Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and love

How do I fix me?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:33:36 -0800

I feel like my life is over and I'm only 35. I feel completely stagnant and stuck, relationshipwise and jobwise. Do I need to change things or do I need to learn how to deal? Help me figure out how to be a happier person. Is there some Grand Unified Theory that explains all my problems? How do I fix me?

I'm a 35-year-old male who has dealt with lifelong anxiety. Two major things in my life right now have me in despair: my relationship and my job. Neither of these is awful; they are just blah. I can't see either of them improving. I feel like I'm too young to have a midlife crisis, but I feel like I have nothing left to look forward to. My life feels over. I feel like even if I change things, I'll become anxious and unhappy about something else. There are good things about my life, but I just do not know how to be content. Maybe deep down I feel like I don't deserve it.

I have been in therapy with different therapists on and off since I was 17. I've been seeing my current therapist for nearly 9 years, and I like her, and I have insights regularly, and she claims that I've changed for the better, but I still feel unhappy. I am a compulsive self-analyzer, but I can't seem to translate insights into actual change. Isn't the goal of therapy supposed to be to get to a point where you don't need therapy anymore?

I took meds (Celexa) for about 4 1/2 years. I never really felt like it solved things. I don't think I have depression -- I can function fine, I don't confine myself to bed, there are things I enjoy, I have genuine passion for life. It's just that life weighs heavily on me, and it always has.

I get frustrated and stressed out easily by little things in life. I have always worried about death, worried about wasting my life, worried about getting older (even when I was 21). Now I worry about middle age, old age. I'm gay, and I feel like I wasted my youth because I didn't come out of the closet until I was 24. I worry about long-term stress making me ill, which causes me more stress.

My relationship: I've posted a few AskMe's about this before (see here -- I changed details like numbers and dates in that first post because I wanted to be extra-safe about being anonymous), and I hate the idea of being a broken record, and I can see how people who have read my previous AskMe's might shake their heads at me for not having changed anything. But the thing is, I'm just terrified.

In short: my partner and I have been together for six years, and we've been in couples therapy for the last two. We truly love and care about each other and have a cozy, very boring, oxytocin-filled relationship, but we have never had a very sexual relationship, and after discussing it repeatedly in therapy, I'm pretty much convinced we never will. He has practically zero sex drive, and I'm just not sexually attracted to him. We have fooled around together twice -- twice -- in the last four years, and never did much before that. We have an open, don't ask/don't tell arrangement, which means that all my sex is with other people, which means that I can never have sex that includes intimacy, which means a big part of my life is very unfulfilled. Whenever I do start to feel some sort of intimacy with someone, I feel really guilty about it.

I guess the difference between this AskMe and my previous ones is that while I used to think there was a possibility we could eventually have a sexually fulfilling relationship, I've since realized we never will.

He also very much likes having a routine, likes being a homebody except for going to the theater alot (we live in Manhattan) and going to our favorite restaurant. He isn't big on excitement. Me, I need to shake things up every once in a while. That might sound odd, given that I tend to be pretty anxious, but I do like to expand my comfort zone sometimes, while he doesn't.

There are some days when I obsess about breaking up with him. But when it comes down to it, I just can't seem to do it. We have talked in our couples therapy about breaking up, and I would just miss him terribly -- having him next to me at night, talking with him, being with him. Plus, since I'm a very emotional person and I get stressed out easily, I just can't see how I could handle being alone and missing him. Our relationship has major flaws, but I do feel calmer knowing he is there whenever I get totally anxious about something. I cannot imagine being stressed out and having nobody to turn to, especially because I live in Manhattan, which can be a difficult, isolating place sometimes. Would I move into some small crappy studio by myself somewhere? I don't have very many friends, so I don't have much of a support system. (My partner and I are both in a social organization, so there are friends/acquaintances there, and people do like me, but it's hard sometimes because I worry about what people think of me.)

What if I wind up being single for the rest of my life? What if nobody else comes along? What if someone else does come along but that relationship is majorly flawed as well? What if my punishment for breaking up with my partner is that I never find anyone else again? Because, odd as this sounds, I do feel like I would be punished for it. That I am not allowed to change my situation, that I should be thankful for what I have, that I want too much.

Maybe I could keep him in my life, and we could be best friends?

And... what if I end the relationship and I'm still unhappy?

Now for the job situation: this is another thing entirely. My job is not very stressful and is sometimes decent, and I'm thankful for that, especially in this economy. But it's just a boring paycheck for me and isn't at all meaningful. Worst of all, over the summer, my office moved into a sterile office park in the New Jersey suburbs. Now I go to the office two days a week, which is a 1 hour 40 minute commute each way, and on the other three days I work from home, which feels so isolating and makes me feel like I'm not doing anything. I despair of ever getting out of this situation.

I have never known what I wanted to do with my life. I have seen career counselors, I have read career books -- at times I have been hopeful but I eventually despair. I have wanted to be a writer, a therapist, a journalist, a professor. I went to law school, but I didn't really enjoy being a lawyer. Now my job is related to the law, but it doesn't thrill me either. What I *do* like to do is read nonfiction and learn about things. I love learning and I love writing, but I don't think I have the expertise or ability to write nonfiction, and I have little interest in writing fiction. I am good at writing about myself, but who wants to read about me?

See how hard on myself I am?

I am also very fickle -- I can never be sure that what interests me now will interest me a few months from now. The only constant is history, particularly American history.

I feel hopeless at 35, and if the next 50 years are like the last 10, I don't know what I'm going to do, and I am only getting older. I am stuck, stuck, stuck, and I hate it.

I've created a MeFi account that I can't post from yet, but you can email me there if you want.

Do I need to know what (or who) he did while we were broken up? Is it wrong to ask?

blackcatcuriouser — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 20:37:22 -0800

Do I need to know what (or who) he did while we were broken up? Is it wrong to ask? My ex and I had a mutual, amicable breakup about 7 months ago, after 3 good years together. We've known each other for almost 10 years and have been best friends. We've remained friendly throughout our breakup - still seeing each other on occasion to have dinner or coffee or see a film while maintaining a respectful distance. We've both spent most of this time apart doing our own thing, getting out more and meeting new people. We haven't talked about other people we've been with during our breakup period, although a couple of months ago he did bring it up. I was honest and told him I'd slept with one person but didn't go into any detail. He told me he hadn't slept with anyone. I feel he was being dishonest, and know from a few external sources that he has in fact been involved with a few girls since our breakup - the level of those involvements is uncertain. I didn't press the issue because I didn't feel it was my right to probe any further. It has, after all, been his right to see/sleep with whomever he likes. We've been broken up for months. I decided to leave it at that. I didn't need to know and at that point, preferred not to know.

