Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with sex

How do you/did you plan, compromise, or agree on standards for your sex life?

Anonymous — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:32:05 -0800

How do you/did you plan, compromise, or agree on standards for your sex life? I'm 23, female, and about to get married to someone with a much higher sex drive than mine (I attribute this to his having very few sexual relationships prior to me, while I have been much more active). At first, we had the usual new-relationship-constant-sex thing that most people do, which lasted a few months, and now two and a half years later he's still expecting to have sex daily (or multiple times daily). It's not that I'm less attracted to him, but I have certainly gotten busier and less sexual - for me, 2-3 times a week would be sufficient, if not too often.

We have attempted to address this several times and come to a stalemate where compromises are concerned. He just doesn't get why I was able to have sex so often before, but can't now. Also, he seems to think that when I don't feel like having intercourse, it isn't too much to ask for me to help him manually. I disagree - while I'm not opposed to this sometimes, there are days where I just don't have the capacity for sex in any form.

So what I'm asking is, how does one work out something like this? I assume most married couples have discussed this and come to some sort of conclusion, but how, and what is it? Is it wise or normal to say "We'll do it x times a week, and if one of us does not want to, then y or z."? Is there another solution we're not seeing? What kinds of compromises or agreements do you have or know about?

I know that there are other threads like this one and this one which include suggestions on a happy married life - I need suggestions of this kind in regard to a happy married sex life.

Birds do it, Bees do it...

amyms — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 01:24:16 -0800

Is (or was, since it sounds quaint now) the phrase "the birds and the bees" mostly an American thing or is it also used in other english-speaking countries as a euphemism in reference to sex education. What other euphemisms or idioms are used around the world within the context of sex education (not formal sex education in a classroom setting, more along the lines of "The Talk" parents have with their kids). I'm interested in phrases used in other languages too.

Prob NSFW: What are the most tactful/smooth ways to ask if a new casual sex partner has an STD?

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 20:02:07 -0800

Proabably NSFW: What are the most tactful/smooth ways to ask if a new casual sex partner has an STD? The girlfriend who I adore just broke up with me a few weeks ago. I imagine it will be awhile before I feel that strongly about anyone else. In the meantime, I'll be chasing flings and one night stands.

I am STD-free and I want to stay that way but still have some casual sex. How does one tactfully ask if a girl is STD-free? Regardless of how the new fling responds to this question, condom use will be mandatory (I think it's my right to know if I am putting myself at risk with a new partner). Fwiw, I am a 31 year old guy in a good city for singles. I plan on picking up girls at bars out late on weekend nights (Not my favorite way to get sex but it certainly seems like the easiest/fastest and you know what you are getting in terms of physical attractiveness (as opposed to craigslist)).

-How do you phrase this question without sounding clinical? Previous attempts back in the day were minor buzzkills.
-How do you phrase this question so it doesn't sound like you are assuming she might have an STD? My impression is that this is not a common pre-hookup question (I want to get laid, not sound like a judgmental shithead)
-When is the best time to pose this question? In the bedroom right before things are about to happen? Earlier? Later?
-Is asking if a new partner is clean a pointless question? What I mean is "should one put any stock in the answer a new casual partner says?" After several drinks at a pickup bar I would assume many people would say just about anything.
-barely off topic: Are blowjobs with condoms a practice that actually happens? A blowjob through a condom doesn't sound that enjoyable for me or her. Should one just scratch oral sex off the list for safety's sake?

Can you hear me now, you horny bastard?

Anonymous — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 18:27:05 -0800

Good examples of heterosexual audio erotica or porn, please? Doesn't matter if it's real or faked, just as long as it's good and hot. Scorching hot. Tear the clothes off your significant other, RIGHT NOW GODDAMIT, hawt.

Audio books, podcasts, CDs, whatever, we're open to various mediums. Even if there's a particular movie that sounds hot, that'll work also, just as long as it doesn't have to be watched, merely listened to.

How do I make actors comfortable during sex scenes?

