Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex

Let me slip into something more comfortable

brainmouse — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 11:50:42 -0800

My boyfriend is having a really bad day at work. I'm going over to his house when his day is over (which will be pretty late). What is the best way to cheer him up? I have the obvious things (sex & beer), but I want to really make him forget today, at least until tomorrow... He'll be getting home pretty late -- probably post-dinner. What is your best idea for how to do this? I don't have time to do a lot of buying of things or whatever, but easy, cool things I should do... things that would make your night Perfect.

What's this sexual lightning bolt that I feel?

KateHasQuestions — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 13:23:44 -0800

Whenever I am close to someone I am sexually attracted to, I feel this spark go through my whole body. Is there a name for it? Why does this happen and what's going on in my body? Ever since I first felt this spark when I was 13, it's how I know whether I am attracted to someone or not. I've kissed some guys I thought were ridiculously hot and not felt the spark and knew I didn't want to kiss them again, and then there've been times when I'm hanging out with some not so great looking dudes and I feel the spark even before there's any kiss or touching!

I've described it to a few friends and they always said "yea, it's the butterflies in your stomach" but it's not just butterflies and it's not just my stomach. It feels like a mini lightning bolt that starts deep inside below my stomach, or somewhere around where the uterus would be (I think), and within a second spreads throughout my whole body, down to my girly parts and my knees, and up to my hands, and it kind of takes over for a second and makes me a little dizzy and a little weak, at the same time giving me chills, and it feels so so good. If a spark-causing guy is holding my hand and doing that thing with moving his thumb around in a circle, the spark pretty much keeps going. If I think about the guy and the spark later I can re-create it over and over. It's kind of weird, but the spark is really easy to recreate if I have to pee and I'm squeezing to prevent that - so there's something there that's related to the pelvic muscles. After several months of being with one person the spark sometimes fades, but can be brought back with one really passionate kiss.

So what is going on physically when I feel the spark? Are millions of sexually excited neurons happily racing through my body? Is there a name for this phenomenon?

How can I help make same-sex marriage legal?

Mrs. Pterodactyl — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 04:46:22 -0800

The legalization of same-sex marriage is very important to me. What can I do to help? I don't have much money to donate and I'm wondering what avenues would be best in terms of volunteering my time. Quick background, in case this is relevant in any way: I am a woman married to a man, my mother is an Episcopal priest who agrees with me on this issue and I live in DC so I don't have any congresspeople to whom I can write. What can I do to help make same-sex marriage legal throughout the country?

I was so horny it made me sad.

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 07:38:03 -0800

Depressionfilter: Help me understand a sudden increase in libido and its emotional aftermath. Context: Male, British, 26, straight, depressed (but not too badly, but then again maybe terribly).

I've been single for over three years. No sex, no kissing, nothing. No attempts made to be otherwise. No approaches from any women. Until recently, this hasn't been a problem. My sex drive has been easily managed, and my loneliness has been kept in check by my depressive thinking (women are beautiful magical wonderful creatures, but they'll never want you, ever, because you're awful, so go read a book or just die or something). This was all fine and well, or at least bearable, until a few weeks ago.

Then, out of nowhere, my sex drive exploded. It was like when you hear about a transgender person first being given testosterone - throbbing pulse, mind flooded with pornographic visuals, sexual desire like I've never felt before. Everything made me think of sex. I practically wanted to chase after women and start humping their legs in the street. It was absolutely horrendous. I could barely think. This lasted for about two weeks then finally abated.

Since then my sex drive has still been higher than it was before, but it's no longer driving me crazy. And, heartbreakingly, my perception of women (and myself) has changed slightly. Instead of seeing myself as fundamentally broken, awful, and disgusting, I've been thinking that, hey, I have a lot of good qualities and there must be a girl out there who'd think I'm okay. And instead of seeing desirable women as something completely alien, like a unicorn, I'm seeing them as real people who might, just might, maybe, one day, be interested in me. This is a big shift, and I suppose it's a good thing, but it brings into sharper focus how lonely I am and how much I crave sexual release, intimacy, and companionship. (Although, clearly, I'm not in the right place for a long-term-serious-relationship, and nor do I want one.) It's as if almost overnight I switched from being one of those sad, lonely guys to being one of those sad, desperate guys. And it hurts.

So I have two questions for you. One, what actually happened here? Two, what should I do next?

[And a few specifics about the depression: I think I've been suffering from a long-term non-crippling depression. I am functional, but self-esteem is an issue. I saw my GP a few months ago and he suggested computerised CBT, which I've singularly failed to engage with. I'm thinking of going back to see him soon.]

