Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex

Want to enjoy sex but am turned off by myself

Anonymous — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 08:09:21 -0800

I don't have a low sex drive, but I rarely want to have sex. Or rather, I WANT to have sex but I don't want to be me while I'm doing it. I'm a 30something female, happily married to a male for several years. I struggled with body image issues and self-loathing as a teen/young adult, mostly due to a weight problem, which I now mostly have under control (but my weight does tend to fluctuate).

Sometimes I really enjoy sex. Sometimes it's just okay, and I'm doing it more out of obligation. My husband and I have discussed this, and over a year ago he decided not to "badger" me anymore – we would do it when I wanted to. While I can tell he tries not to make me feel bad when it's been awhile, I also know he gets frustrated. The resulting self-induced guilt doesn't do much to help me get in the mood.

The problem is not that I want to be with anyone else – actually, that would be worse. The problem is me. I am not attracted to myself. When I fantasize about sex, I am never involved. It's always other people.

I've read some MeFi threads on self-loathing, "how can I make my wife feel sexy," etc. Frankly, the idea of doing role play or anything that would really expose me physically is anything but a turn-on. (But if I could transport myself into a body I found attractive? Sign me up.)

I think for a long time, the reason I never spoke to anyone about this (or even really realized it) is because it seemed like leftover chubby kid issues. But it's not that, exactly. My weight's fluctuated enough throughout my adult life, and been low enough, that while I know it makes me feel better and healthier when it's at a good point, I still never feel *sexy*. And since I'm incapable of feeling sexy, it's pretty damn hard to enjoy sex. Wouldn't matter who it was with. Sometimes that feeling of self-disgust is so strong I don't even want to touch myself in a sexual way.

I've never been sexually abused. I've always had body image issues. I appreciate many different body types, find many different body types attractive, and I'm certainly not saying I feel like I need to fit some conventional type to suddenly like my body and enjoy sex. And it's not just the weight – I have quite the mental list of various things that I dislike about my body. Some are changeable, some are not. Objectively, I can look at myself in the mirror and acknowledge the fact that I am okay looking – even attractive, at times. But I never feel like a sexual creature, which is why I think this is much more a psychological problem than a physical one.

I am not in therapy for various reasons, although I will certainly consider it. And while I have been (and will continue to) attempting to do things like eat well, exercise, be hygienic, even pamper myself occasionally, I don't think it's going to magically make me feel like a more sexual person.

Enormous thanks in advance for any advice.

It's almost more like acquantances with benefits?

OrangeDrink — Sat, 15 Jun 2013 20:28:26 -0800

How should I talk to a friend I slept with about what the hell is going on? Howdy. I'm a straight male, and drank a whole bunch with two straight female friends of mine the other night. During this time, they were teasing me about how I haven't sex in a long time and that I need to just relax about the situation and have fun with someone. I walked one girl home to her house and she grabbed me, took me inside and we had sex. It was pretty fun, and hey, one time drunken sex doesn't necessarily mean anything.

However, a few days ago, She invited me out with some friends. I came out, and and again we ended up at her house having sex. She's always been physically affectionate towards me, and I've always enjoyed her company, but I can't imagine actually dating her. We have little in common and run out of things to say pretty quickly, our senses of humor don't really jive, and in general she's not what I'm looking for in a partner.

She's complained about how she finds guys to hang out or have sex with but who don't want to be in a relationship with her, so I sure as hell don't want to be one of those guys and reinforce that idea, but as things stand that's who I am. Maybe she's totally cool with just being FWB sort of a thing, but I don't know that, and need to figure out what she is looking for/thinks this is before I go on with this.

Do you have any suggestions on how to do this? I've never been in a situation like this before, but I get a sense she's hoping for more from this situation than I am.

Halp?

Me want porn

sock puppy — Sat, 15 Jun 2013 14:37:15 -0800

I’m looking for a specific type of porn/erotica. Not sure how to describe it, maybe “primitive” or “tribal”? Basically sex scenes involving some mixture of ritual sex, elaborate preparation for sex, perhaps community participation, onlookers, etc. and/or societies in which lack of privacy during sex is the norm.

Some examples of the type of thing I’m talking about:

-The mating ritual scene in Valley of Horses with Ayla and Jondalar.

-The scene in the Red Tent where the main character is ritually deflowered by female relatives.

-The scene in Dances with Wolves where the Native American couple make love in their tent while the main character can see them.

-A scene from the romance novel Adora, in which the young princess is meticulously groomed and then ritually deflowered by servants before her husband the king joins her in bed.

I’m interested in mainstream books or movies that have scenes like this, as well as erotic books or stories and hard or soft-core porn with this theme. What can you recommend me?

Don't want to send my kid sister to jail...

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 16:34:45 -0800

My sister told me about some pretty disturbing and illegal things that she is doing. She clearly needs some kind of help or intervention, but I have no idea how to go about doing that without putting her in jail. I feel totally lost and conflicted. I just got back from a visit with my younger stepsister, who is 18 years old and has always been kind of a rebel. We don't see each other that often, a few times a year, and we text/facebook a couple times a month maybe - we live a fair distance from each other. I'm always worried about her because she had a really messed up childhood, and has been in trouble since forever.

But now things have gotten to an extreme level. I was with her for about 10 minutes when she started telling me everything that she was doing lately. She has a new boyfriend and hangs out with him and his friends all the time - they're part of ___(gang name? or some crew or something...)___. Some of them are always on probation/in jail, etc. She says they are the greatest guys she's ever met, that they are all about respect and are seriously the best friends. She said she has stopped hanging out with her old friends because these guys are just so good to her.

I think she is selling drugs and thinking she won't get caught because she's an innocent looking white girl. She said that the only other person who knows about it is our 13 year old sister (!) who is 'cool' and won't tell. Her boyfriend is also asking her to hold on to his pot plants. She said she just had to tell me because she had to tell someone in the family and our other older sister would just tell her mom. (I've always told my little sisters that they could tell me anything and I wouldn't tell on them, because our parents are really messed up. Now I don't know what to do).

I also think she may be involved in sex work - she said some things that hinted in that direction, or that she may be somehow profiting by helping to recruit other girls into it. If I felt like this was an autonomous choice that she was making I wouldn't have a problem with it, but it feels really shady, like she's being pimped/involved in pimping.

So it basically sounds like she's involved with this gang who is using her to sell drugs and do sex work/recruit girls. I don't know why she spilled all this to me in the short amount of time we were hanging out, but I'm guessing it's a cry for help? Even though she didn't seem that distressed about it, almost proud, telling me how much money she could make off drugs, etc. But that could just be a defense mechanism to help her deal with all this that is happening to her? I don't know how to help her if she's not distressed and wanting to do something about it.

