Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sexuality

How do I keep my raging lust in check while getting to know someone?

velvet winter — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 18:07:00 -0800

Please share with me your best tips for keeping my raging lust in check while I'm getting to know someone I find very attractive. I’m a single woman in my early forties, and I recently met someone who's incredibly hot and sexy, as in "he makes me utterly weak in the knees with ravenous, raw, I-just-want-to-throw-caution-to-the-wind-and-fuck-you-senseless lust."

It’s been many years since I met anyone who stirred up such primal feelings of passionate sexual desire in me. Frankly, I was beginning to think I no longer had it in me to feel this kind of erotic attraction, especially this early on in the process of getting to know someone. Oh, was I ever wrong!

This man is someone I will continue to encounter in a social context on a semi-regular basis, since we hang out in some of the same places. We are casual acquaintances – we have several mutual friends, and these social connections are very important to me, so I want to tread carefully. I’m pretty sure he likes me so far and enjoys chatting with me about our common interests whenever our paths cross, but really, we hardly know each other at this point. I think he’s single, but I don’t know for sure, and even if he is, I have no idea whether he’s attracted to me at all or would ever want to date me. I’ve considered asking him out, and I might do that eventually if he seems receptive, but at this point I feel too emotionally and hormonally overwhelmed even to engage in a simple bit of low-stakes flirting to test the waters. I sometimes find myself nervously freezing up and hastily excusing myself when I’d really rather be continuing the conversation with him, and therein lies the problem.

Feeling this way about another human being is beautiful, to be sure, but it’s also frightening and unsettling. I get tongue-tied and jittery around him. I fear I will unwittingly tip my hand too soon or come on too strong, and ungracefully ruin my chances of having at least a friendship with him if it turns out he’s not single, if the interest isn’t mutual, or if either of us discovers that there is some kind of deal-breaker here. (This has happened before in my life - my erotic attraction once obliterated a budding friendship, to my great dismay - so the fear isn’t unwarranted).

Here’s what complicates matters even further:

1) I have been single, dateless and celibate for a long time and am craving companionship and sexual attention.

2) My sexual confidence is still shaky and I bear scars from a pattern of long-term emotional withdrawal and repeated sexual rejection in my last relationship.

3) This man is quite a bit younger than me (the “cougar” stereotype sucks!)

It would be an understatement to say I am less-than-optimally equipped to sanely handle voracious erotic desire for someone in this context. Help! How do I keep my intense lust and anxiety from interfering with the process of getting to know him better? If I find out he’s taken, not interested, or incompatible with me, it’ll cool my jets quickly. But in the meantime, I need some coping strategies to help me clear mental and emotional space to get to know him.

I read through several earlier AskMe threads on dealing with crushes, dating and attraction, but couldn’t find anything from this angle. Any and all advice is appreciated, and personal anecdotes are very welcome, especially from other lusty middle-aged women who’ve successfully navigated similar situations.

Springsteen doesn't have any songs for problems like mine

Spock Puppet — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 00:16:19 -0800

I've been told by several people that I kiss "like a high schooler," and that this is a bad thing. I'm a straight male in my mid-20s and relatively a n00b, sexually. What are ways for me to become more mature in my physical intimacy? I feel like I "missed out" on the learning phase of high school relationships as well as participating in the sea of debauchery that college was supposed to been. I don't want it to become a fixation, or to get resentful, but am afraid that's what's happening. It seems to be very much a turn-off to girls, and is confounding my efforts to further explore my sexuality.

So, I guess I'm asking what things you mefites find have changed about your smoochin' and cuddlin' and medium-petting styles from your teen years to now.

Also, a corollary: Are there any common, "any moron should know this" signals that someone is not enjoying the way an encounter is going? I understand the rules of consent and asking if things are OK and that "no" means "no," but I'm talking more about the subtle signals for something like "change the way you're holding me," "use less/more pressure," etc.

Should a parent mention their bisexual past to their gay teen?

