Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and libido

Loss of libido with Levlen/Levora?

roxie110 — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 13:32:13 -0800

Has anyone taking the birth control pill Levora/Levlen had a loss of libido? I've been taking this pill for a year now, and (along with some weight gain that kicked in about 6 months later, yuck) I've noticed a pretty steep drop in my libido.

This is the first time I've ever been on the pill, and I'm trying to figure out whether this may be related to the pill itself, or whether I'm just not that attracted to my boyfriend anymore (it's been 6 years)!

Any info or advice would be welcome.

I was so horny it made me sad.

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 07:38:03 -0800

Depressionfilter: Help me understand a sudden increase in libido and its emotional aftermath. Context: Male, British, 26, straight, depressed (but not too badly, but then again maybe terribly).

I've been single for over three years. No sex, no kissing, nothing. No attempts made to be otherwise. No approaches from any women. Until recently, this hasn't been a problem. My sex drive has been easily managed, and my loneliness has been kept in check by my depressive thinking (women are beautiful magical wonderful creatures, but they'll never want you, ever, because you're awful, so go read a book or just die or something). This was all fine and well, or at least bearable, until a few weeks ago.

Then, out of nowhere, my sex drive exploded. It was like when you hear about a transgender person first being given testosterone - throbbing pulse, mind flooded with pornographic visuals, sexual desire like I've never felt before. Everything made me think of sex. I practically wanted to chase after women and start humping their legs in the street. It was absolutely horrendous. I could barely think. This lasted for about two weeks then finally abated.

Since then my sex drive has still been higher than it was before, but it's no longer driving me crazy. And, heartbreakingly, my perception of women (and myself) has changed slightly. Instead of seeing myself as fundamentally broken, awful, and disgusting, I've been thinking that, hey, I have a lot of good qualities and there must be a girl out there who'd think I'm okay. And instead of seeing desirable women as something completely alien, like a unicorn, I'm seeing them as real people who might, just might, maybe, one day, be interested in me. This is a big shift, and I suppose it's a good thing, but it brings into sharper focus how lonely I am and how much I crave sexual release, intimacy, and companionship. (Although, clearly, I'm not in the right place for a long-term-serious-relationship, and nor do I want one.) It's as if almost overnight I switched from being one of those sad, lonely guys to being one of those sad, desperate guys. And it hurts.

So I have two questions for you. One, what actually happened here? Two, what should I do next?

[And a few specifics about the depression: I think I've been suffering from a long-term non-crippling depression. I am functional, but self-esteem is an issue. I saw my GP a few months ago and he suggested computerised CBT, which I've singularly failed to engage with. I'm thinking of going back to see him soon.]

Disposable email at nonboinker3000000000@googlemail.com

[I asked this [http://ask.metafilter.com/134559/Too-horny-Cant-think-Need-sex] question previously, when I was in the grip of mind-warping hornyness. I'm quite ashamed of it now. I think this new question is more honest, but to me writing always feels like a kind of lying.]

Thank you.

Falling in love, with caveats.

Anonymous — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:31:29 -0800

Falling in love pretty quickly. First time for a lot of things. Some issues are coming up. I'm mid 30s, male. About 5 weeks ago, I met a really lovely girl online. We've both done a lot of online dating and both are pretty sick of it. Things progressed quickly and many things are really wonderful.

Namely:
Awesome sense of humor overlap
Pretty low stress and high fun percentages
We're able to communicate openly serious stuff
We both find each other really attractive
Conversation is easy
We're both insanely affectionate people and whenever we're together, which is often, we're always touching

Basically in almost every sense I'm smitten with her.

But of course, there is the sex.

She's on anti-depressants which she says limits her libido. I'm kind of a horn-dog. But the thing is, there isn't a total lack of sex by any means. The first few times were really not so amazing, but it's been getting better little by little, to the point where it's bordering on pretty good. She's not prudish or hesitant about things once they get rolling.

