Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and girlfriend

Let me slip into something more comfortable

brainmouse — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 11:50:42 -0800

My boyfriend is having a really bad day at work. I'm going over to his house when his day is over (which will be pretty late). What is the best way to cheer him up? I have the obvious things (sex & beer), but I want to really make him forget today, at least until tomorrow... He'll be getting home pretty late -- probably post-dinner. What is your best idea for how to do this? I don't have time to do a lot of buying of things or whatever, but easy, cool things I should do... things that would make your night Perfect.

How long should I wait?

RawrGulMuffins — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 11:53:53 -0800

Question’s about my virgin girlfriend pertaining to sex and sexuality. History: I’ve been dating this girl for about 6-7 months now; it took about 3 months to win her over. I knew going into the relationship that she was a virgin so it wasn’t a surprise that we didn’t have sex right off the bat. What did surprise me is that until very recently she was uncomfortable just making out with me.

I am very much not a virgin (male if it matters). In fact I’d say that sex is about my favorite activity, and as such waiting this long has been a bit difficult. When I think about my ideal woman, the perfect person who has everything I desire, my Girl comes pretty damn close. Obviously there are little things that bother me, but I really want what we have going to work out. I would very much regret looking back five years from now and thinking that I fucked up because I couldn’t wait just a little bit longer.

Pertinent information: My girl admitted she had(s) low self-esteem about her body. It surprised the shit out of me because A) she’s truly, stupidly beautiful, B) it seems to be the only self-esteem issue she has. There has been no long term boyfriend’s before me, although she had a crush on a guy for 6 years through her school life.

There is no history of sexual abuse or mistreatment on either side. We’re both 21 years old. She rarely tries to masturbate, maybe once a month if that. She’s also never orgasmed but that doesn’t seem uncommon for females her age.

My Girl has said that she doesn’t think her libido is naturally non-existent, and there has been improvement on her side of the equation. It’s just taking a hell of a long time for things to get going.

She doesn't want to bring medical help into this situation yet, she doesn't enjoy accepting help on intensely personal things.

Questions: 1: If she doesn’t have a naturally non-existent sex drive, about how long do you think it would take for her to discover her sexuality? I know it’s impossible to give a time-table on this sort of things, but a general guess would help me immensely. Personal anecdotes very much welcome.

2: This is a deal breaker for me and at this point I’m attempting to stay in the relationship to see if things “improve.” Has anyone ever been in my position before, and if so how long did you wait until you were certain you weren’t making a mistake by leaving your SO?

3: I’m going sexually nuts, is there anything (other then masturbation, it’s getting old) a man can do to lower his sex drive, especially in the presence of my very attractive girlfriend?

Help me make my girlfriend climax.

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 19:45:13 -0800

I'm a 30 year old male who is recently divorced (after a 12 year relationship). I had a few brief sexual encounters in high school (5 partners), but most of my adult sex was spent with my ex-wife. As I begin dating and exploring new sexual relationships, I've realized that my sexual dexterity needs some improvement. My problem is that I had sex with my ex-wife for so long, and learned what she liked so well, that I've forgotten how to have sex with other people. My current girlfriend is an enigma. She's 29 years old and has never had an orgasm (not even via masturbation). She also likes rough play; something that is completely foreign to my gentle nature. I was wondering if anybody could recommend some books on sexual techniques designed to guide men to make a woman climax - especially for those who have difficulty doing so.

Girlfriend emotionally damaged by previous relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 10:16:37 -0800

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for a couple of years now. We love each other, and have a lot of fun doing things (even hard work) together. When it comes to sex, though, she seems to have inherited a lot of hangups from a previous, long-term relationship. Her previous mate was apparently obsessed with getting her off, and would insist on performing oral sex on her for ridiculous lengths of time rather than admit defeat. She can make herself cum pretty readily using her fingers, and I've been able to do it the same way once or twice, but she always seems to get upset when I do. She always thanks me fairly formally for getting her off, and often has tears in her eyes. I love going down on her, but it seems to do nothing much for her; in fact, sometimes I look up and find that she's been crying quietly while I was doing it.

