Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and orgasm

help me (female) ejaculate

Anonymous — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 09:28:01 -0800

female ejaculation filter: I'm so doing it wrong! So I've never actually done the ejaculation thing, despite often feeling like I was about to. This brings me here with two questions. Last night while masturbating I was very, very on the verge of gushing when at the last minute I just closed it off. This was mostly out of fear of ruining my down duvet, but also that knee-jerk OH NOES THIS FEELS LIKE PEEING reaction kicked in. However this particular time I definitely closed the floodgates after they'd already been flung open, and I think I hurt myself. I didn't actually gush any fluid, but immediately after I orgasmed I felt excruciating pain shoot up my vagina and just stay there for about 30 minutes. Sharp pain in my whole bladder/lower abdomen area that was so bad I thought I was going to throw up. I finally drank enough water to be able to pee, which operated as normal, and that made the sharp pain subside. I am still, 24 hours later, left with a dull pain in that area (more like in my back, I guess kidneys?) especially when I first sit down.

What the heck did I DO? I've been reading almost everything I can about squirting and the whole physiological shabang, but can't connect anything that pertains to my situation. I am sure I had an empty bladder before I started, so it probably wasn't actually urine. My best guess is that all the fluid backed up in my urethral tube and suckerpunched my bladder, hard. Has anyone had a similar experience, or just a better understanding of this whole business?

If I still have dull pain tomorrow, I'm thinking about going to the doctor -- is there anything they can do for me at the immediate care? To clarify, I'm sure I don't have a uti, am not pregnant, and have never had any other complications down there (and I know you're not my doc).

Aside from my immediate "wtf vagina pain?", I'm looking for tips on how to get past the physical inhibition I have about squirting and if in fact that's what my body is trying to do... See, I feel this unbearable pressure whenever I'm having a blended (vaginal + clitoral) orgasm that really feels like I have to urinate coupled with the usual oh-my-god-top-of-the-roller-coaster-weee feeling. I just don't know how to get over that last loop, so I just kind of float on that tingly feeling and think "wow that was a good orgasm" but sometimes with the lingering thought of "but could it have been BETTER??" I know, intellectually, that if I ejaculate it is NOT pee, but in the heat of the moment, it being that same exact sensation makes it hard to just let go! I WANT to experience this exquisite, mysterious reaction of the female body, so how can I just let myself? Tips for myself or boyfriend welcome!

How to help a long-term loner happy with a lady?

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:53:37 -0800

How can I make my new partner come?? NSFW details follow. Okay, I'm blushing but here it goes: He (male) and I (female) are late 20s / early 30s. We hooked up maybe a month ago -- hooray!! Neither of us have too much experience (2-3 past partners each). The sex is truly terrific. I do my thing once (or several) times; but he cannot orgasm except by masturbating. It's hard to say this is a "problem" for me, but I want to make him come!! Or at least help. I've tried lending a hand (ha) as well as oral, but I just can't do it myself.

I've read several previous posts on delayed or retarded ejaculation / orgasm for men, BUT they were posted by men. As the woman involved (who desperately wants to reciprocate the pleasure), what advice do you have for me? How can I make him more comfortable and secure with me (in case it's a mind thing) or how can I totally rock his world (in case it's a physical thing)?

If posting here makes you blush, too: anonsextips at gmail dot com.

Did I have an orgasm-induced stroke?!

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 14:00:18 -0800

Why did my face go temporarily numb after an orgasm? NSFW. Last weekend my boyfriend performed oral sex on me for somewhere between 10-20 minutes. Shortly after I orgasmed, my chin, lower lip and left cheek got tingly and went numb for a few minutes. I was trying to smile but couldn't. It was weird.

Some background: I'm a 25-year-old female and completely healthy. I take birth control pills and 20mg of Citalopram daily. My boyfriend and I have been dating long-distance for three months, and our twice-a-month visits are generally 3-times-a-day sex romps (this particular incident was Friday morning, so it was the second or third time we had gone at it). For me, orgasms from oral sex are always the most intense, but this has never happened to me after any kind of orgasm. Prior to this incident I hadn't orgasmed from oral sex in a couple of years, and throughout the rest of the weekend there was nothing was out of the ordinary, sexually or otherwise.

How to not be a 5 hump chump?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 11:22:57 -0800

Questions about male sexual stamina and use of viagra. NSFW more than likely. I am a mid 30s male who still lasts about as long as a teenager in bed. I'm really hoping to change this, but not sure how to go much longer.

I have had a friend recommend that I visit my doctor and look into getting Viagra, but I have no problems getting or maintaining an erection, just problems finishing too soon. Would viagra help this?

I know when I'm starting to get close but once I get close there seems like nothing I can do to back away from it...any suggestions would be appreciated.

"How to get an orgasm to work in my pants?"

Anonymous — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 07:56:28 -0800

I'm a mid-20s male, I'm having orgasm problems and I desperately need to do something about it. Any advice would be gratefully received! Thanks for clicking through!

I have a long-standing problem of finding it extremely difficult to orgasm during any sort of sexual play. I've recently (and improbably!) started dating The Most Beautiful Girl In The World, and I'm terrified that it'll ruin our relationship.