Disposable email at nonboinker3000000000@googlemail.com

[I asked this [http://ask.metafilter.com/134559/Too-horny-Cant-think-Need-sex] question previously, when I was in the grip of mind-warping hornyness. I'm quite ashamed of it now. I think this new question is more honest, but to me writing always feels like a kind of lying.]

Thank you.

Why are my pants parts sending different messages to my sleep center?

grapefruitmoon — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 17:58:54 -0800

I Can't Believe I'm Going To Ask This Non-Anonymously Filter: Why do I fall asleep after a clitoral orgasm, but not after an orgasm of the vaginal variety? Yep. That's about the size of it. Vaginal orgasms leave me WIDE AWAKE for a good hour or two, but a clitoral orgasm will knock me right out.

Why the difference? What kind of biochemical distinction is going on there? Wouldn't it be the same process in terms of hormones and what not?

Somebody to Screw Around With

Anonymous — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 06:15:05 -0800

How do I go about finding someone to sleep with on a regular basis, for fun? Over the Halloween weekend, I got laid. Hooray! It made me remember how much I like sex, and want to do it more (though not with that particular person; he was sweet, but our levels of experience—he was close enough to being a virgin that he was nervous about everything—were too different for me to want to go back). But I'm not dating anyone right now, and I've never been the kind of person who can just waltz out and have people falling all over me.

I've never done this before; what do I do to go about getting myself a regular fuckbuddy? And, since the sex is the point, how do I go about finding someone who's good?

Assume that I'm taking necessary precautions regarding STDs and contraception—one of the reasons I want to sleep with one person on a regular basis is to lessen the risk of just occassionally hooking up with random people because I just want to have sex, which is my current pattern.

Anonymous email if I've forgotten any important details: gimmegimmesomelovin@gmail.com
Other potentially relevant deets: I'm a woman and in New York.

I need advice on what to tell my partner.....

Anonymous — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:06:59 -0800

I need advice on what to tell my partner..... After having unprotected sex (no condom, we got tested (negative std tests)) for a few weeks with my partner (we have been dating for less than 4 months) I now feel after doing so, that it was too soon in our relationship for me. I want to go back to using a rubber. How would this look to you if your partner told you that?

Chappelle's sexual reference

i'm being pummeled very heavily — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 12:55:52 -0800

A few years back, I was watching The Chappelle Show and Chappelle, during one of his monologues, made a reference to a sexual act, using a word that I was not familiar with. I assumed the word came from hip-hop subculture. He followed up by saying something to the effect of, "I love using nasty words that white people/FCC don't know yet. They have no idea how dirty I'm being when I say _______ ." Does anyone remember what that word was and what it means? Sorry I can't recall the season or the episode or more context.

How to deal with his friendship with a former lover?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 21:04:40 -0800

(RelationshipFilter) My now boyfriend used to sleep with a good friend of his, while he was dating me. How do I deal with my feelings about him hanging out with her? Before we became exclusive (in the early stages of our dating relationship, but continuing after we started saying "I love you"), my now boyfriend was sleeping with a very close friend of his. I knew about it at the time and I hated it. She would sleep over at his place once a week and I knew what was going on, and it tortured me. After a few months we became exclusive (after I told him I wanted to) and he stopped sleeping with her. I never asked him to stop being friends with her or hanging out with her, but I asked him not to share details with me as it really bothers me when he sees her. I don't think he has feelings for her, nor do I suspect that anything is "going on" between them. A few weeks ago she came to an event that he and I attend regularly, and I had to leave because I felt so uncomfortable and angry. Today I found out that he went to a place that is very special to me, that we have been talking about going to together, with her, from a friend who told me he saw him there. I feel like he lied to me about it and was sneaking around, but he says he didn't tell me because I asked him not to talk to me about her. I don't know how we resolve this. I don't feel like it would be okay for me to say "stop being friends with her", but I'm tired of this being an issue and feeling betrayed and angry. I'm angry at him because I feel like he created this situation, but at the same time he wasn't doing anything technically wrong at the time: he wasn't lying to me or cheating on me. When I try to reverse the situation, I know that I wouldn't be hanging out with someone I was sleeping with at the same time as I was seeing him--actually, I wouldn't have been sleeping with a close friend, nor would I have been with someone else when I was saying "I love you" to him.
Does anyone have any ideas about how to deal with this? How do I stop feeling so angry and hurt? Am I totally in the wrong? We have a good relationship and good communication but things just go nowhere with this issue.

How to not be a 5 hump chump?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 11:22:57 -0800

Questions about male sexual stamina and use of viagra. NSFW more than likely. I am a mid 30s male who still lasts about as long as a teenager in bed. I'm really hoping to change this, but not sure how to go much longer.

