Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and masturbation

Is it wrong to masturbate to one's exes when in a relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 08:30:45 -0800

Autoeroticafilter: Are certain self-pleasuring activities not OK? I have pictures and video of a sexual nature of a couple of my exes. While I would never show them to anyone else and am careful to make sure they remain confidential, I don't plan on getting rid of them.

Since I still find my exes very physically attractive, and I'm not very turned on by most pornography I can find, I tend to make use of these materials for personal satisfaction. I don't think there's anything wrong with this.

What I am wondering about, is whether it is wrong to do this when I'm in a monogamous relationship. I've never had problems being faithful, and I would never date anyone who expected me not to masturbate, or who had a problem with me looking at pornography, but I'm not sure this is the same.

If it makes any difference, one of the exes I don't expect to ever be in contact with again and have no desire to reunite with. Another, I am good friends with and could imagine getting back together if the timing and geography were right, but we're currently platonic and respect those boundaries.

I don't feel that looking at this material changes my feelings towards these people; it just gets me off. But, I could see where if my SO knew, it might be upsetting. Since starting a committed relationship, I haven't been looking at these things because of my uncertainty. I have two basic questions:

Is using these materials for self satisfaction wrong when I'm in a relationship?

Should I talk to my SO about this? I'm not sure I really want to ask permission, since I don't think anyone has a right to tell you how to masturbate, but I really prefer to be open and honest about things. However, I wonder if this is one of those situations where it's better to just keep it to myself.

How to help a long-term loner happy with a lady?

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:53:37 -0800

How can I make my new partner come?? NSFW details follow. Okay, I'm blushing but here it goes: He (male) and I (female) are late 20s / early 30s. We hooked up maybe a month ago -- hooray!! Neither of us have too much experience (2-3 past partners each). The sex is truly terrific. I do my thing once (or several) times; but he cannot orgasm except by masturbating. It's hard to say this is a "problem" for me, but I want to make him come!! Or at least help. I've tried lending a hand (ha) as well as oral, but I just can't do it myself.

I've read several previous posts on delayed or retarded ejaculation / orgasm for men, BUT they were posted by men. As the woman involved (who desperately wants to reciprocate the pleasure), what advice do you have for me? How can I make him more comfortable and secure with me (in case it's a mind thing) or how can I totally rock his world (in case it's a physical thing)?

If posting here makes you blush, too: anonsextips at gmail dot com.

Why are my pants parts sending different messages to my sleep center?

grapefruitmoon — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 17:58:54 -0800

I Can't Believe I'm Going To Ask This Non-Anonymously Filter: Why do I fall asleep after a clitoral orgasm, but not after an orgasm of the vaginal variety? Yep. That's about the size of it. Vaginal orgasms leave me WIDE AWAKE for a good hour or two, but a clitoral orgasm will knock me right out.

Why the difference? What kind of biochemical distinction is going on there? Wouldn't it be the same process in terms of hormones and what not?

Correlations between masturbation and sex

ascetic — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 08:15:15 -0800

Is there a correlation between how long it takes me to achieve orgasm via masturbation and how long I can last in bed with a woman? For example, if I reach climax in 5 minutes with masturbation... Will I last 5 minutes in bed?

Micro-micro-micropenis?

Anonymous — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 15:17:07 -0800

So, I think I might have two clitorises. Is this even possible? You're not my doctor, of course. But I won't see her for months, so here I am.

I am fairly new to masturbation (and have not yet orgasmed.) Since beginning to pay more attention to the whole area, I have noticed something... weird.

To the right of my clitoris, right next to it and aligned with its base, is something that looks sort of like a skin tag. Just a tiny little protrusion, not one-twentieth the size of the clitoris. I never noticed it before I began masturbating regularly, because normally it's pretty much invisible... but when my clitoris gets hard, so does it! It becomes engorged and sticks right out, a few mm long and pretty skinny. And, through experimentation, I've found that if it starts losing hardness, gently flicking it will revive it.

