Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and relationships

Should women expect men to cheat on them?

starpoint — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 23:01:32 -0800

I'm 27 and single. I've never had a serious boyfriend. Just throwing that out there. My brother is 24. Our 1st cousins are visiting for Christmas. One of them is male and 19, the other is female and 16. Tonight we somehow got into a huge discussion about relationships. Basically my brother and cousin (the 19-year-old) were making the following points: 1. Guys NEED to have sex with multiple women (my brother equated it with the desire to pee).

2. Just because a guy has sex with other women outside a relationship or marriage, it doesn't mean he loves his girlfriend (or wife) any less.

3. Men are living against their biological nature in Western Society. The natural order is for men to sleep with as many women as possible to spread his seed, not to stick with just one woman his whole life.

4. Continuing with Point #3, in many non-Western societies, men have multiple wives and those women don't have a problem with it; and are happy living in a harem where they are taken care of. Western women have been programmed to believe that a man will only stay with them.

5. The natural order of women is that women don't care if men sleep with other women. If they do care, then it's because the women have been programmed to think so.

6. Men are made better when they have multiple partners. E.g., they have to stay "oiled" or they become less desirable in general.

7. EVERY man will cheat on his wife or girlfriend at some point. Or if he doesn't, he will want to.

8. It's NOT OK for a woman to sleep with another man because biologically her husband or boyfriend sees her as his property and doesn't want to lose an opportunity to spread his seed (even if he has 30 other women).

9. The emotional connection women have toward men during a relationship (and men toward women) is just a temporary infatuation thing and is designed for men to stick around long enough to protect the woman while she's pregnant. Then the man is free to move on to someone else because a pregnant woman can't give him the sex he needs.

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Of these points I do agree with the biological aspects -- women are choosier because they can only produce so many offspring; and so men need to be ready at all times so that there are "seeds" around when a woman is ready to have a baby. Nothing new there.

Otherwise I'm not sure how much I agree with many of these points.

What bothered me is the sheer arrogance of the way in which my brother and cousin presented their arguments -- as though everything men want is rational and biological, and what women want is "temporary" or the result of "programming." It's fine for a man to sleep around but not for a woman to do the same? My cousin also said that I will never meet a man that will not cheat on me. Gee, thanks. I pointed out some friends of mine who are happily married, and they just brushed those away saying that those guys are either nerdy "Beta-men" or that they could be cheating, too.

I don't know what to think. Maybe I'm living in a fantasy world. Maybe this is a reality check. There is some element of truth in what they said, but it bothers me nonetheless. I am hoping to meet a guy who is the ying to my yang and we support each other and are faithful to one another. I would not want him to sleep with other women, and I wouldn't sleep with other men. Of course we may find other people attractive, but is it so much to ask for a lifetime commitment to one person? Should I expect him to cheat behind my back? Is that just "the way it is"? My brother, cousins and I couldn't reach a compromise except, "ask nothing, tell nothing."

My brother said he's talked to many men -- professors, pilots, business men, etc., who have all supposedly cheated on their wives. I'm not trying to portray my brother and cousin as bad people. They're not bad people, but they are both a bit arrogant. But at least they're honest (with me, anyway).

I couldn't think of any good counter-arguments during our discussion. I enjoy debate but I'm not good at it when it's sudden and I haven't had a chance to prepare. I understand that my brother is a guy and he has needs, but what about women's needs? Why are women's needs less important? I don't want to be wife #19. Is that so much to ask? Is it unrealistic? When I pursue relationships, should I expect the guy to cheat? Should I bring it up with him before we even start to go steady? What are ways a guy can handle his desire to be with multiple women in a long-term relationship?

Teaching an old dog new tricks...that I learned from another dog.

blackcatcuriouser — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 08:50:20 -0800

How can I teach my ex what I've learned while we were apart? My ex-boyfriend and I are in talks about getting back together. We've been broken up for a little less than a year, in what was a mutual, amicable breakup. We haven't discussed our sexual involvements with other people during the separation period (feel it's unnecessary, as long as we're both still clean - which we are.) We both know we got physical with other people while we were broken up (for various reasons that aren't important to the question) but haven't talked details, which I think we both prefer.

I had a brief fling with a guy over the summer. It was exciting while it lasted and the sex was unbelievable. He dropped some moves on me that I'd never ever seen and my body did things I didn't know it could do. (I'll spare you the salacious details but rest assured...it was good.) We would also use dirty talk in our pre-coital flirtations and it was a major turn-on. This is something I'd never done in the many years of dating my ex and is something my ex has said he's uncomfortable doing.

Summer fling guy is way out of the picture now, as it was a totally casual thing with no emotional involvement. I'm not interested in seeing him again, nor will I. I would like to work on getting back together with my ex, whom I love. Sex with the ex has always been good, but I'm worried that now that I've discovered some new, almost life-changing things that excite me, I won't feel entirely satisfied by him.

I want to reach the same sexual high with him that I did with Summerfling. I realize this probably requires a "Hey, why don't we try this?" or a "I'd love it if you did thisthing." I'd like to suggest some new things for us to do, or rather, new things for him to do to more efficiently get me off, without him feeling like I was comparing him to people I'd slept with while we were broken up. Admittedly, that's probably where my mind would go too if he started suggesting all these new things he was never into before. Added challenge: My ex and I have very different communication styles. He's very awkward about any sort of sex talk; gets kind of uncomfortable.

So how do I broach this topic with him if and when we get back together? Is it something I can gently ease him into during sex? Should it be a separate conversation?

How do I cope with jealousy of other peoples' intimacy?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 18:02:45 -0800

I am a straight 29-year old male who has never been in a relationship or had any sexual experience. When I find out that other people I know are entering into relationships or getting frisky, I get slammed by a whole cluster of negative emotions, and I need help coping. These negative feelings include pain, like I got the wind knocked out of me and my chest is collapsing, extreme jealousy, anger, misogynistic thoughts like "all women are bitches because they'll hook up with that kind of guy but not me," and thoughts that I maybe my life isn't worth living anymore. (To be clear, I have zero desire to act on that thought, and I find it terrifying when it comes up. If I ever started planning ways to commit suicide, I would immediately seek in-person professional help.)