I have had a friend recommend that I visit my doctor and look into getting Viagra, but I have no problems getting or maintaining an erection, just problems finishing too soon. Would viagra help this?

I know when I'm starting to get close but once I get close there seems like nothing I can do to back away from it...any suggestions would be appreciated.

How do I fix me?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:33:36 -0800

I feel like my life is over and I'm only 35. I feel completely stagnant and stuck, relationshipwise and jobwise. Do I need to change things or do I need to learn how to deal? Help me figure out how to be a happier person. Is there some Grand Unified Theory that explains all my problems? How do I fix me?

I'm a 35-year-old male who has dealt with lifelong anxiety. Two major things in my life right now have me in despair: my relationship and my job. Neither of these is awful; they are just blah. I can't see either of them improving. I feel like I'm too young to have a midlife crisis, but I feel like I have nothing left to look forward to. My life feels over. I feel like even if I change things, I'll become anxious and unhappy about something else. There are good things about my life, but I just do not know how to be content. Maybe deep down I feel like I don't deserve it.

I have been in therapy with different therapists on and off since I was 17. I've been seeing my current therapist for nearly 9 years, and I like her, and I have insights regularly, and she claims that I've changed for the better, but I still feel unhappy. I am a compulsive self-analyzer, but I can't seem to translate insights into actual change. Isn't the goal of therapy supposed to be to get to a point where you don't need therapy anymore?

I took meds (Celexa) for about 4 1/2 years. I never really felt like it solved things. I don't think I have depression -- I can function fine, I don't confine myself to bed, there are things I enjoy, I have genuine passion for life. It's just that life weighs heavily on me, and it always has.

I get frustrated and stressed out easily by little things in life. I have always worried about death, worried about wasting my life, worried about getting older (even when I was 21). Now I worry about middle age, old age. I'm gay, and I feel like I wasted my youth because I didn't come out of the closet until I was 24. I worry about long-term stress making me ill, which causes me more stress.

My relationship: I've posted a few AskMe's about this before (see here -- I changed details like numbers and dates in that first post because I wanted to be extra-safe about being anonymous), and I hate the idea of being a broken record, and I can see how people who have read my previous AskMe's might shake their heads at me for not having changed anything. But the thing is, I'm just terrified.

In short: my partner and I have been together for six years, and we've been in couples therapy for the last two. We truly love and care about each other and have a cozy, very boring, oxytocin-filled relationship, but we have never had a very sexual relationship, and after discussing it repeatedly in therapy, I'm pretty much convinced we never will. He has practically zero sex drive, and I'm just not sexually attracted to him. We have fooled around together twice -- twice -- in the last four years, and never did much before that. We have an open, don't ask/don't tell arrangement, which means that all my sex is with other people, which means that I can never have sex that includes intimacy, which means a big part of my life is very unfulfilled. Whenever I do start to feel some sort of intimacy with someone, I feel really guilty about it.

I guess the difference between this AskMe and my previous ones is that while I used to think there was a possibility we could eventually have a sexually fulfilling relationship, I've since realized we never will.

He also very much likes having a routine, likes being a homebody except for going to the theater alot (we live in Manhattan) and going to our favorite restaurant. He isn't big on excitement. Me, I need to shake things up every once in a while. That might sound odd, given that I tend to be pretty anxious, but I do like to expand my comfort zone sometimes, while he doesn't.

There are some days when I obsess about breaking up with him. But when it comes down to it, I just can't seem to do it. We have talked in our couples therapy about breaking up, and I would just miss him terribly -- having him next to me at night, talking with him, being with him. Plus, since I'm a very emotional person and I get stressed out easily, I just can't see how I could handle being alone and missing him. Our relationship has major flaws, but I do feel calmer knowing he is there whenever I get totally anxious about something. I cannot imagine being stressed out and having nobody to turn to, especially because I live in Manhattan, which can be a difficult, isolating place sometimes. Would I move into some small crappy studio by myself somewhere? I don't have very many friends, so I don't have much of a support system. (My partner and I are both in a social organization, so there are friends/acquaintances there, and people do like me, but it's hard sometimes because I worry about what people think of me.)

What if I wind up being single for the rest of my life? What if nobody else comes along? What if someone else does come along but that relationship is majorly flawed as well? What if my punishment for breaking up with my partner is that I never find anyone else again? Because, odd as this sounds, I do feel like I would be punished for it. That I am not allowed to change my situation, that I should be thankful for what I have, that I want too much.

Maybe I could keep him in my life, and we could be best friends?

And... what if I end the relationship and I'm still unhappy?