I've read books devoted to the subject and tried a lot of things, so I don't think it's my technique. I love looking at/stroking/licking her body (especially her pussy) but it just seems to embarrass her. She seems to think her pussy is "dirty" (it's not - it's always just tasted/smelled/looked like clean skin) or that it's demeaning for me to do it (because she pees through there? She won't say.) She gets teary-eyed whenever I try to talk to her about it, too. Even when she makes herself cum, she doesn't make any sound, and she has to be lying on her back with her legs together. I suspect that she used to have to pleasure herself secretly in her old relationship, since her partner didn't approve of her masturbating if he couldn't get her off, and that's why she has taught herself not to move or make a sound when she gets off. She seems to enjoy being penetrated, but can't get off that way either, and rarely makes any sounds or moves during the process. I care very much for her, and I want her to be happy. I'd like to beat the person who taught her to be ashamed of her body and of enjoying sex. She probably should see a therapist, but every time I bring it up, I get more tears and denials that there's any problem. I understand that you can't "make" someone happy, but I love her dearly and I'd appreciate any suggestions anyone can offer who has had experience in this area. Thanks.

Fetish too far vis a vis my girlfriend.

zeek321 — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 14:12:21 -0800

Fetishes and relationships: Help me find objective, balanced, third-party information for my girlfriend. So, I've had a fetish since forever. It was a fascination even before puberty. It's a borderline "fetish too far" as Dan Savage might categorize it. As I've gotten older, I've learned how to talk about it in an open and honest way. I told my now girlfriend of six months about it on the first date, and explained that it was a fundamental part of my sexuality, and that it wasn't something I'd ever expect or pressure her to participate in. My fetish is an *aspect* of my sexuality--we have regular, amazing, mutually satisfying, mildly kinky sex--I have other outlets for my fetish.

She has become curious to learn more about my fetish. She's interested in talking to me about it, and we do, but it's an intense, multi-layered thing to talk about as it touches on sex, trust, intimacy, and the boundaries of our relationship. I've thought about it a *lot*, as it's something I've had to come to terms with in my life, and she feels a bit overwhelmed and not yet able to express her thoughts and feelings around the situation as well as she wants.

So, she's looking for outside information regarding fetishes and relationships (books? articles?) to help her organize her thoughts and feelings around the situation. (I've cobbled together my thoughts from lots of introspection and randomly dipping into the web for years and years, I'm comfortable in my skin and able to verbalize my needs, desires, concerns, and feelings around the fetish/relationship situation.) She's wicked-smart, women's studies, philosophy, history, humanities background, etc., etc. Are there any resources are out there that would be useful to her?

Is my girlfriend's sister justified or not in her disapproval, and why?

radiosig — Wed, 13 May 2009 11:13:40 -0800

How can I avoid straining the relationship between my girlfriend and her sister, who disapproves of us? Also, what are some good religious / psychological / philosophical texts to help me understand and (gently) argue against the sister's point of view: that my girlfriend and I are living in sin by having sex out of wedlock? I am a straight man, 25 years old. My girlfriend of 20 and her twin sister live together in a nearby city, about 80 miles away from me. The girlfriend and I had been taking turns visiting each other on the weekends until her sister made it known to her that I was no longer welcome in their apartment, ostensibly because of our sexual relationship (I am my girlfriend's first). The sisters grew up in a strict Protestant household (grandfather was a pastor), but my girlfriend has been moving away from that lifestyle in some ways over the last couple of years while her sister has continued to embrace it. The sister and her boyfriend have been dating for about a year but are apparently not intimate beyond the occasional long hug (!).

