Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sexual

How can I help my sister deal with abuse at the hands of our brother?

Anonymous — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 07:19:05 -0800

I recently discovered my brother was sexually abusing my sister and how the hell do I deal with this over Thanksgiving weekend? I recently found out that my brother was sexually molesting my younger sister from the fifth grade until she was a sophomore in high school. The details became clear when she opened up to me a few weeks ago. Last spring, after he was arrested, I’d been given vague descriptions from my mother (‘he messed with her covers’) and veiled allegations from my sister – (‘I’d like to talk to you abut this, but in person, and not when you are here on vacation, but there are things he did.’) Our family is stoic, repressive and completely ignoring this situation.

I was the primary caregiver from the age of 11 while my mother went back to school until I just flat-out left them all when I turned 16. Yes, I have massive, massive guilt about this.

It came to light when the SWAT team was called on this brother because it was thought at the time that he had his roommate’s girlfriend at gunpoint; he was saying he was going to kill her and then himself. My sister confessed everything to my parents that night because she felt another woman might be in danger. It turned out it wasn’t true, the girlfriend wasn’t even on the premises, he was drunk, and had been drinking a fifth of vodka each night for at least a year. He spent 30 or so days in jail and has been working off his community service/debt/sentence (felony menacing was what he was prosecuted for) since then at part-time jobs and whatever he can get. It’s obvious he doesn’t want to go back to jail and he’s been doing his part to stay clean and comply with his sentence.

This, however, doesn’t explain or erase the harm he did to my sister. She is traumatized and has a very hard time spending any time my parent’s house. My mother completely minimizes her experience and says she’s being ‘difficult’ and ‘dwelling on things.’ I was also was subjected to sexual abuse when I was younger (non-familial) which was ignored, so I understand what my sister is going through and want to help her. Hers is far, far worse since it was at the hands of her brother – he’s three years older than her, she is almost 21. I can’t imagine her pain and I love her so much. We are the only rational people in this family and I have a hard enough time dealing with my own unresolved issues, but I need to help her, she’s beautiful, strong and has an amazing spirit.

The questions are: how can I: 1) help my sister deal with this, 2) convince my parents that what happened was WRONG and 3) make my parents okay with her not staying at their house? Right now they don’t see why she doesn’t want to sleep in the bed her brother molested her in. I asked her to make plans to stay with a friend over this weekend but she is afraid of offending them (she is in college and lives a few towns away). I told her to do it anyway. She’s young and doesn’t understand the benefits of therapy yet, since it was ridiculed as part of our upbringing. If these questions seem rather cold it’s because I am completely out of my depth and have no idea how to approach this holiday weekend where we will all be together.

So much for negative reinforcement...

frankly mister — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 03:13:29 -0800

Why do creepy/obnoxious guys (talked about at great length in a couple fantastic recent threads) keep hitting on girls if they never have any success? This is inspired by this recent, amazing thread, and its MetaTalk spinoff.

(First: though I've spent a few hours reading both those threads, I haven't nearly read everything, so forgive me if this is answered in there at some point.)

I don't understand: what drives the creepy/obnoxious guys to continually hit on girls in the creepy/obnoxious manner? If they and their technique are so universally loathed by girls, as seems to be to the case, then it should follow that these guys NEVER have success. Sure, sometimes a girl is a little friendly in return, just to be nice. But presumably it never goes anywhere, so these guys never have any success with the routine. Why, then, do they keep doing it?

I want him to know I can relate to his dark side but how to bring it up after the fact?

Anonymous — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 18:25:45 -0800

How do I properly initiate contact with a person who dumped me because he thought I may not sexually accept the way he is? How can I let him know that I'm the same way too? This is hard to ask but I am not sure how to go about it. For anyone who has advice... how would you go about letting the friend who dated you but distanced away due to dark sexual matters, know you are actually into the same thing? You see, I lead on to make him believe that I don't have the capability to be into S&M, however, part of me really is. I just need to trust them first. I noticed he was trying to incorporate some subtle hints but was too scared to go all the way with me. He never bothered to ask. It was less than 4 months of dating but I truly feel he doesn't know that I totally get him. I was just scared to go there with him. We check on each other once in a while but I want to go to the next level to tell him I can relate to his dark matter. Is there anyone here who understands the distance and embarrassment of what he might be going through? I know I may not be asking correctly but if you need more detail you can email me at IamNotHere87@gmail.com

Grf Mstrbtn

Anonymous — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 19:53:41 -0800

Sexfilter! My girlfriend and I have good sex. She comes, I come, all quite brilliant and working perfectly (oh I am a man). But, during preliminary stuff (hands and mouths) I can't make her come. I don't think anyone else has with her either. I've never had any problem with this stuff before. Quite the opposite. I know if she's on her own she'd do it lying on her front... do any girls do this? Does that mean I should be doing something differently?

