Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and fetish

Fetish too far vis a vis my girlfriend.

zeek321 — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 14:12:21 -0800

Fetishes and relationships: Help me find objective, balanced, third-party information for my girlfriend. So, I've had a fetish since forever. It was a fascination even before puberty. It's a borderline "fetish too far" as Dan Savage might categorize it. As I've gotten older, I've learned how to talk about it in an open and honest way. I told my now girlfriend of six months about it on the first date, and explained that it was a fundamental part of my sexuality, and that it wasn't something I'd ever expect or pressure her to participate in. My fetish is an *aspect* of my sexuality--we have regular, amazing, mutually satisfying, mildly kinky sex--I have other outlets for my fetish.

She has become curious to learn more about my fetish. She's interested in talking to me about it, and we do, but it's an intense, multi-layered thing to talk about as it touches on sex, trust, intimacy, and the boundaries of our relationship. I've thought about it a *lot*, as it's something I've had to come to terms with in my life, and she feels a bit overwhelmed and not yet able to express her thoughts and feelings around the situation as well as she wants.

So, she's looking for outside information regarding fetishes and relationships (books? articles?) to help her organize her thoughts and feelings around the situation. (I've cobbled together my thoughts from lots of introspection and randomly dipping into the web for years and years, I'm comfortable in my skin and able to verbalize my needs, desires, concerns, and feelings around the fetish/relationship situation.) She's wicked-smart, women's studies, philosophy, history, humanities background, etc., etc. Are there any resources are out there that would be useful to her?

I'm disgusted by what turns me on. Please help.

Anonymous — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 08:25:04 -0800

It seems like the only thing that can get me off is extremely unpleasant written erotica (details inside, to keep the front page clean). Do I have a problem? Should I see a therapist? Background info that might be relevant: I'm female, North American, raised Catholic but not at all religious, 20, and I've never had a sexual or romantic relationship of any kind. Hell, I've never even been kissed. I'm pretty sure I'm straight, but the jury is out on whether I'm asexual (I've never really felt sexually attracted to someone else, but I figure I haven't had enough experience to be sure).

I discovered masturbation a few years ago. Porn does nothing for me; I only seem to orgasm from written erotica, of the sort that can be found at the alt.sex.stories text repository and other places on the net. The problem is, the vanilla stuff is no good either. What turns me on is really horrifying and taboo content - we're talking rape, torture, pedophilia, sometimes all three at once. If I try to keep reading afterwards, or by the light of day, I'm disgusted with myself because of how vile it is, and sometimes I tell myself "never again!" but I usually manage to convince myself to rescind that in a few days or weeks. So - is this something I need to get help for? If so, is it because I shouldn't feel so guilty about things, or because I'm a despicable human being to be having this fetish in the first place?

On the one hand, I tell myself that it is only written erotica. There is definitely no one getting hurt (if I watched porn, I might be less fully convinced, but I don't so it's moot). On the other hand, if things like this and this are happening - and I read more than enough "people who like this stuff make me sick" comments on those threads - then surely people are seeing some sort of inherent wrong in material of this sort. I know that I would never rape or hurt someone - the idea of even, say, slapping someone in anger turns my stomach - but even disregarding my personal qualms, I only read male-on-female stuff and being female makes it kind of impossible to act out that scenario as an aggressor.

If this is something only confined to the dark hours of the night in my bedroom, is it still wrong? If it is wrong, can I really do anything about it aside from hate myself? I think it's been around forever (though I didn't think of it as a sexual thing until recently), since I remember reading a rape scene in a (crappy sequel to) Dune book when I was pretty young and it caught my attention in a way other sex scenes hadn't. Can something that hardwired really be ripped out, and will I have anything left after? Would I accomplish as much by just giving up ever masturbating at all?