Lately, however, we've been seeing each other more and have talked about getting back together. This led to things getting physical again. We haven't come to a decision just yet, although it seems we're leaning towards a reunion in the near future. Here's my problem: Now that we're sleeping together again and considering starting over, I'm absolutely DYING of curiosity about his exploits during our time apart. Every day I spend hours fixated on this - who'd he sleep with? Who did he kiss? How many did he sleep with? How many did he kiss? Did he actually like anyone? Did he hook up with that friend-of-a-friend I'd suspected he was spending time with over the summer? It is all-consuming. I need to know. Honestly, what he did (unless it's totally, thoroughly deplorable) won't keep me from wanting to try at working things out with him. It's not about judging him. We've known each other for so long and have known every little thing about each other - until now.

I have no problem telling him about my involvements while we were apart. I'd really like to have an honest conversation about it (barring all the unnecessary nasty details) because it's been a time in my life during which I've learned a lot about myself and relationships. I get the feeling that he'd rather not discuss it at all and feels uncomfortable with the topic - or that he'd rather denydenydeny to spare any negative feelings on my part. But I just want him to be honest. I want us to be honest. I feel I should know if he's slept with anyone else for my own sexual health considerations, but I want to know more than that. I want to know who and when. I want to know who he's just fooled around with. I want to know if he went on any dates. I wouldn't be angry or sad or lash out at him - I just want to know.

How do I bring this up? Should I bring it up? Do I just let the past be the past and move forward with him? How do I address the nagging curiosity?

Too horny. Can't think. Need sex.

Anonymous — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 11:34:22 -0800

I'm a mid-20s British male and I haven't had sex for about three years. Manual Overides are barely taking the edge off these days and the horniess is getting so bad I can't think clearly. Help me get laid. Complications inside. Since the end of my last long-term relationship I haven't had sex, kissed a girl, or been on a date. I was pretty good at being a boyfriend, living together, and all that stuff, and I hope to do it again someday but I'm way out of practice right now. I recognise that there are underlying issues with the three year gap (social isolation, self confidence, and so on) but what I'm asking for today is some help in figuring out a way to get laid so that I can actually think straight, instead of just sitting here feeling my pulse throb and my mind swim with thought-blocking sex chemicals.

I'm hoping mefi can help me think outside the box (and therefore get back inside the box, hee hee), but I realise this is probably a stupid question - sorry. Also, I understand that I'm coming at this backwards and that solving some of my other problems would probably indirectly resolve this one, but just give a pass on that one for now please - I'm working on them.

Anyway, here are the options as far as I can see followed by the issues I have with them. Maybe I'm missing something (please Jesus, let it be so).

---
Option #1 - Get a girlfriend:
A. Living with parents.
B. Broke.
C. Have a hairy back (like, chimp hairy). And I'm a bit overweight too.
D. Socially isolated, lacking confidence, that sort of thing.
E. Not honestly sure I want a full-on girlfriend right now because of A, B and D.

---
Option #2 - Go to a bar/club and pick up a girl:
A. Don't like pick-up bar/club environment. Not really sure what to do there, how to do it, or who to. Feel like a Martian in those places.
B. Not sure how dancing works.
C. Worried about catching a disease.
D. Worried that after such a long drought my performance won't be up to satisfying a girl who picks guys up in bars.
E. Don't understand the etiquette of one-nighters.
F. Don't have a place I could take her to anyway.
G. Terrified.

---
Option #3 - Go internet dating:
A. See Option #1 above.
B. Don't want to put a picture of my face on a profile - someone I know might spot me.
C. Not really sure how the whole thing works.
D. See Option #2 above.
E. Terrified.

---
Option #4 - Use a prostitute:
A. No idea how.
B. Morally confusing.
C. Don't want to catch a disease.
D. Budgetary limitations probably place me in the 'crack whore' market segment.
E. Terrified.
F. Not really into breaking the law. Scared of bad guys and the police.

Okay, so those are the options that I've worked out, none of which seem realistic for me right now. For your info I'm overweight (but quite tall with it), not pretty but (I hope) not ugly either, a 'nice guy', big, bald and perhaps a bit unapproachable, and have some not-crippling but not-insignificant self-esteem issues (as I'm sure you've figured out). I look older than I am too. I keep hoping I'll have some serendipitous magical dreamgirl encounter like in Garden State, Lost In Translation (though, less chaste), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Me and You and Everyone We Know and movies like that, but I'm getting tired of making eyes at pretty bookshop sales assistants.

Disposable email at: M8R-758isl@mailinator.com

Finally, if this looks pretty well organised for someone who claims he can't think - I jerked off earlier (sorry), and this took me about two hours to write.

Possible porn addict looking for options

Anonymous — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 18:25:12 -0800

Am I addicted to pornography? If I am, what can I do? Is there a Porn Addicts Anonymous? This is a question I have wanted to ask for a while but didn't think I could until right about now when, after days of not looking at porn, I had a short online viewing session and felt bad (again!). I am mainly looking to hear from other people who have been in this place and have advice based on their experience, though I am grateful for any input.

My questions are: 1) Am I addicted to pornography, as opposed to just being another horny 20-something? 2) If I am, what can I do? I have seen therapists, and have recently been considering attending a group - but I really don't know where to go, or what I might be getting into.

Number One. Am I an addict? The fact that I even need to ask is, I realise, a big give away, but I am still confused.

I started seeing pornography at an early age and it soon became a significant part of my daily routine. I had unlimited access to the net from my early teens and have regularly found myself, all through school and college, looking at it for one or two hours a day, perhaps more. Those are hours when I had intended to do something else but ended up on the net instead. Partly this is because I was a student with little to do in general. Nowadays, I don’t find myself running off to the toilets at work to wank because I am too busy and barely think about it. But the urge hits me frequently in idle moments, and the kinds of things I want to look at tend to become more and more extreme over time. This worries me enormously and I have frequently had feelings of shame. I have desperately wanted to conceal the amount I looked at porn, and the material I looked at, from everyone I knew.

