Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and marriage

How can I help make same-sex marriage legal?

Mrs. Pterodactyl — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 04:46:22 -0800

The legalization of same-sex marriage is very important to me. What can I do to help? I don't have much money to donate and I'm wondering what avenues would be best in terms of volunteering my time. Quick background, in case this is relevant in any way: I am a woman married to a man, my mother is an Episcopal priest who agrees with me on this issue and I live in DC so I don't have any congresspeople to whom I can write. What can I do to help make same-sex marriage legal throughout the country?

Tired of all the cliche's

Anonymous — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 07:39:13 -0800

Harry and I got married when I was 42. Ours was a rocky relationship at its worst and absolutely riveting at its best. Even today the passion we share and yes, even the fights we occasionally have are intense, but all the laughter, that is what kept us together. We are sharing our 25th wedding anniversary on our wedding day this December. We are writing vows and I wanted to know what are the little things in relationships that made you love someone the most? I feel like all the things I want to say are cliche I need inspiration. I don't want to disappoint him.

Help us get in the swing of things

Anonymous — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 12:05:14 -0800

My significant other and I have started introducing swinging to our marriage and need some advice. We were inspired by this question, but we are not looking for polyamory with long term relationships, but merely by spicing up our current relationship by bringing others into our bed. We have had some experiences, and then took a break from it for a bit. We now are looking to get more into it and are hoping to find some advice.

We are not looking to sleep with different people every weekend, we are looking to make friends with folks that we would enjoy hanging out with, and basically have "couples friends with benefits". But how do we find likeminded people? Our searches on sites like AdultFriendFinder.com have not turned up anyone with whom we click in our area (it may be a problem with us living in the midwest but having a bit of an erudite attitude...not so into hunting, tractor pulls, etc. and a LOT of the people on AdultFriendFinder, no joke, have pictures of themselves in Wal Marts...).

We have even gone to a couple swinger's parties and met some couples who were nice enough but those devolved into orgies at the end of the night, which isn't exactly what we're looking for here...

Next, we are looking for any tips and suggestions to keep our communication open and as we figure out where we go from here. I've seen the book "The Ethical Slut" recommended, does that apply to swinging or just polyamory?

Anyone who doesn't want to reply in public can email us at the throwaway midwestswingers@gmail.com

I love my husband but I keep wanting other men

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 07:48:56 -0800

I love my husband, he is a wonderful, caring, attractive man but for some reason I don't want to have sex with him even though I'm really REALLY interested in sex. Posted anonymously for obvious reasons. Some background info - I'm a healthy, successful 32 year old woman who works hard to look good, my partner and I have been married for 9 years (no children).

I love my husband, he is a wonderful, caring, attractive man but for some reason I don't want to have sex with him even though I'm really REALLY interested in sex.

It gets worse - I now frequently have sex dreams involving friends / co-workers, but never my husband, and it's starting to affect my everyday life. We were at a party a few weeks ago and I had to purposefully keep myself away from one of my husband's friends who'd been in my dream because I was afraid I'd have one drink too many and be all over him.

And I keep having this recurring dream about a very cute co-worker, it's been going on for months now and I just can't see the guy at work any more without mentally undressing him. I don't know why I'm like this, I've just always had a high sex drive, and the enticement of danger and excitement doesn't help!

I love my husband, I have no desire to hurt him in any way, but whenever I make advances he has an excuse ready 90% of the time and we have sex so infrequently now that when we do it's weird.

He also strongly associates sex with love, whereas for me sex is just an experience, something really fun to do, a life experience to be enjoyed. I tried explaining this to him once but it didn't go down well; he is the jealous type and abhors cheating.

I feel like a horrible terrible person for saying this but if I COULD have sex with other people and he would never find out or be hurt by it in any way, I would. But we're married, and that's cheating. I just don't know what to do... I love him, he loves me, but he never seems to want me even though he *says* he does (actions speak louder than words!), and consequently I finding myself wanting things I shouldn't want.