Are those gosh durned kids really having as much free love as the Tv says?

reenum — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 12:24:24 -0800

How accurate are the media portrayals of young people engaging in risky sexual behaviors? Recently, I've noticed that a lot of media outlets seem to be sensationalizing the sexual practices of people in their teens and 20's. These sources would have you believe that these groups are always 'hooking up', they prefer oral sex to kissing, and that now engage in sexual activity first and date if the experience is positive. Things along those lines.

I'm 30, so I was a teen in the early 90's. I find it hard to believe that sexual mores have changed all that much in the last 15 years. Obviously, I don't get much action, so I can't speak from experience. Have things really become as open and free as the media would have us believe?

Are there any studies or news stories that give statistics of how prevalent sexual activity and risky sexual behaviors are in teens and twentysomethings? Anecdotes are also welcome.

I hate the idea of help - what now?

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 08:16:19 -0800

Sexual abuse and a hatred of therapy – what now? I suffered years of sexual abuse at the hands of my stepfather, which culminated in full penetrative sex when I was twelve. Even writing this, the shame and disgust crawls on my skin, but for the most part, the part of me that doesn’t think about it at all, I am a happy, content and successful person.

In fact, the only part of me it affects is my sex life. The first problem is that I can only pleasure myself thinking about terrible things – things where I am a man and I’m doing the things that were done to me on an eager girl. These fantasies horrify me and I try not to go there at all any more.

With other people, though, I enjoy sex well enough until I get close to them. At that point, I can’t bear for them to touch me in any way that resembles foreplay – I just want it over with. This is problem number two: I am starting to hate sex with my fiancé – one of the kindest, most understanding and wonderful people on the planet. I think am with the best person alive, and it breaks my heart that I’m starting to dread being with him in that way. He would be shocked to know I’m feeling like this – and I don’t have the heart to tell him every time he moves in a certain way or touches me in a certain way, I can only see my step dad. For now, sex involves no foreplay as it’s the only way I can do it.

But I can do it that way – and the way I see it, it’s only one small unhappiness in an overall happy life. On the other hand, my fiancé works hard to be the best person he can be for himself, for me and for the relationship. I think I owe it to the relationship to make sure I do the same.

I know the first answer will be to suggest counselling, but I don’t trust therapy at all. In fact, I'm openly hostile to the idea of it. I know my stubborn self well enough to know that I have one shot – if the first therapist doesn’t work, I know that will be it forever. Just talking anonymously makes me anxious. It would break my heart to have to divulge all of this and not have it work – or worse, have to spend years and years of time and money without seeing any tangible results. Indeed – I don’t even know what the end goal would look like to know when I got there.

Is it possible to work this out on my own? Where do I start? Is it possible to just accept this for what it is and be wonderfully happy except this one small sad area? If not, how on earth do I learn to accept the idea of therapy and find someone good – as I’m sure my attitude towards it would counter any efficacy of treatment?

Please forgive the length of this question. I really don’t know who else to ask. If it matters, I’m 29 and in London.

Sublimation—does it work?

Busoni — Sun, 10 May 2009 11:17:02 -0800

Is the theory of sublimation—the idea of channeling sexual energy into creative or physical output—still considered valid? Is there evidence that it "works"? I was reading a biography of Leonardo da Vinci, written fairly recently, as I recall, by a surgeon and science writer (Sherwin Nuland). In it, he states somewhat matter-of-factly the likelihood of Leonardo having channeled his homosexual desires into his art, such that expressions of his libido were nonexistent. This is paraphrasing, but that was the essential message. Now, I'm not an expert in psychology, but I thought such reliance on Freudian terms was odd. But since it was from an actual medical doctor, not a literature professor (which would have been less surprising), I began to wonder if there was something to it.

