Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and sexual

Are those gosh durned kids really having as much free love as the Tv says?

reenum — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 12:24:24 -0800

How accurate are the media portrayals of young people engaging in risky sexual behaviors? Recently, I've noticed that a lot of media outlets seem to be sensationalizing the sexual practices of people in their teens and 20's. These sources would have you believe that these groups are always 'hooking up', they prefer oral sex to kissing, and that now engage in sexual activity first and date if the experience is positive. Things along those lines.

I'm 30, so I was a teen in the early 90's. I find it hard to believe that sexual mores have changed all that much in the last 15 years. Obviously, I don't get much action, so I can't speak from experience. Have things really become as open and free as the media would have us believe?

Are there any studies or news stories that give statistics of how prevalent sexual activity and risky sexual behaviors are in teens and twentysomethings? Anecdotes are also welcome.

Sublimation—does it work?

Busoni — Sun, 10 May 2009 11:17:02 -0800

Is the theory of sublimation—the idea of channeling sexual energy into creative or physical output—still considered valid? Is there evidence that it "works"? I was reading a biography of Leonardo da Vinci, written fairly recently, as I recall, by a surgeon and science writer (Sherwin Nuland). In it, he states somewhat matter-of-factly the likelihood of Leonardo having channeled his homosexual desires into his art, such that expressions of his libido were nonexistent. This is paraphrasing, but that was the essential message. Now, I'm not an expert in psychology, but I thought such reliance on Freudian terms was odd. But since it was from an actual medical doctor, not a literature professor (which would have been less surprising), I began to wonder if there was something to it.

So, my question: is there evidence that this concept of sublimation is valid? Can a person make better art and be more productive by curtailing sexual activity? And conversely, can a person diminish or eliminate sexual desire by committing himself to his art or profession? I'll take personal anecdotes as well as second-hand ones.

How can I stop thinking about knocking boots with every lady I see?

Anonymous — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 10:57:13 -0800

I'm having pervasive sexual thoughts. How do I make them stop? (NSFW) I'm a 30 year old male. I've only had one sexual relationship in my life. I look at porn almost everyday, and have a large selection of porn mags.

Recently, whenever I see a woman who is even a little attractive, I start having thoughts of myself and the woman having sex. I can't seem to stop these thoughts.

I've got an appointment with my therapist next week, but what can I do in the interim to make these thoughts less pervasive?

Help my kill my sex drive and save my relationship.

anonymous account — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 21:17:35 -0800

I am a 30 year old male who wants more sex than my partner, which causes all kinds of frustration and resentment on both sides. What can I do to lower my libido? I want to have sex way more often than my partner does. This leads to immense frustration on my part, and irritation/sadness on hers. I know this is the biggest relationship cliche out there, but this time, I'm the one who is going to change. I honestly don't think that there's any possible way to get her more interested in fucking me.

When we do have sex it is usually pretty amazing for both of us (she certainly isn't motivated enough to fake her orgasms, so that part is legit), it's just that it doesn't happen as often as I'd like it to (I'd consider once a week or 6 times a month to be a very good stretch). I'll ask her for a handjob or blowjob and you'd think I just asked if I could shit in her mouth (literal disgusted reaction).

I am very open with her in describing my sexual desires. I am not asking for anything crazy at all, I just don't want her to have to guess at what I want. Usually this leads to her calling me a "jerk" and falling asleep.

It's getting to the point where I'm completely over it. I don't want to cheat on her, and I'm happy with all other aspects of the relationship. We own a house together, we will likely be married in the next few years, have plans for the future, etc.

We have been together for about 8 years. The sex thing has been an issue for us for about the last 5-6 years (basically ever since she started her career). She knows how I feel (a couple months ago after a bit of a dry spell, I had a crying breakdown and told her that I felt trapped in the relationship due to her lack of sexual interest) but seems unwilling/unable to change.

I want to do something (other than masturbate 3 or 4 times a day) that will greatly lower or even eliminate my sex drive. I want to avoid masturbation as well as that turns into a huge time waster for me, and sometimes starts to escalate into areas that I'm not really comfortable with anyway.

We will eventually want to have kids, so whatever I try shouldn't be permanent.

How can my wife and I enjoy better sex in the morning?

Anonymous — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 14:03:24 -0800

How can my wife and I enjoy better sex in the morning, when I wear out quickly and she can't get on top? (Possibly NSFW) My wife and I are in our mid-thirties, with two kids. We have great sex, which up till recently was only at night. With both kids now in school, we've been trying to make love in the morning as well before I go to work (my wife works out of the house).