Can there be a happy outcome to a situation like this? We have a good relationship and a lot of history together but this lack of any and all sex in my life is becoming unmanageable. I'd really appreciate any and all feedback, personal experiences, etc. Thank you in advance.

No sex no fun

Anonymous — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 15:27:15 -0800

What is one to do when the sex has gone out of the marriage? My wife and I are early 30s, married about 5 years together for 7, and it seems that the sex is over. I have tried the usual things, romantic dates, nights out, trips intended to be romantic "away from our daily job grind" types of things, but it's just not there. I compliment her on her looks, her clothes, etc. to make sure she knows I find her sexy, but all it garners is "thank you".

We are fairly healthy communicators I feel and I've brought this up to her a number of times, and it's always the same reply "I'm busy, I'm tired, I don't mean to neglect you" but whenever I initiate sex I am turned down for reasons of "tired" or "sore" or "sick" or "headache" etc. And she never initiates it.

This is a far cry from the sexy, sex-minded woman I dated who used to initiate constantly...I almost feel like I was lured into the marriage by false advertising, that she pretended to be more into sex until marriage, where it has now waned to the point I cannot remember the last time we did have sex.

Other than the sex our relationship is great. She's my closest friend and confidant. But without the sex, I'm starting to not feel valued, etc. It doesn't help that I have some issues in my past which have led to me having a higher than normal libido, and I find my self-worth through sex. So without the sex I'm feeling unloved.

(I do think perhaps the loss of libido may be due to some weight we have both picked up recently, both due to attractiveness issues and due to the fact that overweight people lose energy and libido, however she also seems fairly unwilling to eat more healthy which is something I have tried to pursue as well).

And in case anyone brings it up, I'm positive she's not having an affair. It's not that she's getting it somewhere else, it's that she just seems to no longer need it.

So I guess my question is: is this a divorce-worthy issue if everything else is going good? Is therapy required? Are there alternatives (Besides the obvious solo masturbation that I am doing daily) that can simply make ME not want sex?

She's fairly conservative so I don't feel suggesting an "open marriage" would be something she would be receptive to.

Sex - how many times/month is typical for married couples?

blahtsk — Wed, 27 May 2009 20:36:23 -0800

For couples married around 5 years - how many times a month do you have sex? Our average is around 3 times a month, I'd like to see us increase that to 5. (Let's not focus on that part; there are health issues involved.) We don't have kids, we're 32 years old, married 7 years. My wife tells me that her work friends in similar situations say that sex 2-3 times a month is average / normal for them.

I'd like a larger sample set than a few work friends. For (satisfied) partners in a similar situation, how many times a month do you do it? (I'm concerned that my desire for 5/month is high.)

Thanks in advance.

How do I make things work with my wife while we're working through our issues?

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 18:05:40 -0800

My wife and i are working through some difficult issues. We love each other dearly, but we're no longer physically intimate. Neither one of us is willing to give up on our relationship. How do I make things work while we're trying to make things work? So to make a very long story short, my wife and I have been married 6 years, together over 10. Shortly before we got married our sex life started to head south and over the years deteriorated into sex once every couple months (if that). She's terribly uncomfortable with the idea of being physically intimate. After much arguing and a near divorce I convinced her to go to couple's therapy.

The good news is that we've learned so much about our relationship and love for each other. The process is far from easy, but its worth it. More often than not the therapy reinforces the positives of our relationship. However we still have a long way to go and the physical aspect of our relationship has yet to return.

So here's my question - aside from masturbation and having some good friends to complain to every now and again, what can I do to make life easier for myself and my wife as we're working things out?

(side note: please don't bother telling me to leave her or get a girlfriend on the side. i'm not interested in either of those options, so save your breath)

Sex life gone, complications of course, how to improve things?

Anonymous — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 12:27:04 -0800

A common story: after 7 years of marriage, post-partum depression and a now-3 year old kid, sex (and sexiness) is long gone. I (husband) would like it back. I'm trying to be a supportive partner and make things better, but don't seem to be having any impact. She says she cares, but doesn't make efforts to help. Any suggestions? Just to make it clear, I love her, and intend on sticking through this rough patch.