I saw a therapist, while younger, to help with feelings of inadequacy and urges I was deeply ashamed of. I have struggled to come to terms with the things I have occasionally run into online - some of it illegal, always accidentally stumbled across and swiftly deleted, some of it really distasteful things that I actively pursued. It was all stuff that left me ashamed of being found out and unhappy with who I was. After regular episodes of bottoming out, sometimes alienating others because of my usage, and then swearing off porn forever before slowly getting back into it, I recently took some fairly drastic measures. I went to a family member, admitted my problem, downloaded software that regulated my activities and let them choose the passwords. I use less porn but don’t feel fully accountable because I could, at worst, tell them to fuck off if they tried to confront me and there would not be much in the way of consequences. But it has had a substantial effect on me.

Things are different now to when I used it in the past. I look at vaguely sexy stuff maybe once a fortnight as opposed to hardcore porn once a day. I have a good job that I am proud to do, lots of friends, a girlfriend I love, and basically the kind of life I thought I would be doing well to have when I was younger and less confident. But I can’t shake off the pornography. It still haunts my thoughts at all hours. I feel like a dry drunk, not using but still with the same problems I always had. The bad feelings, in this ‘dry’ period, have certainly diminished but without quite going away.

I don’t know why I have these urges – is it plain old habit, or something much more powerful? – did something traumatic happen to me, or am I simply a normal guy who wants to have sex with lots of different girls and is looking for a release? There are those hours of the day when, in the past, I may have used porn. At these times, sex acts stick in my head on a loop. It is like I am watching them without a computer being there. The extreme stuff often comes to mind and I feel awful all over again. My girlfriend recently revealed that she was into a few of the practices I used to want to hide my interest in. But it wasn’t enough. I am beginning to think that even if I could do the naughtiest things to the hottest girl in the world, it wouldn’t be enough.

If I went into treatment, would I be expected to suppress urges that I think are normal? Like the urge to have sex with my girlfriend? I know it is called Sex Addicts Anonymous for a reason, but would I still need to put my physical relationship with my girlfriend on hiatus and basically give it away to her that I am trying to deal with something? I care about her very much and don't want to diminish our relationship or the sex life that bolsters it.

Number Two: I mentioned I saw a therapist when I was younger. I went back to him when the problem flared up again, responded to his sessions, and was referred to his colleague. I did not feel too great after the one session I had with this guy. Frankly, I felt like I was being both judged and ignored. The previous therapist seemed far better but even if he had the time to see me (he doesn’t) I would have to ask my parents for the money. They are aware of my problem and have always been supportive, but I don’t feel able to deal with it if they are in the mix. I want this to be between me and people who I see when I want to. I am still considering going back to the new guy (it might be too hasty to dismiss him) but the expensive private treatment just doesn’t seem a viable option. I read about an alcoholic’s experience in AA and was struck by his enthusiasm and the level of availability of meetings. They are on at all times, every day, no excuse for not going to one – and it beats the once a week forty five minutes, “I’m sorry but I have to stop you there,” treatment that this psychoanalyst offers. Is there an equivalent anonymous for me? Are meetings as frequent?

At the same time, I don’t want to think of myself as an addict because I wonder whether I am in possession of a bad habit rather than a full blown, soul destroying addiction. I am not doing illegal things or spending every hour of the whole day in front of the computer or keeping twenty girls on the go. I wonder – do I fit in to the sex addict category? Also, and as you can probably guess from the length of this post, I feel better when I express myself at length. I don’t know if sharing in bitty chunks with others is going to help. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.

Practicalities of seeing a group - if you think I should go to a meeting, where can I go? I am based in London. Is there a site where meets are listed?

My work is very high profile and when it comes down to it all I would love to follow my bosses and achieve a strong personal media presence. Will group treatment ruin my prospects?

I am so sorry for the length of this essay and appreciate the chance to vent to you all. Thank you for any and all thoughts.

Throw away email address: addictithink@hotmail.co.uk

When and how to tell my SO I have an STD?

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 08:41:19 -0800

How do I let my boyfriend know I have herpes? When should I tell him? I recently just started a new relationship and I am dealing with genital herpes. I take care of myself and make sure I am clean and take my medication when I feel a breakout coming. I feel I handle it very well. I didn't tell him about it yet because I did not expect to, frankly, fall for him. It's less than 6 months we have been going out also.

What happened is my ex cheated on me and gave me the virus while we were still together. (I only learned of his cheating AFTER we broke up) but at the time I assumed it was from an old girlfriend. It's possible but something inside of me doubts that scenario for he would have infected me sooner rather than as long as we have been together. Anyways, I really respect this new person in my life and we have been intimate and I kinda get the feeling from his conversations that these things worry the shit out of him. I feel horrible. When is it a good time to honestly tell him? I never felt this way for anyone and this is hard for me. Please help.

How to approach my boyfriend about sensitive sex issue (Long and incredibly NSFW)

actuallyiam — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 07:21:11 -0800

I'm trying to figure out a way to approach my boyfriend concerning an issue about our sex life, but I'm having a hard time knowing what to say. For all intents and purposes, we have a fulfilling sex life, however the vast majority of the time he's not able to come inside me. It's been this way for the duration of our 3-year relationship and, though I'm not taking it personally, I'm really beginning to miss a certain level of intimacy that goes along with that particular part of sex. As always, there's... First let me emphasize a couple of things: I am not taking this as a personal affront that there's something gigantically wrong here or that "if he loved me / found me attractive he could come inside me." I also know that this issue predates me and, based on things he's said, has come up in other relationships too. I think I have a pretty good idea what's going on and all I want to do is find a way to address this without making either of us feel bad, or before I lose interest in having sex with him.

I am a very experienced, open-minded woman and don't believe there's only one right way to have sex. I'm happy with lots of different methods and endings, so there's pretty much no position I won't try but eventually it all ends the same way. After I'm satisfied, either I give him a blow job, hand job, or he masturbates while I busy myself doing all sorts of other tickly/licky/nibblly things to participate. Don't get me wrong, I love oral sex and I think watching a guy jack off is one of the hottest things on earth, just not every. single. time.

