Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and sexuality

crazy little thing called the love that dare not speak its name

Jon_Evil — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 07:16:55 -0800

I need some academically credible synonyms for same-sex erotic activity that are less ambiguous than "gay sex" and less clinical-sounding than "homosexual contact." I'm helping to revise a 30-year-old book about human sexuality for re-publication, and the state of homo-politico-linguistics has changed considerably. The author refers to "gays" as a demographic group, but sometimes he's talking about only exclusively homosexual-identifying men, and sometimes about anyone of any gender that's ever slipped a bit towards the right of the Kinsey scale. He uses "gay sex" in a similarly inconsistent way.

The problem with "Queer" and its derivatives is that it's still a loaded term, and while pretty much everyone under thirty sees it as a positive description, older people (including the author) see it as a slur.

Just to be clear, I'm not looking for names of specific acts, but a generalized term for everything along the spectrum from kissing to fisting, just as long as you keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay.

How long should I wait?

RawrGulMuffins — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 11:53:53 -0800

Question’s about my virgin girlfriend pertaining to sex and sexuality. History: I’ve been dating this girl for about 6-7 months now; it took about 3 months to win her over. I knew going into the relationship that she was a virgin so it wasn’t a surprise that we didn’t have sex right off the bat. What did surprise me is that until very recently she was uncomfortable just making out with me.

I am very much not a virgin (male if it matters). In fact I’d say that sex is about my favorite activity, and as such waiting this long has been a bit difficult. When I think about my ideal woman, the perfect person who has everything I desire, my Girl comes pretty damn close. Obviously there are little things that bother me, but I really want what we have going to work out. I would very much regret looking back five years from now and thinking that I fucked up because I couldn’t wait just a little bit longer.

Pertinent information: My girl admitted she had(s) low self-esteem about her body. It surprised the shit out of me because A) she’s truly, stupidly beautiful, B) it seems to be the only self-esteem issue she has. There has been no long term boyfriend’s before me, although she had a crush on a guy for 6 years through her school life.

There is no history of sexual abuse or mistreatment on either side. We’re both 21 years old. She rarely tries to masturbate, maybe once a month if that. She’s also never orgasmed but that doesn’t seem uncommon for females her age.

My Girl has said that she doesn’t think her libido is naturally non-existent, and there has been improvement on her side of the equation. It’s just taking a hell of a long time for things to get going.

She doesn't want to bring medical help into this situation yet, she doesn't enjoy accepting help on intensely personal things.

Questions: 1: If she doesn’t have a naturally non-existent sex drive, about how long do you think it would take for her to discover her sexuality? I know it’s impossible to give a time-table on this sort of things, but a general guess would help me immensely. Personal anecdotes very much welcome.

2: This is a deal breaker for me and at this point I’m attempting to stay in the relationship to see if things “improve.” Has anyone ever been in my position before, and if so how long did you wait until you were certain you weren’t making a mistake by leaving your SO?

3: I’m going sexually nuts, is there anything (other then masturbation, it’s getting old) a man can do to lower his sex drive, especially in the presence of my very attractive girlfriend?

All Comics Big And Small And Dangly.

The Whelk — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 06:40:55 -0800

Where The New Comics At?: In addition to my many other hats I may be getting a job reviewing new erotica/sexuality/explicit etc comics in the future. I'd get my pick of any comic/graphic novel to review as long as it includes some element or discussion of sex or sexuality or whatever. The problem is that I have no idea what the new releases are and I can't seem to find a centralized list of upcoming titles with enough description. Where should I be looking for new and upcoming titles from big and small publishers, ideally with some description so I can tell what the hell it is?

Sex without pleasure

alice ayres — Fri, 22 May 2009 10:15:10 -0800

Does there exist a culture where sex doesn't result in orgasm? Just finished reading Do They Hear You When You Cry? I started trying to write a story about a futuristic society, and I am coming up short with my limited knowledge. I am wondering if there exists a culture where men ejaculate, but neither the man nor woman experience pleasure when having sex? Links, books, movies (or any other pop culture media), etc? I am familiar with some countries and cultures that practice female circumcision, but are there cultures/countries where men and women BOTH do not derive pleasure from sex? Or even where a man does not derive pleasure from sex?