So, my question: is there evidence that this concept of sublimation is valid? Can a person make better art and be more productive by curtailing sexual activity? And conversely, can a person diminish or eliminate sexual desire by committing himself to his art or profession? I'll take personal anecdotes as well as second-hand ones.

How can I stop thinking about knocking boots with every lady I see?

Anonymous — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 10:57:13 -0800

I'm having pervasive sexual thoughts. How do I make them stop? (NSFW) I'm a 30 year old male. I've only had one sexual relationship in my life. I look at porn almost everyday, and have a large selection of porn mags.

Recently, whenever I see a woman who is even a little attractive, I start having thoughts of myself and the woman having sex. I can't seem to stop these thoughts.

I've got an appointment with my therapist next week, but what can I do in the interim to make these thoughts less pervasive?

Sister molested, police won't help. What can I do?

Anonymous — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 10:09:16 -0800

My sister was molested, and the authorities haven't done a thing. Is there anything I can do to move this along? So, my little sister confided in me that she was sexually assaulted by her best friend's step-dad while she was sleeping over there. I let my parents know and then I took her to the hospital immediately while my parents got a hold of the police.

My sister's friend has also gone to someone and accused her step-father of doing the same to her. Later on she took it back and the case was dropped. Basically her screwed up mother brainwashed her into believing this was okay, and that if she did send her step-father to jail she'd have to go live with her real dad.

It's now been a year since this happened and after months of the police telling us they were looking into it, they've finally said they can't do anything about it. My sister's friend will not come forward and testify against this man.

Really? We have a doctor's report from the day after the incident stating she'd been touched. Isn't that enough? Basically because he says he didn't do it, and he didn't leave any DNA behind he's free to do this without worry?

This is absolutely disgusting and I can't believe this man isn't in jail yet.

I don't know if there's anything that can be done, but if there's any advice out there to help me put this dirt bag away and give my little sister peace of mind, I'd appreciate it.

I'm not sure if any state laws make a difference in this situation, but for added information we live in the state of Michigan.

Desire in a LDR

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 08:50:24 -0800

How do I not get mopey with no loving? My boyfriend and I have been together for 6-7 months. We're doing a ldr for a year starting this month. We do talk and I've seen all the threads on stuff to do while in a ldr. I've never been in an ldr in which my partner is across the country from me. Before I did ldr's where I got to see them on the weekends.

But I didn't see anything about... suppressing one's desire for sex with the SO for the time being... I'm worried that I'm getting mopey/depressed without any time of sensual/sexual stimulation from him. Even with masturbation, it's not really him. He doesn't seem to be into phone sex, or dirty emails or texts. So how do I squelch this urge? It's most bothersome at night, right before bed. I got so used to sleeping next to him, it's now a let down goind to bed without him. Is this normal for the first few weeks?

I do plan on seeing him around May/June, but I didn't know exactly what to do until then. I don't want to sit and mope every night without him, but some days that's all I want to do. I love him dearly and I want this to work. We can't shorten the time because I need a year to get done the things I want to do.

How do I not want sex for a year? And so it's clear, I'm not worried about cheating, I want to be intimate with my SO, not some random guy.

Help my kill my sex drive and save my relationship.

anonymous account — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 21:17:35 -0800

I am a 30 year old male who wants more sex than my partner, which causes all kinds of frustration and resentment on both sides. What can I do to lower my libido? I want to have sex way more often than my partner does. This leads to immense frustration on my part, and irritation/sadness on hers. I know this is the biggest relationship cliche out there, but this time, I'm the one who is going to change. I honestly don't think that there's any possible way to get her more interested in fucking me.

When we do have sex it is usually pretty amazing for both of us (she certainly isn't motivated enough to fake her orgasms, so that part is legit), it's just that it doesn't happen as often as I'd like it to (I'd consider once a week or 6 times a month to be a very good stretch). I'll ask her for a handjob or blowjob and you'd think I just asked if I could shit in her mouth (literal disgusted reaction).

I am very open with her in describing my sexual desires. I am not asking for anything crazy at all, I just don't want her to have to guess at what I want. Usually this leads to her calling me a "jerk" and falling asleep.

It's getting to the point where I'm completely over it. I don't want to cheat on her, and I'm happy with all other aspects of the relationship. We own a house together, we will likely be married in the next few years, have plans for the future, etc.