Anonymous — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 23:31:03 -0800

How do I make actors comfortable during sex scenes? I'm about to start directing an adult TV series that features nudity and simulated sex. I've never dealt with this as an actor or a director before.

I know the basic ideas of closing the set and having robes handy, but I really want to make sure I cover all the bases and be as obliging and high-class as possible. Most of the nude scenes involve series regulars and I don't want to scare any of the performers away.

Does anyone have any experiences from the set? Any do's or don'ts?

Lessons from pornography will of course be welcomed, but let me reiterate that this is NOT porn. I'm not filming actual sex acts.

Has the Internet changed how you have sex?

HotPatatta — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 22:20:09 -0800

How has sex changed for you since the Internet made porn so easily accessible? I grew up in the age of easy-to-obtain Internet porn, so I never got to experience what sex was like back in the pre-Internet days. For those of you who have been around longer, have you noticed a change in your or your partners' sexual behavior over the past ~10-15 years? An increased willingness or desire to do certain things, perhaps? Exaggerated moaning? Improved techniques? Unusual positions now more common? Have you not noticed a change at all?

I realize porn stars haven't invented anything new and that what is seen on screen has been practiced by many people for thousands of years, but I'm wondering if the ubiquity of porn has led to a general change in what is now considered to be standard bedroom behavior.

Love: what do women want?

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 09:13:46 -0800

Can somebody (especially women) point me to images in film, text, or other media of the kind of lover that women would think of as loving, appreciative, and understanding, as well as manly and attractive, or comment on my situation in ways that would help me understand how to be a better lover to my beloved wife? At the age of 65, in a faithful 22 year marriage, I am starting to feel my age. I have always been physically and sexually active, and have felt pride and a sense of manly self-worth in my ability to love, build, create, remodel, and provide financial and emotional support, which I often accomplished creatively but while stubbornly clinging to risk-taking ways. (read:"doing it my own way") In my mind, this has demonstrated a manly disregard for my comfort and safety, which I have always regarded as brave and heroic, and has made me feel more powerful and attractive to women. Unfortunately, my bold tendencies combined with getting less strong and well-coordinated as I get older, have resulted in my having 4 construction-related accidents needing surgical repair under general anesthesia within the last year. Three of the four involved falls: two from ladders, and the last, a nearly-fatal narrow miss, a skull-cracking fall from a ledge.

I have been listening to my wife lately and may finally be getting a little bit smarter. She tells me that my feeling myself to be more heroic and attractive to women (read:"her") based on my risk-taking accomplishments (read:"denying that I am getting older") is self-absorbed, testosterone-poisoned, male stereotypical thinking based on popular culture, thumbing my nose at my over-controlling and deceased parents, and too many James Bond movies and other "Guy" media. She says she would feel like I was really capable of loving her if I was more loving, appreciative, and understanding of her. This would necessitate curtailing my risky habits, which she now finds terrifying. Like many men I have known, I am nearly totally clueless to relate to what she is saying.

I was raised in a family that was pretty strange, and have had few models and little experience that challenged my ways of thinking about how men act to become self-respecting. attractive lovers to women. Can somebody (especially women) please point me to images in film, text, or other media of the kind of lover that women would think of as loving, appreciative, and understanding, as well as manly and attractive? Or comment in ways that would help me understand how to be a better lover to my beloved wife?

How can I overcome my sexual shyness?

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 23:47:46 -0800

I would like to be more, er, assertive in bed, but I'm too shy. How can I get past this? Is there a good self-help book on the subject? Is there anything you've personally tried that worked for you? Sex with my boyfriend is like a graham cracker - I enjoy it while I'm having it, but I'm not often craving it. This is almost entirely my fault - I'm not making much effort to change anything or express my feelings on the matter. I don't really know how. The problem for me is that I'm painfully shy when it comes to sex. I get embarrassed so easily! Rational or not, I can't even bring up what I like because I'm too terrified of being made fun of. I haven't really had much trouble with this in the past because past boyfriends were a bit controlling, which worked perfectly for me in the bedroom. I actually like to be controlled a bit in (and only in) the bedroom. Besides, if someone else is calling the shots, you can't embarrass yourself, right? My present beau seems to be more about pleasing me, however, which would be wonderful if I knew how to tell him what I want. But I don't. Help me figure out how to get past this.

