Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and gay

How can I help make same-sex marriage legal?

Mrs. Pterodactyl — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 04:46:22 -0800

The legalization of same-sex marriage is very important to me. What can I do to help? I don't have much money to donate and I'm wondering what avenues would be best in terms of volunteering my time. Quick background, in case this is relevant in any way: I am a woman married to a man, my mother is an Episcopal priest who agrees with me on this issue and I live in DC so I don't have any congresspeople to whom I can write. What can I do to help make same-sex marriage legal throughout the country?

How do I fix me?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:33:36 -0800

I feel like my life is over and I'm only 35. I feel completely stagnant and stuck, relationshipwise and jobwise. Do I need to change things or do I need to learn how to deal? Help me figure out how to be a happier person. Is there some Grand Unified Theory that explains all my problems? How do I fix me?

I'm a 35-year-old male who has dealt with lifelong anxiety. Two major things in my life right now have me in despair: my relationship and my job. Neither of these is awful; they are just blah. I can't see either of them improving. I feel like I'm too young to have a midlife crisis, but I feel like I have nothing left to look forward to. My life feels over. I feel like even if I change things, I'll become anxious and unhappy about something else. There are good things about my life, but I just do not know how to be content. Maybe deep down I feel like I don't deserve it.

I have been in therapy with different therapists on and off since I was 17. I've been seeing my current therapist for nearly 9 years, and I like her, and I have insights regularly, and she claims that I've changed for the better, but I still feel unhappy. I am a compulsive self-analyzer, but I can't seem to translate insights into actual change. Isn't the goal of therapy supposed to be to get to a point where you don't need therapy anymore?

I took meds (Celexa) for about 4 1/2 years. I never really felt like it solved things. I don't think I have depression -- I can function fine, I don't confine myself to bed, there are things I enjoy, I have genuine passion for life. It's just that life weighs heavily on me, and it always has.

I get frustrated and stressed out easily by little things in life. I have always worried about death, worried about wasting my life, worried about getting older (even when I was 21). Now I worry about middle age, old age. I'm gay, and I feel like I wasted my youth because I didn't come out of the closet until I was 24. I worry about long-term stress making me ill, which causes me more stress.

My relationship: I've posted a few AskMe's about this before (see here -- I changed details like numbers and dates in that first post because I wanted to be extra-safe about being anonymous), and I hate the idea of being a broken record, and I can see how people who have read my previous AskMe's might shake their heads at me for not having changed anything. But the thing is, I'm just terrified.

In short: my partner and I have been together for six years, and we've been in couples therapy for the last two. We truly love and care about each other and have a cozy, very boring, oxytocin-filled relationship, but we have never had a very sexual relationship, and after discussing it repeatedly in therapy, I'm pretty much convinced we never will. He has practically zero sex drive, and I'm just not sexually attracted to him. We have fooled around together twice -- twice -- in the last four years, and never did much before that. We have an open, don't ask/don't tell arrangement, which means that all my sex is with other people, which means that I can never have sex that includes intimacy, which means a big part of my life is very unfulfilled. Whenever I do start to feel some sort of intimacy with someone, I feel really guilty about it.

I guess the difference between this AskMe and my previous ones is that while I used to think there was a possibility we could eventually have a sexually fulfilling relationship, I've since realized we never will.

He also very much likes having a routine, likes being a homebody except for going to the theater alot (we live in Manhattan) and going to our favorite restaurant. He isn't big on excitement. Me, I need to shake things up every once in a while. That might sound odd, given that I tend to be pretty anxious, but I do like to expand my comfort zone sometimes, while he doesn't.

There are some days when I obsess about breaking up with him. But when it comes down to it, I just can't seem to do it. We have talked in our couples therapy about breaking up, and I would just miss him terribly -- having him next to me at night, talking with him, being with him. Plus, since I'm a very emotional person and I get stressed out easily, I just can't see how I could handle being alone and missing him. Our relationship has major flaws, but I do feel calmer knowing he is there whenever I get totally anxious about something. I cannot imagine being stressed out and having nobody to turn to, especially because I live in Manhattan, which can be a difficult, isolating place sometimes. Would I move into some small crappy studio by myself somewhere? I don't have very many friends, so I don't have much of a support system. (My partner and I are both in a social organization, so there are friends/acquaintances there, and people do like me, but it's hard sometimes because I worry about what people think of me.)