I feel like now I have all this information and I don't know what to do with it. I can't tell our parents. She lives with her mom (who is not my mom) and her mom's boyfriend, who are possibly abusive and have their own mental health/addictions issues. She has no relationship with our dad. If I go to the police then she'll end up in jail - I feel like maybe a lot of people will suggest I go to the police but I feel like jail is just going to damage her further, not help her. At the same time, though, I'm worried for say, my 13 year old sister who lives in the same house her (where she is possibly selling drugs from). Her mom is also extra stressed lately from some heavy family stuff that's going on and everyone is worried that she's on the verge of another mental breakdown - I don't think she's in a place to capably handle this like an responsible adult.

I know this is all heavy. I'm kind of in shock and anxious about being an accomplice by knowing all this (also I am in school for a profession that has mandated reporting - does this apply to me while I'm in school? How much legal trouble could I get in for knowing this information and not saying anything about it? I'm in a professional program). I feel like she's just lost and it seems hopeless. She's also super skinny, says she only does drugs once in a while but she looks like she is wasting away. What do I do? Should I talk to a prof in my program? Call a social worker? Tell her mom and risk that her mom won't do anything but kick her out/scream/god knows what? Tell our older sister (who is 23) and let her handle it, knowing that the 18 year old will never trust me again, and putting a heavy burden on my sister?

I am seriously lost and kind of avoiding the situation, but it's weighing on me and I know I have to do something. I want to talk to her about it, but I'm scared to write anything in a text or facebook message, as that becomes evidence of me being an accomplice in all this. I could call her but we don't usually ever talk on the phone.

Thanks in advance for your thoughtful responses.

Should I ask a woman if a child is mine?

Bathtub Bobsled — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 10:28:48 -0800

Short story: I was visiting family in a nearby city when I noticed a young boy who looked alarmingly like my daughter and me. After seeing him with his mother, I recognized her as someone I had briefly been intimate with, but when I made eye contact, her reaction made me feel uncomfortable. Knowing she has not reached out, should I respect her privacy? Long story:

Last weekend, I was visiting my relatives for a dance and music showcase for youths at a city a few hours away. One of the performers, about 11 years old, caught my attention because he looked a lot like my daughter, whom obviously looks very much like me. I checked the program and didn't recognize the boy's last name. Afterwords, while everyone's milling about in the foyer, I see this boy standing with a woman I had a brief relationship with in college.

The extent of the relationship was brief, but we did have sex twice. She had just gotten out of an abusive relationship, and we had known each other as casual acquaintances in the year or so prior. After a party, she had invited me back to her dorm, and we had sex, but I can't remember too many details of it, as I had been a bit intoxicated. Later that weekend, she had visited me in the afternoon, and again we were intimate. I had not used protection, but she had assured me she was using birth control, and I sincerely believe she was telling the truth.

It was the end of the school year, that week was Dead Week, then finals, and she graduated (a year ahead of me). Aside from a couple AIM conversations, nothing happened after that. I really liked her a lot, she's a beautiful woman, but there was a class thing, I guess. She came from a very wealthy family, and I learned (the following year) her sorority sisters had kind of come down on her for the indiscretion. Or maybe this had nothing to do with it, and I'm just rationalizing, I dont know. It hurt, but I brushed off my pride, and tried to let it go.

After I saw him with her, I made eye contact and started to smile hoping to engage her in a conversation, maybe a "hey, it's been ages... What are you up to?" deal. But she immediately looked away, and started talking to someone, making it clear that she both recognized me, and wanted nothing to do with a conversation of any sort.

At the time, I didn't entertain the possibility. Then, as we were driving home, I started to do the math, and began to think, "holy shit, maybe!" The kid is in 5th grade, so he should be eleven,(it's the end of the school year), add 36-40 weeks, and that would be about the time we were intimate. I don't know his birthday, so I acknowledge maybe part of this is a small piece of me unable to let it go and swallow my pride that she didn't want me. But I couldn't help notice how much he looks like me. I even (and I'm going to burn in hell for this) said to my wife "Hey, doesn't that boy look like he could be [my daughter's] brother?" And my wife laughed and said "Wow. Maybe someone did buy your sperm."*

But if she never reached out to me to tell me I have a child with her, and if she doesn't even want to have a polite conversation with me, I must respect her need for privacy, I know. For all I know, he isn't my son, and it would just make an awkward situation that much worse, but I'm having trouble just letting this go. Should I try to make contact with her, and if that's a bad idea, how do I move on and put it out of my mind?

*The sperm donor thing is a joke with my wife and I. When I needed money in college, I had visited a clinic, but after the initial consultation, I never went back, but my wife still busts my chops about it. I never donated.

Can you explain Swedish relationship /sex culture to an American?

zettoo — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 07:20:27 -0800

As an American woman, I understand we have different expectations regarding sex and dating/new relationships than what generally happens in Sweden. My experiences with Swedish men have been a bit confusing, and I wonder if that may be part of a cultural communication disconnect. I love the culture of equality in Sweden, and as a strong American woman I respect it. But even as someone who naturally is more comfortable making the first move, being open with men, it has been drilled into me from experiences with American guys that to make the first move, or express feelings, etc. too soon seems to push the guys away (in general), so I've held myself back a lot (with varying success). Swedish women: can you enlighten me on your attitude about sex, what is considered generally normal or expected when you meet a guy, and how you handle yourself in casual sex / friends with benefits situations? It seems that, in general, many Swedes have a healthy attitude about sex, and I'm hoping you can impart some wisdom. If you tend to have a lot of casual relationships or sexual relationships with friends, how do you manage this without confusion and hurt feelings? I really think Swedish folk can have something positive to teach us Americans about how we view sex, and am very curious to hear some first-hand experiences.

Date or wait?

Anonymous — Mon, 10 Jun 2013 08:13:17 -0800

I'm a man in his mid-twenties. I've never been in a relationship. I've never even taken anyone out on a date. I want to rectify this, but I think my mental health and my living situation prevent me from doing so. Should I even try to date? If not, what should I do? Details inside. I don't have many friends. None of them are close. No friends of mine have ever been very close. I never learned how to make and keep friendships when I was young. Likewise, I never learned how to form romantic relationships with women. No one has showed any interest in me. I've been too anxious to show interest in anyone else. I haven't had sex. I haven't kissed anyone.

I feel ashamed of this fact, so I do my best to hide it, though it must be obvious to any observant person. I've always been anxious around women, particularly those I'm attracted to.

