Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and relationship

I need advice on what to tell my partner.....

Anonymous — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:06:59 -0800

I need advice on what to tell my partner..... After having unprotected sex (no condom, we got tested (negative std tests)) for a few weeks with my partner (we have been dating for less than 4 months) I now feel after doing so, that it was too soon in our relationship for me. I want to go back to using a rubber. How would this look to you if your partner told you that?

How do I fix me?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:33:36 -0800

I feel like my life is over and I'm only 35. I feel completely stagnant and stuck, relationshipwise and jobwise. Do I need to change things or do I need to learn how to deal? Help me figure out how to be a happier person. Is there some Grand Unified Theory that explains all my problems? How do I fix me?

I'm a 35-year-old male who has dealt with lifelong anxiety. Two major things in my life right now have me in despair: my relationship and my job. Neither of these is awful; they are just blah. I can't see either of them improving. I feel like I'm too young to have a midlife crisis, but I feel like I have nothing left to look forward to. My life feels over. I feel like even if I change things, I'll become anxious and unhappy about something else. There are good things about my life, but I just do not know how to be content. Maybe deep down I feel like I don't deserve it.

I have been in therapy with different therapists on and off since I was 17. I've been seeing my current therapist for nearly 9 years, and I like her, and I have insights regularly, and she claims that I've changed for the better, but I still feel unhappy. I am a compulsive self-analyzer, but I can't seem to translate insights into actual change. Isn't the goal of therapy supposed to be to get to a point where you don't need therapy anymore?

I took meds (Celexa) for about 4 1/2 years. I never really felt like it solved things. I don't think I have depression -- I can function fine, I don't confine myself to bed, there are things I enjoy, I have genuine passion for life. It's just that life weighs heavily on me, and it always has.

I get frustrated and stressed out easily by little things in life. I have always worried about death, worried about wasting my life, worried about getting older (even when I was 21). Now I worry about middle age, old age. I'm gay, and I feel like I wasted my youth because I didn't come out of the closet until I was 24. I worry about long-term stress making me ill, which causes me more stress.

My relationship: I've posted a few AskMe's about this before (see here -- I changed details like numbers and dates in that first post because I wanted to be extra-safe about being anonymous), and I hate the idea of being a broken record, and I can see how people who have read my previous AskMe's might shake their heads at me for not having changed anything. But the thing is, I'm just terrified.

In short: my partner and I have been together for six years, and we've been in couples therapy for the last two. We truly love and care about each other and have a cozy, very boring, oxytocin-filled relationship, but we have never had a very sexual relationship, and after discussing it repeatedly in therapy, I'm pretty much convinced we never will. He has practically zero sex drive, and I'm just not sexually attracted to him. We have fooled around together twice -- twice -- in the last four years, and never did much before that. We have an open, don't ask/don't tell arrangement, which means that all my sex is with other people, which means that I can never have sex that includes intimacy, which means a big part of my life is very unfulfilled. Whenever I do start to feel some sort of intimacy with someone, I feel really guilty about it.

I guess the difference between this AskMe and my previous ones is that while I used to think there was a possibility we could eventually have a sexually fulfilling relationship, I've since realized we never will.

He also very much likes having a routine, likes being a homebody except for going to the theater alot (we live in Manhattan) and going to our favorite restaurant. He isn't big on excitement. Me, I need to shake things up every once in a while. That might sound odd, given that I tend to be pretty anxious, but I do like to expand my comfort zone sometimes, while he doesn't.

There are some days when I obsess about breaking up with him. But when it comes down to it, I just can't seem to do it. We have talked in our couples therapy about breaking up, and I would just miss him terribly -- having him next to me at night, talking with him, being with him. Plus, since I'm a very emotional person and I get stressed out easily, I just can't see how I could handle being alone and missing him. Our relationship has major flaws, but I do feel calmer knowing he is there whenever I get totally anxious about something. I cannot imagine being stressed out and having nobody to turn to, especially because I live in Manhattan, which can be a difficult, isolating place sometimes. Would I move into some small crappy studio by myself somewhere? I don't have very many friends, so I don't have much of a support system. (My partner and I are both in a social organization, so there are friends/acquaintances there, and people do like me, but it's hard sometimes because I worry about what people think of me.)

What if I wind up being single for the rest of my life? What if nobody else comes along? What if someone else does come along but that relationship is majorly flawed as well? What if my punishment for breaking up with my partner is that I never find anyone else again? Because, odd as this sounds, I do feel like I would be punished for it. That I am not allowed to change my situation, that I should be thankful for what I have, that I want too much.

Maybe I could keep him in my life, and we could be best friends?

And... what if I end the relationship and I'm still unhappy?

Now for the job situation: this is another thing entirely. My job is not very stressful and is sometimes decent, and I'm thankful for that, especially in this economy. But it's just a boring paycheck for me and isn't at all meaningful. Worst of all, over the summer, my office moved into a sterile office park in the New Jersey suburbs. Now I go to the office two days a week, which is a 1 hour 40 minute commute each way, and on the other three days I work from home, which feels so isolating and makes me feel like I'm not doing anything. I despair of ever getting out of this situation.

I have never known what I wanted to do with my life. I have seen career counselors, I have read career books -- at times I have been hopeful but I eventually despair. I have wanted to be a writer, a therapist, a journalist, a professor. I went to law school, but I didn't really enjoy being a lawyer. Now my job is related to the law, but it doesn't thrill me either. What I *do* like to do is read nonfiction and learn about things. I love learning and I love writing, but I don't think I have the expertise or ability to write nonfiction, and I have little interest in writing fiction. I am good at writing about myself, but who wants to read about me?

See how hard on myself I am?

I am also very fickle -- I can never be sure that what interests me now will interest me a few months from now. The only constant is history, particularly American history.

I feel hopeless at 35, and if the next 50 years are like the last 10, I don't know what I'm going to do, and I am only getting older. I am stuck, stuck, stuck, and I hate it.