Anyways, I'm sorry for being a bit disjointed and rambly, and very sorry if I've offended or disturbed anyone reading this. I'm confused and ashamed and would rather not see a therapist, since I'm far from wealthy, but if there's nothing else to be done I suppose I will have to take the plunge. If you're uncomfortable answering here, I have a throwaway account at : sickorjustsick@gmail.com. Thank you very much, anyone who answers; I really, really appreciate any counsel your wiser heads have to offer.

How should I respond to sincere, respeated requests for a blumpy?

Anonymous — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 17:26:26 -0800

NSFW: My boyfriend and I (a woman) have explored many sexual fantasies together - but how should I respond to his desire for a blumpy? It's the only thing he keeps asking for, after six very happy, exploratory years together, but I really don't want to. How can I a) respond humorously to his repeated requests for a head job while shitting, and b) let him know that this is not something I will agree to, regardless of how much we love each other, while c) letting him know he is loved and wanted and that d) I'm happy to explore many, many things, but not this? I'm far from a prude, but it's starting to become a bit of an obsession (more so after he found (recently) it has a name and thus decided that rule 34 is a goal, not commentary, and it's up to us to create it if we can't find it). Thanks, hivemind!

Which demographics are the kinkiest?

aliceinreality — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 12:55:04 -0800

KinkFilter: Is there currently any sociological research on sexual kinks, specifically long-term BDSM relationships? My friend and I were talking a couple days ago, and we were wondering if D/s dynamics were more common among certain demographics (i.e., college-educated, middle class, particular ethnic groups, certain religions, etc.), and I decided that MeFi might know if anyone was publishing on this stuff.

Is it healthy to reenact childhood discipline as an adult?

Anonymous — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 06:27:54 -0800

Some of the disciplinary acts I endured as a child and teenager have spilled over into my adult sex life. Is this a healthy thing to encourage, or should I avoid these acts altogether? My parents used a certain degree of physical discipline on me growing up. As a child, I remember a couple of brutal spankings from my father that left me crying for hours. From my mother, she occasionally smacked my butt with a wooden spoon, slapped my face, or washed my mouth out with soap until snot ran out of my nose. As a teenager, my father pulled me up the stairs by my hair a couple of times. There was also a bit of verbal degradation and object breaking (calling me a bitch, throwing chairs, etc.).

Now, I don't excuse the above actions, but these were occasional incidents that occurred over a period of 15 years. This was during the 70's and 80's when spanking was more acceptable. There is also a cultural difference between my parents and the North American culture where I was raised. I recognize that my parents had my best interests at heart, and while we are civil to each other today, I will never be emotionally close to them.

I think I'm a fairly stable adult and don't consciously harbor any guilt over my upbringing. My parents had good intentions, I believe, however misguided they were. I've never attended therapy nor felt the need to seek outside help.

What worries me is that that some of these specific disciplinary acts have become sexual fetishes. The tendencies have always been there (submission, degradation) but I haven't recreated specific acts until recently. It has been even more recently that I even made the connection with childhood incidences.

Should I just continue on with my sexual urges, even if I see a connection with unhealthy childhood incidents? I feel okay mentally, but am I fooling myself???

Anon email account:
missmefianon@gmail.com

Fetish vs. Phobia: recipe for disaster?

Anonymous — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 22:33:40 -0800

A potential romantic partner has a very specific phobia. As luck would have it, it happens to be pretty much the exact thing that is my very private fetish. I have never shared it with anyone and don't plan to share it with anyone. Are we doomed, or could we somehow make this work to our advantage? For the purpose of explanation, let's refer to my fetish as a mild thing for gingers/redheads. I have never sought out romantic partners based on this, I have never dyed my own hair red or encouraged others, I try not to be noticeable when I spot them out in public, and the closest I get to porn is, for example, a fully clothed shot of Prince Harry. Still, it's the kind of thing that I think other people would find incredibly weird, and I would be mortified if it ever got out. I keep it very much inside my head, and while I do have a lovely and comfortable sex life, it usually involves fantasies around this subject. I've had it for as long as I can remember.