I'm a mid-20s male, very skinny but not unhealthily so, with plenty of energy, who eats well and takes absolutely no medication. I'm certainly sensitive down there. I have purposefully been avoiding masturbation for several weeks. At this point I'm confused, and think there might been some psychological issues, and would really appreciate some advice.

What's that? You want way too much background info? Sure thing!:
I was in a 6 year long relationship that was the first time for anything sexual for both my ex-girlfriend and me. We had both masturbated frequently and then found that it took an immense amount of effort for either of us to reach orgasm when together. It was, however, possible, especially if we involved sex toys for her and were willing to be very patient for me. Due to this, our sex life was infrequent, though we remained very comfortable with each other's bodies. She then went through a period of change in her personal life and became unwilling to have sex for a period of about 2 years. During this I waited patiently, fulfilling myself through masturbation. Even past this point, sex was incredibly infrequent and often unsatisfying. I found myself finding her unattractive and considering ending the relationship. I still tried to initiate sex, but was usually rebuffed, though she usually showered me with apologies and confusion at lack of libido. During the last three years of the relationship, I frequently tried to seek couples therapy, but she wouldn't acquiesce. Finally, she ended up cheating on me with a random stranger that she met at a bar, citing that "she was frustrated at our lack of a sex life." The mind boggles. That was the end of our relationship.

Several months later, I have started dating the aforementioned Most Beautiful Girl In The World (seriously, she's loveliness personified, in every aspect) and am overcome with glee. I anticipated that I might have orgasm problems, and intentionally have gone completely cold turkey on masturbation for several weeks. Our sex life is, so far, fantastic. She's (bizarrely) very attracted to me, I'm obviously attracted to her, we both have well-matched libidos, I push her buttons with joyful, joyful ease and... I still can't reach an orgasm.

We've tried penetrative sex in a variety of positions, she has given me some absolutely mind-blowing oral sex, and there's still nothing. I remain hard, and even feel like I'm approaching orgasm. When I'm on the cusp (which takes a while itself), instead of going over the edge and ejaculating, I find myself almost pushing through it, after which the feeling dies down somewhat. There's no loss of erection, and I'm able to comfortably continue having sex.

It's obviously extremely beneficial to her, but she has expressed anxiety at not being able to please me. That's not true, as it's been feeling amazing, and I have told her the above, though not the gory details of my previous relationship. She's been very supportive and loving, but I fear that at this early stage in our relationship, it could ruin our chances of staying together.

I did once have trouble achieve an erection, but I was rather drunk, and it did come, though slowly. I presume I'm still able to achieve orgasm through masturbation, though I'm unwilling to try for fear of numbing myself in any way.

Unfortunately, I'm living hand-to-mouth at the moment, so I have no possibility of seeing a therapist. I do, however, wonder if the problem is psychological in nature, or if there are lesser known physical roots. I should note that I'm in London, in the UK, just in case that's of any help.

I set up a throwaway email account: athrowawayaccountformefi@gmail.com

Thank you for reading this!

Boyfriend cannot orgasm during sex.

lwclec072 — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 12:16:41 -0800

After 3 years boyfriend tells me he thinks he may have a sexual dysfunction. My boyfriend cannot orgasm during sex. I orgasm perfectly fine, I finally learned to have a gspot orgasm after 2 years and I can have a clit orgasm, though only through foreplay. He recently told me he doesn't get off during sex after I have found out he was hiding a porn dvd from me and I caught him masturbating a couple times. He blames it on a sexual dysfunction but I seriously doubt that only because I feel if he cannot orgasm during sex, how can he masturbate in under 10 minutes. When I question him about it it only starts a fight between us and he says I'm being selfish for wanting to be able to please him, because I do try. It just hurts me, that all this time he says he enjoys me and that he orgasms, then he breaks down and tells me differently 3 yrs later. It honestly makes me lose trust for him, I feel if he knew he had a sexual dysfunction he would have told me from the start. I really do not know how to deal with this. I know he loves me deeply which is probably why he has hidden it from me to keep from hurting me. He also said he can orgasm with me but he cannot cum when I told him it was practically the same thing he just tells me that I do not understand. I assure him I really do understand and I know that sex should not be all about achieving an orgasm, it's more so about the closeness and intimacy, but still it bothers me knowing I cannot please him. Also any time I have ever talked about bringing toys into the relationship he blows it off like he's not interested. Can anyone help me to understand or possibly offer some helpful tips if youve had similar problems.

A couple side notes, he suggested trying lubes but I always thought lubes were more for women than men. Also we do not use protection so that's not an issue.

Am I having an orgasm?

Anonymous — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 09:08:35 -0800

Two questions about sex. I am a mid-twenties heterosexual woman and have been with my partner for about a year. We have a lot of fun, both in bed and generally. My partner really cares about my pleasure, and he has been nothing but the embodiment of GGG.

