Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and virgin

How do I tell someone that I'm a virgin?

Wrigley — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 15:46:22 -0800

How do I tell someone that I have never had sex? Okay, I'm new to this site so I apologize if this has been discussed before and I just missed it in my quick search.

The background: I'm a 23 year old female who has never had actual sex (and no, I'm not counting oral, "almost", or any other expansive definition). I'm defining it in the narrowest of terms - the Bill Clinton way, if you will. To top it off, I haven't really done *anything* with the opposite sex besides the occasional drunken make out in the last four years. Oh, and I can't ask my friends around here for advice, since they all have no idea - and I like it that way.

Before I went to college I was in a very long relationship with an older guy. We did a lot, but I never felt ready to go all the way. The relationship ended shortly before I left for school and I guess I didn't think too much of it at the time - I figured I'd soon be dating again and it wasn't going to matter all that much, since I was only seventeen. Well, needless to say, that didn't exactly work out, and somehow I ended up finishing up school with no meaningful experience to speak of.

Now out in the real world I have a guy that I'm close to and, while nothing has happened yet, it really only seems like a matter of time at this point. But... two things are terrifying me and keeping me up at night:

The first: I worry about my rustiness. Since I'll actually be sober this time around (or at least hope to be) I'm freaked out that I'll be, you know, bad when things do happen and that that will nip anything we have in the bud right there.

The second: I worry that even if it's all like riding a bike and I know what I'm doing, that when it comes time, I'm going to have to tell him that I'm still a virgin. Awkward. I mean, I'm 23 - shouldn't this have happened by now? And, as a girl, it's not like I can really lie about this sort of thing without it be seriously obvious. Again, I'm worried that he'll just decide that it's not worth it... that I'm not worth it, and that'll be the end of that.

I really like this dude. I don't know if I want a relationship with him - I may be leaving my current city in a few short months for graduate school, but I want something to happen and I feel like these worries are holding me back. Please help.

What else could I have said in this situation? (NSFW)

Anonymous — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 09:56:15 -0800

What else could I have said in this situation? (NSFW) When I met my girlfriend (Diane), she was a virgin. She was waiting for marriage. For the first couple months of the relationship, we would fool around up to the point of sex but never go that far - or even tease the boundary. Our point of view was that we didn't want to risk temptation. The boundary began to get teased before long.

We would do the whole, "just put it in a little bit" routine. I would pull out, or she would get up before anything happened (read: breaking the hymen).

Some time last month, we were getting intimate and it got to the "put it in" part. I was about to pull out, but she told me to go deeper. I did, and it broke.

There was a moment of silence and shock. Then questioning ("Did it really break?" "Yep, there's blood."). Now, as a male, I'm not known for being smart. The first word out of my mouth was, "Oops."

We had sex for a few more minutes after that before stopping because of no condom.

Diane isn't crushed because of losing her virginity before she was ready. Nor does she hold any resentment against me. Surprisingly, she doesn't even hold the "Oops" against me - It's actually a point of chuckle for us.

Tonight, we were playfully bickering and she brought it up saying, "I mean, seriously: 'Oops'?!"

To which I responded, "Well, what else could I have said?" And there was silence.

AskMeFi: What else could I have said? We've played around with the "I love you" line, but that could possibly have made it seem like I planned to take her virginity.

Request: I'm not looking for any answers besides ones pertaining directly to my question. We just want to know if there was anything else that could have been said in this instance better than, "Oops" that wouldn't have ruined the mood, nor made it seem like I planned the whole thing.

NSFW condom/sex question.

Anonymous — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 08:57:14 -0800

Mid-20s guy needs first-time condom/penetrative intercourse advice. This will be NSFW. I've done a lot of sexual things with the women I've been in relationships with, but never had penetrative intercourse. Long story short, I (and the people I dated) used to be pretty uptight about risk and morality. I'm less so now, and I'm in a relationship with a great woman that's heading into sexual territory. I've only once bought condoms before, and that was with a girl who had really specific requirements (and I ended up never using them, heh). Never even really looked at them in the store. It's a bit of embarrassment left over from my history, I guess. Yeah, I know I need therapy. I'm working on it. In the immediate term, how on earth do I weigh the various features/risks of condoms and pick out something that'll work well/as safely as possible? I'm not interested in gimicks like texture/studs/ribbing/etc, but even in the realm of "plain condoms" there's a lot of description that isn't very meaningful to me. I see the sampler packs referenced here, but I probably need to work out something before next weekend. That thread also has some good specific advice, but I guess I'm asking for advice for the neophyte rather than the experienced. Also: is there a "size chart" for these things anywhere?