Social interaction in general makes me anxious. I easily convince myself that I'm not really welcome. After an hour or so of conversation, I stop talking and withdraw from the group. I rarely think I have anything valuable to add.

For a long time, I thought I was basically unlikable. I still have trouble saying I have any good qualities. I've been depressed for a long time. I'm currently getting therapy for the anxiety and the depression.

I've lived at home since graduating college. I pay my parents a below-market but not inconsequential rent. Most of my income goes to my student-loan payments. My job isn't in the field I studied for, and I don't expect a promotion, a raise, or a change to a better job anytime soon. That said, the pay gives me a little room for recreation. I try to pay as much toward my loans as I can. If I wanted to, I could wipe out much of one of my loans, but I would need to wipe out much of my savings with it. I don't like the thought of not having any money for an emergency.

I'm going to be taking swimming lessons this month. I try to swim as much as I can. Unlike other kinds of exercise, it feels good, though my form is bad. I feel much less anxious after exercising. I hope to start a regular swim routine on the weekdays.

I'm inclined to think I should get my house in order before trying to date. I can't imagine a woman my age would want to date an unattractive, poor, sexually inexperienced wreck who lives with his mother. If she did, I doubt the relationship would last long, and if it did, it probably wouldn't be healthy.

At the same time, I should find some way to become less socially stunted, particularly at my age. I can't learn how these interactions work if I don't ever try them. I don't know whether it's possible to recover after such a long time, though.

Given all this, should I try to date? If so, how should I do it, and how should I handle not having a place of my own? If not, what should I do instead? What should be my attitude toward my inexperience?

You can reach me at doubtfulthrowaway@gmail.com.

I know they're nice, but they're not for me!

Anonymous — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 11:01:43 -0800

I'm in an amazing relationship, with someone I've known for over two years, and we've been dating for a year-ish. We're both women in our early 20's. I've only dated women up to this point, and been very happy with that. It seems that my brain doesn't want to keep that status quo anymore and is trying to convince me I want to experience being with men. I don't want to be with men. I don't like men as well as women, I prefer women sexually, and I love my girlfriend an extreme amount. We're very happy and healthy. I like the idea of being with men, and I had a good experience with the one guy I've seen (see next paragraph). I just know I'm happiest with her, and the few benefits of dating guys wouldn't make up for how much I care about her and how happy she makes me.

This doesn't bother me often. But the last time I had these urges, I ended up breaking it off with her abruptly, seeing the guy for a few weeks, and then ending that because it wasn't what I wanted. She took me back. I will not do that again. I don't want to break up ever, but I definitely won't break up with her for a stupid fling.

How do I ignore these feelings? I don't care that I'm sexually attracted to both genders. Not a big deal. The problem is that I start to think about men too much in what-if hypotheticals, and that makes me anxious. That anxiety makes me question the relationship in ways I wouldn't if I were thinking clearly. And then that leads to me distancing myself from my girlfriend. And then it snowballs.

I know I need to talk to someone about this, but I don't want to bring it up with her because of last time. I just need tips on how to rationalize this to myself and convince myself that this is not the end of the world that my brain wants me to think it is. And I do not want to break up with her.

Fear and Loving in NYC

nob'dy — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 12:59:15 -0800

Why am I not successful in love and lust? So, this will seem like a shallow question, and you can feel free to judge me. Here's the thing: I recently moved to NY from a university town, and my sex life has evaporated. I go out, I talk to women, I'm actually fairly good at initiating conversations, I've even made out a few times. But follow-ups don't seem to be forthcoming, and I still haven't gone home with anyone. I'm attractive and tall, and I dress well, but I also have what others have described as "aspergers-like" qualities - abrupt movement, hyper-logical speech, bluntness. It's my longest period without sex in my adult life and it's beginning to consume me in a very strong way. I have to take Klonopin just to stem the anxiety from going this long without sex.

There are two things going on: I'm looking for women that I'd like to date long term, and I'm looking for people to just hook up with to break the spell of celibacy, which has begun to dominate every moment of my waking life. Neither seem to be forthcoming. In a city where casual sex is so predominant, I'm trying to figure out what monstrosity of personality prevents me from ever having it.

Caveat 1: I refuse to invite people to my place, 1) because it's way too far off the beaten track and 2) because my roommate is awful. In other words, for anything to happen, the other person would have to invite me over.

Caveat 2: I don't want to lower my standards. The people I was dating and flirting with in NC were interesting, fun, cool, beautiful people. I don't feel like I should have to sacrifice that in NY.

Experiencing sexual dysfunction and other symptoms, post-divorce

Anonymous — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 11:57:34 -0800

Went through extreme anxiety and upheaval 2 years ago and have experienced sexual dysfunction and prostatitis-like symptoms ever since. How can I approach this? Short version:
2 years ago, my wife and I split and I began to experience sexual dysfunction followed by severe depression, and numbness in other places like my jaw and teeth. I have seen doctors and am closer to understanding the problem, but I would still like to hear insight from others on how to get better.

Long Version:
I’m a male, in my late 30s. Back when I was a teenager I luckily did not have a problem finding girlfriends and I did have sex, with mixed results. But getting an erection was a huge source of anxiety. I would be extremely excited right up until the moment, then suddenly I’d become very self-aware, fear would set in and I’d start thinking of sex like a basic biological function. Not only could I not get an erection, it was like my penis was trying to escape into itself. It felt weak.

I met my future wife in 2004 and never had that problem. She was extremely sweet and accommodating, outwardly, but within months I also realized she was very depressed and self-loathing which manifested in various ways. Regardless, she was very loving and loyal, but it was a rollercoaster always. After a couple years, my perception of her began to subconsciously affect my desire for her. I realized I wasn’t as physically attracted to her as I should have been. We stopped being intimate much. Yet we got married anyway.

Soon thereafter, I got a job in a large intense city. After 3 months there, her mother died suddenly. She shut down emotionally. We quickly became more like roommates than anything resembling lovers. During this time, I was surprised to find myself very, very attracted to women around me, women I would have never considered remotely attractive before. Suddenly, I wanted all of them. It was like meat dangled in front of a hungry dog. I felt like I had an erection all day long. My heart raced. I masturbated constantly. My thought was, "if we break up, I will be sad, but at least I can console myself in dating and sex for awhile." The thoughts consumed me.

Underneath all that desire, horrible guilt. My sweet wife was grieving and my mind was elsewhere. I never acted on the feelings, but I knew they were troublesome. I was getting crushes. So we talked about spending time apart. I was working 10-12 hour work days and I could feel my mind coming unraveled. I started wondering who I was, who she was. But I wanted sex, badly. My libido was through the roof.