However, some possibly stupid questions:

1. When I masturbate by myself, it gets to a point where my vagina tightens up and feels pretty good, and then starts contracting. I'm pretty sure that's an orgasm. When I'm having sex with him or when he is going down on me, my vagina tightens up and feels very, very, very good, far better than when I'm masturbating, but I never get the contractions. The pleasure gets more and more intense, until a point, where further stimulation doesn't add to the pleasure, and I tell him to stop (and he does). Is that also an orgasm? Googling seems to indicate that all orgasms should involve involuntary contractions, plural, but I also know that sexual response varies pretty widely.

2. If I'm not having an orgasm because there aren't physical contractions, what can I do to get them? Kegel exercises? I don't think it's an issue of pleasure, because sex with him feels so much better than masturbation. We've tried the Rabbit and the Bullet, but they both end without contractions even though, again, they feel fantastic.

Frequency of masturbation isn't an issue. I only masturbate a couple times a month, and not having either sex or masturbation, even for weeks at a time because we're separated due to work, doesn't change anything.

Help me make my girlfriend climax.

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 19:45:13 -0800

I'm a 30 year old male who is recently divorced (after a 12 year relationship). I had a few brief sexual encounters in high school (5 partners), but most of my adult sex was spent with my ex-wife. As I begin dating and exploring new sexual relationships, I've realized that my sexual dexterity needs some improvement. My problem is that I had sex with my ex-wife for so long, and learned what she liked so well, that I've forgotten how to have sex with other people. My current girlfriend is an enigma. She's 29 years old and has never had an orgasm (not even via masturbation). She also likes rough play; something that is completely foreign to my gentle nature. I was wondering if anybody could recommend some books on sexual techniques designed to guide men to make a woman climax - especially for those who have difficulty doing so.

Girlfriend emotionally damaged by previous relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 10:16:37 -0800

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for a couple of years now. We love each other, and have a lot of fun doing things (even hard work) together. When it comes to sex, though, she seems to have inherited a lot of hangups from a previous, long-term relationship. Her previous mate was apparently obsessed with getting her off, and would insist on performing oral sex on her for ridiculous lengths of time rather than admit defeat. She can make herself cum pretty readily using her fingers, and I've been able to do it the same way once or twice, but she always seems to get upset when I do. She always thanks me fairly formally for getting her off, and often has tears in her eyes. I love going down on her, but it seems to do nothing much for her; in fact, sometimes I look up and find that she's been crying quietly while I was doing it.

I've read books devoted to the subject and tried a lot of things, so I don't think it's my technique. I love looking at/stroking/licking her body (especially her pussy) but it just seems to embarrass her. She seems to think her pussy is "dirty" (it's not - it's always just tasted/smelled/looked like clean skin) or that it's demeaning for me to do it (because she pees through there? She won't say.) She gets teary-eyed whenever I try to talk to her about it, too. Even when she makes herself cum, she doesn't make any sound, and she has to be lying on her back with her legs together. I suspect that she used to have to pleasure herself secretly in her old relationship, since her partner didn't approve of her masturbating if he couldn't get her off, and that's why she has taught herself not to move or make a sound when she gets off. She seems to enjoy being penetrated, but can't get off that way either, and rarely makes any sounds or moves during the process. I care very much for her, and I want her to be happy. I'd like to beat the person who taught her to be ashamed of her body and of enjoying sex. She probably should see a therapist, but every time I bring it up, I get more tears and denials that there's any problem. I understand that you can't "make" someone happy, but I love her dearly and I'd appreciate any suggestions anyone can offer who has had experience in this area. Thanks.

Death grip has me in a tight spot.

Anonymous — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 17:49:06 -0800

How can I resensitize my penis after excessive masturbating? (NSFW) Over the past year and a half, I've been masturbating daily to porn. Unfortunately for me, I use a death grip. I also don't use lotion or lube when jacking.

I also started taking SSRI's, which made it harder for me to cum. Thus, my death grip got even tighter.

I've now met a lady, and she wants to have sex. Unfortunately, at this point, I don't think I can orgasm without the death grip.

How can I resensitize myself so I can have sex with my new lady?

For followups, please contact me at chronicmast at gmail.com

Girl who can't come with partners. If sleeping together only winds up making everyone unhappy, why do it?

Anonymous — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 19:01:47 -0800

I'm a girl who hasn't been able to orgasm with a partner. It's been a major issue in my relationships. Is there really any point to having sexual relationships? (explicit but unsexy text) I started to get myself off when I was about 12, courtesy of the showerhead. I didn't learn how to masturbate manually until around 17. I've always had a high sex drive, and once I learned how to get myself off, I never had any trouble with it. It was so reliable that it never crossed my mind I'd have any difficulty orgasming with a partner. When I started sleeping with someone at 19, and it didn't make me come at first, I was completely sure we just needed a little time to readjust, and then everything would be awesome and simple. Years later, I still haven't adapted, and nothing is awesome or easy.

For me to come, it takes 10-20 minutes of me rubbing my clit. Position, comfort level, and trust all play big roles in timing, while arousal/foreplay has a relatively small effect. Basically the minimum has been 7-10 minutes of me just rubbing my clit, ideally while lying on my back with my legs tensed. Most vibrators feel nice but don't get me anywhere, but the Hitachi Magic Wand does work.