And yes, I will talk with the lady about her own preferences, but I'd rather get educated to a point somewhere beyond "complete ignoramus" before I go and make a fool of myself.

I'm in the US.

25 yo heartbroken virgin, enjoys long walks on the beach

Anonymous — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 14:10:53 -0800

Heartbroken after recently getting out of a 7 year relationship, and still a virgin. I'm a 25 yr old guy. Have done oral, but no vaginal sex, have done "outercourse" (which for all you horny but non-repressed sexual creatures, is just rubbing our naked naughty parts against each other, but no actual penetration), due to respecting the girl's wishes to wait until marriage. We had known each other for 7 years, I was ready to propose and everything. But over the last few months, she felt that we had grown apart, ended it, and started dating someone else. Oh, and the best part is that now she's ready. Just icing on the cake, that. It's over at this point, I can accept that. I'm moving on emotionally as well as can be hoped. . .which is not really that well at all, but i'm not suicidal or anything. And I have the support of my friends and family.

Since I haven't been single since I was 18, I have no real-world personal idea of how dating works. We were just two naive ppl getting together, and now that's all fucked. I just know what I know from friends, which makes the world seem like a jaded and cynical place of throwaway sex and disappointments for long-term potential. I have a lot of anxiety over starting that up, and I don't know if I'm even ready for all that yet.

I guess one of the biggest sources of anxiety is that my ex and I used to have absolutely great sexual chemistry, minus the sex. After 7 years, we both knew exactly what got the other one off, how to put each other in the mood, the secret spots, all that craziness. It seems so daunting now to try to have intimacy with another woman, and then flub around with the virgin question, and having the expected first few times of crappy sex before I'm functional.

I just feel at 25, I'm way behind the game here.

To keep it focused, my question(s) are as follows:
1. Will the sexual chemistry ever be as good? I really want the answer to this be yes, but obviously just be honest.
1. How/when do I tell a potential partner that I'm still a virgin?
2. Won't she be able to tell anyways?
3. How will this be taken ("wtf is wrong with you?" "aww that's sweet, let me teach you" "umm, no thanks, newbs no need apply. . )
4. More generally, how will I know that I'm ready to jump in? Some advice I've gotten is: jump in, it'll help you get over it, and others say wait until you are over it, then jump in. . . i'm confused and don't even know how to determine if I'm over it. All I know is that I'm not over it currently.
5. Are relationships ever as good as the one with your first love? Once again, I want ppl to say yes, but the honest truth is better.

I guess that's a lot of things to answer, but I appreciate any and all advice/wisdom. . .thanks mefi

How can I help my son get laid?

Anonymous — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 12:07:22 -0800

So...my nineteen year old son just informed me that he is president of his college's abstinence club. I think that this is a huge mistake. How can I help my son get laid and see what he is missing? This is not a religious issue for him. Nor is he Gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). I suspect that there's more to it than what he's telling me (one of his friends thinks he might have a crush on a girl in the Abstinence club) which is that he thinks sex should be an intimate act between two people and not casual. And I don't disagree. I've been married and faithful for twenty years. And I've always tried to teach him safe sex.

But he's 19 and in college. Isn't this the time for sexual experimentation? To get jiggy with it and all that?
So how can I help him have sex?

Help me avoid pain during my honeymoon

Anonymous — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 20:38:48 -0800

Newlywed here. First-time sex question inside. My husband and I got married a few days ago. We were both virgins and we had sex for the first time 2 days ago. It hurt a lot (for me)...but no blood. We've now had sex a few times and it still hurts every time. My husband tells me he felt some "resistance" at first, but not anymore, just a lot of tightness. I read a few of the past questions with this topic, with a lot of suggestions of going to the doctor. I'm NOT going to the doctor (at least during the honeymoon), so is there anything someone can tell me that could help at this time?

