Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and psychology

Dom in bed, sub in life

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 12:32:18 -0800

Dominant in bed, submissive in life - how to get over feeling like a weirdo? http://ask.metafilter.com/124300/Dom-in-life-sub-in-bed

In the exact reverse of the question asked earlier today, I am wondering about dealing with the guilt I feel about the disconnect between my daily personality and my actions in bed. I am very easy going, friendly, and solicitous towards everyone, especially partners, but sexually I am only interested in rough sex where I am the supplier of pain and various domination scenarios (nothing extreme or damaging and not overly complicated bondage, just exertions of power and mild humiliation).

I never really made the connection between my out-of-bed and in-bed personae before...but recently it has begun to worry me. Am I taking out frustrations with being nice and sweet and adept at social niceties and following rules on my partners? I know that is more of a question for my therapist, so instead I will ask restate what the last person asked:

"I was just wondering if anyone else has dealt with this particular issue and how they reconciled these conflicting attitudes in their minds. I just want to stop feeling like there is something "wrong" and just be able to pursue all my goals without feeling like a (sniveling revenge-taking creep)."

I don't think it matters to answer this question, but I am a male. Thanks!

Sublimation—does it work?

Busoni — Sun, 10 May 2009 11:17:02 -0800

Is the theory of sublimation—the idea of channeling sexual energy into creative or physical output—still considered valid? Is there evidence that it "works"? I was reading a biography of Leonardo da Vinci, written fairly recently, as I recall, by a surgeon and science writer (Sherwin Nuland). In it, he states somewhat matter-of-factly the likelihood of Leonardo having channeled his homosexual desires into his art, such that expressions of his libido were nonexistent. This is paraphrasing, but that was the essential message. Now, I'm not an expert in psychology, but I thought such reliance on Freudian terms was odd. But since it was from an actual medical doctor, not a literature professor (which would have been less surprising), I began to wonder if there was something to it.

So, my question: is there evidence that this concept of sublimation is valid? Can a person make better art and be more productive by curtailing sexual activity? And conversely, can a person diminish or eliminate sexual desire by committing himself to his art or profession? I'll take personal anecdotes as well as second-hand ones.

How can I stop thinking about knocking boots with every lady I see?

Anonymous — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 10:57:13 -0800

I'm having pervasive sexual thoughts. How do I make them stop? (NSFW) I'm a 30 year old male. I've only had one sexual relationship in my life. I look at porn almost everyday, and have a large selection of porn mags.

Recently, whenever I see a woman who is even a little attractive, I start having thoughts of myself and the woman having sex. I can't seem to stop these thoughts.

I've got an appointment with my therapist next week, but what can I do in the interim to make these thoughts less pervasive?

What are the social benefits of pornography?

vizsla — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 18:25:32 -0800

Does porn benefit society? Over the years we've read a lot about the ills of pornography but the world doesn't seem to be falling apart any faster than it was before the internet came along. What's the latest thinking on this? For example, does anyone know of any studies, stories or anecdotes where the use of pornography helped someone or solved some sort of societal problem? Does it help pacify or inspire potential rapists? Does it keep marriages together or break them apart? From personal experience, I remember when I first saw pornography it opened up a whole new world of experience and excitement for me. Nowadays most of it for me is just like pleasant oggling of the bikini-clad page three girl in newspapers in days gone by. What's going on?

Where can I find help in dealing with a sexual fetish?

ninepin — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 21:42:25 -0800

Where can I find therapy which will allow me to understand / cope with / overcome a fetish? Since early adolescence I've been attracted to watching women smoke. For many years I never understood these feelings and prior to the dawn of the internet just figured there was something "different" about me and that I was likely the only one on earth who felt this way. I've often tried to comfort myself in the fact that, as far as "fetishes" are concerned, this one is relatively benign (doesn't involve children, humiliation, pain, barnyard animals, etc) and that I should somehow learn to accept it, however I'm very uncomfortable with it in general and it has definitely interfered with my goal of obtaining a loving, committed relationship.

I've read most of what I could find online in regards to the psychology behind sexual fetishes and most of it has been rather vague and deals more with learning to accept / find a healthy outlet for these feelings instead of ridding oneself of them. I know that since I've been "this way" for so long (I'm now 33) it is unlikely that I'll ever be completely free of this but it is imperative that I find some sort of help or resolution. Negative feelings about my sexuality have brought about drug & alcohol abuse, bulimia, depression, and social isolation. Over the years I've contemplated everything from chemical castration to suicide. And the situation is complicated further by the fact I'm grossly uncomfortable actually "talking" about it. (in fact, this post is only the 2nd time I've ever actually admitted it) I revealed it to my most recent partner who I was deeply in love with at the time and the results were unfortunately, quite horrible.

I've read that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has yielded some success when it comes to sexual fetishes but I have no idea where to start, what results are realistic to expect, or how to find someone who has experience with helping those with fetishes. I know the mind can be incredibly malleable and many aspects of my fetish have changed / evolved over time but my ultimate goal is to experience "normal" sexual attraction to the female body.

I guess my question boils down to:
A) Where can I find a therapist who has experience in dealing with sexual fetishes.
B) What types of results are realistic to expect from treatment?

