Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and intimacy

NSFW: How do I feel comfortable with new partners?

Anonymous — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 09:35:00 -0800

NSFW: Extreme nervousness or anxiety makes it very difficult to become intimate with new partners please help! Please bear with me as this will be kind of long.

I am a 24 year old, single male who has mostly been in long term relationships for most of my life. After some introspection I believe that one of the reasons why I stay in long term relationships is because I am afraid or nervous to go out there and start dating because I find it difficult to form physical connections with new people though I am a very sexual person myself once I am comfortable enough.

This is the problem in more detail: When I first meet someone I am often good at the dating part, meeting them talking to them, making out and everything else but when things go into the bedroom even if (to put it mildly) I am extremely excited as soon as I reach for a condom and try to put it in.. I lose my erection....This happens I believe with 7 out of 10 new partners.....with some people I just seem to "click" and never have had any issues.

More information about my sexual history:

I lost my virginity with my first girlfriend when I was 17 but only after numerous attempts (it took us about a month of trying). Once we started having sex however it would be the norm to do it several times in one session. When i broke up with her there was a period of about a year where I was single and i had sex with six people....3 of those people I had the same issue it would take me a long time to feel comfortable while I must say that with the other 3 I more or less felt comfortable right from the get-go.

After that I went into another long term relationship for which it also took me a couple of months to become comfortable sexually but once I became comfortable I became my regular horny self and would have sex all the time.

I did not grow up in a very conservative household so I know this doesnt come from my parents. Sex was talked about very openly in our house and was encouraged from an early age (believe it or not) as long as we protected ourselves (yet both me and my brother waited at least till we were 17 to do it).

I however was very spiritual for most of my life and explored a myriad of christian religions from catholic, to Jehova's witness, to mormom, to 7th day adventist at least for 2 or 3 years each. I figured this might be one of the reasons why I behave like this but it has been 7 years since I was seriously religious and my brain is completely comfortable with my current relationship with God (pretty much a prayer here in there but no church involvement of any kind)

How does this affect me?

I feel that sometime I date people for longer than I should because I really dont feel that I have really gotten to know someone until we become physical...however if this takes 2 or 3 months I feel that for some people is too long to wait and in some occasions some people dont understand or dont think I am attracted to them (though many woman kinda like the fact that I am not just with them to get some "ass")...I also always fantasize about having the freedom of one day coming home with someone after a really good first or second date but at the current time I am unable.........

I tried consulting a psychologist who after seeing that there was nothing physically wrong with me prescribed viagra.....which I noticed does not work...unless I am comfortable with the person which brings me back to square one

I just go out of my second long term relationship and back out in the dating world and would like to make the best of it this time around...Do you guys have any advice? Any of you have had similar issues?

How to deal with someone so direct?

InterestedInKnowing — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 19:49:05 -0800

How do I deal with someone so verbal about his needs? I would like to know how to deal better with a person who is very verbal with his needs. My boyfriend is so communicative with his needs that he goes a bit beyond, I feel, and reminds me when he is not happy with the intimacy. Like, every month to 3 months he will say something if he feels there have been two weeks of blah effort. Lately it's been every week he has something to say even though most of the week we have a good time, I think, at least the vibe I get from him. He knows I have depression and OCD but granted I don't want to use it as an excuse to not put more effort but I do want to know how to deal with a person who will spell out bluntly what he wants and how he feels. Note: He does have consideration and always asks me what I feel but he will try or suggest what I can do to help. I don't know. It seems like his requests for more love is demanding and not in a rude way but in the way that if the vibe doesn't flow for a week, or if I am not excited to have sex more than twice a week, he feels unloved and then has to say something about it. I am having a hard time dealing with someone who insist on being so verbal consistently. Is there anything I can say to make him relax?

Help me talk to my wife

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 08:09:46 -0800

Conversation starters needed for married couple's date night. The wife is a bit introverted and needs some prodding to get a conversation started... if it doesn't include career, kids or family. After 10+ years of marriage, kids and career, we need to spice things up and get to know each other again. I am looking for intimate, scruples-type questions we can ask each other to get us talking about our sex life...and life in general. An hour of Googling has not been particularly helpful.

Just Say "No" to Merging

Anonymous — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 14:13:09 -0800

I'm freshly sprung on a new cutie. How do I take it slow? I have a tendency to get married, have babies, and obtain a shared email address with someone about 15 minutes after I fall in love with them, and also, the tendency to fall in love about 15 minutes after I meet someone special.

I just met someone special, and I want to Take it Slow this time. Like, super-duper-duper slow. If this kind of issue is a problem for you (as it is for me), how do you hold yourself back? And what, for you, are some sane guidelines of how long is wise to wait for various relationship milestones (like sleepovers, meeting family members, getting a joint checking account, etc.)

Note that in this particular case, I had a very, very casual online friendship with her for several years before we met. "Friendship" is probably too strong a word actually. We had real life friends in common though and we live in the same town, and recently we spontaneously hooked up. She seems like she likes me.

