Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sexualassault

Do I warn a friend that her new boyfriend was my date rapist?

honeybee413 — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 00:09:27 -0800

Three years ago, I was date-raped by my then-boyfriend. Some of our mutual friends know, some don't. I just found out that a friend in the know is trying to set up another friend's sister with my rapist. What, if anything, should I do? (Apologies for the lengthy description that follows...) Almost three years ago to the day, I was dating a guy I had been friends with for years. We had agreed to take the physical component of our relationship slowly; the issue was discussed extensively. We went to a party together and both had a little too much to drink, were sober-driven back to his place, where he raped me.

I was not on contraceptives at the time, and ended up pregnant. I planned to terminate, but miscarried before that happened. Didn't break up with him until that point, either. I was ashamed of what had happened to me (very typical "this was my fault for not having control over the situation" guilt). I broke up with him after the miscarriage, and there was a discussion of what happened that night (which I called rape, but which he flatly denied... whatever, no still means no). I didn't press charges because I didn't want to ruin his life.

The whole thing was deeply traumatic for me. I'm fine now, went through therapy, didn't date for a very long time. I got through it in large part because I have a phenomenal network of friends, and I was fortunate enough to be able to move hundreds of miles away a few months after. We share a lot of friends. Some of them know what happened (i.e. the friends that were more mine than his), but most of them don't. I'd prefer to keep it that way if possible.

Flash forward to tonight, three years later, when two of those mutual friends are getting married. Neither of these friends know what happened. I stayed sober at the reception because a) I want to keep it that way, b) I don't want to ruin my friends' day, and c) I don't make a habit of putting myself in potentially unsafe situations. It's enough for me to deal with that he's going to be there in the first place.

I found out later that my best friend, and one of the only people I've told, is setting up the bride's friend with my rapist. I am (obviously and hopefully, understandably) alarmed at this prospect, as I would never think to set up a friend with a person that I knew to have a predatory past.

I don't know if I'm missing something here. I haven't talked to him since I ended it. I don't know if he's changed - he's never expressed any remorse over the situation to anyone that I know of. When I knew him, he had a temper that flared when he was intoxicated, and which had lasting consequences for me. I would hate to have it happen to another girl if I knew that I could prevent it.

Should confront my friend about the set-up? Should I go to the bride's sister (who I am acquainted with) and tell her what happened to me? Should I just casually warn her off? Or should I just say that the situation is none of my business, since I don't really know him anymore?

So much for negative reinforcement...

frankly mister — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 03:13:29 -0800

Why do creepy/obnoxious guys (talked about at great length in a couple fantastic recent threads) keep hitting on girls if they never have any success? This is inspired by this recent, amazing thread, and its MetaTalk spinoff.

(First: though I've spent a few hours reading both those threads, I haven't nearly read everything, so forgive me if this is answered in there at some point.)

I don't understand: what drives the creepy/obnoxious guys to continually hit on girls in the creepy/obnoxious manner? If they and their technique are so universally loathed by girls, as seems to be to the case, then it should follow that these guys NEVER have success. Sure, sometimes a girl is a little friendly in return, just to be nice. But presumably it never goes anywhere, so these guys never have any success with the routine. Why, then, do they keep doing it?

Where can I connect with other survivors?

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 19:26:17 -0800

I need recommendations for a group for survivors of violent crime and or sexual assault. I am in the Glendale/Burbank area. If it is relevant, I am a woman in her thirties. I have googled, but I would like a more personal recommendation. Also, I've never been to something like this before, so if anyone can tell me what to expect, I would be grateful.

Ever since I was raped, I can only get off to violent rape fantasies

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 12:48:51 -0800

How can I come during sex with my boyfriend? I find it impossible to reach orgasm unless I'm doing it myself, with extreme, violent fantasies. I've tried fantasizing about the same stuff during sex, but it's hard to reconcile with the reality of my gentle, loving boyfriend, even if we have rough sex or (to a degree) act out the fantasy. When I was 17, I was raped by two men. One of them had a knife, with which he made shallow cuts on my breasts, arms, and neck. During the assault, I didn't know they were shallow and I was afraid he was going to kill me. FWIW, one of the men was an acquaintance and his friend was a stranger.

For about three years afterward, I did not date or have sex, and rarely masturbated. I started dating again when I was 20, and I'm 25 now. I've been with my current, amazing boyfriend for two years, and he's the first man with whom I've been able to actually enjoy sex. Since the assault, I haven't been able to come during oral sex or intercourse, and the only way I can climax is through masturbation while thinking about violent rape and/or breast mutilation. I've tried reverting to the type of fantasies I used to have (oral sex, romantic love, sensual massage), but it doesn't do anything for me anymore. Two of my high school boyfriends were able to get me off via fairly clumsy oral sex. Now, I'm so accustomed to only coming while thinking about slight variations on the violent rape theme. Though I know rape fantasies are common among rape victims and women in general, I do feel some guilt. Also, if might be relevant that I don't think about myself being raped; I think about a make-believe, doesn't-exist-IRL woman being raped. Another factor is that even though my boyfriend is wonderful and we are in love, I sometimes have this irrational feeling that no man truly cares about a woman, and that the secret truth is that women are nothing but fuckholes that are fun to hurt.