We have been together for about 8 years. The sex thing has been an issue for us for about the last 5-6 years (basically ever since she started her career). She knows how I feel (a couple months ago after a bit of a dry spell, I had a crying breakdown and told her that I felt trapped in the relationship due to her lack of sexual interest) but seems unwilling/unable to change.

I want to do something (other than masturbate 3 or 4 times a day) that will greatly lower or even eliminate my sex drive. I want to avoid masturbation as well as that turns into a huge time waster for me, and sometimes starts to escalate into areas that I'm not really comfortable with anyway.

We will eventually want to have kids, so whatever I try shouldn't be permanent.

How can my wife and I enjoy better sex in the morning?

Anonymous — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 14:03:24 -0800

How can my wife and I enjoy better sex in the morning, when I wear out quickly and she can't get on top? (Possibly NSFW) My wife and I are in our mid-thirties, with two kids. We have great sex, which up till recently was only at night. With both kids now in school, we've been trying to make love in the morning as well before I go to work (my wife works out of the house).

The problem is that, especially in the morning, I wear out quickly. I have some back problems, and the drugs I take for them make it difficult for me to keep going for a while. We usually make love in the rear-entry "doggy-style" position, because the only other position we've had much luck with is missionary, and that's just too much for my back. Unfortunately, with that position, I just get worn out quickly enough that I have to stop and rest often, which means I then have to get hard again so we can resume the activities.

The obvious followup question is, then, why don't we try a position with her on top? Well, unfortunately, by a cruel coincidence, my wife has arthritis in both knees, and can't handle those positions for more than a minute or two. The only place we've had any success with this kind of position is in a hot tub, where the buoyancy of the water helped out, but alas we have no hot tub at home nor any place to put one.

So, does anyone have any ideas how we can make this work? Any easily-hidden, not-too-expensive equipment we could buy that would help? All reasonable suggestions are welcome. Thanks!

great guy, bad sex, what should i do?

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 13:46:57 -0800

great guy, bad sex, what should i do? Here's my dilemma. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and 1/2. And we have just moved in together. He is an amazingly sweet, caring person, and makes me feel loved and important. We have the same interests, and can laugh together. So what's the problem:

The problem is that i have never been particularly sexually attracted to him. This is complicated by the fact that he suffers from premature ejaculation, and i don't just mean a little bit. I mean less than a minute, each time. And we've tried to work on it. We've talked about it. I've been very patient and sensitive about it. It has not gotten better. He said that with his ex, who he was together with for 5 years, that it got 'a bit' better, like maybe 2 or 3 min.

Sex is important to me. Sex with him isn't awful, but its not satisfying, either. And, I think it is making me less attracted to him in general. Although, as i said, i was never super attracted to him. He kind of grew on me because he is such a nice person. I feel like a jerk, and i'm thinking of ending it with him. Not JUST because of the premature ejaculation issue, but because of the general lack of sexual chemistry.

Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do? Advice, please?

What biologically causes the pleasure associated with an orgasm?

WCityMike — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 17:46:54 -0800

What are the underlying processes occurring during an orgasm that are the biological causes of the pleasurable sensation we associate with it? Is the sensation of orgasm a function of the nervous system, or is it something neurochemical in the brain, or both, or neither? Is the reason that certain masturbatory and/or sexual acts feel good because of nerve concentration in the erogenous areas, or is it something different or more in nature? I'm primarily interested in answers relating to the male orgasm ... as I expect the male orgasm and the female orgasm may have different biological processes given the different anatomy?

And just to ward off any wisenheimers, I obviously understand the idea of Act A produces Obvious Biological Result B and Happy Sensation C. What I'm curious about is the underlying medical process behind that equation.

Can you hear me now, you horny bastard?

Anonymous — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 18:27:05 -0800

Good examples of heterosexual audio erotica or porn, please? Doesn't matter if it's real or faked, just as long as it's good and hot. Scorching hot. Tear the clothes off your significant other, RIGHT NOW GODDAMIT, hawt.

Audio books, podcasts, CDs, whatever, we're open to various mediums. Even if there's a particular movie that sounds hot, that'll work also, just as long as it doesn't have to be watched, merely listened to.