As I've gotten older and still been without any intimate relationships, these feelings have gotten worse. I used to only experience this when a girl I had a crush on would choose someone else, but it's getting to the point where finding out that anyone I know is sexually involved with someone or is in a relationship with another person can bring up these feelings.

I'm not asking for strategies to find a girlfriend or get laid, and so I'm leaving out the background of why my dating history has been non-existent. What I really need are some ways to keep these feelings from overwhelming me and to deal with the fact that other people get into relationships and have sex.

Loss of libido with Levlen/Levora?

roxie110 — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 13:32:13 -0800

Has anyone taking the birth control pill Levora/Levlen had a loss of libido? I've been taking this pill for a year now, and (along with some weight gain that kicked in about 6 months later, yuck) I've noticed a pretty steep drop in my libido.

This is the first time I've ever been on the pill, and I'm trying to figure out whether this may be related to the pill itself, or whether I'm just not that attracted to my boyfriend anymore (it's been 6 years)!

Any info or advice would be welcome.

I'm at the end of my rope

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 14:00:55 -0800

Please shed some light on my extramarital issue. 1. I am into some stuff sexually, that a lot of people are not into. This includes my partner, who is squeamish. Nothing illegal, nonconsensual, or dangerous. In fact it's almost mainstream, well it is where I live.

2. I was not openly into this stuff when we got together.

3. I am getting really frustrated with my partner's unwillingness to experiment, although I know it's not my partner's fault that they are not into it...It is depressing to get shot down and frustrating. To ask that they do something with me that is not physically or emotionally taxing and feel like my partner is disgusted...

4. I'm really having trouble being sexually satisfied with my partner and the frustration at not having this is starting to seep into other aspects of our life together. Not because the sexual technique isn't there, or the attraction, I just feel empty inside while we're having sex, and rejected, and it sometimes leads to the sex completely stopping. Ughhh

5. I really don't want to be that person who pushes their partner until the activity is semi-consensual. I don't want my partner to feel blackmailed into this.

6. There is no one on the back burner or anyone that I am trying to have sex with so I'm not trying to use this as a justification for an affair with a particular person...if I went out and looked I'm sure I could find someone though, like I said because of where I live.

QUESTION: Should I go outside of my relationship? If I ask permission to do so, how would I frame it?

How do I deal with the disappointment if the answer is no?

I really don't want to end my relationship over sex...but I don't want to be someone who cheats and it's getting to the point where I want to just say fuck it and go do it safely with no strings attached, and just keep my mouth shut. I want to be an ethical person and do this in a decent way. Or am I deluding myself? Should I suck it up and deal? Is this where I should be an adult and get over myself? Do you think my partner will come around...? I am trying not to push.

I love my partner so much. Any insight, please share. I want to do the right thing.

Kids are not involved.

Thank you.

How to deal with his friendship with a former lover?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 21:04:40 -0800

(RelationshipFilter) My now boyfriend used to sleep with a good friend of his, while he was dating me. How do I deal with my feelings about him hanging out with her? Before we became exclusive (in the early stages of our dating relationship, but continuing after we started saying "I love you"), my now boyfriend was sleeping with a very close friend of his. I knew about it at the time and I hated it. She would sleep over at his place once a week and I knew what was going on, and it tortured me. After a few months we became exclusive (after I told him I wanted to) and he stopped sleeping with her. I never asked him to stop being friends with her or hanging out with her, but I asked him not to share details with me as it really bothers me when he sees her. I don't think he has feelings for her, nor do I suspect that anything is "going on" between them. A few weeks ago she came to an event that he and I attend regularly, and I had to leave because I felt so uncomfortable and angry. Today I found out that he went to a place that is very special to me, that we have been talking about going to together, with her, from a friend who told me he saw him there. I feel like he lied to me about it and was sneaking around, but he says he didn't tell me because I asked him not to talk to me about her. I don't know how we resolve this. I don't feel like it would be okay for me to say "stop being friends with her", but I'm tired of this being an issue and feeling betrayed and angry. I'm angry at him because I feel like he created this situation, but at the same time he wasn't doing anything technically wrong at the time: he wasn't lying to me or cheating on me. When I try to reverse the situation, I know that I wouldn't be hanging out with someone I was sleeping with at the same time as I was seeing him--actually, I wouldn't have been sleeping with a close friend, nor would I have been with someone else when I was saying "I love you" to him.
Does anyone have any ideas about how to deal with this? How do I stop feeling so angry and hurt? Am I totally in the wrong? We have a good relationship and good communication but things just go nowhere with this issue.

How do I fix me?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:33:36 -0800

I feel like my life is over and I'm only 35. I feel completely stagnant and stuck, relationshipwise and jobwise. Do I need to change things or do I need to learn how to deal? Help me figure out how to be a happier person. Is there some Grand Unified Theory that explains all my problems? How do I fix me?

I'm a 35-year-old male who has dealt with lifelong anxiety. Two major things in my life right now have me in despair: my relationship and my job. Neither of these is awful; they are just blah. I can't see either of them improving. I feel like I'm too young to have a midlife crisis, but I feel like I have nothing left to look forward to. My life feels over. I feel like even if I change things, I'll become anxious and unhappy about something else. There are good things about my life, but I just do not know how to be content. Maybe deep down I feel like I don't deserve it.

I have been in therapy with different therapists on and off since I was 17. I've been seeing my current therapist for nearly 9 years, and I like her, and I have insights regularly, and she claims that I've changed for the better, but I still feel unhappy. I am a compulsive self-analyzer, but I can't seem to translate insights into actual change. Isn't the goal of therapy supposed to be to get to a point where you don't need therapy anymore?

I took meds (Celexa) for about 4 1/2 years. I never really felt like it solved things. I don't think I have depression -- I can function fine, I don't confine myself to bed, there are things I enjoy, I have genuine passion for life. It's just that life weighs heavily on me, and it always has.

I get frustrated and stressed out easily by little things in life. I have always worried about death, worried about wasting my life, worried about getting older (even when I was 21). Now I worry about middle age, old age. I'm gay, and I feel like I wasted my youth because I didn't come out of the closet until I was 24. I worry about long-term stress making me ill, which causes me more stress.