Follow up (in the event that no such culture exists) - I would assume that this type of culture would have a huge effect on power relations and sexuality and relationships. With my limited knowledge, I feel ill-equipped to say exactly what the effect may or may not be based on actual evidence. Would this be negative or positive [to use generic terms]?

Full disclosure: I'm not a professional writer. I would just like to make sure my story has realistic undertones. Fauziya Kassindja's story moved me, and I am afraid my preconceived notions and lack of concentrated study in this area will lead me to make broad, sweeping wrong generalizations.

Red Bull gives you more than wings, apparently.

WolfDaddy — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 10:55:03 -0800

Why do B-complex vitamins and zinc enhance orgasm? I've noticed this in myself as a chronic Red Bull drinker which is chock-full of niacin, B6 and B12. However, my Google-fu fails me as when I try to find information out this phenomenon, all I get is page after page of sites offering to sell me Orgasm Enhancement Products!!!!one1buyNAO. Most of these products also seem to include zinc.

So what's the physiological process here? Why do these vitamins (and possibly a mineral) have this effect on many people?

Transgender resources in SF and the BA?

Anonymous — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 21:36:06 -0800

Transgender resources in San Francisco and the Bay Area? I've hit my wall and I can't take it any more. I need help. I don't have a fetish - well, except for the fact I love clothes like many women. I'm not closeted gay boy who simply wants to be flamboyant. Oh, I wish it were that easy.

I have severe gender dysphoria and it's slowly killing me and poisoning my relationships with just about anyone in my life. I'm envious and jealous of the women in my life and resentful of the men who expect me to meet their standards of emotional and physical masculinity.

Above all I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of trying to live two lives and keeping the best parts of me a secret. I'm tired of lying to myself and the people I love. It's well past time to deal with this.

I'm looking for MTF transgender resources in SF and the Bay Area and I'm scared and feeling alone and a bit lost.

To begin with I need counseling, therapy and someone professional to talk to.

I also need any and all information about HRT and SRS that I can get.

Where do I start? Is The Center (on Market Street) a good place to talk to someone in person? Who do I talk to? What do I say?

What are my options?

First or second hand advice is very appreciated, particularly about how to deal with the pitfalls of Standards of Care and the malformed DSM-IV, how to deal with public intolerance, how to foster and nurture the courage to just be myself and be true to myself despite all of the ignorant bastards in this world.

Emotional and moral support is also appreciated.

Out of thread email replies may be directed to skirtsandmoreskirtsandmore@gmail.com - but please, be brave. Post here if you can. You might help someone else if you post here.

This ring, it vibrates?

Anonymous — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 07:01:30 -0800

Are vibrating cock rings any good? Which to try, which to avoid? Good from either partner's perspective? I'm in a het relationship, but for posterity I think answers about any relationship that involves at least one appendage capable of sporting one are fair.

Where did my morning wood go?

Anonymous — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 12:41:11 -0800

I never get morning erections anymore. Why? Here are some relevant items in my not-too-distant past. 1) I tried Propecia (for hair loss) about 3 years ago which made erections IMPOSSIBLE. 2) I had a damaging relationship with a woman who really fixated on my natural performance anxiety and made it the core issue of why she suddenly broke up with me 3) I have been drinking and smoking more cannabis of late and 4) I have tried what my friend calls "generic cialis" and while that gives me a little better (but not great) "traction" during the day, it doesn't seem to have an affect on the lack of morning stiffies.

smart online sex forums: lizard brains can wait outside

Anonymous — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 08:18:55 -0800

Is there a Metafilter about sex? I'm looking for an online forum where people discuss sex intelligently. All I can find are sites that are filled with juvenile comments and hookup sites. I know that there are specialized sites for people with various fetishes, but I'm looking for something more general. An open-minded community where people can discuss their experiences, fears, turn-ons, kinks, etc. It's fine if there are sub-sections for hookups and "I'd hit that"s, as long as there are more grown up sections, too.