Anonymous — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 10:30:48 -0800

My 14-yo son has recently come out to me as gay. Should I share anything about the "experimental" phase of my youth? Although I've had inklings for a while, my 14-yo son recently decided to come out to me as gay. He's apparently been questioning his sexuality as early as 5th grade, and by 7th-8th grade was pretty convinced and has shared this information with a few close friends.

We live in an extremely liberal community, and he doesn't seem to be "struggling" or having concerns about the sexuality aspect itself--his friends have been supportive and accepting. The recent coming-out was, I believe, precipitated by some unpleasantness involving unrequited feelings for a friend of his.

I am wondering if it is now or ever would be appropriate to bring up my own sexuality history, in which my first "serious" relationship in late high school/early college was with a woman (and there was some minor sexual experimentation with a previous female best friend when we were 13-14). I ultimately realized I wasn't strongly sexually attracted to "women" per se--only my best friends--and have not had any lesbian relationships in the intervening 22 years.

On the one hand, I suppose parental sexuality of any sort is something that falls into the category of "the less said, the better" for most kids. On the other hand, it wouldn't seem outrageous or inappropriate to mention the mere existence of previous heterosexual relationships during that phase of my life, would it?

I guess part of my motivation might be to offer a gesture reciprocating the enormous amount of trust and confidence that my son has offered me by coming out in the first place. On yet another hand, I also understand that parent-child relationships are not always meant to be reciprocal in certain regards.

Other details: my husband is aware of this history; I've not told anyone else in my family. I am still casual friends with the woman in question, who maintained a bisexual lifestyle for quite a bit longer, although she trended more hetero over the years and has been in a straight (now married) relationship with the same man for the past 10 years or so. My son knows her and they converse on topics of mutual interest from time to time. Sort of a long-distance "cool pseudo-aunt" relationship. It is, of course, theoretically possible to mention that I once was in a lesbian relationship without naming names.

If you want to respond privately, you can e-mail the throwaway notreallyme6607@gmail.com

crazy little thing called the love that dare not speak its name

Jon_Evil — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 07:16:55 -0800

I need some academically credible synonyms for same-sex erotic activity that are less ambiguous than "gay sex" and less clinical-sounding than "homosexual contact." I'm helping to revise a 30-year-old book about human sexuality for re-publication, and the state of homo-politico-linguistics has changed considerably. The author refers to "gays" as a demographic group, but sometimes he's talking about only exclusively homosexual-identifying men, and sometimes about anyone of any gender that's ever slipped a bit towards the right of the Kinsey scale. He uses "gay sex" in a similarly inconsistent way.

The problem with "Queer" and its derivatives is that it's still a loaded term, and while pretty much everyone under thirty sees it as a positive description, older people (including the author) see it as a slur.

Just to be clear, I'm not looking for names of specific acts, but a generalized term for everything along the spectrum from kissing to fisting, just as long as you keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay.

How long should I wait?

RawrGulMuffins — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 11:53:53 -0800

Question’s about my virgin girlfriend pertaining to sex and sexuality. History: I’ve been dating this girl for about 6-7 months now; it took about 3 months to win her over. I knew going into the relationship that she was a virgin so it wasn’t a surprise that we didn’t have sex right off the bat. What did surprise me is that until very recently she was uncomfortable just making out with me.

I am very much not a virgin (male if it matters). In fact I’d say that sex is about my favorite activity, and as such waiting this long has been a bit difficult. When I think about my ideal woman, the perfect person who has everything I desire, my Girl comes pretty damn close. Obviously there are little things that bother me, but I really want what we have going to work out. I would very much regret looking back five years from now and thinking that I fucked up because I couldn’t wait just a little bit longer.

Pertinent information: My girl admitted she had(s) low self-esteem about her body. It surprised the shit out of me because A) she’s truly, stupidly beautiful, B) it seems to be the only self-esteem issue she has. There has been no long term boyfriend’s before me, although she had a crush on a guy for 6 years through her school life.

There is no history of sexual abuse or mistreatment on either side. We’re both 21 years old. She rarely tries to masturbate, maybe once a month if that. She’s also never orgasmed but that doesn’t seem uncommon for females her age.