We we first started having sex, he was able to come inside me some of the time, but it usually took a lot of work (which was totally fine with me), including manually getting him right to the edge before penetration. These days -- and here's the part that's the hardest for me to deal with -- we rarely even try to have actual intercourse. I miss penetrative sex so much that I'm starting to not care if he even comes inside me, if I could just feel him inside me for a little while.

I've been racking my brain for a long time trying to figure out what I can do or say that won't fuck things up. We've never talked about this directly (I don't have the sense he feels anything is missing in our sex life), but I am careful to let him know how much I love having him inside me and let him know I see fireworks when he's, uh, there. We are very, very open about what we do and don't like so I doubt this is a matter of me not being able to find the right button to push to help him come (and, believe me, I've tried damn near everything/.

I know at least some of you will suggest he / we stop with all the hand action, but I have no idea how to even begin to suggest that. If I had to guess, though, I'd say that's the underlying issue here. He takes no medication and rarely drinks so there's no desensitization issues related to that, however since we have sex several times a week, I know there's a lot of opportunity for him to get used to the hand. Add to that, I suspect there's a fair amount of masturbating going on when I'm not around (I don't care, I'm just saying that his man parts probably get one hell of a lot of hand attention over the course of a week. On top of that, he has a high sex drive and was single for a long while before we met. So, yeah, do the math.

What can I do, MeFites? I want penetrative sex added back on the menu and I'd love to have him come inside me once in a while too. I am open to anything at all that would make that happen, but I have no idea how to approach my incredibly sensitive boyfriend about all this.

How does one erase the illusion of love delivered by the media?

loser8008 — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 22:55:24 -0800

How does one erase the illusion of "love" delivered by the media? Ok. So i don't know completely how to explain this and truthfully might just be caught up in the moment and thinking way to much into the whole situation. I am only 21 and young but confused, and just keep finding myself in the same situation over and over.

To start i would say that "love" has ruined so many things in my life the past 6 years. I have never been in love and have no idea what the meaning of the word really means. But i have been depressed and constantly thinking about what i believe to be "love". That someday i shall meet a girl and be soul mates that true love may exist, that love at first site is a possibility. After taking a psychology class opening many of my views and thinking about all the situations i have been in, i hate the fact that "love" has been implemented into my mind to be something of this nature. Where as in other places, people don't necessarily believe in love, believing in things like marriage to be support and bringing together of two families.

Where i am getting at this is that ever since 6 years ago. I first liked a girl i couldn't have. She had a boyfriend and i waited day by day till they finally broke up which i figured/hoped would happen. Ended up wasting a good year and a half for nothing as i messed up in a way and was never given a chance. About 2-3 years later i feel in the same situation with a girl i worked with, wasted a lot of time limiting myself to wanting to be with her. I still think of her to this day, but realize that the reason i never got a chance was primarily because we both weren't ready to be in a relationship. I still think of her and see that she is in a way immature and insecure and i slowly have stopped to care. Now along comes another girl, haven't none her for long and probably getting carried away. But again i have become obsessed with the current situation and don't want to waste more time limiting myself to the same situation.

Part of me thinks that maybe it is the interaction with the opposite sex that causes me to obsess in a way (not that i don't interact with other girls, it's just i never seem to interact with other women that i particularly find attractive and have interest in) . But as i read past entries of a journal i created and never really kept up with, i realize that the thought of "love" and hope that i hear in every song, in every movie, all over the internet, and on TV. is truly what keeps making me depressed in this horrible state of mind. It gets to the point that i feel that i have an alternate reality in my head of the person and life that i wish to be/have, and with every encounter and mistake i make in reality between women i find that i may never become the person i wish i could be and want to be be in my head

I just wonder how to get to stop caring, worrying, and hoping of this illusion of love. and just move on with life instead of obsessing and becoming desperate over different situations.

the DDD's of Love

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 07:19:56 -0800

Is there such a thing as a dating site for ONLY big breasted women? I think at this point, I know what it is, really, that I want in a woman. I want good conversation. I want a darker sense of humor. And I want someone who can be ready to leave the house in 10 minutes flat.

And physically, what I'm attracted to, for whatever reason, are really large natural breasts. And no amount of searching for specific body types has helped me find these women on traditional dating sites

So my question is: do LEGIT specific sites exist that cater to women with big breasts and the men who want to date them?

Monogamist mind, polygamist loins.

the NATURAL — Wed, 13 May 2009 02:59:42 -0800

SexFilter/LoveFilter: I love her, so why can't I think only of her? I love my girlfriend dearly, and I suspect that she is not only the best match for me, but will be the best match for me in the future. (ignoring extenuating details, like her brother, etc.)

So why can't I only think about her? Why do I check out other girls? Does this have anything to do with the fact that I'm 21? (And, I guess, relatively horny and open-minded when it comes to age and ethnicity.)

Does my problem mean that we shouldn't be together? (Mind you, I could never bring myself to truly betray her and cheat on her.)

Full disclosure?

Anonymous — Mon, 11 May 2009 18:15:05 -0800

Asking for a friend… Should he tell his girlfriend about his cyber fling? I have a friend who has been dating this girl for a long time, several years. They seem pretty happy but my friend confided that they do not have sex often and he is frustrated. Apparently it happens about once every six months or something. He tries to initiate but gets shot down. (He said she doesn’t have body hangups or anything . It’s just a mental roadblock).

He met a girl online and started chatting. I guess things got sexual and he broke it off a few weeks later. They never met in person but did talk on the phone. He broke it off because he really does love his girlfriend and wants to improve their relationship. He wants to know if he should tell his girlfriend about this and if so, how? His main priority is the relationship so advice to dump her is not really helpful in this situation. Also except for this he is a decent guy and has never done anything like this before.

How do I make things work with my wife while we're working through our issues?

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 18:05:40 -0800

My wife and i are working through some difficult issues. We love each other dearly, but we're no longer physically intimate. Neither one of us is willing to give up on our relationship. How do I make things work while we're trying to make things work? So to make a very long story short, my wife and I have been married 6 years, together over 10. Shortly before we got married our sex life started to head south and over the years deteriorated into sex once every couple months (if that). She's terribly uncomfortable with the idea of being physically intimate. After much arguing and a near divorce I convinced her to go to couple's therapy.