My relationship: I've posted a few AskMe's about this before (see here -- I changed details like numbers and dates in that first post because I wanted to be extra-safe about being anonymous), and I hate the idea of being a broken record, and I can see how people who have read my previous AskMe's might shake their heads at me for not having changed anything. But the thing is, I'm just terrified.

In short: my partner and I have been together for six years, and we've been in couples therapy for the last two. We truly love and care about each other and have a cozy, very boring, oxytocin-filled relationship, but we have never had a very sexual relationship, and after discussing it repeatedly in therapy, I'm pretty much convinced we never will. He has practically zero sex drive, and I'm just not sexually attracted to him. We have fooled around together twice -- twice -- in the last four years, and never did much before that. We have an open, don't ask/don't tell arrangement, which means that all my sex is with other people, which means that I can never have sex that includes intimacy, which means a big part of my life is very unfulfilled. Whenever I do start to feel some sort of intimacy with someone, I feel really guilty about it.

I guess the difference between this AskMe and my previous ones is that while I used to think there was a possibility we could eventually have a sexually fulfilling relationship, I've since realized we never will.

He also very much likes having a routine, likes being a homebody except for going to the theater alot (we live in Manhattan) and going to our favorite restaurant. He isn't big on excitement. Me, I need to shake things up every once in a while. That might sound odd, given that I tend to be pretty anxious, but I do like to expand my comfort zone sometimes, while he doesn't.

There are some days when I obsess about breaking up with him. But when it comes down to it, I just can't seem to do it. We have talked in our couples therapy about breaking up, and I would just miss him terribly -- having him next to me at night, talking with him, being with him. Plus, since I'm a very emotional person and I get stressed out easily, I just can't see how I could handle being alone and missing him. Our relationship has major flaws, but I do feel calmer knowing he is there whenever I get totally anxious about something. I cannot imagine being stressed out and having nobody to turn to, especially because I live in Manhattan, which can be a difficult, isolating place sometimes. Would I move into some small crappy studio by myself somewhere? I don't have very many friends, so I don't have much of a support system. (My partner and I are both in a social organization, so there are friends/acquaintances there, and people do like me, but it's hard sometimes because I worry about what people think of me.)

What if I wind up being single for the rest of my life? What if nobody else comes along? What if someone else does come along but that relationship is majorly flawed as well? What if my punishment for breaking up with my partner is that I never find anyone else again? Because, odd as this sounds, I do feel like I would be punished for it. That I am not allowed to change my situation, that I should be thankful for what I have, that I want too much.

Maybe I could keep him in my life, and we could be best friends?

And... what if I end the relationship and I'm still unhappy?

Now for the job situation: this is another thing entirely. My job is not very stressful and is sometimes decent, and I'm thankful for that, especially in this economy. But it's just a boring paycheck for me and isn't at all meaningful. Worst of all, over the summer, my office moved into a sterile office park in the New Jersey suburbs. Now I go to the office two days a week, which is a 1 hour 40 minute commute each way, and on the other three days I work from home, which feels so isolating and makes me feel like I'm not doing anything. I despair of ever getting out of this situation.

I have never known what I wanted to do with my life. I have seen career counselors, I have read career books -- at times I have been hopeful but I eventually despair. I have wanted to be a writer, a therapist, a journalist, a professor. I went to law school, but I didn't really enjoy being a lawyer. Now my job is related to the law, but it doesn't thrill me either. What I *do* like to do is read nonfiction and learn about things. I love learning and I love writing, but I don't think I have the expertise or ability to write nonfiction, and I have little interest in writing fiction. I am good at writing about myself, but who wants to read about me?

See how hard on myself I am?

I am also very fickle -- I can never be sure that what interests me now will interest me a few months from now. The only constant is history, particularly American history.

I feel hopeless at 35, and if the next 50 years are like the last 10, I don't know what I'm going to do, and I am only getting older. I am stuck, stuck, stuck, and I hate it.

I've created a MeFi account that I can't post from yet, but you can email me there if you want.

Help me get my libido in check with reality.

Anonymous — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 07:56:21 -0800

Help me get my libido in check with reality. Very long story inside. I'm in a long-term (20+ years) relationship with my soulmate and the love of my life. We're married and have several children. We're happy.

But my libido is much, much stronger than hers, and it always has been. I could have sex twice a day; she could have it once or twice a month. Probably not that unusual, I know.

I've recently gone through therapy and learned a lot about myself; I learned how much I was blaming everything on her, and how I was counting on her affection as pretty much my sole source of happiness. So those are all things that I understand, and I'm working on. I'm beginning to see what a ridiculous burden I have been placing on her all these years, requiring (in my head) that she be ultra-physical and outgoing and giving in order for me to have any self-esteem or sense of worth.

But still, there's that physical urge that is just ridiculously strong. I'm late thirties, she's pushing 40. And I feel like a teenager when it comes to the hormones. Now, by most people's standards, we have a really good sex life. We have sex once or twice a week, on average. That's pretty good for people who work and have a house full of kids. We make it happen, in part thanks to her awesome attitude about it. And it's not like she doesn't enjoy it - she has orgasms as often as I do, and once she gets going she really enjoys it. But it takes effort to "get her going," whereas I'm pretty much always ready to go.

Here's something that I know shouldn't matter but does: I was a virgin when we got together. She wasn't. So she's the only partner I've ever had. So one of the things I'm constantly battling is this notion that I'm "missing something" - which intellectually I know isn't the case, but it nags at the back of my mind. I also struggle with jealousy, that she got to experience things I didn't.

Also: I know one of the time-tested bits of advice usually given is exercise, but paradoxically, when I go through periods of fitness/nutrition, all of this gets much more intense - I guess because of all of the testosterone and emphasis on physicality. So those are things I do and need to do anyway, but just please understand that "get more exercise" isn't helpful in this case.

I masturbate as often as is practical, but that doesn't really move the needle. To me, that's something different entirely, and doesn't satisfy the desire for skin-on-skin intimacy.

So, then: How can I adjust my libido and expectations down into the realm of reality? How do I approach/conquer the notion that I should be getting more (sex/affection/etc.)? How can I make this mean less to me, depress me less, bother me less?

Falling in love, with caveats.