But she rarely initiates things. I told her that I really don't want her to push herself into doing things that she doesn't want to do, and that I want to give her time to figure out herself in relation to the medications. But there is a hesitancy about what happens between us that frightens me a bit. On the bright side of things, sex between us is getting better and I think she's enjoying it more. On the dark side of things, it's still not something that I think she's super interested in, and I worry that after this honeymoon period is over, she might be even less interested, and at that point I might have even more intense feelings for her that would make it even more hard to make a decision about this.

The other hard factor to take into account is that neither of us have been in long term relationships very much. I'm not sure if my crazy desire would stand up in a long term relationship, and maybe I'd be happy with less. And I'm not sure that she wouldn't maybe get interested in sex more in a loving situation where she felt comfortable with someone. From knowing her a little bit, I think that may be quite possible but I'm not sure.

Basically I'm falling in love with this person, and I'm excited by her. Things are better between us than in any relationship I've ever been in, and I think she feels the same. But I'm terrified of being in a sexless, more or less friendship kind of marriage. I definitely want to give this more time, maybe a lot more, to figure out how things settle. We've talked this over quite a bit and I think she's very interested in having us both feel comfortable sexually and otherwise. As I understand it, before the meds, her libido was quite a bit stronger, but it's never been crazy strong.

My basic question is: My instinct is that this could be a really great thing, and I want to give it my all and hope that through communication and time, we'll figure out what works between us (because things are on the border of being ok already and we haven't really known each other that long). But I also wonder if I'm not setting us up for heart break down the line by letting my feelings progress while I feel there is this barrier between us.

I know this is overthinking, seriously. I know that. But it's on my mind a lot and I'm not sure how to think about it. I'd be happy to hear everyone say "things are ok, you haven't known her for very long, if they are improving keep communicating and hope for the best".

To fend off some clarifying questions:
Welbutrin is not an option. Other med changes might be. She might be interested in stopping the meds at some point, but she says they have helped her a lot to deal with some low-level depression and I don't really want to mess with that.

When should I disclose my low sex drive to a potential partner?

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 06:19:08 -0800

I have a low sex drive. When should I bring it up with someone I am dating? For the first time in almost 3 years, I have felt attracted to someone. This is rare for me. I’m a heterosexual woman in my early 30s. I have never felt strong sexual attraction. The first time I had sex I was in my mid-20s.

My low sex drive greatly affected my last relationship. I found intercourse painful and didn’t even like the feeling of oral sex. My partner used to say he would “do anything” for me and when I said I wanted to watch TV and cuddle, he would get upset. I’ve been single for almost 3 years and I rarely think about sex except to worry about it.

I am very fearful of being expected to have sex with someone. I do enjoy the emotional closeness from sex, but I don’t need sex very often. When starting a sexual relationship, the other person expects the sex will continue into the relationship. Sometimes, I don’t want to have sex for months at a time. I’m not trying to hurt my partner, but I just have no desire.

I also have trouble handling someone being upset with me for saying, “no” to sex. My last boyfriend used to pout and I would instantly feel completely unloved – as though I was only good for sex and he didn’t love me unless I had sex with him. We once went on vacation in a militaristic country, where I wouldn’t have felt safe alone. He made it clear that if I didn’t have sex with him, that he would just leave me there by myself, so I consented and just covered my face, cringed and said “ow” a lot until it was over. Now, not only do I have a low sex drive, but I’m terrified of what a potential partner will do if I refuse to have sex.

So… hive mind, when do you think I should tell this new person that I am not interested in sex? I think I could handle once a week at the very most, but would highly prefer every other week. As an alternative, should I start looking for older men? How old were you when your interest in sex declined? Finally, does my ex’s behavior regarding sex sound normal? Should I expect that type of behavior from most men?

Sublimation—does it work?