My wife....is not inherently sexy. I find her attractive, but much more so when she puts any effort into her appearance. Normally, and understandably, most days it's sweat pants and a junk t-shirt while she's at home taking care of our kid. Unfortunately, that doesn't change very often or at all. I've expressed that I want to help her so things are less of a drain on her and so we can improve our relationship. So far that means I clean/help out more (I work more than full time) and watch the kid more while she gets time out (which means I haven't had any time out for a very long time myself and also means my wife and I don't increase our time together at all).

I'm having trouble expressing the question in this post. I want things better. I want a sex life. I want a happier wife. I want to be happier. I want my wife and I to be happier together. I want to feel attractive to my wife and want to be more attracted to her (and/or more often attracted to her). How do I accomplish these things?

And to top it all off, (maybe this is a big part of this question) how do I explain all this to her in a way that doesn't make things worse and make her feel bad?

how to boost libido in a long-term relationship

monkeygenius — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:09:54 -0800

Help us (straight couple in our late twenties) fix our sex life so we can stay together. I'm a woman in a two year relationship with a man also in his late twenties. We've been together for two years. We've lived together for a year, but as he puts it, "we've basically been living together since the beginning." He has never lived with anyone before, but I have. We've had our share of problems, but both of us think we have a really good thing going. The major exception right now is the sex.

We both enjoy sex when we have it, but that's rarely more than once a month. I'm not particularly turned on because I don't feel very desired. He says he just doesn't feel the urge as often as he used to. This has been going on for over a year, but first was attributed to depression/anxiety (he's now on Wellbutrin), then to a need for some personal space, an issue which is now much better.

Typically he has a higher libido, and while neither one of us thinks we're doing it often enough, he just doesn't feel like having sex very often. Me coming on to him doesn't work either. (I've also tried not changing clothes in front of him, wearing nice things to bed, and leaving him alone about it).

The main problem, he says, is that sex is not related to emotions for him; it's more about the thrill of the chase. I realize that this is true of a lot of people, but here it's true to the point of causing problems.

As far as I can tell, emotional intimacy and sexual desire are inversely correlated for him. One idea I had was to try to shift something in the bedroom, not necessarily for further excitement, but just to break us out of habit (sort of like switching which side of the bed you sleep on).

So, two parts to the question, I guess. 1) what are some general things we can do to boost his libido? and 2) what are some things we can try to break out of our routine, that don't involve costumes or toys? (neither of us is prudish, we just don't get into that).

We agree that we're at the point of progressing to marriage, but neither of us wants to do so unless this issue is resolved. Please help us.

Should I tell my wife about my new fetish?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 22:01:47 -0800

Should I try to ask my wife to let me try a sex act that I know she'll think is gross? My wife and I have a good sex life. We're both attracted to each other and love having sex. I love her and am really hot for her and we have really good sex, but I also have a very strong libido and masturbate when she's either not around or unwilling, and she's cool enough to be fine with that. We're totally in love.

But a couple weeks ago I was masturbating while she was away for the weekend and I guess I was curious, so I put a finger in my butt near the end, and the feeling I had when I finished was *amazing*.

I want to be stimulated that way while I have sex with her, but I know for a fact she'll be grossed out by it. I brought up having anal sex with her a long time ago, and she thought the idea was gross ("there's poop in there" was I think the biggest deal). So there's no way she'll want to reach back and stimulate me that way. If she's grossed out with me doing it to her, then I'm pretty sure no way she'll do it to me. I could do it to myself, but I'm worried it would freak her out and make the sex not as good for her, which is the most important thing to me.

But the deal is that I feel like it's wrong that there's something that I'm enjoying without her, like it's the kind of secret you shouldn't keep from your wife. I'm not going to try to talk her into it, because I know she's really disgusted with the whole idea, but I feel like keeping that a secret is wrong. On the other hand, if she wouldn't like it, I feel like maybe bringing it up would do more harm than good.