Now for the job situation: this is another thing entirely. My job is not very stressful and is sometimes decent, and I'm thankful for that, especially in this economy. But it's just a boring paycheck for me and isn't at all meaningful. Worst of all, over the summer, my office moved into a sterile office park in the New Jersey suburbs. Now I go to the office two days a week, which is a 1 hour 40 minute commute each way, and on the other three days I work from home, which feels so isolating and makes me feel like I'm not doing anything. I despair of ever getting out of this situation.

I have never known what I wanted to do with my life. I have seen career counselors, I have read career books -- at times I have been hopeful but I eventually despair. I have wanted to be a writer, a therapist, a journalist, a professor. I went to law school, but I didn't really enjoy being a lawyer. Now my job is related to the law, but it doesn't thrill me either. What I *do* like to do is read nonfiction and learn about things. I love learning and I love writing, but I don't think I have the expertise or ability to write nonfiction, and I have little interest in writing fiction. I am good at writing about myself, but who wants to read about me?

See how hard on myself I am?

I am also very fickle -- I can never be sure that what interests me now will interest me a few months from now. The only constant is history, particularly American history.

I feel hopeless at 35, and if the next 50 years are like the last 10, I don't know what I'm going to do, and I am only getting older. I am stuck, stuck, stuck, and I hate it.

I've created a MeFi account that I can't post from yet, but you can email me there if you want.

"How to get an orgasm to work in my pants?"

Anonymous — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 07:56:28 -0800

I'm a mid-20s male, I'm having orgasm problems and I desperately need to do something about it. Any advice would be gratefully received! Thanks for clicking through!

I have a long-standing problem of finding it extremely difficult to orgasm during any sort of sexual play. I've recently (and improbably!) started dating The Most Beautiful Girl In The World, and I'm terrified that it'll ruin our relationship.

I'm a mid-20s male, very skinny but not unhealthily so, with plenty of energy, who eats well and takes absolutely no medication. I'm certainly sensitive down there. I have purposefully been avoiding masturbation for several weeks. At this point I'm confused, and think there might been some psychological issues, and would really appreciate some advice.

What's that? You want way too much background info? Sure thing!:
I was in a 6 year long relationship that was the first time for anything sexual for both my ex-girlfriend and me. We had both masturbated frequently and then found that it took an immense amount of effort for either of us to reach orgasm when together. It was, however, possible, especially if we involved sex toys for her and were willing to be very patient for me. Due to this, our sex life was infrequent, though we remained very comfortable with each other's bodies. She then went through a period of change in her personal life and became unwilling to have sex for a period of about 2 years. During this I waited patiently, fulfilling myself through masturbation. Even past this point, sex was incredibly infrequent and often unsatisfying. I found myself finding her unattractive and considering ending the relationship. I still tried to initiate sex, but was usually rebuffed, though she usually showered me with apologies and confusion at lack of libido. During the last three years of the relationship, I frequently tried to seek couples therapy, but she wouldn't acquiesce. Finally, she ended up cheating on me with a random stranger that she met at a bar, citing that "she was frustrated at our lack of a sex life." The mind boggles. That was the end of our relationship.

Several months later, I have started dating the aforementioned Most Beautiful Girl In The World (seriously, she's loveliness personified, in every aspect) and am overcome with glee. I anticipated that I might have orgasm problems, and intentionally have gone completely cold turkey on masturbation for several weeks. Our sex life is, so far, fantastic. She's (bizarrely) very attracted to me, I'm obviously attracted to her, we both have well-matched libidos, I push her buttons with joyful, joyful ease and... I still can't reach an orgasm.

We've tried penetrative sex in a variety of positions, she has given me some absolutely mind-blowing oral sex, and there's still nothing. I remain hard, and even feel like I'm approaching orgasm. When I'm on the cusp (which takes a while itself), instead of going over the edge and ejaculating, I find myself almost pushing through it, after which the feeling dies down somewhat. There's no loss of erection, and I'm able to comfortably continue having sex.

It's obviously extremely beneficial to her, but she has expressed anxiety at not being able to please me. That's not true, as it's been feeling amazing, and I have told her the above, though not the gory details of my previous relationship. She's been very supportive and loving, but I fear that at this early stage in our relationship, it could ruin our chances of staying together.

I did once have trouble achieve an erection, but I was rather drunk, and it did come, though slowly. I presume I'm still able to achieve orgasm through masturbation, though I'm unwilling to try for fear of numbing myself in any way.

Unfortunately, I'm living hand-to-mouth at the moment, so I have no possibility of seeing a therapist. I do, however, wonder if the problem is psychological in nature, or if there are lesser known physical roots. I should note that I'm in London, in the UK, just in case that's of any help.