I've created a MeFi account that I can't post from yet, but you can email me there if you want.

[relationshipfilter] Suggestions on working within an open relationship (not including, get out of it)?

Anonymous — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 11:59:01 -0800

Offer me suggestions on my open relationship. I believe in it - but still feel a little weird about it. My partner and I have been together for four years now. We are one another's primary partner in terms of emotional relations - but we have essentially a don't ask/don't tell policy with regards to what we each do with other people. We both feel that monogamy works poorly as a universally imposed standard and feel that sexual monogamy is not important to either of us. We certainly don't believe that enforced monogamy "saves" a relationship that isn't going to work on all other counts - so we see no point for ourselves in enforcing it.

Our only rules are - if you have sex, have it safely; and if an outside relationship starts to impact what we have, you have to be forthright about it so we can work through it. We've discussed these issues on several occasions, and I firmly believe both she and I are on the same page about it.

My problem is, although I do honestly believe these things, there is some part of me (maybe linked to too much Disney viewing as a kid?) that feels that I'm doing something wrong if I start to think about acting on this policy - I haven't done so myself, yet, and I don't know whether she has. I think it is probably cultural absorption - but it makes me feel a bit badly. And then of course I feel bad that I'm not living up to what I believe in - at least, abstractly, I'm not down on myself because I'm not chasing hot ladies.

I'm also worried that, despite what I believe about monogamy, if these feelings continue to bother me, it might damage our relationship. I'm not worried about jealousy - thinking about things from her POV doesn't bother me at all.

I'd prefer no responses along the lines of "this is a sin" and "this can never work" - I respect that other people's opinions about whether this is OK to do will differ. But what I'm looking for is specific advice about how to deal with feelings I didn't expect - not lectures on my sinfulness or misguided-ness. (If you want to offer a detailed exposition of where I've mistaken something, that would be OK.)

If you have a relationship like this, do you get these feelings too? How do you work with them? Do you feel that your open partnership works for you? Or have you found that feelings of jealousy or guilt - wherever they come from - have gotten in the way, despite your best intentions?

Boyfriend cannot orgasm during sex.

lwclec072 — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 12:16:41 -0800

After 3 years boyfriend tells me he thinks he may have a sexual dysfunction. My boyfriend cannot orgasm during sex. I orgasm perfectly fine, I finally learned to have a gspot orgasm after 2 years and I can have a clit orgasm, though only through foreplay. He recently told me he doesn't get off during sex after I have found out he was hiding a porn dvd from me and I caught him masturbating a couple times. He blames it on a sexual dysfunction but I seriously doubt that only because I feel if he cannot orgasm during sex, how can he masturbate in under 10 minutes. When I question him about it it only starts a fight between us and he says I'm being selfish for wanting to be able to please him, because I do try. It just hurts me, that all this time he says he enjoys me and that he orgasms, then he breaks down and tells me differently 3 yrs later. It honestly makes me lose trust for him, I feel if he knew he had a sexual dysfunction he would have told me from the start. I really do not know how to deal with this. I know he loves me deeply which is probably why he has hidden it from me to keep from hurting me. He also said he can orgasm with me but he cannot cum when I told him it was practically the same thing he just tells me that I do not understand. I assure him I really do understand and I know that sex should not be all about achieving an orgasm, it's more so about the closeness and intimacy, but still it bothers me knowing I cannot please him. Also any time I have ever talked about bringing toys into the relationship he blows it off like he's not interested. Can anyone help me to understand or possibly offer some helpful tips if youve had similar problems.

A couple side notes, he suggested trying lubes but I always thought lubes were more for women than men. Also we do not use protection so that's not an issue.

Sex with an ex?

bananaskin — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 12:15:25 -0800

I'd like to hear stories or comments from others who have slept with their exes. I am a woman in my 40's....I had dated my ex-boyfriend for about 2 years, off and on. He was an alcoholic & liar during that time. Slept with other women without telling me supposedly during our "off" times, but there were definately overlapping times in which he never disclosed what he was doing. I found out and broke it off, then we got back together and on the cycle went. He no longer sleeps with other women, or so he says. Of course I do not believe him. He stopped drinking 6 months ago. But his basic selfishness & dishonesty continued.

Anyway, during our last break up & no contact for 6 weeks, I finally caved and called him to come over in the middle of the night, "just for sex". Of course, he comes over, jumping at the chance for sex. I had thought in the past, and wonder now if sex was his sole or main desire all along, not a real relationship.

We now have done this 2 times, and the experience was good, I guess. It was just plain sex. There was no intimacy. In fact, the whole thing from beginning to end was in the dark with absolutely no eye contact. I still hate him, but feel good to have this physical comfort, being quite lonely. I am "using" him now, and that feels like some sort of revenge, but I am sure he is not being hurt at all in this, as he enjoys it too.

I just wonder, how do you keep from getting hurt out of something like this? This really is not my nature, as I really want to have an emotional, real, relationship with sex growing out of that. I have found that I feel a little sad and dissappointed with the emptiness, being that the sex is devoid of any communication, intimacy, sharing of emotion. But I find if he just comes over late at night, then leaves right away, I can sort of "compartmentalize" this away from the rest of my daily life.

At the same time, it does feel a little liberating to just use him for sex and enjoy it just for that.

Any other people out there who have done this and have some stories to share or advice?
Thank you.

Tired of all the cliche's

Anonymous — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 07:39:13 -0800

Harry and I got married when I was 42. Ours was a rocky relationship at its worst and absolutely riveting at its best. Even today the passion we share and yes, even the fights we occasionally have are intense, but all the laughter, that is what kept us together. We are sharing our 25th wedding anniversary on our wedding day this December. We are writing vows and I wanted to know what are the little things in relationships that made you love someone the most? I feel like all the things I want to say are cliche I need inspiration. I don't want to disappoint him.

Too horny. Can't think. Need sex.

