I am a shy, inhibited person, and I just love that it helps me interact freely with others without feeling self conscious or thinking too much (I'm a huge overanalyzer—it’s exhausting!). Being single exacerbates this because I get so nervous when I go on dates…it’s very tempting to share a bottle of wine at dinner and then go to a bar afterwards.

My drinking is completely related to social events. If I'm getting invited out a lot, I'm drinking more; if I'm not going out, drinking plays almost no role in my life. Also, many of my friends are heavy drinkers, and invariably all events are centered around alcohol.

I am beginning to realize that alcohol is a social crutch that I might do better without (or with less). Most of all, I am concerned about the health effects of binge drinking. My diet is great, I exercise, etc...will binge drinking 3 times a month really damage my liver?

So, my questions are …
How bad for one’s health/liver is binge drinking (~3 times/month)?
How can I cut back/quit and just learn to deal with my social phobias?
How to manage dating nerves without alcohol?

I would consider getting help from a professional, but I really don’t feel that a 12-step program would suit me or the specifics of my problem. I truly don’t feel that alcohol is THE problem…I feel that shyness is the true issue and that alcohol is just the quickest, easiest way I’ve found to deal with debilitating shyness. However, I want to protect my health and realize that alcohol in excess is not healthful.

I’m a women, fyi.

Why do people go quiet around me and how I can I make a better connection with them?

Anonymous — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 07:11:35 -0800

Why do people go quiet around me? Well, not all the time. But I've noticed, especially within the last few years, that some people tend to go really quiet and shy around me but tend to be loud and open around other people.

This usually happens when I don't know someone too well, and it happens with both guys and girls. I wouldn't describe myself as being loud, in fact I'm pretty shy, but I'm always the first to say hello, or to introduce myself. I'm a normal enough guy (read: I don't come off as a weirdo) and I try to be friendly but I always sense some sort of hesitation from people.

Lately I've been telling myself that they are the shy ones but then I realized that it may be something that I'm doing, is there a way I can come across as more friendly or less intimidating? Not that I think that I'm intimidating.

Oh, just to add, I get along well with pretty much everyone that I meet; I try my best to be considerate, and will go out of my way to help. I have plenty of friends in my social circle but I'm always looking to expand.

MeFi, tell me what I can do to be more friendly.

(This is anonymous because I've told quite a number of my friends about the site and I don't want them to read this)

Arrogance > Shyness. I hope.

whitneykitty — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 19:34:38 -0800

Exactly how does shyness come across as arrogance? What's the difference between arrogance and confidence? While researching anxiety questions here, I found several comments from shy folks who had been called arrogant (not by the posters here but someone in real time). I understand how a smarty-pants could come across as arrogant, but shy people?

Also, what's the difference between arrogance and confidence?

I'm trying to figure out when arrogance is an apt description of someone and when it's an...insult/taunt/epithet. Thanks.

Eye contact, smiling and communicating interest?

mintchip — Sun, 01 Apr 2007 19:01:47 -0800

Eye contact, smiling and how to be more approachable? What I'm trying to figure out is how to communicate interest to others and seem more approachable, particularly when it comes to eye contact and smiling.

I am quite shy and have the hardest time looking strangers in the eye. Sometimes I'll be out at a cafe or on the street and a guy will be looking or even staring at me and even if I *want* them to approach me I look away. Once someone is talking to me I have no problem looking them in the eye...I just have trouble communicating interest initially.

First of all, I live in the northeast where people are pretty reserved and not very friendly. Second, I'm not sure how long to look people in the eye to communicate openess or interest without it seeming strange. Also, do I need to smile at the same time (if I don't, it will seem unfriendly, right?). Finally, I'm scared they will look away or think I'm desperate, so the way I avoid that is by just keeping a blank look on my face much of the time. I'm sure this comes across as disinterest, but that's not what I want to convey.

I know I'm overthinking this, but humor me, Mefites ;) It's not easy being an introvert in an extrovert's world.

And s-so I told him, n-no, man, y-you can't keep that h-horse!

Glitter Ninja — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 18:54:10 -0800

FirstDateFilter: How do I keep my calm and not turn into a stammering sticky pile of jello? It's been a while since I've been on a real date. By a while, I mean something like three years. I tend to stick to internet relationships as a general rule, because I'm a little afraid of committment- but I met this great guy at my friend's party. Sweet, funny, nerdy, and shy- but the problem is, I am too!

When confronted with something of importance, I tend to turn into a stammering, stuttering, babbling mess- stumbling over my words, talking incessantly about nothing, going off on long tangents, just generally making everyone feel bored and awkward- then once I realize it, I turn about a million shades of pink, but can't seem to calm down and stop. This is going to be a double date with the friend whose party I met him at and her boyfriend (who is his coworker), so the situation will be somewhat alleviated, but I'm not sure just how much.

Please, hive mind- tips on keeping myself composed, keeping on topic, not talking too much, and NOT stuttering and stammering through what I do say? I have a huge girly crush on this guy, and really don't want to mess it up.

How to find other shy people online and offline?