I'd like to explode, but can't.

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 11:28:28 -0800

I'm a man and I can't orgasm. What can I do to remedy this? I am a late 20's male who recently began having sex, and I am having a distressing problem. Namely, I can't achieve orgasm.

The first time my partner and I did it, I orgasmed, but since then, nothing.

I masturbated a lot through the years and have the feeling that this lies at the core of my problem. A vagina doesn't grip my penis as tightly as my hand does. I also masturbated without lotion or lube. Like a good boy, I've also been using condoms. As a result, the friction needed to make achieve orgasm isn't there.

Is there anything I can do to remedy this problem? Any techniques or toys that might get my penis more accustomed to the slippery looseness of a vagina? My partner assures me that her vagina is pretty tight.

If you need more details or want to e-mail me privately, please e-mail me at chronicmast at gmail dot com.

Thanks!

A kiss is just a kiss

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 23:05:14 -0800

Am I fair in blaming a snail's-pace relationship on my weak ability to show affection? I'm ~3 months into a relationship with a girl I'm smitten over. Unfortunately, it's the most G-rated, nonphysical relationship I've ever been in. The same for her, probably, as she's had lots of sex before me. Our relationship has evolved very little since the first date. I'm worried I'm more the problem than she is.

Both of us have executed few acts of entering the other's personal space. Very little hand-holding: her hands are always somewhere that I can't reach them without a little force, like the purse strap. Kissing happens only at the end of dates, and they're split-second short. (The exception is last Sunday, when I couldn't take it anymore and asked her outright for a nice kiss. 'Sure,' she said, and it was so.) No making out and sex, by corollary.

For someone who's had way more experience than I've had, I'm stumped why this relationship has basically stalled. I'm more than happy to wait indefinitely for sex, but no other forms of affection have come to fill the void. I'm the source of most of it, and I don't even do that much because I stress out about what she'd think. In a theatre I managed to reach over and give her a quick body squeeze before bailing out. She's been to my apartment once (it was early on and she knew I wouldn't pull any moves; we talked the entire time), but I don't know if I could ask her over again. I feel like she'd interpret it as a push for sex, which may or may not be the case, who knows. (Which is an interesting side question: how does one pose this invitation?) I used to be the exact opposite: with past GFs, I wouldn't shut up about how much I 'loved' them. In hindsight it was totally creepy.

Am I fair in blaming a snail's-pace relationship on my weak ability to show affection? What can I do to improve myself or get her to understand how I feel about her lack of response? Bringing up the desire for a good kiss is one thing, but I can't keep doing it for squeezing, hand-holding, first base, etc.

(Please don't suggest that I DTMFA. I know it sounds like she's cold and uninterested in me. I'm sure she enjoys my company very much. What we lack in physicality we make up verbally: we spend six hour stretches just talking and having fun.)

We're big and getting busy. How can we get busier?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 20:12:40 -0800

Sex positions for overweight people? NSFW details inside A friend and I recently began having sex, but have run into a problem. I'm a man, BTW.

I'm a bit overweight (6 feet, 225). She is obese (5'7', 200).

I tried missionary, but my penis had problems staying inside her, since I couldn't get it all the way in. After a bit of trying, I was able to climax.

I'm wondering what sorts of positions people like us can use for maximum pleasure.

Thanks!

Help me talk to my wife

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 08:09:46 -0800

Conversation starters needed for married couple's date night. The wife is a bit introverted and needs some prodding to get a conversation started... if it doesn't include career, kids or family. After 10+ years of marriage, kids and career, we need to spice things up and get to know each other again. I am looking for intimate, scruples-type questions we can ask each other to get us talking about our sex life...and life in general. An hour of Googling has not been particularly helpful.