Anonymous — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:31:29 -0800

Falling in love pretty quickly. First time for a lot of things. Some issues are coming up. I'm mid 30s, male. About 5 weeks ago, I met a really lovely girl online. We've both done a lot of online dating and both are pretty sick of it. Things progressed quickly and many things are really wonderful.

Namely:
Awesome sense of humor overlap
Pretty low stress and high fun percentages
We're able to communicate openly serious stuff
We both find each other really attractive
Conversation is easy
We're both insanely affectionate people and whenever we're together, which is often, we're always touching

Basically in almost every sense I'm smitten with her.

But of course, there is the sex.

She's on anti-depressants which she says limits her libido. I'm kind of a horn-dog. But the thing is, there isn't a total lack of sex by any means. The first few times were really not so amazing, but it's been getting better little by little, to the point where it's bordering on pretty good. She's not prudish or hesitant about things once they get rolling.

But she rarely initiates things. I told her that I really don't want her to push herself into doing things that she doesn't want to do, and that I want to give her time to figure out herself in relation to the medications. But there is a hesitancy about what happens between us that frightens me a bit. On the bright side of things, sex between us is getting better and I think she's enjoying it more. On the dark side of things, it's still not something that I think she's super interested in, and I worry that after this honeymoon period is over, she might be even less interested, and at that point I might have even more intense feelings for her that would make it even more hard to make a decision about this.

The other hard factor to take into account is that neither of us have been in long term relationships very much. I'm not sure if my crazy desire would stand up in a long term relationship, and maybe I'd be happy with less. And I'm not sure that she wouldn't maybe get interested in sex more in a loving situation where she felt comfortable with someone. From knowing her a little bit, I think that may be quite possible but I'm not sure.

Basically I'm falling in love with this person, and I'm excited by her. Things are better between us than in any relationship I've ever been in, and I think she feels the same. But I'm terrified of being in a sexless, more or less friendship kind of marriage. I definitely want to give this more time, maybe a lot more, to figure out how things settle. We've talked this over quite a bit and I think she's very interested in having us both feel comfortable sexually and otherwise. As I understand it, before the meds, her libido was quite a bit stronger, but it's never been crazy strong.

My basic question is: My instinct is that this could be a really great thing, and I want to give it my all and hope that through communication and time, we'll figure out what works between us (because things are on the border of being ok already and we haven't really known each other that long). But I also wonder if I'm not setting us up for heart break down the line by letting my feelings progress while I feel there is this barrier between us.

I know this is overthinking, seriously. I know that. But it's on my mind a lot and I'm not sure how to think about it. I'd be happy to hear everyone say "things are ok, you haven't known her for very long, if they are improving keep communicating and hope for the best".

To fend off some clarifying questions:
Welbutrin is not an option. Other med changes might be. She might be interested in stopping the meds at some point, but she says they have helped her a lot to deal with some low-level depression and I don't really want to mess with that.

Men: "Nice shoes!" (trans: let's fuck!) Women: "Nice shoes!" (trans: let's be friends!)

Eleutherios — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 19:22:11 -0800

Previously dated men, now wants to date women. Problem: I can't tell when women are interested in me or if they just want to be friends. I seem to be pretty good in picking up on clues that a man is sexually interested in me, women not so much.

I've had scenerios show up over and over with men and women:

-Being stared at in a bar/party/club
-Being told that I'm attractive/sexy
-Being messaged on online dating sites
-Having a friend of their's introduce me ("Hey are you single? If yes, my friend would like to meet you!)
-Someone inviting me over their house to fix dinner for me
-Being grinded on the dance floor

Whenever men show the above behaviors, it almost always leads up to them wanting to pursue a relationship and/or have sex with me. I've always reject those advances, because I'm not sexually attracted to men, eventhough I pretended to be for a while. I was in a few relationships with men, but they were sexless.

Whenever women show the above behaviors I get a different result. Unlike with the guys, I don't show coolness when women act like that around me, I actually turn up the heat. Once I show my attraction, I'm told that they are looking for friendship and not anything more. That's if I'm lucky, there were a few occasions where women just walked away from me.

This has caused me a lot of frustration and confusion, the fact that the very same behaviors has led to very different outcomes, depending on the gender involved. To add to the confusion, whenever I show those above behaviors, I am definately sexually attracted to a woman. I mean, I would never invite a woman over to my house (knowing that we are both lesbians) to cook for her, if I wasn't trying to have sex with her or wanted her to be my girlfriend. It would just be awkward.

I've been told that I think a lot like a guy, so I think this is messing up my perception a bit. For those who date women, regardless of your gender, how do I tell the difference between friendly interest and sexual interest? Please help a woman who's new to this scene.

Do I need to know what (or who) he did while we were broken up? Is it wrong to ask?

blackcatcuriouser — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 20:37:22 -0800

Do I need to know what (or who) he did while we were broken up? Is it wrong to ask? My ex and I had a mutual, amicable breakup about 7 months ago, after 3 good years together. We've known each other for almost 10 years and have been best friends. We've remained friendly throughout our breakup - still seeing each other on occasion to have dinner or coffee or see a film while maintaining a respectful distance. We've both spent most of this time apart doing our own thing, getting out more and meeting new people. We haven't talked about other people we've been with during our breakup period, although a couple of months ago he did bring it up. I was honest and told him I'd slept with one person but didn't go into any detail. He told me he hadn't slept with anyone. I feel he was being dishonest, and know from a few external sources that he has in fact been involved with a few girls since our breakup - the level of those involvements is uncertain. I didn't press the issue because I didn't feel it was my right to probe any further. It has, after all, been his right to see/sleep with whomever he likes. We've been broken up for months. I decided to leave it at that. I didn't need to know and at that point, preferred not to know.

Lately, however, we've been seeing each other more and have talked about getting back together. This led to things getting physical again. We haven't come to a decision just yet, although it seems we're leaning towards a reunion in the near future. Here's my problem: Now that we're sleeping together again and considering starting over, I'm absolutely DYING of curiosity about his exploits during our time apart. Every day I spend hours fixated on this - who'd he sleep with? Who did he kiss? How many did he sleep with? How many did he kiss? Did he actually like anyone? Did he hook up with that friend-of-a-friend I'd suspected he was spending time with over the summer? It is all-consuming. I need to know. Honestly, what he did (unless it's totally, thoroughly deplorable) won't keep me from wanting to try at working things out with him. It's not about judging him. We've known each other for so long and have known every little thing about each other - until now.

