Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with shame

How can I deal with my acute feelings of shame?

Anonymous — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 14:45:14 -0800

I feel intense, acute, brief episodes of shame every day, several times a day. What can I do about them? The frequency varies, but the few times I attempted to count, I got an average of about 5-10 such episodes per day. These are unbidden, intrusive thoughts, and very, very intense: say, 8/10. I've been diagnosed with GAD and social anxiety disorder, and these episodes almost always center around real or imagined social and/or moral transgressions. Some of them are staggeringly minor, when compared to the amount of distress they cause me. They are minor social gaffes that I committed years ago, things that I'm positive no one but me remembers: For example, introducing two people who happened to already know each other. Thinking about my more severe regrets and mistakes also triggers this shame reaction, though. It only occurred to me in the past few years that this might be unusual - it's been happening to me for as long as I can remember.

I am in therapy, and I have brought this up to my doctor, who suggested briefly that such repetitive, intrusive thoughts may be symptomatic of OCD. We have not talked about it at length, mostly because I find the idea of recounting these episodes that cause my feelings of shame to be ... shameful. I have no behavioral compulsions (hand-washing, turning off the stove, etc), except for a habit of repeatedly checking to make sure I haven't lost anything, even when I just already checked, when I'm outside my house. It doesn't really interfere with my life, though: I still go out, and it doesn't cause me much distress.

What can I do about this? I've flirted with vipassana meditation, but I generally found it made my anxiety worse. My usual reaction to these episodes is to try to push them out of my mind, but I've seen some recent research on thought suppression that suggests that's actually quite counter-productive. I don't know how to overcome that strong "stop thinking about this now" reaction when confronted with such intense, negative feelings. Is there something else I can try? Have you experienced this?

Help me clone a Hamburger Helper recipe.

kingjoeshmoe — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 11:56:59 -0800

Help me recreate the flavor of discontinued Hamburger Helper (either Pizza Pasta or the original Cheesy Italian Shells, before they reworked and ruined it)! Never have I been so tempted to ask a question anonymously. I really liked these two flavors of Hamburger Helper (they're very similar to each other), and they're completely unlike anything I have made using actual, real ingredients. I have no idea how to even begin recreating the flavor I want.

What combination of ingredients can get you the "cheese topping"? I know it uses milk, and probably lots of sugar, but not much beyond that. Some kind of actual cheese, I assume? What spices make their "tomato" sauce work? More sugar I'm guessing, but what else?

Can you help me?

I'm disgusted by what turns me on. Please help.

Anonymous — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 08:25:04 -0800

It seems like the only thing that can get me off is extremely unpleasant written erotica (details inside, to keep the front page clean). Do I have a problem? Should I see a therapist? Background info that might be relevant: I'm female, North American, raised Catholic but not at all religious, 20, and I've never had a sexual or romantic relationship of any kind. Hell, I've never even been kissed. I'm pretty sure I'm straight, but the jury is out on whether I'm asexual (I've never really felt sexually attracted to someone else, but I figure I haven't had enough experience to be sure).

I discovered masturbation a few years ago. Porn does nothing for me; I only seem to orgasm from written erotica, of the sort that can be found at the alt.sex.stories text repository and other places on the net. The problem is, the vanilla stuff is no good either. What turns me on is really horrifying and taboo content - we're talking rape, torture, pedophilia, sometimes all three at once. If I try to keep reading afterwards, or by the light of day, I'm disgusted with myself because of how vile it is, and sometimes I tell myself "never again!" but I usually manage to convince myself to rescind that in a few days or weeks. So - is this something I need to get help for? If so, is it because I shouldn't feel so guilty about things, or because I'm a despicable human being to be having this fetish in the first place?

On the one hand, I tell myself that it is only written erotica. There is definitely no one getting hurt (if I watched porn, I might be less fully convinced, but I don't so it's moot). On the other hand, if things like this and this are happening - and I read more than enough "people who like this stuff make me sick" comments on those threads - then surely people are seeing some sort of inherent wrong in material of this sort. I know that I would never rape or hurt someone - the idea of even, say, slapping someone in anger turns my stomach - but even disregarding my personal qualms, I only read male-on-female stuff and being female makes it kind of impossible to act out that scenario as an aggressor.