So I'm doing the usual deep get-to-know-you thing with this guy, and things are going really, really well. Then he mentions that when he was younger, he got beat up by a redhead, and ever since then he has had a complete phobia of redheads. "I just look away," he says. His ex used to make fun of him for it, too, which is totally not cool. I get the feeling that his phobia is about as pervasive and rational as my fetish, but I am certainly not someone to make fun, especially in a situation like this.

Now, while I obviously would not display this fetish in front of him (or anyone else, for that matter), I don't want to run the risk that he accidentally sees that I've looked at YouTubes of Geena Davis or whatever. But I also have another thought: could we somehow work together on it? Like, for example, I am accustomed to spying redheads out of the corner of my eye; could I then warn him not to look?

Any ideas?

No throwaway e-mail here. Anonymous because obviously I don't even want it to get out that I HAVE a fetish.

Bike-sex, breaking the law?

popcassady — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 15:41:59 -0800

Why does the law have a problem with sex with a bicycle? I'm quite perplexed by this story.

Surely there's an absence of all the facts. On what basis did this man end up on the sex offender's register? There are all kinds of marital aids available today!

He was in a locked room. His actions were a private matter between the bicycle and himself, weren't they?

Where can I find help in dealing with a sexual fetish?

ninepin — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 21:42:25 -0800

Where can I find therapy which will allow me to understand / cope with / overcome a fetish? Since early adolescence I've been attracted to watching women smoke. For many years I never understood these feelings and prior to the dawn of the internet just figured there was something "different" about me and that I was likely the only one on earth who felt this way. I've often tried to comfort myself in the fact that, as far as "fetishes" are concerned, this one is relatively benign (doesn't involve children, humiliation, pain, barnyard animals, etc) and that I should somehow learn to accept it, however I'm very uncomfortable with it in general and it has definitely interfered with my goal of obtaining a loving, committed relationship.

I've read most of what I could find online in regards to the psychology behind sexual fetishes and most of it has been rather vague and deals more with learning to accept / find a healthy outlet for these feelings instead of ridding oneself of them. I know that since I've been "this way" for so long (I'm now 33) it is unlikely that I'll ever be completely free of this but it is imperative that I find some sort of help or resolution. Negative feelings about my sexuality have brought about drug & alcohol abuse, bulimia, depression, and social isolation. Over the years I've contemplated everything from chemical castration to suicide. And the situation is complicated further by the fact I'm grossly uncomfortable actually "talking" about it. (in fact, this post is only the 2nd time I've ever actually admitted it) I revealed it to my most recent partner who I was deeply in love with at the time and the results were unfortunately, quite horrible.

I've read that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has yielded some success when it comes to sexual fetishes but I have no idea where to start, what results are realistic to expect, or how to find someone who has experience with helping those with fetishes. I know the mind can be incredibly malleable and many aspects of my fetish have changed / evolved over time but my ultimate goal is to experience "normal" sexual attraction to the female body.

I guess my question boils down to:
A) Where can I find a therapist who has experience in dealing with sexual fetishes.
B) What types of results are realistic to expect from treatment?

If anyone would rather respond privately I can be reached via effinconfused@gmail.com

What's my kink?

Ethereal Bligh — Thu, 31 May 2007 01:34:27 -0800

Do I have a (sexual) kink? Should I have a kink? If I do have a kink, how do I discover it? My sex life has always been pretty straightforward. I'm very open-minded and have tried the usual variety of relatively conventional stuff. What I haven't done, though, is any sort of play-acting, or BDSM, or even dressing up (me or my partner). I like and enjoy sex but, on the other hand, other than during my adolescence sex has never seemed to be nearly as important to me as it seems to be for many other people. It's not, for example, the most fun thing I can think of doing. I can get by without it for long stretches of time. And so sometimes I wonder if there's not some kind of sex out there waiting for me to discover that would be sort of like a revelation: "Oh, this is why so many peoples' lives revolve around sex!"