Make my first visit to a brothel a happy one.

Anonymous — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 15:18:22 -0800

Visiting Reno in October, looking for advice on visiting a brothel. I've never been to one before, but I'm toying with the idea as it sounds like it could be fun and the chance to live out some fantasies I may never find a woman (or 2) willing to participate in. So, some questions:

Anyone have any recommendations for a nice place to go? I'm looking for one that isn't TOO sleazy (I know, it's a brothel, but still), with attractive women, hygenic, enjoyable atmosphere, etc. I've seen "Cathouse" on HBO about the Moonlight Bunny Ranch... is that place really all that?

Prices... How much do the "services" tend to cost? Do they charge by the hour? By the act? By the woman (or do you get a discount for group activities)? Is there any sort of negotiation? Are you expected to tip? Again, on the Bunny Ranch, are its prices exorbitant because it is on HBO, or is it comparable to other places?

Finally... hygiene and health questions: I assume that part of their licensing is that the women get tested regularly. Can anyone give me the details on this? Are they tested for everything (herpes, etc) or just the biggie (HIV)? Do the brothels have a strict "safe sex only" policy? And, last but not least... what kind of, ahem, cleaning regimen do the women go through between clients? I don't like the idea of tasting some other guy's sweat and... other fluids on someone's body.

Since I'm sure many people will not want to post publicly, you can email me at mrsecret@email.com
I appreciate the opinions of those of you who may have moral qualms with this, but I'm not looking for that kind of input, thanks.

Controlling Birth Control: Can I?

shadowfelldown — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 10:27:27 -0800

The goal here is more sex and zero babies. Okay. I know I need to take the pill at approximately the same time every day to prevent pregnancy. This causes one scheduling decision I'd like to avoid having to make:

Take the pill earlier in the day, ending my period and having sex earlier on Fridays but get my period again and have to stop earlier on Sunday nights, or take my pill late on Fridays and have to wait until later at night to have sex (or until the next day! Gah!), so my period ends later and I wont have to worry about getting my period on Sunday night.

I'm not a freak or anything, but at the moment my relationship is somewhat long distance and I only get to see my boyfriend on the weekends.
I would like to avoid this problem by taking the pill quite early on Fridays, perhaps around 3 or 4 at the beginning of the month, safely ending my period by later that friday night, but be taking my last pill quite late on Thursday (11:30, lets say) so that I wouldn't get my period on Sunday night.
Since simply changing at some point in the month seems too unsafe babywise (I am taking absolutely no chances at being that 1% or girls who get knocked up on the pill), I would like to accomplish this gradually during the month. A half hour later every few days until I am taking the pill when I want to be.

Is this safe?
Can I get away with doing this without risking pregnancy?

Where's the pain coming from?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 20:36:15 -0800

What does being poked in the cervix during intercourse feel like? My experience with sex is limited to just the past few weeks. I'm still feeling some pain, either from a still-not-quite-gone hymen, or some tightness in my vagina, but now and then, I feel some pain that feels different and I think it might be coming from my cervix. Sometimes it feels like a lot of different sensations get all mixed up down there, and I have a hard time figuring out where the pain or pleasure are coming from.

To give an example, a couple of weeks ago, during intercourse (not so painful), my husband was going a little deep, and then he came, at which point I felt like I had been pierced by a hard and pointy object and later, some big drops of blood came out. We were both left wondering if it was some sort of new tear on my hymen of if something had happened in the back of my vagina.

Help me make sense of some of this please.

This came out like a long explanation but I could do with people answering just the initial question.

And to answer some common questions: yes we are having lots of foreplay and using lots of lube.

Thanks!

Freakonomics and MySpace abductions.