Literally a week before I planned to talk to my wife about separating, I woke up without a morning erection for the first time in nearly a decade. Not just that, I took a shower and realized I couldn’t masturbate, another first. I felt physically and mentally exhausted. I felt numb. This worried me, but I assumed it would pass.

My wife and I agreed mutually to separate. But within weeks of her moving out, I had a horrible realization. I'd just lost the most wonderful wife I could have. I didn’t want to be single. I wanted to fix us. All I could focus on was how loving and decent she was, and how I'd never been able to reciprocate. Suddenly It was like I'd forgotten about every single negative trait her in her and could only see the good. I began to spiral, badly.

Meanwhile, I was having other symptoms. My libido disappeared completely. Sexual thoughts were replaced by racing fear. My penis felt numb, shriveled, cold. Occasionally I felt a light ache in my prostate. I could feel pressure when I urinated like my urethra was too tight. Other times it felt like my prostate and groin had “butterflies” like you get on a nervous stomach. Or it felt very “tight.” All of this frightened me, even though I saw a GP and urologist who both said I was just experiencing serious anxiety. Test showed everything normal. Prostatitis was discussed, but it’s such a vague diagnosis, there was no way to know. It felt like I’d blown a gasket somehow.

So all this build-up, this intense desire to have sex with women, to be single... at the crucial moment, my body collapses. I not only become physically numb, I get mentally numb.

I began having dire thoughts. I thought something medical and permanent was wrong with me. This was temporarily alleviated when my wife spent the night one night and we had sex. It was the first time I felt real desire in months. But it was obvious she didn’t want to work things out and the feeling passed.

For a year, I was horribly depressed. I worked half-days, sometimes not leaving the house or bed. The “exhaustion” I’d felt a year earlier had never left me, even though my life was now simpler, on the surface. I was getting divorced and life would move on, presumably. But it didn’t, and my feelings got more dire. I began feeling a new numbness, in my teeth, which made me want to grind them. This especially surfaced when I tried to masturbate.

Just as I thought I’d really reached a dark place last summer, I went to a local psychologist who used hypnotherapy. During hypnosis, I felt something very strong as he convinced me to leave behind those “weighted” feelings about my wife. Hours after leaving his office, I felt physically different. Lighter and happier. After 18 months of my prostate feeling uncomfortable and penis feeling tight, those feelings were gone within 24hrs. I was able to masturbate that very night.

I felt legitimately better for about a month after hypnosis. I was just happy to no longer be in discomfort so I thought I was “fixed.” But then, my wife asked for a final divorce which sent me spiraling again. I took me most of Fall 2012 to work through that. On a positive note, certain symptoms (prostate pressure, tingle, tightness) have still never returned.

The problem I have been having since March is that suddenly a handful of women want to date me. And when we’ve spent time together, they’ve been very sexually forward. And that has made me realize my libido is not “fixed.” It’s as though sex has lost all appeal. I am happy to no longer have the strains and sensations in the prostate, but the problem is still a lack of desire. During the days, I don’t get spontaneous erections and when sexual thoughts/images appear in my head, they disappear. Sometimes my penis feels like a strange appendage. It feels “weak” and empty of blood or circulation. If I look at porn, I can mostly maintain an erection, but it’s purely physical, not from any kind of real desire. Despite improvements, I am on some level still numb. I should be ecstatic multiple women would want to have sex.

No doctor or talk-therapist besides the hypnotist has really been of help. SSRIs and their own side effects are out of the question for now. When I find other people online with similar symptoms, I invariably adopt whatever symptoms they’re describing (cold penis, etc), merely by the power of suggestion. So I’m trying to avoid any online scaremongering. But it’s like I can’t stop scrutinizing the situation, wanting it to get better, which just causes me to obsess and “will” the symptoms to creep in. 2 years on and I can’t get rid of that “exhausted” feeling either.

What’s a drag is that I feel resolution about my divorce and my life is mostly back to normal. Except the libido part. On the surface I don’t feel stressed, about anything other than that issue. My fear is never getting out of this loop, never getting remarried, never finding a woman who understands any of this. I just don’t understand how to convince my subconscious that it’s okay now to desire women. The notion of sex has become simultaneously boring and very threatening.

Long story short, I badly want to have a sex life again. I have visited the psychologist/hypnotist again recently, but it didn’t have the same effect, I was too stressed. But if it did work for me strongly last summer, are there any other practices that would work? Biofeedback? Acupuncture?

I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced anything similar. Again sorry for the length and oversharing. I’m feeling very lost right now.

Sit. Stay. Heel. Come.

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 19:57:05 -0800

A NSFW question about achieving a particular female orgasm... I'm a heterosexual woman in my mid 20s. I've been masturbating since I was 12 and been sexually active with men and the occasional woman since I was 16. I consider myself fairly experienced and familiar with my body, and I enjoy a healthy happy sex life with my current SO, who makes me come frequently through oral sex and manual stimulation. I also sometimes masturbate to orgasm in front of him and am totally comfortable with that. I am capable of achieving orgasm with or without a vibrator.

With all that said, it's been my fantasy for a long time to have an orgasm during intercourse. I've always masturbated with direct or indirect clitoral stimulation and that is the easiest way for me to orgasm. To be very clear, I don't care if I orgasm from vaginal or clitoral stimulation -- I just want to have an orgasm while having intercourse with my partner.

Plenty of men have been totally open to stimulating my clit manually or with a vibrator during intercourse, or asking me to do it myself, but I find that it's really hard to "focus" on clitoral stimulation while I'm also having vaginal intercourse. It also seems that I need constant pressure and stimulation to orgasm, so something like a vibrating cock ring would be fun and pleasurable but I would need my partner to stay still fully inside me in order to actually orgasm from it. Another thing I have tried is taking a relatively long break (a few weeks) from orgasming (through partner sex, masturbation, anything, etc) before having intercourse -- still nada. Finally, yet another technique that hasn't delivered is getting right "to the edge" of orgasm and then starting to have intercourse: I either fall over the edge and come before being penetrated, or lose it completely and don't come at all. (As a sidebar, typing all of this stuff out really gives me sympathy for men who seem to be under wayyy more societal pressure to control and time their orgasms and arousal).

By coincidence my trusty Gigi vibrator just broke (a purchase last year with the intention of training myself to have G-spot orgasms... never came even close, so it's always been used externally) so I have two questions:

1) In general, have you ever been a woman like me OR had a partner like me who DID find a way to orgasm during intercourse? How did you do it? What advice can you give me that is more specific than "just focus on how you're feeling and the orgasm will happen"? I'm a highly sexual person who's had unfettered internet access since puberty, so please assume that I have read all such cliché platitudes about how to have an orgasm (especially the ones that claim that the stress of wanting to have an orgasm will prevent me from having one; spare me).