In my masturbatory fantasy life there's not really anything that I have thought of that has an unusually powerful stimulating effect on me. There's maybe one pretty common activity that I do quite like and the idea of which is moderately arousing to me—but not unusually so.

Do most people have little sexual kinks that powerfully turn them on and reliably get them off? If you have something like this, did you always have it and, if not, when and how did you become aware of it? For example, not ever having done any play-acting or even mild dominance/submissive stuff, I'm only able to "test" whether anything like that might be a particular turn-on to me by trying it out through my imagination. And nothing I've imagined seems to have any special appeal. But is that predictive? Would I only know if I actually tried it?

Also, I'm sex-positive and don't have, as far as I can tell, any sex-negative hang-ups. However, one reason I'm asking this question may be that I do have a bit of a hang-up about anything I think might be sort of silly. For example, role-playing. I think that maybe role-playing something might be a turn-on and fun, but I'm inhibited by a self-consciousness related to what seems silly about play-acting.

Finally, it's also the case that I've seen lots of porn and there's not been any particular kinky activity that really gets my blood pumping.

I'm not dating anyone now, but assuming I were dating someone, how could I explore new sexual territory, looking for something that really turns me on, without having any idea of what that might be?

More male bottoms then female tops?

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Jan 2006 11:01:10 -0800

BSDMFilter : Is it true that there are far more male bottoms then there are female tops? If not, why are men willing to pay so much money to see a domme?

If so, how did it get this way? What is a sub male to do?

This is me blushing

bilabial — Mon, 02 Jan 2006 13:05:56 -0800

I think people would pay to watch me do (tame) stuff on the internet, but getting from that idea to the whole moving forward, I need help. I really like to bake, and I have some other hobbies that I enjoy doing, and the end product is useful to me. I've heard there are people with fetishes. My inspired mind is mostly inspired by a combination of stories about girls paying the rent with web cam shows that are, um, dirty AND crafty websites and podcasts. But I don't know how they get all the stuff hooked up. Or how they connect to the internet for this kind of stuff and what sort of paperwork is required to be sure that the IRS isn't going to want my ass on a platter in three years for tax stuff. I mean, we have a fast connection, and I have a laptop but no webcam yet.

Where can I go for a step by step "how to open a web business (that you kind of want to be a secret but secretly hope will make gazillions of dollars and be lots of fun)" primer? (oh, that was embarassingly easy)

About the baking, really, I'm serious. I imagine this to be a sort of website where people could go to learn to cook, because that would be serious, not just some chick smearing chocolate sauce on herself (not that that's not art or something, I just can't get into it). But there could be some aspects of it that could be more subtly erotic. And I have lots of shoes and probably other stuff that's fetishized.

As for myself, I'm in very good shape and pretty attractive.

I had wanted to do this anon, but I'm sure I will need to engage in a dialog about all of this.

I don't yet know how to write code, I don't know how to hide my personal paypal information (someone mentioned that I could get stalked with that information), but I have some patience and a day job that makes baking/crocheting/sewing a really good way to unwind. I also like the idea of having an Amazon wishlist connected to this webcast so that I can get a better stocked kitchen, and I've seen that it looks pretty secure.

Attraction across races

Big Fat Tycoon — Fri, 03 Jun 2005 08:13:35 -0800

Are you attracted to people of races different from your own? I pose this question not to be inflammatory, but because it's one of those semi-taboo questions that I think might not always be answered honestly or seriously, and I think AskMeFi is one of the better places to pose it.

I'm ethnically Asian, and I'm attracted to white women, for the most part. Now, there could be endless debates as to why that is, but suffice to say I grew up in North America in a mostly white enclave. The problem for me is that I find it very difficult, compared to my white friends, to attract women that I'm actually attracted to -- this issue was brought home when I lived in Asia for a while and discovered that local women found me quite attractive but I didn't usually feel likewise. The same goes for my most recent foray into online personals, where my white friends have garnered a great deal more interest than me. Now, perhaps it's some aspect of my attitude that is causing this, but it seems like it is a factor. An average-looking white man I feel will garner more interest than an equivalently average-looking Asian male in this society. My cousin, also raised in North America, has bumped into similar problems, where women have actually said, "I don't Asians" to his face.