How can I fulfill my fantasy?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 06:40:13 -0800

I'm a female with this recurring fantasy about two men (my biggest fantasy since I was 15). How do I go about fulfilling it? Wait, there's a catch or two. [NSFW] First, I only want to WATCH two men have sex with each other. I don't want to be sexually involved. The extent of my physical involvement might include some S&M (me topping them) but no kissing or anything further.

Second, I'm married to a straight guy. We're firmly monogamous but he's known about this fantasy since we met, and since he can't fulfill it for me, he's willing to give me some leeway if it were the right situation. Some of his best friends are gay, blah blah blah, but he's not keen on watching gay sex, nor is he keen on leaving me alone in a room with two guys unless they are certified 6s on the Kinsey scale. In which case, why would they want me there? Kind of a conundrum, you know?

Besides, I don't relish the idea of being in a room with two strange men, gay or not. Maybe they don't want to rape me but that doesn't mean they don't want to steal my stuff. I'd much rather be able to view men having sex in semi-public situations, which is part of the fantasy, but that leads to another problem: I'm not a guy, so I can't get into bathhouses, and I stick out like a sore thumb in cruisy gay bars. I hear stuff happens in parks but I'm sure guys would scatter if they saw me approach. Plus, it's rude to watch people who don't want to be watched by you. I'm hoping some real live gay guys can chime in here and tell me how they'd feel - or use my throwaway email if you don't want to admit to sex in public (anonmefivoyeur@gmail.com).

So, any ideas on fulfilling my fantasy, or will I have better luck looking for unicorns and Bigfoot? I'm in the Chicago area, FWIW.

romancing romania

crazylegs — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 05:58:47 -0800

What is sex like in Romania? What are the common attitudes towards various sexual practices in Romania? How is a person from Romania likely to feel about: oral sex, anal sex, different positions, gay sex, threesomes, etc.? Are there any attitudes, enthusiasms, or taboos that are unique to Romania?

Swing the pig iron hammer!

ostranenie — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 19:10:43 -0800

Just exactly what does "swing the big-eyed rabbit" (as sung by the Cramps) mean? I like this song by the Cramps, and I'm guessing it's some kind of sleazy metaphor for something sexual, but nobody I've talked to seems know exactly what. (It just seems a little too "on the nose" to assume they're referring to a, ahem, male unit, but maybe I'm just reading too much into it.) The lyrics are here if anyone cares to attempt to decipher them.

I'm thinking it might be some kind of in-slang like "do the dog" (work hard at something) ala Kim Fowley but I can't seem to find any definition online. I see that it's also the title of a book written in 1953, but I can't find any information on said book.

Are the following sexual assault sentences typical?

evidenceofabsence — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 02:19:54 -0800

This New York Times article about an INS agent's alleged coercion and sexual assault of a green card applicant brings up several past cases. All ended in relatively lenient sentencing. And so, I have to ask: Can you even be sentenced to "weekends in jail?" The Times piece briefly mentions adjudicator Kelvin R. Owens, who was "...convicted in 2005 of sexually assaulting a 45-year-old woman during her citizenship interview in the federal building, and sentenced to weekends in jail for six months." It also names agent Eddie Romualdo Miranda, who, "charged with demanding sexual favors from a 29-year-old Vietnamese woman in exchange for approving her citizenship application...was acquitted of a felony sexual battery charge last August, but pleaded guilty to misdemeanor battery and was sentenced to probation." It being that I understand little to nothing (read: nothing) about legal matters, I'm curious as to the following:

1) In terms of jurisdiction, it looks like Owens was tried on a federal level, while Miranda was tried at a local level. Any idea why?

2) Would the above sentences be considered typical for the charges on which Owens and Miranda were found guilty (sexual assault and misdemeanor sexual battery, respectively)?

3) I'm assuming that Owens and Miranda could have been tried for extortion, in addition to sexual assault or battery. Why weren't they?

4) Kind of random, but given the power dynamic, I'm curious as to whether Owens or Miranda's sentences would have differed if, say, rather than victimizing immigration applicants, either had coerced and assaulted a lower-level employee (i.e., if the crimes had a sexual harassment component)?

Apologies for the awkwardness/wordiness (this is my first post), as well as my general cluelessness. Cheers.