If this is something only confined to the dark hours of the night in my bedroom, is it still wrong? If it is wrong, can I really do anything about it aside from hate myself? I think it's been around forever (though I didn't think of it as a sexual thing until recently), since I remember reading a rape scene in a (crappy sequel to) Dune book when I was pretty young and it caught my attention in a way other sex scenes hadn't. Can something that hardwired really be ripped out, and will I have anything left after? Would I accomplish as much by just giving up ever masturbating at all?

Anyways, I'm sorry for being a bit disjointed and rambly, and very sorry if I've offended or disturbed anyone reading this. I'm confused and ashamed and would rather not see a therapist, since I'm far from wealthy, but if there's nothing else to be done I suppose I will have to take the plunge. If you're uncomfortable answering here, I have a throwaway account at : sickorjustsick@gmail.com. Thank you very much, anyone who answers; I really, really appreciate any counsel your wiser heads have to offer.

The shame of cancer?

Quietgal — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 14:11:00 -0800

Why was cancer once considered a shameful disease? Ignorance about how cancer is "caught"? Or were all lingering, wasting, potentially disfiguring diseases equally shameful?

Am I marked as defective forever with Borderline Personality Disorder?

beautifulcheese — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 11:20:59 -0800

How do you shake off the shame of being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder? Will anyone ever want to be my friend again? I've been depressed for decades and thought that was just the main problem but after spending four days in the hospital (suicidal idealization hold) a psychiatrist (whom I only met for 15 mins) mentioned that I had Borderline Personality Disorder and that I will have suicidal thoughts forever. She didn't explain what it was but from searching the net and past experiences with people with BPD I know it isn't a good thing.

I feel such a sense of shame and do not know what to do. I feel embarrassed to leave the house and fear that I will never ever have any friends or lovers again in my life because no one wants to be with someone with BPD.

I also feel betrayed that my regular therapist and psychiatrist never told me this and probably hate me and find me difficult to work with and are hiding other diagnoses from me.

All I can think is that every feeling and action I do now is suspect and that I will always be seen as a manipulative bitch. Which is the worst thing to me as I've been raised to be polite at all costs and to never bother anyone. If I was bleeding to death on the floor and it was after 10pm I wouldn't phone you for help because that would be rude.

Is it possible to shake off the shame of this or will I always feel like this? How do I adjust to being alone forever now? I've been single and sexless for ten years due to the depression and now to think I will be that way for another 50 years is awful.

Pulling the Fat out of the Fire

Anonymous — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 09:01:30 -0800

I have fucked up yet another academic semester. This is the third time--I fucked up as a freshman, took time off, came back, fucked up again, took more time off, and came back and have repeated the cycle. Only now, now that I've realized I've shot myself in the foot again, I desperately want to recover my academic career somehow. Is it possible? Is it over? The story: I should not have gone to school straight from high school for a wide variety of reasons. College did a LOT for me in terms of personal/social development, but due to depression, ADHD, procrastination, and persistent self-sabatoge, academically it's a wash.

Crashed and burned after the first few semesters. Took over a year off working in the real world. Came back full of hope and promise, changed major. Repeated old academic habits, crashed and burned again. Took more time off, worked in a different area of the real world and developed an appreciation for a degree that would get me off of minimum wage. Came back full of hope and promise, changed major. Repeated old academic habits, have now crashed and burned for the third time.

Habits are as such: Attend the first few weeks of class. The material is interesting, as always! The conversations with the professors are interesting, as always! This is going to be it! This semester I will SUCCEED!

I miss an assignment and/or a few classes. I fuck around on the computer, I get behind. I feel ashamed about this and decide I won't go back to class until I am caught up--MORE than caught up so I can return like the prodigal son. Of course, I never catch up and spend all my time procrastinating and fucking around. Shame deepens, I escape further into procrastination, fucking around, internet addiction. End semester with series of Fs, sometimes do not even attend final exams. This semester I am on schedule for that track, having whittled my schedule to a shadow of what it was in the beginning of the semester and turned in no homework and failed all tests for what classes were left.