Busoni — Sun, 10 May 2009 11:17:02 -0800

Is the theory of sublimation—the idea of channeling sexual energy into creative or physical output—still considered valid? Is there evidence that it "works"? I was reading a biography of Leonardo da Vinci, written fairly recently, as I recall, by a surgeon and science writer (Sherwin Nuland). In it, he states somewhat matter-of-factly the likelihood of Leonardo having channeled his homosexual desires into his art, such that expressions of his libido were nonexistent. This is paraphrasing, but that was the essential message. Now, I'm not an expert in psychology, but I thought such reliance on Freudian terms was odd. But since it was from an actual medical doctor, not a literature professor (which would have been less surprising), I began to wonder if there was something to it.

So, my question: is there evidence that this concept of sublimation is valid? Can a person make better art and be more productive by curtailing sexual activity? And conversely, can a person diminish or eliminate sexual desire by committing himself to his art or profession? I'll take personal anecdotes as well as second-hand ones.

Late 20's, sudden drop in libido

Anonymous — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 08:32:28 -0800

I'm a healthy 27 year old guy, but my libido has plummeted just in the past 7 months. No other relevant changes that could explain why, and I feel totally fine otherwise. Any explanations? And how do I fix this? The timeline corresponded roughly with my breaking up with my girlfriend and also moving to a new city to begin law school. I might attribute the drop in sex drive to stress from my first year of law school, but I'm actually having a great time. I'm working hard, but I feel no more stressed or anxious than usual (I'm generally a pretty relaxed person). Other than this one change, everything else is totally normal. I'm in great shape, I've been able to work out and add some muscle, my moods and happiness are not noticeably different than they've ever been before, and I have no other complicating health factors that could explain things. No medications or drugs of any sort.

I still have a very strong desire to meet women, date them, etc. Hell, now more than ever, since I'm finally single. But my desire has morphed into an almost abstract, Platonic one, without any strong urge for the physical act of sex, at least when I'm there with a woman. My masturbation frequency has gone for 4-6 times a week down to once or twice a week at most, and it often seems like a bit of a chore. My last four sexual encounters during this time period have ended somewhat embarrassingly, as I've either been unable to achieve and sustain an erection when I needed to (strangely, it would often occur spontaneously after the initial flurry of activity had died down), or been unable to orgasm. Each time was preceded by pretty major alcohol intake, which is certainly a confounding and possibly aggravating factor. Although these women were all very beautiful, I didn't know any of them very well, or have any strong connection to them. I felt somewhat detached and removed during each encounter, mostly marveling at my lack of responsiveness and visceral enthusiasm while tangled up with a young, pretty girl. It makes me wonder if my sex drive has just become more psychological and less physical in nature, since I never had this problem with my last steady girlfriend.

Anyway, psychological probing aside, I'd mostly just like to fix this so that the next time I'm with a new girl, I'll be able to perform as usual. I've already decided that I need to 1). not masturbate at least a few days before going on a date, and 2). not drink as much alcohol. Any other suggestions? Any diagnoses? Is this just what happens as you age -- your desire for just any pretty female body becomes less overwhelming, in favor of a more mental sort of attraction to people you've "bonded" with already?

how to boost libido in a long-term relationship

monkeygenius — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:09:54 -0800

Help us (straight couple in our late twenties) fix our sex life so we can stay together. I'm a woman in a two year relationship with a man also in his late twenties. We've been together for two years. We've lived together for a year, but as he puts it, "we've basically been living together since the beginning." He has never lived with anyone before, but I have. We've had our share of problems, but both of us think we have a really good thing going. The major exception right now is the sex.

We both enjoy sex when we have it, but that's rarely more than once a month. I'm not particularly turned on because I don't feel very desired. He says he just doesn't feel the urge as often as he used to. This has been going on for over a year, but first was attributed to depression/anxiety (he's now on Wellbutrin), then to a need for some personal space, an issue which is now much better.

Typically he has a higher libido, and while neither one of us thinks we're doing it often enough, he just doesn't feel like having sex very often. Me coming on to him doesn't work either. (I've also tried not changing clothes in front of him, wearing nice things to bed, and leaving him alone about it).