It also hurts to rub it (as hard as I rub my clit, anyway) when it's engorged- sort of stings. I actually first noticed it because I was masturbating and started wondering what hurt. Felt like I had rubbed myself raw there, but when I checked it out... nope, tiny maybe-clit. My theory about the pain is that, whatever this little guy is, I am accidentally pulling on it when I try to rub my clit. It's right there, and it's so tiny that it just gets yanked around.

So, has anyone heard of something like this? Could I have two clits? Googling "two clitorises" mostly yields "no two clitorises are alike," plus some Yahoo answers nonsense. But I have heard of guys being born with two penises. Am I just making up nonsense here, or could there be something to this?

Death grip has me in a tight spot.

Anonymous — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 17:49:06 -0800

How can I resensitize my penis after excessive masturbating? (NSFW) Over the past year and a half, I've been masturbating daily to porn. Unfortunately for me, I use a death grip. I also don't use lotion or lube when jacking.

I also started taking SSRI's, which made it harder for me to cum. Thus, my death grip got even tighter.

I've now met a lady, and she wants to have sex. Unfortunately, at this point, I don't think I can orgasm without the death grip.

How can I resensitize myself so I can have sex with my new lady?

For followups, please contact me at chronicmast at gmail.com

Girl who can't come with partners. If sleeping together only winds up making everyone unhappy, why do it?

Anonymous — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 19:01:47 -0800

I'm a girl who hasn't been able to orgasm with a partner. It's been a major issue in my relationships. Is there really any point to having sexual relationships? (explicit but unsexy text) I started to get myself off when I was about 12, courtesy of the showerhead. I didn't learn how to masturbate manually until around 17. I've always had a high sex drive, and once I learned how to get myself off, I never had any trouble with it. It was so reliable that it never crossed my mind I'd have any difficulty orgasming with a partner. When I started sleeping with someone at 19, and it didn't make me come at first, I was completely sure we just needed a little time to readjust, and then everything would be awesome and simple. Years later, I still haven't adapted, and nothing is awesome or easy.

For me to come, it takes 10-20 minutes of me rubbing my clit. Position, comfort level, and trust all play big roles in timing, while arousal/foreplay has a relatively small effect. Basically the minimum has been 7-10 minutes of me just rubbing my clit, ideally while lying on my back with my legs tensed. Most vibrators feel nice but don't get me anywhere, but the Hitachi Magic Wand does work.

I've tried everything I can think of to break this pattern. I'm not on any antidepressants or other meds that can cause issues. I almost never use my Magic Wand; I haven't used a showerhead in years. I've spent hundreds of dollars on all kinds of other toys for partners to use on me. I've had long-term partners, both serious relationships and trusted FWBs, work on it over the course of months. I've had the occasional one-time thing seeing if they might introduce something new that might do the trick. I've questioned the assumptions I made about who I'm attracted to. With open-minded partners, I've tried plenty of various levels of kinky shit, and wound up liking some of it (light BDSM). I've discovered my G-spot and my deep spot and the joys of anal (all very nice, but not enough). My relationships definitely aren't PIV-centric. And yes, I've abstained from masturbation for months, hoping eventually my body would get frustrated enough for a partner (hell, even my left hand) to trigger an orgasm.

And I still cannot come with a partner without 10-20 minutes of right-hand quality time. So my question is less about "what else can I try?" -- I think I've tried everything -- and more about whether it's fair to a partner to try to have a sexual relationship, or whether it just sets us both up for disappointment and misery.

Of course there are aspects of sex I like other than just the orgasm -- I love pleasing my partner. But that makes me understand how much a partner wants to please me, and how awful you feel when you can't. Also, almost everything feels really good, even if it doesn't make me come . . . but to me a session isn't good if I don't wind up coming eventually. I feel dull and achy and kind of clogged, and can't sleep for hours -- in short, I get blue balls (ovaries?). For me, sex without any hope of orgasm is eventually not worth it. I'm not at all strictly quid pro quo -- for example, I'm happy to give a blowjob without thinking about reciprocation. I just want something, sometimes, that's not totally one-sided.