Last night, after an apparent understanding was reached by the sisters some weeks ago whereby I was allowed to visit on an occasional basis (the implicit understanding was that we could sleep together but my girlfriend and I had agreed not to have sex there) and as my girlfriend and I were settling down to bed, she was called into her sister's room and given an ultimatum: that either I would be spending the night on the couch downstairs or that she (the sister) would be going to her boyfriend's house to spend the night (on his couch downstairs, natch). My girlfriend refused to cooperate with this and so the sister's boyfriend came over to pick her up and they left together, but not before he gave my girlfriend and I a bit of an arrogant dressing-down. So this is the impetus for my post.

And here are my questions:
1) Am I in way over my head here? Am I in the moral wrong for driving a wedge (or for being the wedge, anyway) between my girlfriend and her sister? Family's always first? Or, should I take this as a portent of things to come and get out now?

2) What's the big deal? Is this a religious thing only, or are there other impulses at play here? Is the sister justified in feeling "uncomfortable in her own home" because my girlfriend and I are sharing a bed, or because she knows we have sex when my girlfriend comes to visit me?

3) There are assuredly precedents for this type of situation. Can anyone direct me to relevant writings about them? The more specific the better I suppose, but anything in the realm of philosophy, psychology or theology that could help explain the sister's point of view, or justify or refute her ultimatum, would be great.

I may sound disingenuously naive here, but I assure you I'm not trying to be. I grew up in an entirely areligious household and have been throughout my life by turns indifferent to and dismissive of organized religion. Although I can't change the fact that I don't believe, I'm trying in every way that I can to meet my girlfriend half way in this foreign territory. Recently I feel as if I might be up against something far stranger than I ever knew. Or are we just talking about one nutty sister? Thanks in advance.

The Conquering Hero "Comes"

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 22:19:41 -0800

My girlfriend can't get me to orgasm. Plenty of NSFWness inside. My girlfriend and I have, in short, reached third base in our relationship: fingers, hands and tongues everywhere. No sex (yet). She's the female equivalent of Jizz In My Pants: she can get off from a gust of wind. OK, not really. But with minimal massaging I can get her to come in under a minute.

I'm not so easy. Before meeting this great girl, I had never been touched below the belt. So when my girlfriend's hands slowly went towards the groin...I felt ticklish and cracked up loudly...real smooth. Every time she tries again, I manage to smother my laughter, but I just don't get the thrill I expected. Dry hands hurt more than help, and saliva or blowjobbing makes it only slightly better. After a few minutes I get close, but I plateau there. Five minutes, she's ready to give up and I'm lying there apathetically.

Having satisfied myself with my hand for way too long, I'm worried I've desensitized myself to anything that's not me.

What's wrong? Is failure to orgasm normal for those who haven't experienced this stuff before? Is it fear? Excessive masturbation? What can I do?

Relevant side note: Peeing is laborious too. Even in an empty bathroom it takes me several minutes for me to start urinating.

Casual relationships in high school?

LSK — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 19:35:14 -0800

Casual relationships in high school? (I originally posted this on Yahoo Answers before realizing that this was far, far beyond the ability of a typical YA denizen to answer.)

I'm starting the next year of my high school this Tuesday. There's a girl who I talked with a lot during the last week of last year, and I think I'd be interested in engaging her in a casual relationship. I don't think I'm ready for a girlfriend, and I don't think she's the person I'd want to have for a permanent girlfriend, but I wish to engage in sexual exploration, and she seems open-minded enough to be willing to participate in that.

(Well, yeah, this basically is a description of a friend-with-benefits.)

This, then, is the question:

How does one introduce a suggestion to engage in a casual relationship? Is there a good, slightly more concise and less rude way to say, "Hi, I like you as a person, but I don't want to have you as a girlfriend, but I would like to explore myself sexually through you, and I think that you'd like to help both of us learn about ourselves."

A kiss is just a kiss

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 23:05:14 -0800

Am I fair in blaming a snail's-pace relationship on my weak ability to show affection? I'm ~3 months into a relationship with a girl I'm smitten over. Unfortunately, it's the most G-rated, nonphysical relationship I've ever been in. The same for her, probably, as she's had lots of sex before me. Our relationship has evolved very little since the first date. I'm worried I'm more the problem than she is.