I have no problem telling him about my involvements while we were apart. I'd really like to have an honest conversation about it (barring all the unnecessary nasty details) because it's been a time in my life during which I've learned a lot about myself and relationships. I get the feeling that he'd rather not discuss it at all and feels uncomfortable with the topic - or that he'd rather denydenydeny to spare any negative feelings on my part. But I just want him to be honest. I want us to be honest. I feel I should know if he's slept with anyone else for my own sexual health considerations, but I want to know more than that. I want to know who and when. I want to know who he's just fooled around with. I want to know if he went on any dates. I wouldn't be angry or sad or lash out at him - I just want to know.

How do I bring this up? Should I bring it up? Do I just let the past be the past and move forward with him? How do I address the nagging curiosity?

How to manage feelings in BDSM/casual sex relaionships?

Anonymous — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 16:55:03 -0800

Your tips on figuring out my feelings as I enter into casual play relationships? (risque elaboration within) Sooooo I am a newbie to BDSM and casual play/sex and while I've had a small handful of good experiences so far, I'm a little worried of my own green-eyed monster rearing its head. Main reason I ask: I met someone recently who I enjoy play/sex with, and since he is unattached and very affectionate towards me (and I find him very attractive) I'm starting to get date-y feelings toward him. He compliments me in a date-y way, too, i've spent the night, and he has once (on our 2nd of 2 play dates) suggested we hang out in a non-play setting too, but I'm not sure what to make of this or if I'm reading into it. I'm afraid to bring up any deeper discussion because I feel... uptight? demanding? like I'll freak him out by being not-casual? if I do.

This is all especially confusing because, while 3somes are something I'd like to try, I now am getting antsy and mixed-up emotionally when he brings up looking for new play partners for us. And I'm feeling tinges of jealousy knowing he's looking for new play partners for himself. How does one manage this sort of transition and dealing with jealousy? Any suggested tips? Suggested reads? Throwaway email: applicablenot32@yahoo.com If it matters, I am female, 30, unmarried (and not very marriage-minded normally.)

Too horny. Can't think. Need sex.

Anonymous — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 11:34:22 -0800

I'm a mid-20s British male and I haven't had sex for about three years. Manual Overides are barely taking the edge off these days and the horniess is getting so bad I can't think clearly. Help me get laid. Complications inside. Since the end of my last long-term relationship I haven't had sex, kissed a girl, or been on a date. I was pretty good at being a boyfriend, living together, and all that stuff, and I hope to do it again someday but I'm way out of practice right now. I recognise that there are underlying issues with the three year gap (social isolation, self confidence, and so on) but what I'm asking for today is some help in figuring out a way to get laid so that I can actually think straight, instead of just sitting here feeling my pulse throb and my mind swim with thought-blocking sex chemicals.

I'm hoping mefi can help me think outside the box (and therefore get back inside the box, hee hee), but I realise this is probably a stupid question - sorry. Also, I understand that I'm coming at this backwards and that solving some of my other problems would probably indirectly resolve this one, but just give a pass on that one for now please - I'm working on them.

Anyway, here are the options as far as I can see followed by the issues I have with them. Maybe I'm missing something (please Jesus, let it be so).

---
Option #1 - Get a girlfriend:
A. Living with parents.
B. Broke.
C. Have a hairy back (like, chimp hairy). And I'm a bit overweight too.
D. Socially isolated, lacking confidence, that sort of thing.
E. Not honestly sure I want a full-on girlfriend right now because of A, B and D.

---
Option #2 - Go to a bar/club and pick up a girl:
A. Don't like pick-up bar/club environment. Not really sure what to do there, how to do it, or who to. Feel like a Martian in those places.
B. Not sure how dancing works.
C. Worried about catching a disease.
D. Worried that after such a long drought my performance won't be up to satisfying a girl who picks guys up in bars.
E. Don't understand the etiquette of one-nighters.
F. Don't have a place I could take her to anyway.
G. Terrified.

---
Option #3 - Go internet dating:
A. See Option #1 above.
B. Don't want to put a picture of my face on a profile - someone I know might spot me.
C. Not really sure how the whole thing works.
D. See Option #2 above.
E. Terrified.

---
Option #4 - Use a prostitute:
A. No idea how.
B. Morally confusing.
C. Don't want to catch a disease.
D. Budgetary limitations probably place me in the 'crack whore' market segment.
E. Terrified.
F. Not really into breaking the law. Scared of bad guys and the police.

Okay, so those are the options that I've worked out, none of which seem realistic for me right now. For your info I'm overweight (but quite tall with it), not pretty but (I hope) not ugly either, a 'nice guy', big, bald and perhaps a bit unapproachable, and have some not-crippling but not-insignificant self-esteem issues (as I'm sure you've figured out). I look older than I am too. I keep hoping I'll have some serendipitous magical dreamgirl encounter like in Garden State, Lost In Translation (though, less chaste), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Me and You and Everyone We Know and movies like that, but I'm getting tired of making eyes at pretty bookshop sales assistants.

Disposable email at: M8R-758isl@mailinator.com

Finally, if this looks pretty well organised for someone who claims he can't think - I jerked off earlier (sorry), and this took me about two hours to write.

Relationship emotional hangover is getting in the way of new fun

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 08:10:13 -0800

I've been hanging out with a girl for a while, just as friends because she's had a boyfriend for as long as I've known her. I am, of course, into her. She's intelligent and beautiful and laughs at my jokes--all that good stuff. So, I was honestly quite pleased when she started having problems with her boyfriend. Every couple of days, we'd see each other and she'd tell me about some other dick thing he'd said. She'd also started sitting closer to me, touching me on the arm when we talked, and holding on a little too long when we hugged. My experience with women is somewhat limited (I've had two serious girlfriends), but I could see that she liked me. The last girl I dated had been a friend for six years and then we spent the last two years being involved romantically on an on again off again basis. The last time we split was in June and she said some things about my body that have had me a little messed up. In particular, she mentioned that she was unimpressed with my penis, which is a bit small (5 inches, but not very thick), and thought that I could stand to lose some weight. Anyway, I was obviously very hurt by all of this, and have been feeling a bit unmanned by the whole thing.