I'm asking about this, because I was brought up not to discuss sex. It's always felt very freeing to me to be able to completely open up, but I don't have many real-life friends that would be into that. And it's freeing for me to hear from other people, even if their sexual orientation is totally different from mine. The web seems perfect for this sort of discussion, but I'm can't seem to find an intelligent site.

mylizardbrain@gmail.com

We're big and getting busy. How can we get busier?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 20:12:40 -0800

Sex positions for overweight people? NSFW details inside A friend and I recently began having sex, but have run into a problem. I'm a man, BTW.

I'm a bit overweight (6 feet, 225). She is obese (5'7', 200).

I tried missionary, but my penis had problems staying inside her, since I couldn't get it all the way in. After a bit of trying, I was able to climax.

I'm wondering what sorts of positions people like us can use for maximum pleasure.

Thanks!

What are the social benefits of pornography?

vizsla — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 18:25:32 -0800

Does porn benefit society? Over the years we've read a lot about the ills of pornography but the world doesn't seem to be falling apart any faster than it was before the internet came along. What's the latest thinking on this? For example, does anyone know of any studies, stories or anecdotes where the use of pornography helped someone or solved some sort of societal problem? Does it help pacify or inspire potential rapists? Does it keep marriages together or break them apart? From personal experience, I remember when I first saw pornography it opened up a whole new world of experience and excitement for me. Nowadays most of it for me is just like pleasant oggling of the bikini-clad page three girl in newspapers in days gone by. What's going on?

How can I stop thinking about the nasty?

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 11:20:46 -0800

I'm obsessed with sex. I think about it constantly. How can I make it stop? I'm 29 and still a technical virgin. I want to have sex, but can't seem to find a partner. I have had two past girlfriends, both of whom wanted to wait until marriage to have sex.

I find myself obsessed about sex. I think about it all the time. I watch porn when I get home from work. I'll stare at women's breasts and cleavage while I walk around. I hate that I do it. I've often thought about flying to Vegas and hiring a hooker, but can't bring myself to do it. I already masturbate daily, and two or three times each day on the weekend. It isn't enough.

Have any of you had success in stopping such pervasive thoughts? I'd like to stop thinking about sex, because I likely won't be getting any for a while

My groin wants what my brain doesn't!

Anonymous — Mon, 05 May 2008 07:12:20 -0800

The type of guy I like to spend time with isn't the type I like to have sex with. What now? Probably NSFW! I'm a good-looking, intelligent woman in my mid-20s and I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. We're pretty much blissfully happy. He's gorgeous, I love him, he loves me, we're simpatico, we want to grow old together, we've weathered some rough stuff (rainclouds, not typhoons) and come out stronger, and neither of us has been unfaithful.

However, although I'm extremely turned on by his looks, I'm not sexually attracted to his personality. The type of guy I enjoy being with (sweet, funny, kind, gentle, cute, boyish) isn't the type that turns me on (rough, rude, cruel, bossy, arrogant, dominant, older ... basically Martin Amis). I *loathe* the people I find sexy.

I've never reached orgasm with my bf; I can only orgasm when I masturbate to fantasies of being dragged around and degraded by the Type A douchebags of the world.

At first I thought I could be okay with having a mediocre sexual relationship with a guy I'm crazy about, but well ... now I'm here typing this.

I've already tried coaching my bf to be more sexually aggressive, but it's clear by now that it's just not in him. Is the relationship doomed? When I'm old, am I likely to feel like I wasted my 20s? Or should I just get over the whole sex thing? :-/

I think I'm straight. Now what?

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 11:33:23 -0800

After a long time in a lesbian relationship, I'm coming to the realization that I think I'm straight. I don't want to leave my wife (I really love her), but I can't stop thinking about men. Please help me figure this out. Sexually explicit details inside. NSFW When I met the woman who I ended up marrying, I had never thought about sexuality. I had had a very few relationships with men, but was very young. When she told me she was interested in me I thought I could give it a try, fell in love with her, and started identifying as bisexual.