The main problem, he says, is that sex is not related to emotions for him; it's more about the thrill of the chase. I realize that this is true of a lot of people, but here it's true to the point of causing problems.

As far as I can tell, emotional intimacy and sexual desire are inversely correlated for him. One idea I had was to try to shift something in the bedroom, not necessarily for further excitement, but just to break us out of habit (sort of like switching which side of the bed you sleep on).

So, two parts to the question, I guess. 1) what are some general things we can do to boost his libido? and 2) what are some things we can try to break out of our routine, that don't involve costumes or toys? (neither of us is prudish, we just don't get into that).

We agree that we're at the point of progressing to marriage, but neither of us wants to do so unless this issue is resolved. Please help us.

Help my kill my sex drive and save my relationship.

anonymous account — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 21:17:35 -0800

I am a 30 year old male who wants more sex than my partner, which causes all kinds of frustration and resentment on both sides. What can I do to lower my libido? I want to have sex way more often than my partner does. This leads to immense frustration on my part, and irritation/sadness on hers. I know this is the biggest relationship cliche out there, but this time, I'm the one who is going to change. I honestly don't think that there's any possible way to get her more interested in fucking me.

When we do have sex it is usually pretty amazing for both of us (she certainly isn't motivated enough to fake her orgasms, so that part is legit), it's just that it doesn't happen as often as I'd like it to (I'd consider once a week or 6 times a month to be a very good stretch). I'll ask her for a handjob or blowjob and you'd think I just asked if I could shit in her mouth (literal disgusted reaction).

I am very open with her in describing my sexual desires. I am not asking for anything crazy at all, I just don't want her to have to guess at what I want. Usually this leads to her calling me a "jerk" and falling asleep.

It's getting to the point where I'm completely over it. I don't want to cheat on her, and I'm happy with all other aspects of the relationship. We own a house together, we will likely be married in the next few years, have plans for the future, etc.

We have been together for about 8 years. The sex thing has been an issue for us for about the last 5-6 years (basically ever since she started her career). She knows how I feel (a couple months ago after a bit of a dry spell, I had a crying breakdown and told her that I felt trapped in the relationship due to her lack of sexual interest) but seems unwilling/unable to change.

I want to do something (other than masturbate 3 or 4 times a day) that will greatly lower or even eliminate my sex drive. I want to avoid masturbation as well as that turns into a huge time waster for me, and sometimes starts to escalate into areas that I'm not really comfortable with anyway.

We will eventually want to have kids, so whatever I try shouldn't be permanent.

A sexual Catch-22.

Anonymous — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 11:10:45 -0800

Is there anything I can do to counteract the negative effect Yasmin is having on my libido? I've been taking Yasmin for about three weeks now, and I'm already noticing a worrisome decrease in my (usually extremely high) sex drive.

Normally, I'd go to my gynecologist and ask her to switch me to a different variety of hormonal birth control. Sadly, though, this isn't really an option because I'm leaving in a few days to visit my boyfriend, who lives in another state. There wouldn't be time for a different form of BC to take effect before then. Since we don't get to see each other often, we have a lot of "physical activity" planned, and I don't want to ruin that aspect of our visit by not having any interest in sex.

Basically, I'm looking for a way to stay on Yasmin (at least for a few more weeks) AND maintain my awesome libido. Does anyone have any tips for how I can increase my sexual appetite while on this drug? Or any (hopefully reassuring) anecdotes about how Yasmin affected your sex life?

Thanks!

Mid forties male, no libido. What now?

lndl — Tue, 06 May 2008 01:45:46 -0800

I seem to have lost all my libido (sex-drive). Mid-forties male, not health related. Advice? More details inside. OK, synopsis:
I'm 45 yo male. I just got engaged to my girlfriend of some years, who is absolutely the one for me.
The last 6 months have been rough though.
1st I had to take a work stress related break from work (never happened before). My mother is terminally ill. I've also now just been made redundant at work. I was also in a car crash, though not injured. As a consequence of these and other issues I'm seeing a therapist to try to see how to find my way forward and understand myself better.

