Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and romance

Bedtime stories

Anonymous — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 08:13:01 -0800

Find me stories (books, movies, links, anecdotes) of how two ordinary, quiet, straight middle-aged people met, and learned to care for each other. I like to fantasise before I go to sleep. I build the fantasies gradually up into romantic/sexual masturbatorial aid. Romance novels are crap for this because they have gorgeous young heroines with an uncanny ability to flirt and young Fabios eager to engage in rigorous and prolonged intercourse with them. They are not helpful in with my fantasy construction - I have to be able to imagine me in the story, and I am not gorgeous nor young nor can I flirt. However, I’ve worn out old memories & scenarios and need new vanilla-ish ones.

Good examples are from the first kiss thread excepting of course, that I’m a couple of decades (or more) past first kiss, so those precise scenarios won’t ring true for me. The guy helping out with the car and the hot chocolate here sounds like an ideal candidate, but I’d like a bit more padding to the story, like when & how does he approach their first night together sort of thing.

I’m introverted, so plain old fashioned dating is not a tranquil fantasy setting for me. Instead, how about enforced togetherness (snowed into a cabin, hostage situation, I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking) where I can impress with trivia, and active listening, but not be on dating display and he can snuggle with impunity (must cuddle to stay warm, needs to support my impressive gunshot wound, that sort of thing). My hero needn’t be a rich man or particularly fit, he mostly needs intelligence and kindness, and that will make him hot to me, and of course, it helps if he finds geeky, creative women sexy, even if they are over 40 and not girly-girly.

So stories please of ordinary, quiet, straight middle-aged couples meeting and lusting. Throwaway email: fantasy.enhancement@gmail.com

the DDD's of Love

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 07:19:56 -0800

Is there such a thing as a dating site for ONLY big breasted women? I think at this point, I know what it is, really, that I want in a woman. I want good conversation. I want a darker sense of humor. And I want someone who can be ready to leave the house in 10 minutes flat.

And physically, what I'm attracted to, for whatever reason, are really large natural breasts. And no amount of searching for specific body types has helped me find these women on traditional dating sites

So my question is: do LEGIT specific sites exist that cater to women with big breasts and the men who want to date them?

how to boost libido in a long-term relationship

monkeygenius — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:09:54 -0800

Help us (straight couple in our late twenties) fix our sex life so we can stay together. I'm a woman in a two year relationship with a man also in his late twenties. We've been together for two years. We've lived together for a year, but as he puts it, "we've basically been living together since the beginning." He has never lived with anyone before, but I have. We've had our share of problems, but both of us think we have a really good thing going. The major exception right now is the sex.

We both enjoy sex when we have it, but that's rarely more than once a month. I'm not particularly turned on because I don't feel very desired. He says he just doesn't feel the urge as often as he used to. This has been going on for over a year, but first was attributed to depression/anxiety (he's now on Wellbutrin), then to a need for some personal space, an issue which is now much better.

Typically he has a higher libido, and while neither one of us thinks we're doing it often enough, he just doesn't feel like having sex very often. Me coming on to him doesn't work either. (I've also tried not changing clothes in front of him, wearing nice things to bed, and leaving him alone about it).

The main problem, he says, is that sex is not related to emotions for him; it's more about the thrill of the chase. I realize that this is true of a lot of people, but here it's true to the point of causing problems.

As far as I can tell, emotional intimacy and sexual desire are inversely correlated for him. One idea I had was to try to shift something in the bedroom, not necessarily for further excitement, but just to break us out of habit (sort of like switching which side of the bed you sleep on).

So, two parts to the question, I guess. 1) what are some general things we can do to boost his libido? and 2) what are some things we can try to break out of our routine, that don't involve costumes or toys? (neither of us is prudish, we just don't get into that).

We agree that we're at the point of progressing to marriage, but neither of us wants to do so unless this issue is resolved. Please help us.