I set up a throwaway email account: athrowawayaccountformefi@gmail.com

Thank you for reading this!

Help me get my libido in check with reality.

Anonymous — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 07:56:21 -0800

Help me get my libido in check with reality. Very long story inside. I'm in a long-term (20+ years) relationship with my soulmate and the love of my life. We're married and have several children. We're happy.

But my libido is much, much stronger than hers, and it always has been. I could have sex twice a day; she could have it once or twice a month. Probably not that unusual, I know.

I've recently gone through therapy and learned a lot about myself; I learned how much I was blaming everything on her, and how I was counting on her affection as pretty much my sole source of happiness. So those are all things that I understand, and I'm working on. I'm beginning to see what a ridiculous burden I have been placing on her all these years, requiring (in my head) that she be ultra-physical and outgoing and giving in order for me to have any self-esteem or sense of worth.

But still, there's that physical urge that is just ridiculously strong. I'm late thirties, she's pushing 40. And I feel like a teenager when it comes to the hormones. Now, by most people's standards, we have a really good sex life. We have sex once or twice a week, on average. That's pretty good for people who work and have a house full of kids. We make it happen, in part thanks to her awesome attitude about it. And it's not like she doesn't enjoy it - she has orgasms as often as I do, and once she gets going she really enjoys it. But it takes effort to "get her going," whereas I'm pretty much always ready to go.

Here's something that I know shouldn't matter but does: I was a virgin when we got together. She wasn't. So she's the only partner I've ever had. So one of the things I'm constantly battling is this notion that I'm "missing something" - which intellectually I know isn't the case, but it nags at the back of my mind. I also struggle with jealousy, that she got to experience things I didn't.

Also: I know one of the time-tested bits of advice usually given is exercise, but paradoxically, when I go through periods of fitness/nutrition, all of this gets much more intense - I guess because of all of the testosterone and emphasis on physicality. So those are things I do and need to do anyway, but just please understand that "get more exercise" isn't helpful in this case.

I masturbate as often as is practical, but that doesn't really move the needle. To me, that's something different entirely, and doesn't satisfy the desire for skin-on-skin intimacy.

So, then: How can I adjust my libido and expectations down into the realm of reality? How do I approach/conquer the notion that I should be getting more (sex/affection/etc.)? How can I make this mean less to me, depress me less, bother me less?

crazy little thing called the love that dare not speak its name

Jon_Evil — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 07:16:55 -0800

I need some academically credible synonyms for same-sex erotic activity that are less ambiguous than "gay sex" and less clinical-sounding than "homosexual contact." I'm helping to revise a 30-year-old book about human sexuality for re-publication, and the state of homo-politico-linguistics has changed considerably. The author refers to "gays" as a demographic group, but sometimes he's talking about only exclusively homosexual-identifying men, and sometimes about anyone of any gender that's ever slipped a bit towards the right of the Kinsey scale. He uses "gay sex" in a similarly inconsistent way.

The problem with "Queer" and its derivatives is that it's still a loaded term, and while pretty much everyone under thirty sees it as a positive description, older people (including the author) see it as a slur.

Just to be clear, I'm not looking for names of specific acts, but a generalized term for everything along the spectrum from kissing to fisting, just as long as you keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay.

[relationshipfilter] Suggestions on working within an open relationship (not including, get out of it)?

Anonymous — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 11:59:01 -0800

Offer me suggestions on my open relationship. I believe in it - but still feel a little weird about it. My partner and I have been together for four years now. We are one another's primary partner in terms of emotional relations - but we have essentially a don't ask/don't tell policy with regards to what we each do with other people. We both feel that monogamy works poorly as a universally imposed standard and feel that sexual monogamy is not important to either of us. We certainly don't believe that enforced monogamy "saves" a relationship that isn't going to work on all other counts - so we see no point for ourselves in enforcing it.

Our only rules are - if you have sex, have it safely; and if an outside relationship starts to impact what we have, you have to be forthright about it so we can work through it. We've discussed these issues on several occasions, and I firmly believe both she and I are on the same page about it.

My problem is, although I do honestly believe these things, there is some part of me (maybe linked to too much Disney viewing as a kid?) that feels that I'm doing something wrong if I start to think about acting on this policy - I haven't done so myself, yet, and I don't know whether she has. I think it is probably cultural absorption - but it makes me feel a bit badly. And then of course I feel bad that I'm not living up to what I believe in - at least, abstractly, I'm not down on myself because I'm not chasing hot ladies.

I'm also worried that, despite what I believe about monogamy, if these feelings continue to bother me, it might damage our relationship. I'm not worried about jealousy - thinking about things from her POV doesn't bother me at all.