I love it when a partner helps me come -- by fingering me or fucking me or using a toy or doing anything else that doesn't interfere with me rubbing my clit. At first, everyone is all GGG and great about saying the right things -- "don't stress, don't apologize, I'm fine doing this." But after awhile (whether it's weeks or months) the tune changes. It does get boring for him. He feels like he's not contributing, he can't please me the same way, I could be doing exactly the same thing solo (no matter how much I try to persuade otherwise). He avoids pleasing me, or cheats on me, or dumps me. And -- because I do really love pleasing my partner -- I understand why.

I feel like it's my fault, obviously, for not being up to par. But I also feel like I'm misrepresenting myself or deceiving him. I have a high sex drive, and I'm warm and responsive. If you're making out with me, you would never guess you couldn't make me come. Even when we do get in bed, I'm enthusiastic and not dead-fishing it . . . but it's just. not. enough.

My guy friends tell me how thrilled they are when they find a partner who comes at the drop of a hat. I feel like a gorgeously wrapped, highly anticipated Christmas present -- that winds up containing dirty, mismatched socks. I almost wish I were simply anorgasmic.

#1: I feel like I can never have a sexual relationship that's fulfilling for myself and for my partner. So why do I keep trying to date when it only makes everyone involved unhappy? Shouldn't I just be friends with these guys and save everyone the hassle and upset? This is a serious question. I might be missing out, but it would make life so much simpler, and everyone involved -- not just me, but hypothetical partners -- would be spared a lot of pain when it turns out we're mismatches.

#2: Have you ever been in a long-term relationship with someone like this, and honestly, how much did it hurt the relationship over time? Everyone* says "oh, it doesn't matter, sex isn't the most important thing, I'm happy to be with her blah blah blah" -- and then it winds up mattering. A lot. So are there people who would honestly be able to handle it long-term? If so, how do I select for them? (I'm also concerned that if a guy legitimately didn't care about my issues getting off, his only goal for sleeping with me would be pleasing himself, which is obviously not the kind of mindset a generally awesome/unselfish/sexy person has.)

*Sample size: 11 people I've been naked with, 6 I've received oral from, 2 I've had vaginal sex with, 1 I've had anal sex with. Most but not all were guys.

I know this is a private thing -- I'm guessing there aren't a lot of people who will openly say "yeah, I really liked this girl but she couldn't come with me, and it was such a source of conflict I ended things." So please feel free to e-mail me at convergeretc AT gmail. Thanks so much for whatever advice or experience you can share.

what do you think about while masturbating?

krautland — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 07:46:34 -0800

I'd like to know what other people think about while masturbating and how that differs from what they think about while having sexual intercourse. I'm currently seeing a person I have been excited about for some time. that's a PG way of saying I thought about her while touching myself. I thought about what it would be like with her. I'm fortunate in that she was every bit as stunning and enjoyable in reality as imagined. yet the experience left me momentarily confused: I couldn't get my mind to race in the way I liked to get where I wanted. fantasizing about someone while they are actually there struck me as rather futile since reality is being checked against any imagined fantasy the very moment that fantasy comes up. so while I had no problems finding things to do with her I did find it tough to find something arousing to think about. I had to find a different thought pattern that might do the trick for me while being intimate with her.

so that's how this question got started. I wondered what other people think about and how that changes when they are with someone else vs. when they are alone. I realize there are a good chunk of people who enjoy sex the most when it clears their heads and they aren't thinking anything in particular but I am different and I'm curious about others that are.

Bedtime stories

Anonymous — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 08:13:01 -0800

Find me stories (books, movies, links, anecdotes) of how two ordinary, quiet, straight middle-aged people met, and learned to care for each other. I like to fantasise before I go to sleep. I build the fantasies gradually up into romantic/sexual masturbatorial aid. Romance novels are crap for this because they have gorgeous young heroines with an uncanny ability to flirt and young Fabios eager to engage in rigorous and prolonged intercourse with them. They are not helpful in with my fantasy construction - I have to be able to imagine me in the story, and I am not gorgeous nor young nor can I flirt. However, I’ve worn out old memories & scenarios and need new vanilla-ish ones.

Good examples are from the first kiss thread excepting of course, that I’m a couple of decades (or more) past first kiss, so those precise scenarios won’t ring true for me. The guy helping out with the car and the hot chocolate here sounds like an ideal candidate, but I’d like a bit more padding to the story, like when & how does he approach their first night together sort of thing.