Should I tell her, and if I should tell her, how? The idea really scares the hell out of me. I don't want to change the way she sees me. And yeah, I know, if she *really* loves you she won't run away -- I don't think she would leave me over something like this at all, she's great, but coming out about something like this is hard for me.

Are there any effective birth control pills.

minsid — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 11:12:33 -0800

are there any effective birth control pills out there? 1) Are there any effective birth control pills out there?

2) Does it have any side effects?

3) is it healthy

4) does it work?

Will she get pregnant or not?

minsid — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 06:10:43 -0800

Is it true that 3 days before and 3 days after a woman's period, there is sort of like a grace period, where the woman won't get pregnant? Is it true that 3 days before and 3 days after a woman's period, there is sort of like a grace period, where the woman won't get pregnant?

My friend told me there but I need some articles and facts about it.

Please provide any reference if available

thanks

How do married same-sex couples hold title?

Graygorey — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 23:42:24 -0800

How do married same-sex couples hold title? Any recommendations or resources for California same-sex unions wanting to change title to their property? Today, at the counter at a California county recorder's office, a woman asked me how she could add her wife to the title of her property. While same-sex marriage was legal in California (don't get me started on prop. 8), what was the common language for married couples?

Should I tell my husband about my past with a friend?

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 16:40:19 -0800

I ran across an old friend on a social networking site. Five years ago, we went on a few dates and slept together a few times. He wants to have coffee. Really, just coffee. He's in a relationship, I'm married. Is it OK to see this guy? Should I tell my husband about our past? I am very happily married. I am not attracted to this guy, who I'll call John, although obviously I was five years ago. John and I parted amicably and sent sporadic emails. I haven't actually talked to or seen the guy since I met my husband four years ago.

I have absolutely no doubt that John's intentions are honorable. His relationships tend to be polyamorous and/or open, so it's conceivable he would be open to the possibility of something, but he's given me no indication that he has any interest in me beyond just chatting.

My husband is not the jealous type; before we moved in together I had two straight male friends with whom I spent a lot of time talking, and he did not mind a bit. (I had not dated nor slept with either.) I also hung out with a group of friends, some of whom I'd dated, and he did not mind that either. I did not tell him that I'd slept with one of the guys in the group, because we were always around other people. (That guy ended up getting invited over to our house by my husband, which was weird. I never told my husband, and I don't talk to that guy anymore.)

I consider the fact that I slept with John to be irrelevant given that it absolutely will not happen again, but would this be a lie by omission if I didn't tell my husband? Is it wrong to go for coffee at all? (Certainly my husband is welcome to come with and meet John, but he's so busy that I rarely see him these days. Also, would it be horribly awkward knowing that the guy across the table from you slept with your wife?)

How do you/did you plan, compromise, or agree on standards for your sex life?

Anonymous — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:32:05 -0800

How do you/did you plan, compromise, or agree on standards for your sex life? I'm 23, female, and about to get married to someone with a much higher sex drive than mine (I attribute this to his having very few sexual relationships prior to me, while I have been much more active). At first, we had the usual new-relationship-constant-sex thing that most people do, which lasted a few months, and now two and a half years later he's still expecting to have sex daily (or multiple times daily). It's not that I'm less attracted to him, but I have certainly gotten busier and less sexual - for me, 2-3 times a week would be sufficient, if not too often.

We have attempted to address this several times and come to a stalemate where compromises are concerned. He just doesn't get why I was able to have sex so often before, but can't now. Also, he seems to think that when I don't feel like having intercourse, it isn't too much to ask for me to help him manually. I disagree - while I'm not opposed to this sometimes, there are days where I just don't have the capacity for sex in any form.

So what I'm asking is, how does one work out something like this? I assume most married couples have discussed this and come to some sort of conclusion, but how, and what is it? Is it wise or normal to say "We'll do it x times a week, and if one of us does not want to, then y or z."? Is there another solution we're not seeing? What kinds of compromises or agreements do you have or know about?

I know that there are other threads like this one and this one which include suggestions on a happy married life - I need suggestions of this kind in regard to a happy married sex life.

