Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and pregnancy

Help us have sex again

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 09:40:33 -0800

My luverly wife and I had a baby a few months ago. He's a great little feller. We're now ready, physically, to have sex again but... (possibly NSFW) We haven't had sex in a long time, we pretty much stopped as soon as we found out we were pregnant. Our married sex life has always been quite unhealthy (unlike pre-marriage, which was great - WUWT?) but we love each other and all that and it's not threatening the relationship or anything.

But now we're ready to start again. Except I don't know where to start. Or how to start. My wife is beautiful and wonderful and she can certainly arouse me but the idea of going back to the awkward sex we were having for the year or two preceding the baby isn't exactly appealing.

I want us to do it right this time around and try to either get back to where we were pre-marriage or go somewhere different (if those carefree teenage-like mega-session-rompings aren't capable of being repeated).

Over-disclosure necessary as this is being posted anonymously: I'm game for anything, she's very sensitive and doesn't like much foreplay other than digital stimulation. I would love to get beyond her body issues (she won't let me do oral and any kind of general touching is, apparently, just tickling as far as she's concerned) but I don't know if that's possible. She likes sex, but something went wrong somewhere along the line (probably my fault, directly or indirectly) and I'd like to fix it. Naturally, suggesting that something is wrong and needs to be fixed would probably upset her quite a bit.

Please help. I'd really appreciate it if you could give specific advice (as opposed to "rekindle the romance" or "show her that you care and it's not all about sex".) Especially bearing in mind that we have a wee baby in the house so romantic getaways and things like that are a bit hard. Personal experience would be greatly valued and if you don't want to share here, feel free to write to me at readytohavesexafterbaby@gmail.com

Thanks, in advance.

Pregnancy block?

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 11:47:51 -0800

We agreed to start a family, but now there is no sex. Help! My husband and I have been married for four years. In that time period, I've had two miscarriages (one from an unplanned pregnancy, one from a planned one). I've wanted children since before we got married, but my husband was neutral/on-the-fance -- or so I thought. When I first became pregnant--accidentally (yes, it really was an accident)--about 3 months after we got married, he was very stressed out by the news and blurted out that he did not want children at all. This, of course, caused all sorts of stress for both of us. I had a miscarriage after 8 weeks and was devastated and became depressed (and went on anti-depressants for about a year, on the advice of my doctor). It was a very difficult year that followed. We finally made a huge effort to work through our differences because we really love each other and wanted our marriage to survive--and I came to accept the fact that we BOTH had to be on the same page about children, and that it might never happen because of our differences of opinion. Things did finally stabilize and we returned to our normal, happier selves, and we both put the whole issue on a back burner, because we did not want to continue arguing about an issue that was deadlocked.

Fast forward a year-and-a-half. One day, my husband approaches me (this was completely unsolicited) and says that he is ready to have children and that he's given a lot of thought to this. I believe him, because he does not take such changes of heart lightly. Of course, I am totally overjoyed. We start "trying" that night. A few months later, I'm pregnant again, but this time, both of us are very excited. Unfortunately, I have another miscarriage around the same 8-week mark. This time, though, it was not as difficult or traumatic, because I have done a lot more reading and know that this is relatively common, and, importantly, I have the support of my husband. It was still tough, but we coped together as a team and that made it much easier than the first time.

Fast forward one year. Our sex life has gradually dwindled to almost nothing. It has been so gradual, even though I've noticed somewhat, I haven't been too concerned until 3 or 4 months ago. We are getting along fine, but my husband, inexplicably, has almost no sex drive whatsoever. When I try to playfully/sweetly/sexily initiate sex (hey, I've tried everything) he is either too tired, not feeling well, too preoccupied, too...you name it. Sometimes he'll just laugh good-naturedly and say nothing, and if I continue kissing/flirting/touching lightly etc., he'll brush me off (always with a friendly smile/chuckle) and say something cryptic like, oh, now, hey--and then turn his back to me and go to sleep. He NEVER initiates sex anymore. I don't know what to make of this. I'm really confused, but if I (very gently) try to talk about it, he just breezily says that he's been tired/preoccupied/busy lately (even when he hasn't been any of those things). The few times I've pressed for more information, he gets irritated. I love sex (just because it's fun, doesn't need to be a baby-making expedition, and I've never treated it as such, as I'm perfectly happy to engage in all sorts of sexual activity that couldn't possibly result in a pregnancy) and am really missing this element in our marriage. Is it possible that he really doesn't want children afte all, and is subconsciously trying to ensure (by having no sex, ever) that I can't possibly get pregnant again?