The problem is that, especially in the morning, I wear out quickly. I have some back problems, and the drugs I take for them make it difficult for me to keep going for a while. We usually make love in the rear-entry "doggy-style" position, because the only other position we've had much luck with is missionary, and that's just too much for my back. Unfortunately, with that position, I just get worn out quickly enough that I have to stop and rest often, which means I then have to get hard again so we can resume the activities.

The obvious followup question is, then, why don't we try a position with her on top? Well, unfortunately, by a cruel coincidence, my wife has arthritis in both knees, and can't handle those positions for more than a minute or two. The only place we've had any success with this kind of position is in a hot tub, where the buoyancy of the water helped out, but alas we have no hot tub at home nor any place to put one.

So, does anyone have any ideas how we can make this work? Any easily-hidden, not-too-expensive equipment we could buy that would help? All reasonable suggestions are welcome. Thanks!

great guy, bad sex, what should i do?

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 13:46:57 -0800

great guy, bad sex, what should i do? Here's my dilemma. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and 1/2. And we have just moved in together. He is an amazingly sweet, caring person, and makes me feel loved and important. We have the same interests, and can laugh together. So what's the problem:

The problem is that i have never been particularly sexually attracted to him. This is complicated by the fact that he suffers from premature ejaculation, and i don't just mean a little bit. I mean less than a minute, each time. And we've tried to work on it. We've talked about it. I've been very patient and sensitive about it. It has not gotten better. He said that with his ex, who he was together with for 5 years, that it got 'a bit' better, like maybe 2 or 3 min.

Sex is important to me. Sex with him isn't awful, but its not satisfying, either. And, I think it is making me less attracted to him in general. Although, as i said, i was never super attracted to him. He kind of grew on me because he is such a nice person. I feel like a jerk, and i'm thinking of ending it with him. Not JUST because of the premature ejaculation issue, but because of the general lack of sexual chemistry.

Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do? Advice, please?

What biologically causes the pleasure associated with an orgasm?

WCityMike — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 17:46:54 -0800

What are the underlying processes occurring during an orgasm that are the biological causes of the pleasurable sensation we associate with it? Is the sensation of orgasm a function of the nervous system, or is it something neurochemical in the brain, or both, or neither? Is the reason that certain masturbatory and/or sexual acts feel good because of nerve concentration in the erogenous areas, or is it something different or more in nature? I'm primarily interested in answers relating to the male orgasm ... as I expect the male orgasm and the female orgasm may have different biological processes given the different anatomy?

And just to ward off any wisenheimers, I obviously understand the idea of Act A produces Obvious Biological Result B and Happy Sensation C. What I'm curious about is the underlying medical process behind that equation.

Can you hear me now, you horny bastard?

Anonymous — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 18:27:05 -0800

Good examples of heterosexual audio erotica or porn, please? Doesn't matter if it's real or faked, just as long as it's good and hot. Scorching hot. Tear the clothes off your significant other, RIGHT NOW GODDAMIT, hawt.

Audio books, podcasts, CDs, whatever, we're open to various mediums. Even if there's a particular movie that sounds hot, that'll work also, just as long as it doesn't have to be watched, merely listened to.

romancing romania

crazylegs — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 05:58:47 -0800

What is sex like in Romania? What are the common attitudes towards various sexual practices in Romania? How is a person from Romania likely to feel about: oral sex, anal sex, different positions, gay sex, threesomes, etc.? Are there any attitudes, enthusiasms, or taboos that are unique to Romania?

How best to overcome impotence?

Jake Apathy — Thu, 31 May 2007 23:14:34 -0800

How best to overcome impotence? I feel really horrible about myself right now. So, I just had a sexual experience with a girl that I'm dating, and I was unable to 'get it up.' Naturally, I feel horrible and kind of worthless.

There are the short term fears - what if she never wants to be sexual with me again? What if she tells her (our) friends about this?

But there are also the longer-term fears. The last two times I've tried to have sex, this has happened to me. The last time I tried (and failed) was a year and a half ago. The last time I successfully had sex was over two years ago. What if this impotence is a permanent thing?

Are medicines like viagra worthwhile? Can psychologists help? How can I find one that will be helpful?

Also, is there any way I can salvage my (casual) relationship with this woman? I really like her alot, and would hate to lose her because of this.

More graphic details -

I'm very skilled at giving head. Tonight, I was able to bring the woman to climax, which was awesome. So, I know that she enjoyed herself. Still, I wasn't able to get it up, and I'm afraid that will ruin our dynamic. I blamed the problem on condoms, which was partially true - condoms make it hard for me to keep an erection. However, I do definitely have a problem.