2) More specifically, is there a particular vibrator or sex toy that you think would help me achieve my goal? The Gigi needs to be replaced and if I'm going to throw down another $100 on a sex toy I'd like it to be one that will specifically get me where I'm trying to go, so to speak.

Here's a throwaway email address: ssahfoewteyr@gmail.com

Let's get it on...

allkindsoftime — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 01:21:51 -0800

Need to find songs about sex for a funny mix-album as part of my brother's wedding present. My brother and I were on safari once and watching lions mate, he thought it was hysterical to dial up Marvin Gaye on the ipod and blare tunes like Sexual Healing and Let's Get It On. My wife then thought it would be funny to make him and the wife-to-be an album of similar stuff. So we're looking for popular / hit titles that are explicitly about sex but maybe with a funny slant to them as well. We're also trying to think similar to a "period mix" (like this one) - songs maybe not exactly about sex but where the name of the song is ironically fitting. Not: great songs to have sex to, more: funny songs to think about having sex to.

Thanks!

Sex is Natural, Sex is... Fun (Right?)

Anonymous — Sat, 01 Jun 2013 20:26:03 -0800

My very sweet, kind, funny, smart, caring, new, younger boyfriend is... how to put this... terrible in bed. Over several months, we've had about a half dozen "encounters" (we live in different cities), and they have left me feeling bewildered, drained, confused, and overwhelmed. It's not that there's one thing that isn't working, and it's not "technique"-- it's like the entire foundation is out of alignment. Either we're just super incompatible, or one of us is doing something wrong. I'd really like to figure out how to approach this, and I don't know how to even begin this conversation. (Deep breath)

Here's the issue, as best as I can describe it. I'm recognizing that it's totally possible that I'm doing something to contribute to this, so I'm not trying to say "He bad, I good." I have had fulfilling sexual partnerships in the past, where none of these things were an issue. Mr. Anon really is a lovely, kind, giving person, so as far as I can tell, this issues do not stem from selfishness on his part.

A sampling:

*He doesn't respond to verbal or nonverbal cues-- like I'll say "that's great" and he'll start going faster, or I'll say, "Can we slow down?" and he'll slow down for a sec and then speed up again. If I encourage him to continue with what he's doing, he'll change it.

*I think of sex as sort of a conversation-- you're listening and responding to what the other person is expressing. With Mr. Anon, when we're "doing the deed," he seems tone-deaf to what I'm doing-- I'll try to get "in sync" so we're moving our bodies together, and he begins "jackhammering" out of left field, or moving in an un-synced way.

*He always wants to use tons of lube, saying it feels better. I've never wanted to needed to use it in the past. I don't love it, but whatever. I can deal.

*I really prefer soft, gentle touches, and though I've expressed this, he seems to revert to more grabby-type touching.

*He wants to try all these different positions, but the fundamental issue remains. I feel like, hey, let's get the parts of speech down before we start translating Balzac.

Is this a case of what Cindy Gallop- describes-- sex-ed-through-porn? Is it something else? I don't know how previous partners have dealt with this!

Possibly relevant details:

*I'm 32; he's 26. He's had several sexual partners, but no long-term relationship experience. I've had a few satisfying, healthy long-term relationships.

*He's not very comfortable talking about sex. I've tentatively tried a few times, and it hasn't gone well. He has expressed to me that it seems like I'm more focused on my own pleasure (which, in this case, may indeed be the case), and even that was very uncomfortable and difficult for him to bring up. I've asked him to tell me what he likes, what turns him on, and I haven't gotten much out of him.

*I really don't care how "experienced" or "suave" someone is AT ALL-- I'm not looking for some super advanced techniques. I just want to feel like we're syncing up with each other. And now, I feel this disconnection between myself and the person I'm having sexy times with. I feel fundamentally like he's not responding to me, but instead doing his own one-man show.

*I literally do not know how to talk about this. I want us to solve this, and I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel insecure. I also don't really know what to say. I've never had to have an explicit conversation like this before. What I *want* to say is, we need to completely start from scratch and maybe not even have PIV sex until we "get" each other. But then how do we even start that process of "getting" each other?

Internet, I turn to you. Have you handled this yourself, with success? What worked and what didn't? What might work? What should I definitely *not* do? How do I express my feelings without upsetting him deeply? Is this even a solvable problem?

Sex with a bag

shock muppet — Wed, 29 May 2013 09:41:57 -0800

My sex life is in the toilet ever since my husband had his ileostomy. Please help. My husband has ulcerative colitis and he had his colon removed in October. He has an ileostomy now.

Our sex life was understandably bad for several months due to his ill health - he was down to 105 lb (I am over 200) and going to the can 20 times a day before surgery. He looked like a skeleton and felt like death, I was afraid of crushing him. Then he was in hospital for 2.5 weeks, then at home following the major surgery.

However his recovery has been excellent but our sex life has not improved. He is very active now, has gained weight and is now only 10 lb under his typical weight at 140, and he is living a full life (including downhill skiing). I have issues with the bag. With ileostomy he cannot remove the bag for sex. He covers it up with a belly band but is still very sensitive about it. In certain positions I feel the bag against me and I'm squishing it and it's just weird. When he tries to initiate by walking up behind me in a chair, my head is at bag height so if I lean back into him he has a bag there.

Before he got sick, we used to have sex weekly in the weekend morning time. I would like to return to this frequency. However this is not the active time for his bag so he likes to change it then, so that time is out. It is awkward to find another time. He is tired in evenings after work and we have a 6 year old kid so it's hard to sneak around on weekend afternoons.

Also I have issues with bipolar 2 disorder, I am being treated for depressive episode now as the surgery incident was very difficult. My sex drive and interest was not the greatest before he was not sick, I didn't always enjoy sex as he has a tendency to attend to his own pleasure before mine and my mind would wander due to the mental overloads of being a full-time worker and mom. I was starting to work with him on this and then our sex life got disrupted.

I thought I could just live with it and fix the sex life later as he is a candidate for J-Pouch surgery to have the bag removed. However as his date for J-Pouch surgery grows closer he is having second thoughts and is investigating having a permanent ileostomy. I have no control over his body and his choice, but it affects me. I selfishly would like for him to put his outside body back to normal so we can have our sex life back (and go to nude beach, etc). He feels the risks of the J-Pouch and the frequency of having to go to the can would be inconsistent with the other things he wants to do in his life (work, ski). This is reasonable so if he wants the permanent ileostomy, he should get it. He goes back and forth though. He needs to decide soon as he is bleeding from the rectum and needs to have surgery to get it removed.