My Girl has said that she doesn’t think her libido is naturally non-existent, and there has been improvement on her side of the equation. It’s just taking a hell of a long time for things to get going.

She doesn't want to bring medical help into this situation yet, she doesn't enjoy accepting help on intensely personal things.

Questions: 1: If she doesn’t have a naturally non-existent sex drive, about how long do you think it would take for her to discover her sexuality? I know it’s impossible to give a time-table on this sort of things, but a general guess would help me immensely. Personal anecdotes very much welcome.

2: This is a deal breaker for me and at this point I’m attempting to stay in the relationship to see if things “improve.” Has anyone ever been in my position before, and if so how long did you wait until you were certain you weren’t making a mistake by leaving your SO?

3: I’m going sexually nuts, is there anything (other then masturbation, it’s getting old) a man can do to lower his sex drive, especially in the presence of my very attractive girlfriend?

I want you, I want to be you -- help?

jikeda — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 03:47:10 -0800

I'm 25 years old, male, attracted to women. I have some funny fetishes, and there is something called "autogynephilia", love of oneself as a woman, that I'm pretty sure applies to me. What kind of woman can I get into a relationship with who would be understanding? As a young kid, 5-10 years old, I discovered that certain types of clothing gave me an immense amount of pleasure. These were things that were particularly tight, often thick, and encompassing when I put them on, like furry costumes, fleece jackets, and spandex. I remember laying in bed at night, feeling these funny sort of waves of ecstasy, imagining what it would be like to put on a thick dog costume that fully hugged my body.

When I was 12 or 13, girls started looking really cute. The idea of being with a girl seemed like an awesome one, and naturally I got into a few relationships in junior high and high school. In these relationships though, I'd become deeply attached to the girl I was with, see her as the most perfect thing in the entire world, and basically lose all self confidence, seeing myself as ugly, disgusting, and flawed. My insecurities would inevitably cause the relationship to implode.

During these relationships I always kept hidden my clothing fetish, which never went away. In private I would put on fleece winter jackets, women's bathing suits, and ski masks. When I was 14 or 15, I started feeling a new physical urge -- the urge to be penetrated. I began experimenting in the shower with various small household objects. I found a strange new pleasure in doing this.

As relationships moved past kissing and into more advanced territory, I had a problem. My libido was very fickle: sometimes I'd be turned on and able to enjoy the moment, but often I'd just be thinking too much, going through the motions, and worrying about my performance. In these moments, I'd be totally unfeeling, as if my libido had gone numb. In college, when sex became even more central to the relationships I was in, this numbness became the core of my insecurity. (I dated a girl named Sarah my senior year in college. She was very comfortable with her sexuality, which, given my erectile difficulties, made me feel constantly inadequate. I became so desperate to please her that I secretly took Cialis every day to ensure I'd always be ready.)

It was during college that I noticed a final facet of my sexuality: I was actually jealous of the girls I was with. I wanted to be so attractive, I wanted to wear those tight clothes, I wanted to be the one who was penetrated. (To stay turned on during sex with Sarah, I once imagined myself as the one being penetrated... and oddly, it worked.) It killed me to see all the attention that my girlfriends would get, though I'd always do my best to hide those feelings.

It's been a long journey of trying to figure out and deal with this odd gender/sexual configuration that I seem to have. If I could suddenly totally transform myself entirely into a cute girl, I would probably do that, but I look as masculine as the next guy, and I'm OK with how I look, so I have no interest in becoming female. Though I often fantasize about being penetrated and playing a submissive sexual role, I am not physically attracted to men and have no interest in being with one. I am, I guess, a heterosexual guy. I'm most comfortable dressing and acting like one too.

I am now well into the adult phase of my life and sex is becoming less important as I grow older. What I really want and miss is having the intimacy and companionship of a fun and understanding woman who I also find attractive. I also hope to get married some day and, with the right woman, would love to have kids.

Can anyone identify with any of this? What kind of girl should I look for who could understand and accept this? How do I meet her?