Damn the underwear; full speed ahead!

Anonymous — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 21:07:20 -0800

Can sperm in precum fight their way through two layers of underwear? What about two layers of underwear, and two layers of pajamas? Does the material matter? Realistically, what are the chances of an accidental pregnancy from, say, rubbing a penis against a vagina if they're both very aroused, but also within underwear? Assume I'm quite virile.

Can protected sex change a menstrual cycle?

Anonymous — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 06:08:11 -0800

Can having protected sex change your menstrual cycle? (Possible TMI) I'm 30 years old. My period has been regular since I first got it at 11 years old. The only time it changed was two years ago when I had sex with a guy (I usually sleep with women). That time it was about 5 days late, and since the sex happened on vacation, I assumed it was a travel thing, and all ended fine.

On Nov. 21st I had sex -- with a condom. I was due for my period Decemer 11-13th. I have not gotten it yet. I have taken 3 different pregnancy tests, all negative.

I'm getting slight cramps, similar to what I feel when I'm ovulating, but still I'm almost 10 days late. This is only the 2nd guy I've slept with, and the third person. Is it possible that even protected sex can change a cycle like this?

My main concern is not whether I'm pregnant or not, really, it's just that it's the holiday season and drinks are happening. Like I said, I've taken 3 pregnancy tests, all negative, on the day before I knew I might be drinking. Since they've all come back negative, and I've had no other symptoms, I've gone ahead and had drinks.

I guess my ultimate questions is -- is it possible for sex to have this effect, or even being 9-10 days late the drug store tests aren't detecting the "normal hormone levels"?

PS -- I know stress can do this too. I'm not particularly stressed one way or the other though. I'm old enough, make good money, etc. that if I were pregnant...well..okay.

I'm scared

Anonymous — Thu, 15 May 2008 16:30:54 -0800

what are the chances she's pregnant? i had relations with a girl yesterday. we were both bottomless and i rubbed my penis on her vagina. there was minimal insertion, and no pre-ejaculation. however at the end i masturbated onto her leg, and a little bit touched her vagina... right in the opening. I immediately got a dry paper towel and wiped it off until she was dry. on a scale of 1-10, what are the chances she could get pregnant, with 10 being almost certain?

We don't want a flipper baby

phearlez — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 09:30:49 -0800

My darling girlfriend and I have a birth control dilemma and need some input. The short of it is this: because of regular medications she has to take, we're encouraged to use two forms of birth control. Consequently she takes Seasonalle and we use condoms. The question is: would the current breed of hormone-releasing IUD products suffice as two forms of birth control? In case someone's inclined to snark, yes, it actually is both of us who'd like to ditch the condoms - she might dislike them more than me, in fact.

And yes, she is making an appointment to see a gyn to talk about it. However we'd like a little more input - as it is, one (junior) doctor stated at one point "I wouldn't worry about it" when we asked him about birth control and the possibility of the medication interfering with the effectiveness of the seasonale.

While his boss rolled her eyes at this and agreed that he was too blasé about it, it underscores that it's not always easy to be on the same page with people about risk trade-offs. Plus, we're the ones who'd be living with the specter of a thalidomide flipper baby, not anyone else. So of course it's eventually on us.

That said, would it be reasonable for us to think of the Mirena IUD as two forms of birth control, accepting that nothing in life is a certainty?