Anonymous — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 11:34:22 -0800

I'm a mid-20s British male and I haven't had sex for about three years. Manual Overides are barely taking the edge off these days and the horniess is getting so bad I can't think clearly. Help me get laid. Complications inside. Since the end of my last long-term relationship I haven't had sex, kissed a girl, or been on a date. I was pretty good at being a boyfriend, living together, and all that stuff, and I hope to do it again someday but I'm way out of practice right now. I recognise that there are underlying issues with the three year gap (social isolation, self confidence, and so on) but what I'm asking for today is some help in figuring out a way to get laid so that I can actually think straight, instead of just sitting here feeling my pulse throb and my mind swim with thought-blocking sex chemicals.

I'm hoping mefi can help me think outside the box (and therefore get back inside the box, hee hee), but I realise this is probably a stupid question - sorry. Also, I understand that I'm coming at this backwards and that solving some of my other problems would probably indirectly resolve this one, but just give a pass on that one for now please - I'm working on them.

Anyway, here are the options as far as I can see followed by the issues I have with them. Maybe I'm missing something (please Jesus, let it be so).

---
Option #1 - Get a girlfriend:
A. Living with parents.
B. Broke.
C. Have a hairy back (like, chimp hairy). And I'm a bit overweight too.
D. Socially isolated, lacking confidence, that sort of thing.
E. Not honestly sure I want a full-on girlfriend right now because of A, B and D.

---
Option #2 - Go to a bar/club and pick up a girl:
A. Don't like pick-up bar/club environment. Not really sure what to do there, how to do it, or who to. Feel like a Martian in those places.
B. Not sure how dancing works.
C. Worried about catching a disease.
D. Worried that after such a long drought my performance won't be up to satisfying a girl who picks guys up in bars.
E. Don't understand the etiquette of one-nighters.
F. Don't have a place I could take her to anyway.
G. Terrified.

---
Option #3 - Go internet dating:
A. See Option #1 above.
B. Don't want to put a picture of my face on a profile - someone I know might spot me.
C. Not really sure how the whole thing works.
D. See Option #2 above.
E. Terrified.

---
Option #4 - Use a prostitute:
A. No idea how.
B. Morally confusing.
C. Don't want to catch a disease.
D. Budgetary limitations probably place me in the 'crack whore' market segment.
E. Terrified.
F. Not really into breaking the law. Scared of bad guys and the police.

Okay, so those are the options that I've worked out, none of which seem realistic for me right now. For your info I'm overweight (but quite tall with it), not pretty but (I hope) not ugly either, a 'nice guy', big, bald and perhaps a bit unapproachable, and have some not-crippling but not-insignificant self-esteem issues (as I'm sure you've figured out). I look older than I am too. I keep hoping I'll have some serendipitous magical dreamgirl encounter like in Garden State, Lost In Translation (though, less chaste), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Me and You and Everyone We Know and movies like that, but I'm getting tired of making eyes at pretty bookshop sales assistants.

Disposable email at: M8R-758isl@mailinator.com

Finally, if this looks pretty well organised for someone who claims he can't think - I jerked off earlier (sorry), and this took me about two hours to write.

When and how to tell my SO I have an STD?

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 08:41:19 -0800

How do I let my boyfriend know I have herpes? When should I tell him? I recently just started a new relationship and I am dealing with genital herpes. I take care of myself and make sure I am clean and take my medication when I feel a breakout coming. I feel I handle it very well. I didn't tell him about it yet because I did not expect to, frankly, fall for him. It's less than 6 months we have been going out also.

What happened is my ex cheated on me and gave me the virus while we were still together. (I only learned of his cheating AFTER we broke up) but at the time I assumed it was from an old girlfriend. It's possible but something inside of me doubts that scenario for he would have infected me sooner rather than as long as we have been together. Anyways, I really respect this new person in my life and we have been intimate and I kinda get the feeling from his conversations that these things worry the shit out of him. I feel horrible. When is it a good time to honestly tell him? I never felt this way for anyone and this is hard for me. Please help.

Fetish too far vis a vis my girlfriend.

zeek321 — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 14:12:21 -0800

Fetishes and relationships: Help me find objective, balanced, third-party information for my girlfriend. So, I've had a fetish since forever. It was a fascination even before puberty. It's a borderline "fetish too far" as Dan Savage might categorize it. As I've gotten older, I've learned how to talk about it in an open and honest way. I told my now girlfriend of six months about it on the first date, and explained that it was a fundamental part of my sexuality, and that it wasn't something I'd ever expect or pressure her to participate in. My fetish is an *aspect* of my sexuality--we have regular, amazing, mutually satisfying, mildly kinky sex--I have other outlets for my fetish.

She has become curious to learn more about my fetish. She's interested in talking to me about it, and we do, but it's an intense, multi-layered thing to talk about as it touches on sex, trust, intimacy, and the boundaries of our relationship. I've thought about it a *lot*, as it's something I've had to come to terms with in my life, and she feels a bit overwhelmed and not yet able to express her thoughts and feelings around the situation as well as she wants.

So, she's looking for outside information regarding fetishes and relationships (books? articles?) to help her organize her thoughts and feelings around the situation. (I've cobbled together my thoughts from lots of introspection and randomly dipping into the web for years and years, I'm comfortable in my skin and able to verbalize my needs, desires, concerns, and feelings around the fetish/relationship situation.) She's wicked-smart, women's studies, philosophy, history, humanities background, etc., etc. Are there any resources are out there that would be useful to her?

Are those gosh durned kids really having as much free love as the Tv says?

reenum — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 12:24:24 -0800

How accurate are the media portrayals of young people engaging in risky sexual behaviors? Recently, I've noticed that a lot of media outlets seem to be sensationalizing the sexual practices of people in their teens and 20's. These sources would have you believe that these groups are always 'hooking up', they prefer oral sex to kissing, and that now engage in sexual activity first and date if the experience is positive. Things along those lines.

I'm 30, so I was a teen in the early 90's. I find it hard to believe that sexual mores have changed all that much in the last 15 years. Obviously, I don't get much action, so I can't speak from experience. Have things really become as open and free as the media would have us believe?