When I'm by myself, I have no trouble maintaining an erection and coming. However, being naked with another person makes it difficult for me to maintain an erection. I know that I'm not gay or anything, because all my fantasies are about women. However, most of my fantasies are of a BDSM nature, and I've kind of given up on finding a partner for BDSM activities since I'm a sub male and dominant females are hard to find. In the past, I've been able to think about my fantasies while having sex, and that's helped me keep my erection. However, that isn't working for me anymore.

Also, I should mention that I was abused as a child. Mentally and physically, and also sexually to some degree. I know that I should see a psychologist, but I have a terrible time with psychologists - I haven't been able to find a good one in my city, and I've tried multiple times. It seems like most of them need psychologists themselves.

Anyway, what I'm thinking I should do is get some viagra or something in the short term, and then somehow find a psychologist who can help me through this mess.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Is engaging in oral sex normal behavior for girls these days?

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 21:58:44 -0800

Is it socially acceptable for girls to engage in oral sex with different guys she has only met at parties? I just recently had unprotected oral sex with a girl on the belief that she had only one partner before me and that I would be able to get a long-term relationship out of it. You know that was the first time I had any kind of sex and according to her I'm still a virgin since oral sex doesn't count as "real sex". As she's driving me home, I ask her about us and our future. I asked her "why can't we a have long-term relationship?" ok I didn't ask it exactly like that, but I remember saying asking it in a way where I was sure I wouldn't scare her off. She answered that she doesn't think it's feasible--because we both knew it would have to be a long distance relationship--but then she added that I "still have a chance down the road", meaning 2-3 years from now when I get out of college. By the way she's moved out of her parents house while I'm still living at mine and she's graduating from college this may. Knowing all those things really bothered me and I felt, compared to her,I was complete loser. Luckily I knew better to never bring those things up when talking to her thanks to men's magazines. Anyways, I feared those were reasons why she didn't want a long-term or serious relationship in the first place. Well, our relationship took off more than ever after the sex, because we were able to talk about our sexual fantasies and masturbation over the phone; but then she mentioned about her previous experiences giving blowjobs at parties. I lost her when I overreacted over this one--you know kinda of like the character Dante from "Clerks".

It's funny because she kept telling me that she's not easy to get with or a slut, yet she tells me she's went to parties in the past and given blowjobs to guys and she intends to continue doing it in the future. Later after asking her, she does still talk to these guys which make me wonder. She once told me she use to go to church with her parents and she has future plans on going back after college. She doesn't believe in premarital sex and she now she feels bad for having sex with her ex-boyfriend back when they were together.

I brought all this up and proved to her that oral sex is real sex despite how she tried to prove to me wrong initially through wikpedia; but according to her only vaginal intercourse counts as sex and I haven't lost my virginity quite yet in her book. I don't care about my virginity status. In fact, I really hate to believe in such a thing like virginity. I only cared about having her companionship.

What I don't get is, why does a girl who purport herself as this decent, intelligent, Christian girl rebel like this in college? I guess she just wants to have fun that is precisely what her intentions were with me, while I wanted a long-term relationship. What bothers me the most is the the possibly that I was just another guy to her or a fling. I confronted her about this and she didn't deny that I wasn't another guy to her she gave a blowjob to. I don't know, maybe I tuned it out, because I can't remember her once professing her feelings for me like I have to her.

So, again, the main questions is: do all girls go to parties and act wild in this way? and Am I going to have to hear about this behavior from the next girl I date? Do all girls engage in oral sex on the belief it has no emotional or physical consequences? I'm not just talking about nice church going girls , but what about attractive atheist girls? Is it normal? Also, I don't know if metione this before but she said she was on her period two days prior to use having oral sex, so shold I get test not just because of that fact but becuase it was oral sex? I'm asking you ladies out there by the way, but if you guys know anything about a typical girl's lifestyle then your comments are welcomed also.

I'm cool with her Promiscuity right now, not cool with that possibility that i was used. I've imagined that being used wouldn't be so bad, but I wanted more in the relationship. Then again, she's right. We are too incompatible and the belief that we can reconcile and at least keep a friendship is false hope. We fought two times already on the phone and hung up each other believing that was the last we were going to here from each other. Each time, on the phone, I kept begging for friendship making myself look needy--not only that but I believe I lost all what little respect she had for me and my dignity--but we all know the reason why I want friendship is because I believe friendship will lead to a serious adult relationship.

Perhaps I should become a Buddhist monk and leave the situation.