I’m introverted, so plain old fashioned dating is not a tranquil fantasy setting for me. Instead, how about enforced togetherness (snowed into a cabin, hostage situation, I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking) where I can impress with trivia, and active listening, but not be on dating display and he can snuggle with impunity (must cuddle to stay warm, needs to support my impressive gunshot wound, that sort of thing). My hero needn’t be a rich man or particularly fit, he mostly needs intelligence and kindness, and that will make him hot to me, and of course, it helps if he finds geeky, creative women sexy, even if they are over 40 and not girly-girly.

So stories please of ordinary, quiet, straight middle-aged couples meeting and lusting. Throwaway email: fantasy.enhancement@gmail.com

Dreaming about public indecency

Anonymous — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 07:30:59 -0800

I'm constantly dreaming about masturbating in public. Is this normal? If not, how can I stop? Background: I'm a 25 year old gay male with a pleasantly active sex life. Recently, within the past six months or so I would say, I've suddenly started to dream about masturbating in public.

I have one of these dreams usually every other night, although sometimes several nights in a row. Nothing in particular seems to trigger them and I'm not aware of anything that might have started it six months ago.

The dreams all follow a standard formula: I'm hanging out in a public venue -- sometimes a parking lot, somtimes a neighbor's front lawn -- church, work, the grocery store, the side of the freeway during rush hour, in my car during rush hour, on the set of a TV show, etc. when suddenly I dream that I have the irresistible and overpowering urge to masturbate.

I start doing the deed and usually end up getting arrested or otherwise "exposed" by family or friends (who are usually laughing at me). I'm not sure if it makes any more sense, but these dreams are usually immediately followed by dreams of catastrophic disasters (tornadoes, hurricanes, volcanoes, etc.). They so often follow each other, actually, that sometimes I wonder if they are just two parts of the same dream.

Normally I'm pretty relaxed when it comes to stuff like this but the frequency and vividness of the dreams is starting to disturb me. I'm not used to having ANY vivid dreams every night or every other night, let alone weird/nightmarish sexual dreams.

So, is this normal?

If not, is there anything I can do about it?

orgasms aren't supposed to be a headache :(

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 16:57:31 -0800

I get headaches when I masturbate. Give me advice and hope, please? I'm female. I'm in my twenties and seemingly healthy. Until recently I was enamored of my Hitachi magic wand and the orgasms it brought me. (It's been the only way I've been able to orgasm--my hands don't do it for me.) But for the past few weeks, every time I start using it, I get pain in the back left part of my head within about sixty seconds, and it tends to escalate into a headache that lasts for several hours. I've been abstaining for a few days to a week and then testing the waters again, but so far it's still happening (and I stop immediately once I feel the pain - it seems to remain more mild if I stop masturbating right away.) Today I tried after a ten-day break, in a chair sitting up instead of lying down (in case I'd been moving my neck in a bad way while lying down and that was causing this) and still got the pain :( Taking aspirin an hour before hasn't helped either, sadly, nor has the small dose of propranalol I happened to have around. (Sometimes that's prescribed for this problem.)

I've done some googling and discovered that this happens to some people. I also realize you are not my doctor and it would be wise to speak to one, although I'm waiting for my health insurance to kick in before I do that. I'm hoping to hear anecdotes or advice about this, especially from other women - apparently the phenomenon is more common in men, so much of what's online is about/by men.

I'm finding this pretty upsetting, maybe even more so because I've never had sex (yet). I'm worried that this will never go away and I'll never get to enjoy sex with another person without worrying about this crappy problem and (if they even work) preventive meds and whatever else modern medicine might sugest. Did this happen to you? Did it go away? What sort of doctor/workup/treatment did you have? Was it related to your emotions at all? If it happened with a vibrator, did it also happen during sex?