Are there any studies or news stories that give statistics of how prevalent sexual activity and risky sexual behaviors are in teens and twentysomethings? Anecdotes are also welcome.

How does one erase the illusion of love delivered by the media?

loser8008 — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 22:55:24 -0800

How does one erase the illusion of "love" delivered by the media? Ok. So i don't know completely how to explain this and truthfully might just be caught up in the moment and thinking way to much into the whole situation. I am only 21 and young but confused, and just keep finding myself in the same situation over and over.

To start i would say that "love" has ruined so many things in my life the past 6 years. I have never been in love and have no idea what the meaning of the word really means. But i have been depressed and constantly thinking about what i believe to be "love". That someday i shall meet a girl and be soul mates that true love may exist, that love at first site is a possibility. After taking a psychology class opening many of my views and thinking about all the situations i have been in, i hate the fact that "love" has been implemented into my mind to be something of this nature. Where as in other places, people don't necessarily believe in love, believing in things like marriage to be support and bringing together of two families.

Where i am getting at this is that ever since 6 years ago. I first liked a girl i couldn't have. She had a boyfriend and i waited day by day till they finally broke up which i figured/hoped would happen. Ended up wasting a good year and a half for nothing as i messed up in a way and was never given a chance. About 2-3 years later i feel in the same situation with a girl i worked with, wasted a lot of time limiting myself to wanting to be with her. I still think of her to this day, but realize that the reason i never got a chance was primarily because we both weren't ready to be in a relationship. I still think of her and see that she is in a way immature and insecure and i slowly have stopped to care. Now along comes another girl, haven't none her for long and probably getting carried away. But again i have become obsessed with the current situation and don't want to waste more time limiting myself to the same situation.

Part of me thinks that maybe it is the interaction with the opposite sex that causes me to obsess in a way (not that i don't interact with other girls, it's just i never seem to interact with other women that i particularly find attractive and have interest in) . But as i read past entries of a journal i created and never really kept up with, i realize that the thought of "love" and hope that i hear in every song, in every movie, all over the internet, and on TV. is truly what keeps making me depressed in this horrible state of mind. It gets to the point that i feel that i have an alternate reality in my head of the person and life that i wish to be/have, and with every encounter and mistake i make in reality between women i find that i may never become the person i wish i could be and want to be be in my head

I just wonder how to get to stop caring, worrying, and hoping of this illusion of love. and just move on with life instead of obsessing and becoming desperate over different situations.

Threesomefilter: How does a couple pick up another woman?

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 13:33:12 -0800

We'd really like to have a threesome with another woman. Where do we even begin? My girlfriend and I have a wonderfully healthy and relationship. We’ve been together for almost four years, we are very in love, we have great sex, etc. We also openly recognize that we both have fluid sexual orientations (i.e. we openly discuss our bi/poly tendencies) and we’ve both had varied sexual experiences in the past (i.e. sexual relations with each sex). We’re also both very sexually open, love sex, love being close to other people (I know I know…this sounds like we’re a couple of hippies, but in fact we are young professionals who simply enjoy physical pleasure).
We’ve been discussing having a threesome with another woman for some time. We are both comfortable with the idea, have talked about boundaries and comfort levels, etc (we have also discussed having a threesome with another man, but have decided to start with a second woman). The problem is: how do we make this happen? I read a poll recently that 60% of women in my area (I live in the Pacific Northwest) are open to the idea of group sex. Is this actually true? Are most women open to the idea but are simply too inhibited or can’t find the right couple? How do we find someone interested? Is this something we can just “bring up?” – like at a bar?

We are REALLY hesitant about using things such as craigslist or adult friend finder. We’d much rather meet someone, get to know them a little, have it evolve organically – simply because we aren’t old pros at this sort of thing and we want the women we take home to an interesting person, good conversation, want everyone to feel comfortable and no pressure, etc. We’re not looking to date them, per se, but we are also not interested in just soliciting sex off a website from a total stranger.

Part of the problem is that I have a really hard time “hitting” on women. I always feel that, no matter how genuine I am, I will simply look like a douchebag. I’m a guy who thinks about 98% of all the women I see are completely beautiful and I would love to tell them so, get to know them. But I’m shy and constantly afraid she’ll think I’m some creep. So what do we do? We can’t just approach a random woman we meet and say, “hey, you’re really beautiful and you look really nice…can we buy you a drink?” Or can we? Is that weird? How would we tell another woman that we are interested in her sexually when clearly we’re a happy couple? Do I let my girlfriend do the talking?

Does anyone have any experience with this? If it helps, we’re in Portland, Oregon, mid-twenties, attractive enough, not into anything extremely kinky or crazy, sexually adept but not very experienced in this arena.

Booty call..where/ how to

Anonymous — Thu, 28 May 2009 09:57:24 -0800

If I booty call/txt a guy (i'm a girl) should it be expected of me to show up to his place or should I ask him to pick me up? If I booty call/txt a guy (i'm female, in my 20s) should it be expected of me to show up to his place or should I ask him to pick me up? Background info... I live with my parents, so he can't come over and he lives 45 minutes away. I could drive out there at night, but i'm a bit chicken. Other question for females (ages 18-30) who live with your parents... how do get your casual sex in? Do you get picked up, do you go to the guy's place, where and how do you sneak off to at night when you want to get laid? Do you let friends know where you are?

Don't wanna have sex, he does, what to do?

Anonymous — Tue, 12 May 2009 18:35:48 -0800

My SO wants to have sex, I am not ready. Past reasons included I don't think I will be ready for years. What should I do before I lose this wonderful man? I'm still card carrying member of the V-club. My wonderful significant other wants our relationship to be more physical. I am naturally not a very affection person. We have an engaging, dynamic, warm and loyal relationship. We've been friends before we started dating and I love this man. However, I am not prepared to have sex with him. I've had a past marked by abuse and mental health issues and I am now just coming to terms with being a functioning human being.