Who are our Pansexual Icons?

divabat — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 16:23:57 -0800

There are gay icons and lesbian icons - are there people who are bisexual/pansexual icons? I don't necessarily mean icons who are bisexual/pansexual (though they can be), but people who particularly appeal to bi/pan people the same way gay icons are, well, icons. How would you define such a person anyway?

I asked this on a LJ community for pansexuals and the only answer I got was the lead character of Torchwood, who's bisexual. Are there any others that would qualify? I'm thinking Lady Gaga or Angelina Jolie, but that's more "appeals to both sexes" rather than "appeals to bisexuals".

Swedish terms for genitalia "neutral"?

megob — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 01:50:34 -0800

Which are the words that refer to the genital organs in Swedish? I've been told that Swedish has a "neutral" sexual/anatomic terminology that is neither vulgar, nor childish, nor medical/technical. "They call it like we call a nose a nose, and a leg a leg". What are these terms, how do they sound, what do they connotate, how do they feel to the ear, to which sociolect do they belong? In which way and degree are they "neutral", and are they at all?
I am not thinking about word like "penis" and the like, as they belong to the technical/medical kind. I am not interested in Swedish sexual slang either, or in any personal habit of denominating these body parts. I just wonder if it's true that there is an established "unbiased" terminology from a linguistic point of view the Swedes can happily make use of. (Similar question was asked here for English, but no appropriate answer found.)
No competent Swedish speaker at hand, so can you help? And: any online resources on the subject?

Looking for subtle ways to let people know that I'm gay

GraceCathedral — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 21:30:23 -0800

Looking for subtle ways to let people know that I'm gay My question is sort of the opposite of this one. I want people to be able to guess that I'm a lesbian by looking at me. A single lesbian. An available single lesbian who would love to be set up on a blind date with your cousin who just broke up with her partner.

I've been told that I don't really give off a "gay vibe". People are often surprised when I come out to them. More than one person has refused to believe me. I'm not really sure what I'm doing wrong, but I'd like to change it. I feel like I would have an easier time connecting with other gay women if I made a more accurate first impression. Does anyone have advice for this sort of thing? Posture, body language, clothing, makeup, attitude, anything?

Possibly relevant detail: I'm short (5'4") and round (size 12). (I have this vague hope that someone will write back to say "Wear this dress. It will make you look like a lesbian." If anyone has a magic lesbian dress that comes in a size 12, I'm in).

My husband is transgendered. How do I tell my parents?

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 04:07:18 -0800

My husband will probably be starting hormones and this may eventually lead to gender reassignment surgery. I fully support him, however it goes. There is a lot of advice out there for how transgendered people should tell their partners or parents, but very little for how supportive partners should tell their families. Any advice? (longer story inside) Some background: both of us are in our mid-30s, we have been together for 6 years, and I've known about his identity since before we started dating. I (female) identify as gay/bi -- well, I thought I was entirely interested in women before meeting him, now I'm not sure what you'd call me, nor do I really care that much. Our relationship is extremely happy, our sex life is great, and I love him (call him Chris) dearly; he is the bravest and strongest and funniest person I know. [I am calling him "he" because that is the pronoun he usually uses nowadays, even though "she" is closer to the emotional truth.]

He has spent the last 7 years (ever since telling me) doing a combination of hoping that he could ignore it, and then eventually (as it became clear that that wasn't working) slowly doing lots of painstaking psychological work on himself. Over the past two years or so he has come to the conclusion that he really has to do something more than just internal psychological work: i.e., visiting a therapist, starting to take hormones, and include as a possible end-goal having a sex-change operation. He is quite miserable with this aspect of his life as it currently stands. I am fully supportive of whatever option he chooses to take. The money for surgery, should it come to that, won't be an issue, nor will his job situation.

I'm writing because we both really feel like I should tell my parents. He told his a year ago, and (though it threw them for a loop) they responded about as well as you could possibly expect: telling him they love him still, will support him, etc, even though they are made obviously uncomfortable by it (and I expect that once he starts showing physical changes will be more so, but they will probably be able to work through it).