But if he has the permanent ileostomy. I intellectually support this. I am having a very hard time adjusting to the change in his body and I don't know how to approach it. I don't have friends that I feel comfortable discussing my sex life in detail with. Also I have tried one therapist and she was not able to help me work through it. I have limited therapy dollars so I would rather investigate CBT (I am looking at mindfulness CBT) to manage depression symptoms and prevent relapse. There is this notion of radical acceptance - do I look into that? I don't know what to think or where to turn.

I am looking for guidance as to how to accept my husband's new body and find the motivation to find sex pleasurable for us again. Right now he doesn't want to initiate and I traditionally never initiated and I am squicked out by the bag so I don't either. We are at a log jam and we don't know how to break the gap. Ideas on how to improve the situation are welcome.

keeping an erection...

ecollie — Tue, 28 May 2013 12:45:13 -0800

I need the hive wisdom on this. My GF and I have stupendous, earth-shattering sex. I'm 58, she's 59. Really. We're both very open, intuitive, and energetic. I take @ 10mg of Levitra (generic) an hour before hand, and it works well. When we start out, we often partake in a modest amount of cannabis, and then I focus on her. I usually have a solid erection before we start, but once I start my ministrations, it lessens, and by the time she is ready for "it", it's usually deflated. Once she or I shift our attention to me, it'll come back to full erection, and everything's groovy. In an hour, I'll sometimes have two orgasms- almost always one. She'll have dozens of them, or more.

I've come to believe the reason for my penile "checking out" is that I'm so focused on her, it's natural it retreats. But that seems rather counter-intuitive, since I love her madly, and it thrills me to thrill her, so I should be getting MORE excited.

Does the MeFi collective think I'm right? I welcome any questions or comments, of course.

The five sense of sex

Anonymous — Tue, 21 May 2013 17:57:23 -0800

Looking to spice things up in the bedroom through a five senses game. A card with each sense for him/her on it is mixed and then we have an enticing way to deal with that sense. Any suggestions? Looking to make things a little more fun in the bedroom as we've been together for a long time.

Any suggestions as to the best way to arouse all the senses. Watching porn may cover some of seeing; reading some erotica or dirty talking could cover hearing; feeling is the easy one; taste might involve food; and smell would involve oil.

But let's get creative. While we have the broad categories here, what are the details people can think of?

Who originally thought of this dating-related experiment?

renovatio1 — Mon, 20 May 2013 22:26:04 -0800

Write the numbers 1 to 20 on a set of cards, one per card but two cards of each number, put them on the foreheads of a group of twenty men and twenty women, and give them a couple minutes to try to pair up with the person of the opposite sex with the highest-ranked card: they will always end up with someone close to their own rank. Who originally thought of this? I'm interested in details about the origin of this and any similar or related experiments and I couldn't find anything after a couple search attempts. I originally read it under the "Cut the Bull: What is "Dating"?" section on this page:

http://www.livereal.com/relationship_arena/modern_dating_scene_main.htm

Note: I realize that the experiment as described here is a bit flawed since you could quickly figure out your number by elimination. Though that's closer still to reality when it comes to actual dating, for the purposes of the experiment you could easily fix this by using larger groups and slightly random numbers, e.g. 1-50 but where each number is sometimes off by one.

Male sex toys

MuppetNavy — Sat, 11 May 2013 20:04:40 -0800

I'm curious about varying up my solo sex life as a male, probably with toys. The details re: me:

I'm a 24 year old male, straight, with an average sex drive dulled by Effector but still functional enough I can enjoy sex with my girlfriend.

I've been curious about if I can find anything to better enjoy sex when I'm alone. I've played with cock rings. I'm hoping to find a sex toy to vary my masturbation. I've browsed around Babeland and smitten kitten, and nothing really jumped out at me.

I'm hoping to find something discreet and low maintenance. I don't live alone, so something that would require cleaning beyond a rinse in my bathroom sink is out.

I've tried prostate play, but I think I've been doing it wrong as I never got much out of it.

I'm asking via sock puppet, so I can come back if I get any questions.

Are most guys' minds creepy (or sex sex sex? :/)

MiuMiu — Fri, 10 May 2013 19:11:05 -0800

Incident report of a young woman and much older upper-middle class man. I'm not very good at explaining myself especially in a looong post (sorry it's so long!!!), plus English is not my first language... but I will try my best, thanks! :)

I am a female in my 20's.
I met this guy in his 50's when I was kinda lost in a park.
He was very nice giving me directions etc, so we met up another day to have dinner.
I was new to the area, so I just wanted to make a new friend. Nothing more, really.
We were going to go get pizza, but the restaurant was closed, so he drove me to his house to make pizza. I was very worried about going to his house alone, but I was too chickened out to speak up.
He drank wine and couldn't drive me back, so I slept on his couch fearing the worst case scenario.
Turns out he didn't do anything, so I was very relieved and thought "Ok, he really wants to be just "friends," phew."
So we hung out like this a few more times over the course of next few months - eating (out / in), chatting, me sleeping over - nothing inappropriate ever happened. He even invited me to his friend's party, which was nice but I was unable to attend. It was actually fun talking with him, as I naturally find it interesting to hear the perspectives of older generations on all kinds of topics. He also sometimes called me "Kid" and offered me advice on life-problems, which I appreciated because I had kinda missed having a father-like figure after becoming distant with my dad.

Recently, I had a problem with my apartment and wanted to get a way for a few days, so I stayed over at his house for several days.
This time he was touching me at least once every hour, for example, when I passed by him in the kitchen. At first it was just my arms or shoulders, which I found a little annoying but didn't say anything.
It escalated to my torso, thighs and butt, though lightly. At this point I say "What are you doing?! Stop!"
Then he would jokingly say things like "But you have a nice butt!"
I was annoyed but kept hoping there would be no more next time.
The reason I didn't leave at this point was because I thought he was joking around and never seriously saw me as a "woman." I mean, I am his daughters' age!
He also started asking me to massage him with his massage device.
I was like "Why don't you do it yourself?"
He said something like "Because I can concentrate on the relaxation when someone else does it."
I thought "Fair enough" and did it unwillingly because I was staying at his house and considered this task like cleaning the dishes. I thought he didn't have any sexual intentions.
The next day or so, the same request - but this time, he took off his clothes and I was like, "What are you wearing???!!!," thinking he was in his underwear.
He said "My swimsuit!"
I thought "Ok, still kinda gross, but that's probably better than underwear." and I didn't want to be rude, so I just did the massage.
Then, he asks me to "hand-massage" him because my hands are always warm.
I was reluctant but did it because I still didn't think there was sexual thinking involved.
As I was massaging him, he touched my butt, which really annoyed me because I had told him multiple times not to touch it.
So the next day, when he asked me to hand-massage him, I said I didn't want to do it and would only do the device-massage. He got mad and told me to get out of his room.