At first the sex was awful (we were both inexperienced and had no idea how to have sex, never mind lesbian sex), but it got better. Over time, though, I found that I had the best orgasms when I fantasized about men during sex. It took a long time for me to tell her this, but I did, and she was fine with it. Eventually it came to be that I could only orgasm when I fantasize about men. She knows this too, and it doesn't bother or worry her at all.

It bothers and worries me. I feel like I'm not having sex with her, rather, I'm masturbating with a hands-free vibrator. I've tried not fantasizing, I've tried keeping my eyes open so that I can see her, and all it does is keep me from coming, make me frustrated, and tire out her arm.

Thinking about this, I've realized several things: I have never really checked out other women in a sexual way. I see a sexy woman and I think "I'd like to look like her" rather than "I'm sexually attracted to her." I look at men, though. The only times I've ever fantasized about women are in fantasies where men are watching me have sex with a woman, and still, the fun only starts when the man/men join in. All of my porn is straight porn, or else it pictures just one woman, and I always identify with the woman and not with the person off-scene who is playing with her.

Recently, my wife and I have pretty much stopped having sex. I know this is partly just a function of being in a ltr, but I feel more and more like we are best friends who happen to share a bed, rather than romantic partners. We've bought toys, we've watched porn, we've tried a bit of kink, but nothing seems to be bringing back the spark. I'm horny, but just don't want to have sex with her. She has said the same, but has said that I'm seeming colder and colder.

I love her so much. She is my world and my light and my heart. She takes care of me, makes me feel beautiful, makes me feel special, makes me want to be a good person. She's my best friend, my confidante, and I trust her implicitly.

Still, I fantasize about a stubbly chin nuzzling against my neck. I dream of being the shorter one in a hug. Of pressing my face against a flat chest, wrapping my arms around narrow hips. I think about sex with a man. A lot. Not any particular man, just a man.

Am I straight? How can I know if I'm straight as opposed to bisexual? Am I just stuck in a monogamy rut? Can I fix myself for this relationship or am I fucked? Am I going to come to a realization ten years down the road and leave my wife for a man, like so many of my older lesbian friends did in reverse? How can I prevent that from happening?

Help me overthink sex and romance.

bubukaba — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 16:35:49 -0800

What are some good books/essays/articles about human sexuality, sexual and romantic relationships, and sexual or otherwise affection-entangled activity - with an emphasis on the theoretical? I'm thinking more along the lines of Judith Butler than The Joy of Sex - so suggestions should be at least vaguely academic. (Things like Leaves of Grass count as vaguely academic). I'm asking for personal, not academic reasons - I'd like all the seemingly irrational stuff surrounding the emotional, social, psychological (and so on) aspects of this sort of thing to make more sense to me (or at least I'd like the fact that they're irrational to make more sense...).

In spite of my namedropping in the above-cut FPP, I haven't read much on these subjects, so even the most basic suggestions are welcome.

More than once every 52 seconds

StrikeTheViol — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 17:44:48 -0800

I feel my libido is too high. How can I normalize it healthily and deal with it? I'm 22, and I've noticed my desire increasing very sharply over the past year or so. It's getting in the way of other activities I have and making it difficult to keep up with studying, as I'll frequently become distracted when even obliquely reminded of arousing things, even more than my high school years. I masturbate at least once daily, often more, but it doesn't satisfy, regardless of how long I take doing it, even extending beyond an hour. I've been on antidepressants, but I've found that sexual feelings remain, whether or not I get an erection.

I haven't done anything illegal or even particulary antisocial other than flirting with some women already in relationships, but I'm still a virgin and I think the way I approach women unconsciously as a result of this has actually cost me several opportunities for sex and sex play, among other things. I've been to multiple therapists, responses ranging from "just wait and it'll decrease naturally" to "It's perfectly normal" and that I probably should be happy my sexual stamina is so high. Other resources I've found include a Mormon pamphlet advising dunking the genitals in icewater, and some people with physical sex addiction problems that seem far distant from my experiences. Is that really all there is?