Jake Apathy — Sat, 17 Jun 2006 11:16:02 -0800

Wow. My sexuality is really messed up. I was abused by my mother as a child. In addition to physical and emotional abuse, I was abused sexually to a degree. We never had sex or anything, but there was definitely a degree of touching and kisssing that is inappropriate for a mother/child relationship. This is in addition to all of the inappropriate other things she would do - walk around the house partially clothed, show me movies that were inappropriate for my age, and make various comments about sex that you would never want to hear from your mother. She was what my psychologist refers to as a "seductive mother."

Once I reached puberty, I started to get the feeling that the touching between my mother and myself was gross and wrong. I drew away from her, and didn't want to be touched at all - not even hugged. She would not accept this, and insisted on touching me anyway. Whenever I would object, she would make fun of me and tease me for it.

As a result, I developed a serious fear of intimacy. I've never been able to have normal relationships with women. I'm in my late 20s, and the longest relationship I've ever had was 4 months. I've probably had sex less than 25 times in my life. To be honest, I don't even really enjoy sex or being touched. The only way I've ever been able to have sex is to spend the whole time thinking about my sexual fantasies, which inevitably tend towards the BDSM end of things. I've had a number of problems that most likely relate to this, everything from substance abuse to OCD.

So, what to do?

I've been seeing a psychologist, and he's made some suggestions that I'm really skeptical about. He has suggested that I start visiting a massage parlor to become accustomed to being touched. He came close to suggesting that I go to a "happy ending" massage parlor, except that I objected strenuously before he could finish. He also suggested that I see a sexual surrogate. This is something that I object to, but I really don't know why. I guess it's not unethical to see a sexual surrogate. It's just gross, in my opinion.

Is my shrink giving me bad advice? Should I see a different one? Does anyone else have experience overcoming sexual abuse (that they want to talk about)?

I should also mention that I've suffered from interstitial cystitis for most of my life. I'm currently taking elmiron for it, which has helped drastically (I was this guy). For the first time in my life, I'm physically capable of having a sexual relationship, but I'm too neurotic to actually handle sex. Also, due to my condition, I can't drink alcohol, and after I have an orgasm, I must spend at least a half hour doing stretches. Has anyone here managed to find a healthy and fulfilling sex/dating life in spite of IC?

How do I give my lady friend an orgasm?

Anonymous — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 07:03:21 -0800

What do I have to do to give my lady friend an orgasm? I've been seeing this girl for a while. We're both in our 20's. Everything is going great, except that she has never had an orgasm. Ever. Not even by her own hand. We are both sexually experienced and have been with several prior partners. I like to think I know what I'm doing--I can find the G spot--but I've never run into such a tough case as this one.

I can find her clit. She says it feels good, but it plateaus at a certain point and never goes any further.
She said that a doctor (a nonspecialist) once told her that "some women just can't have an orgasm." While this may be true on some level, I got the feeling it was just a dismissive answer--the guy didn't do any sort of examination. She has basically accepted the diagnosis (which is easy to do if you don't know what you're missing!)

I'm not interested so much in crazy sex tricks (I realize there has been a question on that) as much as I am in hearing from women who have been in a similar situation and got over it--ie, those who were sexually active for a while without ever having had an orgasm, until one day, everything changed. What did it take? How common is it, actually, for women to be unable to have an orgasm?

[She is not on any prescription medication, and has no history of chronic illness/mental illness.]

Need help in choosing a psychologist.

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Nov 2005 13:17:54 -0800

Need help in choosing a psychologist. I need to find a psychologist or social worker. Here's my deal -

Male. Late 20's. Was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused as a child and adolescent by my mother. Difficulty being intimate and forming relationships with women, despite being heterosexual. Self esteem/self hatred issues. Lots of problems.

Here are my questions -

1. Should I choose a Psychologist or Social Worker? Psychologists seem to me like a better option since they have to go through more schooling, but this could just be a bias on my part. (Psychiatrists are not an option since I oppose medication)

2. Should I choose a male or female therapist? Common sense would dictate "male," since I am male and have problems with women. However, it is possible that a woman could be more helpful and offer insight that a male therapist couldn't.

3. What questions should I ask when interviewing possible therapists over the phone, to help determine whether they can help me or not? I'm new in town, and a referral isn't really possible.

4. I have the World's Worst Insurance (tm), and the psychologists that I have called seem offended that I got their number from my insurance database. Why is this? Should I avoid telling them where I got their number? Right now, my only option is to choose a random name from this big list of providers that my insurance gives me. (And yes, I do need to see someone in-network, even though the people most likely to help me don't even take insurance)

I hope this isn't too heavy of a subject. I normally am not a fan of "therapyfilter," however, I don't really have anyplace else to turn on this. I can't very well ask a psychologist!