About a week ago, the new girl was taking some time off from her boyfriend when she invited me over to hang out with her and some friends. When I got there, she was alone and told me that everyone had already left. We sat around and drank for a while and we both got a little drunk. She got drunk enough to admit that she liked me and things went from there. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop thinking about my body and the things my old girlfriend had said. Thus, I wasn't able to get hard that night or in the morning. It was embarrassing and made me feel further unmanned. We went to breakfast the next morning and she seemed happy--I had managed to bring her to orgasm several times--but I was feeling pathetic. I walked her back to her place and she told me she needed to think about things.

She told me last week that she'd broken up with her boyfriend, but that was only after I contacted her. She hasn't made an effort to get in touch with me since the night we got together. But I have seen her around town a few times and she's been really friendly. I guess my question is: what should I do? Give her some time? Run away after the bad performance in bed? Talk to her about my bad performance? I really like this girl--a lot. But I feel embarrassed and I don't know if another roll in the hay would go any better right now. I don't know how to get my confidence back, but I really would like to make things happen with this young lass.

Pausing for a future

MayNicholas — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 08:06:11 -0800

I have met a wonderful man. I really like him. We have agreed to hold off on the sex part of our relationship. Are there any statistics related to relationship/ marriage stability and the postponement of sex? We are both in our early 30's and have had active sex lives in the past. We fool around and have a great time but always step back and cool off before we go too far. I have never put off having sex with a man, but always felt like it prevented the relationship from developing. You know how everything in a new relationship is exciting and then once you introduce sex it becomes all about the sex and then when that thrill wears off you realize you stopped getting to know one another?

He says he has always waited a long time when he really cares about a woman. This concept is so foreign to me, but I think it is great! I really see long term potential in this man.

I am looking for any statistics or web sites that discuss the whole waiting thing. All I keep coming across are teen sites or sites where people are waiting till marriage to ever have sex. I don't mind articles that discuss waiting till marriage as long as the couples are have had active sex lives in the past.

Personal stories are welcome too!

Thanks!

No glove...awww, sad, no love...

nakedcodemonkey — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 11:31:55 -0800

Can you hook a gal up? I'm looking for recommendations for a good latex-free, powder-free disposable exam glove for safe and very tactile sex. I understand nitrile is strongest, and slides on well. But does does such a smooth fit make your hand extra sweaty? I have mild eczema, so potentially that's a problem. And how does vinyl compare in your opinion?

Most options available in either material seem to assume that one is a lab tech wanting to restore fine motor control via added fingertip texture. For my purposes, this is less than ideal. I'd rather find something with a completely smooth glide. I've contacted a few manufacturers whose product details are ambiguous on this front, but so far they've been slow to reply.

Finally, it's unclear to me which size to get. Nitrile gloves in particular apparently run small. For dishwashing gloves, medium is a quite loose though comfortable fit; while small runs slightly short in the fingertips. Can you help me translate this into good sizing for an exam glove?

Do they make deoderant for the stink of desperation?

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 18:03:22 -0800

I'm pretty sure I stink of desperation when I'm out on dates. Please help me stop doing that. I just turned 27. Living in Big Coastal City, where most of my college friends call home; I grew up in one godawful small town and went to college in another, so all my roots (professional, personal) are here. And when I say all, I mean all - once a year at Thanksgiving I call my parents to ask if they're willing to see my older brother again, dad says something about lifestyles and God's wrath and sin, I hang up and go over to my brother's boyfriend's parents' place for dinner. 90% of the time, I love it here - my friends are great, my career is off like a rocket, I'm having a blast.

Except:

All of my friends are in relationships. Every single one as of six months ago. About half are married or engaged; the others are in various stages of seriousness, but not a one of them is single. It wasn't like this when we moved here, but basically, since then, they've all gained relationships and almost none of them have lost any. I even made a list to be sure. I head up a team of six at work - all of them are a year to four years younger than me, and one of them is unattached; he's the most introverted person I've ever met. Me, though - I've been single for three years, as of this fall. I had a month-long fling in 2007, and that was going great, until she decided to go back to her ex. That's the closest I've come.

I paid attention to people who told me to just do things I loved, and get out and be social, and it'd happen. I tried that - joined a couple of groups devoted to my hobbies; started volunteering. That didn't work. Well, it worked inasmuch as it made my life better, and I did get a few new friends/acquaintances out of it, and a couple of unsuccessful dates, but... no meaningful progress toward any kind of girlfriend.

I go on dates, when I can; I sometimes meet someone at a party, or a random conversation on the street turns into meeting for coffee. I just started online dating at a friend's urging, but it's been an incredibly depressing experience as I start to understand how horrific the gender imbalance is. It seems like a tremendous amount of work and rejection to even get to a single date.

Now here's the thing: I still believe that I'm doing things "right," as much as there is such a thing. I'm keeping active, and social; I've checked with trusted friends that my clothing, apartment, behavior, aren't horribly wrong. I will meet someone - logic says so. I may have had really bad luck so far, but there's nothing stopping me from meeting anyone at any of a dozen social events, hitting it off, yadda yadda. My problem is staying positive. I'm the first one to say that desperation is the worst thing to have when you're single. But I'm getting really, really desperate. I'm really envious of the lovebirds around me, and frankly, being basically celibate is kind of horrible. I'm pretty sure at this point that when I am chatting with a girl, the desperation is obvious, and it looks awful.

So how the hell do I manage this? How do I stay sane when I'm surrounded with happy couples, without ditching my entire social network? I've heard people say that I need to "stop trying," but I can't understand how to actually do that. I stay busy; between work and hobbies and friends I don't even have a lot of free time, so it's not like I'm just sitting at home moping. But like I said... it's been a long time since I've had any hope at all about relationships, and I honestly don't know, and would like to know, how to obscure/manage what is, frankly, an increasingly desperate mental state? What's worked for the green? How can I chill the fuck out?

What to do before sunrise?