It hurts when you hit a wall

tdreyer1 — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 20:31:37 -0800

My wife is very 'vanilla' when it comes to intimacy. Okay. First: Background. We are newly-weds of about 6 months. We were each others' first & only partners, but we dove into our sex life and have been having a lot of fun. We have 'regular' sex often, but I like to try new things, so I have been working on my oral routine on her, and have been having a lot of success. The only problem, is when I ask my wife to go down on me, she gets... shy. I think that's the best way to say it. She is not 'shy' when it comes to regular sex, but the moment I mention oral, she gets tense, and no amount of conversation will even convince her to go near me. She also has problems describing/explaining her thoughts and emotions, so I can't get the reason out of her. The closest I've come to getting the reason is that she's (deathly) afraid that she won't be able to breathe while she is doing it, but it seems that this is not the only reason.

I would like any advice you can give me on how to proceed with this situation. I would like to explore this area, but I seem to have hit a wall. I am very open, and able to express my feelings, thoughts, and emotions, but my wife does not have the same ability, and that has gotten in the way of our conversations on this topic. Please help!

p.s. to my knowledge, she has not been abused in any way, and I really have no reason to think so.

In search for flow while making out

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 13:24:31 -0800

How can I remove the awkwardness from initiating physical intimacy? Me and my girlfriend just moved to the same town and are planning to get married in couple of months. We live in the same complex but different apartments. Before this, we had a long distance relationship where we saw each other maybe once in 3 months.

We love each other deeply. Our makeout sessions involve everything except intercourse and it is really intense. However, we have been very awkward with initiating the sessions. I don't know when to initiate, and whether it will be a good idea or not.

What can I do to make things flow more naturally?

Not 'in the mood'

Anonymous — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 10:58:28 -0800

I'm never 'in the mood' at the same time as my boyfriend and it's taken a serious toll on our intimate relationship. What can I/we do to get me in the mood? To help our sex life? I'm a woman in my mid-twenties. My boyfriend (late twenties) and I have been together for almost three years, have lived together for two years. We are in the US.

I love sex. I believe it's important to a relationship. I understand that sex in a relationship changes after being together for a long time, but it has gone from almost every night to maybe once a week. We could go three weeks to a month without it sometimes. I am 100% positive that he's not cheating on me and I am not cheating on him.

These are the factors I see that contribute to the problem:
* Our work/sleep schedules are opposite - I go to bed without him because he's at work and he goes to bed about three hours before I get up. When he comes home from work and I'm asleep, he's sad because it's the middle of the night and he's got no one to spend time with. I try to wait up for him, but I have an 8-5 job and often get less sleep than I should.
* He tries to wake me up, but I'm just too tired!
* I've gained 40lbs in the past year and a half. I don't feel quite as sexy anymore and am less comfortable being naked.
* I don't want him to touch my nipples. It used to feel good, now it feels strange. My boobs are big, so he likes to touch them and I can't stand it. I'm self conscious about them and him touching them just calls attntion to them and makes me uncomfortable. It also makes me feel like he's only attracted to me because of them. I have told him this, but it makes him feel rejected and sad. I don't want him sad, so I let it slide. Which doesn't help the issue.
* Alcochol. Although one drink is a good way to relax a bit, being drunk to the point that he falls asleep while I'm going down on him is bad. He thinks this is mildly amusing. I think it's a relief sometimes and offensive at others.
* Snuggling is frustrating for him now. Because we have sex so little anymore, we can't snuggle in bed or on the couch without him wanting sex right away. I want to snuggle for a long time to get me in the mood, without feeling him get hard or having him try and grope me.

I feel like it's my fault because I'm the one saying no most of the time. I only seem to find myself in the mood when there is no time - like when we're leaving the house to meet friends for dinner or when I'm getting ready for work. Or when there's no way for us to be together - like in the afternoon when we're both at work. He and I have tried to talk about the issue, I know he's frustrated, which makes me upset because I want to see him happy. And it's me that's making him sad! I've always told myself that I'd never be the woman in the relationship that always says no, but here I am.

Porn is not an option - I have too many moral and jealousy issues with it. Sex toys have never interested me.

Too sexy for sex?

saysthis — Thu, 25 May 2006 03:07:10 -0800

Olderwomenwholikeyoubutwon'thavesexwithyoufilter: There it is. 75% of the women I've dated in the last 8 months (and ALL of them have been older than me) have a strange issue, in that we can make out all night to the point of being naked, kissing, touching, but that final step of actively engaging an orgasm seems to be too much for them. So... what the... ? Is it me? Is it them? I'm confused and frustrated and just plain WTF'd.