The next morning conversation goes like this:
Him "I'm sorry I yelled at you although I was pretty much joking."
Me "It's ok because I'll leave."
Him: (a little stunned) saying "Ok." then goes away for a few minutes.
...
Him: "Yea maybe we need to take a break. I might have some things to figure out."
Me: "What things?"
Him: "Well, I guess I have enjoyed having you over because of your female companionship. But you keep telling me you are uncomfortable and sad when I touch you... I'm very particular about women (I don't know what he meant by that)... and it's just natural for me to touch you. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. I haven't touched women for so long after my wife passed away, and I had forgotten how good it feels to touch women. But since you are uncomfortable, I feel like maybe I'm just fooling myself. If there is nothing between us, and since your goals and plans don't involve me, I should maybe let you bloom with those and I should pay more attention to the things I should be paying attention to."
Me: (totally creeped out and frozen) "But the other day you said you weren't attracted to me."
Him "Well I guess I lied!" (kinda embarrassed looking, not malicious)

Then I started crying because I was overwhelmed with disgust that a man old enough to be my dad was looking at me like that the whole time and the fact that I had so long stupidly kept thinking otherwise.

Me: "So would you not have been my friend if I was a guy?!"
Him "It's difficult to answer, but I don't view women as objects."

Him: "I was mad at you last night because you wouldn't hand-massage me. I thought it was rude."
Me: "The whole massage thing was getting weirder."
Him: "But you had done the hand-massage the day before!"
Me: "I never wanted to do it in the first place!"

I don't remember how exactly this came to an end, but he said, "Well, we talked about a lot of personal stuff today. Can I ask you to never repeat to anyone what I said?"

Later, everything he said before automatically got connected as "creepy dots" in my head, although too late:
..."How was your sex life with your ex-boyfriends? You shouldn't be embarrassed. My friends talk about it openly, which is normal!"
...While driving, "Look at that woman dressed like that - they dress so provocatively but would soon call the cops when guys hit on them."
..."You should wear a dress when you go negotiate with men."
..."Do you want to go on a cruise with me? It'll be really cheap to add you because I already have it booked."
..."You want to go hang out with your boyfriend this weekend? I'd tell him "Stay away from my girl," haha!"
..."Your breasts were probably oversized when you were younger."
..."You never menstruated on your bed?" (after me asking him why he had small blood stains on his bed - probably from nosebleed or something)
...Watching TV: "I think the actress is aroused because her nipples sure look erect."
..."You are asexual."-when I refuse to answer his sex-related questions.
...One day he came to sit next to me and massaged my back. I had to get his hand out when it started going under my shirt, but I didn't think much of it because I was busy talking to him about a problem and listening to his advice.

I do take responsibility for letting all those happen and feel very stupid about staying over at his house.

Before this, over the years I had creepy encounters with other men, and I never had very good relationships with my few ex's, and I feel like I'm going to keep running into more creepiness with men. Is it just me or does this happen a lot? Are most guys' psyche really revolved around sex? I feel more and more reluctant to date...
Thanks lots for reading this ridiculously long post. Whatever kind of comments would be appreciated :)

This shouldn't be so hard

Anonymous — Thu, 09 May 2013 19:34:54 -0800

How can I (lady) have enjoyable sex? I don't know how to have good sex. I'm a woman who has sex with men, and have been sexually active for almost two years. I started pretty late-ish in life, so most of my partners have been more experiences than me. My first sexual experiences were once or twice each with three different people, which were all pretty exciting/arousing because Sex! but after that, I started to have sex regularly with the same person and realized that I wasn't having a lot of fun. I have never orgasmed with another person, and after a while sex started to feel like a chore even though all partners have been, at least nominally, committed to trying whatever I want and communicative and open. Problem is, I don't know what I want.

I can get myself off fine, but only in the one way that I've been using since the onset of puberty (online, fairly hardcore erotica+manual stimulation+ten minutes=one orgasm and done,). Penetration is fun enough, I guess, but I've never orgasmed from that alone (which I understand is not unusual). I've never really gotten off from anything else (not for lack of trying), but I do have an idea of specific things that I find turn ons, although in partner sexual play they start to feel a lot less like turn ons (plus my imagination is pretty weak in general, which affects certain types of play). I couldn't even get off the one time I tried mutual (over Skype) masturbation even while doing all the other things that always work for me. I was almost there, I just couldn't. I didn't think I felt self-conscious, and really trusted that guy, but still.

At this point, I just feel awkward about everything. If a guy is going down on me, I get almost no sexual pleasure from it, and have yet to figure out a good script to ask him to stop after a little bit (it's something my previous long-term partner was mostly unwilling to do, so I keep wanting to do it thinking it'll be a magic bullet, but it's really not). I've come close to orgasming from only a few things: penetration in a very specific way from my past partner (that was significantly better endowed than my current partner), and fingering, but only back in that sex is exciting and everything makes my heart beat fast and is a turn on! stage that has kind of disappeared now, even with a new partner that I'm otherwise crazy about. Being on top is a big source of self-consciousness and feeling like I'm doing things wrong, so even though it's supposed to be a good go-to, it's probably my least favorite thing to do (and his favorite, so we still do sometimes, but I don't have a ton of fun).

Sex feels like a chore now and I hate that because I know it shouldn't be. I basically do it for the post-sex snuggles and pillow talk. I feel like there are things that I should explore or try, and I feel guilty because the problem does not lie in partners who have no interest in helping me out. My current partner is giving but new (so I'm not really willing to try or ask for anything especially experimental/kinky/whatever for a little while, though I may get there), and my second really regular sexual partner. I don't have some need or feel pressure to orgasm (although that would be amazing), I would just like it to be as fun as it was in the beginning or find ways in general to make it more fun for myself. Any help from the mefi crowd? Specific recommendations welcome.