What if I wind up being single for the rest of my life? What if nobody else comes along? What if someone else does come along but that relationship is majorly flawed as well? What if my punishment for breaking up with my partner is that I never find anyone else again? Because, odd as this sounds, I do feel like I would be punished for it. That I am not allowed to change my situation, that I should be thankful for what I have, that I want too much.

Maybe I could keep him in my life, and we could be best friends?

And... what if I end the relationship and I'm still unhappy?

Now for the job situation: this is another thing entirely. My job is not very stressful and is sometimes decent, and I'm thankful for that, especially in this economy. But it's just a boring paycheck for me and isn't at all meaningful. Worst of all, over the summer, my office moved into a sterile office park in the New Jersey suburbs. Now I go to the office two days a week, which is a 1 hour 40 minute commute each way, and on the other three days I work from home, which feels so isolating and makes me feel like I'm not doing anything. I despair of ever getting out of this situation.

I have never known what I wanted to do with my life. I have seen career counselors, I have read career books -- at times I have been hopeful but I eventually despair. I have wanted to be a writer, a therapist, a journalist, a professor. I went to law school, but I didn't really enjoy being a lawyer. Now my job is related to the law, but it doesn't thrill me either. What I *do* like to do is read nonfiction and learn about things. I love learning and I love writing, but I don't think I have the expertise or ability to write nonfiction, and I have little interest in writing fiction. I am good at writing about myself, but who wants to read about me?

See how hard on myself I am?

I am also very fickle -- I can never be sure that what interests me now will interest me a few months from now. The only constant is history, particularly American history.

I feel hopeless at 35, and if the next 50 years are like the last 10, I don't know what I'm going to do, and I am only getting older. I am stuck, stuck, stuck, and I hate it.

I've created a MeFi account that I can't post from yet, but you can email me there if you want.

crazy little thing called the love that dare not speak its name

Jon_Evil — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 07:16:55 -0800

I need some academically credible synonyms for same-sex erotic activity that are less ambiguous than "gay sex" and less clinical-sounding than "homosexual contact." I'm helping to revise a 30-year-old book about human sexuality for re-publication, and the state of homo-politico-linguistics has changed considerably. The author refers to "gays" as a demographic group, but sometimes he's talking about only exclusively homosexual-identifying men, and sometimes about anyone of any gender that's ever slipped a bit towards the right of the Kinsey scale. He uses "gay sex" in a similarly inconsistent way.

The problem with "Queer" and its derivatives is that it's still a loaded term, and while pretty much everyone under thirty sees it as a positive description, older people (including the author) see it as a slur.

Just to be clear, I'm not looking for names of specific acts, but a generalized term for everything along the spectrum from kissing to fisting, just as long as you keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay.

One's company, two's a crowd, and three's a party?

HotPatatta — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 19:55:06 -0800

How do threesomes stay balanced? Recently, I have had reason to ponder the dynamics of a 3-way. My main question is how to keep the action going without leaving anyone out. Being the third wheel, I have fears that I will be left to my own devices in a corner, weeping silently. What are some tips to make this a successful endeavor? What kinds of discussion should be held beforehand? Are there any common pitfalls to avoid?

I am a gay male and would be primarily hooking up with male couples.

In a relationship, need friends.

Anonymous — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 14:40:40 -0800

I'm in a long-term relationship and I hardly have any friends. How do I get some? I'm a mid-30s gay man. My relationship with my partner has a big problem: he has close to zero sex drive. I elaborated in this previous post, in which I slightly changed some numerical data (age, time frames) out of fear of discovery. The short version: we rarely have sex -- the last time was over the July 4th weekend, and before that it had been 2 1/2 years. We have an open relationship -- he doesn't mind if I play around, as long as he doesn't have to know about it. So I play around. A lot. But I'm not fond of anonymous sex without chemistry. I crave the intimacy that comes with sex, and I can't seem to achieve that intimacy with my partner. We're in couples' counseling, where we talk about sex and intimacy and all that good stuff.