On the positive side I have an understanding, supportive (sexy) partner, I'm exceptionally fit as I'm training 2/3 hours a day for a world class endurance sport event and look like a guy in his mid 30's. I eat well, sleep ok, don't drink or smoke, I'm well educated, read a lot and have a very inquiring mind.
(Sorry if all this sounds arrogant, it's not meant to be, just heading off possible discussion diversions).

But in the last 6 months my libido has completely disappeared. I'm not talking about erectile dysfunction but actual interest in sex (not even masturbation). I didn't worry about it for a while but I am starting to now.

Yes it seems it could all be explained by everything going on in my soap opera life at the moment but I haven't really discussed it with my therapist yet (not deliberately, just other things were even more important), but I'm worried that it might be "gone".
While this wouldn't be a problem for me if I was single if I didn't care , it will eventually become a problem for us a couple. Any advice?

My groin wants what my brain doesn't!

Anonymous — Mon, 05 May 2008 07:12:20 -0800

The type of guy I like to spend time with isn't the type I like to have sex with. What now? Probably NSFW! I'm a good-looking, intelligent woman in my mid-20s and I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. We're pretty much blissfully happy. He's gorgeous, I love him, he loves me, we're simpatico, we want to grow old together, we've weathered some rough stuff (rainclouds, not typhoons) and come out stronger, and neither of us has been unfaithful.

However, although I'm extremely turned on by his looks, I'm not sexually attracted to his personality. The type of guy I enjoy being with (sweet, funny, kind, gentle, cute, boyish) isn't the type that turns me on (rough, rude, cruel, bossy, arrogant, dominant, older ... basically Martin Amis). I *loathe* the people I find sexy.

I've never reached orgasm with my bf; I can only orgasm when I masturbate to fantasies of being dragged around and degraded by the Type A douchebags of the world.

At first I thought I could be okay with having a mediocre sexual relationship with a guy I'm crazy about, but well ... now I'm here typing this.

I've already tried coaching my bf to be more sexually aggressive, but it's clear by now that it's just not in him. Is the relationship doomed? When I'm old, am I likely to feel like I wasted my 20s? Or should I just get over the whole sex thing? :-/

More than once every 52 seconds

StrikeTheViol — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 17:44:48 -0800

I feel my libido is too high. How can I normalize it healthily and deal with it? I'm 22, and I've noticed my desire increasing very sharply over the past year or so. It's getting in the way of other activities I have and making it difficult to keep up with studying, as I'll frequently become distracted when even obliquely reminded of arousing things, even more than my high school years. I masturbate at least once daily, often more, but it doesn't satisfy, regardless of how long I take doing it, even extending beyond an hour. I've been on antidepressants, but I've found that sexual feelings remain, whether or not I get an erection.

I haven't done anything illegal or even particulary antisocial other than flirting with some women already in relationships, but I'm still a virgin and I think the way I approach women unconsciously as a result of this has actually cost me several opportunities for sex and sex play, among other things. I've been to multiple therapists, responses ranging from "just wait and it'll decrease naturally" to "It's perfectly normal" and that I probably should be happy my sexual stamina is so high. Other resources I've found include a Mormon pamphlet advising dunking the genitals in icewater, and some people with physical sex addiction problems that seem far distant from my experiences. Is that really all there is?

Is my biological clock attached to a sex bomb?

Ambrosia Voyeur — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 09:37:04 -0800

One often hears about the mid-thirties "sexual peak" for women. I have some questions about that. What is this change really like, from your experiences?

How much of this theory assumes a repressive attitude toward female sexual gratification or a delayed onset of it, and how much is actually a dependable increase or decrease in libido-related hormones? Which hormones are verifiably tied to female sex drive?