I'm 22. I'm (I hope, and the results seem to bear it) reasonably attractive in words, deeds, morals, thoughts, and body, and I've met and been engaged with some amazing women. They like me, I like them, we have fun for a few dates, things start to get physical, and often continue "physically", but they don't go all the way physically. I'm a teacher, a foreigner in this particular country (China)(but I do speak the language), well groomed, and well... I seem to have a talent for attracting women in their mid-late 20's (mostly)/early 30's (some late 30's, okay, but I think once you're past 30 you're pretty well set on where you're going in life so I don't think it makes a big difference). I get plenty of women my own age who are interested, but I don't feel the spark I feel with someone who is secure, intelligent, fun, devoted to something, and able to include themselves and their lives in their sense of humor. They like me for varying reasons. I've been told I'm cute, I'm funny/witty, I'm sexy, I'm carefree, I'm wise, I care a lot about things they care about, whatever. Women can be attracted to all sorts of things, and maybe they're true, maybe not, but I can accept attraction and be attracted to the same variety of things. And we have fun, then we go home, and then we kiss, make out, clothes come off, and then things start happening, and then all of a sudden my hand is being pulled away from somewhere and I'm told I should go to sleep so we can wake up and be ready for tomorrow. Only 3 times in the last 8 months has this not happened (before I was in a year-long relationship with someone my own age).

What is going on!?!?! A classy, sexy 25-year old who I know through work (she's my boss & the owner of this company) has initiated a relationship that I'm happy to get into, has invited me into her bed, and finds me and curls up with me when she's bored, won't do the nasty with me. (Yes I know, company ink, etc, we've worked all that out, small company and we were friends beforehand.) This is the last straw, dammit. I could very, very easily let this turn into something long-term, and I've stopped entertaining other potential dates for the moment. I just don't get it. Is it my age, like some of them say? Might there something about me? Is it something about them? Do I just have a talent for finding women with hangups? This particular relationship is one I don't want to lose. I've had "the talk" with her, and she says she needs it quiet and serious for anything beyond unenthused kissing. She's also very worried about me being younger, as she's only dated men older than her up to now. So what next? I can't take another frustrated orgasm, because I will literally explode. HELP!

how to overcome the loss of spark and fear of intimacy

aussicht — Mon, 31 Oct 2005 21:14:36 -0800

How can my girlfriend and I work past an aversion or barrier to intimacy that has come up in our relationship? My girlfriend and I started having big troubles in our relationship (there have been threads of this we'd felt, and fought for a while, and made a lot of progress on) right after she graduated from college, we planned a big trip together not far off, and moved in together to save money. We had had problems with too much dependency and closeness at the expense of our lives. At that time we were making great progress on that and things looked good, so I think we missed giving ourselves space to grow in a transitional time on the highs of things getting better. We planned a four month trip to india, that bounded the time we had to work and work together. Moving in our interactions became mundane and mechanical, we started feeling alienated, withdrawing, fantasizing, and checking out of the relationship. Rather than taking space and trying to foster the love while doing self work and keeping some distance, we tried to make it work. I ended up trying to initiate all the time, and being turned down. I think I was trying to force it and play it off as being great to assauge my deep fears of loosing her, and my problems with clingyness. Things got worse and worse until my advances began to make her feel averse (it all felt mechanical to me but I wouldn't let myself think it out of fear), and she lost attraction to me. I ended up getting frustrated and calling for a break without seeing other people. The break got really messy, rife with me freaking out about being left, not loved, not longed after, and her feeling even less attracted and not wanting to deal or put energy into something so unsavory. Some break throughs happened and we are communicating, and feeling emotionally closer. I discovered that i had never been totally pleased in sex or in the relationship, but never confronted it or shared it with her. I always tried to please her, and never let go or let her take me. I developed my life around her, and our relationship stopped us from developing as individuals together with some space. Things could be looking up, and it could work. We both need to look into our feelings and see if we want to try to make this work, or if it isn't the best thing for us right now. I really want to work through this as I realized how much I really do love her, my limitations, and have seen the possibilities for flourishing out of all this turmoil. Still weirdness is in the air. Everything changed when we took the break and being around eachother, touching whatever felt distant and strange. It was as if our history was wiped away and we weren't really dating anymore, except that it feel even more conflicted and strange. With some closeness coming back it feels weird still, not knowing if we can grow past this and kiss, touch, make love, even cuddle, but knowing we'd have to if we were to get together again. She might be more inclined to try, but I get the impression she feels helpless against feeling no attraction for me now, and doesn't have any idea how to overcome that (and thinks we can't have a relationship without it). She's expressed worry about that, and even said she wonders if it is all sex and attraction, and if so what can she do? I think those experiences of wanting sex, wanting to be with me, but then feeling a physical aversion when I initiated have really impacted her and make her scared. I don't want to force anything or get in that position again. We have thought about professional help but don't know who to go to, if we have time, or if insurance will cover it. I bought Passionate Marriage on the recommendation of a previous thread, but it seems like it is dealing with people who both want to but it ends up not working. Any ideas for dealing with this? Can we overcome it? If so, how? I know this must be somewhat common, and want to believe this isn't the death knell of my deep love of many years. Thanks for any help!

A short story where sex and conversation switch roles

Turd Ferguson — Sat, 30 Jul 2005 08:42:39 -0800

A friend of mine is trying to identify a short story that she read in high school where conversation and sex have the opposite roles than they do in our society today. That is, discussion is viewed as intimacy and is done only in private, whereas people will be physical with each other freely in public. She thinks that speaking at all in public may have been taboo, and the consummation of a relationship was an act along the lines of exchanging essays with a partner. She does not remember much of the plot.

I've tried google, but as you might imagine, these terms are a bit difficult to work with.