Anonymous email address for follow-up questions or things you don't want to post publicly: blarger@gmail.com

The Conquering Hero "Comes"

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 22:19:41 -0800

My girlfriend can't get me to orgasm. Plenty of NSFWness inside. My girlfriend and I have, in short, reached third base in our relationship: fingers, hands and tongues everywhere. No sex (yet). She's the female equivalent of Jizz In My Pants: she can get off from a gust of wind. OK, not really. But with minimal massaging I can get her to come in under a minute.

I'm not so easy. Before meeting this great girl, I had never been touched below the belt. So when my girlfriend's hands slowly went towards the groin...I felt ticklish and cracked up loudly...real smooth. Every time she tries again, I manage to smother my laughter, but I just don't get the thrill I expected. Dry hands hurt more than help, and saliva or blowjobbing makes it only slightly better. After a few minutes I get close, but I plateau there. Five minutes, she's ready to give up and I'm lying there apathetically.

Having satisfied myself with my hand for way too long, I'm worried I've desensitized myself to anything that's not me.

What's wrong? Is failure to orgasm normal for those who haven't experienced this stuff before? Is it fear? Excessive masturbation? What can I do?

Relevant side note: Peeing is laborious too. Even in an empty bathroom it takes me several minutes for me to start urinating.

I'm disgusted by what turns me on. Please help.

Anonymous — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 08:25:04 -0800

It seems like the only thing that can get me off is extremely unpleasant written erotica (details inside, to keep the front page clean). Do I have a problem? Should I see a therapist? Background info that might be relevant: I'm female, North American, raised Catholic but not at all religious, 20, and I've never had a sexual or romantic relationship of any kind. Hell, I've never even been kissed. I'm pretty sure I'm straight, but the jury is out on whether I'm asexual (I've never really felt sexually attracted to someone else, but I figure I haven't had enough experience to be sure).

I discovered masturbation a few years ago. Porn does nothing for me; I only seem to orgasm from written erotica, of the sort that can be found at the alt.sex.stories text repository and other places on the net. The problem is, the vanilla stuff is no good either. What turns me on is really horrifying and taboo content - we're talking rape, torture, pedophilia, sometimes all three at once. If I try to keep reading afterwards, or by the light of day, I'm disgusted with myself because of how vile it is, and sometimes I tell myself "never again!" but I usually manage to convince myself to rescind that in a few days or weeks. So - is this something I need to get help for? If so, is it because I shouldn't feel so guilty about things, or because I'm a despicable human being to be having this fetish in the first place?

On the one hand, I tell myself that it is only written erotica. There is definitely no one getting hurt (if I watched porn, I might be less fully convinced, but I don't so it's moot). On the other hand, if things like this and this are happening - and I read more than enough "people who like this stuff make me sick" comments on those threads - then surely people are seeing some sort of inherent wrong in material of this sort. I know that I would never rape or hurt someone - the idea of even, say, slapping someone in anger turns my stomach - but even disregarding my personal qualms, I only read male-on-female stuff and being female makes it kind of impossible to act out that scenario as an aggressor.

If this is something only confined to the dark hours of the night in my bedroom, is it still wrong? If it is wrong, can I really do anything about it aside from hate myself? I think it's been around forever (though I didn't think of it as a sexual thing until recently), since I remember reading a rape scene in a (crappy sequel to) Dune book when I was pretty young and it caught my attention in a way other sex scenes hadn't. Can something that hardwired really be ripped out, and will I have anything left after? Would I accomplish as much by just giving up ever masturbating at all?

Anyways, I'm sorry for being a bit disjointed and rambly, and very sorry if I've offended or disturbed anyone reading this. I'm confused and ashamed and would rather not see a therapist, since I'm far from wealthy, but if there's nothing else to be done I suppose I will have to take the plunge. If you're uncomfortable answering here, I have a throwaway account at : sickorjustsick@gmail.com. Thank you very much, anyone who answers; I really, really appreciate any counsel your wiser heads have to offer.

Here there be orgasms. (NSFW, clearly.)

Anonymous — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 19:22:33 -0800

NSFW Sex Question Inside: I can't orgasm without holding my breath. I'm a low-20s male who masturbates frequently, has had sex often enough with a decent enough number of ladies, and I'm finding myself having a lot of trouble plowing through and getting to orgasm quickly.