If anyone would rather respond privately I can be reached via effinconfused@gmail.com

Is "your type" hard-wired in youth?

whitneykitty — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 10:32:39 -0800

Is the type of person you're attracted to or consider attractive hard-wired in you during childhood? I remember reading an article several years ago about how people's types are hardwired in them by the age of six. Have warm, fuzzy interactions with a red-haired, shy boy in the sandbox, you'll grow up with a thing for red-haired shy boys. I can't find the article or even a book explaining more about this.

I genuflect before the awe-inspiring and awesome AskMeFi :)

Thanks!

Why have people always thought this?

dmaterialized — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 07:28:40 -0800

So, despite no one having told me this through high school, now that I'm in college I've been informed that everyone, everywhere, thinks I'm gay (and high school friends have confirmed this, now that I've asked). Men, women, doesn't matter. I am aware that I have a (very) slight lisp, which I hate because I can't control it (from birth). I am aware that I'm upbeat and tend to talk fast when excited. My body language is probably somewhat submissive, but I don't think it's THAT bad. I'm shy around a lot of women, don't make eye contact a lot, and a lot of guys don't like me because I'm not that into the "guy topics of conversation". Aside from, you know, how EFFING HOT random girl #43 is. (Cause she was!) The point is, I'm disturbingly straight and finding out what everyone really thinks has thrown me for a huge loop--not only am I being perceived as something I'm not, but it's also been (continually) detrimental to my success with women and social acceptance by guys... and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. Anyway, I've had two long-term sexual relationships (with girls, lol) and a bunch of shorter ones, and at 20 I feel that's a decent amount. They've not felt this way about me-- it's just the overwhelming majority. So it's not like I CAN'T get laid, just that it isn't usually something that works out. (I've had girls actually say "Oh my god! I thought you were gay, I'm sorry!" It's depressing as hell.) If I actually was gay, maybe I'd have better luck, but no dice there.

I mean, fuck it. I'm rather short (5' 6"), I'm a Buddhist, I keep my opinions mostly to myself, I tend to smile a lot (which I don't like--it's probably out of nervousness). Do these qualities somehow magically combine and produce a giant Caught Teh Gay arrow over my head? The point is that I'm having horrible self-esteem/body image issues because of this-- I hate that I smile so much, I hate the way I talk even though I can't control it, I hate all these behaviors of mine because people are reading them wrong. Every time something comes up to remind me that yes, this is how people see me, I feel completely betrayed. This is about the only thing in my life that consistently brings up thoughts of suicide. And, considering that my life is so great and that otherwise I'm so happy, I just want to get this at least marginally under control. Before I knew about all this, I just lived my life-- and now I'm a nervous wreck selfesteemwise.

I want to make people aware of the fact that I'm straight, but girls (you know, the so-called "intuitive ones" of our species) tend to not get the hint unless I stare at their cleavage for hours. And even then, not always. Hey, it's not like I don't want to :) but I feel like doing it to their face is just rude (and it is). Also, once girls are at the point where they find out I'm not gay, I'm in the "friends zone"-- meaning that, while it's good that someone else knows, it doesn't help the cause. The more gorgeous the girl, the longer it takes for this to happen.

I don't understand why some guys-- who are certainly not pigs and are certainly artistic, not macho, etc. do not get lumped into this category. I go to a very liberal college where most guys are artsy and effeminate (or slightly so) while the gay men are FLAMBOYANT AS ALL HELL (and really creep me out--I've got no problem with their preference but they act like a dialed-up version of every gay stereotype you've ever heard of) and if I'm reading this right, people are lumping me in with them. AAAAAAH!

So, the question(s): What makes people think a guy is gay? What (body language or speech patterns specifically) might convey this, or convey "straightness"? Does this kind of juvenile thinking somehow go away after college? Should I just move to fucking Europe or something? How can I just act like one of the guys? (that's all I want to be!) Why is it that people are always talking about the gay men who they "couldn't tell at all", yet I'm instantly categorized despite my long-standing infatuation with Tha Pussy? How can I really, seriously be less effeminate? I'm honestly willing to do a lot to get this shit over with. Any ideas?

Perhaps I should become a Buddhist monk and leave the situation.

Jake Apathy — Sat, 17 Jun 2006 11:16:02 -0800

Wow. My sexuality is really messed up. I was abused by my mother as a child. In addition to physical and emotional abuse, I was abused sexually to a degree. We never had sex or anything, but there was definitely a degree of touching and kisssing that is inappropriate for a mother/child relationship. This is in addition to all of the inappropriate other things she would do - walk around the house partially clothed, show me movies that were inappropriate for my age, and make various comments about sex that you would never want to hear from your mother. She was what my psychologist refers to as a "seductive mother."

Once I reached puberty, I started to get the feeling that the touching between my mother and myself was gross and wrong. I drew away from her, and didn't want to be touched at all - not even hugged. She would not accept this, and insisted on touching me anyway. Whenever I would object, she would make fun of me and tease me for it.