SirStan — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 17:27:25 -0800

I live in Vermont. I work in a small town that has been directly affected by the recent Brooke Bennett tragedy (family involved 12 year old in sex ring and killed her, attempted to blame it on a MySpace predator) in an industry that is directly related to dealing with the aftermath. I am also reading Freakonomics, which amongst other things has persuaded me to look past media hype and compare numbers to actual relevant data. I have two questions 1. How many children a year are kidnapped/abducted that can be directly attributed to social networking sites online vs other baseline statistics (how many children's parents kidnap them, how many children are killed due to negligence such as not belting kids in).

2. (Completely hypothetical) Given say a $500,000 grant to promote child safety, where would the money most be effective in comparative ranking to "ZOMG MYSPACE" alerts and education.

Are online predators really any statistical danger, or just an easy and new headline.

How can I have awesome sex?

Anonymous — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 18:42:45 -0800

[SexFilter] Mindblowing sex. I would like to have some. I'm in a long term committed relationship with someone I really love. The sex is really nice but I feel like it could be more. We do some kinky stuff (mostly light bondage) and I feel like if there are other kinks I was into she'd be GGG. But the big issue is that the sex sometimes just lacks a sort of animal ferocity.

I guess I'm just looking for some good sex hacks. Fundamentals. In the same way that you can either just make scrambled eggs or elevate it to "the perfect omlette", I'm wondering whether there are techniques, methods, supplements, exercises, or tricks to make even the most vanilla missionary position sizzle.

Also, it'd be cool if I could cum every time. These days, 50% of the time we both get worn out before I do. I sometimes get close and then it feels like something inside me "pulls back" and then when I try to push through to it it's gone. If she cums I usually do immediately afterwards but not always.

Also, how exactly does one raise this with a partner without making it feel like I don't like the sex? I like the sex, I just feel like it could be better.

Should I take this relationship to another level?

Anonymous — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 17:52:44 -0800

My friend is willing to become a friend with benefits. Should I do it? I'm male. A friend of mine who I've known for the last 10 years recently told me that she has the hots for me. At the time, I told her that I was flattered, but not interested in her romantically.

Since then, I've been thinking about whether or not a friends with benefit arrangement would work. She always complains about needing sex and I am a virgin. It seems like it might work. When I broached the subject the other day, she seemed receptive. She's done the FWB thing before, and has sex with her son's dad whenever he's in town.

There are a few complicating factors:
1. She has a 4 year old son.
2. I'm really not interested in being romantically involved with her.
3. I worry that this will change our relationship for the worse.

Oh MeFites, help me decide whether I should go through with this. I'm so conflicted.

Vintage Wedding Gfift - Naughty

Lesser Shrew — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 18:31:04 -0800

Can you help me with titles, online shopping sources for 1950s tongue-in-cheek sex/marriage manual? I'm looking for something like "Is Sex Neccessary" or "Having a Baby Can Be a Scream" that was published in the mid- to late fifties. This is for a gag gift so condition is not an issue. Title, author, or even dim memory of a book would be helpful.

My local library and combined catalogues are having trouble with the humor-sex combination.

Microbial yeast-infection war with my boyfriend

Anonymous — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 09:24:34 -0800

Long distance relationship...and my body is not cooperating??!!! (NSFW) So every time I visit my boyfriend now I seem to get a yeast infection. My OBGYN said I had nothing to worry about and that she sees this a lot with long distance relationships. Her rationale is that if you are having regular sex, you (and your microbial communities) get used to each other, but in a long distance relationship they don't. So every time we have sex for the first time in awhile, my body is OMGWTFisthis. Usually even if I don't treat the infection, it goes away after a couple of horrible burning days and if the visit is long, we are eventually able to have worry-free sex. She didn't have any ideas for mitigating this effect.

This has happened with other long distance boyfriends before (ruined a vacation once because we hadn't seen each other in awhile), so I don't think it's my boyfriend. And I haven't changed my BCP in awhile and I eat a low-sugar diet. Ive been tested for STDs recently too.

I've never heard of this sort of problem before, is there anything I can do? So far it seems to be better if he doesn't ejaculate the first couple of times we have sex, but it's steal pretty unpleasant. I've thought about stealing his underwear and sleeping with it.