Help me talk to my wife

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 08:09:46 -0800

Conversation starters needed for married couple's date night. The wife is a bit introverted and needs some prodding to get a conversation started... if it doesn't include career, kids or family. After 10+ years of marriage, kids and career, we need to spice things up and get to know each other again. I am looking for intimate, scruples-type questions we can ask each other to get us talking about our sex life...and life in general. An hour of Googling has not been particularly helpful.

Vintage Wedding Gfift - Naughty

Lesser Shrew — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 18:31:04 -0800

Can you help me with titles, online shopping sources for 1950s tongue-in-cheek sex/marriage manual? I'm looking for something like "Is Sex Neccessary" or "Having a Baby Can Be a Scream" that was published in the mid- to late fifties. This is for a gag gift so condition is not an issue. Title, author, or even dim memory of a book would be helpful.

My local library and combined catalogues are having trouble with the humor-sex combination.

I think I'm straight. Now what?

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 11:33:23 -0800

After a long time in a lesbian relationship, I'm coming to the realization that I think I'm straight. I don't want to leave my wife (I really love her), but I can't stop thinking about men. Please help me figure this out. Sexually explicit details inside. NSFW When I met the woman who I ended up marrying, I had never thought about sexuality. I had had a very few relationships with men, but was very young. When she told me she was interested in me I thought I could give it a try, fell in love with her, and started identifying as bisexual.

At first the sex was awful (we were both inexperienced and had no idea how to have sex, never mind lesbian sex), but it got better. Over time, though, I found that I had the best orgasms when I fantasized about men during sex. It took a long time for me to tell her this, but I did, and she was fine with it. Eventually it came to be that I could only orgasm when I fantasize about men. She knows this too, and it doesn't bother or worry her at all.

It bothers and worries me. I feel like I'm not having sex with her, rather, I'm masturbating with a hands-free vibrator. I've tried not fantasizing, I've tried keeping my eyes open so that I can see her, and all it does is keep me from coming, make me frustrated, and tire out her arm.

Thinking about this, I've realized several things: I have never really checked out other women in a sexual way. I see a sexy woman and I think "I'd like to look like her" rather than "I'm sexually attracted to her." I look at men, though. The only times I've ever fantasized about women are in fantasies where men are watching me have sex with a woman, and still, the fun only starts when the man/men join in. All of my porn is straight porn, or else it pictures just one woman, and I always identify with the woman and not with the person off-scene who is playing with her.

Recently, my wife and I have pretty much stopped having sex. I know this is partly just a function of being in a ltr, but I feel more and more like we are best friends who happen to share a bed, rather than romantic partners. We've bought toys, we've watched porn, we've tried a bit of kink, but nothing seems to be bringing back the spark. I'm horny, but just don't want to have sex with her. She has said the same, but has said that I'm seeming colder and colder.

I love her so much. She is my world and my light and my heart. She takes care of me, makes me feel beautiful, makes me feel special, makes me want to be a good person. She's my best friend, my confidante, and I trust her implicitly.

Still, I fantasize about a stubbly chin nuzzling against my neck. I dream of being the shorter one in a hug. Of pressing my face against a flat chest, wrapping my arms around narrow hips. I think about sex with a man. A lot. Not any particular man, just a man.

Am I straight? How can I know if I'm straight as opposed to bisexual? Am I just stuck in a monogamy rut? Can I fix myself for this relationship or am I fucked? Am I going to come to a realization ten years down the road and leave my wife for a man, like so many of my older lesbian friends did in reverse? How can I prevent that from happening?

It hurts when you hit a wall

tdreyer1 — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 20:31:37 -0800

My wife is very 'vanilla' when it comes to intimacy. Okay. First: Background. We are newly-weds of about 6 months. We were each others' first & only partners, but we dove into our sex life and have been having a lot of fun. We have 'regular' sex often, but I like to try new things, so I have been working on my oral routine on her, and have been having a lot of success. The only problem, is when I ask my wife to go down on me, she gets... shy. I think that's the best way to say it. She is not 'shy' when it comes to regular sex, but the moment I mention oral, she gets tense, and no amount of conversation will even convince her to go near me. She also has problems describing/explaining her thoughts and emotions, so I can't get the reason out of her. The closest I've come to getting the reason is that she's (deathly) afraid that she won't be able to breathe while she is doing it, but it seems that this is not the only reason.