I've tried everything I can think of to break this pattern. I'm not on any antidepressants or other meds that can cause issues. I almost never use my Magic Wand; I haven't used a showerhead in years. I've spent hundreds of dollars on all kinds of other toys for partners to use on me. I've had long-term partners, both serious relationships and trusted FWBs, work on it over the course of months. I've had the occasional one-time thing seeing if they might introduce something new that might do the trick. I've questioned the assumptions I made about who I'm attracted to. With open-minded partners, I've tried plenty of various levels of kinky shit, and wound up liking some of it (light BDSM). I've discovered my G-spot and my deep spot and the joys of anal (all very nice, but not enough). My relationships definitely aren't PIV-centric. And yes, I've abstained from masturbation for months, hoping eventually my body would get frustrated enough for a partner (hell, even my left hand) to trigger an orgasm.

And I still cannot come with a partner without 10-20 minutes of right-hand quality time. So my question is less about "what else can I try?" -- I think I've tried everything -- and more about whether it's fair to a partner to try to have a sexual relationship, or whether it just sets us both up for disappointment and misery.

Of course there are aspects of sex I like other than just the orgasm -- I love pleasing my partner. But that makes me understand how much a partner wants to please me, and how awful you feel when you can't. Also, almost everything feels really good, even if it doesn't make me come . . . but to me a session isn't good if I don't wind up coming eventually. I feel dull and achy and kind of clogged, and can't sleep for hours -- in short, I get blue balls (ovaries?). For me, sex without any hope of orgasm is eventually not worth it. I'm not at all strictly quid pro quo -- for example, I'm happy to give a blowjob without thinking about reciprocation. I just want something, sometimes, that's not totally one-sided.

I love it when a partner helps me come -- by fingering me or fucking me or using a toy or doing anything else that doesn't interfere with me rubbing my clit. At first, everyone is all GGG and great about saying the right things -- "don't stress, don't apologize, I'm fine doing this." But after awhile (whether it's weeks or months) the tune changes. It does get boring for him. He feels like he's not contributing, he can't please me the same way, I could be doing exactly the same thing solo (no matter how much I try to persuade otherwise). He avoids pleasing me, or cheats on me, or dumps me. And -- because I do really love pleasing my partner -- I understand why.

I feel like it's my fault, obviously, for not being up to par. But I also feel like I'm misrepresenting myself or deceiving him. I have a high sex drive, and I'm warm and responsive. If you're making out with me, you would never guess you couldn't make me come. Even when we do get in bed, I'm enthusiastic and not dead-fishing it . . . but it's just. not. enough.

My guy friends tell me how thrilled they are when they find a partner who comes at the drop of a hat. I feel like a gorgeously wrapped, highly anticipated Christmas present -- that winds up containing dirty, mismatched socks. I almost wish I were simply anorgasmic.

#1: I feel like I can never have a sexual relationship that's fulfilling for myself and for my partner. So why do I keep trying to date when it only makes everyone involved unhappy? Shouldn't I just be friends with these guys and save everyone the hassle and upset? This is a serious question. I might be missing out, but it would make life so much simpler, and everyone involved -- not just me, but hypothetical partners -- would be spared a lot of pain when it turns out we're mismatches.

#2: Have you ever been in a long-term relationship with someone like this, and honestly, how much did it hurt the relationship over time? Everyone* says "oh, it doesn't matter, sex isn't the most important thing, I'm happy to be with her blah blah blah" -- and then it winds up mattering. A lot. So are there people who would honestly be able to handle it long-term? If so, how do I select for them? (I'm also concerned that if a guy legitimately didn't care about my issues getting off, his only goal for sleeping with me would be pleasing himself, which is obviously not the kind of mindset a generally awesome/unselfish/sexy person has.)

*Sample size: 11 people I've been naked with, 6 I've received oral from, 2 I've had vaginal sex with, 1 I've had anal sex with. Most but not all were guys.

I know this is a private thing -- I'm guessing there aren't a lot of people who will openly say "yeah, I really liked this girl but she couldn't come with me, and it was such a source of conflict I ended things." So please feel free to e-mail me at convergeretc AT gmail. Thanks so much for whatever advice or experience you can share.

what do you think about while masturbating?

krautland — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 07:46:34 -0800

I'd like to know what other people think about while masturbating and how that differs from what they think about while having sexual intercourse. I'm currently seeing a person I have been excited about for some time. that's a PG way of saying I thought about her while touching myself. I thought about what it would be like with her. I'm fortunate in that she was every bit as stunning and enjoyable in reality as imagined. yet the experience left me momentarily confused: I couldn't get my mind to race in the way I liked to get where I wanted. fantasizing about someone while they are actually there struck me as rather futile since reality is being checked against any imagined fantasy the very moment that fantasy comes up. so while I had no problems finding things to do with her I did find it tough to find something arousing to think about. I had to find a different thought pattern that might do the trick for me while being intimate with her.

so that's how this question got started. I wondered what other people think about and how that changes when they are with someone else vs. when they are alone. I realize there are a good chunk of people who enjoy sex the most when it clears their heads and they aren't thinking anything in particular but I am different and I'm curious about others that are.