So, I need more social intimacy and connection in my life. I feel like I need to get more friends. Neither my partner nor I have very many friends at all. We're both introverted (he moreso than I; I need more human contact than he does). We rarely socialize with others. On the weekend, he's content to sit all day at his computer or watch TV while I secretly go online and look for people to have sex with, because I feel so bored and lonely and neglected. In our counseling, we've discussed the fact that I feel angry that we never do anything on the weekend. Thing is, if I want us to go out and do something, I should come up with something. But I can never come up with anything. We do a lot of stuff during the week, though. We sing in a chorus together, we go to the theater, we have couples' therapy, I have my own individual therapy. And then Saturday and Sunday arrive and we do nothing. And I *hate* sitting around all weekend doing nothing.

Oddly, I don't mind sitting around and hanging out in gay chat rooms or looking for sex, because that makes me feel like I'm being social. But clearly it's not a "healthy" kind of social because it doesn't lead to real social intimacy.

So, again. I need more social intimacy in my life.

One question is whether we should be looking together for other couples to become friends with, or if I should go and find my own friends. Probably both. The problem with finding my own friends is that I worry that my partner will think I want to have sex with my friends. This is partly projection; I do, in fact, want to have sex with some of my friends. So my sexual desire keeps me from forming friendships; I'm afraid of getting too close to people who are not my partner because I'm afraid there will be sexual tension or that I will want to have sex with them. And if I'm not sexually interested in someone, I don't see the point in being friends with them.

As I type that, it sounds really bizarre. Why do I sexualize the idea of friendship so much? Probably because I'm not getting regular sex in my relationship.

I suppose someone might suggest that I get myself some female friends. But how do gay men actually *find* female friends? I don't want to befriend a woman who's just looking for her fabulous gay male friend. I am not fabulous. I'm not stylish, I can't provide fashion advice, I'm not good at the "you go, girl!" thing. (I probably have some internalized homophobia here.) I know that not every woman who has a gay male friend is a stereotypical "fag hag." So, I want friends who actually like me for who I am. How do I find them?

But also, I'm kind of nervous around women, because I don't totally know how to act around them without feeling like I'm being flirty. (Again -- am I oversexualizing?)

I live in a major U.S. city, by the way, so there are likely tons of options.

I realize there are several interrelated questions here. Feel free to answer any or all of them.

How do married same-sex couples hold title?

Graygorey — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 23:42:24 -0800

How do married same-sex couples hold title? Any recommendations or resources for California same-sex unions wanting to change title to their property? Today, at the counter at a California county recorder's office, a woman asked me how she could add her wife to the title of her property. While same-sex marriage was legal in California (don't get me started on prop. 8), what was the common language for married couples?

Vaseline + buttsex = ?

Anonymous — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 19:36:04 -0800

Is vaseline okay for gay sex? (NSFW and probably gross for most people) I'm talking gay unprotected anal sex.

Assume these are two consenting adults that are engaged in a monogamous relationship. Don't derail my question with cautions of the inherent risk of bareback sex. It's extremely risky, don't do it!!!! Okay, lets move on.

I know that popular opinion is against using this material for lube. FACT: It breaks down latex in toys and condoms and can linger a bit so it could break down condoms used in the next few days or so. RUMOR? I've heard that it can harbor bacteria which is a risk for infection -- however, I just learned that silicone lube does this also and I've used it for years without any problems. I've also heard that it's used for actual medical purposes 'down there' without issue. I've done lots of googling, but I can only find info about how you're not supposed to use it for vaginal sex and the occasional cautionary tales of condom breakage.