AuroraSky — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 09:18:08 -0800

I am shy and sometimes socially anxious person who has benefitted greatly from social activities run by a small support group where I live (Glasgow, Scotland). I found that site just by sheer good fortune after learning (a couple of years ago) to type the phrase "social anxiety" into Google. I would like to meet more people and have more of a social life and so have started a local Shyness group on Meetup.com. I would like my group and my site to appeal to those who see themselves as shy rather than socially anxious and to those who know they are shy but have never heard of social anxiety. Where would be good places online and offline to promote our group? Where are the local shy people to be found?

crush on a shy boy

grafholic — Fri, 09 Feb 2007 16:31:48 -0800

i have a crush on really shy boy and i am not sure how i should approach My situation is similar to this mefi question, except that we are not very close friends (yet!).

I met him over a year ago and I thought he was cute, but because of his shyness, he has come across to me as a mean quiet person. Since I'm a little shy myself (but not as shy as him), I got intimidated and I never approached him other than saying hello whenever we run into each other.

About a few months ago, I started to run into him more frequently (at a bar, a coffeeshop, or on streets) and our interaction has grown from mere greetings to more meaningful conversations. While I thought he was cute, my feelings for him was not strong, and I just enjoyed to learn that he's not a mean person and welcomed him slowly opening up to me.

One day, I was walking down a street looking for somewhat late dinner and I ran into him. He, too, was looking for something to eat, so we agreed to get something together and eat at his place. This was the first time we spent time by ourselves and I was a little nervous, but we ended up having a very good time just talking. I found him very charming and warm, and when I left his place, I felt really warm inside.

Ever since then, when I run into him, he takes a seat at the table I am sitting at (at a bar or a coffee shop) and hangs out for an hour or two. And I'm very much enjoying this "running into him" (we never call each other to meet up though we do have each others phone numbers. I do not know why he doesn't call me, but as for my reasons, I am just deathly afraid of calling him).

It has been like this for a few months now, and my feelings are not going away.
Generally speaking, I am happy with the current situation. Running into him and spending time with him makes me really happy. But at the same time, I do wonder how he feels about me.
A part of me doesn't want to do anything about it. It took us about a year to be this close and I don't want my crush to ruin it (if he is not returning the feelings), and most importantly I do not want my little happy "run-in" to end either.
But the other part of me wonders if he is interested in me, if he has any guts to initiate anything. After asking some male friends who know him, they all agreed that he is not a type who will initiate and that I'll probably have to do something first.

Asking him out is really not an option for me right now, but I am wondering if there is any slight action I can make to let him know that my interest is there (without actually telling him) and see how he reacts to it. Sort of like testing the water.

Do you have any suggestions or recommendation on what I could do?

How should I have picked up my denist's receptionist?

tomw — Wed, 15 Nov 2006 09:22:40 -0800

Just went to my dentist. The receptionist (f) was hot. It didn't seem right saying anything. How should I have handled this and can it be retrieved? ps - i'm shy! I guess I'm especially aiming this at any female metafilterees. She probably had a boyfriend blah blah and I didn't want to make the situation difficult given that it was her professional environment, but I won't be going back for a year. How's this situation best aproached in general?

How can I break the ice with my dad?

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 16:16:34 -0800

I think my dad is too shy to really talk to me. How can I break the ice? I'm 25, he's 53. We had the usual stressful father-son relationship when I was in high school, I guess, but we never fought that hard. He and my mom are still married. Frankly, there's been nothing more awkward or upsetting between us than there is between your average parent and kid — lots of little stuff over the years, but nothing big.

But we don't talk. If I ask anything more personal than "What's new at work?" he finds a way to end the conversation quickly or change the subject. And he honestly seems not to want to know about my personal life. My girlfriend and I have lived together for almost a year, and not once has he asked how she is. If I talk about her — or about our church, or my friends, or anything else remotely personal — he gets all flustered and awkward until I change the subject.

It used to be that he'd read my livejournal, which was a handy way of keeping in touch — I could lock entries he didn't need to see, but he'd still get little day-to-day updates on my life. But about two years ago, when I mentioned a (previous) new girlfriend in a few public entries, he stopped reading. In fact, he announced to me that he was going to stop reading it — he said it "didn't seem appropriate."

Now, I'm sure I'm part of the problem too. When I do make an effort to talk to him, it goes nowhere, so I've stopped making an effort. The few times I've tried telling him I love him, want him in my life, and would be thrilled if we could be more open with each other — well that's flustered him like crazy, and I don't think it's made a positive difference, so I don't do that anymore either.

But what else can I do? How can I include this guy in my life when he's too shy even to listen? (Or is there another explanation for this that I'm being too dense to see?)

One more thing, since someone is always pushing therapy in these threads. My dad has a therapist who he's been seeing for years, and he says it's nice just to have someone to talk to (ack!) but if anything he and I have talked less since he started. I saw a therapist for a while too, and we talked about lots of things — including this problem. It was nice to get it off my chest, but of course the problem itself is still there.