Get out the shotgun, paw.

jammer — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 07:29:29 -0800

Here's something that Mrs. Jammer and I were wondering about this morning; it's proven really hard to google any information, but I'm sure someone's studied this somewhere at some point. Can anyone help me find out what percentage of conceptions in the US (or elsewhere in the Western world) are "accidental" vs. intentional? Bonus points for stats on accidentals in actual relationships vs. party-babies.

Pain-free sex after giving birth?

Anonymous — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 21:11:35 -0800

How long after giving birth before sex becomes enjoyable again? I gave birth several months ago, delivering vaginally with minor tearing that required a few stitches. Since then, sex has been painful. At my 6-week check-up, my doc indicated that things had healed up nicely, so I don't think there's an anatomical problem (though I haven't ruled out going to see a different ob/gyn just to double-check). My husband and I have attempted penetrative sex several times since then, but it just plain hurts. We use plenty of lube, so that's not the problem. In fact, it feels more like my vaginal opening is smaller than it used to be and needs to be stretched out more, which makes NO SENSE given that I just got a baby out! So, I am wondering, is it common for sex to be painful well after giving birth? And how long after giving birth did it take for it to feel painless and enjoyable again?

Knocked Up?

Anonymous — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 05:51:00 -0800

ParanoidFilter: Is there *any* chance I could get pregnant? I unexpectedly ended up in bed with a friend last night. He did not ejaculate inside me (his penis didn't penetrate), but he did rub against me and I touched his penis (which was wet...pre-cum?) then myself. I know the odds must be low, but I'm very paranoid that I could somehow get pregnant. Plus, I'm probably ovulating. Really I'm just seeking clarification/reassurance and also wondering if it's worth it to get the MAP just in case.

Sorry for sounding stupid, but I'm pretty inexperienced and although I know logically the chances of me getting pregnant are slim to none, there's a tiny part of me thinking "oh shit, what if?"

Why doesn't my partner want me?

Anonymous — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 13:27:01 -0800

Please help my sex life... I have been with my partner for two years and I love him very much. Our sex life has never been as good as what I aspire to- but, I have hoped, until recently, that it had the potential- and I am more than willing to patiently work towards something more fulfilling- but I am at a loss here... Some background:

He has been through a grueling divorce- the relationship ended over 4 years ago, he dated casually for a while, we met, and settled into something more serious.

He is 38 and has type 1 diabetes. But he takes pretty good care of himself and is in decent shape. He manages his sugar very well.

He is not exactly the most communicative person, especially about emotions. He is not very sexually aggressive- I usually initiate.

He has been under a lot of work stress for the past 6 months.

I am 7 months pregnant with our child.

Okay- anyway- I just can't seem to get a feel for his patterns and drive- I can't even tell if/ when he desires me. I did ask him recently if my pregnant figure was impeding his arousal (I am naturally slender, but not so while pregnant) and he said this was not the case. I'm not sure how/ if someone could say, "well, actually... you are turning me off..." but I have to believe him.

I am a giving, enthusiastic lover- into trying/ exploring pretty much anything and I can't seem to unlock this man... I wonder if he has a low libido? I have tried surfing porn with him to see if we stumble upon something that really grabs him- but it's always pretty run of the mill stuff. I know he likes hair removal-which I have done down to brazilian bareness and have discovered that I like it as well..- but even with this, things are slow and infrequent.

I am so frustrated. I have tried to gently discuss this with him without displaying my anxiety- but it seems as though he gets defensive and feels pressured/ uncomfortable. It has come to the point where I have found myself asking him more often than is healthy for reassurance that he does indeed find me basically attractive. He always answers positively.

I don't understand it and I feel stymied by how difficult it is to communicate.

I don't want to be the one to always initiate.

Help help help- I am not even sure if I've given enough info....

I am definitely open to couples therapy- but I am hoping that someone out there has insights that I can put into use now....

How dumb am I, ya know, sexually?