My libido is, in a word, unruly. Apart from the obvious upside, it's rather like PMS, f that helps clarify my difficulty: inconstant, hard to control, disorienting, distracting, inappropriate, irrational. I went off the pill and it skyrocketed. I am concerned about its likelihood to ride me off the rails over the next ten years. I don't relish the thought of becoming even more like an 18 year old boy, when I'm a sensible and satisfied 26 year old woman. Should I really expect my libido to increase in force, or does this theory merely intend to say that women get better at getting off, like, by learned behaviors, as they mature?

If you have experienced an excess of libido, advice thereto is also appreciated.

Excuse me sir, are you happy to see me?

Anonymous — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 12:08:32 -0800

Why is it easier for me to achieve sexual arousal now rather than 10 years ago? This is something I've noticed over the last couple of years. I'm really not sure if this is a phenomenon that has been researched or not.

I'm currently 29. About 10 years ago, I remember that I would only be sexually aroused by the sight of nude or near nude women. Women wearing provocative clothing were nice to look at, but did nothing for me.

Now, I find myself aroused if a woman is showing even a hint of cleavage or wearing a tight fitting top. I find that I have sexual fantasies much more often about my girlfriend and other women than I did as a 19 year old.

According to my intuition, isn't this the opposite of how it should be? I thought that sexual arousal was easier to achieve at a younger age, and that when you got older, it waned.

Any thoughts or explanations would be appreciated.

My mind wants to but my body doesn't

missmagenta — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 13:17:48 -0800

I'm having some sexual problems, my mind wants to but my body doesn't. I love my boyfriend very much and I'm very attracted to him. I really enjoy having sex with him but lately my body doesn't seem to want to cooperate with my desires. I'm 24, I've been taking cerazette (mini pill) for about 4 months. Since I started taking it my libido has decreased but that hasn't really been a problem - its put me more in line with my fella - before I was a bit of a nymphomaniac.

In the last few weeks things have been difficult. I've been sort of tense down there and I've been having trouble getting lubed up through physical contact - but when he talks dirty to me I get hot and bothered in minutes. We've been together for 5 years so I cant imagine that I'm suddenly nervous or self concious.

Am I just getting old? Should I just buy some lube and forget about it?

Don't know if this is relevant but I've suffered from severe depression since I was 14, I've had therapy and anti-depressants but neither really ever helped. But I got older and things got better especially when I met my boyfriend. Just after I graduated I went through a bad patch , I was unemployed and feeling kinda worthless but I pulled myself out of it and found a job and got on with my life. A few weeks ago I had a bit of a relapse but I'm mostly OK now.
For the last 2 1/2 weeks I've been having muscle twitches - more than normal. It started 2 1/2 weeks ago just in my thighs but it spread to the rest of my legs, my neck, my arms and my abdomen. The frequency is less now - probably about 20 times a day down from about 100 (rough guess, I'm not counting) Its driving me nuts - they dont hurt but they're really annoying. I dont know if the two issues could be related.

Low Libido Causes

Anonymous — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 07:07:38 -0800

What is a good starting point for rectifying a low libido? How can one determine if it is physical or mental? I am a 32 yr-old female. I have MS. I am on birth control and Prozac as well as an interferon. I did not have sex until I was in college, and it began as an alcohol related event. My poor self-image was not helped by that. I frequently get UTIs. I am not sure where to seek help to get this issue resolved before it destroys the best relationship I have ever had. Any suggestions?

How can I get my doctor to take me seriously about my libido problems?

Anonymous — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 09:26:36 -0800

How can I get my doctor to take me seriously about my libido problems? I'm 21, a woman, and engaged to my boyfriend of three years. I have always been overweight (yet confident, healthy and body positive!) and I have been using oral contraceptives for three years. I have not made any drastic changes to warrant my problem.