Each time I've come back, I've been thinking that if after my break I can pull some really good semesters until graduation, that will sort of redeem me in the eyes of any potential employers or grad schools. But with only three semesters left now, this one already full of failures, two breaks and all my other semesters of failures behind them, I am afraid it's a lost cause.

But it can't be! Yesterday my counselor gave me the revelation that I have been fucking myself over with the big "shaming voice" inside my head, and I've been letting it turn me miserable and listless in the face of the most minor academic failures, turning small failures into big ones and giving it more ammo. Unfortunately, while this revelation led to a night of some of the most furious and successful studying of my life it was not enough to pull this last midterm out of the fire, and has basically doomed my grade for yet another class this semester.

I feel--no, I know--if I could have had a handle on this sooner my academic life would have been a lot different. I want to try academics again, anew. How do I do that? I have so few semesters left, and so little money, that starting over somewhere else would be silly. Is there anything I can do to salvage this semester? To salvage the rest of my academic career? I don't even know where to start.

Paralyzed With Resentment

Anonymous — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 14:30:23 -0800

How can I stop thinking about my father's bigotry, hatred, and intolerance? With the impending election, emotions are crazy right now. My father (and mother), a die hard Republican, is driving me crazy. I know that Republican does not equal racism or intolerance, but my father is a racist and intolerant. He knows I am voting Democrat this year and we are both tense and on the offensive. I rarely discuss politics with him because it's useless. He is unable to engage in civilized conversation. He mostly yells, interrupts, storms out of the room, and bullies me.

Differing political ideology isn't the only thing that is bothering me. I can't stop thinking about the time (three years ago) he told me he thought faulty parenting caused my cousin to be gay. I can't stop thinking about the time when he wanted to join the KKK, and had literature on his desk about the KKK. I think he was a member for a short time. Other things keep running through my head: The time he told me people that wore Malcom X hats were idiots. The endless and numerous lectures that black people were only looking for handouts. The time he accused my mother of raising my sibling and I as "nigger lovers".

In the last several years he has toned down his language, but I know he still holds these beliefs. He rarely used the N-word around growing up. He never denounced homosexuality outright. He has said, I don't care what gay men do, but some of them "do disgusting things." I hate him for it. He has sent me derogatory, racist emails and YouTube links denouncing Obama. He and my mother think all Democrats are "mean and hateful" and "will bite you on the hand if you let them." They also claim that Democrats are either looking for a welfare check, have class envy, or are elitists. I take all of their opinions as a personal attack and feel paralyzed by it. My chest hurts. I get headaches. I'm stressed. I've started clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth for the first time in my life. I feel like my father is a monster in a way. Who is this man that raised me? I'm ashamed. I'm envious of people that have normal relationships with their parents. At times I feel I don't want my kids around him, even though he never says anything hateful around my kids. I visit my parents almost weekly. On one of the latest visits he apologized for sending me emails. I never complained about the emails, he just apologized out of the blue.

I'm looking for coping strategies. I wish I could forget about his ignorant ways and accept that he is only fearful. How do I continue a relationship with him without feeling defensive and angry? I'm going crazy. I resent my mother for loving and marrying someone like this. I resent her for sharing his views. I'm on the defensive with both of my parents. I live 10 minutes away. I cannot cut ties. My father and I have had a very strained relationship for a long, long time. He was abusive in my childhood, all the way up to my late teens. Some years were better than others. The running theme was that my father never cared about my opinions. He isn't, and was never, interested in my life. In my dreams, aspirations, or thoughts. I don't think he respects my profession or my gender. I expressed interest in returning to school for my graduate degree. He asked, "What for? and "Why would you want to do that?"

I'm afraid of him in a way. I'm afraid of confrontation. I pleaded with my husband not to put an Obama sticker on his vehicle because, "I didn't want to deal with my father's bullshit."

Even if he wasn't a bigot, I'd still have the past abuse to deal with. I don't blame them for my problems but I do have resentment that surfaces on a regular basis. I'm in my mid thirties now. I've been to months and months of therapy. I thought I had all of this behind me. My father and mother are not without their good qualities. I want a relationship with them. Cutting ties at this stage in our lives would be painful, I think. I do try to avoid them. I don't call my parents as much as I used to. I sometimes blow off visits. I mostly dread visiting them. I'm ill at ease when I'm there. When I speak with my mother on the phone, I'm not myself. I'm afraid of what they might think. I'm afraid that they will judge me and think poorly of my decisions.