My parents, though, are much less worldly and open than his ... they are impressively open-minded for their cultural background, but also have fairly rigid senses of what is proper and what isn't. When I came out to them, the result was two years worth of extremely awkward silence on the entire topic of relationships, though they did not shun me in general or anything, and it was quite clear they still loved me. Eventually, when I had been dating a woman somewhat seriously for a while, my dad gave me a little speech about how whoever I fell in love with was fine with them, and things got somewhat better; but we still didn't talk about it much and they were still enormously, transparently relieved when Chris and I started dating. I obviously didn't give them any of the transgender backstory at the time; I publicly identify as bi to them, but we really don't talk about it. They really, really like Chris, and not just because he seems like a guy to them.

I am fairly close to them (even though we don't talk about some things), and I truly like and admire them. I also live quite far away, so really only see them a few weeks out of every year. I want to tell them about Chris because it's starting to feel like a huge secret to keep, and it's going to come out (no pun intended!) at some point soon anyway once he does start with the hormones, and especially if surgery and living full-time as a woman becomes a realistic option. The sooner we tell my parents, the more time they have to get their heads around it.

An additional complication is that they live in the town I grew up in, which is very small and fairly conservative. My parents are very well known and many people know and still ask about me. So even if they were okay with things, Chris getting a sex change would put them in many difficult social situations; in fact, I think they would probably have more social fallout than we would (we live in a fairly open-minded metropolis, and many of our friends either know already or will probably be okay with it when we tell them). I feel bad about this, but don't see any way to stop it.

Anyway, a few questions.

1. If you were my parent, how would you want to be told? What things should I emphasize or downplay? I plan on saying that I still love and support him, and that it wasn't something he did "to" me, and that our situation is stable, with friends, etc. Other thoughts?

2. How should I play this, long-term? I was thinking of telling them, and then backing off entirely and giving them several months to process it before saying anything more on the topic. Then I would slowly raise it casually in conversation (e.g. "Chris saw the therapist for the first time today") and gradually require more out of them in terms of talking about it, etc. But I don't really know. We just visited and probably won't see them in person again for many months.

3. How explicit should I be of our expectations for them? What I really hope is that they do their best to inform themselves about what it all means, and (even if they don't understand) try to accept Chris as he (or maybe eventually she) is. And make it so that I can bring Chris when I visit without horrible awkwardness. But should I give a timeline? Is that too dictator-like? Will that alienate them even more?

4. Why am I so nervous about this? It's almost worse than when I came out myself, even though it's not me facing a personal rejection this time.

5. Any other general advice? We both don't really have a lot of perspective on this at this point.

Thanks, and sorry this was so long, it just felt like all these details were important.

My throwaway email is: tellingparentsabouttghusband@yahoo.com.

All Comics Big And Small And Dangly.

The Whelk — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 06:40:55 -0800

Where The New Comics At?: In addition to my many other hats I may be getting a job reviewing new erotica/sexuality/explicit etc comics in the future. I'd get my pick of any comic/graphic novel to review as long as it includes some element or discussion of sex or sexuality or whatever. The problem is that I have no idea what the new releases are and I can't seem to find a centralized list of upcoming titles with enough description. Where should I be looking for new and upcoming titles from big and small publishers, ideally with some description so I can tell what the hell it is?

Bringing sexy forward

Anonymous — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 18:47:02 -0800

Help me be more comfortable with my (straight, female) sexuality and be more sexy Several well-meaning friends have told me in my single phases over the years that I dress too much like a priss and should try to look and act a bit more sexy, and just well, lighten up and not take things so seriously. I've realised I actually have little idea of what to do/wear and moreso, feel uncomfortable with the idea. I would like to feel natural and confident and comfortable with playing up my sexuality (being flirty and dressing in an attractive way) and I'm not sure why I don't (was not raised religious or anything).

I take part in a lot of male dominated activities and have always had this perhaps misguided idea that not playing up my sexuality when mixing with the guys was a matter of integrity and a way to be taken seriously. I'm also pretty uncomfortable with unwanted sexual attention and feel anxious when someone hits on me and I'm not interested because I worry that I won't get the balance of kind and assertive right and I tend to feel guilty for not reciprocating. I'm not sure if this is part of it.