The good news is that we've learned so much about our relationship and love for each other. The process is far from easy, but its worth it. More often than not the therapy reinforces the positives of our relationship. However we still have a long way to go and the physical aspect of our relationship has yet to return.

So here's my question - aside from masturbation and having some good friends to complain to every now and again, what can I do to make life easier for myself and my wife as we're working things out?

(side note: please don't bother telling me to leave her or get a girlfriend on the side. i'm not interested in either of those options, so save your breath)

too tired for WHAT!?

Anonymous — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 07:31:15 -0800

my fiancee and I have been going through a rough patch. I have no one else to turn to about this, so I'm here. I'm in my mid-20s and am studying and holding a job. they're both very taxing. I'm barely coping, but I think I've been handling things ok. my grades are not too bad and my work's going pretty fine too. but it takes a lot out of me. I have no time for myself at all.

and this year, I haven't been having time for my fiancee as well. I feel really bad about this. she's studying and is very busy throughout the week. her only free days are weekends. but my weekends are full too.

we hardly meet. but sometimes, she comes and stays over at my place. and we spend the night and leave the house together the next morning and all.

problem is, I'm always worried about school and work or I'm too tired to have sex. and this makes her feel like like she's losing me.

I think it's ridiculous. I love her to death. and I show it. but when I reject her, no amount of reassuring, consoling, loving and kissing and sweet words will pacify her. all hell breaks loose. it's very dramatic. it's like a scene out of Moonstruck. but worse. there are curse words flying about and there are tears. I end up weeping like a little girl too.

now, I don't mean we never have sex. we do. we have great sex. but I must admit, I give excuses most of the time. coz frankly all I want to do is cuddle up with her those times and sleep. but this really upsets her.

I even went through a phase blaming myself for not being able to satisfy her. I thought there's something wrong with me. but it's not that I don't get horny. I sit in lectures and all I can think of is her. a million naughty thoughts go through my head. I immediately text her and let her know. we exchange more than a few naughty text messages and everything looks good.

but these fights take a lot out of us. we're both physically and emotionally tired. I feel especially frustrated coz she's worrying unnecessarily. her fears are unfounded.

I love this woman. I need her. how can I convince her that she's not losing me? that nothing's changed! that I'm just the same old guy she fell in love with?

or what can I do to stop being tired? I want to please her and make her happy. how can I make her feel wanted?

she's not losing me. the notion itself is ridiculous to me. yes, we hardly meet - I understand her frustrations - but I'm at my wits' end. I'm earning just enough to support myself and my mother. I have little savings. I'm working freelance and I'm earning my degree. I've got lots of expectations I have to fulfill. there's a lot on my plate.

or am I just giving excuses? is my situation abnormal? are guys really always up for sex? is there really something wrong with me then?

I don't know...somebody help me, please? thanks so much!

Love After Sex

symbollocks — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 08:19:39 -0800

So what's next after sex in a relationship? We've been going out for a few months now and just this last weekend had sex for the first time. Up until now we had that milestone to guide our relationship, but now I feel a little lost. Like we were in a tunnel, walking towards the opening at one end, and now we've reached the outside and there's no longer one point that we are advancing towards. It's a little bit scary, to say the least. Wonderful, but scary. Neither of us has ever been in a long term relationship before, so we're both a little unsure about what to do now, where to go from here...

Just looking for general advice mainly. We're both big readers, so book recommendations would be welcome as well.

Is it normal to maintain multiple casual relationships year after year?

Macallister Vagabond — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 08:42:22 -0800

I am looking for opinions on my lifestyle of multiple casual relationships.. Is it healthy to be inherently against a committed relationship because you enjoy the company of new people quite frequently? A brief overview of my lifestyle:

I'm 26 years old. I have had three committed relationships in the past; the latest of which ended because I was not prepared for the type of commitment she was looking for. OK, it happens.

Now, for the past two years or so I have fallen into a pattern of meeting people, spending time getting to know them, becoming intimate, and then moving on. It has always been cordial. In other words, these said new people know it is casual and hearts have been spared. There are never any secrets. These relationships usually take place concurrently.

These relationships usually sort of fade out but I always remain friendly with just about everyone I come across. They are virtually carefree; I've never been in a fight of jealousy or anger with any of my friends.

I have no trouble meeting women; I'm decent enough looking and personable. I always have plenty to talk about so the majority of my dates turn out fantastic.

I am extremely happy. I'm independent, I have a good job, and I take good care of myself.

I'm curious to hear if this sort of a thing is healthy. I know it's not entirely normal - I'm basically obsessed with meeting new people of different backgrounds. I like to hear everyone's story. The idea of settling down with someone and losing the privilege to live as I see fit just plain sucks (Come on, you can't continue meeting too many new people when you settle down - jealousy, envy, anger are like gravity here)

The gray area I'm looking for opinions on is with respect to intimacy - Is it unhealthy to continue on this way? Shouldn't I be looking to settle down with someone? Why do I lose interest so quickly? Is this lifestyle the key to my current happiness? Was I constructed without the love bone?

I'm not looking for the magic bullet answer here, I'm more interested in an involved discussion or personal anecdotes. Thanks for reading.

Making Out, Leveling Up

Anonymous — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 09:13:33 -0800

When it comes to the hot-'n'-heavy, which is better: going too far and being told "no," or stopping short? Suppose I am dating a girl. (Which I'm not at the moment.) God willing, at some point we start making out: kissing, touching, whatever.

Which is a wiser course of action:

1) Push the envelope until I'm told "no," at which point I back off like the gentleman I am.
2) Stop short of what I guess her limit is.

As a neurotic twerp, I've always been obsessed with how my actions influence others' perception of me. I've feared pushing the envelope because I feel too aggressive. OTOH, I've feared stopping short because I feel too passive or that I'm bailing out. MeFi ladies: what does "no" mean to you? What does it mean if you don't have to say it?

Amazing relationship, no sex

Anonymous — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 21:33:53 -0800

I love my SO but I'm no longer attracted to him. I've been with my boyfriend 3 1/2 years, and we are both in our late twenties. He is intelligent, gentle and creative, and even after years together I still find myself thinking of him throughout the day, and looking forward to seeing him when I finish work. He is a remarkable person and I cannot imagine my life without him. We don't live together, but he has moved into my part of the city, so we see each other several times a week.