Red Bull gives you more than wings, apparently.

WolfDaddy — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 10:55:03 -0800

Why do B-complex vitamins and zinc enhance orgasm? I've noticed this in myself as a chronic Red Bull drinker which is chock-full of niacin, B6 and B12. However, my Google-fu fails me as when I try to find information out this phenomenon, all I get is page after page of sites offering to sell me Orgasm Enhancement Products!!!!one1buyNAO. Most of these products also seem to include zinc.

So what's the physiological process here? Why do these vitamins (and possibly a mineral) have this effect on many people?

Heterosexual female cannot orgasm without vibrator. (NSFW. Duh.)

Anonymous — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 11:35:43 -0800

Is there anything I can do to be able to orgasm without a vibrator? I don't think it's a mental thing because I orgasm just fine whether I'm using it on myself or my boyfriend is using it on me, but nothing besides a vibrator will get me there.

Intercourse doesn't stimulate the clitoris, and the positions that are supposed to stimulate the clitoris are painful and uncomfortable. Besides, intercourse is way too short, so I wouldn't have time to orgasm.

I don't like receiving oral sex. The tongue is too wet and too smooth, so there is none of the friction necessary to feel good. For the same reason, I use the vibrator over my undies so I can get that friction. I actually think the slimy feel of the tongue is unpleasant.

I really wish I could orgasm when my boyfriend fingers me, but for some reason I can't. It turns me on soooo much, but doesn't get me there. It's crazy, because whenever I use the vibrator by myself, I only think about the last time my boyfriend was fingering me and that always does it for me and makes me orgasm. But when he actually does it, it doesn't work!

Am I doomed to only orgasm from an electronic object? I want to orgasm from my boyfriend touching me!

Mid 30's, sexually active for approximately 15 years (though with a few long gaps), in case that information is relevant.

How can I replicate the post-coital state without coitus?

zachawry — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 20:43:39 -0800

When I practice my shakuhachi (bamboo flute) I'm usually easily distracted, unfocussed, and lacking energy. However, I have excellent practice after orgasm. How can I replicate this without having sex with my wife before each practice/performance? I am notoriously easily distracted. Lack of focus and energy are also big themes of my life, but the only time it really gets to me is when I practice shakuhachi. I really wish I could have better, more fun, more productive practices more often. This DOES happen when I practice after having an orgasm. However, I can't have sex with my wife whenever I need to practice, and anyway "Thanks honey, that was great. Gotta go practice now!" is not exactly a recipe for marital harmony. And, I'd prefer not to have to masturbate any time I want a good practice, either.

So how can I replicate what happens when I orgasm without actually orgasming? I think it's a physiological phenomenon, so there must be another way to get the same mental state.

Stop the waterworks!

Anonymous — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 22:06:51 -0800

Over the last year, I've started to cry when I orgasm. While it was an occasional thing at first, it's turned into something that happens every time I come. I really, really hate crying, and feel sick and miserable when I have. It's killing my sex drive--I no longer want to have sex, because I know that it's going to make me cry. How can I stop? I've seen this question, which confirms that this is normal, but I'm not worried about the normalcy of it--I'm interested in stopping.

I'm not much of a crier. When I do, it leaves me with a stuffy nose, a headache, and often an upset stomach. This is true even when the crying is happy, or pain-induced and thus not emotive. I absolutely hate this feeling, and will do damn near anything to avoid it.

Unfortunately, lately, "avoiding it" has translated to "not having sex". It wasn't intentional, and it didn't occur to me until today, but over the last six months, I've become less and less interested in sex. I think that I started avoiding it because of the inevitable waterworks, and because every time I've had sex lately, it's been negatively reinforced with more tears.

This isn't tied into our relationship at all--I still find my partner attractive, and am more than happy to give handjobs/blowjobs/other things that don't result in orgasm for me. For obvious reasons, though, this isn't a very satisfactory solution for either of us--I miss the great, fun sex that we used to have, and he misses the sexy, engaged, happy sexual partner that he used to have. (Worth mentioning is that when we *do* have sex, it's still great and fun and awesome, but it ends in badness for me, which sort of...kills the fun.)

The crying, at this point, seems to happen regardless of if my orgasm is with him or solo. I come, and about a minute later, I start to cry.

I don't think that I have any great psychological hangups about orgasms or sex--I've always had a fairly healthy and happy sex life, and this has never been an issue for me before. I've been with my partner for about two years, and this has only become a problem in the last year, apparently triggered by nothing.

I realize that this isn't an uncommon reaction to sex, but does anyone have any tips on how to better control myself? Again, I'm primarily interested in figuring out how to stop crying.

sexual healing

Anonymous — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 10:52:04 -0800

I'm male and have a touch of anorgasmia (the inability to have an orgasm during sex) I'm in my mid 30's and during sex, I can't have an orgasm at times. While this is a dream come true for my girlfriend, it's frustrating on my part as I can never get there. I mean sometimes it finally happens (and it's wonderful) but most of the time it doesn't. This even happens during masterbation (not all the time, but some of the times)

This is not a total bad thing, of course. She totally loves that I can go forever, but even she's sad that I can't get to that point.