As a result, I developed a serious fear of intimacy. I've never been able to have normal relationships with women. I'm in my late 20s, and the longest relationship I've ever had was 4 months. I've probably had sex less than 25 times in my life. To be honest, I don't even really enjoy sex or being touched. The only way I've ever been able to have sex is to spend the whole time thinking about my sexual fantasies, which inevitably tend towards the BDSM end of things. I've had a number of problems that most likely relate to this, everything from substance abuse to OCD.

So, what to do?

I've been seeing a psychologist, and he's made some suggestions that I'm really skeptical about. He has suggested that I start visiting a massage parlor to become accustomed to being touched. He came close to suggesting that I go to a "happy ending" massage parlor, except that I objected strenuously before he could finish. He also suggested that I see a sexual surrogate. This is something that I object to, but I really don't know why. I guess it's not unethical to see a sexual surrogate. It's just gross, in my opinion.

Is my shrink giving me bad advice? Should I see a different one? Does anyone else have experience overcoming sexual abuse (that they want to talk about)?

I should also mention that I've suffered from interstitial cystitis for most of my life. I'm currently taking elmiron for it, which has helped drastically (I was this guy). For the first time in my life, I'm physically capable of having a sexual relationship, but I'm too neurotic to actually handle sex. Also, due to my condition, I can't drink alcohol, and after I have an orgasm, I must spend at least a half hour doing stretches. Has anyone here managed to find a healthy and fulfilling sex/dating life in spite of IC?

More male bottoms then female tops?

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Jan 2006 11:01:10 -0800

BSDMFilter : Is it true that there are far more male bottoms then there are female tops? If not, why are men willing to pay so much money to see a domme?

If so, how did it get this way? What is a sub male to do?

The origin of sexual vocalisations...

0bvious — Tue, 10 Jan 2006 20:40:30 -0800

When we have sex it is usually women who utter the most vocal noise. What are the possible evolutionary origins of this? Can this phenomenon be found in any other animals? Has any research been done on whether female sexual utterances are physical or psychological in origin?

Am I completely off the mark with my original assumption?

Need help in choosing a psychologist.

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Nov 2005 13:17:54 -0800

Need help in choosing a psychologist. I need to find a psychologist or social worker. Here's my deal -

Male. Late 20's. Was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused as a child and adolescent by my mother. Difficulty being intimate and forming relationships with women, despite being heterosexual. Self esteem/self hatred issues. Lots of problems.

Here are my questions -

1. Should I choose a Psychologist or Social Worker? Psychologists seem to me like a better option since they have to go through more schooling, but this could just be a bias on my part. (Psychiatrists are not an option since I oppose medication)

2. Should I choose a male or female therapist? Common sense would dictate "male," since I am male and have problems with women. However, it is possible that a woman could be more helpful and offer insight that a male therapist couldn't.

3. What questions should I ask when interviewing possible therapists over the phone, to help determine whether they can help me or not? I'm new in town, and a referral isn't really possible.

4. I have the World's Worst Insurance (tm), and the psychologists that I have called seem offended that I got their number from my insurance database. Why is this? Should I avoid telling them where I got their number? Right now, my only option is to choose a random name from this big list of providers that my insurance gives me. (And yes, I do need to see someone in-network, even though the people most likely to help me don't even take insurance)

I hope this isn't too heavy of a subject. I normally am not a fan of "therapyfilter," however, I don't really have anyplace else to turn on this. I can't very well ask a psychologist!

How do you confront your SO about trolling for sex on the internet?

jpoulos — Mon, 04 Oct 2004 11:49:32 -0800

Note: I'm asking the following on behalf of a friend...

How do you confront your SO about trolling for sex on the internet? Particularly if you've discovered this in a dishonest way: by logging into his email account.

Many months ago, my SO told me his email password. I never planned on using the information, but I became suspicious a few weeks ago. The first time I logged in, there was a single message that was clearly a flirtatious exchange with a woman. It bothered me briefly, but there was no evidence he was planning on meeting up with her (it seemed more like an erotic email correspondance), so I didn't give it more thought. I also felt that, given that what I had done was grossly unethical, I didn't have the right to be angry. I felt really bad about what I'd done.

I have no way, then, to justify why I checked his email again today. This time, there was a reply from a "pro" telling him her rates. He'd asked her what she did and what she charged.

I was planning on spending the rest of my life with my SO. And I've told him on more than one occasion that I'm opposed to the idea of occasional infidelity, knowing that we're only human, but he said he didn't want that, that it was a terrible idea. So in addition to being angry about his apparent change of heart, I am mad because we're trying to save money for a vacation and--in the far-off future--a wedding. We don't make a lot of money. The idea that he'd be willing to pay for (vanilla, straight-up) sex is really upsetting to me.

I know that I committed a grievous error in judgement by checking his email. But I feel as though I need to discuss the email with him, because it seems indicative of a larger problem. How do I approach him about it?

Sexual Behavior

adrober — Tue, 16 Dec 2003 14:47:45 -0800

Why are sexually promiscuous men "studs" and sexually promiscuous women "sluts"? And on that note, is it studly or slutty to hook up with one person on a Monday and go out with a different person on a Tuesday? Just asking.