I want to be with him, but the more time passes the our arguments about sex turn into resentful periods of silences and frustration. We've been dating for almost a year I love him, but I fear that if "his needs" aren't met we will have no choice but to part ways.

What to do? What to do?

Help -- I've fallen for my housemate!

Anonymous — Fri, 01 May 2009 16:33:51 -0800

OMG-does-he-like-me-filter: help, I've fallen for my housemate! I have two requests for you, MeFites: 1) Please read my [long] story and tell me if I'm totally kidding myself about this situation; and/or 2) Tell me your own story about the time you fell for your roommate, housemate, or close friend. Disclaimers and apologies:
• All this dancing around and should-I-shouldn't-I is annoying and embarrassing and makes me feel like I'm 13.
• I realize this post is very long.
• Apologies for posting anonymously, but my username would give me away immediately if the person in question were to read this.

So, here’s my story. I’ve slept with a friend of mine, several times now. I'm 27, he's 25. We live in the same house but separate apartments (he has roommates, I do not). We spend all of our free time together. If we weren’t sleeping together I’d say we’re very close friends, but obviously you include sex in the situation and you’re not really friends anymore.

I like this guy a lot, and if he feels the same way I would like to attempt a relationship with him, despite the obvious hurdles there would be considering that we live in the same house. The trouble is that I’m having a really hard time gauging his interest. Maybe I’m just kidding myself, but I think he does have feelings for me, on some level. I worry that I'm being too cautious and self-censoring, and it comes across like I don't have feelings for him, so he's doing the same thing. Clearly I need to talk to him, and I will. But before I do, I’m interested to see what the hive mind thinks. Allow me to elaborate on the situation a bit...

When we first hooked up, I was thrilled because I really liked him. I would go upstairs and hang out with him in his apartment, uninvited, and basically follow him around like a pathetic puppy dog, which is pretty typical of me. Very soon – like after a week – he started to back off. I called him on it, and he said he liked me but he didn’t think he wanted a relationship with me. He said he needs space in a relationship, and when he doesn’t get it he starts treating his girlfriend badly, and he didn’t want to do that with me. I was very sad but I respected his position and backed off.

Eventually, things seemed to have settled and we started hanging out again. Of course we slept together again. It’s happened maybe a dozen times over the last five months, maybe more, I’ve lost count. It always takes the same pattern, over 2-4 weeks:

Flirt > flirt heavily > flirt even more heavily > spend every waking second together > sleep together (usually sober, fwiw) > spend the night in his arms > hang out the next day, pretend nothing happened, and start all over again.

Believe me, I realize how dysfunctional this is.

Every time we do sleep together, an ever-smaller part of me holds out hope that maybe this time something will actually come of it. But, because he rejected me before, I try to back off and wait for him to seek me out, and take my cues from how he acts. I always assume that he wants to avoid me, but there he is the next day, standing at my door. He’ll come downstairs and spend the whole evening with me, always of his own volition, but he’s hard to read. He’ll stand in my kitchen while I do dishes and cook dinner, and he plays with my dog, and he talks to me and tells me about his day, and when he runs out of things to say he stands around like he doesn’t want to leave; but when we move to the couch to watch TV we sit at opposite ends. There’s no physical contact at all. At the end of the night he says goodnight and goes back upstairs. This has happened so many times now that I’m kind of numb to it so it doesn’t upset me anymore, but it does make me sad.

What I can’t figure out is, does he spend all this time with me because his feelings have changed vis-à-vis the whole relationship thing, but he thinks I’m not interested because I’m not making a move? Or is he just being clueless? I mean, seriously, we spend ALL of our time together, and he seems to be doing it willingly. We are essentially a couple who sleeps together sporadically. (Christ this is so dysfunctional.) So why doesn’t he need his space now? Is it a control thing – like if I were initiating it he’d pull back, but since he initiates it he’s ok with it? If so, that’s seriously annoying.

I’ve never had many male friends, so I don’t have a good frame of reference and I may be way off base here, BUT: I feel like if he really didn’t have any feelings for me, he would avoid me like the plague after he slept with me, to avoid giving me the wrong idea. I’ve even heard him give that advice to others when his roommates and I are talking about girls and relationships and sex and all that. I know him to be a conscientious and observant person, particularly for a guy, so I’m inclined to think he’s not just being clueless. Am I totally kidding myself here? Am I reading way too much into this?

Or, perhaps he does have feelings for me but he’s conflicted due to his “space” issue. Is it worth trying to convince him that I get it, and I think we could still make it work? Usually I would say that you shouldn’t have to convince someone to want a relationship with you, but maybe this situation is the one exception to that rule. (I’m sure you guys are going to rip me apart for thinking that there are ever exceptions to the relationship commandments, several of which I know I’m trying to break here.)

Or, on the off-chance that The Hive thinks he actually might feel the same way I do... I think I’m being pretty obvious about the fact that I have real feelings for him, but that may not be the case, especially since I’m so afraid of scaring him off. Should I be more forward? Should I cuddle up with him the next time we watch TV together? Even if it’s been almost a week since we last touched each other – or would that be too out-of-the-blue?

I’m terrified of the devastating embarrassment I’d feel if I tried a move like that, and he recoiled and told me I’ve got the wrong idea, or he just froze and acted really uncomfortable. But I also know that I can’t keep on with things as they are. So either I try something like that, or I be more blunt and tell him how I feel and ask him to do the same, or I just drop the whole idea and start avoiding him as much as possible so I can get over him. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on if I think there’s a possibility something could happen.

MeFi, I want to hear your stories about the time you fell for your housemate or roommate or best friend, and what you did about it, and how it ended up. You can give me advice if you like, or just talk. If you think I'm being an idiot, tell me. If you think there's a chance here, tell me. Do your worst! Throwaway email: onlyindreams1234@gmail.com

how to boost libido in a long-term relationship

monkeygenius — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:09:54 -0800

Help us (straight couple in our late twenties) fix our sex life so we can stay together. I'm a woman in a two year relationship with a man also in his late twenties. We've been together for two years. We've lived together for a year, but as he puts it, "we've basically been living together since the beginning." He has never lived with anyone before, but I have. We've had our share of problems, but both of us think we have a really good thing going. The major exception right now is the sex.