Both of us have executed few acts of entering the other's personal space. Very little hand-holding: her hands are always somewhere that I can't reach them without a little force, like the purse strap. Kissing happens only at the end of dates, and they're split-second short. (The exception is last Sunday, when I couldn't take it anymore and asked her outright for a nice kiss. 'Sure,' she said, and it was so.) No making out and sex, by corollary.

For someone who's had way more experience than I've had, I'm stumped why this relationship has basically stalled. I'm more than happy to wait indefinitely for sex, but no other forms of affection have come to fill the void. I'm the source of most of it, and I don't even do that much because I stress out about what she'd think. In a theatre I managed to reach over and give her a quick body squeeze before bailing out. She's been to my apartment once (it was early on and she knew I wouldn't pull any moves; we talked the entire time), but I don't know if I could ask her over again. I feel like she'd interpret it as a push for sex, which may or may not be the case, who knows. (Which is an interesting side question: how does one pose this invitation?) I used to be the exact opposite: with past GFs, I wouldn't shut up about how much I 'loved' them. In hindsight it was totally creepy.

Am I fair in blaming a snail's-pace relationship on my weak ability to show affection? What can I do to improve myself or get her to understand how I feel about her lack of response? Bringing up the desire for a good kiss is one thing, but I can't keep doing it for squeezing, hand-holding, first base, etc.

(Please don't suggest that I DTMFA. I know it sounds like she's cold and uninterested in me. I'm sure she enjoys my company very much. What we lack in physicality we make up verbally: we spend six hour stretches just talking and having fun.)

Danger Will Robinson! Sex life in jeopardy! Help!

AsRuinsAreToRome — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 00:52:24 -0800

So, my girlfriend and I have been in a long-term (almost 4 years) relationship with one another but, unfortunately, about a year and a half ago our sex life ground to a halt. I should preface this entire question with the fact that I'm 100% completely and absolutely in love with my girlfriend. She's everything I've ever wanted in a partner and she's my best friend. I'm also 100% positive that the feeling is mutual, but for some reason we no longer have sex.

I've already gone through the litany of different reasons why this could be, and I (in my head) boiled them down to this:

1. She's no longer sexually attracted to me. 2. I'm not fulfilling her desires properly. 3. She's either physically or mentally ill and its affecting her libido. 4. She's had some sort of traumatic past experience with sex that is emotionally affected her.

We used to be hot and heavy. In fact, although I'm not in particularly proud of it, we had sex on the first date. I was immediately infatuated with her and we've been a couple ever since that day. And for the first year to two years things were fine. We'd have sex on what I consider a "normal" basis for two early 20 year olds - which amounted to about twice or three times a week. I realize that "normal" varies wildly from relationship to relationship, but that was normal for us. Things were great. I lived by myself while she was a few towns away at college. We mainly saw each other on the weekend for that first year which my girlfriend attributes to one of the reasons why we had sex so frequently.

About a year and a half ago my girlfriend moved in with me. Towards the end of her collegiate career we tested the waters and we got along fantastically - so we decided to make it permanent.

But thats when things went downhill. Since then our sex life has stopped. We have actual full-on intercourse about once a month. Oral/manual sex has ceased to be. We TRY to have sex about once a week, but for some reason it doesn't work out. This is for a number of reasons: 1. She is completely disinterested, and mainly agrees to have sex because she wants to be a good girlfriend and knows having sex is obviously a priority for me. 2. She has absolutely no desire to be touched or "massaged" in any way. Meaning, if I wanted to rub her downtown she'd get very angry. Cunnilingus is out of the question. 3. She initiates NOTHING. At times its felt like I was kissing a corpse. There was no give and take. There is no desire on her part. Every molecule in her body at that particular moment is screamingL "I don't want to be here". She stiffens up.

