Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with sex and erotica

Have rope, will travel.

puckish — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 02:54:02 -0800

Another "kinky sex hacks" question... (NSFW) My partner and I have really consistent, really excellent sex -- creative, intimate, interesting, FUN. I pretty much want to be having sex with him all the time. Awesome! Cue recent question: "What do you think about adding more "kink" into our relationship?" Even better! For me, this means playing around with BDSM, which is something I've been really excited about for a long time.

But...I kind of have no clue what to DO?? And fuck! I'm shy!! I don't know even know where to start!

I have LOTS of questions: First off, how to get around the "acting" thing? Planning scenes seems weird. A sexy evening, for us, is having a conversation about programming, progressing instantly to making out and fucking -- and then going back to talking about programming, usually (this is tremendously hot, by the way) Ideally, I guess, we'd do this with rope involved? And, you know, authority?

(Can we do this, without explicitly 'staging' sequences?)

(And what ABOUT staging? This sounds really hot! How do I do it and make it believable?)

(How do you introduce props -- and more specifically, restraints? - without having it seem weird and artificial?)

The bigger question, I think, has to do with how to make this good and healthy, and not traumatic. My (limited) experience with SM has been in the context of pretty exploitative relationships, where the sex got a LOT more creative when there was actual cruelty involved (not good or healthy for long-term relationship prospects — and DEFINITELY not something I want to replicate here). For his part, he's had some pretty scary experiences involving consent and lack thereof. This raises a lot of questions, in thinking about S/M and D/s play. What's the difference between SM that's about humiliation, vs. control? Does it have to play on some kind of fantasy about exploitation? For me, this comes up in pain play, things like scratching and restricting breathing (which I REALLY like, but which is also confusing and cues up some unpleasant things). For him, the line comes in playing with consent (which is off the table) — but which also seems to be kind of *what you’re playing with* when you do BDSM.

So yeah - how to negotiate these issues, and still have fabulous kinky sex? We want to keep the bad stuff solidly OUT of the bedroom, and make this something really affirmative between us.

In practical terms, pretty much anything’s on the table (and recommendations are welcome!) We’ve got sex toys pretty well covered - strap-ons and vibrators, etc. What else? Rope and restraints? Ice cubes? Hot oatmeal baths? Props? Basically, my thought is, “I’d like to tie you to the wall and fuck you like crazy.” What do I do, in order to make this happen?

I'm disgusted by what turns me on. Please help.

Anonymous — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 08:25:04 -0800

It seems like the only thing that can get me off is extremely unpleasant written erotica (details inside, to keep the front page clean). Do I have a problem? Should I see a therapist? Background info that might be relevant: I'm female, North American, raised Catholic but not at all religious, 20, and I've never had a sexual or romantic relationship of any kind. Hell, I've never even been kissed. I'm pretty sure I'm straight, but the jury is out on whether I'm asexual (I've never really felt sexually attracted to someone else, but I figure I haven't had enough experience to be sure).

I discovered masturbation a few years ago. Porn does nothing for me; I only seem to orgasm from written erotica, of the sort that can be found at the alt.sex.stories text repository and other places on the net. The problem is, the vanilla stuff is no good either. What turns me on is really horrifying and taboo content - we're talking rape, torture, pedophilia, sometimes all three at once. If I try to keep reading afterwards, or by the light of day, I'm disgusted with myself because of how vile it is, and sometimes I tell myself "never again!" but I usually manage to convince myself to rescind that in a few days or weeks. So - is this something I need to get help for? If so, is it because I shouldn't feel so guilty about things, or because I'm a despicable human being to be having this fetish in the first place?

On the one hand, I tell myself that it is only written erotica. There is definitely no one getting hurt (if I watched porn, I might be less fully convinced, but I don't so it's moot). On the other hand, if things like this and this are happening - and I read more than enough "people who like this stuff make me sick" comments on those threads - then surely people are seeing some sort of inherent wrong in material of this sort. I know that I would never rape or hurt someone - the idea of even, say, slapping someone in anger turns my stomach - but even disregarding my personal qualms, I only read male-on-female stuff and being female makes it kind of impossible to act out that scenario as an aggressor.

If this is something only confined to the dark hours of the night in my bedroom, is it still wrong? If it is wrong, can I really do anything about it aside from hate myself? I think it's been around forever (though I didn't think of it as a sexual thing until recently), since I remember reading a rape scene in a (crappy sequel to) Dune book when I was pretty young and it caught my attention in a way other sex scenes hadn't. Can something that hardwired really be ripped out, and will I have anything left after? Would I accomplish as much by just giving up ever masturbating at all?