Anonymous — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 18:44:56 -0800

How do I make the most of a new (but doomed) relationship? I gave a guy my number recently, anticipating that it would be a one night thing, as I am moving very far away soon to start my doctorate (he knew this from the get-go). Unfortunately (or fortunately?) we discovered we really like each other, and have been inseparable ever since. However, I am unwilling to give up a free ride plus a generous monthly stipend at my dream school for such a new relationship. He is also planning on starting school elsewhere soon. We have about three weeks to go. We agreed to use that time to enjoy ourselves and try to end things on a good note, as a relationship we can remember fondly. We aren't ruling out the possibility that our paths may cross later.

He is pretty introverted and shy, and doesn't have a lot of confidence, which is what I like least about him, especially since it seems to carry into the bedroom to some degree. He is very attractive, smart, and extremely kind, which I make sure to tell him as much as possible. I suspect he is less sexually experienced than I am, and things have been very vanilla so far. I enjoy being dominated, and I haven't seen any signs that he's interested in that yet.

So, two questions-
How can I make the most of our short time together?
How can I coax his more sexually adventurous side out? I do plan to talk to him, but ideas for how I could frame it or other nonverbal ways of doing this would be appreciated.

How do I get back into the dating world?

plungerjoke — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 13:20:19 -0800

How do I get back into the dating world? For the past couple of years, I lived with my parents and thus, I did not date very much. There were a few "encounters," and a couple of missed opportunities, but nothing other than that. It has been two years since I've had sex, and it seems to be seriously ruining my game. I'm not the most fit or attractive person in the world, but I'm tall, quite funny, and generally sharp. I've never had an abundance of success with women, but I'm pretty sure there is no good reason that I should not be at least casually dating someone. Or a few people!

Is there any way to re-teach myself how to date without actually DATING? Because right now, the words do not come to me while trying to communicate with a nubile female. Do I just have to wait for sex to randomly find me in order to get my game back? haha...

I tried the book intimate connections at the suggestion of a mefi'er, and it has helped some.

thanks for your responses.

I love my husband but I keep wanting other men

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 07:48:56 -0800

I love my husband, he is a wonderful, caring, attractive man but for some reason I don't want to have sex with him even though I'm really REALLY interested in sex. Posted anonymously for obvious reasons. Some background info - I'm a healthy, successful 32 year old woman who works hard to look good, my partner and I have been married for 9 years (no children).

I love my husband, he is a wonderful, caring, attractive man but for some reason I don't want to have sex with him even though I'm really REALLY interested in sex.

It gets worse - I now frequently have sex dreams involving friends / co-workers, but never my husband, and it's starting to affect my everyday life. We were at a party a few weeks ago and I had to purposefully keep myself away from one of my husband's friends who'd been in my dream because I was afraid I'd have one drink too many and be all over him.

And I keep having this recurring dream about a very cute co-worker, it's been going on for months now and I just can't see the guy at work any more without mentally undressing him. I don't know why I'm like this, I've just always had a high sex drive, and the enticement of danger and excitement doesn't help!

I love my husband, I have no desire to hurt him in any way, but whenever I make advances he has an excuse ready 90% of the time and we have sex so infrequently now that when we do it's weird.

He also strongly associates sex with love, whereas for me sex is just an experience, something really fun to do, a life experience to be enjoyed. I tried explaining this to him once but it didn't go down well; he is the jealous type and abhors cheating.

I feel like a horrible terrible person for saying this but if I COULD have sex with other people and he would never find out or be hurt by it in any way, I would. But we're married, and that's cheating. I just don't know what to do... I love him, he loves me, but he never seems to want me even though he *says* he does (actions speak louder than words!), and consequently I finding myself wanting things I shouldn't want.

Can there be a happy outcome to a situation like this? We have a good relationship and a lot of history together but this lack of any and all sex in my life is becoming unmanageable. I'd really appreciate any and all feedback, personal experiences, etc. Thank you in advance.

Sex - how many times/month is typical for married couples?

blahtsk — Wed, 27 May 2009 20:36:23 -0800

For couples married around 5 years - how many times a month do you have sex? Our average is around 3 times a month, I'd like to see us increase that to 5. (Let's not focus on that part; there are health issues involved.) We don't have kids, we're 32 years old, married 7 years. My wife tells me that her work friends in similar situations say that sex 2-3 times a month is average / normal for them.

I'd like a larger sample set than a few work friends. For (satisfied) partners in a similar situation, how many times a month do you do it? (I'm concerned that my desire for 5/month is high.)

Thanks in advance.

I think I don’t like or trust my partner sexually any more.

Anonymous — Mon, 18 May 2009 13:05:15 -0800

I think I don’t like or trust my partner sexually any more. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? How did you manage? Long account under cut. Mid 20s, female in heterosexual relationship for five years. First couple of years, things were going great. Lots of things in common, similar thinking, intellectually compatible, even same sort of taste in food, and we were both physically attracted to each other. Lots of fun doing activities together.

We became intimate a year after we started dating. A bit of awkward fumbling initially -- I am his first, too -- but we managed, and things were pretty rosy initially. About a year later, I started to feel dissatisfied. He’d be really enthusiastic, whereas I would feel bored. Things also started to happen, such as in the middle of things he’d switch to another position, but it was really uncomfortable for me. I’d stop him, but he’d say it feels really good for him, and he’d keep trying it again subsequently, even though I repeatedly told him that I didn’t enjoy it, he said he forgot because he was too excited. Those incidents left me feeling used.

To overcome my boredom, I tried initiating things that I was interested in, but he’d try that for a few minutes and say that he didn’t feel good, or it was more physically demanding and he got tired, and we always ended up going back to the routine he prefers. I am completely insistent on safe sex, and a couple of times he tried to penetrate me without a condom, and that upset me, I put a halt on things. Our relationship was also cooling down from the initial head-over-heels part, we were both busy, so we didn’t have sex that often.

One evening he came over, we spent time together as usual, then I wanted to go to bed as I was tired. He wanted to cuddle so I let him; what I didn’t expect was for him to initiate sex even though I made it clear I just wanted to sleep. I stopped him, he sort of clung on, I felt coerced, he didn’t go all the way and left shortly after. The incident left me feeling violated and used, I just felt like a line had been crossed, and I broke down afterwards, alone. I didn’t know how to articulate why or how I felt, and didn’t confront him or talk to him about it.