How do I cope? How can I be around them and stop being so defensive and angry? How can I relax? I want to be the enlightened person that can maintain a relationship with them without wanting to scream, or hate them.

Looking for some inspiration about overcoming shame.

MiggySawdust — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 14:58:01 -0800

Looking for some inspiration about overcoming shame. Anybody have any suggestions for an inspiring book or movie about someone overcoming immense feelings of shame for who they are and then living a fulfilling life? Preferably from a straight 40ish masculine perspective. Thanks.

I would say "help

Anonymous — Fri, 23 May 2008 18:28:32 -0800

Basically, I want to talk to someone without feeling judged. Both now and in general. I have two related problems.

1. When I get upset, it's very hard for me to ask for help, even from close friends. I am afraid that they will judge me, find my problems annoying, think I'm whining, roll their eyes at me, etc. This is not because they do this (most of the time) but because, clearly, I am an imperfect person with some irrational fears (like everyone else in the world). Frankly, even asking this question makes me so deeply uncomfortable that I am doing it anonymously despite the fact that it is basically innocuous.

2. I'm upset right now. (No dire emergency, but I really wish I could talk to someone about it).

So I guess I have kind of a two-part question, because I need to either solve problem 1 and reach out to one of my friends or solve problem 2 in some other way. What that other way might be, I am not sure. How to get over my inability to ask for help, I don't know.

I'm not that seriously upset right now, but it occurs to me that it might be a good idea for me to work on this while I can because I'm not going to have time when something serious does come up.

Thanks in advance for your advice. For this question, I can be reached at lamezilla[at]gmail.

Practical strategies for learning how to accept yourself, failures and all?

Anonymous — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 06:20:33 -0800

I realized recently that I’m ashamed of myself at a deep fundamental level. When I fail at something big or small, I beat myself up emotionally more than I should and feel ashamed. I realize that this is not emotionally healthy, but I’m not really sure what I can do to change the dynamic. An example of how this plays itself out in my life: sometimes at work I’ll procrastinate. When this happens, I feel awful. It’s not just that I’m frustrated by my lack of progress on the daily minutia that makes up my work life. I beat my self up for procrastinating and tell myself that I should be better than this, that by this point in my life someone like me should be beyond this type of issue. I worry that my incompetence in time-management is totally obvious to everyone around me. I have this deep-ceded fear of being caught, of people seeing me for who I really am. By the end of a non-productive afternoon, I’m twitchy, grumpy, and stressed out, and I feel ashamed of my performance at work. The emotional response is powerful and way out of proportion to what happened, and it makes me feel really anti-social, like I just want to curl up and hide from the world.

But in addition to the ups and downs of day-to-day life, there are also parts of myself that I’m deeply ashamed at a more general level. For instance, I’m overweight, the heaviest I’ve ever been in my entire life, and not athletic. Because of this, I feel unattractive, and ashamed of the way I look. I’m embarrassed when I look at myself in the mirror.

Then there’s my career path, or lack there of. While I have a job that’s been good to me at a prestigious Fortune 100 company, I don’t have a defined career path and I have no idea where I’m going. The biggest surprise about the post-college transition has been how much I’ve mourned losing the ability to legitimately claim the identity of “student”. In my new post-student status I’ve been unprepared for that fact that “what I do” largely defines who I am and in the 4 years since graduating I’ve failed to come up with an answer to the inevitable cocktail party question that I’m genuinely proud of. I cringe inside every time I have to give my answer about still “figuring out what I’m going to do” to a new acquaintance or colleague.

(Of course I know that I’m hardly alone in my predicament as far as careers go, and aware of the fact that many people who think they have this figured out at my age end up being proved wrong and changing careers down the line anyway. But at this point in my life I’d rather be wrong than indecisive, and the career decisions I’ve made since graduating have been reactive and haphazard. The point is I’m not proud at the manner in which I’ve handled my career planning over the past 4 years, and it feels like a significant failing to me.)