I think I put a lot of emphasis on "holding out" and "lasting longer" which is fantastic until doing so causes you to wear out (I'm not in great shape, but I'm not ridiculously overweight or anything) and lose your erection for a couple of minutes.

Even while masturbating, even, say, to porn (which is frequent enough, and has been for some time), if I'm not holding my breath, I can lose my erection. If I am holding my breath, I run out of that ability at some point and get VERY CLOSE and then have to take a breather (literally) and, well, lose it. It's wildly frustrating to not be able to just push myself over the edge until the third or fourth or fifth run through of this.

This is an issue in any position, with incredibly attractive ladies or alone with porn or alone with imagination. It's absolutely annoying because I'm young and healthy (though a bit out of shape) and feel like I should be able to get an erection, maintain it the entire course of whatever I'm doing, and orgasm.

Instead, I get an erection, maintain it for the first 5-10 minutes of sex, sometimes more, sometimes a bit less, and then need to take a break, mostly because I hold my breath to build up the sensation. If I force myself to breathe normal, I can go a bit longer, but if I don't hold my breath at some point, I don't build up to the fever pitch I need to and I lose it.

So what the fuck have I done to myself? I don't have "performance anxiety" in any traditional sense. I'm confident and I've been complimented plenty and I make sure the lady gets hers one way or another, but I'm getting tired of losing an erection *during* sex because I'm fucking up at managing my breathing. That might be a red herring, but it's certainly what appears to be the case.

Please help here. I don't feel like I should need to be on the blue pill. I get very hard, large erections, wake up with them, have them easily through regular exciting foreplay stuff... but I definitely can lose them during sex after just a few minutes, and I'm not sure what to do.

I've definitely had sex the gain-erection-keep-it-orgasm way a bunch of times, but it's felt like that's not been doable for the past year or two, with no major physiological differences in that time frame. I've done the holding my breath thing for about forever, but I need some insight on what I'm doing to myself.

I'm aware of the erotic asphyxiation kink, but I'm not hanging myself or looking to get into that—holding my breath is just something I did manually because it felt better to build up like that. But now, it feels as if it's the only want to maintain an erection and this is no good for me, since I can only hold my breath for so long. (The length of time dropping dramatically the more... active I am.)

Any insight? I'm trying to masturbate more in single sessions, instead of holding breath, backing off and restarting, which has been a bit of my MO lately. I'm also trying to stop with the holding breath thing in general... Anything else? (And yeah, I've had a few "whoops, that was too fast" moments. But damn, not in a long time. I get into the out of breath/take a break situation a LOT more, which isn't better by any means.)

Thanks!

multiple orgasm: pro or con?

Anonymous — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 18:05:49 -0800

Very NSFW question about female self-pleasure. You've been warned! I am a woman. I am a woman who likes to masturbate.

I have been totally psyched to find out in the past week or so that when I smoke pot I am capable of multiple orgasm, like, to the extreme. I'm not talking about squeezing out an extra one or two through self-discipline, which is what I've infrequently managed before. I mean, I enter an orgasmic state that can last a while (as long as I want, over 30 minutes even), and in that state have multiple peaks, on the order of dozens. I can't keep count, that's how many.

Yeah. It's pretty awesome.

But it's also kind of foreign. I've always had a voracious sex drive, I've been masturbating for probably 22-23 years and having sex for 15, and I've been a one-orgasm lady 99% of the time. I've always avoided pot during sex because it once ruined an otherwise fun night by making me totally dry -- mouth and lady parts -- but this phenomenon makes that inconvenience worth it. (Plus I have no partner right now or in the foreseeable future anyway.)

- I'm in my mid-30s; have you experienced an awakening like this later in life?
- Is this the sexual peak I've read about?
- Why does this only seem to work when I'm high? What mechanism is at work? Is it relaxation on a level I can't reach when sober?
- Is it possible to learn to do this when sober? What do I need to do?
- Is it lame to only be able to do this when I'm high? (I can still climax when sober, but only once each go-around.)
- Is this attractive to sex partners, or would it seem weird or circus-act-like?

(Please note that I live somewhere that this kind of pot use is legal and not taboo.)