So, in this seemingly increasingly multi-cultural world, is this a natural "prejudice" that still remains in you? If you have particular tastes in this area, are they related to physical factors (look of eyes, skin color) or is it a cultural issue? Do you feel you have a fetishistic interest in other races, if you do find other races attractive? If you aren't attracted to other races, why not? Is this something I just have to accept, since attraction is tied to so many subconscious and irrational factors?

Help me have sex with my girlfriend.

Anonymous — Thu, 05 May 2005 09:57:44 -0800

Help me have sex with my girlfriend. I'll try to be concise. I'm male. My girlfriend and I are both 20. She's had sex, I haven't. I've been with a few other girls, but not terribly many. We've been together for 6 months or so, and though we're regularly intimate in other ways, we haven't had sex together. When we try, I'm unable to maintain enough of an erection to perform. This is embarassing for me and it makes my girlfriend think I don't want her. I think a few things could be contributing to this.

1) We care about each other very much, but I didn't start dating her primarily based on physical attraction. I find my girlfriend attractive, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't often see girls to whom I'm more attracted, purely on a superficial level. I don't think this should preclude us from having sex, though.

2) I feel like my girlfriend seems to take a mostly passive role during foreplay, as if waiting for me to get ready. I've lightly broached the subject before, but nothing seems to have changed. Should I expect/ask her to do more, or should I be able to take care of myself? I don't want to make it sound like I don't want her, but I feel like it takes a little bit more sometimes.

3) I have something of a fetish which seems to fall under the heading of somnophilia. I've always found sleeping women to be erotic. This doesn't affect my everyday, non-sexual life. I get off on "regular" things, too, but this especially. I've tried fantasizing about it when I'm with her, but I can't concentrate on it and pay attention to her at the same time. I've never told anyone about this, and I feel terribly awkward and slightly ashamed about it. There's no shortage of web sites about it, so obviously I'm not the only one, but I can't help but feel embarassed. I feel very comfortable with my girlfriend, but I'm still not exactly sure how she'd react. Should I tell her about it? How do I tell her? Or should I wait until after we've had sex? Should I not let this aspect control my sex life?

4) I find condoms extremely uncomfortable. When I get an erection, I feel like the struggling to put it on and the feeling of wearing it puts a damper on things. I'd say that I'm on the larger side, and have found that regular-sized condoms seemed extremely tight and difficult to get on (though I only tried a few brands). I've since brought Trojan Magnum large-sized condoms, and while they fit, I find them uncomfortable as well. Will I just get used to it, or is there something else I should try?

I apologize for the length. I appreciate any advice that anyone can offer, related or unrelated to the above issues.

Theoretical explanation for kinkyness.

kavasa — Sat, 05 Mar 2005 00:25:09 -0800

So has anyone tried to explain sexual kinks and fetishes? I don't mean in a cataloguing sense, but in the same sense that an evolutionary biologist explains a fish's tail shape. Where it came from, what purposes it serves, that sort of thing.

"Mainstream" Fetishes

billybunny — Thu, 18 Nov 2004 12:04:57 -0800

What constitutes "mainstream" with regards to fetishes? [MI] I'm writing something in which a character has a fetish which affects his relationships with the people he dates. I know that all fetishes do that to an extent, but I'm looking for something not-too-common, something that a regular person wouldn't think, "hey, that sounds fun," with no thought about it.

So, like, a guy who enjoys ladies' underwear? Probably pretty common, probably easy enough to go with. Puppy fisting? Perhaps a little too extreme.

My experiences with sex and porn and such skew toward "not normal," so I don't really have a good grasp on what normal people think is "not normal."

So, umm, what's just weird enough to be considered "not normal?"