All of these factors lead to her not getting wet and after about 15 minutes of trying to get something going both her and I will abort the mission. As far as romance goes - I like to think that we have a pretty romantic relationship. Its not out of the ordinary for me to come home with flowers or for her to blindfold me and take me somewhere special for my birthday.

We approaching the conclusion that she may have some intense emotional distress going on, but we have no way to pinpoint it. Psychologists are extremely expensive and although, ironically, she's a pre-school teacher, she has to personally fund her own health insurance on her already meager salary.

Her moods fluctuate. She has really high highs and really low lows. She's often lethargic in the morning. And although she exercises almost daily, she often complaints of a total lack of energy. I think it goes without saying that something needs to be done. So I ask you hivemind - how can we remedy this situation? How can my girlfriend and I return to a normal sex life?

Is it ok to keep posing as a virgin?

SeparatetheLabelD — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 14:22:36 -0800

Was I "technically" raped? More importantly do I need to tell my girlfriend that I'm not a virgin? When I was seventeen, I had a party at my house when both my parents and my current girlfriend were out of town. I ended up getting really drunk at the party and slept with one of the girls at the party. However, because I was so intoxicated, I "browned/blacked out and barely remember the actual sex act (although I do remember everything leading up to it and bits and pieces during and after). The morning after, I woke up and found the girl in my bed and pieced together what had happened with her help. She was eighteen at the time.

Was I technically raped since I didn't offer consent, was not in a right state of mind, and did not want to cheat on my girlfriend? I'm not asking if I could take her to court over it or anything because I know I'd lose.

Now I'm 19 and involved in a relationship where we are finally ready to have sex. The thing is she is a virgin and I told her I was too. Was this wrong of me or was it alright to keep this from her?

P.S. I know I'm a scumbag for cheating so no need to reiterate that point to me.

Is sex not always, or nearly always, really good for men while they're in a relationship?

trampesque — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 03:51:36 -0800

Is sex not always, or nearly always, really good for men while they're in a relationship? Warning: Severely naive question I am very naive about what MEN think about sex. Primarily my boyfriend. Mainly because I was a virgin until 5 months ago. It's not that I can't ask him about this, it's just that... this particular question might make me come across like "tell me I'm better than everyone you've been with in the past", and I hate how that sounds.

My boyfriend seems to be competely blown away, repeatedly and constantly, at how amazing sex is with me. He comments on it a lot, seems amazed how it "keeps getting better", we have it a lot (ranging between 6 and 12 times a week, every week), and he is clearly, definitely, very very satisfied. Every single time.

So I'm not complaining or worried about that - what I am wondering is, is sex really not always amazing for men? He has said several times this is "the best he's ever had" (I'm unaware of how many girls he has slept with but I know it was at least 3 before me) but, naively, I always assumed that men always have a fantastic time in bed with their girlfriends. Otherwise... surely they wouldn't be with them. Is this really not the case? I always figured that if people are in a long-term relationship (like his 5-year one prior to me), they get better at sex, because they have longer to practise, get to know each other, etc. So how can our half-year relationship compare sexually to his five-year one? Has he really, like he seems to think, stumbled across something fantastic, or is it just because he's with ME currently that he feels that way about OUR sex life?

I know, I KNOW, this sounds ridiculously stupid and naive, and that's because that is what I am, regarding this subject. I just really would like to know. Sorry if it's a totally ridiculous query.

ALSO: I am aware that at some point the crazy sex-craze will die down, as it does in all relationships (or, at least, that's what I would assume. Though I certainly have no plans to start cutting back on our sex life, because I absolutely love it.) So I don't need advice about how we're still in the honeymoon period. Thanks

Type 2 diabetic with a sex starved girlfriend

TwilightKid — Wed, 05 Jul 2006 09:09:05 -0800

I am 33 years old and I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes about two years ago, with an initial blood sugar reading of 350. Currently, I have it under control with the help of Metformin, Glipizide, and Avandia.....I have also have now been in a monogamous new relationship with my girlfriend for about 2 months ......My dilemna... I have very little sex drive. We do have sex, maybe every other day we are together (once in a two day weekend, twice in this past 4 day holidy weekend). She seems to always initiate it though. I am defenitely physiucally attracted to her, and I defenitely see her as my wife in the future...But I just seem to have littel interest in starting the foreplay.