My German car is ruining my perfect American Date

rileyray3000 — Tue, 27 May 2008 16:18:59 -0800

I would like to go to the drive in on a date in my Audi. The problem? The persistent beep that happens with the key engaged and the seatbelt unfastened. Help me conquer this inconvenience so I can get lucky in one of the classic American dating pastimes. So I have a 2006 Audi A4 2.0T. I love it. Especially that sport gear. You drop it into S and you've got the thrust of the space shuttle. In fact there is only one way in one situation that I don't love my car. And this is it.

I want to go to the drive in over in City of Industry. It's great. It's accessible. They even make fresh churros. And, ideally, for my 7 dollar admission price, I'd like to watch the first movie, then, during the second film, I'd like to make the moves on the girl in the passenger seat like George McFly in Back to the Future.

Only one problem

The advanced machine that the Audi is, when you're seated in the car, and the key is engaged (as it will need to be for the stereo system to play the movie sounds) the car can sense it. And when you or your front seat passenger unbuckle with the key engaged you get a beep. An annoying beep that kicks in about once every 30 seconds.

I know. It's a profoundly useful safety feature. But for our purposes, if we are both wearing the belts, that is SERIOUSLY going to cut into my ability to slip her the arm. And NOT wearing the belts, you get the beep. Which, unless I can find some way to profoundly deafen my date, will eventually take her out of the moment I am trying to create.

So how do I hack this **ckblocking german car?

Here's what I have considered so far. None of these are ideal scenarios but I don't want anyone duplicating the effort.

1) Connect the belts and sit on top of them - I did this. It is not comfortable.

2) Sit in the back seat and move the front seats ALL the way forward and tilt the seat tops all the way back - This works, but doing so has made more than one female friend of mine question why I was trying to get her into the back seat when I ran it by her. I'm guessing it might take her more out of the moment than the beep. Plus no access to the cupholders.

3) Take a rental car - No guarantee that the beep won't happen in the new car. Plus, not as comfy as the audi.

4) Take a boombox stereo to play from the back seat - Kind of a clunky solution given that it essentially kills the great audio from the audi. And it rules out the impulse jump to the backseat should that happen entirely on its own.

Right now, #4 is the best solution but it's not a good one. So if anyone has any idea how to kill the bells and whistles on a car with lots of bells and whistles, I'm open to the idea.

Help me overthink sex and romance.

bubukaba — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 16:35:49 -0800

What are some good books/essays/articles about human sexuality, sexual and romantic relationships, and sexual or otherwise affection-entangled activity - with an emphasis on the theoretical? I'm thinking more along the lines of Judith Butler than The Joy of Sex - so suggestions should be at least vaguely academic. (Things like Leaves of Grass count as vaguely academic). I'm asking for personal, not academic reasons - I'd like all the seemingly irrational stuff surrounding the emotional, social, psychological (and so on) aspects of this sort of thing to make more sense to me (or at least I'd like the fact that they're irrational to make more sense...).

In spite of my namedropping in the above-cut FPP, I haven't read much on these subjects, so even the most basic suggestions are welcome.

Hot-blooded, check it and see / got a fever of 312.594444° Kelvin ...

WCityMike — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 11:23:45 -0800

There are gay bars, lesbian bars, and leather bars. Are there "geek bars"? In geek culture, what institution, meeting, or whatever serves the purpose that "meat market" single bars do amongst the non-geeky populace? One might define a "meat market" singles bar as a recreational locale where people know that those within are there within a romantic context. Are there geek equivalents?

I am contemplating going out and trying my hand in "normal" singles bars here in Chicago. However, I think I would much prefer "girl geeks" — women who actually have a brain in their heads, and who would have a much higher likelihood of sharing some of my interests. (Intellect is sexy.) Plasticine women who are looking to latch onto the next golden ticket to walk into the bar are a bit unpleasant to be around. (Just as are plasticine men who are looking only for plasticine just-off-the-factory-line women.)