Can I show you my exquisite collection of etchings?

juv3nal — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 23:24:53 -0800

What's the origin of/meaning behind the idiom of inviting a lady to inspect one's collection of etchings as a (euphemized/veiled?) sexual proposition? I might have the exact formulation wrong, came across kind of vague and inconsistent uses of it in some hard boiled Hammett/Chandler kind of stuff.

Hi, I'm a textbook co-dependent, nice to meetcha!

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 15:56:31 -0800

Help me grow a spine, stop being a drama queen, and get control of my life again. I am in therapy, just to get that out of the way first. Unfortunately, I haven't had an appointment due to the holidays in almost a month and won't for a while, and I am hoping just to get some head-on-straight advice from all of you smarties here.

I went through a painful break up in June, 2007, ending a 10 year relationship. I got into that safe but ultimately suffocating relationship because my abandonment issues were too much for me to take on my own. I finally found the strength to end it last year, and have been staring into the void of all of this psychic pain that I never dealt with - neglectful, abusive parents, crippling loneliness and the lack of a family system, blah blah blah.

I am successful in my career; I work in a largely male dominated industry. I started a new job almost a year ago now, and there are virtually no women at the company. I have made new female friends, but I have very little in the way of a support system nearby. This is particularly difficult to me because I am a walking daddy issue with feet - I am very vulnerable to men because of my abandonment issues with my father.

After a work related function, I got severely sexually harassed by one of my subordinates. I had too much to drink and was unable to drive home, he had too much to drink as well, and he put the moves on me in a very disrespectful way, trying over and over again to kiss me despite my repeated "nos". At first I was embarrassed for him, after a while I got scared, and wound up hiding in the bathroom and calling a guy that I've been dating for 3 months to get "rescued".

The guy I've been dating had been great, but we are not exclusive, for myriad reasons, both of us being in a place where we're filling a void for eachother but are unable or unwilling to take it too much farther than we've taken it, but I was having a meltdown and he was who I decided to call.

He of course was furious and wanted me to get my subordinate fired. I felt uncomfortable with that, mostly because I was drunk at work and feel that I should have been more in control of the situation, and also because I have big emotional issues right now stemming from my current situation and the abuse in my past (including an abusive relationship), it's difficult for me to tell whether or not I overreacted to the situation or not. I don't want to get anybody fired because I am a little bit crazy and dramatic right now.

Last night, the guy I've been seeing and I had a terrible, drunken shouting match. All of this is pretty abnormal for me, at least it had been for the last 10 years, when I got myself some sanity. The big dramatic breakdown between me and new dude reminded me very much of the dysfunctional drama that I experienced when I was out on my own and a mess, before I hid in an unsatisfying relationship for a decade.

During this big dramatic fight, he gave me an ultimatum - to get my subordinate fired or he was going to never speak to me again. I know, I know, way to make an already fucked up situation even worse.

Ok, well, now that you have the (embarrassing, hence the anonymous-ness) backstory, here are some things I would love to get advice on:

1.) I know that I need to break up with 3 months dude. The fact that we had an argument like that, that he said the things he said, and that he would exploit something that is already very difficult for me, is a giant red flag -- nevermind the fact that we're not even exclusive and even if he wasn't a leetle bit crazy, I don't know that I'd want to be. Still, my feelings for him are pretty strong, and I know that I have to end this - I just genuinely don't know how. I don't know where I'm going to find the strength to not cave if and when he calls to apologize, which I am almost certain he will do.

2.) I really, really do not want to get my coworker fired. However, I am so stressed out about returning to work and having to deal with him. Now, not only is he the guy that harassed me, disrespected me and scared me enough to literally send me into an emotional tailspin (even though I understand my own part in it), the situation has manifested itself to have destroyed one of the few relationships that I was very much enjoying. I know that this relationship was headed for the rocks anyway, and that I can't blame this guy for it, but I will always see it, I do not know how to get past this and work with this man again. I know that it's on me to do so.

3.) I am in therapy and I call my friends and talk about this kind of stuff from time to time, but it is so, incredibly, terribly embarrassing. I have always been the rock for my friends and family; I can't stand being this dramatic and over the top. I don't even want to tell anybody about this because it's so humiliating. That being said, I know that's how I got myself into the terribly abusive relationship I was in in my youth (before I entered into my 10 year, significant relationship, which was a lot of things that weren't great, but was never, ever abusive) -- by isolating myself. I can't stop feeling like I am doomed to be a loony drama queen, despite all of my logical understanding of the situation, my behavior is driven from an emotional place. I feel like telling myself to stop freaking out is like trying to tell myself to stop feeling hungry or tired.