Anyways, I'm sorry for being a bit disjointed and rambly, and very sorry if I've offended or disturbed anyone reading this. I'm confused and ashamed and would rather not see a therapist, since I'm far from wealthy, but if there's nothing else to be done I suppose I will have to take the plunge. If you're uncomfortable answering here, I have a throwaway account at : sickorjustsick@gmail.com. Thank you very much, anyone who answers; I really, really appreciate any counsel your wiser heads have to offer.

"Your hair is like a flock of goats..." "Ooh baby, talk dirty to me!"

jluce50 — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 08:57:45 -0800

Is there any sort of modern translation of Song of Solomon that actually makes this literary work culturally accessible? I have long been fascinated by the erotic reputation of the biblical book of Song of Solomon. The problem is that any romantic ideals tend to evaporate upon actual reading of the book. There is just too much of a cultural divide to actually get caught up in the supposed eroticism.

For example:

"Turn your eyes away from me,
For they have confused me;
(N)Your hair is like a flock of goats
That have descended from Gilead.
"(O)Your teeth are like a flock of ewes
Which have come up from their washing,
All of which bear twins"

Uh, okay. I'm sure that was meant to be very complimentary but it's lost on me.

I've Google'd my heart out but I can't find any sort of translation that actually attempts to make it culturally relevant. I've found bits a pieces explained but I was hoping to find something a little more thorough. A complete translation with the weird parts changed to make sense to a modern reader would be ideal. I'd be perfectly willing to settle for an exposition or commentary that focuses on explaining the entire book verse by verse though.

I should add that all commentaries I've seen tend to explain it from an allegorical perspective (i.e. Solomon represents Christ and the Shulammite represents the church). I think this is a valid interpretation but it only works as an allegory if the story also works from a literal perspective (e.g. The Chronicles of Narnia only works as an allegory because it's a good story taken at face value). I'm only interested in the literal perspective at this point.

Subtle kink in popular culture?

Anonymous — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 15:31:26 -0800

Books and movies with BDSM overtones? I'm trying to find books and movies that are not, strictly speaking, erotica, but which have hints of dominant/submissive relationships between characters.

Things like Secretary and The Story of O definitely qualify, but I'm looking for films/books where the theme is far subtler. Two examples that I can think of are Lust, Caution and (to a lesser extent) Gone With The Wind.

Thanks!

Can you hear me now, you horny bastard?

Anonymous — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 18:27:05 -0800

Good examples of heterosexual audio erotica or porn, please? Doesn't matter if it's real or faked, just as long as it's good and hot. Scorching hot. Tear the clothes off your significant other, RIGHT NOW GODDAMIT, hawt.

Audio books, podcasts, CDs, whatever, we're open to various mediums. Even if there's a particular movie that sounds hot, that'll work also, just as long as it doesn't have to be watched, merely listened to.

feminist-friendly erotica, do you exist?

Anonymous — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 12:46:03 -0800

Hot, well-written feminist-friendly erotica on the internet: does it actually exist? My magic eight ball says "reply hazy, try again." Thumbs up to all sexual orientations & identities (I'm as happy with vanilla sex-in-the-suburbs as polyamorous genderqueer strap-on sex; just as inclined to get off thinking about hetero love making with the lights lowered as I am airport gloryholes--so long as Larry Craig isn't in the other stall).

Thumbs down to power plays, s&m, nonconsensual-turned-consensual & rape fantasies, voyeurism, sex with anyone who thinks Ayn Rand should be shelved in the philosophy section, bad grammar, and slash/vampires/etc fantasy. Of course that's my personal preference; someone else may benefit from Objectivist erotica or good feminist Harry Potter s&m, so just label it NSF-the-OP, please!

Smutty quotes from distinguished authors

papier machine — Wed, 14 Feb 2007 08:30:18 -0800

I need the perfect quote that relates writing to physical pleasure, titillation, and yes, sex. My publishing company is putting out a comp of erotica (we steer clear of that word because it's so... "ick," but that's technically what it is) and we need a quote to go on the first page of the book. I've been researching quotes from Henry Miller, Anais Nin, and Vladimir Nabokov in hopes to find a literary figure's inside take on writing about sex and pleasure, or comparing the two activities. I've found adequate quotes, but they're from lesser known authors, and I'd prefer someone well-known in the larger literary community. Help, please?

Erotic Fantasy/Sci-Fi Novels?

alms — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 21:33:48 -0800

I'm looking for high quality erotic fantasy/sci-fi novels. Any recommendations?