Or, to put it another way, where is there a bar or locale where there's a much higher probability that if I say "Starbuck" to a woman, she's going to respond "I love her! She's such a hardass!", not "I love their double-dip nonfat decaf whipped mochatrickalatte!"

Where/what is the geek/nerd "meat market" — i.e., a place where, by default, it's fairly safe to assume that those around you are also looking for a relationship, romantic companionship?

If it's an answer regional in nature, I live in Chicago; also, I did not find Nerds at Heart, despite its name, to in any way serve this purpose.

Help me feel more at ease about meeting up with an old flame

FlyByDay — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 12:32:34 -0800

I've re-connected with an old flame, who is now divorced. He's been off-limits for so long, but now wants to come visit me. I'm thrilled. I'm single. But I can't stop worrying that it will somehow fall apart and not happen. Right after college, I came to (big east coast city) for grad school. I met and started dating a guy who was finishing a bachelor’s at music school. I had just gotten my bachelor’s in music and was in grad school for music, so we have this very much in common. Before we met, this guy, D, had already planned to move to (big west coast city) soon after his graduation. We dated for about a year, but during that time I was very drawn to (another musician), who kept me at arm’s length but then admitted he was interested too. Though I loved being with D, at the time, the other guy was more of what I thought I wanted. D wanted me to move with him, but I’d just gotten to the east coast and was in school. The timing was wrong.

D eventually moved to (west coast city), and we saw each other a few times the next few years (and most recently in 2003) and things were as intense as always. He started dating once he moved west (I was still dating other guy, though we eventually broke up), then got married. Outside sources thought the marriage was questionable from the beginning. We kept in touch, and that intensity was still apparent but not acted upon. It should be noted that we’re both still professional musicians. I have had several perfectly nice (but ultimately ended) relationships, but no marriage and no children.

A few years ago, he disappeared. Could not be found, and I tried very hard to find him. His phone #s were disconnected, his website – that listed all of his performances – was gone. I used all my sleuthing skills but couldn’t locate him. Thought of him often. Three weeks ago, he called me. Told me he’d gotten divorced. That in a very short span of time, he lost his wife (divorce), his house, his cat (died), and one of his music directorship jobs. He said that he went deep into depression and had sequestered himself but was coming out of it. He sounded very well.

He said he wanted to come visit me in August. I have been single for quite a while now and have thought of him all this time, but he’s been off limits, so I am very much looking forward to his visiting. We’ve talked several times and he’s assured me that he is absolutely coming, but I don’t think he has tickets yet. He’s made it clear that he is coming only to see me.

So, while we talk periodically, certainly not every day, and that’s fine. More than once, I’ve called or emailed and haven’t gotten a response for several days. He’s a busy musician and I’m busy as well. Things are very intense when we do speak. Yet I find myself VERY unnerved. I can’t really believe that he’s coming until he has tickets, and probably not even then. Because he disappeared for so long (though I understand the reasons). But more importantly, I think, because I fear a phone call like this:

“So…I’m really sorry, but I just started seeing someone and I don’t think it’d be fair to you for me to come visit. Sorry about that!”

...and then he’ll disappear again. And honestly, that would/will be very difficult for me. I think this is partially the result of having heard so many men say (and some women will confirm this about men) say that as soon as a man knows that a woman is interested in him, he is no longer interested. That it’s all about the chase. But I’ve gone with my gut. I don’t play games and I’m not playing them here. He knows I’m excited about his visit, and he says he is too. But if this “thrill of the chase” clause applies to all men, it’s bound to implode before he gets here.

Caveats – I’m 41, very savvy, not twisted up by insecurities but very much interested in dating again; I clearly understand that he’s coming out of a divorce and that we are in different places; there are no “biological clock” issues pressing here; I very much miss sex – it’s been too long.

I guess I’m just asking how best to process this. Should I expect that he isn’t coming and just be surprised if he does? Should I tell him my concerns?

Any input would be appreciated. If you’ve read all the way through – a gold star for you!