I'd prefer no responses along the lines of "this is a sin" and "this can never work" - I respect that other people's opinions about whether this is OK to do will differ. But what I'm looking for is specific advice about how to deal with feelings I didn't expect - not lectures on my sinfulness or misguided-ness. (If you want to offer a detailed exposition of where I've mistaken something, that would be OK.)

If you have a relationship like this, do you get these feelings too? How do you work with them? Do you feel that your open partnership works for you? Or have you found that feelings of jealousy or guilt - wherever they come from - have gotten in the way, despite your best intentions?

Sex Selection in Cloning

zzazazz — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 14:28:12 -0800

Is it possible to choose the sex of a cloned mammal or do you have to create a clone of the same sex at the animal being copied?

Phase 1: Use Internet; Phase 2: ?; Phase 3: Hook-up.

Anonymous — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 15:06:46 -0800

Recommendations and advice sought for hooking up online in the UK. I've been single for a little too long now and being uncomfortable with the bar/club environment I've been trying to organise a hook-up online. Trying and failing, utterly. I could use some advice and recommendations for UK-centric casual encounter websites. I'm male, straight, late twenties, not prohibitively unattractive, but not all that hot either.

One problem is that I'm not comfortable with uploading a facepic to my profiles/ads. Sending one by email, or after exchanging a few messages is fine, but being discovered by a colleague or family-friend on an internet sex site could have serious consequences for me so I do need to exercise a little discretion. I've been using body pics (head obscured or out-of-frame) so far. If this were a dating thing the picture wouldn't be such an issue, but this is a sex thing.

I'm beginning to wonder if the whole idea is a waste of time and I'd love to hear from anyone in the UK who this has actually worked for. I should stress, I'm not looking for a serious relationship. A casual-girlfriend thing could work, but sex is what this is all about. I'd assumed that there must be some reasonably attractive, compatible woman nearby who's looking for the same thing, and that it wouldn't be all that tough to at least meet for a coffee and see how it goes, but maybe my assumed parity of supply and demand is wildly unrealistic. Interested to know your thoughts on this.

Anyway, here's where I'm at:

Tried Plenty of Fish but they only allow photos if you include your face, and their user-base skews moronic.

Tried Craigslist. No bites.

Tried Gumtree (UK's craigslist equivalent). Nothing.

Tried okcupid. Sent a load of messages. Zip.

Tried eharmony. Doesn't seem suited to hook-ups.

Tried (paid for!) Adult Friend Finder. Sent a load of messages. Nothing. This one really surprised me.

I'm interested in specific recommendations, anecdotes, or critiques of my entire position. Go nuts. And thanks, really.

Falling in love, with caveats.

Anonymous — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:31:29 -0800

Falling in love pretty quickly. First time for a lot of things. Some issues are coming up. I'm mid 30s, male. About 5 weeks ago, I met a really lovely girl online. We've both done a lot of online dating and both are pretty sick of it. Things progressed quickly and many things are really wonderful.

Namely:
Awesome sense of humor overlap
Pretty low stress and high fun percentages
We're able to communicate openly serious stuff
We both find each other really attractive
Conversation is easy
We're both insanely affectionate people and whenever we're together, which is often, we're always touching

Basically in almost every sense I'm smitten with her.

But of course, there is the sex.

She's on anti-depressants which she says limits her libido. I'm kind of a horn-dog. But the thing is, there isn't a total lack of sex by any means. The first few times were really not so amazing, but it's been getting better little by little, to the point where it's bordering on pretty good. She's not prudish or hesitant about things once they get rolling.

But she rarely initiates things. I told her that I really don't want her to push herself into doing things that she doesn't want to do, and that I want to give her time to figure out herself in relation to the medications. But there is a hesitancy about what happens between us that frightens me a bit. On the bright side of things, sex between us is getting better and I think she's enjoying it more. On the dark side of things, it's still not something that I think she's super interested in, and I worry that after this honeymoon period is over, she might be even less interested, and at that point I might have even more intense feelings for her that would make it even more hard to make a decision about this.

The other hard factor to take into account is that neither of us have been in long term relationships very much. I'm not sure if my crazy desire would stand up in a long term relationship, and maybe I'd be happy with less. And I'm not sure that she wouldn't maybe get interested in sex more in a loving situation where she felt comfortable with someone. From knowing her a little bit, I think that may be quite possible but I'm not sure.

Basically I'm falling in love with this person, and I'm excited by her. Things are better between us than in any relationship I've ever been in, and I think she feels the same. But I'm terrified of being in a sexless, more or less friendship kind of marriage. I definitely want to give this more time, maybe a lot more, to figure out how things settle. We've talked this over quite a bit and I think she's very interested in having us both feel comfortable sexually and otherwise. As I understand it, before the meds, her libido was quite a bit stronger, but it's never been crazy strong.