We both enjoy sex when we have it, but that's rarely more than once a month. I'm not particularly turned on because I don't feel very desired. He says he just doesn't feel the urge as often as he used to. This has been going on for over a year, but first was attributed to depression/anxiety (he's now on Wellbutrin), then to a need for some personal space, an issue which is now much better.

Typically he has a higher libido, and while neither one of us thinks we're doing it often enough, he just doesn't feel like having sex very often. Me coming on to him doesn't work either. (I've also tried not changing clothes in front of him, wearing nice things to bed, and leaving him alone about it).

The main problem, he says, is that sex is not related to emotions for him; it's more about the thrill of the chase. I realize that this is true of a lot of people, but here it's true to the point of causing problems.

As far as I can tell, emotional intimacy and sexual desire are inversely correlated for him. One idea I had was to try to shift something in the bedroom, not necessarily for further excitement, but just to break us out of habit (sort of like switching which side of the bed you sleep on).

So, two parts to the question, I guess. 1) what are some general things we can do to boost his libido? and 2) what are some things we can try to break out of our routine, that don't involve costumes or toys? (neither of us is prudish, we just don't get into that).

We agree that we're at the point of progressing to marriage, but neither of us wants to do so unless this issue is resolved. Please help us.

Abstinence? 3 and a half years later?!

Anonymous — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 18:27:24 -0800

Abstinence? 3 and a half years later?! Let me start out by saying that I am currently in a sexually active relationship (sort of). We have been together for over 3 years and everything has been great. Until now, I am almost done with my current deplyment (4 months) and I will be home in a matter of days. My girlfriend just broke it to me that she wants to be abstinent. This all comes mostly due to the fact that she is now involved with young life as a leader. Now while I was gone I did like the idea of her being apart of the group, getting out of the house and being socially active instead of being a hermit crab.

I am feeling many things right now. First off on the self-fish side of things I am kinda upset because I haven't had sex in 4 months and I really want it. Not just the act but the connection, the feeling everything that I have been missing out on. Also she didn't really include me at all or ask how I felt about it all or even ask me if I wanted to be abstinent with her.

On the non selfish side of things I am really worried that I am going to get home and some how accidently "corrupt" her. That I am going to be the reason for her down fall if she gives into lust. I orginally planned on staying with her for a few weeks until I get a new apartment but now I feel like if I am sleeping in or around her that I am going cause sexual tension. This really couldn't come at a worse time for me with coming home and now the life I though I was coming home to has now changed. I guess it could be worse she could have cheated on me or something but what am I supposed to do?

How do I state my sexual preferences without sounding like a broken record?

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 10:30:05 -0800

How do I state my sexual preferences without sounding like a broken record? I (early 20's) am in a solid relationship with my boyfriend (early 30's) of one year and we're trusting, respectful, committed, affectionate and all that good stuff. He had sexual experience with long-term partners before we were together so he's sensitive and aware and knows how to turn me on (manually) but he had never given oral sex to a woman before. In my seven-ish years of sexual escapades I've had enough experience to know what works for me and I try to be open and honest about my preferences.

When receiving oral sex, I prefer to enjoy the anticipation of touch for a time before direct clitoral stimulation begins. When this happens, I tend to moan and otherwise express pleasure; he takes this as a sign that I want more pressure and immediate stimulation and so things quickly progress. I've tried saying "I prefer less pressure, especially early on" and "remember that time you teased me for a long time..." and, when necessary "hey, that's too much" but it never seems to stick. That is, he will take what I've said into consideration for a little while but then reverts back to the original technique (or he is gentle during that session but the next time he seems to forget what I asked for).

I should be clear that I believe this behaviour relates to his enthusiasm/arousal and not an intent to ignore what I'm after. He's very willing to give oral sex and so I certainly don't want to discourage him. I'm also cautious about being too critical or giving only negative feedback as I'm his first partner in this regard and I want him to know that I appreciate his generosity. I want to get my point across without repeating myself every time we're together - how can I accomplish this? Or, more generally, how do people prefer to receive sexual feedback?

I want a monogamous relationship, but how come sometimes I just want to tell him to go hook up with other women?

Anonymous — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 11:30:15 -0800

He is 26. I'm 26 (female). We're are in a monogamous relationship. I want a monogamous relationship, but how come sometimes I just want to tell him to go hook up (have sex) with other women? I don't have one definite explanation to why I feel this way because it could be a combination of several, one being that my ex cheated on me. I am curious to know if anyone here has ever had that thought and why? and if you expressed it to your SO? how did they react? what do I need to do to stop this?

How to tell a boyfriend I've been faking it?

Heidelberg — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 10:58:06 -0800

NSFW: question about faking orgasms, relationships, and how to fix everything. Before we get started, I've already read this previous question on pretty much the same topic. But this gets a little more complicated.

The poster in that question was asking how to tell her boyfriend of three months that she's been faking orgasms her entire life and the general response was "you should be honest with him, and hey, at least you didn't wait for three YEARS into the relationship!" Well, what if, like me, you HAVE waited for three years?

My situation is similar to the first poster's: I've never orgasmed with a partner except once with the help of a vibrator. I can masturbate on my own (on my stomach, using pressure with my hands rather than any penetration). I'm in my late 20's. The current relationship started as a not-serious fling, so I faked along. Things got serious; I'm expecting a proposal within the next month or two. I want to tell him - I know I need to tell him. But how? After three years?

Second part: I want to fix this, and I think it's more a mental issue than anything. Do I start by telling my OB/GYN? What will she look for? If I need to go into therapy, do I go to a sex therapist or any therapist? How do I find a sex therapist? (This is in Chicago, if it matters).

In a relationship, need friends.