What biologically causes the pleasure associated with an orgasm?

WCityMike — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 17:46:54 -0800

What are the underlying processes occurring during an orgasm that are the biological causes of the pleasurable sensation we associate with it? Is the sensation of orgasm a function of the nervous system, or is it something neurochemical in the brain, or both, or neither? Is the reason that certain masturbatory and/or sexual acts feel good because of nerve concentration in the erogenous areas, or is it something different or more in nature? I'm primarily interested in answers relating to the male orgasm ... as I expect the male orgasm and the female orgasm may have different biological processes given the different anatomy?

And just to ward off any wisenheimers, I obviously understand the idea of Act A produces Obvious Biological Result B and Happy Sensation C. What I'm curious about is the underlying medical process behind that equation.

I'd like to explode, but can't.

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 11:28:28 -0800

I'm a man and I can't orgasm. What can I do to remedy this? I am a late 20's male who recently began having sex, and I am having a distressing problem. Namely, I can't achieve orgasm.

The first time my partner and I did it, I orgasmed, but since then, nothing.

I masturbated a lot through the years and have the feeling that this lies at the core of my problem. A vagina doesn't grip my penis as tightly as my hand does. I also masturbated without lotion or lube. Like a good boy, I've also been using condoms. As a result, the friction needed to make achieve orgasm isn't there.

Is there anything I can do to remedy this problem? Any techniques or toys that might get my penis more accustomed to the slippery looseness of a vagina? My partner assures me that her vagina is pretty tight.

If you need more details or want to e-mail me privately, please e-mail me at chronicmast at gmail dot com.

Thanks!

Why do I become flushed after sex or masturbation?

davidstandaford — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 17:17:39 -0800

Possibly not safe for work question about masturbation/sex and becoming flushed in the face after. I get flushed in the face and look almost like I was sunburned after I masturbate or have sex. It doesn't happen while I'm in the act or directly after, but later in the day, or usually the next day. I tried searching for this online but it was hard to find anything because apparently many people become flushed during masturbation/sex and then it goes away when they are done, and this is different than what happens to me.

If I've orgasmed 3 or 4 times in a day, then I'm especially bright red in the face the next day. This doesn't happen anywhere else on my body, just the face. Anyone experience something like this before, or have any advice so I can do a better job searching online?

I know none of you are my doctor and this is not medical advice, but it doesn't seem entirely like a medical problem to me, and it's been happening for over 10 years with seemingly no ill effects so I've never asked my doctor about it before, but if I should, let me know and I'll mention it the next time I'm in there.

More than once every 52 seconds

StrikeTheViol — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 17:44:48 -0800

I feel my libido is too high. How can I normalize it healthily and deal with it? I'm 22, and I've noticed my desire increasing very sharply over the past year or so. It's getting in the way of other activities I have and making it difficult to keep up with studying, as I'll frequently become distracted when even obliquely reminded of arousing things, even more than my high school years. I masturbate at least once daily, often more, but it doesn't satisfy, regardless of how long I take doing it, even extending beyond an hour. I've been on antidepressants, but I've found that sexual feelings remain, whether or not I get an erection.

I haven't done anything illegal or even particulary antisocial other than flirting with some women already in relationships, but I'm still a virgin and I think the way I approach women unconsciously as a result of this has actually cost me several opportunities for sex and sex play, among other things. I've been to multiple therapists, responses ranging from "just wait and it'll decrease naturally" to "It's perfectly normal" and that I probably should be happy my sexual stamina is so high. Other resources I've found include a Mormon pamphlet advising dunking the genitals in icewater, and some people with physical sex addiction problems that seem far distant from my experiences. Is that really all there is?

Pleasing yourself

hadjiboy — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 05:36:55 -0800

Do women have different phrases to describe the act of masturbation? Men seem to have no shortage of them, from watching American television, but I was wondering if women had such a diverse vocabulary on that topic as well. Come on ladies—spill!

(Or not—totally upto you:))

Help for the climactically disadvantaged?