About a year ago, my sex drive just... disappeared. I went from thinking and breathing sex most of the day, masturbating often and initiating most sexual encounters to barely wanting to undress, play or do anything sexual whatsoever. The change wasn't really noticeable until I realized that my partner and I weren't having sex very often and that I consistently had to turn him down for one reason or another. We are definitely attracted to each other and have no relationship problems that would cause sexual dysfunction. This, to me, feels more than just the "honeymoon phase" ending. He and I have wonderful communication and openness--it is not a relationship problem. I have always thought that if both parties are comfortable with the rate of sexual activity, even if it's low, then there's no problem---but I'm not comfortable with it! I want more sex and I want my sex drive back!

It feels like a physical thing, so I want to see my doctor about it. I've talked to my NP, who shot me down completely: I'm not horny because I'm fat ("by the way, consider Weight Watchers"), and besides, I shouldn't worry about it because I'm so young; since I depend on the state to fulfill my meager health needs, I can usually only see pissy nurses who aren't getting paid enough and have some kind of vendetta against sexually-active young women. Back when I was on my parent's insurance, I mentioned it to my family doctor, who laughed and said that I don't need to worry about it because I am not married (!).

Perhaps it's just been a string of bad experiences that makes me so unconfident with talking to doctors about my sexual problems, but I want to know how to get a doctor to take me seriously. I wish I could say, "Humor me, doc. Give me a barrage of hormonal tests, thyroid tests, what have you until everything comes out fine--maybe then I'll be satisfied with 'lose weight, hurf durf butter eater'." This is a pretty ...conservative region, so it's not easy to find a sex-positive doctor. It seems my age, my size and my gender have just been a joke and frankly, I'm sick of it. What do I do? What are the magic words?

anonymous because the last thing i need is my employer googling my screenname and reading about my sex life

What happened to my libido?

Anonymous — Fri, 23 Jun 2006 09:28:27 -0800

I'm a recently out, gay 21 year-old college student. I recently met someone and things are starting to get serious. Last night he came over and I couldn't get aroused. I've never had a problem with that before. What's going on? At 21, I have finally come to terms with my sexuality and have begun to seek out relationships. Recently, I started dating someone and last night was our first attempt at any kind of sex (my first gay experience, as well). He had no problem with anything, but even after extended play, I could not maintain an erection.

Clearly, this was quite disconcerting to me as I am quite attracted to this boy and was very excited and into the experience. I usually have a large amount of sexual energy and have no problem getting it up, so I have no idea why I couldn't maintain an erection this time (when it would have been very handy, for once). At 21, I really doubt it's ED. I also work out regularly and am generally in good health.

Mefites: What could be going on here?

Please send additional questions to mybrothercharles@gmail.com.

Low libido

Anonymous — Fri, 31 Mar 2006 07:03:05 -0800

The girlfriend has lost her sex drive, and mine is higher than ever. Help! Shes 21 and im 23 and been together 4 months now. We had a little issue when the condom broke, and she is extremely paranoid about that (went and got the emergency pill straight away) and as a result we havent had sex in over a month (used to be several times a week). Ive tried talking to her about it, and suggesting things we could try. But whatever I say she just gets depressed and doesnt want to talk.

But now i'm getting depressed as im constantly feeling rejected and ignored. Whenever I hint at some bedroom activities its met with outright rejection or a "yeah right" sarcastic comment. The other night we fooled around a bit, but she wouldnt let me do anything to her, and after i felt terrible because i felt like she caved in to my nagging and that she didnt really want to do it.

I would hate to end this relationship due to sex. But im going crazy and we're both getting depressed. Im angry that sex has become this important to me and that ive let it become an issue.

What can i do to rescue us?

Help me cure lesbian bed-death!