I dress very femininely, but more along the lines of "girly" than "womanly" - pretty but definately not sexy. It probably doesn't help that I also look much younger than I am.

I'm not a prude but I think I might come across like one because I feel so uncomfortable with being "sexy" until I actually get in the bedroom - and this is obviously limiting my opportunities to do so! When I go out to clubs with other single girls they're just so much more confident and out there than I am, and I feel kind of awkward. I still want to be me but would also like to be a bit more sexy and womanly without feeling ridiculous or like a piece of meat.

I always feel uncomfortable when I get attention for my appearance, so I try to underplay it and cover up, but then get frustrated when someone I find attractive doesn't notice me.

Help me shake out of this please!

looking to talk to older adults about sex

mammalian — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 14:56:38 -0800

I am a Toronto-based artist researching aging and sexuality for an upcoming project. I'm looking to talk to people over the age of 65 who can be quite candid about their sexuality. I'm looking for suggestions as to where I can find people to talk to. I'm trying some obvious places like Craigslist and Lavalife with some success and wondering if anybody has any other ideas. And if the people live in/around Toronto, that's even better, but not essential. Thanks.

How do I explain being gay to a 10 year old, if she asks?

tumbleweedjack — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 18:18:54 -0800

What is an appropriate way to discuss homosexuality with a 10 year old child? I have a 10 year old cousin who I'm very close with (I'm 26). She's very smart, and the frequency of the questions regarding my being single and when will I get married (and "Can I be your bridesmaid?"- all the grownups got a big kick out of that question, haha) suggests to me that she knows something is up. I've asked her mother how I should deal with the questions, and she's asked me to try and steer around the subject for a little while longer, because they haven't had a discussion with her about sex yet and that they will address homosexuality with her at that time. However, in a couple of weeks and for the first time ever, we're going to be spending a day together with just the two of us. I'm worried that she's going to ask me something that I won't be able to easily deflect. Like, "Are you gay?"

Advise me, please. I have no idea what to do as I have never broached this subject with anyone who wasn't an adult.

Sex without pleasure

alice ayres — Fri, 22 May 2009 10:15:10 -0800

Does there exist a culture where sex doesn't result in orgasm? Just finished reading Do They Hear You When You Cry? I started trying to write a story about a futuristic society, and I am coming up short with my limited knowledge. I am wondering if there exists a culture where men ejaculate, but neither the man nor woman experience pleasure when having sex? Links, books, movies (or any other pop culture media), etc? I am familiar with some countries and cultures that practice female circumcision, but are there cultures/countries where men and women BOTH do not derive pleasure from sex? Or even where a man does not derive pleasure from sex?

Follow up (in the event that no such culture exists) - I would assume that this type of culture would have a huge effect on power relations and sexuality and relationships. With my limited knowledge, I feel ill-equipped to say exactly what the effect may or may not be based on actual evidence. Would this be negative or positive [to use generic terms]?

Full disclosure: I'm not a professional writer. I would just like to make sure my story has realistic undertones. Fauziya Kassindja's story moved me, and I am afraid my preconceived notions and lack of concentrated study in this area will lead me to make broad, sweeping wrong generalizations.

Red Bull gives you more than wings, apparently.

WolfDaddy — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 10:55:03 -0800

Why do B-complex vitamins and zinc enhance orgasm? I've noticed this in myself as a chronic Red Bull drinker which is chock-full of niacin, B6 and B12. However, my Google-fu fails me as when I try to find information out this phenomenon, all I get is page after page of sites offering to sell me Orgasm Enhancement Products!!!!one1buyNAO. Most of these products also seem to include zinc.

So what's the physiological process here? Why do these vitamins (and possibly a mineral) have this effect on many people?

Help getting over a crush on a straight guy.

Anonymous — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 19:21:49 -0800

I'm a dude; he's a dude. I'm in love with him, and I need to get over him. But I can't. Please help me. I'll save the longish story. I need to get over a guy whom I'm certain will never return my love for him, because he's straight and because I can never tell him.