So, that leads me to the question - can I use vaseline as lube and not mess up my ass or the ass of my loved one? Assume frequent usage 5-9 times per week, and a good shower post-coitus. It'd be great to hear from someone that actually uses it regularly or perhaps has a friend or whatever. Thanks!

throwaway email: buttsexask@yahoo.com

Yar! Bare yer booty, wench!

Anonymous — Tue, 27 May 2008 20:59:46 -0800

Sexyfilter: Lesbian role-play ideas, bonus points for kinky. Yes, really. I'm in a long-term lesbian relationship with a lagging sex life. I know, I know, you've all heard this before. We have both recently realized we are slightly kinky (meaning: soft bondage, spanking, light whipping, hair pulling, scratching - so far) but can't seem to work that into sex. We think that role-playing might be fun, but don't really know where to start. Most suggestions online are pretty dependent either on heterosexual naughty bits, or at the least on male/female power dynamics. Most are also so cliche (headmistress/student) that we would just feel silly doing them. We have a strap-on, so gender play is a possibility, I'd need ideas/tips though.

So, a few questions then:
What are some tips for role-play beginners?
What are some tips for D/s or s/m beginners? Any websites to recommend that will teach us how to tie each other up?
What are some fun scenarios, which may or may not incorporate kink, that don't necessarily rely on full sets of male and female bits?

lesbianroleplay@gmail.com

I think I'm straight. Now what?

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 11:33:23 -0800

After a long time in a lesbian relationship, I'm coming to the realization that I think I'm straight. I don't want to leave my wife (I really love her), but I can't stop thinking about men. Please help me figure this out. Sexually explicit details inside. NSFW When I met the woman who I ended up marrying, I had never thought about sexuality. I had had a very few relationships with men, but was very young. When she told me she was interested in me I thought I could give it a try, fell in love with her, and started identifying as bisexual.

At first the sex was awful (we were both inexperienced and had no idea how to have sex, never mind lesbian sex), but it got better. Over time, though, I found that I had the best orgasms when I fantasized about men during sex. It took a long time for me to tell her this, but I did, and she was fine with it. Eventually it came to be that I could only orgasm when I fantasize about men. She knows this too, and it doesn't bother or worry her at all.

It bothers and worries me. I feel like I'm not having sex with her, rather, I'm masturbating with a hands-free vibrator. I've tried not fantasizing, I've tried keeping my eyes open so that I can see her, and all it does is keep me from coming, make me frustrated, and tire out her arm.

Thinking about this, I've realized several things: I have never really checked out other women in a sexual way. I see a sexy woman and I think "I'd like to look like her" rather than "I'm sexually attracted to her." I look at men, though. The only times I've ever fantasized about women are in fantasies where men are watching me have sex with a woman, and still, the fun only starts when the man/men join in. All of my porn is straight porn, or else it pictures just one woman, and I always identify with the woman and not with the person off-scene who is playing with her.

Recently, my wife and I have pretty much stopped having sex. I know this is partly just a function of being in a ltr, but I feel more and more like we are best friends who happen to share a bed, rather than romantic partners. We've bought toys, we've watched porn, we've tried a bit of kink, but nothing seems to be bringing back the spark. I'm horny, but just don't want to have sex with her. She has said the same, but has said that I'm seeming colder and colder.

I love her so much. She is my world and my light and my heart. She takes care of me, makes me feel beautiful, makes me feel special, makes me want to be a good person. She's my best friend, my confidante, and I trust her implicitly.

Still, I fantasize about a stubbly chin nuzzling against my neck. I dream of being the shorter one in a hug. Of pressing my face against a flat chest, wrapping my arms around narrow hips. I think about sex with a man. A lot. Not any particular man, just a man.

Am I straight? How can I know if I'm straight as opposed to bisexual? Am I just stuck in a monogamy rut? Can I fix myself for this relationship or am I fucked? Am I going to come to a realization ten years down the road and leave my wife for a man, like so many of my older lesbian friends did in reverse? How can I prevent that from happening?