So my question is, what can I do naturally to get to that point? I'm up for eating certain foods, trying certain things and if needed, I'll go see a urologist but I'd like for that to be the last resort (as my insurance sucks).

I already know that some of this might be mental but I'm up for trying anything to make things work for me.

Also, since I can't respond to this anonymously. I should state that I'm at a healthy weight, I mainly eat leafy greens, I don't exercise that much and I'm managing one or two stressful situations (but it's nothing I can't handle). I'm generally a happy guy, my girlfriend and I get along very well and we're very exploratory.

Ever since I was raped, I can only get off to violent rape fantasies

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 12:48:51 -0800

How can I come during sex with my boyfriend? I find it impossible to reach orgasm unless I'm doing it myself, with extreme, violent fantasies. I've tried fantasizing about the same stuff during sex, but it's hard to reconcile with the reality of my gentle, loving boyfriend, even if we have rough sex or (to a degree) act out the fantasy. When I was 17, I was raped by two men. One of them had a knife, with which he made shallow cuts on my breasts, arms, and neck. During the assault, I didn't know they were shallow and I was afraid he was going to kill me. FWIW, one of the men was an acquaintance and his friend was a stranger.

For about three years afterward, I did not date or have sex, and rarely masturbated. I started dating again when I was 20, and I'm 25 now. I've been with my current, amazing boyfriend for two years, and he's the first man with whom I've been able to actually enjoy sex. Since the assault, I haven't been able to come during oral sex or intercourse, and the only way I can climax is through masturbation while thinking about violent rape and/or breast mutilation. I've tried reverting to the type of fantasies I used to have (oral sex, romantic love, sensual massage), but it doesn't do anything for me anymore. Two of my high school boyfriends were able to get me off via fairly clumsy oral sex. Now, I'm so accustomed to only coming while thinking about slight variations on the violent rape theme. Though I know rape fantasies are common among rape victims and women in general, I do feel some guilt. Also, if might be relevant that I don't think about myself being raped; I think about a make-believe, doesn't-exist-IRL woman being raped. Another factor is that even though my boyfriend is wonderful and we are in love, I sometimes have this irrational feeling that no man truly cares about a woman, and that the secret truth is that women are nothing but fuckholes that are fun to hurt.

The following techniques, during oral sex or intercourse (usually while he or I touch my clit), have not worked for me:
- rape fantasies
- lots of other fantasies (which don't get me off during masturbation, either)
- not thinking about anything and just focusing on the sensations
- roleplaying rape (a friend suggested this, and we've tried it a few times, but it usually results in one or both of us getting really upset)
- using a vibrator during sex (even the Hitachi Magic Wand doesn't do it, during sex)
- soft/romantic sex
- rough sex

I am in therapy, but I'm thinking of switching therapists. Also, my brother went to a hypnotherapist who helped him quit smoking and overcome a phobia, and he raves about her. She does hypnosis and "rapid eye movement therapy" (??) that she says have had success with victims of abuse and sexual assault, but it's expensive and I'm skeptical. I am in New York City. I would consider traveling up to an hour outside the city for an amazing therapist, especially if s/he takes Oxford insurance.

If you have any suggestions, I'll greatly appreciate them! Thanks!!

Throwaway e-mail at mefi.anon.mouse@gmail

Momentary tunnel vision caused by orgasm: wtf?

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 11:22:19 -0800

What would cause me to experience a flash of light in my peripheral visual field during orgasm, and should I be concerned about it? 28, female, in good health as far as I know. I've been trying to Google for more information on this phenomenon, but clearly haven't been able to come up with the right search phrases.

An extended description of the experience: sometimes when I orgasm, I experience a flash of light just before or during the event. This just started happening a few months ago. Usually it happens in my dominant eye (left), but if I concentrate hard enough, I can get the same thing to happen in my right field of vision.

This is not like the "seeing stars" that you might get from a blow to the head, as far as I can tell. In fact, it reminds me a lot of the tunnel vision experience, except that it only lasts a second or so, and instead of of darkness/grey-out, the ring around my field of vision is bright. Sometimes it's just a small ring of light blocking out my peripheral vision - sometimes if I concentrate, I can get it to block most of my visual field. It doesn't happen all the time, but it also doesn't seem to have anything to do with holding my breath or tensing my muscles in any specific way (although to be fair, I'm probably not a very good objective observer).

It's been a fun game learning how to make it happen whenever I want, but some small part of me is concerned that it's happening at all. I'm severely nearsighted, but get my vision checked regularly - a younger sibling was diagnosed with a freak case of wet-form macular degeneration a few years ago (everything is fine with them for now), and so I'm kind of paranoid about eye problems. At my check-up six months ago: nothing unusual. This doesn't seem to happen at any other time except during orgasm, and I've noticed no other vision or neurological symptoms.