But he's so attractive, and affectionate, and funny.

What are some logical ideas to ruminate that might help me get over him? I'd prefer to stay away from the "go sleep with someone" route, which strikes me as vaguely self-destructive and slightly peripheral to the real problem, which is in my head, and which every day is kind of eating me alive.

So far, he doesn't know, and I have no intention of telling him. He doesn't know I'm bi, but I know for certain he's straight. I have no fantasy of him changing his mind, but I'm genuinely attracted to him.

I worry that I might not be able to be his friend if I can't get over him, though; that's what scares me. He's a great friend, and I feel like a terrible one.

Perhaps the very reason for our friendship had always been my attraction towards him, which I've let slip into a full-blown obsession. How do you ever turn back on that? How do you turn that off?

It seems unlikely I'd be unable to fall out of love with someone whilst holding onto some modicum of friendship.

I don't want to give him up for the purposes of my stupid crush on him. He's great; I enjoy his company.

But he occupies my mind, and I need to get over him.

So: HELP.

Transgender resources in SF and the BA?

Anonymous — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 21:36:06 -0800

Transgender resources in San Francisco and the Bay Area? I've hit my wall and I can't take it any more. I need help. I don't have a fetish - well, except for the fact I love clothes like many women. I'm not closeted gay boy who simply wants to be flamboyant. Oh, I wish it were that easy.

I have severe gender dysphoria and it's slowly killing me and poisoning my relationships with just about anyone in my life. I'm envious and jealous of the women in my life and resentful of the men who expect me to meet their standards of emotional and physical masculinity.

Above all I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of trying to live two lives and keeping the best parts of me a secret. I'm tired of lying to myself and the people I love. It's well past time to deal with this.

I'm looking for MTF transgender resources in SF and the Bay Area and I'm scared and feeling alone and a bit lost.

To begin with I need counseling, therapy and someone professional to talk to.

I also need any and all information about HRT and SRS that I can get.

Where do I start? Is The Center (on Market Street) a good place to talk to someone in person? Who do I talk to? What do I say?

What are my options?

First or second hand advice is very appreciated, particularly about how to deal with the pitfalls of Standards of Care and the malformed DSM-IV, how to deal with public intolerance, how to foster and nurture the courage to just be myself and be true to myself despite all of the ignorant bastards in this world.

Emotional and moral support is also appreciated.

Out of thread email replies may be directed to skirtsandmoreskirtsandmore@gmail.com - but please, be brave. Post here if you can. You might help someone else if you post here.

Straight chicks digging lesbian erotica?

teg4rvn — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 08:18:50 -0800

Do straight chicks dig lesbian erotica? My wife trolls the net for stories of girl on girl sex. No pics. No videos. Oh, and by the way, our sex life is not so good. Might she be gay? curious? or do straight girls dig lesbian sex stories?

Can you help me find personal writing by bisexual men?

crabintheocean — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 10:48:06 -0800

As a bisexual woman I've been thinking lately about the strange status of bisexual men in my society (the USA). There are surely plenty of bi men around - I've met several and dated a couple, but I've read very little in depth writing from the point of view of men who date or sleep with both men and women. Anyone who isn't straight has to deal with a lot of prejudice, assumptions, and certain types of invisibility, but bisexual men seem to have an especially hard time. All types of queer people are generally stereotypes in the media when we're shown at all, but bisexual men only seem to appear as lying, cheating HIV transmitters on the DL, plot devices rather than characters. I'm well aware of how homophobia plays into all this - there's the belief (which bisexual women have to deal with too) that if you have sex with men that's your "real" orientation, there's the idea that being "fucked" is a blow to your social status, and there's a whole bunch of other unpleasant things. It seems to me like an especially difficult social position to be in, and I'm interested in how folks navigate that. I'm interested too in the ways that men might experience dating or sex with men and women differently from the ways that I do.

So please help me find blogs, articles, books etc that can help correct this imbalance in my reading and understanding. Anything from funny, to erotic, to political is fine, but obviously I'm looking for personal writing, not some guy who happens to be bi's tech blog! The thoughts of any MeFites would also be very welcome, either here or through MeFi Mail.