Am I having orgasms?

zeusianfog — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 21:56:28 -0800

Very personal sex/anatomy question ahoy. I'm a gay male with an active sex life, but I have never ejaculated during sex. Up until recently, I've been operating under the assumption that I've never experienced an orgasm, but my boyfriend pointed out that I describe my experience as sharp spike in sexual pleasure, after which continued stimulation feels painful and unpleasant. After this spike occurs, I lose my erection, I feel exhausted/spent and my genitals are tender for a few hours afterwards. It certainly feels like I imagine an orgasm would feel, but there is no ejaculation. I've read that they needn't necessarily go hand in hand, but there are complicating factors. I have wet dreams, and so obviously I am capable of ejaculating. Is there something wrong with my ability to ejaculate, or am I just not orgasming, as we've assumed up until now? Will this cause long-term problems? Should I seek medical attention?

Will hidden fatness hurt my love life?

Anonymous — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 06:27:52 -0800

I'm gay, new at dating, and kind of overweight (though not morbidly so -- say ~ 20/22% body fat), though my face doesn't show it. I'm afraid dates will like me, in part based on that deceptive face, then discover my fatness during a moment of intimacy, and be repulsed. Am I being paranoid?

What am I?

Anonymous — Sun, 03 Jun 2007 09:32:22 -0800

I am confused about my sexuality. I'm 21, female, very little sexual experience (all with men--I've never even kissed a woman). While I identify as "straight" to society at large, I'm confused if that's what I actually am. I've always been a bit of a tomboy and always had "girl crushes," on celebrities and on people I know, though they're never really "sexual" in nature. I want to kiss girls and be affectionate with them, but I don't want to have sex with them. On the other hand, I want to have sex with men, but don't ever feel myself compelled to kiss them or hold hands or be affectionate with them. My sexual fantasies pretty much all involve men; my "romantic" fantasies all women. If I could sum up my problem, it would be this: I am sexually attracted to men, but emotionally attracted to women. How can I reconcile these conflicting ideas? As it stands, I'm not getting any--no sex, no affection--because I've yet to find someone (of either gender) who makes me fire on both cylinders, so to speak. To further complicate things, I think other people read me as "asexual" (probably because of my own confusion) and so I have little real-world experience to experiment with being with either men or women in either a sexual or romantic capacity.

I'm looking for any insight or advice that could help me further understand and figure out my sexuality. Email can be sent to sexconfused@gmail.com. Thanks in advance.

How can I learn to love an asshole (and I don't mean someone who is inconsiderate)

DarwinianDan — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 10:27:43 -0800

[GaySexFilter] Help me overcome being disgusted by buttholes. If I don't get over it soon, it's going to be a major problem for me in relationships. I'm a 25 year old male and trust me, I'm gay. No need to post responses like, "Are you sure you're gay?" I love men and men's bodies. I just can't seem to get over being totally grossed out by buttholes. I should tell you that I am a virgin, so I've never actually touched, licked, or sniffed one. But I've seen some porn and can't stand to watch the parts where they "rim." I can watch the actual sex, but I don't like looking at the hole. I just concentrate on other parts of the anatomy instead. If I were straight, this wouldn't even be an issue. But since I'm gay, I realize that most sex acts that gay men like to engage in require use of the brown hole.
The hairiness is kinda gross, but I think the slight brown skin color is nasty. I also have a problem with the fact that shit comes out of the butthole and it can't be entirely sanitary. Maybe you can wash it with antibacterial soap before use, but still...it's a shit pipe! Even if it is properly cleansed, it still icks me out. It wouldn't be very romantic if I asked to cover my partner's ass with saran wrap before I licked it.

Has anyone else ever been afraid of the big brown eye but learned to love it? Was anyone else afraid before they had sex the first time and then found out it wasn't so scary? Advice please. The question might sound absurd but it's actually a serious issue. Thanks!