Help me figure out what to do about my relationship.

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 21:02:49 -0800

Help me sort out my feelings about the relationship I’m in because I just can’t seem to figure it out. (long and complicated - sorry!) (I apologize in advance for the length and thank anyone who can actually read the whole thing and offer some insight.)

My girlfriend and I have been together for three years. I’m 25 and she’s 28. We are the somewhat stereotypical lesbian relationship: we met while we were in (unsatisfying) relationships with other people, left our respective partners to be together, became attached at the hip early on (once we started officially seeing each other we did not spend one night apart…. hardly ever), moved across the country together after only dating for six months, and now we live in a big city in a tiny one-bedroom apartment with a dog. We don’t have a lot of friends outside the relationship (a problem we’ve always recognized but never truly tried to fix) and we’re both homebodies for the most part. We even have lunch together almost every day during the week since our offices are close by. Most of the time, this is all okay and even great. I love spending time with her and never get sick of just “hanging out” with her.

When we first met, the sparks and chemistry and intensity was incredible. I have never felt that before in my life. In my heart, I truly felt that this is the person I want to spend my life with; this is the person that I want to grow old with. We connect in ways that I never connected with anyone – intellectually and otherwise.

After about six months to a year (shortly after moving in together), our sex life started to fizzle (think lesbian bed death syndrome). Then she told me that she has memories of being abused as a child, both physically and sexually, mostly the former. Her father was the source of her physical abuse, possibly the sexual abuse as well. In addition, her mother is completely in denial about any of the abuse taking place and has been the cause of my girlfriend having multiple emotional breakdowns since she has started to come to grips with her past abuse. She is in therapy and taking steps to heal and move past the abuse, but I believe it will be a long arduous process. I have done some reading about surviving abuse and the effects on intimate relationships and I won’t lie – I’m scared sh*tless. I’m worried that I am in a relationship that will never ever have satisfying sex again, that my girlfriend will always be the victim when we have arguments and use her past abuse as an excuse for her behavior, and I’m worried that I’ve gotten myself into something I don’t know how to handle.

Our sexual pattern goes something like this: I will initiate sex, usually in a nonverbal way like kissing her, and she will make it apparent that she isn’t interested. I feel disappointed, back down, and then later (either 10 minutes later or two days later, it doesn’t matter), SHE will initiate sex, usually verbally by asking me if I am interested. I generally accept the invitation, we have sex, and then we don’t have sex again for a while (this varies, lately the time between sex has been about two to four weeks). Tonight I told her that this pattern wasn’t working for me anymore, that I don’t like always being rejected only to be invited to have sex later on. Of course this is a control issue. She told me that she needs me to verbally ask her permission before doing anything physical with her – that she doesn’t like it when I start to kiss her, take her belt off, whatever it might be. I obliged to this request, but I feel like it is insane. I don’t know if I can have a sexual relationship with someone who needs me to spell out exactly what I want to do before I do it… like I need to get her to sign an imaginary permission slip before I’m allowed to make love to her. Besides making me feel like a pawn, it completely takes the spontaneity out of sex and kind of makes me not want to do it in the end.

Sometimes I really don’t even want to have sex with her because it is so predictable, so vanilla… I want her to take charge once and a while and do something crazy or different. But she’s only interested in nice, calm, Sarah McLachlan-y sex. Anything else freaks her out (including toys, different positions, etc.). She’s always worried that things will “trigger” her, which I respect and understand… it’s just incredibly disappointing.