Over the last maybe eight months however, I have felt less and less like sex, which I originally attributed to various changes in my life - I haven't been stressed out, but I have been busier than ever before with my (new) day job and my own artistic pursuits. Being the wonderful man that he is, my boyfriend has accepted this, and we have continued to be happy together.

Unfortunately, I've slowly started to realise that my libido hasn't really changed that much - I still experience attraction to other people, still have sexual thoughts, and still masturbate about as often as I used to. The problem is that I no longer want to sleep with my boyfriend - when I look at him the love I feel is stronger than ever, but any sexual feelings are completely gone.

We had the usual whirlwind of being sex-mad when we first started seeing each other, before settling into something less intense but still very satisfying, so I know that at one point I was absolutely crazy for him in that sense. My last relationship lasted nearly 5 years but hit a similar decline at about the 3 year mark, and realising the pattern I have tried to be more adventurous in bed in order to avoid the heartache this same problem caused the first time around. I've cast the net pretty wide with the things I've tried to introduce, but I just can't seem to get the feeling back. Part of the reason my previous relationship went on so long after the sex was dead was because I thought it was a phase, and stayed expecting things to turn around, which they didn't.

To be honest, I have been tempted to cheat on him - I miss sex and part of me feels like I should be having lots of it. But I think about how much it would hurt him if he knew I even thought about doing something like that, and I know I couldn't live with myself afterwards. But how will I feel a few years down the line? The thought frightens me.
I've thought about breaking up with him too, but as much as this situation sucks for me, life without him would be so much worse. It seems so stupid to ruin an amazing relationship over sex. He is still the (both inwardly and outwardly) beautiful man I fell in love with, and while he has been nothing but supportive, I know that our diminshed sex life has been difficult for him too. This has become more and more of a big deal for me as the months have gone by, and I'm tired of feeling guilty, frustrated, deceitful.

This is not a problem I can discuss with him, so I'm hoping some wise Mefis will be able to give me some insight. Can I get that feeling back? Is there some way I can approach thinking about this that makes it easier for me to live with? How have other people dealt with this problem?

How do I date, now that I'm sober?

Anonymous — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 19:19:12 -0800

Now that I'm sober ... how the heck do I go about dating? I'm male, late 20s, and sober for the first time in my adult life. It's been 6 months since I've had a drink. I feel amazing. I love my new lifestyle, and I think that I'm unlikely to fall off the wagon. I've been to AA a few times, but I'm not sure that it's for me. Honestly, going to the gym every day feels much more therapeutic.

Anyway ... in my past life, I had no problem with dating at all. I was smooth, confident, and I met a lot of people. Now I'm more of a homebody and MUCH less likely to make the first move. I've done some internet dating. That's nice because I get to click "I don't drink at all" on my profiles, and people usually know what they're getting into. Searching for women that don't drink at all doesn't usually turn up too many people in my small community.

Also, Dates themselves are just less exciting. There's no more bouncing from bar to bar and then twirling around in the street. That's the kind of excitement that I miss, and the kind of excitement that I feel like I owe to a potential partner. It's also sometimes hard for me to talk about my situation, and I worry that I'm often viewed as a bad gamble.

I've been ok with being at the bar with my friends, and seeing music, etc. In fact, I went on several great dates recently where we sat at the bar, watched baseball, and drank ginger ale. I don't even think about the booze being thrown around in front of me. Seriously, I don't even want it. I just want to feel like dating is normal again! It used to be so easy to "meet for drinks." Now trying to figure out what to do is so much weirder.

So I don't know how and where to meet people that will be sympathetic to my situation (except for the internet, which I haven't quite given up on yet). I also just don't feel "normal" on dates. Also ... sex, which used to come very naturally, is now terrifying.

I've never really had sex with someone new while not under the influence. It used to be easy for me to say, "hey, want to come over?" Now I stumble around and don't know what to do. Also, it's not quite as exciting. It's harder to lose myself while intimate, etc, etc.

Overall, I'm very hopeful about my situation. I feel so much more in control of my life, and I know that I'm doing the right thing. I have no doubt that I'll find my way through this, and I think that once I do finally connect with someone that it'll be MUCH more genuine than if I were still a drunk. I'm just having some growing pains getting there.

I'm mostly interested in hearing dating stories from people who have become sober, and have first-hand experience with this.

How do you maintain sobriety and feel normal about dating?

If you want to respond anonymously, or ask me any follow-up questions you can use: nodrinksforme@gmail.com.

How to deal with someone so direct?

InterestedInKnowing — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 19:49:05 -0800

How do I deal with someone so verbal about his needs? I would like to know how to deal better with a person who is very verbal with his needs. My boyfriend is so communicative with his needs that he goes a bit beyond, I feel, and reminds me when he is not happy with the intimacy. Like, every month to 3 months he will say something if he feels there have been two weeks of blah effort. Lately it's been every week he has something to say even though most of the week we have a good time, I think, at least the vibe I get from him. He knows I have depression and OCD but granted I don't want to use it as an excuse to not put more effort but I do want to know how to deal with a person who will spell out bluntly what he wants and how he feels. Note: He does have consideration and always asks me what I feel but he will try or suggest what I can do to help. I don't know. It seems like his requests for more love is demanding and not in a rude way but in the way that if the vibe doesn't flow for a week, or if I am not excited to have sex more than twice a week, he feels unloved and then has to say something about it. I am having a hard time dealing with someone who insist on being so verbal consistently. Is there anything I can say to make him relax?

Are good conversations a necessity for a good relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 16:06:54 -0800

I was a late bloomer. I was painfully shy and didn't date until I was 24. I'm at a turning point of the longest relationship I've had (almost a year). I don't know if I'm in love or not. Or if that's even the right question. We dated for 6 months. She was the sweetest, most understanding, genuinely wonderful person I've been with. But our conversations never really went very far. We didn't make each other laugh. I think our brains just worked differently.

Another rough spot for us was sex. I had slept with a two people before I met her, and neither were serious relationships. I was irrationally afraid of having sex with someone I really cared about, and so we never got that physically intimate.

We broke up. I started it, but she also felt things weren't quite working. She suggested we could still be friends-with-benefits for awhile. She dated other people, but nothing stuck. We slowly continued our supposedly non-relationship. We started having sex. My feelings for her grew. Over the next 6 months, each time I saw her, she seemed prettier. I missed her when she wasn't around. I was insanely jealous when she dated other people. While our conversations didn't become much more interesting and we didn't magically start making each other laugh... I found myself wondering if those things were really important. I liked just being around her. Did I really need someone who could overthink a plate of beans like I did?