All I need is the air that I breathe, and to love you. And you. And you...

mykescipark — Wed, 06 Dec 2006 00:26:28 -0800

Help me master the fine art of hooking up. (M4M, but all answers welcome.) So, I'm a relatively young gay fella who's got a few life changes in store. (Just out of a relationship that wasn't working; moving to a new city next year; celebrating the turn of a decade). I'm excited and optimistic about the future and feel more confident, centered, and content than at any point in my turbulent twenties. I'd like to put some of this joie de vivre to good use in my intimate life. Given the aforementioned move (and the resultant need for string-free engagements), I'd like to ask for your advice on how to square a fun and healthy sex life with the knowledge that I'm going to be packing up in the near-future.

Up until now, I've always slept with people for whom I've had some deeper affinity - shared tastes, interests, values, etc - or with whom I might have otherwise considered a more serious relationship. This is a healthy trend on the one hand, but the new circumstances require an internal paradigm shift that I haven't fully mastered. The operating rules of hooking-up require more objectification and lack of emotional/psychological investment than I'm used to. Although I'm perfectly capable of finding new partners, I still occasionally find myself with the lingering feeling of "hmm, it would be nice if that happened again with that particular person."

So, MeFites, your best advice on hooking up with impunity for a (relative) newbie? How have you modified your emotional habits to accommodate hooking up during those periods of relationship downtime? Can you suggest any new ways of thinking about it that will enable me to free up and enjoy the experience for what it is? I'd like to enjoy the privilege of my youthful looks (and the variety of options provided thereof) while I can.

Other issues get folded into this, of course -- like the no-compromises necessity of safe sex and the need to communicate with hook-up partners about limits, boundaries, and intentions -- but I want to focus on the internal aspects of the question and not the interpersonal ones. (Yet.)

Gonorrhea -- Now What?

Anonymous — Fri, 14 Jul 2006 09:30:11 -0800

So I think I went out and got myself a case of gonorrhea. (Just what I always wanted!) What are my treatment options for getting this taken care of ASAP? I understand that it can generally be handled with a course of antibiotics... but how can I best go about getting them? I don't have a regular doctor right now -- I've just made an appointment with a new doctor for the end of the month, but I'd prefer to get on top of this before then (since leaving it unattended for more than two weeks seems like a bad idea). I'm a gay guy in NYC, so advice specific to that milieu would be superb, but in the name of creating a valuable reference thread I'd be interested to see information aimed at less specific contexts as well. Before you ask, since anonymous folks can't respond in-thread: I idiotically had unprotected sex with a guy I didn't know particularly well (first --and last -- time I've ever done such a stupid thing); yes, I'm well aware that I could have been exposed to HIV (I've got every reason to believe the partner in question was negative, but the simple fact that he was OK with unprotected sex does put a question mark over everything), and I do get tested regularly and will get tested both later this month and three months later; and yes, I've self-diagnosed this -- I've had redness around the tip of my penis / meatus and a persistent tingling itch for about a week now, and I'm now twelve days out from exposure (No discharge yet, but here's sarcastically hopin'!) I'm also well aware of the fact that I should've known better, but I'm young and have now most decidely learned my lesson -- the anxiety of the "God damn it, this isn't going away" phase alone has been enough to scare me back into condom use for a good long time...

What happened to my libido?

Anonymous — Fri, 23 Jun 2006 09:28:27 -0800

I'm a recently out, gay 21 year-old college student. I recently met someone and things are starting to get serious. Last night he came over and I couldn't get aroused. I've never had a problem with that before. What's going on? At 21, I have finally come to terms with my sexuality and have begun to seek out relationships. Recently, I started dating someone and last night was our first attempt at any kind of sex (my first gay experience, as well). He had no problem with anything, but even after extended play, I could not maintain an erection.

Clearly, this was quite disconcerting to me as I am quite attracted to this boy and was very excited and into the experience. I usually have a large amount of sexual energy and have no problem getting it up, so I have no idea why I couldn't maintain an erection this time (when it would have been very handy, for once). At 21, I really doubt it's ED. I also work out regularly and am generally in good health.

Mefites: What could be going on here?

Please send additional questions to mybrothercharles@gmail.com.

Help me get out of this closet before the house burns down!