I know that I got out of this place before, but I did it by taking myself out of the game. I threw up walls everywhere, I stopped living for myself, and I gave up on my dreams in order to feel safe and loved. Now that I'm trying to strike out on my own, I feel crazy and dramatic and out of control. If you have been through this, how did you do it, while maintaining your sense of self? I keep telling myself, it's not too late for me, I can keep my job, I can keep my sense of self, I can do what I want to do, and I can do it on my own -- but obviously I'm not doing the best job of it right now. Obviously the drinking has to go. That's really the first and only step I've got on my list right now.

Words of comfort and advice would be very much appreciated. Or even words of "Stop being a drama queen you lunatic."

Overcoming Cymbalta Related Sexual Disfunction

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 09:14:01 -0800

I have been taking Cymbalta for about a month now for treatment for depression. I started on 30mg for 2 weeks and am now at 60mg. I am experiencing a lowered libido and difficulty maintaining an erection. Both may be in my head, since the literature says few people suffer from this (or I am just in the unlucky percentage). Everything will be going fine, then I start to have anxiety it won't last, and then it doesn't. It doesn't matter if I am with my partner or going solo. I had this same difficulty when I was on Prozac, but at the time had no partner, so obviously this is now important.

It has been about 2 years since I've been on antidepressants, so this is a new medication.

In this thread someone suggested taking Wellbutrin in combination with Cymbalta to resolve this. Is this the best option? Or do I have other choices?

I also have a question on a missed dose. Do I just make this up the next day? Or do I skip? Obviously, I'll not try to miss any. I am just wondering what should be done if I do.

I know these are better better questions for my doctor, but I won't be seeing him again for a month.

speed is not always a virtue

randomstriker — Sun, 11 Nov 2007 23:19:28 -0800

Premature ejaculation due to Post SSRI Sexual Dysfunction - how can I fix this? I was on 10mg Cipralex (i.e. escitalopram, a.k.a. Lexapro, Lexaprin, Sipralexa, Entact and Seroplex) for almost a year. Recently went through a tapering regime and finally cut it out altogether as of 10 days ago.

Most withdrawal effects have subsided, but I am left with very annoying premature ejaculation. Is there a solution to this or do I just have to ride it out? Of course I'll see my doctor about this but he generally scoffs at anything less than cancer or a broken bone and I need to go in armed with some information to push him into action.

How to Prevent Media from Reporting a Child Victim's Name

metawabbit — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 13:16:25 -0800

Is there any law or regulation that prohibits the media from reporting the name of a child victim of sexual assault? Is there any way to prevent the media from disclosing such information? The issue is in California. Specifically, a news paper is planning to report on a case involving sexual assault of a minor, and may include the minor's name in the report. The District Attorney has decided not to file criminal charges at this time, but a civil case is pending.

Did you ever experiment?

pantheON — Sat, 02 Jun 2007 23:57:28 -0800

Is it common for men to 'experiment' as boys? I (male) had my first gay experience when I was around 12 years old. It was with a friend (also male and around the same age) and went on for two or three years. It was relatively innocent, involving nothing more than mutual masturbation. I never associated what we did with the idea of ‘gay’. In fact, I had absolutely no concept of hetero- vs. homosexuality at that age. That friendship eventually waned and only a couple of years later I began experimenting again with another buddy of mine, this time pretty much going ‘all the way’. In both cases, it was my friend that made the first 'move'. Now, as an adult, I primarily identify as gay, and I feel strongly that having those experiences during my formative years helped shape my sexual identity.

Probably as a result of my own experiences, I have long assumed that it was common for boys to experiment sexually with each other. Since I had fooled around with friends throughout my early adolescence and since I had never been the one to initiate things, I guess I just assumed everyone else had found themselves in similar circumstances when they were young. Still, as an adult, whenever I've brought this up with my straight (and generally gay-friendly) buddies, they without exception deny ever having had similar experiences.

So, to better place my own sexual development in context, I'd like to know how common it is for young boys to experiment with each other. Particularly those who grow up to identify as straight.