Soooooooore cervix.

stoneandstar — Wed, 08 May 2013 20:33:39 -0800

Sex-filter: What the hell did we do to my vagina/uterus/entire abdominal cavity? My boyfriend and I were having sex the other night with some pretty deep thrusting, which led to some tenderness and soreness reminiscent of period cramps the next day. Because he usually kind of bonks my cervix a little (which feels good during sex!), I assumed it was a sore cervix, and didn't think much of it-- so we had more sex. Today I feel like my uterus is going to fall out-- it's just a kind of deep "burning" soreness, not much different from period cramps but different in that it's basically a constant pain instead of an ebb and flow of cramping. Owwww, it hurts.

So obviously, no sex for awhile. But is there a chance I've done something really fucking terrible to my cervix/vagina/uterus? I googled it (bad idea) and read a Straight Dope article about the phenomenon of vesicovaginal fistula in child brides + adult partners in Nigeria, and since I've had urethral surgery in the past, I'm pretty squeamish about the possibility of a fistula. It just... really hurts!

Idk, because I'm used to some occasional soreness I'm torn between thinking this is serious and not? I'm at a lapse in my medical insurance coverage right now so I don't want to make an unnecessary doctor's visit, but I also want to take this seriously if something could be seriously wrong.

(I've felt a little sick to my stomach, dizzy, lightheaded, but that could be a result of medical-related anxiety. I do feel a bit weak, though.)

Basically if this is super common I'm going to get some rest and not worry about it, but if it could be a sign of something more severe, I'll get it checked out. Thanks!

Saying no?

anonymoosemoosemoose — Mon, 06 May 2013 15:31:22 -0800

After seeing this comment, I would like to ask: How do you say "no" to someone you do kinda want to have sex with?

Could a medication be passed via sex?

sockypuppeteer — Mon, 06 May 2013 13:44:39 -0800

If I have a sulfa allergy and my bf is taking a sulfa antibiotic, could having sex with him have caused these super weird rashes I've gotten? This feels like a super stupid question of the type you'd see on yahoo answers, but I'm too curious to stop myself. My bf has been taking a sulfa antibiotic for the past week (don't remember which one), which is something I'm allergic to. We had sex a few times this weekend (no condom) and starting the day after the first time we had sex after antibiotics I've gotten these weird patches of hives in the crooks of my elbows and my stomach and legs and neck... not bad, just small itchy patches on sensitive bits of skin.

My reaction to eating sulfites has always been asthma, but I don't know if my reaction to sulfa meds was asthma or a rash (the only time I've been given them I was very young).

I'm not concerned, just curious. Can medications be passed during unprotected sex in large enough quantities to cause a reaction? Googling only turns up semen allergies.

How many simple rules for dating my teenage daughter?

SomeTrickPony — Sun, 05 May 2013 06:14:48 -0800

My 15-yo daughter has been dating a guy for about a year, has recently become sexually active with him, and we're moving toward getting her on hormonal birth control. The fact that she even came to me to talk about this is a minor miracle. How can I encourage a sex-positive attitude? What boundaries and limits, if any, should I establish? My daughter is a HS sophomore. Parenting her has been challenging and a little non-standard because of her mental health issues--mood dysregulation and social anxiety primarily. She has always been super squicky about sex and so having a proper "sex talk" until now has been difficult--she would typically shut down the conversation with shouting or literal fingers-in-the-ears "lalala I can't hear you" behavior. She's even uncomfortable hearing the words bra or panty hose, for cripes sake.

So, there's this boy. She's been friends/special friends/boyfriend-girlfriend with him for a little over a year now. Parent's intuition told me that they were more than just friends, but she hasn't been comfortable talking with me about him as more than just a friend until recently. She finally opened up a couple nights ago about the true nature of their relationship, in a conversation that opened with "what would you think if I told you I had a boyfriend?" while she was balled up on the couch in the fetal position, clearly terrified that I would disapprove of her even dating, even though she should know that I am Not That Kind of Mom. We talked about dating and relationships, what I thought about her boyfriend, etc. etc.

After a long while we hit the nitty gritty, about sex and pregnancy and diseases and birth control. Although she was still super uncomfortable, she fought her natural urges to shut down the convo and we were able to talk through different options, pros and cons, and how any sort of hormonal birth control is going to require a doctor's visit and a prescription and the doctor will want to do a pelvic exam and what that involves, and how if she considers herself mature enough to have sex she needs to be mature enough to get through that. I was really proud of how she handled her end of the conversation, and it felt like a huge breakthrough in being able to discuss the topic.

Ok, so, I think we're making good progress on that front. I'm happy she's in a relationship (I've always said I was more worried about protecting the boys from her than protecting her from the boys), and I'm happy that she seems more relaxed on the subject of sex around her peers than she is when confronting it in the context of adults.

What I'm not so sure about is the "then what?" What rules, limitations, guidelines, or admonitions are within the realm of appropriate in this day and age and that align with my values? (Those values, in a nutshell, are that "saving yourself for marriage" is not advisable, that sex should be fun, that sex shouldn't be something that men "want/take" and women "accept/give", anti-slut-shaming, pro non-heteronormative, protect yourself from disease, and you gotta be prepared to deal with the consequences). How do these things work out on the ground after "the talk" and after the decision is made to allow your teen daughter to be on BC? (I'm thinking about things like rules about boys in the bedroom, that kind of stuff...) What do I do about this tiny voice that is screaming "but she's TOO YOUNG!!" Is that the just the same voice that will be screaming "but she's TOO YOUNG!!" in the extremely near future when she starts learning to drive?

Do you have any resources for parent you recommend? I've been searching The Green and haven't found much on this particular topic; please point me toward any previouslies you think might be helpful.

(If it's relevant in terms of what will other parents might expect, we live in a liberal-leaning major metro area)

How do I get over my oral sex hang-ups? (NSFW)

Anonymous — Wed, 01 May 2013 20:41:55 -0800

I am a female who would love to love giving head. However, a couple of key things keep this from happening. My major problems seem to be:

1. I have an intense gag reflex - so much so that I have difficulty swallowing things like pills. When I'm giving head, I constantly feel myself gagging on pre-cum.

2. Because of my over-active gag reflex, I panic when his penis comes anywhere near the back of my throat.

3. I don't like the taste of semen - just thinking about it makes me a little queasy.

4. When he comes, I'm never quite sure how to handle it. If we're in bed, it's easier because I can direct his cum toward my breasts, etc. If we're not in bed, it's hard not to end up with a big mess since I'm not swallowing.

4. I actually enjoy the act of fellatio, so I'm not interested in taking oral off the the table completely. This issue is making me feel "bad at sexy stuff" when I actually want to be a fun, exciting, sex goddess of a partner.

If you've experienced these issues, what has worked for you? How do you create a mutually pleasurable experience without constantly feeling miserable?

Throwaway email: readysetgowiththeflow@gmail.com

Thank you!