When I think about my various flaws and failings, my first thought for how to go about losing this sense of shame is that I should focus on improving myself. I tell myself that once I’ve fixed my problems I will no longer feel the shame I feel now. There’s a certain amount of logic to this thought process, but when I think about it I realize that a “problem-oriented” approach to my emotions is fundamentally flawed--I can’t wait until everything is fixed to accept myself, because I’ll never stop waiting.

So the question then becomes, if I don’t become more accepting of myself through self-improvement what, exactly, do I do? What steps can I take to accept myself for who I am, flaws and all, in an emotionally healthy way? And whatever it is that I should do, does it conflict with the self-improvement actions that I’m naturally inclined towards, given that by undertaking a self improvement process I’m implicitly stating that there’s something wrong with me?

There’s part of me that’s worried that if I were to accept myself the way I’m now, I’d stop changing, stop growing, and I’d have to (paradoxically) give up on my aspirations of being the person I want to be. I’ve tried to analyze people that I know who are happy and satisfied with themselves to see if I can gain any insights into this. They all have flaws after all, and they are still growing and improving themselves, but that does not prevent them from being satisfied with their current station in life. But they also have an almost Zen-like acceptance of who they are, where they are, and what they are doing that seems to be largely unaffected by external events. That’s a frustratingly difficult quality to try and emulate.

So, what should I do?

P.S.: Throwaway email, incase anyone wants to respond privately: learntoacceptmyself@gmail.com

Quotation about men and brothels?

gelcap — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 10:42:46 -0800

Famous old quotation about men, whorehouses and shame? I used to know it, or at least who said it. I think it may have been someone French, some sort of long-dead intellectual not primarily known for his debauchery, who said something like:

"In each man's life there comes a moment when he must face the shame of exiting a whorehouse in the morning"

or

"No purer shame be there for any man than to stumble home in the morning from a whorehouse"

that kind of thing. Any ideas?

How can I help my boyfriend face his serious, long-term roach problem?

Anonymous — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 08:05:21 -0800

How can I help my boyfriend face his serious, long-term roach problem? I'm not asking how to kill roaches (which has been well covered here and elsewhere); I'm asking how to help someone get past his denial and shame about a roach problem so he can do something about it.

This is a totally odd situation because this person is otherwise extremely capable, responsible and mature. He holds down a demanding tech job, accomplishes cool things outside his job, and is a stellar partner for me in human terms (not to mention in bed). But he seems to have some hangups that have made for a crazy long-term roach problem.

For example, while he certainly makes enough money to hire a professional cleaning person to give his kitchen and bathroom the deep cleaning they desperately need, he says he is really uncomfortable hiring someone to do what he should be doing. But he won't do it himself. He'll spend a weekend "cleaning" his place, but that doesn't mean scrubbing the kitchen countertops or sealing up the food sources -- it means arranging his large collections of tech stuff in different ways, or carefully designing and building new shelves to display said stuff, or something else unrelated to the roach problem.

As another example, when I'm there and we see the bugs around us (they have at least some presence in every room), he acknowledges them and seems really upset about them, but doesn't want to talk about practical solutions, or says something counterintuitive like "I don't know where they're coming from!" (this while we're sitting 15 feet from a kitchen where every surface of every countertop and appliance is decorated in layers of roach shit). If I say, "They're here because they can find food here," he's back into his loop of shame around cleaning and not wanting someone else to have to do it for him. And if I take any stab at, say, starting to clean out the fridge or washing the dishes myself, he asks me not to because it's seriously nasty in there (which is true) and he wants to do it himself.

The roach problem has been getting slowly, steadily worse for a long time. I feel like every attempt to discuss it rationally touches some strong sensitivity in him that so far I can't get past or understand.

I have my own (bug-free) apartment for him to come visit, which definitely isn't ideal because his place is MUCH quieter, is in a nicer area, has internet, and is an easier commute to his job. But sticking to only my place might be the only solution left for the moment, because I'm just not sleeping in his apartment any more until it gets much better. (I already sleep in his second bedroom when I'm at his place, because it has the fewest roaches of any of his rooms. Actually I was moved to ask this question because at his point, even this second bedroom has enough roaches that I can't sleep there without them occasionally crawling on me.)