Here’s the part where I make my big confession… I have been a less than stellar girlfriend in the faithfulness department. In the past year and a half I have cheated on her with three different people… two of those three people were ongoing affairs that lasted several months. They didn’t mean anything to me past the sex they provided… I was just so incredibly frustrated by the lack of sex in my relationship and so eager to find out what I was missing. They were fun, but that was it – I wasn’t in love with any of them, nor was I interested in prolonging the affairs past their prime. I ended things with the two ongoing people early this year and don’t intend to have any repeat performances. Yes, I got tested and everything was negative re STDs. My guilt was enough to make me realize that it was a mistake. I don’t know why I did it, really… but I think maybe I was just sabotaging this relationship because I’m so worried about the issues she has and the issues we have together. And I thought “oh, I’m young, I shouldn’t be sexless,” etc. etc. Stupid, yes. But it’s over and done with. And she doesn’t know what happened – I decided it would be a horrible idea to tell her because she’s already dealing with enough.

One of the reasons I don’t have a lot of platonic friends outside my relationship with my girlfriend is that I think I tend to sexualize friendships. That’s a different issue for a different post, but I felt I needed to say it here. Maybe one of the reasons I do it is because I feel very sexually repressed and I am subconsciously looking for an outlet in everyone that I meet. Generally, if I’m not sexually attracted to someone I don’t make much effort to have a friendship with them and we lose touch. Weird, yes.

Sometimes, crazy as it may seem, we have this seemingly perfect life together… we’re thinking about the future together and where we might be living in the next year (we might be moving out of the area so she can pursue grad school), and I’m always imagining the house we’ll live in and the life we can build together. But are my hopes for our future overshadowing the problems in our relationship, and is going along with whatever she wants when she wants it just going to dig me in deeper to issues that I am not prepared to deal with?

We went to couples therapy once last year and it was absolutely not helpful for me. Partly because our therapist had this “I don’t keep secrets” policy, so I could never tell her about my infidelities if I wanted her to keep them confidential. But also because I have a hard time talking about serious stuff face to face with a total stranger. Hence the AskMe post.

I feel as though there is a lot more to mention here that I am neglecting to include… mostly I just worry about being the constantly supportive girl in the relationship while my needs are being pushed aside because hers are more important… something like that.

Help?

Where can I find help in dealing with a sexual fetish?

ninepin — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 21:42:25 -0800

Where can I find therapy which will allow me to understand / cope with / overcome a fetish? Since early adolescence I've been attracted to watching women smoke. For many years I never understood these feelings and prior to the dawn of the internet just figured there was something "different" about me and that I was likely the only one on earth who felt this way. I've often tried to comfort myself in the fact that, as far as "fetishes" are concerned, this one is relatively benign (doesn't involve children, humiliation, pain, barnyard animals, etc) and that I should somehow learn to accept it, however I'm very uncomfortable with it in general and it has definitely interfered with my goal of obtaining a loving, committed relationship.

I've read most of what I could find online in regards to the psychology behind sexual fetishes and most of it has been rather vague and deals more with learning to accept / find a healthy outlet for these feelings instead of ridding oneself of them. I know that since I've been "this way" for so long (I'm now 33) it is unlikely that I'll ever be completely free of this but it is imperative that I find some sort of help or resolution. Negative feelings about my sexuality have brought about drug & alcohol abuse, bulimia, depression, and social isolation. Over the years I've contemplated everything from chemical castration to suicide. And the situation is complicated further by the fact I'm grossly uncomfortable actually "talking" about it. (in fact, this post is only the 2nd time I've ever actually admitted it) I revealed it to my most recent partner who I was deeply in love with at the time and the results were unfortunately, quite horrible.

I've read that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has yielded some success when it comes to sexual fetishes but I have no idea where to start, what results are realistic to expect, or how to find someone who has experience with helping those with fetishes. I know the mind can be incredibly malleable and many aspects of my fetish have changed / evolved over time but my ultimate goal is to experience "normal" sexual attraction to the female body.

I guess my question boils down to:
A) Where can I find a therapist who has experience in dealing with sexual fetishes.
B) What types of results are realistic to expect from treatment?

If anyone would rather respond privately I can be reached via effinconfused@gmail.com

PMS. WTF.

Ambrosia Voyeur — Mon, 02 Jul 2007 09:35:21 -0800

What is the evolutionary relevance of PMS?

What am I?