Ugh, every time we have sex I envision this massive war between various armies of bacteria.

How do normal people go about finding casual sex?

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 07:16:43 -0800

How do normal people go about finding casual sex? For someone who thinks that taking advantage of drunk girls in clubs is immoral and adult match-making websites are scams or dangerous, is there any outlet to meet nice (albeit frisky!) gentlemen and ladies? I'm an easy-going and friendly guy, but I have no idea how to broach the topic with single female friends, lest I scare them or have them consider me a deviant! How do I go about meeting (or finding) friendly, open-minded people who are open to the idea of casual (but fully consensual, not alcohol-fuelled) sex?

I'm not averse to the idea of developing friendships with such open-minded people, but I have no idea regarding the etiquette involved.

I'm a young, male university student in Melbourne, Australia who spends way too much time pontificating on societal hang-ups, if that matters. Throwaway email for the discreet/propositions: casualsexaus@gmail.com

What are the social benefits of pornography?

vizsla — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 18:25:32 -0800

Does porn benefit society? Over the years we've read a lot about the ills of pornography but the world doesn't seem to be falling apart any faster than it was before the internet came along. What's the latest thinking on this? For example, does anyone know of any studies, stories or anecdotes where the use of pornography helped someone or solved some sort of societal problem? Does it help pacify or inspire potential rapists? Does it keep marriages together or break them apart? From personal experience, I remember when I first saw pornography it opened up a whole new world of experience and excitement for me. Nowadays most of it for me is just like pleasant oggling of the bikini-clad page three girl in newspapers in days gone by. What's going on?

How can I stop thinking about the nasty?

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 11:20:46 -0800

I'm obsessed with sex. I think about it constantly. How can I make it stop? I'm 29 and still a technical virgin. I want to have sex, but can't seem to find a partner. I have had two past girlfriends, both of whom wanted to wait until marriage to have sex.

I find myself obsessed about sex. I think about it all the time. I watch porn when I get home from work. I'll stare at women's breasts and cleavage while I walk around. I hate that I do it. I've often thought about flying to Vegas and hiring a hooker, but can't bring myself to do it. I already masturbate daily, and two or three times each day on the weekend. It isn't enough.

Have any of you had success in stopping such pervasive thoughts? I'd like to stop thinking about sex, because I likely won't be getting any for a while

romancing romania

crazylegs — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 05:58:47 -0800

What is sex like in Romania? What are the common attitudes towards various sexual practices in Romania? How is a person from Romania likely to feel about: oral sex, anal sex, different positions, gay sex, threesomes, etc.? Are there any attitudes, enthusiasms, or taboos that are unique to Romania?

Too big for her?

cincinnatus c — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 13:58:04 -0800

Sex question: what to do about being "too big"? Could have done this anonymously, I suppose, but I'm asking on the spur of the moment and I can't take the delay.

Anyway, my girlfriend says that sometimes when we have sex I'm "too big", and this is seriously messing things up.

For what it's worth, I am not especially "big". It's the proper size, normal size, average or slightly above average. Some other girls I have slept with have said "that's big" but not one has said that it's the biggest... I mean, occasionally I've asked them about the biggest, and heard about serious freaks, but I am solidly in the average range.

But my girlfriend is quite petite, and I'm too big for her sometimes. To the extent that any position from behind is becoming out of the question - "it's like you're fucking my womb". This has happened before, with other people, it being slightly painful in certain shapes, but never to the extent that those shapes were out of the question.

But even the positions that are not out of the question become painful sometimes for my girlfriend, and it's getting in the way...

So my question is what to do about this? Are some bodies just incompatible? I thought about not going in completely, but that would be hard to maintain & besides would involve missing out on all kinds of extra, useful rubbing etc. Could lube help? I know you Americans are crazy about lube, but I've never used it, no one I know has, & always thought it had something to with circumcision in a way. Can it help with length? Can it stop the "fucking my womb" feeling?