Ignatius J. Reilly — Wed, 13 Dec 2006 16:27:01 -0800

Stranger, please pass judgment on our most intimate moments! So, my fiancee and I have been in a monogamous relationship for 8+ years, and the only method of birth control we use is condoms. Are we stupid? We've never had a break or a pregnancy scare, and only a couple of near slip-offs. She had negative effects from hormonal birth control early in our relationship, and I don't really mind condoms (not nearly as much as I mind the idea of her suffering for the sake of the raw-dog).

We don't cheat on each other, and we have enough self control to just hang it up for the night if we find ourselves without condoms. Are we still taking a huge risk of an unwanted pregnancy? Us getting a baby right now makes as much sense as us getting a walrus.

Natural male birth control ideas as backup to pill?

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Nov 2006 20:55:01 -0800

How can I make myself temporarily impotent or at least lessen the odds of getting my wife pregnant? My wife and I recently stopped using condoms, while she is on birth control I know too many people who have gotten pregnant while on the pill to feel comfortable. However we do not want to go back to condoms. It kills the moment for us. So what natural steps can I take to basically make myself less potent and thereby less likely to make her preggers? For example I know keeping a laptop on your lap can kill sperm...

Are there foods I should avoid that would make me more potent? Etc...

I think he thinks the baby will know.....

Anonymous — Mon, 03 Apr 2006 19:08:28 -0800

Frequency of sex as relates to men and women, with pregnancy added as a twist. There is, of course.... I'm female, in my mid-30's. My husband and I have been together for about 15 years. He has always had a low sex drive, which is something it took me a long time to get used to. At our "peak" we were having sex about once a week. Over time, that has dwindled to about once a month, and its not unusual for it to be more like once every six weeks.

However, when we do have sex, its almost always amazing. He's a talented and attentive lover, just (for whatever reason) his interest in sex is very low. I think its partly from growing up in a very conservative, Catholic household (he can't have a conversation about this "problem" - he gets way too embarassed), and partly its just physical. He can't, for example, ejaculate more than once in about a 72 hour period, no matter how much he may want to or what techniques we use to try and achieve this. It just seems to be the way he's put together. It took a long time for me to understand that his apparent "disinterest" in sex had nothing to do with me personally -- but I now believe that this is true. We are deeply in love, and our relationship is otherwise solid and stable.

However, I'm now about six months pregnant, and he hasn't touched me a shade over three months. Whenever I try to initiate sex, he has some reason why we can't. A month ago it was that he thought he was coming down with a cold and didn't want to get me sick. A couple weeks ago his excuse was that he had ejaculated during a dream the night before and he thought it would end up just being frustrating for me since he couldn't climax. Two nights ago it was a sudden headache. I'm starting to believe that he thinks its "weird" for us to have sex while I'm pregnant. But trying to talk with him about sex is almost impossible. He gets completely embarassed (blushing, sweating, etc.) and its clear that me trying to start this conversation with him is so uncomfortable for him that its almost physically painful. Its tough for me to put him through that, and always ends up frustrating to me if I do push through, since he won't say anything and we'll end up with me talking and talking and finally trying anything to get a response. Its an unhealthy dynamic.

And now that I write this, I'm not sure what my question is. What I think I'm asking is this:

Men: Do you think I'm right -- do you think he's kind of weirded out by having sexual contact with me while there is this baby inside me? Was it more difficult for you to have sex with your pregnant partner? Was there some mental barrier you needed to get over?

Women: Does anyone else out there on the internet have a partner with this problem? How do you cope - not physically (I'm all good with taking care of myself in that way), but in mssing the emotional closeness that lovemaking brings?

Preggers?

Anonymous — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 12:53:40 -0800

My girlfriend has been on birth control for a couple years. The day before her period we had sex without a condom. The next day she had her period but it was very short and lasted only that day. Could we be pregnant?

What percentage of unprotected intercourse results in pregnancy?

event — Wed, 09 Feb 2005 20:39:39 -0800

What percentage of unprotected intercourse results in pregnancy? More specifically: If a randomly chosen male from the set of all sexually active males and a randomly chosen female from the set of all sexually active females have unprotected vaginal sex exactly once, what is the likelyhood of a resulting pregnancy?