Anonymous — Sun, 03 Jun 2007 09:32:22 -0800

I am confused about my sexuality. I'm 21, female, very little sexual experience (all with men--I've never even kissed a woman). While I identify as "straight" to society at large, I'm confused if that's what I actually am. I've always been a bit of a tomboy and always had "girl crushes," on celebrities and on people I know, though they're never really "sexual" in nature. I want to kiss girls and be affectionate with them, but I don't want to have sex with them. On the other hand, I want to have sex with men, but don't ever feel myself compelled to kiss them or hold hands or be affectionate with them. My sexual fantasies pretty much all involve men; my "romantic" fantasies all women. If I could sum up my problem, it would be this: I am sexually attracted to men, but emotionally attracted to women. How can I reconcile these conflicting ideas? As it stands, I'm not getting any--no sex, no affection--because I've yet to find someone (of either gender) who makes me fire on both cylinders, so to speak. To further complicate things, I think other people read me as "asexual" (probably because of my own confusion) and so I have little real-world experience to experiment with being with either men or women in either a sexual or romantic capacity.

I'm looking for any insight or advice that could help me further understand and figure out my sexuality. Email can be sent to sexconfused@gmail.com. Thanks in advance.

How best to overcome impotence?

Jake Apathy — Thu, 31 May 2007 23:14:34 -0800

How best to overcome impotence? I feel really horrible about myself right now. So, I just had a sexual experience with a girl that I'm dating, and I was unable to 'get it up.' Naturally, I feel horrible and kind of worthless.

There are the short term fears - what if she never wants to be sexual with me again? What if she tells her (our) friends about this?

But there are also the longer-term fears. The last two times I've tried to have sex, this has happened to me. The last time I tried (and failed) was a year and a half ago. The last time I successfully had sex was over two years ago. What if this impotence is a permanent thing?

Are medicines like viagra worthwhile? Can psychologists help? How can I find one that will be helpful?

Also, is there any way I can salvage my (casual) relationship with this woman? I really like her alot, and would hate to lose her because of this.

More graphic details -

I'm very skilled at giving head. Tonight, I was able to bring the woman to climax, which was awesome. So, I know that she enjoyed herself. Still, I wasn't able to get it up, and I'm afraid that will ruin our dynamic. I blamed the problem on condoms, which was partially true - condoms make it hard for me to keep an erection. However, I do definitely have a problem.

When I'm by myself, I have no trouble maintaining an erection and coming. However, being naked with another person makes it difficult for me to maintain an erection. I know that I'm not gay or anything, because all my fantasies are about women. However, most of my fantasies are of a BDSM nature, and I've kind of given up on finding a partner for BDSM activities since I'm a sub male and dominant females are hard to find. In the past, I've been able to think about my fantasies while having sex, and that's helped me keep my erection. However, that isn't working for me anymore.

Also, I should mention that I was abused as a child. Mentally and physically, and also sexually to some degree. I know that I should see a psychologist, but I have a terrible time with psychologists - I haven't been able to find a good one in my city, and I've tried multiple times. It seems like most of them need psychologists themselves.

Anyway, what I'm thinking I should do is get some viagra or something in the short term, and then somehow find a psychologist who can help me through this mess.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Recommendations for films to improve your sex life?

Anonymous — Tue, 27 Mar 2007 06:37:36 -0800

Neither my boyfriend nor I have a particularly high libido, and we make love once every few weeks or so. We've discovered, though, that we really enjoy watching good movies that are also....well....hot. And I do mean good films -- not porn -- that also are sexual. (Sex & Lucia, Shortbus, etc.) We enjoy watching a film, find it arousing, and then we have great sex! I'm curious what other films are out there that tell a good story....have strong character development....and are sexy. Any recommendations?

How to become a sex goddess?