I'm guessing my hymen tore a little on a side or something (it hurts more in a specific area) and part of it is still tight around the edges/entrance. What can I do do make the pain stop? Should we take a break for a day and maybe let it heal? Or just keep on so that it doesn't "close up" again? I have no idea what to do. If it helps, I've got some anti-inflammatory meds here that I usually take for different types of inflammation.

Any suggestions?

How can I be OK with never being intimate with another?

Anonymous — Sat, 17 May 2008 16:26:42 -0800

I'm 29 and haven't had sex. How can I reconcile with the fact that it might not ever happen for me? I'm 29 and I've never had sex.

This fact has been weighing on me lately. I feel like everyone around me is having sex and is able to find people to be intimate with except for myself.

So far, I've had two girlfriends. Both were somewhat religious, and did not believe in sex before marriage. I cared about them, and so I respected their wishes. Still, I always wondered what it would be like.

I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that perhaps I'm not meant to ever have sex with another.

So I ask you, has sex been worth it to those who have had it? If you're still a virgin, how are you able to cope with these feelings? Any help would be appreciated.

Throwaway e-mail is frustratedvirgin@gmail.com if you don't want to post an answer here or want to ask me further questions.

Help two clueless virgins...

Anonymous — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 08:13:58 -0800

Two virgins attempt to have sex, but a recalcitrant hymen gets in the way. Help? So, my boyfriend and I finally decided to start trying to have sex. "Try" is the operative word here. We were both virgins and didn't really know what we were doing. The first time he attempted to enter me...it didn't go so well. He only got a bit of the tip in before I started crying and there was blood everywhere.

As far as we can tell, the hymen is still mostly there, albeit torn a little. We tried again just using fingers, and he still can't put two fingers in me without it being very painful, though before it was impossible.

So, what should we do? Googling has turned up little information of value. I know that my mom had a hymenectomy when she was 19 for some reason or other, so I was thinking maybe that sort of thing is genetic. I have been using tampons since I was 14 or so (now 20), albeit with some difficulty with the larger ones, but at least I know it's not completely closed off down there. I was very athletic in high school, so perhaps that has something to do with it.

Any help you could give would be much appreciated.

Email: cluelessvirgin@gmail.com

My life is not a Steve Carell movie

Anonymous — Sat, 21 Jul 2007 15:36:04 -0800

Please help me not be the next 40 year old virgin! I'm a guy pushing 30 and I'm still a virgin. I'd like to change that. This question is not about how to meet women or get them to sleep with me. It's a little more, um, practical than that.

I've only done more than make out with 3 women. As a result, I'm really insecure when I'm with a new girl, which leads to performance anxiety.

The inexperience stems in part from not being very assertive when I was younger and having self-esteem issues related to my weight. I'm not perfect, but those are no longer holding me back in terms of approaching women, flirting, or dating. But now the inexperience is perpetuating itself.

Recent example: I had gone out with this girl a handful of times and we made out a little. After one night of lots of drinking and dancing, she came back to my place. Both of us were really turned on all night, things were going well. We're in bed, lots of foreplay, still very turned on. As soon as she actually reached down and started to give me a handjob, I went limp. She was very attractive, and I was very interested, so that wasn't the problem. We talked a little about me being inexperienced, laughed it off because we were both wasted, then went to sleep. Same embarrassing scene the next morning! But sober and without a good excuse. That's a blow to the self esteem (not at all the blow I was looking for).

Neither of us was looking for anything super serious at the time, so when I wasn't really up for the benefits part of friends-with-benefits, that little fling went away. And I'm starting to freak out about repeating the above scenario with the next girl... and the next....

In the ideal situation, I'd be comfortable enough with whoever is in my bed to talk about this, and she'd be cool and patient so taking it that slow wouldn't be a problem. But it doesn't always work that way. I don't necessarily want to have the "I've only been with 3 other girls and I'm still a virgin" conversation with every girl I might sleep with. And I don't necessarily want to wait until I find my soulmate to have sex. So I'm looking for tips to get through some future casual hook-ups. All my plumbing works just fine. I masturbate regularly (but I don't think that was an issue in my last encounter... I could've hopped into bed with a loaded gun and not been able to pull the trigger that night).