That was last year; we were also both very busy, and when we weren’t I found myself planning activities, and avoiding being in situations where we might end up in bed alone together. I stopped having sex with him almost completely, although I did not have a diminished sex drive. I did consider breaking up, however, he’d always been caring, supportive, gentle and stable in other aspects of the relationship, we still enjoyed each other’s company, so I stayed with him.

Recently, a friend asked me if I would consider marrying my current BF, and I realized that I no longer felt sure about a long term relationship or future with him. I think I’ve lost interest in him sexually -- sex is important to me, but I don’t want to do it with him. I like him, but now I’m not sure if I think of him as a romantic partner or a very very close best friend.

I should mention that all the while in the background of these five years I’ve also been having identity upheavals and changes; recently, I decided to come out as bisexual, after having repressed it since my early teens. I found myself yearning to be able to discuss this coming out with him, but I realized that I no longer feel emotionally close enough to have such a conversation.

I don’t know what to do now. I like him, but I think because of past behavior I don’t trust him as a sexual partner any more, and that diminished my feelings of attraction to him. I don’t want to break up, but at the same time I find myself wanting out, just so that I could go back to dating other people again.

He’s completely not into open relationships at all or taking time-outs, so that is out of the question. It’s either monogamy or nothing. The logical solution is to talk to him about it, but I don’t know how to even start -- “I’ve been avoiding sleeping with you for a whole year because I felt violated?” I’m planning to see a therapist. But I also want to hear the hive mind’s thoughts.

Haven't dated since Highschool... help!

Anonymous — Sat, 02 May 2009 18:24:36 -0800

I'm in my mid 20's, and I haven't dated since high school. How do I do this right? (uh, NSFW) I haven't dated since high school. My high school relationships were pretty decent, I had 3 that lasted almost a year, plus the usual fooling around in between. But I was a pretty good girl back then.

Since then, however, I haven't been in a relationship. Haven't met a guy at a bar, haven't even kissed someone, or held a man's hand. Why? Well, I went to a private University, and since then I've traveled/lived internationally a lot, and the few expats in those places are usually much, much older than I. And also, I'm just not the kind of girl who's into anonymous one night stands, or being with a guy "just because". I value relationships, so I'll wait until a decent guy comes along.

Fast forward to now. (my friends want to set me up with a guy I met last week, who I clicked really well with, but this is also a general question) How do I date like an adult? I'm a pretty well balanced, intelligent, mature individual. It's just that my most recent relationship started with "Will you go out with me?", ended with "My mom says we have to break up", and was filled with lots of notes passed in class, and hiding from parents, in between. Ridiculous.

And... about sex. My last tromps? With a barely-pubescent highschool boy on prom night, we had no idea what the hell we were doing, and no, we didn't have sex. I'm a virgin.

Any, any advice at all is appreciated, and I feel like my questions might not even have specific answers, but here's a few to get you started:

-How do typical adult relationships happen? ("typical" is probably the wrong word, though, I know there isn't one)

-I feel like, if I do begin a relationship, I may at first be either highly overwhelmed, or incredibly "giddy"... not because I'm not ready, but because it's been so long since I've been with someone. Excitement is good, but I don't want to push a guy away. How do I keep my emotions/expectations realistic?

-sex: Aside from the million obvious ways, how are sexual encounters with a 25 or 30 year old man different than those with a 15 year old boy? I'm a (technical) virgin, and plan on staying that way till marriage, ( if a guy doesn't understand that, he's not the kind I want to be with anyways), but I'm fully open to the rest of the options. I just don't know what to expect in bed or on the way to bed, and what he expects from me (communication is key, though, I know).

I'll leave this for now. I feel as though I may be coming across a little more "overthinker" than I really am, but this is ASKmifi, so I figured I'd just lay it all out there. Communication in a relationship is number one. I know that. And I'm not rushing into things; life and love will happen as they may.

So, mefites. Advice? Suggestions? Anecdotes? THANK YOU, in advance!

Psychology of unemotional sex

monkey85 — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 07:31:41 -0800

Is there any academic research showing that men can have sex without emotion, i.e. just a "hook up"? Why would this be? A female friend of mine doesn't believe that men can have sex without it being emotional. As a guy who has done this, I disagree vehemently but can't "prove" it except to say, well, *I* say I can.

I am hoping someone might have links to articles that draw on psychology or brain chemistry, etc. to explain why men may be different from women in this respect, or simply how this is possible. I'd like to keep this away from the realm of personal experiences if possible.

Thanks, guys!

Help! I don't want to be a real-life 40 year-old virgin!

mealticket — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 13:20:26 -0800

Ok, so I'm not quite at 40 year-old virgin territory, I'm only 23, but I've been struggling lately, and it's not because I can't find girls that want to have sex w/ me. More inside.... I think I am a pretty good looking guy- in shape, outgoing, nice, funny, etc, but for whatever reason, growing up, I wasn't that interested in girls. Not that I'm gay or bi at all, or that I didn't find them attractive, but I never really got that strong biological urge until I was in college. Once I was there, I had very sporadic encounters with girls, but none that really got "hot and heavy," mostly just kissing, copping a feel, etc. I never had anything close to a girlfriend.

Near the end of college last year, I started seeing this girl that almost any guy would consider to be extremely attractive. Eventually we got to the point where we wanted to have sex and....I couldn't get it up. I tried and tried that first night, but it wasn't happening. I had been drinking but I wasn't super-wasted or anything like that, I just chalked it up to nerves. A couple weeks later, we tried again, this time I was pretty drunk, and again, nothing. This particular girl ended up not being too understanding of my plight and that was pretty much where it ended.

A few months ago, I started hanging out with this new girl who I am somewhat attracted to, but not nearly as much as the previous one. We have been sleeping in the same bed almost every weekend, but still, I have not been able to get it up. It's extremely frusterating because at this point, I feel like I just need to get it over with. I don't have ED or anything like that because I can, and always have been able to masturbate. I'm thinking I might have conditioned myself to be more attracted to girls on my computer screen than ones in my bed.

I am at the end of my line. I don't know if Viagra or something would help, at least to do it the first time, but I know this is going to prevent me from ever having a successful relationship, and that just kills me. If anybody had some advice, please throw it out there, I'm willing to try about anything to make it happen at this point. Also, if there are any details that I might have left out or that would be helpful to formulate a better opinion, feel free to ask me. Thanks!