This ring, it vibrates?

Anonymous — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 07:01:30 -0800

Are vibrating cock rings any good? Which to try, which to avoid? Good from either partner's perspective? I'm in a het relationship, but for posterity I think answers about any relationship that involves at least one appendage capable of sporting one are fair.

Still queer, thanks for asking!

puckish — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 16:20:03 -0800

Family holidays: some help at navigating not-so-subtle gender cues? Last year: I am dating an incredibly sweet Girl, funny, outgoing, very close to her family, enthusiastic about meeting mine. Me to my dad: “I’d like to bring X home for Thanksgiving!” My father: “You’re dating women!? You’re clearly doing this to hurt me. GAAAAHHHHH!” Cue three months of us not speaking, followed by an uneasy detente. My sexuality ceases to be an issue when Girl and I break up.

This year: I am dating an incredibly sweet, shy, and largely diffident Boy, who has little interest or desire in being integrated into my family holidays. My father: “Great! Is Y going to be joining us for Thanksgiving?” Y: “You want me to go where for Thanksgiving?” Me: Kind of awkward silence. Weeks pass. My father: (more pointedly) “You know, I’d really like to meet Y. I feel like I don’t really know him. You should invite him over.”

I pretty much don’t care one way or another about family holidays, but I’m annoyed at the really clear signals being sent by my dad — partly because I find myself having to replicate them for my partner. [“Um, my parents are having this dinner thing on November 24th. Do you want to come? Only if you want to, etc….”], and partly because they are so clearly conditional on the sex of said partner.

What's the best way to respond to these cues? Y and I are pretty much of the same mind on this, which is that 1) It sucks to be pressured, even if the cues are small and well-intentioned, and 2) Family social scenes are INVARIABLY gendered, and he (understandably) has little interest in being trotted out and celebrated as a suitable mate. [It also sucks to have your family openly refuse to accept your choice of partner, but that’s another story]

That said — this is not remotely a big deal. My dad’s not going to change. And his intentions (if slightly patriarchal) are not bad. The question is not so much “How do I get him to change?” but “How do I make this less stressful to myself and everyone involved?” I’d like to not spend the next holiday sitting alone and resenting everyone around me.

Thoughts?

Where did my morning wood go?

Anonymous — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 12:41:11 -0800

I never get morning erections anymore. Why? Here are some relevant items in my not-too-distant past. 1) I tried Propecia (for hair loss) about 3 years ago which made erections IMPOSSIBLE. 2) I had a damaging relationship with a woman who really fixated on my natural performance anxiety and made it the core issue of why she suddenly broke up with me 3) I have been drinking and smoking more cannabis of late and 4) I have tried what my friend calls "generic cialis" and while that gives me a little better (but not great) "traction" during the day, it doesn't seem to have an affect on the lack of morning stiffies.

friendly exchange of ideas with evangelist door knockers

compound eye — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 19:00:17 -0800

every weekend evangelist missionaries knock on our door for a chat. I'm wondering how to politely express my support for gay marriage, sex education, access to abortion services etc. while staying friendly and not getting in a forty minute conversation that goes nowhere. It's the weekend, and the local evangelists are knocking on our door to deliver their magazines and chat about the world. I'm always really friendly, which means they come back almost every weekend, but I just don't agree with their ideas, and was thinking I'd like to prepare my own leaflets, perhaps on the importance of contraception, sex education and gay marriage. Then next time they visit we can swap leaflets.
Any suggestions on I should go about this gracefully?

Please keep in mind that while I am attempting to challenge their ideas, I don't want to be offensive.

Nuanced discussions of sexuality

mpls2 — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 16:38:05 -0800

I want to read about sexuality. What are some quality resources that discuss sexuality in a nuanced way? I'm particularly interested in the homoerotic thoughts and experiences of self-identified straight men, and the prevalence of such. More generally, I'm just interested in learning about sexuality from sources that avoid the discrete gay/bi/straight mode of thinking.

Thanks!