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 04:54:18 -0800

Help me attain the big O without…mechanical assistance. [NSFW] Ever since I can remember (since my teen years,), I’ve only been able to achieve an orgasm with some kind of mechanical assistance. Yep, I started with the massaging showerhead, then went on to vibrators in college. I’ve had a lot of sex, though I’ve never had an orgasm during (and yes, I know, many women can’t from just penetrative sex), or from any other kind of human contact. I can’t even get myself off without the use of a vibrator.

It never bothered me much because hey, I can after all have one whenever I wish, under my own [battery] power--but the time has come that I’d really like to be able to have an orgasm with someone else. I figure that I should probably start with doing it myself, then I can show my [new] guy how to help me.

So, can you suggest ways I can wean myself off the vibe? I’d especially like to hear from any of those who have gone through a similar process and have been successful, but any ideas are welcome. I just don’t really know how to go about this. I’m 24, heterosexual, and female. I can be reached at helpfortheO@gmail.com.

I can't come.

Anonymous — Sat, 24 Jun 2006 04:08:20 -0800

I'm male, in my early twenties. Ever since I popped my cherry, I've had issues orgasming from sex. Condoms make this only a small fraction below impossible; without, it's still very likely I won't be able to come from sex. Sex feels great, and I'm able to get up to a nice plateau, but then I just can't seem to get the rhythm down, or something. Times that I do orgasm, it takes a lot of work, and is extremely draining. The payoff, of course, is great. However, the partner's vagina usually gets sore before I'm able to get there. My penis is of average length, and a bit more than averge girth, and this issue has plagued me between seven different partners, of varying vaginal, personality, physical, and other qualities. The level of attraction has ranged from extreme casualness to full-on infatuation and love.

I masturbate between once and twice daily, typically, during the week. Weekends are sex time, and as result of the vaginal difficulties, we resort to a helping-handjob to take care of the frustration. Which by this point takes less than thirty seconds. Between all my partners I've had in the last five years or so, none have been frequent sex partners. The most would be once or twice a week. Is this simply an issue of not being in the 'getting laid all the time' routine? How normal is this?

Lube (Astroglide) allergy?

Anonymous — Wed, 14 Jun 2006 12:21:07 -0800

Lube (Astroglide) allergy? Problem: Masturbating with lube (astroglide) = terrible burning when urinating for 30 minutes afterwards.

Question: Is this a 'stop using Astroglide' sort of thing or a 'go see a doctor' sort of thing? I've already been tested for STDs and UTIs. Anyone else experienced this?

What do you do when masturbation has lost its fun?

sjvilla79 — Thu, 25 May 2006 23:00:50 -0800

What do you do when masturbation has lost its fun? I'm in a serious relationship right now. The first good one for about two years. So, I find now that I'm not masturbating at all. And yeah I'm fine with it. But even having a go by myself nowadays just doesn't have that same old appeal. I actually get bored, distracted, and then eventually stop. I basically can't stop thinking about my girlfriend. Everything else isn't floating my boat! How might one go about getting that zest for self-gratification back again though? Should I even care? Oh yeah we do have heaps of sex (you can put mutual masturbation and so on under that umbrella). It's all great. Just need to be clear on that. But I guess my mind is still wondering if there's really room for masturbation outside of a loving relationship. Have you been here?

Songs About F***ing

sourwookie — Wed, 25 Jan 2006 19:02:23 -0800

SEX! And music! And sexy music! Now that I have your attention.... I'm trying to put together a list of pop/rock music that by tempo, rythmn, texture evoke sex via aural means. I'm not looking for sexy/raunchy words, more specifically I'm trying to find songs that by the use of their instruments and arrangments sound like sex. I understand that this can be intangible and hard to define but bear with me. A couple I have come up with already are "Bull In The Heather" by Sonic Youth, and "I Love You" by The Dandy Warhols. The breakdown in Prince's "Lady Cab Driver does it admirably, though with some foley work. Hopefully you get the idea. I'm trying to find things that obviously convey the idea of fucking without doing so through words.

Additionally I'm trying to compile a list of songs about masturbation. I already have a great deal, but they are all 60's through 80's. I need newer ones as the most recent I have listed is "I Touch Myself" from the early 90's.