I would like any advice you can give me on how to proceed with this situation. I would like to explore this area, but I seem to have hit a wall. I am very open, and able to express my feelings, thoughts, and emotions, but my wife does not have the same ability, and that has gotten in the way of our conversations on this topic. Please help!

p.s. to my knowledge, she has not been abused in any way, and I really have no reason to think so.

Can this marriage be saved?

Anonymous — Fri, 30 Mar 2007 08:31:19 -0800

My fun, happy, fairy-tale marriage of 2 months is imploding because my husband suddenly can't accept my past. Super-long explanation inside. Basically, from the ages of 18 to 23, I had a serious problem with alcohol, cocaine, and sex addiction. I was the weird smart zitty smelly kid in my early adolescence, and even though I discovered deodorant around age 13 and photographic evidence shows that I was perfectly acceptable-looking throughout highschool, I attended 5th-12th grades with the same small group of kids and the label never wore off. I had absolutely zero friends (except for the mentally challenged kids in the special needs class where I volunteered as an aide every afternoon from grades 10-12) and, of course, nothing but negative attention from boys, so when I got to college and realized that boys who hadn't watched me grow up might find me attractive, I went a little crazy. The drugs and alcohol helped me talk to them and the sex helped me feel accepted and everything sort of fed off of everything else. I took the substance and sex addiction with me when I dropped out of college and moved to Chicago and by the time I reached 23 I was throwing up blood on a daily basis and I'd racked up about 200 sexual partners. Luckily, I got evicted and, faced with the choice of homelessness and moving back in with my parents, I went with the latter. Well, actually, they dragged me home against my will, but I saw sense pretty quickly (fortunately, by this time they'd moved to a different town than the shitty one I grew up in). I stopped the drugs, stopped drinking (though for the last three years I've had a perfectly healthy relationship with alcohol, 3-4 drinks a week at the most) and I was celibate for almost two years. I had normal, healthy sexual relationships with three casual boyfriends in the two years before I met my husband (and I have, of course, been perfectly and happily faithful to him since the moment our relationship started).

I was honest with him about my past from the beginning and he was always completely and totally cool with it - not in an icky feminist-guy I-am-so-supportive-way, (even though he is a feminist guy), but in a completely non-judgmental no-big-deal way. It's hard to put that difference into words, but maybe that's clear enough. Anyway, as I said, he's suddenly not cool with it anymore. My first clue was that he told a mutual friend about it. The friend (who we'll call C) was hanging out at our house and the three of us were gathered around the laptop, trying to gross each other out with stuff from the internet (yeah, we're weird). I found a picture of a warty, cauliflower-looking vagina and C sniggered and said 'is that what yours looks like?" I know that sounds incredibly harsh, but we all tease each other really hard and I probably would have said the same thing to him had it been a picture of a warty penis (even though I'm pretty sure his partner count is in the single digits). I didn't think anything of it until I saw my husband give him the "dude, shutUP" look.