Anonymous — Wed, 31 May 2006 17:27:21 -0800

I've never dated a girl before. Where do I start? Oh, and I am one, too... I've suspected myself of being a lesbian for a long time and am definitely attracted to women, but I wouldn't feel comfortable coming out without any actual experience to validate this. In the meantime, it seems incredibly awkward, and even selfish, to initiate anything with someone who is more experienced and certain of themselves - as though it were her responsibity to wait for me to figure everything out and get off my training wheels (I can imagine I probably wouldn't want to waste my time with someone who was just experimenting, either). I feel this anxiety equally when thinking about the possibility of a casual sexual encounter or a relationship. I've also noticed the term "curiosity" used with a distinctly negative connotation on many gay websites, etc. which makes me feel less than welcome, in addition to being ashamed of my general ignorance and ineptitude concerning, um, everything involved. I also have the (wrong?) impression that most people realize they're gay in the context of an attraction to a specific person, and things follow naturally from there; it seems less clear how to go about it the other way round.

More background info: A couple people have asked whether or simply assumed I was gay previously, but I've only recently started to acknowledge it myself. I'm generally a shy and introverted person, so I already have some difficulty meeting people and entering into new social situations, especially point-blank, and I don't have anyone else who's openly gay in my social circle at the moment (which is actually quite small, because I've moved recently). I've gone to a couple lesbian events (monthly "parties" at local bars) but freaked out and ran away before I could start relaxing and meeting people. There's really no one I'd feel comfortable bringing along to future events like this for moral support, either. I also don't live in an area with any gay coffee shops or more casual meeting places. Oh yeah, and I have pretty long hair.

So, my questions are, roughly, the following:

1) Is "curiosity" generally tolerated as little as I fear, and if so, how should I go about resolving it?

2) How can I get a date without taking advantage of someone (or at least feeling like I am) by inflicting my n00b-ness on them?

3) How does dating work in general for lesbians? What should I be doing to send out the right signals, and what should I be watching for? And what happens next?

This question is meant to be as broad as possible. I feel like this is going to be adolescence all over again - or like that "40-year-old virgin" movie. Not pleasant. I'll be grateful for any information and advice that might make it easier.

Gay Anniversary Gifts

benjh — Sat, 22 Oct 2005 09:34:31 -0800

What is appropriate for a same sex first anniversary gift? A couple of days ago, there was a post about anniversary gifts. But what about same sex couples? It is my first anniversary, and I don't know what to get my partner.

Is the traditional paper or modern clocks appropriate, or is there something more appropriate for a same sex couple?

Help me cure lesbian bed-death!

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Oct 2005 15:53:02 -0800

Help me cure lesbian bed-death. Lesbians and non-lesbians alike are welcome to reply. It's a not-so-funny joke in the gay community that a few months into a serious relationship. lesbians stop having sex. My partner and I have been together for six years now, and, although we talk about sex (especially how much we miss it!) we don't have sex. Maybe once a month, possibly less often than that. We are young (20's) and although we have both struggled with weight and body issues we are currently getting fit and feeling awesome about our bodies. We used to think that it was that we felt fat and not at all sexy, but with the fat part disappearing, we still don't feel sexy.

Last year we had a threesome, with a man. For my partner it confirmed that she was definitely a lesbian. For me it was like having a hands-free dildo. Neither of us got our rocks off that night, but for a couple of weeks afterward we had the best sex of our lives. This, however, is not a solution to the problem. I don't want to have to bring another person into the relationship periodically just so that the two of us can have good sex later.

Other than that experience, we are each other's only sexual partner. We were each other's first. We are open and experimentative, we talk about everything, and we are open to trying just about anything - that is, if we haven't already. When we do have sex it is very enjoyable, but for the most part (and we have discussed this) we would both rather, ahem, take care of it ourselves.

So my question is: how can we get interested in sex again? How can we get interested in each other? We cuddle, we chat, we do all those love-dovey things every single day (what can I say, we are affectionate), we just don't have sex. And yes, it is a problem, because we both miss it very much.