The following techniques, during oral sex or intercourse (usually while he or I touch my clit), have not worked for me:
- rape fantasies
- lots of other fantasies (which don't get me off during masturbation, either)
- not thinking about anything and just focusing on the sensations
- roleplaying rape (a friend suggested this, and we've tried it a few times, but it usually results in one or both of us getting really upset)
- using a vibrator during sex (even the Hitachi Magic Wand doesn't do it, during sex)
- soft/romantic sex
- rough sex

I am in therapy, but I'm thinking of switching therapists. Also, my brother went to a hypnotherapist who helped him quit smoking and overcome a phobia, and he raves about her. She does hypnosis and "rapid eye movement therapy" (??) that she says have had success with victims of abuse and sexual assault, but it's expensive and I'm skeptical. I am in New York City. I would consider traveling up to an hour outside the city for an amazing therapist, especially if s/he takes Oxford insurance.

If you have any suggestions, I'll greatly appreciate them! Thanks!!

Throwaway e-mail at mefi.anon.mouse@gmail

this defies my ability to think of a title

Anonymous — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 14:23:43 -0800

Sexual assault recovery filter: It's been 15 years, I'm well, but I still have some physical scarring that I'm self-conscious about my husband seeing (newly married). I guess there are two parts to my question.

I'm not sure how I'm going to explain the evidence to my husband. He has not actually seen anything yet, but I'm sure that day will come soon. We have a great and adventurous sex life. My scarring is a result of being sodomized by my attacker. Some day, when we have the lights on, DH will notice and probably wonder what he is seeing. And I will, of course, explain the deal. While I am as healed psychologically as I will ever be- discussing the specifics of my attack is going to be uncomfortable for me and painful for him to hear. He knows the story, but I haven't given, you know, a graphic description of everything that happened.

Fretting about this has led me to wonder if I can have some sort of cosmetic surgery to fix/ mask the scars... but, that involves explaining everything to yet another doctor- this is a conversation that makes me seize up when I imagine having it. "Can you fix the scar that's around my xxx? Right, I guess you'll need to see it to answer that question..." I have a lump in my throat typing this.

I lean towards explaining all of this to DH. I worry so much that it will so upset him to know the extent of my wounds, that the carefree, fun, and GGG will go out of our sex lives- and I REALLY worked hard to get to a place where I can share this with someone. So then I flip-flop back to the idea of secret surgical repair...

Please help, if there is anyone at all out there who can deal with this question...and yes I have a therapist.

throwaway email: mefianon0@gmail.com

Plug your favorite band!

levijk — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 10:45:09 -0800

Looking for indie song suggestions for a community radio public affairs show. A friend needs music for his fledgling bilingual (english/spanish) radio show on violence prevention. Since my previous question I've learned it is the radio station's policy to broadcast a bare minimum of 80% independent or local (South Puget Sound area, e.g. Seattle) artists. Any song suggestions that fit these criteria are welcome. Also any DJ resources you can suggest so I can do my own searches would be great.

Every two minutes...

levijk — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 19:35:57 -0800

Looking for music with an an anti-violence, anti-sexual assault message. A friend who works for a battered women's shelter has asked me to find music for his fledgling Spanish/English radio show. So far he's played music produced by Todd Denny which is geared toward youth, but music appealing to all demographics is sought. Spanish music is especially welcome.

how to be there for a friend who was raped

Anonymous — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 20:01:52 -0800

What can I do to help a friend who was a victim of sexual assault? A close friend of mine was raped by acquaintances this weekend and I'm struggling with how to help her. From what she remembers it sounds like she was drugged and then taken back to an unknown apartment before being raped, and waking up in the morning alone. Her boyfriend is also a close friend and had called me worried when his girlfriend didn't come home from the bar she had gone out to that night. And he called in the morning to see if I could come help out as moral support for him and his girlfriend.

We took her to the hospital yesterday for a full exam and she's already spoken to an amazing woman from social services who gave her information about the hospital's counseling services. She's receptive to the idea of using the counseling services; but she doesn't want anyone else to know about the rape, so besides myself, her boyfriend, and her best friend (who lives about 4 hours away from us) I don't think she'll have any friends to talk to.