Anonymous — Sun, 04 Feb 2007 00:01:33 -0800

SexualityFilter: I was raised as a strict religious conservative, but have realized that's just not me and I am starting over. I'd like to learn a lot more about myself, sexually. What tips and books do you have to help give a 23 year old woman sexual knowledge and confidence? I'm in the process of getting a divorce and moving to another city to start my new life. The marriage had a lot of roots in the religious indoctrination and fell apart as I grew away from it. The sex was mediocre and infrequent. We were both virgins.

This wasn't the best atmosphere to develop into a satisfied sexual being. Now, I'd like to learn more about satisfying myself... establishing a baseline for my own pleasure, if you will. Once I have that, translating that to a damn fine time with a partner would be fantastic ;)

I'm looking for helpful books or web pages that may assist me on my journey.

A few things just for information:
- I took a Human Sexuality class at university, as well as having the internet, so I know the mechanics.
- Although when I was religious, I never thought about it because it was "evil", I've now discovered I also like women as well as men. Any books suggestions for bisexual or lesbian aspects would also be helpful.

Make my girlfriend more confident so we can have better sex

Anonymous — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 07:10:30 -0800

My partner loves going down on me. She loves kissing me once or twice, briefly sucking me like a lollipop, and is uneasy about doing anything more, which ends up being frustrating for both of us. I have tried cajoling her into being more adventurous, begging her not to stop after thirty seconds, encouraging her to go further. I was hoping that I could make her feel that we can both get more enjoyment out of it, but all I have achieved is making her feeling like crap, convincing her that she cannot satisfy me and will always underperform as much as she expects. She says she is afraid of gagging and puking if she takes me in any deeper or if I come inside her mouth while at the same time acknowledging that these fears are irrational. She used to be similarly squeamish about any kind of oral sex, but after getting over her fears found out that she loved both going down on me and me going down on her.

Some of her ideas about sex are, as far as I can tell, unusual. She finds her vulva disgusting, and is grossed out by the idea of touching it. Although she will touch herself or use toys during sex, she will only ever use the showerhead when she (very rarely) does masturbate on her own, and never touched herself before we met. She will not touch my penis again once it has been in contact with her vulva. I have tried to make her feel better about it, telling her that it does not gross me out, that it looks very nice and that I enjoy going down on her, again with little success. She rarely initiates sex, and gets distracted, turning me off by talking about random things.

We were having sex one warm afternoon and she forgot that her mother was coming to drop off some stuff. When the doorbell rang, she panicked, refused to ignore it like I suggested, and got dressed while telling me "you don't understand, it's my mom, I can't do this if she's there, she's really mean". In many ways, she is still as a child hiding her own sexuality in front of her mother. I feel that her not being confident and comfortable about her own sexuality is the deeper problem, and that her reluctances are symptoms of that.

We are both 22, and have been together for three years, living together for two. She was a virgin when we met. Her parents are pretty much agnostic and seem to have a very normal sex life. Psychoanalysis books on the topic are on their living room bookshelves – they don't treat sex like something that should be hidden.

Can I help her feel better about herself, feel better about enjoying sex, maybe understand where this insecurity could come from? On an easier note, can I get better blowjobs in the meanwhile?

Followup questions can go here

how does it feel to have your period?

krautland — Thu, 19 Oct 2006 12:44:17 -0800

how does it feel to have your period? I like flying coach. the seats are close enough that you can listen in on the most interesting conversations and experience the most intriguing smells.

there was a couple in the row behind me yesterday on my way back from happyland and they weren't happy. she, in her twenties and nothing short of stunning, seemed to have rejected his advances earlier that day. I didn't think they were going to shout or do anything else highly comedic, so I was about to tune out when she said something that sparked my interest.

"You would be pissed too if you knew you were about to get kicked in the nuts for the next week."

oh, shit.

there isn't a lot that's really worse than getting a good, hard kick into your nuts. it makes you want to puke, cry and laugh hysterically at the same time and I blame an incident much like this one for the existence of the bee gees, tax codes and the republican party. but something tells me a woman can never really know what this feels like, just as much as I think a man can never really know what having the period feels like. unless of course the hive mind, which proved quite capable here, interfers with another exceptional explanation.

so how does it feel to have your period?