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Oct 2005 15:53:02 -0800

Help me cure lesbian bed-death. Lesbians and non-lesbians alike are welcome to reply. It's a not-so-funny joke in the gay community that a few months into a serious relationship. lesbians stop having sex. My partner and I have been together for six years now, and, although we talk about sex (especially how much we miss it!) we don't have sex. Maybe once a month, possibly less often than that. We are young (20's) and although we have both struggled with weight and body issues we are currently getting fit and feeling awesome about our bodies. We used to think that it was that we felt fat and not at all sexy, but with the fat part disappearing, we still don't feel sexy.

Last year we had a threesome, with a man. For my partner it confirmed that she was definitely a lesbian. For me it was like having a hands-free dildo. Neither of us got our rocks off that night, but for a couple of weeks afterward we had the best sex of our lives. This, however, is not a solution to the problem. I don't want to have to bring another person into the relationship periodically just so that the two of us can have good sex later.

Other than that experience, we are each other's only sexual partner. We were each other's first. We are open and experimentative, we talk about everything, and we are open to trying just about anything - that is, if we haven't already. When we do have sex it is very enjoyable, but for the most part (and we have discussed this) we would both rather, ahem, take care of it ourselves.

So my question is: how can we get interested in sex again? How can we get interested in each other? We cuddle, we chat, we do all those love-dovey things every single day (what can I say, we are affectionate), we just don't have sex. And yes, it is a problem, because we both miss it very much.

Help me wake up my libido!

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Aug 2005 23:15:48 -0800

Help me wake up my libido! I am a 24 year old female with a very low sex drive. I have a great boyfriend of 4 years, and when we do get physical, it's always wonderful, but often leading up to it I am just not interested at all. I think about sex almost never. I am rarely horny and I am almost never the initiator. I could probably go for months without ever thinking about it or feeling unsatisfied. Once we get going, of course I enjoy myself, but I just have no motivation when it comes to it.

I think a major reason for this is a mental hang-up, thanks to my parents drilling it into me that "sex before marriage is WRONG." Could this be the sole reason for my low sex drive?

I want to want to have sex. I don't want to be a lazy lay, and I want to satisfy my boyfriend. Anyone have any advice on "waking up" my libido?

For the record, I'm not on any medication (I actually went off the pill, hoping it might help with my sex drive--although it was low before I ever got on the pill,) and yes, I have orgasms--though it takes me a long time to get "there."

Hope this wasn't TMI. Any advice is appreciated.

Low Libido

rhapsodie — Tue, 28 Jun 2005 13:59:27 -0800

Have any of you experienced (or noticed in your male partner) an extremely low libido for long periods of time? How did you and your partner get through it? What did you do to combat it? My husband and I are both 24 and were virgins on our wedding night. Before we got married he couldn't keep his hands off of me. After marriage we discovered that I have a form of vulvodynia (vulvar pain) that makes intercourse painful. Because of this, it took us a year to be able to successfully have intercourse, but making sure to be extremely loving and sensual to each others bodies during that time. Intercourse still hurts me a bit, but it hurts less the more frequently we do it: practice makes perfect. And I'm no longer crying from the pain.

He was on anti-depressants for a while (which may have caused his sex drive to drop) and switched to Wellbutrin to have a lesser effect on his sex drive. I didn't notice any change. He has been off all medication for over a year and things are not getting better.

And yet, he is just not interested in any sexual intimacy. We consistently go a month between any sort of sexual activity, including make-out sessions. We have gone without for two months a few times before. We do cuddle frequently, and feel very close to each other emotionally. We went through a cycle where he would tell me that yes, he is interested, but not right now, and then I would beg and he would be even more turned off. Thankfully I stopped all the begging, but his desire did not change. This has been going on for almost three years now, and I am tired of waiting to see when he might be in the mood.

We tried herbal supplements, Horny Goat Weed and another I cannot remember, but they didn't do anything for him. I am confident he is not cheating on me, and he has no problem being aroused or ejaculating. And here I thought all men were ruled by their penis.

I had been considering posting this anonymously, but then made a comment in another thread along these lines. Is this possibly a medical problem? What do you do to help yourself or your partner get back the desire you used to have?