This led to a huge blowout after C left. His excuse for telling C about my sexual past is my claim that I'm not ashamed of it so why is it a big deal? And I was furious because I had this idea of our marriage as being this united-front, us-against-the-world, defending-each-other-no-matter-what partnership and the idea of him talking about me behind my back (ESPECIALLY talking about something like my sexual past) has devastated me. I've tried to work through it and forgive and forget, and he promises never to say anything about it to anyone again and C has promised not to talk about it, either, but I am still resentful. And that's making my husband resentful and it's making him weird around our friends (they're mostly male, and if we're out and he notices me laughing with someone, or having an intense conversation, he's suddenly at my side saying "hey what's going on?" when before the most he would have done would have been to catch my eye and smile) and it's destroying our sex life. Before it was intense and rough and joyful (sounds dorky, but I can't think of another word for it) and crazy and there wasn't anything that we wanted to do to or with each other that made either of us feel weird or uncomfortable, and suddenly anything that isn't totally power-neutral seems off-limits with him, if I try to pin his arms over his head while I'm on top or encourage him to pull my hair a little like he used to, he just kind of loses interest in the whole thing. He says he doesn't think it's healthy that I'm trying to work through my "issues with sex" by being rough in bed, which is bullshit. My "issues" were with feeling like an outsider and looking for acceptance. Aside from sheer quantity, there was nothing unusual or abusive about the sex I had, and there is no abuse of any kind in my childhood. I LOVED our sex life, and we've done so many insane, awesome things that I never did-never CONSIDERED doing-with any of the people I slept with before. But he doesn't believe me. And he suddenly doesn't seem to believe that I am capable of loving him as much as I say I do or that I can happily be faithful to him after 'my past'. He's also convinced that I'm lying about the fact that I made it through 200 sexual partners without contracting any STD's other than HPV. It's not hard to explain, I've always been a little germ-phobic, and I picked up the brown paper bags of condoms at the health department clinic on a pretty regular basis and always kept one or two in my wallet. I wasn't perfect, but I used a condom almost all the time. But he still doesn't believe me and he says if I'll lie about that, I might lie about other things.

I don't know what to do. My fairy tale is falling apart. I know lots of people will mention therapy, and while I would be happy to give it a try (it helped me kick my addictions before, I don't see why it wouldn't help us through this), I know my husband won't go. I've asked him. He says it will work itself out in time and that we're just going through a rough patch and I'm blowing it out of proportion.

heynonniemouse@gmail.com

Should i wait for a married guy?

rainbow_2006 — Wed, 02 Aug 2006 15:20:29 -0800

If you're in love with a married man, and he says he would leave his wife, would you stay? Whilst i love him very much, i am not sure if i should believe him as surely if he really was going to leave her he would have done this by now. Is it possible to love two people at the same time?

My wife and I have been together for 7 years, married for 4.5. I am crazy in love with her and completely devoted to her. There is just this one nagging (big) problem and it's killing me...

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Jul 2006 17:22:50 -0800

My wife and I have been together for 7 years, married for 4.5. I am crazy in love with her and completely devoted to her. There is just this one nagging (big) problem and it's killing me... She has no sex drive and hasn't since we've been together. She told me recently that she could go about her business every day without ever thinking about sex and never notice. When we make love it is great, she seems into it at the time, but she rarely initiates (when she does it seems just to appease me), and never has had an orgasm (except once, dry-humping with a previous boyfriend (ARRRRGHHHHH!!!!!).

We make love usually once or twice a week. Of course I would like it more, but the frequency is not the problem. She just never seems into it, and I can't help but feel that when we do it, she is just going through the motions for me. She never takes any intiative during sex, she usually just lays there and I do all the work. She seems to enjoy it, but not as much as I wish she did. We are both very busy, her in grad school, me working. We also have a 4 month old. She is a runner, 35+ miles a week. That is probably where her testosterone is going.

We have tried it all. Tried different pills, nuva ring, going completely off the pill and using condoms. No difference. I have tried working on the emotional end - making her feel beautiful and sexy (that's easy), cooking her dinner, romance, etc - these things will get her into bed (because she feels obligated?), but they don't seem to help with the libido. I was hoping after the baby her sex drive would change, it stayed the same. We are rapidly approaching the age when women are supposedly at their sexual peak, but I don't have high hopes for that either.

We talk about it. She feels bad. When I make a move and am rejected, I am upset, she feels bad, I feel bad, we argue and then the next day we both feel like shit all day (welcome to my day today.) She says she is busy and stressed out, and I am receptive to that (so am I), but I tell her this has been going on too long and it's time we really did something about it. Our latest solution (or step towards one) is for her to go talk to her OBGYN about it. Making an appointment has been an issue, she is trying to find a time, but this morning she said that she can't and it's not a priority for her. I tell her it should be because this is more important than work or school or career. more fighting and feeling like shit.