She's on the fence about pressing charges, but knows enough contact information for the people involved that I think the police would be able to find them (she talked to the cops at the hospital, and her clothes were taken as potential evidence along with the results of whatever tests they did at the hospital). She doesn't remember everything, and the counselor told us that more things might come back and that we should encourage her to write everything down. It sounds like the people involved might do this regularly (she remembers video equipment and it doesn't sound like the apartment was anyone's house) and I hope she'll decide to press charges, but I think that's a pretty scary thing for her to think about right now and I absolutely don't want to pressure her at all.

I don't know how to talk to her about all of this though. I've told her that I'm totally down to talk to her about it if she wants, or just to come hang out with her and not talk about it if she wants that. But I don't want it to be this huge elephant in the room if she doesn't want to talk about it and I just don't know what the best thing I can do for her at this point is. Do I wait for her to bring it up? Ask how she's doing with it all? Some other option?

If anyone has any advice they don't want to share personally I've set up an email address: adviceforfriend@gmail.com

How do I deal with the depression stemming from a really bad year?

Anonymous — Sat, 13 Oct 2007 14:56:17 -0800

I have been beset by crappy luck and chronic health problems in the past year. It's been extremely stressful, worsened by the fact these very health problems prevent me from employing my normal methods of dealing with stress. I'm spiraling quickly downward into mood-swings and depression and I don't know what to do. How did you deal with your stressful periods? In the past year, I've contracted HPV, had surgery to deal with the subsequent cervical dysplasia, developed bacterial vaginosis and urinary tract infections on multiple occasions, and due to the necessary multiple antibiotic regimens I'm now into the eighth month of a yeast infection that is not even responding to strong anti-fungals. In the past six months I've also managed to pick up ovarian cysts and chronic kidney stones. I have two sports injuries that prevent me from doing any exercise besides slow walking and just found out I have a repetitive stress injury in my forearms. I've had multiple emergency-room trips for some of these conditions, as well as one a few months ago for an absolutely vicious bout of food poisoning. To make matters worse, in the past year I've also been sexually assaulted and a victim of check fraud, both which were a multiple-month legal headache to deal with, not to mention the psychological toll.

My schoolwork is suffering. I'm completely stressed out--I have never had health problems and they're now all piling on at once. I could deal with any one just by itself, but the sheer mass of them is driving me crazy. I get a lot of relief from hard exercise, but the sports injuries prevent any form--really, any form, I've tried. I get relief from sex, but that's only been possible twice in the past three months due to the yeast infections. Can't drink because of the anti-fungals. Can't even bake, cook, pet my cats, or escape to the internet due to the RSI. I've tried coping with ice cream, but that provides short-term relief, long-term stress due the expanding waistline, and I gotta cut that out again in another effort to treat the yeast infection (I was on a meat-eggs-vegetables diet, the infection died down, I included the sugar again and it's come back with a vengeance).

I'm incredibly depressed. I'm getting inexplicable mood swings. I hate my sick, deteriorating body and want to escape it. I want to lie down somewhere and cry. I have had deep depression before, beat it, and have remained pretty optimistic and upbeat--but after a year of this shit I can't anymore. I've joked with my boyfriend that I hope I get cancer, as that would be a sure sign from the universe that it didn't want me in it and I could take it as a cue to just kill myself.

What did you do with your bad luck year? Do you have any suggestions for dealing with the stress (besides meditation--that hasn't worked)? I'm living my life waiting for the next thing to come around the corner and punch me in the face, while attempting to nurse the bruises I've already received. It's no life at all.

Can you be prepared for sexual assault?

sarahkeebs — Sat, 23 Dec 2006 11:56:57 -0800

Can people be trained to better withstand or recover faster from sexual assault? I'm thinking specifically of people being sent into situations where being sexually assaulted is a high risk (e.g. law-enforcement undercover in the sex-trade, humanitarian aid workers in combat zones, soldiers)... My understanding is that, physical trauma aside, a lot of the psychological damage comes from feelings of guilt...can people be prepared beforehand for this? I know American soldiers may be trained to withstand interrogation techniques (including "sexual embarrassment"), but this is not explicitly mentioned.

The obvious follow-up questions: a) is it at all effective (I assume it wouldn't be 100% effective) and b) is this training actually done?

What is this statue at the Hollywood Forever cemetary?

mragreeable — Sat, 03 Apr 2004 11:15:10 -0800

Is there a sculpture of a "winged man sexually assaulting a woman" at the Hollywood Forever cemetary? [More inside] I was reading Expiration Date by Tim Powers, and towards the end noticed this:

Even before they parked Bradshaw's goofy car, while they were still hardly past the office, they saw semi-transparent figures clustered around the big white sculpture of a winged man sexually assaulting a woman. The smoky figures might have been attempting to stop the man, or help him subdue him, or just conceal the atrocity from the street.

The book's account of hollywood seems meticulously researched, so I would have to guess that the statue isn't entirely invented. I can find lots of pictures of the cemetery online, here, for instance, but I can't find a picture or description of whatever he's referring to here.