The more I've grown attached to her, the harder it becomes for me to answer that question. I go back and forth wondering if talking and joking is a means to an end (emotional closeness, which seems to be happening) or something that's intrinsically necessary for a long-term relationship, or even just a sign of two people who are right for each other. Am I right to be stuck on this? Or am I just using it as an excuse because I'm afraid of intimacy? Or am I being unrealistic about what relationships are?

She recently suggested only one-quarter-jokingly that we might be able to get back together. It's hard to say that we're not together already. In any case, I know we can't keep on pretending to have it both ways.

I can see answers coming that say "if you can't decide, she deserves someone who can". That may be true, but it doesn't help me. I'm truly torn up about this. So, I look to you guys for advice. Thanks, Mefi.

how do i dump the woman i slept with last night?

zingzangzung — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 17:36:21 -0800

how do i dump the woman i slept with last night? I met a woman, she seemed quite nice, and after three dates, we slept together. I didn't enjoy it. A combination of physical and behavioural factors really put me off her, and I'd rather not see her again. How do I tell her this without being a total bastard.
We are both in our forties, met online, have a lot in common, laughed a lot, and discussed the problems of relationships and sex a bit before taking the plunge. This wasn't about love we agreed, just two people who were kind of attracted, seeing if we could get along.
But after last night, I know I can't do this. I think I should tell her asap, so she and I can move on, but how can I do this without making her feel bad. Other than 'sex with you made me feel icky' what can I say?
She fell asleep immediately after the act last night and we didn't have time for any talk this morning before she left, but I think she knew I was a bit uncomfortable.

i feel like a teenager :\

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 18:37:48 -0800

If I know I wont be happy with him in the long term, why is it so hard to break up with him now? 28 year old female, been with my boyfriend for just over two years. he's cute, smart, creative and funny. i love the good times with him - cuddling and watching movies and being silly. i guess you could say on a small scale, he's great. on a larger scale, we totally dont match up in several areas i understand to be "key" to a lasting relationship, mostly surrounding the ideas of stability, support and growth.

having a certain (not insane) level of stability is really, really important to me. i had a strange childhood and have problems now with anxiety. he's comfortable wherever and doesnt understand why i "worry" all the time. money is not important to him at all - he's a musician and an artist and works menial jobs. support is important to me in that i want a relationship with someone who feels like my (sexy) tag-team partner. i will always have their back and i want to feel like they've got mine too. there have been at least 3 cases in our relationship where ive felt like i got no support from him when i desperately needed it. when i was upset that i wasnt getting the support, he didnt understand at all. in terms of growth, love love LOVE my super awesome job and work very hard at it. im very involved socially and professionally and see it going somewhere. i want to maybe start putting money away for important things soon and get a better place to live. i dont have his support in this, financially or emotionally. we never talk about my job, except that he thinks that i work too much. its just not important to him and he doesnt understand having a job that you love.

on all these cases, i dont want to force him to do anything, much less fake caring about something. im not his mom, and im not a demanding bitchy girlfriend. i feel like supporting me and understanding what i need should come from the heart, not me directing him how, when and why to do something.

so, it comes to us talking about breaking up. he is unhappy because im too dedicated to my job (that's not going to change), we dont have sex enough (i think we do...) and he just feels me being distant. i have gotten distant. i've told him that i just dont think we have a future together. it all makes sense that we should break up, because as i feel in my head but cant express to him, every day that i'm with him means im not meeting the guy who will fulfill all these desires.

so why is this so hard? its breaking my heart to think of not being with him cuddling at night or just hanging out. i feel like i cant get any hold on my emotions or express myself logically to him, and its not only making this harder for me, its making it way harder for him.

Mysterious new relationship sadness and uncertainty

Anonymous — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 17:26:12 -0800

I'm having trouble understanding and dealing with a sudden wave of sadness which came over me while leaving a new romantic partner's house. (Overly long relationshipfilter details follow.) I have been seeing X (who is a woman, I'm a man, we're in our early 30s) on and off for a month and a half or so, and overall things have been going well. We've spent a lot of time with each other, and have talked in great detail about our lives and past relationships, and had lots of good sex. But a few days ago when I was leaving her house I was suddenly struck by an overwhelming feeling of sadness, and ever since then I've been feeling really depressed and obsessing about our relationship. I need help understanding where the feeling comes from and getting some perspective on the relationship.

I've heard of people getting sad after sex, but it's never really happened to me before. The thing that is most puzzling to me is that I can't tell what the cause of the sadness is. I definitely feel that it's about X, but I can't tell what the actual cause of it is. I almost feel as if I'm mourning the loss of her before we've actually broken up. Directly before that we'd been talking about her past sexual experiences and my previous long-term relationship.

As a little background, we've been seeing each other a lot but we haven't really had the talk about whether we're dating other people and if we want to be monogamous. I feel like we're going to need to have the talk pretty soon for my own comfort, but I've been a little put off because I'm having a hard time reading her and what her romantic feelings towards me are. I've occasionally felt that when I've made overtures to her that hinted at deeper feelings, she didn't quite reciprocate. She does seem to enjoy hanging out with me, but in moments of doubt I wonder if it's a sexual thing. And I always seem to be the one who initiates contact with her.

X is extremely independent, and that's something that really attracts me to her and also something I value highly in myself. It really bothers me that my own emotional state suddenly seems to be so affected by her in such a negative way - it makes me feel vulnerable and needy. My last relationship was kind of unhealthy that way and I hoped I had outgrown that.

So here are the things I need help with:

1. How can I get a gauge on her feelings towards me without seeming clingy or desperate? In particular, I'm worried that if I bring up the whole monogamy / relationship talk at this point, I'll be rushing things.

2. How can I disengage a little and not be so worried about (1)? I need some practical techniques to obsess over her and the whole situation less, or at least to become more at ease with things being sort of up in the air right now.

3. The sadness I was talking about is still with me several days later and I'm having trouble understanding what its source is and getting over it. Right now I can't really talk to my good friends who I'd ordinarily consult about this (logistical reasons) and I would appreciate any advice about it.