I feel horrible. I feel like I am trying to force her into something she doesn't want to do, but this is something she is supposed to want to do. I don't think I could ever cheat on her, but I am a man and I want to have sex with a horny girl. I have never threatened to cheat or leave or anything. Outside of this issue our marriage is amazing, we communicate well about everything, but I don't think she understands me about this and I can't help but feel like she doesn't care. She says she has a problem, and feels like there is something wrong with her, and she wants to make it better, but then she does nothing and nothing changes.

I refuse to give up and just resign us to a boring sex life. I don't want to be another unhappy and horny married man. I want hot sex with the woman I love.

Has anyone out there had a similar situation and successfully fixed it? Do we need counseling? If it's unfixable from an mental standpoint, has anyone tried Zestra? Does it work? Is there a miracle pill? Help!!

help me enjoy sex

Anonymous — Mon, 22 May 2006 17:49:11 -0800

Help me enjoy sex with my husband. If you do not want to read the long question, here is the problem in a nutshell: I am too uncomfortable with the whole sex thing and want to be more comfortable both in having sex and talking about it.

We have been together for seven years. I sometimes like sex (specifically: the act of penetration) OK, sometimes I really hate it. Almost never is it really good. My sex drive is good, I really look forward to it and I often get an orgasm after my husband stimulates me with his fingers. If the penetration lasts for more than a couple of minutes, I do not enjoy myself anymore and a while after that it becomes uncomfortable. I detach myself and start thinking about random things like what to cook the next day.

Some things that may be useful:
- I thoroughly love my husband and want to stay together for the rest of our lives.
- I am his first partner. He is my first long time partner, but I had some experience before him.
- His penis is small. Sometimes, after a while, I do not feel him anymore.
- We never talk about sex other than "did you like it" sometimes. It feels awkward.
- We have to use condoms as birth control at the moment, but it was not much better when we didn't.
- Our two year old sleeps on a mattress in our bedroom at the moment (there is no other option right now). Things were no different when s/he didn't, and the kid is sound asleep when we go to bed, but I guess it does limit us somewhat. I guess if I felt more comfortable we could have sex in the living room, but at the moment I really prefer the bed and the covers and the darkness of the bedroom.

I read previous threads and the advice that seems most applicable seems to be to focus on myself, but that's really hard for me. Advice on how to start doing that is welcome. Please realize that I am terribly inexperienced. I do not feel comfortable with oral sex yet, for example.

I realize a professional therapist may be helpful, but that's not an option right now.

Thanks in advance for any advice. If you do not want to reply in public here is a temporary e-mail address: xuvoqd102@sneakemail.com

What are the sexual obligations of a husband or wife?

Anonymous — Wed, 08 Mar 2006 11:32:46 -0800

What are the sexual obligations, if any, of a husband or wife? I don't mean strictly legally here, but in practical terms. I'm looking for some perspective as I my partner and I have sex just a few times a year now. Though I love this person dearly, and do not want to leave them, this situation is driving me completely crazy and I can't take it much longer.

Getting it up since the divorce

Anonymous — Mon, 12 Dec 2005 22:33:00 -0800

Since my separation and divorce from my wife of five years, I've had a really hard time maintaining an erection during sex with other women. I'm only 29, and really don't want to start taking Viagra, although I am curious if there are herbal supplements/remedies that could help me maintain.

I can get an erection and ejaculate normally - I just can't maintain a hard-on very well during sex, they come and go, come and go, and nothing a woman does really seems to help. I try and focus on them, but it's like there's no feeling in my penis.

This is causing me a lot of anxiety. My wife was my first long term sexual partner, although not my first. It's been a year since we separated and ten months since the last time we had sex. I had no problem making love to my wife and was often able to last an hour or more. But it's been totally different since then.

I know a lot of it is due to loss of confidence. What can I do, mentally and physically, to help get that back?