We get along perfectly otherwise. We are very intimate. Constantly hugging, kissing, cuddling, bonding, etc....When she initiates it, I go along, and I do enjoy it.....But the other night she called me out on it....She feels that I am rejecting her, or that I am not attracted to her, and when we do have sex, I have the look of just wanting to get it over with.....

I can't explain it. I spoke to my doctor about it, and he kind of played it off on the diabetes and medications, and all that.

I do have sexual thoughts....I dont have a problem doing the job by myself, when we are not together....

It's still early in the relationship, but she has begun to expess concerns....I still consider this the 'honeymoon' period of our relationship, so it should be constant sex, no?? She is worried of whats gonna happen in the future, if I have little to no sex drive now....

Anyone with diabetes wanna share their thoughts?

More info available if it will provide you with better answers for me.....Much thanks

Hot or Not

the giant pill — Sat, 26 Nov 2005 10:39:39 -0800

She's not sexy. I've been seeing her a little over 3 months. She is great, she's smart, witty, sweet, and an all around good person. Bonus 100 cool points - she's an athiest. And she's really, really "in love" with me. I thought I could get over the weight thing, her little double chin, her belly, ... but it's killing my sex drive, and sex is quite a chore for me -- it's not enjoyable to me. If she lost about 40 pounds I could probably change my mind.

I really like this woman, I believe she would make a perfect partner. Just this silly weight thing or my problem with the weight thing. So I see a few solutions to this little dilemma:

1) Move on.
2) Get her to loose weight.
3) Change my idea of what is sexy.

1 would be the easy way out.

2 is just a temporary solution.(this would be hard because in her job she's around good food all the time and I know she is very sensitive about her weight.)

3 seems like an extreme mind fuck.

I'm sure that there are other solutions to this, I just don't know what they are.

Betrayal and everything after

Anonymous — Mon, 12 Sep 2005 22:02:44 -0800

My girlfriend cheated on me this weekend. I am beside myself with grief. How do I cope, and where do I go from here? We've been dating about a year. It's been long-distance for four months. I've had half a dozen serious relationships, and am 24. This one, I thought, had the most potential. I loved her. I still love her. She says she still loves me. Because she told me, I still feel I can trust her word, if not her actions. This makes me want to give it a second shot. She says she is sorry, and now blames herself (which is fine with me.) I have never been cheated on before, so perhaps my response should be to tell her to get out of my life forever.

At times, we had a more open relationship where it was OK to date other people. I took this option. She did not. Two months ago, we became more "serious" again and agreed not to see other people. Now, four days before she's slated for a visit to see me, she drops the bomb.

I guess I'll be open to advice such as "you should get out of this" but what I'm really looking for is strategies for dealing with my grief. I've been hyperventalating most the day. I can barely breath. My eyes are dialated and I'm surprised (grateful?) no one else has noticed. I want to smash the world to pieces right now. Where do I go from here? [People can e-mail me with comments or questions at meficheated@gmail.com]

SexFilter: Help me hone my oral sex giving skills for my new girlfriend

Anonymous — Fri, 05 Nov 2004 10:52:43 -0800

I am a younger male who wants to be a better lover to my new girlfriend, specifically in regards to giving her oral sex. I sense she doesn't like to talk about these things explicitly, and I'm not entirely sure I know what I'm doing. What I'd like to know from MeFites is: what qualifies as good head for a woman? Fast, slow, teasing, aggressive? What feels best? And what things should be avoided as not to spoil the moment? (I'm a little skeptical some female MeFites will feel comfortable offering explicit advice, but I'm pretty sex-positive and I hope some of you are too!)