(Private advice is also welcome at omne.animal.triste.est at gmail.)

Logistics?

Anonymous — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 09:27:43 -0800

SexEd-filter: Need some physical advice to help out a great relationship otherwise... My new girlfriend and I are hitting it off on many levels - intellectual, emotional, "same point in life", etc... We're also ( as far as I know and from what she tells me....) doing ok on the sexual aspect thus far. Here's where it gets a little weird in terms of mechanics:

She's quite a bit heavier than I am physically, and I'm not as well endowed ( 5.5" long if it matters ). Right now we're still in the missionary and related positions, and I love cunnilingus so that's always on board. Previous experience leaves me wondering though.

My question is: What other positions and techniques or maneuvers are there that will allow me to spice up our sex life should this relationship continue on into the long term?

As an example: doggy-style does not work for both of us. The stimulation is there for me, but unfortunately not for her. ( Yes, I could finish and then finish her, but that gets sort of old. Per my ex-gf ).

I know I might be putting the cart before the horse here, but still - I'm crazy about this woman. I've tried finding porn to help out, but truth be told, it all seems exploitative regarding the women and never seems to focus on satisfying them. ( even with the more endowed males ).

Help!

Summer of Love, Autumn of Love? Never of Love?

curagea — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 21:33:39 -0800

Love, intimacy, sexual frustration, distance, inaction... help me deal with the complexities of it all. Bear with me, this will be long.

I met him a full three months ago, and two days later we were cuddling up, tickling toes, and bonding over Rock Band (oh yes, we are such geeks ^_^). He is sweet and quirky, matching up with my quirkiness, and I never had any trouble being ME around him (complicated subject, but I'll save it for another day). We sneak pokes, hugs and cheek nuzzles - all those lovely things. It just clicked. It just did.

As this is the first man who ever returned my feelings, I was completely overwhelmed with this affection. Dreamed about him (strange dreams they were), thought about him, can't stop thinking about how warm he is when he holds me or kisses me... all those things are so new to me. I grew up in a family that was (and is) less than loving, and was anti-social for the most part, so I never really had much interpersonal contact with people, much less physical. So when he came along and showed me love, it hit me like a flood. In fact, I cried for a couple of nights after that first night of cuddling because I was so overwhelmed I couldn't hold my emotions in. Yeah, I became obsessed with him, thinking in a fantastical way.

Alas, all good things must end, or at least become problematic.

He is moving back to Sacramento; I still have a year left in Berkeley. Some weeks ago, he told me this: "I don't want you to think that I'm looking for a serious relationship, because I'm going to be moving away, and it's highly unlikely I'll be here in the fall." Since then, I haven't been able to sleep well, thinking too much about the inevitable (having an overactive imagination doesn't help in this case) and feeling less than energetic during daytime. I blamed myself for setting up my fantasies as though they were realities, and lying to myself about the reality of it all. And worse, there still persists a feeling that not everything has been told, that there is still more to discover and understand, and if we broke bonds because of naive misunderstanding... I can't really tolerate brokens bonds through misunderstanding.

To make matters worse, since the last time we made out, my sex drive had flared up and stayed up. I confess: there were many times I wanted to just grab him and tear off his pants. But I kept these desires to myself and tried to suppress them, because to force someone into that kind of situation is against my morals and perhaps his. We never slept together, by the way.

To make matters even worse, I've become quite clingy to him. I stayed nights at his place often, telling him that my room is boring (it is, compared to his place), but really I just wanted to be with him for a little longer. Everytime I hug him, I have to tear myself away to go home. My rational mind keeps telling me that such behavior is childish and selfish, though he never said anything against my clingy actions.

To this day, we still are poking each other and giving surprise kisses. He never said those three words, but I can read it in his body language - I never said them because of a belief that the guy should say it first (don't ask). But when I think of that day he will move back to Sacramento, and my chances of seeing him going sharply downhill (too used to just walking five minutes to his place for a movie and/or Rock Band), it tears me up. The general advice I've heard is "don't worry, you'll find someone who can be with you", "hey, shit happens. Don't think about it too much", etc. But CAN it work out? CAN he and I work something out? Is it possible?

Help a love-newbie, HiveMind. DTMFA or work it out, or something else? And how the hell do I suppress my sexual urges and stop being so clingy when he's an inch away from me, or no inches at all?

Love: what do women want?

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 09:13:46 -0800

Can somebody (especially women) point me to images in film, text, or other media of the kind of lover that women would think of as loving, appreciative, and understanding, as well as manly and attractive, or comment on my situation in ways that would help me understand how to be a better lover to my beloved wife? At the age of 65, in a faithful 22 year marriage, I am starting to feel my age. I have always been physically and sexually active, and have felt pride and a sense of manly self-worth in my ability to love, build, create, remodel, and provide financial and emotional support, which I often accomplished creatively but while stubbornly clinging to risk-taking ways. (read:"doing it my own way") In my mind, this has demonstrated a manly disregard for my comfort and safety, which I have always regarded as brave and heroic, and has made me feel more powerful and attractive to women. Unfortunately, my bold tendencies combined with getting less strong and well-coordinated as I get older, have resulted in my having 4 construction-related accidents needing surgical repair under general anesthesia within the last year. Three of the four involved falls: two from ladders, and the last, a nearly-fatal narrow miss, a skull-cracking fall from a ledge.

I have been listening to my wife lately and may finally be getting a little bit smarter. She tells me that my feeling myself to be more heroic and attractive to women (read:"her") based on my risk-taking accomplishments (read:"denying that I am getting older") is self-absorbed, testosterone-poisoned, male stereotypical thinking based on popular culture, thumbing my nose at my over-controlling and deceased parents, and too many James Bond movies and other "Guy" media. She says she would feel like I was really capable of loving her if I was more loving, appreciative, and understanding of her. This would necessitate curtailing my risky habits, which she now finds terrifying. Like many men I have known, I am nearly totally clueless to relate to what she is saying.

I was raised in a family that was pretty strange, and have had few models and little experience that challenged my ways of thinking about how men act to become self-respecting. attractive lovers to women. Can somebody (especially women) please point me to images in film, text, or other media of the kind of lover that women would think of as loving, appreciative, and understanding, as well as manly and attractive? Or comment in ways that would help me understand how to be a better lover to my beloved wife?