Anonymous — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 14:40:40 -0800

I'm in a long-term relationship and I hardly have any friends. How do I get some? I'm a mid-30s gay man. My relationship with my partner has a big problem: he has close to zero sex drive. I elaborated in this previous post, in which I slightly changed some numerical data (age, time frames) out of fear of discovery. The short version: we rarely have sex -- the last time was over the July 4th weekend, and before that it had been 2 1/2 years. We have an open relationship -- he doesn't mind if I play around, as long as he doesn't have to know about it. So I play around. A lot. But I'm not fond of anonymous sex without chemistry. I crave the intimacy that comes with sex, and I can't seem to achieve that intimacy with my partner. We're in couples' counseling, where we talk about sex and intimacy and all that good stuff.

So, I need more social intimacy and connection in my life. I feel like I need to get more friends. Neither my partner nor I have very many friends at all. We're both introverted (he moreso than I; I need more human contact than he does). We rarely socialize with others. On the weekend, he's content to sit all day at his computer or watch TV while I secretly go online and look for people to have sex with, because I feel so bored and lonely and neglected. In our counseling, we've discussed the fact that I feel angry that we never do anything on the weekend. Thing is, if I want us to go out and do something, I should come up with something. But I can never come up with anything. We do a lot of stuff during the week, though. We sing in a chorus together, we go to the theater, we have couples' therapy, I have my own individual therapy. And then Saturday and Sunday arrive and we do nothing. And I *hate* sitting around all weekend doing nothing.

Oddly, I don't mind sitting around and hanging out in gay chat rooms or looking for sex, because that makes me feel like I'm being social. But clearly it's not a "healthy" kind of social because it doesn't lead to real social intimacy.

So, again. I need more social intimacy in my life.

One question is whether we should be looking together for other couples to become friends with, or if I should go and find my own friends. Probably both. The problem with finding my own friends is that I worry that my partner will think I want to have sex with my friends. This is partly projection; I do, in fact, want to have sex with some of my friends. So my sexual desire keeps me from forming friendships; I'm afraid of getting too close to people who are not my partner because I'm afraid there will be sexual tension or that I will want to have sex with them. And if I'm not sexually interested in someone, I don't see the point in being friends with them.

As I type that, it sounds really bizarre. Why do I sexualize the idea of friendship so much? Probably because I'm not getting regular sex in my relationship.

I suppose someone might suggest that I get myself some female friends. But how do gay men actually *find* female friends? I don't want to befriend a woman who's just looking for her fabulous gay male friend. I am not fabulous. I'm not stylish, I can't provide fashion advice, I'm not good at the "you go, girl!" thing. (I probably have some internalized homophobia here.) I know that not every woman who has a gay male friend is a stereotypical "fag hag." So, I want friends who actually like me for who I am. How do I find them?

But also, I'm kind of nervous around women, because I don't totally know how to act around them without feeling like I'm being flirty. (Again -- am I oversexualizing?)

I live in a major U.S. city, by the way, so there are likely tons of options.

I realize there are several interrelated questions here. Feel free to answer any or all of them.

Are good conversations a necessity for a good relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 16:06:54 -0800

I was a late bloomer. I was painfully shy and didn't date until I was 24. I'm at a turning point of the longest relationship I've had (almost a year). I don't know if I'm in love or not. Or if that's even the right question. We dated for 6 months. She was the sweetest, most understanding, genuinely wonderful person I've been with. But our conversations never really went very far. We didn't make each other laugh. I think our brains just worked differently.

Another rough spot for us was sex. I had slept with a two people before I met her, and neither were serious relationships. I was irrationally afraid of having sex with someone I really cared about, and so we never got that physically intimate.

We broke up. I started it, but she also felt things weren't quite working. She suggested we could still be friends-with-benefits for awhile. She dated other people, but nothing stuck. We slowly continued our supposedly non-relationship. We started having sex. My feelings for her grew. Over the next 6 months, each time I saw her, she seemed prettier. I missed her when she wasn't around. I was insanely jealous when she dated other people. While our conversations didn't become much more interesting and we didn't magically start making each other laugh... I found myself wondering if those things were really important. I liked just being around her. Did I really need someone who could overthink a plate of beans like I did?

The more I've grown attached to her, the harder it becomes for me to answer that question. I go back and forth wondering if talking and joking is a means to an end (emotional closeness, which seems to be happening) or something that's intrinsically necessary for a long-term relationship, or even just a sign of two people who are right for each other. Am I right to be stuck on this? Or am I just using it as an excuse because I'm afraid of intimacy? Or am I being unrealistic about what relationships are?

She recently suggested only one-quarter-jokingly that we might be able to get back together. It's hard to say that we're not together already. In any case, I know we can't keep on pretending to have it both ways.

I can see answers coming that say "if you can't decide, she deserves someone who can". That may be true, but it doesn't help me. I'm truly torn up about this. So, I look to you guys for advice. Thanks, Mefi.

Fetish vs. Phobia: recipe for disaster?

Anonymous — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 22:33:40 -0800

A potential romantic partner has a very specific phobia. As luck would have it, it happens to be pretty much the exact thing that is my very private fetish. I have never shared it with anyone and don't plan to share it with anyone. Are we doomed, or could we somehow make this work to our advantage? For the purpose of explanation, let's refer to my fetish as a mild thing for gingers/redheads. I have never sought out romantic partners based on this, I have never dyed my own hair red or encouraged others, I try not to be noticeable when I spot them out in public, and the closest I get to porn is, for example, a fully clothed shot of Prince Harry. Still, it's the kind of thing that I think other people would find incredibly weird, and I would be mortified if it ever got out. I keep it very much inside my head, and while I do have a lovely and comfortable sex life, it usually involves fantasies around this subject. I've had it for as long as I can remember.

So I'm doing the usual deep get-to-know-you thing with this guy, and things are going really, really well. Then he mentions that when he was younger, he got beat up by a redhead, and ever since then he has had a complete phobia of redheads. "I just look away," he says. His ex used to make fun of him for it, too, which is totally not cool. I get the feeling that his phobia is about as pervasive and rational as my fetish, but I am certainly not someone to make fun, especially in a situation like this.