My basic question is: My instinct is that this could be a really great thing, and I want to give it my all and hope that through communication and time, we'll figure out what works between us (because things are on the border of being ok already and we haven't really known each other that long). But I also wonder if I'm not setting us up for heart break down the line by letting my feelings progress while I feel there is this barrier between us.

I know this is overthinking, seriously. I know that. But it's on my mind a lot and I'm not sure how to think about it. I'd be happy to hear everyone say "things are ok, you haven't known her for very long, if they are improving keep communicating and hope for the best".

To fend off some clarifying questions:
Welbutrin is not an option. Other med changes might be. She might be interested in stopping the meds at some point, but she says they have helped her a lot to deal with some low-level depression and I don't really want to mess with that.

Boyfriend cannot orgasm during sex.

lwclec072 — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 12:16:41 -0800

After 3 years boyfriend tells me he thinks he may have a sexual dysfunction. My boyfriend cannot orgasm during sex. I orgasm perfectly fine, I finally learned to have a gspot orgasm after 2 years and I can have a clit orgasm, though only through foreplay. He recently told me he doesn't get off during sex after I have found out he was hiding a porn dvd from me and I caught him masturbating a couple times. He blames it on a sexual dysfunction but I seriously doubt that only because I feel if he cannot orgasm during sex, how can he masturbate in under 10 minutes. When I question him about it it only starts a fight between us and he says I'm being selfish for wanting to be able to please him, because I do try. It just hurts me, that all this time he says he enjoys me and that he orgasms, then he breaks down and tells me differently 3 yrs later. It honestly makes me lose trust for him, I feel if he knew he had a sexual dysfunction he would have told me from the start. I really do not know how to deal with this. I know he loves me deeply which is probably why he has hidden it from me to keep from hurting me. He also said he can orgasm with me but he cannot cum when I told him it was practically the same thing he just tells me that I do not understand. I assure him I really do understand and I know that sex should not be all about achieving an orgasm, it's more so about the closeness and intimacy, but still it bothers me knowing I cannot please him. Also any time I have ever talked about bringing toys into the relationship he blows it off like he's not interested. Can anyone help me to understand or possibly offer some helpful tips if youve had similar problems.

A couple side notes, he suggested trying lubes but I always thought lubes were more for women than men. Also we do not use protection so that's not an issue.

Should I consider dating a woman?

Anonymous — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 15:16:03 -0800

Is the idea of experimenting with a same sex relationship even smart when you aren't sure it is something you would consider in a long term way? I'm in my late 20s and have a what I think a fairly average sex life so far. I've had about 10 sex partners (all male) and dated plenty, some seriously. (I'm single at the moment though.) I definitely enjoy sex with men and am attracted to them, but I also find myself attracted to women, or at least the idea of women. At least half of my fantasies/sex dreams are of women, and I enjoy lesbian pornography. (I don't believe this is uncommon though.) I, like many women, have had the random kissing with a woman at a bar whilst drinking a handful of times, but that is about as far as anything has gone. As for my orientation, I would probably hasten a guess that I am probably bisexual, but even that seemed cliche somehow.

I think a same sex relationship is something I would be interested in trying but there are a couple questions I have:
1. Is wanting to experiment in something like this insulting to a woman I potentially dated (or whatever it would be)? I would obviously be totally upfront about my intentions but still. I know a lot of people use same sex experimentation around kind of like tiny dogs in purses in that they are trendy and that isn't my goal at all.
2. How would one go about this to begin with? I live in a fairly small city where everyone seems to know everyone else, so there would be no sense of privacy, which would be my preference until I established if it was something that was working. Yes, I know this sounds very "in-the-closet" but it is what it is.
3. Has anyone here done this? How did it work? Are you glad you did it?

throwaway email address: once.you.go.anonymous@gmail.com

Sex with an ex?

bananaskin — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 12:15:25 -0800

I'd like to hear stories or comments from others who have slept with their exes. I am a woman in my 40's....I had dated my ex-boyfriend for about 2 years, off and on. He was an alcoholic & liar during that time. Slept with other women without telling me supposedly during our "off" times, but there were definately overlapping times in which he never disclosed what he was doing. I found out and broke it off, then we got back together and on the cycle went. He no longer sleeps with other women, or so he says. Of course I do not believe him. He stopped drinking 6 months ago. But his basic selfishness & dishonesty continued.

Anyway, during our last break up & no contact for 6 weeks, I finally caved and called him to come over in the middle of the night, "just for sex". Of course, he comes over, jumping at the chance for sex. I had thought in the past, and wonder now if sex was his sole or main desire all along, not a real relationship.