Clueless-what to do about my crush?

bolognius maximus — Fri, 04 Aug 2006 22:46:42 -0800

I am seeking advice/opinions on the situation with my crush. So many questions - is it a hopeless situation? “Hi- (this is a long post, I apologize) I have been friends with this guy for almost 3 years, and I would say we are pretty close. I have had a crush on him for a while. I think it might be helpful to say up front that he is extremely shy, lacking a bit in self-confidence, and has never had a girlfriend or been kissed even. Also important to note is that he is one of those people who does not communicate so well. He rarely makes contact with others. People just know that you have to call him, and he’ll respond, but he won’t do any inviting or anything. (We have talked about it before, he and I, I would bet $500 that he has mild Asperger’s). Other things that I think are important (yes, i overanalyze): he has positive, open body language when around me, he remembers the little details about things we talk about, he makes strong eye contact when we talk, he was making obvious steps at breaking his personal space boundaries with me-though there still seems to be a bit of a wall.

We would hang out a lot and it seemed like he was hinting that he was interested in me. (He was interested in the nature of my friendship with one of his teammates-he thought that maybe I was sleeping with the teammate, but no, we are just friends. He also mentioned to me that even though as a football player he has access to sorority girls, but that’s not what he’s looking for) I am pretty sure that I am the only girl that he hangs out with, especially one-on-one. And we talk about everything. He’s very comfortable with me. I told him at the end of the semester (first week of May) that I like having him as a friend, but that I am interested in him as more than a friend. He didn’t really say anything, and I didn’t hear from him for a month. So I sent him a text, asking him if he wanted to come over and watch movies, and he did. For the next few weekends, he was over on Friday and Saturday nights, we had a great time, and he would always stay until 4 or 5 a.m. He was being flirty (which is not his normal demeanor), and putting out pretty obvious signs that he was interested. The subject of what I said to him was never brought up.

So, I decided to ask him about it. I hit him up on instant messenger, and asked him if he remembered it, and what he thought. He said that he had given it a lot of thought, and that he didn’t know. He also said that I was the first person to ever express interest in him in that way, and he didn’t know how to react. He said that he was (is?) interested, thinks we get along great together, but at the same time was unsure. It was going nowhere, so I asked him if he would feel better talking in person.

He came over, and usually he has no problem talking to me. He was very nervous. He told me that he was interested, that he had liked me before I said anything, that he had spent a lot of time thinking about it, but at the same time he had reservations (like the fact that we both graduate next spring). He started backpedaling and contradicting himself. On one hand he likes me, etc. and on the other not so much. He did admit that he was throwing out signals left and right that he was interested. The conversation wasn’t really helpful, and I was more confused.

I wrote him a letter. In it, I reiterated how I felt, and asked him for clarification on his thoughts. One of my friends helped me write it, and she phrased it so that he would have to decide if he wanted to date me or not. (I shoot from the hip, but usually not so girly). He responded, and his letter had more contradictions. He said that the letter made him feel "uneasy and a bit trapped". At the end, he said that if he has to make a choice now, he would have to say no-but that could change. A couple things were a little hurtful (but I don't feel that he was trying deliberately to hurt my feelings-he has issues with communicating). For example, he is on the football team. I am a tutor for the athletics department, and most of the football players know who I am (I am good friends with a few of them too). He said that it would be weird and embarrassing. His letter seems to have a lot of fear in it. I decided to just continue being friends, because I do value his friendship.

I invited him over via text a week later, just like I usually do. He responded in less than 5 minutes, came over, and it was just like before the letters. He was flirty, we had a blast, he stayed until 5 a.m. He also came over the next weekend, but it was a little weird. We were both really tired (but he still came over), and he wasn’t very talkative, and it seemed like there was something he wasn’t telling me. I asked him before he left if something was wrong, and he said no, but he turned red (so I think he wasn’t being truthful).

I guess I have a few questions. I am kinda clueless when it comes to this sort of thing. Does it seem like he’s interested or not? Why would he contradict himself? Is it foolish to think that he might come around and change his mind (if it does need changing-not sure here)? Why would he act flirty if he didn’t want to go there? Do you think he comes over because he feels bad about it, or has nothing better to do? Do you think that he just needs it to move at his pace? Should I quit acting like the buddy, being more flirty? Why the mixed messages? Is it just a hopeless situation (am I doomed to the Friend Zone)?

I feel like that if he really wasn’t interested in me that he would try to avoid me, because it would be awkward (am i off base?). I also would think that if he wasn’t interested at all, he would tell me that he likes me just as a friend. I feel like maybe he contradicted himself because I scared him and it moved too quickly for him. I think that actions speak louder than words, and that (maybe) guys don’t spend that much time with girls that they aren’t interested in. I think that the positives and negatives don’t add up. I don’t want to cling to false hopes, but I want to be fair. He’s the type of guy that ‘normal’ guy standards don’t seem to apply to.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and again, sorry it is so long. I hope someone can offer some advice or insight.

Making New Friends

bonheur — Wed, 07 Apr 2004 14:38:04 -0800

I'm new to Minneapolis, fresh out of college, working at a job where my co-workers are much older than me, and I'm feeling a bit stumped over how to go about finding some new friends. I enjoy rock shows, bike riding, indie movies etc., but I feel shy going out all by myself. What are some good ways to find a niche and some good pals in a new town? Besides Metafilter meet-ups, of course.