What can I do, mentally or physically, to get past this roadblock? Any suggestions appreciated.

Is it ok to keep posing as a virgin?

SeparatetheLabelD — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 14:22:36 -0800

Was I "technically" raped? More importantly do I need to tell my girlfriend that I'm not a virgin? When I was seventeen, I had a party at my house when both my parents and my current girlfriend were out of town. I ended up getting really drunk at the party and slept with one of the girls at the party. However, because I was so intoxicated, I "browned/blacked out and barely remember the actual sex act (although I do remember everything leading up to it and bits and pieces during and after). The morning after, I woke up and found the girl in my bed and pieced together what had happened with her help. She was eighteen at the time.

Was I technically raped since I didn't offer consent, was not in a right state of mind, and did not want to cheat on my girlfriend? I'm not asking if I could take her to court over it or anything because I know I'd lose.

Now I'm 19 and involved in a relationship where we are finally ready to have sex. The thing is she is a virgin and I told her I was too. Was this wrong of me or was it alright to keep this from her?

P.S. I know I'm a scumbag for cheating so no need to reiterate that point to me.

Will he know that I'm a virgin?

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Oct 2006 21:46:59 -0800

Ok, embarrassing. I’m a late twentysomething virgin, in a relationship that will probably turn sexual very soon. He doesn’t know I’m a virgin and I really don’t want to tell him. My question is, will he be able to tell when we do have sex? I don’t mean by the way I’m acting, or reacting. I just mean, solely by what it feels like physically for him. Please don’t just tell me to tell him the truth. I know he’d be utterly shocked and not know what to say and make a big deal about it and feel weird and I just can't bear that awkwardness.

Oblivious hymen breaking?

suomynona — Thu, 29 Jun 2006 18:09:23 -0800

Is it possible I broke by girlfriend's hymen without knowing? I first had sex with her about 5 months ago and only last week did she come out and tell me that she was actually a virgin when we had sex (she had lied before about it).
Further, she says that I broke her hymen while we had sex and there was even blood on my mouth that she slyly wiped off... all without my knowing! I wasn't (really) drunk but I was pretty excited (it was only my 3rd time.) Oh yeah, and this was without a condom, so I feel I should have felt something.
Also, she has had several relationships that involved pretty much all kind of non-sex play, so it's amazing to me that her hymen could have even survived (she's 28).
So is she mistaken? Was it a partial hymen? Am I a clueless lover? Wikipedia didn't give me the answers I'm looking for.
(Note - for those who are curious, I don't care at all that she lied)

Is it worth the wait?

Anonymous — Thu, 11 Aug 2005 23:13:12 -0800

Is losing my virginity worth waiting for? A lot I'm a 21 year old male, finished 16 years of school in a fairly conservative environment in a non-western country until college in the US, but am not conservative myself (I actively try new food/ideas/activities). I know I'm pretty smart, average looks (tall though), shy with flashes of wit that sometimes come off as snide.
After a little bit of self-analysis I realized that the whole "girls are icky" thing didn't really wear off until I was about 18, too late for the environment that I grew up in. People have told me (after the fact) that I've been hit on, when I thought all I was having was a friendly conversation. I've never had a girlfriend, or been in love, although combined with the icky-complex I guess I haven't really tried very hard.
My first kiss was with an old friend that I had seen after a looong time and it was wonderful, gentle, and satisfying. Finally, my question: Is it worth waiting for an experience like the above for my "first time"? Or is it more comfortable to clear the road first and then make future sorties,as it were, over familiar terrain? Do you regret losing it the way you did?

First time sex advice?

Anonymous — Thu, 23 Jun 2005 08:56:22 -0800

So my girlfriend and I have decided we're going to have sex. First time for both of us even though we're both adults. We're going to go away for a weekend to do it. Any advice for making it great? What do you wish had been different about your first time?