I'm not sure where to go with this. I obviously need to communicate more clearly than I have. I have been consistently clear about my opinion that the roaches are in his apartment because they can find food there, and he's been consistently contrite, saying he "needs to clean," but it never happens. When he says he doesn't have time to clean, I bring up the idea of a pro cleaning person and he always says that's not something he can make someone else do. And he doesn't want me doing it (and neither do I, for a number of reasons -- not least because I don't want to be the dutiful girlfriend swooping in to clean up and make everything okay when it's this far past logic). What do you think?

Are incest fantasies common? Are they healthy and acceptable?

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Feb 2006 16:26:38 -0800

Questions about a sexual fantasy that may be disturbing to some people. How common are incest fantasies (and I do stress the fantasies part - they have nothing to do with real life or real people. And no minors in the fantasies.)? Are they considered psychologically healthy fantasies to have? Are there theories as to the roots of such fantasies?

If they are healthy fantasies, will they ever become more socially acceptable, as bdsm and rape fantasies have done? And if anyone who has these fantasies him/herself is willing to speak up, how have you dealt with the shame attached? Are you able to be open about these fantasies to trusted significant others, friends or family?

And if they are not healthy, would simply trying to suppress them and not think about them make them worst or more intense?

I would love to hear people's personal opinions, but any helpful quotes from or links to professional studies and opinions would also be very much appeciated, as google didn't turn up any. Your comments may save me from unbearable shame and constantly beating myself up - I'm getting sick and tired of it and have enough other emotional problems to deal with already. I sincerely thank you for any helpful advice you can give me.

Cities that have changed their names

interrobang — Thu, 29 Dec 2005 17:55:42 -0800

Have any U.S. cities (or cities elsewhere) ever changed their name out of embarrassment? If so, what were the reasons?

The Gods Require Blood!

LarryC — Fri, 16 Sep 2005 15:03:06 -0800

Help my students design a parade float based on the theme of Aztec human sacrifice. I am the faculty advisor for a student club at my university. For the Homecoming Parade in two weeks, they are designing a float based on the theme of human sacrifice. They want to dress up like Aztec priests, build an Aztec temple on the back of a pickup truck, and then ritually sacrifice the mascot of the opposing team, the Bulldogs. We need advice!

1. The priestly costumes. Any ideas how to make costumes like these? 1, 2, 3.

2. Buckets of Blood. The students want lots of gore. How do we make a fake human heart? There are plenty of recipes for fake blood on the internet, does anyone have a personal recommendation?

3. Spurting Blood: In a proper Aztec sacrifice, the chest is cut open and still-beating heart yanked out in two perfect motions. Of course, they want blood to spurt all the hell over. Do we use some kind of pumps? Pressurized balloons of blood?

4. Music. Is there some spooky Latin/Indian sounding music we should use?

5. Stealth and Misdirection. The powers that be might not like this plan, so the float needs to appear fairly innocuous until it is underway. I am thinking we have a banner across the truck that reads "Aztec Culture" with the "Culture" changing to "Sacrifice" after the parade officials are past. Any other ideas?

All other advice or observations welcome. We will be working on this for a couple weeks and will develop other questions that I will post in this thread. If they pull it off I will post pictures.

The Happy Happy Fun Bag.

mecran01 — Wed, 30 Mar 2005 08:04:05 -0800

I picked up 50 digitech guitar pedal bags at the local thrift store, cheap. My wife is laughing at me as I try to get rid of them. Basically, they are these nylon, padded bags, black, about 8 inches wide and either 22 or 27 inches long. Maybe three inches deep.

I just want help brainstorming what these could be used for, so I can unload them. I don't even need to charge more than two bucks apiece.

Some possible uses (target markets!) include:

very short rifle case
guitar pedal bag
collapsible blowguns

I'm thinking there has to be some arcane item that will fit in these. I was hoping that the garageband midi controller would fit, then I could call them "I-bags" and charge like 30 bucks but they're too small.

Lend me your creative insights, please. I suck as a capitalist/entrepreneur.

p.s. this is not a thinly veiled attempt to sell these via ask.mefi, honest.