We now have done this 2 times, and the experience was good, I guess. It was just plain sex. There was no intimacy. In fact, the whole thing from beginning to end was in the dark with absolutely no eye contact. I still hate him, but feel good to have this physical comfort, being quite lonely. I am "using" him now, and that feels like some sort of revenge, but I am sure he is not being hurt at all in this, as he enjoys it too.

I just wonder, how do you keep from getting hurt out of something like this? This really is not my nature, as I really want to have an emotional, real, relationship with sex growing out of that. I have found that I feel a little sad and dissappointed with the emptiness, being that the sex is devoid of any communication, intimacy, sharing of emotion. But I find if he just comes over late at night, then leaves right away, I can sort of "compartmentalize" this away from the rest of my daily life.

At the same time, it does feel a little liberating to just use him for sex and enjoy it just for that.

Any other people out there who have done this and have some stories to share or advice?
Thank you.

When should I tell my ex I am seeing someone now?

Anonymous — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 13:31:45 -0800

When should I tell my ex I am seeing someone now? Story goes...My ex and I broke up over a year ago. He expressed he wanted to remain friends. After months of getting over it I contacted him. I wanted to stay friends. There is just one thing...I booty called him and we hooked up and I told him we could do this more often and he agreed and added "friends first". Since then we haven't hung out as friends or hooked up. I am now seeing someone and not interested in hooking up with the ex, but I do still want to hang out with him. He contacted me several times to get together so my problem is now how?, when? should I tell him that now when I say yes to an invite to hangout with him I won't want to have sex with him. He is not the type of guy that will throw himself on me to try get into my pants, but I don't want him to think I will be jumping his bones when I see him. Should I let him know there won't be hanky panky before I see him over the phone or text, should I wait when we hangout to bring it up or wait til he brings it up and asks me why I haven't tried to get him in bed when we are hanging out?

Tired of all the cliche's

Anonymous — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 07:39:13 -0800

Harry and I got married when I was 42. Ours was a rocky relationship at its worst and absolutely riveting at its best. Even today the passion we share and yes, even the fights we occasionally have are intense, but all the laughter, that is what kept us together. We are sharing our 25th wedding anniversary on our wedding day this December. We are writing vows and I wanted to know what are the little things in relationships that made you love someone the most? I feel like all the things I want to say are cliche I need inspiration. I don't want to disappoint him.

Those Kitten Socks are So Hawt

mmmbacon — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 11:14:42 -0800

How can I stay sexy in the winter without getting frostbite? My usually winter bedtime wear consists of sweatpants and a huge red, Coca Cola bear sweatshirt. I also wear socks. It's not a get-up that inspires much affection from my fiance and I feel rather frumpy all winter. Are there any attractive, flattering, warm winter pajamas out there?

Bonus points for easy, um, accessibility.

Men: "Nice shoes!" (trans: let's fuck!) Women: "Nice shoes!" (trans: let's be friends!)

Eleutherios — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 19:22:11 -0800

Previously dated men, now wants to date women. Problem: I can't tell when women are interested in me or if they just want to be friends. I seem to be pretty good in picking up on clues that a man is sexually interested in me, women not so much.

I've had scenerios show up over and over with men and women:

-Being stared at in a bar/party/club
-Being told that I'm attractive/sexy
-Being messaged on online dating sites
-Having a friend of their's introduce me ("Hey are you single? If yes, my friend would like to meet you!)
-Someone inviting me over their house to fix dinner for me
-Being grinded on the dance floor

Whenever men show the above behaviors, it almost always leads up to them wanting to pursue a relationship and/or have sex with me. I've always reject those advances, because I'm not sexually attracted to men, eventhough I pretended to be for a while. I was in a few relationships with men, but they were sexless.

Whenever women show the above behaviors I get a different result. Unlike with the guys, I don't show coolness when women act like that around me, I actually turn up the heat. Once I show my attraction, I'm told that they are looking for friendship and not anything more. That's if I'm lucky, there were a few occasions where women just walked away from me.

This has caused me a lot of frustration and confusion, the fact that the very same behaviors has led to very different outcomes, depending on the gender involved. To add to the confusion, whenever I show those above behaviors, I am definately sexually attracted to a woman. I mean, I would never invite a woman over to my house (knowing that we are both lesbians) to cook for her, if I wasn't trying to have sex with her or wanted her to be my girlfriend. It would just be awkward.

I've been told that I think a lot like a guy, so I think this is messing up my perception a bit. For those who date women, regardless of your gender, how do I tell the difference between friendly interest and sexual interest? Please help a woman who's new to this scene.