Book recommendations for the mature woman

b33j — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 21:52:53 -0800

I’d like to read some fiction books where the heroine is intelligent, 40+ years old, not incredibly gorgeous or incredibly wealthy or incredibly famous, but with responsibilities (like teenage kids or a career), who has explicit & hot sex. Chick lit all grown up, you might say. Story and plot is vital. Science fiction is great. I'm pretty relaxed about genre if the other criteria are met. Movies suggestions like these also welcome but it’s easier for me to get to the library than to the video shop. I have browsed the AskMe tags of women and books. I would google it, but I’m not sure how to narrow my search so that I don’t end up with Barbara Taylor Bradford- yech.

Yep, I actually am asking strangers on the internet for sex advice.

Anonymous — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 14:07:04 -0800

No sex in several weeks (damn dissertation) and my girl deserves more. How can I give it to her with a great big bow on top? My dissertation has had me cloistered for the last sereral weeks, during which I have been big ball of negativity--a big sexless ball. My girlfriend, who lives almost an hour from my school, has been incredibly supportive during all of this. With the dissertation nearing the home stretch, I'm finally going to see her again this weekend (YAY!) and I want to make it special. I'm thinking something along the lines of candles and roses, but maybe not so cliche. We haven't been terribly sexually adventurous in the past, but I'm pretty sure she's open to it.

Added challenge: I'm going to her place, so my ability to set up something to surprise her will be limited. I might be able to get her housemate to lure her away, though, so suggestions involving set-up are still welcome.

Also, I have seen this, but we're lesbians.

Pleasing the sweet lad from Scotland

cior — Tue, 18 Jul 2006 23:02:04 -0800

How to woo a Scottish/Irish boy.. are there tricks or sexual customs I should know? What is he used to from the local girls? We're brand new, but plowing along. I find myself getting insecure about the cultural divide, curious to know if sex and couplehood customs differ as much as our language does.

Help me, how can an American girl appropriately woo a Scottish/Irish boy? More specifically, what are the common standards for women on the other side of the Atlantic?

Feel free to be explicit, as it's the sex and love stuff that I'm most concerned about. I know how to order haggis online, and am teaching myself to do a mean yorkshire pudding.

The things that confound me are perhaps more juicy: how do women across the sea deal with the grooming of their sex bits? what acts are most popular or entirely unpopular? how do these sweet boys respond best to girl overtures, both physical and emotional?

Not to standardize or shoebox, but please.. I need help!

v-day wannabe sweetheart: go big? (or forget with illegal yummies?)

SpookyFish — Mon, 13 Feb 2006 23:01:41 -0800

VDayfilter: Woman I like, have for a while. Close friends for years, and she knows how I feel. Have pretty much stayed away from the old 'nice guy' just hang out stuff for the last year, but we still get together for a drink once or twice a month. Other than the occasional fun here and there, we are both single. I'm pretty well over her, so I'm not too worried about this.. regardless of what I do, I won't stress.

Her friends all say the same things I think in general: "don't understand why you aren't together! -- so perfect with each other! -- the chemistry seems so strong! " and from people we meet together for the first time: "How long have you been married? -- Y'all are so happy together! -- What?!? You aren't a couple?!"

We like a lot of the same movies, TV, comedy, etc; our political arguments are engaging and heated, but we always end up having fun and laughing when we realize we can't always express but actually think alike; we are close in age (30, me 32) and seem to have similar desires for the future (2.5 kids/dogs/cats/house/etc).

I've never been able to find out from her any specifics about why we shouldn't take the next step, and neither have her friends. I have felt her trying a bit harder since I started pulling away of late, but nothing too illuminating.

So, dear mefites, I ask for your opinion: Should I take one last shot at it, and if so, does some crazy big gesture for tomorrow make sense? (I do know she has no real plans.) I hope I'm at the point it doesn't get to me too much either way, but I can't help but feel some unease around a Hallmark^TM day like tomorrow.