Porn 101

Anonymous — Wed, 31 Aug 2005 15:52:04 -0800

I want to introduce my (semi-sheltered) wife to porn DVDs and erotica books without scaring her off. We're working on our sex life, trying to expand on it and try new things. She's a bit reluctant but willing to try. She hasn't seen any porn and generally considers it to be exploitive and demeaning to women. I can understand her point but I know there also exists "women friendly" porn and erotica.

I don't want cheesy softcore, I want something explicit. But I also don't want to scare her or turn her off. I've looked into books like "Sweet Life: Erotica for couples", the reviews say they're great for newbies and then go on to talk about the rape fantasy stories and "my first anal fisting." You know, those fantasies that "all" couples have. That's just not going to work. I know I can find stories on-line but I'm looking for a book we can curl up with in bed.

The "porn for newbies" DVDs over at places like Good Vibrations all seem to have anal or three way scenes and the obligatory facials. A little bit of anal (fingering or rimming) might be ok but I want to avoid the "oh god yes fuck my ass!" bullshit. I don't mind if there's a money shot as long as it's not the typical degrading scene of the woman begging for it to shoot up her nose.

Basically, I want to find porn and erotica that contains loving couples having good sex, exploring fantasies and trying different things without being too out there, some sense of story (it's porn, I know, so I'm not expecting Oscar material), an emphasis on women enjoying themselves as much as the men, regular, non-anorexic women who aren't pumped up with silicone, and scenes that aren't going to make my wife leave the room in disgust.

Does this exist or am I just going to have to film it myself? That's a whole 'nother anonymous thread.

Helpful answers only. Please don't question my motives. My wife and I both know why we're doing what we're doing.

Porn question.

Shane — Fri, 04 Feb 2005 05:55:29 -0800

I have some honest questions about porn, inspired by the recent Suicide Girls brouhaha.

PLEASE: CIVIL DISCUSSION AND NO FLAMES! CAN WE DO THAT? WE CAN, RIGHT? Anyone can state their own opinion or knowledge without attacking someone else's contradictory opinion, eh? Thanks! *More inside.* First off, I understand why women objected to semi-nudes on the front page of MeFi. It had an unexpected initial shock value on a site that has many intelligent female members who obviously see tits on the front page as objectification and devaluation of women. I also understand that, to Matt, Suicide Girls is soft-core alternative-porn and much less offensive than mainstream porn close-ups of genitalia in action.

But let's stay COMPLETELY AWAY from the issue of whether SG is appropriate for MeFi or not. DON'T GO THERE.

My questions:

I noticed that some people admitted to liking porn, yet still said that Suicide Girls objectified women, presumably objectifying them for heterosexual men.

But doesn't 95% of porn objectify women for men? In most heterosexual porn the woman is an object to be used by the man for his penetrational pleasure. While the man nearly always receives a bit of fellatio before he goes on to vaginal and anal penetration (in close-up shots), the woman is rarely afforded even a small bit of oral pleasure or any apparent attendency to her needs and desires. She may as well be a rubber doll.

Even porn involving lesbians is almost always aimed at men and involves penetration with a dildo, allowing men to fantasize about penetrational sex without having to look at an actual man's penis. The tiny minority of porn involving lesbians is aimed at a lesbian audience.

So what do lesbians or bisexual females think of Suicide Girls? What kind of porn subject-matter do lesbians (who like porn) like?

Is it contradictory that some people admitted to liking (presumably mainstream, genital-oriented) porn, yet felt that Suicide Girls, which is soft-core photos of nude women, is objectification?

When is a sexually-tantalizing photo of a nude woman (or man) porn and objectification, and when is it soft-core tantalization or erotica?

Suicide Girls, in my opinion, features women with a certain amount of personality and individuality. I'm not a member, nor do I frequent the site, but in perusing it lately I find that when I look at a Suicide Girl I fantasize that she is intelligent, maybe artsy or creative, probably very self-assertive or aggressive ... to me these are the images they project. Is Suicide Girls less objectifying than the normal pictures of bleached blonde, silicon-bloated women in Playboy or on mechanics' calendars, in which the women have all the personality of a Barbie Doll and the only things to fantasize about are, frankly, tits and ass?

When is porn objectification and when is it erotica?

What do gay and bi women think of these subjects?

Do heterosexual women agree that the bulk of heterosexual porn is aimed at a male audience? What type of porn do heterosexual women (who like porn) like?

**Mathowie, if this gets out of hand or you feel it is inappropriate, please delete away. I won't be offended.**