Is this something to worry about or just a fun little bedroom bonus?

More interesting ways to get her off? (NSFW)

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 19:03:01 -0800

More interesting ways to get her off? (NSFW) I've just started in a relationship with someone who requires very direct and high-pressure stimulation of her clitoris to get off. This is so much the case that even cunnilingus doesn't really get her all the way there, and so I usually use my fingers to get her to come. This usually works out such that both of us are lying relatively still for around five to ten minutes, and during that time I use my free hand and mouth to stimulate her elsewhere.

I feel like repeating this scenario every time I bring her to orgasm will get boring for her, so I guess my question boils down to: how can I do this, and maintain the constant pressure and rhythm that are necessary, while making it a little more interesting and active for her? Alternately, does the fact that she orgasms quite spectacularly afterward make that unlikely?

Thanks in advance, mefites.

The Conquering Hero "Comes"

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 22:19:41 -0800

My girlfriend can't get me to orgasm. Plenty of NSFWness inside. My girlfriend and I have, in short, reached third base in our relationship: fingers, hands and tongues everywhere. No sex (yet). She's the female equivalent of Jizz In My Pants: she can get off from a gust of wind. OK, not really. But with minimal massaging I can get her to come in under a minute.

I'm not so easy. Before meeting this great girl, I had never been touched below the belt. So when my girlfriend's hands slowly went towards the groin...I felt ticklish and cracked up loudly...real smooth. Every time she tries again, I manage to smother my laughter, but I just don't get the thrill I expected. Dry hands hurt more than help, and saliva or blowjobbing makes it only slightly better. After a few minutes I get close, but I plateau there. Five minutes, she's ready to give up and I'm lying there apathetically.

Having satisfied myself with my hand for way too long, I'm worried I've desensitized myself to anything that's not me.

What's wrong? Is failure to orgasm normal for those who haven't experienced this stuff before? Is it fear? Excessive masturbation? What can I do?

Relevant side note: Peeing is laborious too. Even in an empty bathroom it takes me several minutes for me to start urinating.

Here there be orgasms. (NSFW, clearly.)

Anonymous — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 19:22:33 -0800

NSFW Sex Question Inside: I can't orgasm without holding my breath. I'm a low-20s male who masturbates frequently, has had sex often enough with a decent enough number of ladies, and I'm finding myself having a lot of trouble plowing through and getting to orgasm quickly.

I think I put a lot of emphasis on "holding out" and "lasting longer" which is fantastic until doing so causes you to wear out (I'm not in great shape, but I'm not ridiculously overweight or anything) and lose your erection for a couple of minutes.

Even while masturbating, even, say, to porn (which is frequent enough, and has been for some time), if I'm not holding my breath, I can lose my erection. If I am holding my breath, I run out of that ability at some point and get VERY CLOSE and then have to take a breather (literally) and, well, lose it. It's wildly frustrating to not be able to just push myself over the edge until the third or fourth or fifth run through of this.

This is an issue in any position, with incredibly attractive ladies or alone with porn or alone with imagination. It's absolutely annoying because I'm young and healthy (though a bit out of shape) and feel like I should be able to get an erection, maintain it the entire course of whatever I'm doing, and orgasm.

Instead, I get an erection, maintain it for the first 5-10 minutes of sex, sometimes more, sometimes a bit less, and then need to take a break, mostly because I hold my breath to build up the sensation. If I force myself to breathe normal, I can go a bit longer, but if I don't hold my breath at some point, I don't build up to the fever pitch I need to and I lose it.

So what the fuck have I done to myself? I don't have "performance anxiety" in any traditional sense. I'm confident and I've been complimented plenty and I make sure the lady gets hers one way or another, but I'm getting tired of losing an erection *during* sex because I'm fucking up at managing my breathing. That might be a red herring, but it's certainly what appears to be the case.

Please help here. I don't feel like I should need to be on the blue pill. I get very hard, large erections, wake up with them, have them easily through regular exciting foreplay stuff... but I definitely can lose them during sex after just a few minutes, and I'm not sure what to do.

I've definitely had sex the gain-erection-keep-it-orgasm way a bunch of times, but it's felt like that's not been doable for the past year or two, with no major physiological differences in that time frame. I've done the holding my breath thing for about forever, but I need some insight on what I'm doing to myself.

I'm aware of the erotic asphyxiation kink, but I'm not hanging myself or looking to get into that—holding my breath is just something I did manually because it felt better to build up like that. But now, it feels as if it's the only want to maintain an erection and this is no good for me, since I can only hold my breath for so long. (The length of time dropping dramatically the more... active I am.)

Any insight? I'm trying to masturbate more in single sessions, instead of holding breath, backing off and restarting, which has been a bit of my MO lately. I'm also trying to stop with the holding breath thing in general... Anything else? (And yeah, I've had a few "whoops, that was too fast" moments. But damn, not in a long time. I get into the out of breath/take a break situation a LOT more, which isn't better by any means.)

Thanks!

Help me celebrate global orgasm day!