Now, while I obviously would not display this fetish in front of him (or anyone else, for that matter), I don't want to run the risk that he accidentally sees that I've looked at YouTubes of Geena Davis or whatever. But I also have another thought: could we somehow work together on it? Like, for example, I am accustomed to spying redheads out of the corner of my eye; could I then warn him not to look?

Any ideas?

No throwaway e-mail here. Anonymous because obviously I don't even want it to get out that I HAVE a fetish.

Mysterious new relationship sadness and uncertainty

Anonymous — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 17:26:12 -0800

I'm having trouble understanding and dealing with a sudden wave of sadness which came over me while leaving a new romantic partner's house. (Overly long relationshipfilter details follow.) I have been seeing X (who is a woman, I'm a man, we're in our early 30s) on and off for a month and a half or so, and overall things have been going well. We've spent a lot of time with each other, and have talked in great detail about our lives and past relationships, and had lots of good sex. But a few days ago when I was leaving her house I was suddenly struck by an overwhelming feeling of sadness, and ever since then I've been feeling really depressed and obsessing about our relationship. I need help understanding where the feeling comes from and getting some perspective on the relationship.

I've heard of people getting sad after sex, but it's never really happened to me before. The thing that is most puzzling to me is that I can't tell what the cause of the sadness is. I definitely feel that it's about X, but I can't tell what the actual cause of it is. I almost feel as if I'm mourning the loss of her before we've actually broken up. Directly before that we'd been talking about her past sexual experiences and my previous long-term relationship.

As a little background, we've been seeing each other a lot but we haven't really had the talk about whether we're dating other people and if we want to be monogamous. I feel like we're going to need to have the talk pretty soon for my own comfort, but I've been a little put off because I'm having a hard time reading her and what her romantic feelings towards me are. I've occasionally felt that when I've made overtures to her that hinted at deeper feelings, she didn't quite reciprocate. She does seem to enjoy hanging out with me, but in moments of doubt I wonder if it's a sexual thing. And I always seem to be the one who initiates contact with her.

X is extremely independent, and that's something that really attracts me to her and also something I value highly in myself. It really bothers me that my own emotional state suddenly seems to be so affected by her in such a negative way - it makes me feel vulnerable and needy. My last relationship was kind of unhealthy that way and I hoped I had outgrown that.

So here are the things I need help with:

1. How can I get a gauge on her feelings towards me without seeming clingy or desperate? In particular, I'm worried that if I bring up the whole monogamy / relationship talk at this point, I'll be rushing things.

2. How can I disengage a little and not be so worried about (1)? I need some practical techniques to obsess over her and the whole situation less, or at least to become more at ease with things being sort of up in the air right now.

3. The sadness I was talking about is still with me several days later and I'm having trouble understanding what its source is and getting over it. Right now I can't really talk to my good friends who I'd ordinarily consult about this (logistical reasons) and I would appreciate any advice about it.

(Private advice is also welcome at omne.animal.triste.est at gmail.)

Single and loving it. Except... I miss the in-between-the-sheets workout. So now what?

Anonymous — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 17:52:58 -0800

Single and loving it. Except... I miss the in-between-the-sheets workout. So now what? So I've been single for a couple of months, and, for the time being and the foreseeable future, I'm going to stick to that status. However, I miss having sex. The actual sex part of sex, touching and being touched in a skin on skin way, the sexy talk, the endorphin release and all that jazz. "Why," I hear you say, "have yourself a steamy one-night stand and be done with it." Yeah. Well, I've only had one one-night stand before - and it was with a friend, at a wedding (after, after!), and I've known him for some 16 years and it was one of those I-just-know-it'll-happen-one-day type situations. Anyway, it was the only time I slept with someone only once. The sex wasn't even that great (we were a bit drunk, it being the wedding of a mutual friend and the free booze and all that), and the next few days I felt... like I'd had like a "flash relationship", like it had started and finished on the same night, and it was weird and slightly uncomfortable, and not because of unmet expectations or anything. He called me about a week later in one of those "is everything ok with you since we've... you know", and it was. It's been about two years since, by the way.

Another thing is, I tend to get into relationships even if at first I think I'm just getting some action. I think this has to do with sleeping with friends/acquaintances as opposed to some random (albeit hot) guy I've just met. As Ali G. once said, "If you ain't careful, sex can lead to some terrible fings: herpes, squat rot, or even worse: somefing called "a relationship."" I think it also might have something to do with the fact that most guys, faced with a chick who's not following them around begging for a relationship in turn find out that's exactly what they want, but that's a whole 'nother issue. One thing's for sure: I don't want that right now. But then of course, as you might have gotten already, at the same time I can't really invision picking up random guys I don't even know, not because I think it's morally objectionable but rather because it's not my thing, I'm a low profile individual that way and in the end it just may be I don't really feel like getting in the sack with someone I don't know at all, for various reasons. I mean, I don't want to feel weird about having a strange guy in my bed or waking up in his. I'm not into online dating either. Nor am I into those group-hugging deals. I have close friends and family I can hug, fortunately.

Here comes the question: have you ever felt like this? What did you do? Did you have a (or more) one-night stand or did you find yourself a no-strings-attached sexual friendship? No? Did you put off sex until you wanted a relationship again? Did you spend a hefty sum at a sex shop on those toys you'd always wanted to try? Did you get a day at the SPA with a relaxing massage to make up for the lack of touching? How do/did you cope? In what ways does that relate to the way you feel/think about/rationalize one-night stands and no-strings-attached relationships?

For context, I'm of the female persuasion, 30, good looking (as in, getting a guy into bed isn't the difficulty here at all), I masturbate regularly. I'm not including a throwaway e-mail because of the nature of this post - I mean, posting something about one-night stands and then giving out an e-mail just sounds wrong. So sorry Jessamyn, if it ends up meaning bothering you.