Anonymous — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 08:56:39 -0800

Happy global Orgasm day! There's your excuse, now - any advice? ;D I'd like advice on orgasming! Set, setting, & even product recommendations for sex toys.

I don't want to limit it to advice specifically for myself, because maybe I'll be able to adapt it, so I'm asking for
a) general advice &
b) Advice for me - I am a late-twenties female, who has never orgasmed. Not with partner, alone, or in my sleep.

Aka I'm one of the 10% of women who seem to suffer from Primary anorgasmia - It's been a while since since it's been covered.

(Re: never: *cough* I think? Popular opinion says I'd know... others disagree - lets just say there is wow, wow, and wowowowowowwww! but I've never noticed any particular 'peak' or 'release'?)

To dispel common 'causes': Physically, I seem to be pretty normal, according to Family Planning exams etc (& incidentally, normal thyroid, free testosterone levels etc, no medications). No horrible trauma that I know of. Healthy sexual attitude, towards sex and masturbating.
Many lovely partners over the years, some fantastic sex with skilled partners in & out of LTRelationships. No issues with masturbating, although a partner is much better, or at least a vibrator - otherwise it's a bit non-effective, kind of like trying to tickle myself.
Sex-drive - I think I have a fairly healthy sex drive, e.g. even after a year in a LTR, I probably prefer... well, a couple of times a night*, every other day, or at least 3-4 times a week.
(* I think because I don't have a 'release' reaction, after having sex initially and going 'flop' for a bit, if I don't go to sleep or my partner touches me I just want to go again! And again, and again, and again....). I've been ridiculously into literature erotica at various times, and comfortable fantasising etc. I've used at least a dozen different vibrators and toys, current favourites is using this as a set, especially the bullet, however I've never used a 'rabbit' style, or been able to get hold of a Hitachi magic wand for our type of power outlet. Worth it to try? Apparently I already have really good pelvic floor muscles.

One final note - I've managed to try pot, and wow! It does help. See my above note about masturbation not doing much for me? Change that to 'except when on cannabis'. For normal sex, makes it about twice as good (but most of my best sex has still been when NOT stoned!).

Sorry for the long list! Hope it doesn't quell responses. Anything that you've tried, or heard of that's been effective would be thoughtfully considered.

P.S. There'll be no disappointment if I don't get off on the 21st Dec, I have a lot of fun just trying. ;)
I'm just occasionally a little put out that I'm 'missing out' on something cool.

How to tell a boyfriend I've been faking it?

Heidelberg — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 10:58:06 -0800

NSFW: question about faking orgasms, relationships, and how to fix everything. Before we get started, I've already read this previous question on pretty much the same topic. But this gets a little more complicated.

The poster in that question was asking how to tell her boyfriend of three months that she's been faking orgasms her entire life and the general response was "you should be honest with him, and hey, at least you didn't wait for three YEARS into the relationship!" Well, what if, like me, you HAVE waited for three years?

My situation is similar to the first poster's: I've never orgasmed with a partner except once with the help of a vibrator. I can masturbate on my own (on my stomach, using pressure with my hands rather than any penetration). I'm in my late 20's. The current relationship started as a not-serious fling, so I faked along. Things got serious; I'm expecting a proposal within the next month or two. I want to tell him - I know I need to tell him. But how? After three years?

Second part: I want to fix this, and I think it's more a mental issue than anything. Do I start by telling my OB/GYN? What will she look for? If I need to go into therapy, do I go to a sex therapist or any therapist? How do I find a sex therapist? (This is in Chicago, if it matters).

Have batteries, need toys.

fracas — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 13:19:44 -0800

Tell me about electrical stimulation sex toys (NSFW, obviously). I'm curious about experimenting with electrical stimulation sex toys (like these, for instance) but don't really know where to start. If this were something simpler and less costly I'd just pick one up and see what I thought, but I don't want to risk a) danger, b) disappointment, or c) poverty, so here I am asking you fine MF folk for thoughtful feedback.

So, have you or your lover(s) used e-stim toys before? What were your experiences? Do they live up the hype (e.g. hands-free orgasms!), or are they just another "nice to have but not earth-shaking" addition to the bedroom? Any problems or issues? Can you recommend a good beginner unit, or a somewhat more advanced one that I can, um, grow with? Ladies and gentlemen are both encouraged to chime in!

For what it's worth, I'm a late-20s guy who, due to an unfortunate combination of medication and good old-fashioned "that's just how I operate," takes a fair amount of stimulation to climax; part of the reason for my interest is to circumnavigate that issue with a different sort of stimulation. Besides, it just seems hot. I'll be using this primarily for my own enjoyment, though if all goes well I'll likely share it with others, male and female. Recommendations for non-skeezy brick-and-mortar shops in Chicago where I can talk to experienced sales staff about this would be appreciated.

The Fine Print: No, I don't plan on hot-rodding household appliances or otherwise risking Very Real Danger to get off. I'm interested in commercially-manufactured devices made by people who know more about about resistors, diodes, Ohm's Law, and other electro-stuff than I ever will. And yes, I play safe with others.

(Oh, and I figure it's only fair that I post publicly since you have to respond that way. Hi mom!)